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I know this topic is pretty E/N, but although I'd like to use my family as an example, I was really hoping we could have a constructive discussion for dealing with people who argue a LOT. My family has been arguing with each other my entire life and well before. I don't think a week went by when my parents weren't fighting with each other, or one of them was fighting with my older brother, or both my parents were fighting with my brother, or my parents were fighting with each other and trying to rope my brother in on their 'side'. It eventually led to a long and bitter divorce, but that wasn't the end of the arguing - many a family get-together has been highlighted by arguments, complete with yelling, crying and breaking things. As a child for the most part I think I dealt with the environment as well you could reasonably expect, but I'd be lying if I said the charged family dynamic didn't effect me. Although I don't get into many arguments myself, I don't think my defense mechanisms are all that healthy, either. I'm pretty sensitive to conflict and while I try hard to keep positive and upbeat, deep down I have a pretty avoidant personality. My mom, dad, and brother all have arguing in common, but they're each a bit different in personality, so each 'type' might require different approaches: - My dad is incredibly uptight (He once turned the car around and went back home on our way to a Christmas party because my mom refused to put on a seat belt. Yeah, she should wear a seat belt, but we were only going across the neighborhood). He's very critical and enjoys cutting down other people (for a while he was the type of guy who likes to "get even" with aggressive drivers on the freeway). He's very critical, is quick to correct others and tries to come off as the smartest guy in the room - to his credit, he is a pretty sharp guy. He postures himself as a man of unwavering conviction but over the years it really seems like it's just an excuse for him to never step outside of his comfort zone. - My mom is very sensitive to criticism (or perceived criticism) and is extremely defensive and is the loudest and most aggressive during fights, but also the first to cry and try to make pity plays: often, she seems to desperately want people to feel sorry for her and has a bit of a martyr complex. She's often "the last one standing", others will have finally given up and just sit there with stern looks on their faces while she will still be standing and yelling (to no one in particular) about the situation. - My brother is almost the worst of both worlds: he's aggressively righteous and is visibly bothered when someone disagrees with him on just about anything. He's quick to take offense to something but has a passive aggressive streak: he'll be sarcastic and obviously bothered by something and will wait for someone to call him out on his attitude so that he doesn't have to be the one to 'start' something. He's learned to "embrace the argument" and insists that through arguing he's "talking through the issue" despite him making most arguments very personal very quickly. (Personally, I have not once ever seen anything constructive come out of our family fights. In fact, no one's ever apologized to anyone and no one's ever "made up". Arguments simply end because someone leaves or everyone's just too tired to keep it going). Despite the kind of long, personal post, I don't want this to exclusively be about my family. Combative personalities are a thing and I think it's worth discussing what makes them tick and how to get along with them, and to diffuse heated situations. PS: No arguing. Please?
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Aug 11, 2014 12:18
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| # ¿ Apr 25, 2024 22:21 |
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Haha, well I'm feeling better about my defense mechanisms then. I usually just try to get out of the area when it happens. In fairness, it's been a little while since they all really got into it. There's grandkids in the mix now so (hopefully) they're learning to mellow. I've seen my sister-in-law pretty awesomely just shut my brother down when it looked like he was about to start up about something: she just looked him in the eye and calmly said: "Don't argue". Wanted to high-five her right there and then.
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Aug 11, 2014 21:36
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Lief might be going a bit too far (I don't think anyone should just 'nod and agree' to racism), but the general spirit of what he's saying is right, I think. I mean, the entire reason the people I know are so argumentative is because they simply can't let go of something being 'incorrect', or feeling insecure/threatened by an opposing viewpoint.
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Aug 13, 2014 20:54
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photomikey posted:I agree with the poster who said "get therapy". Despite your distaste for the behavior, you will slowly turn into that as years pass. Therapy helps prevent and deal with that. The thought of this makes me sad. I need to get up off my rear end and get some therapy. I have a younger brother who married young and his wife has a family at least as argumentative as mine is. Our families wound up getting into a big public quarrel after his graduation - I wasn't there for this, thankfully, and I find it shameful that both families let that happen (regardless of who was 'right'), though the one little silver lining about that was that my family was in agreement about something for once...  The worst, though, was that my younger brother was not a part of the argument himself. From what I understood he mostly just stood there, dressed up, looking sad while everyone was screaming around him. I don't get as many chances to talk with him as I'd like these days, and when I do it's not like I just wanna bring up out of the blue how lovely our family is, but I hope he realizes that this isn't normal, and he doesn't have to just accept that behavior from people even if they're family. photomikey posted:I have mastered the smile, nod, pass the bean dip strategy. When someone is on a diatribe, let them finish, then smile, nod, and change the subject. This worked when my father (who had never changed a diaper in his life) explained to me that cloth diapers were actually worse for the environment because of how much water they use. It also works when he talks about WTC 7 or anyone on Fox News. This is ringing some bells. You know that term thrown about in feminist circles, 'mansplaining'? Yeah, my Dad does that all the time, and while you can certainly excuse a father for falling into that with his children now and then, he does it with everyone. My Dad is actually the least hot-headed of the trifecta but I feel trying to have a normal conversation with him is the most exhausting, and I think it's cause he's, in effect, always arguing regardless if anyone is opposing him. Not even necessarily ranting; he could be outwardly pleasant and talking about something non-controversial, but he'll talk as though he's always 'making a case' for something, and kind of expects that in return: if you try to bring a subject up with him, he'll present a line of questioning that makes you feel defensive even if you're not trying to be. You get this general feeling with him that everything's existence must be justified, or in other words 'everything is stupid until proven otherwise'. photomikey posted:Overall, I just don't play ball and it works for me. My family is probably not as bad as yours. When I visit family, I rent a car (so I can leave whenever I want, for however long I want). This drives my dad (the owner of multiple cars) batty, as he would much rather I borrow a car, but I just don't need the rug pulled out from under me at the last moment. Wow... I can't imagine how offended/angry my folks would be if I upped and walked away from them like that (though you're right that doing so is much better than partaking in the lunacy). Just to reiterate, I am hardly ever involved in family fights, and I sometimes even sense some resentment from them for that, like I 'don't care' about the family. And hell, maybe they're right; I'm never fully comfortable at family get-togethers and am the most reluctant to attend them. Which reminds me of another moment years ago, the family was together at my older brother's place, I was tired in general along with a malaise that I tend to get whenever the family is all in one place, I wound up excusing myself and heading home early. From what I'm told, my mother remarked that I was 'acting strangely' and my older brother responded that it was probably because I hated her. A huge shouting match between them commenced. Yeah... therapy. Let me see who's covered on my insurance.
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Aug 15, 2014 19:27
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