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Reserved in caseinflatablefish posted:
Speedball fucked around with this message at 08:16 on Feb 13, 2015 |
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Aug 25, 2014 04:59
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XCOM Part 1: Good luck, Commander!  Two days ago, there was a “meteor strike” at a suburban town in Germany. It wasn’t a meteor, though. It was a cluster of these strange mechanical pods. When approached, the pods began emitting green sticky tendrils. Within seconds, everyone inside the area was trapped in a sticky green cocoon. Everyone in town was trapped this way, alive and preserved, ready for later kidnapping. Based on video footage at the time, the abductors were not human at all, but aliens. The Council of Nations activated the XCOM Project, the agreed-upon multinational task force dedicated to combating alien threats. We sent Delta Squad in, the best of the best. They found a lot of dead bodies, and responded to a distress call. And then you got the initial strike squad all killed with your lousy direction. So much for “the best of the best.” Hey! Not to go all Monday-morning Quarterback on you, Bradford, but when you see a creepy guy holding a grenade and a shotgun standing in shadows saying “Heeeelp meeeeeeee” over and over, ya might wanna consider it’s a trap. Seriously. Have you ever seen the movie Predators? Uh…I don’t see how a nature documentary would have helped. And I got one of the squad out! Who is now suffering severe mental scarring and won’t stop talking about how he saw the corpse of some other guy blown open from the inside. He’s no good to us. Councilman, who is this guy? Your new boss, Bradford. While your service to the Council of Nations is beyond reproach, Central Officer Bradford, we feel that your…talents…are best applied to administrative duties. The Commander has…experience…that you lack. I have to take orders from some guy I can’t even see who’s got a hand-drawn facial portrait? *sigh* Fine… No lip. I’ve been killing aliens longer than you’ve been alive, Bradford. This isn’t the first time aliens have reached Earth? I wasn’t advised of this. Consider it your first point of intelligence, Dr. Vahlen. I’ll drip-feed you more information as we get clearance to do so. For now, I’ve got a team to manage. They’re hitting Invasion Site B and I plan on getting ALL of them out of there alive.  OPERATION FLYING HEAT: COMMENCE  Okay, Calon Allen of America, Freida Wright of Germany, Ivan Zinchenko of Russia and Monique Leroy of Canada, you’re up. Fan out and keep your heads down. We know the aliens are only a few meters away from your position. These “abduction pods” don’t go off a second time, do they? I don’t want to be turned into a green statue like these people! Or if I do I at least want to be in a better pose than “Crawling in terror.”  Intercepted Audo: “KSSSSSSKKSKS!”  poo poo, they’re here! Move up to the cars and use ‘em as cover!  They're casting a spell! Something glowy from one’s head to the other! What? Magic? There's no such thing as magic. Isn't it some kind of psychic-- BULLSHIT. Psychic powers do not and have never existed and there is no scientific basis for them. Larry Niven just wrote psychics into all his hard SF stories because even he wanted space wizards. Unless you can get a scientist or twelve out here to write a whole bunch of math that I can understand about which of the four fundamental forces of nature account for shooting glowy poo poo out of your head, it's loving magic and aliens are evil sorcerers. Morons! Argue about this later! Which one do we shoot first? Always kill the buffer first. ALWAYS. That’s the one giving glowy poo poo to the other one. Moving in closer… poo poo! Almost took my head off!  I can see three more in the building to the north! Now eat this, you bastards! Grenade out! Nice! Killing the buffer killed the buffee! Hey, what’s this glowy orange thing over here? Try to secure it, if you can. We don’t know much about it except that the aliens program them with self-destruct timers if humans get close. Whatever it is, it’s something aliens don’t want us to have, which means we DO want to have it. Fortunately, it seems the aliens don’t want to lose it, either, there’s a failsafe that shuts off the self-destruct. Three keystrokes and it’s safe. Bah, we only winged the last one by the cars. This is a terrible shooting angle. Well, we know they die to grenades pretty good—why stop now? No, please…their technology is impossible to recover when you blow them up! Their guns self-destruct on user death anyway, right? But we can’t pick up the PIECES when you scatter them all over the place! Just frag ‘em, troops. It’s fine. We’ll get more than enough fragments one way or another. Say goodnight, sucker! Can’t see ‘em, but I can see more of that glowy magic stuff coming out of their heads—I’m gonna frag and pray! Oh, so that’s where you were hiding. Thanks for blowing the wall away, Wright. Now, you die, exposed little naked grey man! I got the orange stuff! Gah, some of it got on me… and I think there’s more over there! Someone else get it, I don’t want that poo poo on me! Last one’s down! Okay, I’ll get the other orange thing. Let’s drag all their carcasses into the storage chamber on the Skyranger and call it a day! Excellent work, everyone! As your reward, I’ll let you pick out what weapons you think you’ll be most suited for…and what color armor you want too. I get really sick of identical-looking soldiers, so I encourage— SON OF A BITCH! AAAHHH! What? Alien goo turned my hair blue!!! Why wasn’t I using a Hazmat Suit?! Oh, man…if Mom saw me like this she would never stop laughing. Fascinating! If this…goo…can do this just from a mild contact with human skin and hair, I need to know what else it can do! Pfft. Hair. Whatever. For my weapons, I choose the light machine gun and the disposable rocket launcher. Both, at once? You want a sidearm to go with that, or…? No need! If I can handle two twin teenage sons, I can handle two big boys like these! Well, I’m picking the black armor and custom handgun before anyone else calls dibs. …and this sniper rifle too, I guess, but I prefer pistols! I’m the fastest gun in Russia! Haha! These are the saviors of the human race? *sigh*To Be Continued! Speedball fucked around with this message at 18:53 on Jan 20, 2016 |
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Aug 25, 2014 05:09
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Well, we're rushing into things really quickly! This seems to be carrying your humorous style from the Big Boss LP, so looking forward. 
