|
This is gonna be a long post but I just need to vent. I don't have many close friends where I am so this might help. In 2007 I met a friend of mine's sister. She was pretty cute, just graduating HS and coming to the same college, and into the same group activities. Hung out a little in a group setting over the next year but she was dating some other dude who ended up being gay. So when the 2008 school year started we went on a date, then she rejected me saying she didn't want a relationship atm. Some crazy family poo poo went down and she confided in me, we grew closer and around the turn of 2009 we officially started dating. Things went fine and I graduated in 2010 and moved an 11 hr drive away for 2 years for grad school while she stayed and finished/started undergrad. poo poo went ok, it was tougher being so far away but we made it work. When I finished my masters I moved back to her and we lived together. We occasionally had fights when her thesis and poo poo stressed her out and I made a mistake to trigger a meltdown. We stuck together though, and things got better. I proposed in February 2013 and she said yes. About 10 months ago she got a great job offer. It was probably the best thing that could happen for us, and we'd be moving across the country to boot. So we drive the 3,000 miles from all our friends and family and settle in a new place. The rub here is she's still working on her thesis. Although she walked in August 2013 she didn't technically graduate until May of this year.That plus figuring out a new job caused a ton of friction in our relationship. I was trying to get her to work on wedding stuff too (we made plans before moving that I was trying to stick to) and it seemed to make it worse. In late May I went to Atlanta for a work convention and to visit family in the area. When I came home, she picked me up from the airport, took me home, and when I got home I realized all her stuff was gone. She told me how I kept pushing her to do something she didn't want to (plan the wedding), felt way disconnected and that she wasn't feeling it anymore. She gave the ring back and left, saying she needed space. So a week later we met up again and talked, and nothing really improved. At this point a couple who we are friends with through church intervened and kind of mediated between the two of us. Like I said we know this couple through church. We're just a little older than them, and the guy is a youth pastor. He's the first one I texted when she initially left, and he helped me talk through my own issues and learn how to be better. My (no idea what to call her at this point) is really comfortable with his girlfriend so she helped on that end. We started meeting once a week together, did some couple-oriented exercises to rebuild love and emotional security, and things started looking up. Eventually once a week turned into us being together a couple times a week (alone) and spending long periods of time together. In fact we spent all 3 days of July 4th weekend together, but on Sunday night there was a problem. We were supposed to go on a double date w/ said couple just to check up, and she started freaking out about not knowing if this was what she really wanted or not etc etc. I kind of got kind of frustrated but we talked through it with their help. She wasn't really offering reasons to them why she felt the way she did, just that she did. Things got better, she even moved back in some of her stuff not but two weeks ago. Then this past weekend we went to a friend's wedding in Florida together and poo poo went south again. Despite the weekend seeming good, hearing my friend's vows triggered some emotions in her that made her question everything and feel like everything was inadequate again. Monday this week I went out to run some errands, and when I got home her poo poo was packed up again and she just told me she was too tired to keep trying and didn't want to do it anymore. She mentioned certain things, like my inability to really dive into convos with her family (I'm an introvert) and wanting me to plan fun weekend things to distract her from work stuff as reasons she doesn't want to keep going. Immediately after she left I got in contact with her family and started talking to them, and researching fun weekend stuff we could do. I even sent her a few things I wanted to do with her this weekend. I figured these were good positive first steps. She came back yesterday and we had a talk/argument about it, with her being nebulous as poo poo about why and just saying she's tired. I pointed to starting in a positive direction, and she said yeah but how long will it last. She kept asking why it took me 5 years to really care about her family. I'll admit I've done a poor job of that but as an introvert and living now a longass way away it is hard to open up like that. I kept pointing out hey look we've made great progress in 2 months, even our friends say so, so why throw it away. But to no avail she just got more pissed and left. I called my friend and we talked a while. I always try to be open with him because he's honest with me about his opinion. From hearing my side of it, he thought it sounded like she was done and just looking for things to pin the blame on me, since none of the things she mentions (and I've been making positive strides on) are dealbreakers in any sense. He advised I try for another week or two then for my own sanity move on, and think up an exit strategy. His gf was supposed to get lunch with her today but I don't know if that even happened. For the record I pin a vast amount of this on her job. She's on the road 5+ nights a week, frequently works like 80+ hours and in general is just isolated. She even mentioned to me in the last month how when shes gone on her own she feels fine with it, and when she's with me she likes it and feels fine with it, so she doesn't know which to choose. We've been living for the weekends, which is MUCH more than we got together when I was in grad school, but I digress. She's also extremely isolated obviously with how busy she is. She has no real friends out here sans the couple we've met through church and she doesn't really make the effort to talk to them. On Monday night when that blew up I asked her to at least call the girl, which she said she would. Fast forward to yesterday I find out she was too "tired" to, even though immediately after leaving here she spent 5 hrs driving. I tried to get the girl to contact her, too. "She texted me," was my girl's response, "but I didn't text her back." She claims to get relationship advice from her business contacts/clients, but I feel like it's total bullshit because all they know of me is all the horrible poo poo she's saying and so of course they're going to tell her it's not healthy and its a bad relationship and whatever loving else. The lovely part is I don't know if these people actually care about her, or if they're just having these convos out of obligation. I keep begging her to have convos with friends she knows and people that legitimately care about her but she just ignores that request. So that's my poo poo life and situation. Her name is on the least but in my state as long as I've lived here 30 days even if she serves me an eviction notice I have a rent period (30 days) to move out. I don't know if I should try and find roommates and live here, move back east where it's certainly cheaper to live and start totally over, or what. It's also really busy at work (even though I work from home) so trying to get it sorted anyway would be nice. I mean my car isn't even on this loving side of the country because we drove her SUV loaded with our stuff out here. Essentially I'm going to give her an ultimatum: she either wants us or she doesn't. If she does, I'll be with there and fight for it with her 100%. But I already know in this whole 2 month struggle I've put in a ton more than she has and made more of the changes we've talked about than she has. How much of that is down to her life and stress idk, but it makes me think. If she doesn't want it I walk for good. I can't have a healthy life with this hanging over my head. I feel like I know what the answer will be and I'm not sure how to mentally prepare for that. tl;dr - my 5 1/2 year relationship is falling to poo poo b/c the woman i love works a million hours a week and is gone for all but the weekends. mentally preparing for the worst and honestly no idea what i'll do to cope/move forward when the worst case scenario actually happens
|
#
¿
Aug 7, 2014 01:31
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ Apr 19, 2024 22:08 |
|
|
THS posted:op is your username pronounced like gaej-lion or ga-geleon the second one
|
|
#
¿
Aug 7, 2014 01:49
|
|