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Aug 25, 2014 06:17
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Well, hello, Agent Carter. I see you got your fedora back at last. Or at least, that's my guess as to who angry fedora man is.
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Aug 25, 2014 06:32
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Checking in. Never actually played XCOM. I already like how you can customize your individual soldiers just so they can get brutally murdered later.
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Aug 25, 2014 06:36
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I never give my soldiers atrocious paintjobs until they've earned their callsign. That way, I can see who's essential and who isn't by whether or not they stepped off the set of Tron. MECs always get hideous pink camo though. There is no question about this.
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Aug 25, 2014 06:53
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Kaboom Dragoon posted:I never give my soldiers atrocious paintjobs until they've earned their callsign. That way, I can see who's essential and who isn't by whether or not they stepped off the set of Tron. This is reasonable, but for screenshot purposes it'll be easier for readers to keep track of who's who when we start right out the gate with atrocious paintjobs. I'd have had them in the starting mission if you were allowed to customize before it!
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Aug 25, 2014 06:55
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As some of you may know, commander Rex Manstrong (Commander is his first name) is ...But what if he was fired? Well then, he'd probably take his daring, bold and unspecifiedly heroic blundering to the next best alien-fighting agency in the solar system. X-com! So, I submit to you, the hypothetical Rex Manstrong He's a daring go-getter with a profound inability to experience the world as anything but some kind of weird pulp/star trek hybrid where he is kirk. Also, he kind of looks like this ----->  (Though he could of course, get plastic surgery.) Edit: I am aware that this is just a submission for laughs. However, if you do actually accept this man, try to make him an assault or a heavy. and tank him up ridiculously with unsafe alien gene-mods NewMars fucked around with this message at 07:22 on Aug 25, 2014 |
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Aug 25, 2014 07:07
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Well now. This is interesting. Like your portrayal of bradford as a hapless unimaginative dork. Nature documentary indeed.
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Aug 25, 2014 08:37
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Drakenel posted:Well now. This is interesting. Like your portrayal of bradford as a hapless unimaginative dork. Nature documentary indeed. I honestly had this characterization of Braford in my head. I knew nothing about this game (or series) when I began playing and I still thought his tutorial mission was loving retarded.
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Aug 25, 2014 18:58
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Excellent, this is looking good so far. Well, with this new commander, we should wrap these aliens up in time for tea soon enough.
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Aug 25, 2014 19:03
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Bwahahahaha. The first mission takes place in my hometown (Well, first mission Bradford isn't cocking up).
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Aug 25, 2014 23:10
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bunnyofdoom posted:Bwahahahaha. The first mission takes place in my hometown (Well, first mission Bradford isn't cocking up). I'm so sorry! How long did it take to get the green webbing out of your hair?
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Aug 25, 2014 23:25
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I feel Bradford deserves better. While you dick around in the base, wasting tax payer dollars on shiny new toys to throw at the enemy, Bradford is in the base and handles all that paperwork and important stuff. Cut him some slack 
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Aug 25, 2014 23:39
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Michaellaneous posted:I feel Bradford deserves better. While you dick around in the base, wasting tax payer dollars on shiny new toys to throw at the enemy, Bradford is in the base and handles all that paperwork and important stuff. I've always thought of Bradford as the Everyone gives him endless poo poo, and he deserves all of it, but nobody really dislikes him.
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Aug 26, 2014 03:18
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SSNeoman posted:I honestly had this characterization of Bradford in my head. I knew nothing about this game (or series) when I began playing and I still thought his tutorial mission was loving retarded. This. It was going just fine until he tells you to approach the guy carrying the grenade. I refused to give the order for a full minute because I knew drat well it was going to get the poor bastard killed. Bradford and Vahlen are both idiots who deserve all the poo poo they get. Seriously, bitching about losing out on weapon fragments when we blow up the vastly better equipped aliens on the first frigging mission...
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Aug 26, 2014 04:21
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Speedball posted:I'm so sorry! How long did it take to get the green webbing out of your hair? Surprisingly, not long. Just needed a couple showers. Now, the real problem was cleaning em off the prop, and outta the flap servos on my plane. Oh, also, for some reason, they took my instructor, so I need to find a new one.
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Aug 26, 2014 04:31
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RickVoid posted:This. It was going just fine until he tells you to approach the guy carrying the grenade. I refused to give the order for a full minute because I knew drat well it was going to get the poor bastard killed. Hey, that's not fair. Bradford is an idiot. Vahlen just puts almost no value on human life compared to SCIENCE. If when the war ends there's just a million people alive, but she got to blast a sectoid's dong with 5,000,000 volts? Well, that's a win right there.
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Aug 26, 2014 04:57
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Not one soldier dies due to negligence. Negligence in this case being failure to use explosives whenever the opportunity presents itself.
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Aug 26, 2014 05:52
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Vahlen is more like, "dude, give me something to work with so I can at least justify my paycheck!" I can't fault her for that too much.
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Aug 26, 2014 06:28
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Solrick Skaft Reporting for duty if you take requests  . (I'm totes expecting a mention as a base personal during the base attack =D)
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Aug 26, 2014 06:45
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Speedball posted:Vahlen is more like, "dude, give me something to work with so I can at least justify my paycheck!" I can't fault her for that too much. And she's so good at what she does. Admittedly, a lot of what she does is banned under the Geneva convention, but you just don't have the heart to bring that up when she's having so much fun.
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Aug 26, 2014 06:59
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chiasaur11 posted:And she's so good at what she does. Luckily the aliens never signed the Geneva convention. Or if they did, their infiltrators never sent us proof, and that's good enough for Vahlen.
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Aug 26, 2014 07:16
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This is an XCOM LP, so it is my duty to nominate The Real American himself, the Immortal Hulk Hogan
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Aug 26, 2014 07:31
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In honor of the Guile hairdo, I suggest Rudol von Stroheim of Germany. If he gets heavily injured in battle, turn him into a MEC
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Aug 26, 2014 07:45
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Tarezax posted:In honor of the Guile hairdo, I suggest Rudol von Stroheim of Germany. : GERMAN SCIENCE IS THE GREATEST IN THE WORLD!
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Aug 26, 2014 07:47
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Tarezax posted:In honor of the Guile hairdo, I suggest Rudol von Stroheim of Germany. This is absolutely something that should be done.
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Aug 26, 2014 07:52
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Senerio posted:This is an XCOM LP, so it is my duty to nominate The Real American himself, the Immortal Hulk Hogan What's his quote on The Rock fighting aliens up in space?
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Aug 26, 2014 08:43
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I so imagine new commander looking at "Essential X-Com commander guide" and despairing with... people he is forced to work with.
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Aug 26, 2014 08:47
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Sweet, ground floor for an XCOM game! If the Civ 5 thread was anything to go by, this will be an amazing trip! Also I would like to suggest Samus Aran for MEC Trooper, because seriously, why wouldn't you?
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Aug 26, 2014 08:50
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Well, this is already shaping up to be beautiful.
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Aug 26, 2014 10:31
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Tarezax posted:In honor of the Guile hairdo, I suggest Rudol von Stroheim of Germany. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ihIJ1UZAVk Do it, do it, do it, do it! Also, great to see you tackling this one, Speedball. Loved the Civ 5 LP and looking forward to how XCOM goes! Brunom1 fucked around with this message at 16:24 on Aug 26, 2014 |
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Aug 26, 2014 16:15
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I hereby nominate Peter Quill, junker who inadvertently gets recruited into the biggest bundle of idiots besides the Nova Corps.
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Aug 26, 2014 21:27
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VolticSurge posted:I hereby nominate Peter Quill, junker who inadvertently gets recruited into the biggest bundle of idiots besides the Nova Corps. XCOM: just a bunch of a-holes.
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Aug 27, 2014 02:13
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Wait, I thought they were going to be G.I. Joe rejects?
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Aug 27, 2014 02:24
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I enjoyed the Big Boss LP even though I've never played Metal Gear. Having actually played XCOM, this will be even more enjoyable.
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Aug 27, 2014 02:36
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Speedball posted:XCOM: just a bunch of a-holes. But not, I hope, 100% dicks.
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Aug 27, 2014 05:36
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chiasaur11 posted:But not, I hope, 100% dicks. Well, I don't think anyone's 100% a dick.
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Aug 27, 2014 07:08
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 18:27 |
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Kaboom Dragoon posted:Well, I don't think anyone's 100% a dick. Please don't give the good doctor new ideas.
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Aug 27, 2014 09:28
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