The Management posted:

LinkedIn has allowed me to experience what it's like to be a pretty girl on a dating site, except that my suitors are idiot recruiters offering terrible jobs I don't want.

maniacdevnull posted:

care to work at a helpdesk, m'recruit?

maniacdevnull posted:

what the hell you bitch wasn't i so nice when i offered you a bad job at a quarter if you current salary? you loving owe me.

Der Shovel posted:

I don't know but if I ever start a band, I'll be sure to throw a wicked curveball at my audience:

Wave your hands in the air
If you enjoy sodomy at the fair

That way they've all just confessed to liking sodomy and will feel really embarassed about it. I'll be sure to film it too. That'll teach the fuckers for paying money to see me play.

Gyges posted:

If wanting everyone around me to conform to basic hygiene standards is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Deathlord posted:

I am against the teaching of evolution in schools. I am also against widespread literacy and the refrigeration of food.

Captain Obvious posted:

Each week, millions and millions of upper middle class American citizens put on expensive dress clothes, and load themselves into SUV's and drive past homeless shelters, orphanages, prisons, missions, and halfway houses on their way to a very expensive and nice church, where somebody tells them how to be more like Jesus

RandomFerret posted:

No matter how bad they get, I will always post Bizarro Sunday Punnies. My father loved puns. Even when I went to see him in the hospital in his last days, he had a smile on his face and a joke to tell me. He said "Remember to laugh. Every day, remember to laugh. Jokes will never give you up, jokes will never let you down. Jokes will never run around and desert you." He rickrolled me. On his deathbed he rickrolled me. I waited until the nurse left and then smothered him with a pillow because I didn't want his grandkids to see him like that, but I'll never forget what he taught me.

HootTheOwl posted:

It was a while ago, but wasn't the bulkanization of Iraq another flip flop talking point the right adopted then dropped?

Wales Grey posted:

The Czech Republic and Slovakia got swole as gently caress after their bulkanization.

Obama Africanus posted:

Go ask the career development folks at the MPF. Also pimp the TMO folks and ask them.

The final answer comes from one of those two sources. And in the end you have a 50/50 chance of being told the wrong thing anyway.

But you asked for thoughts, and after smoking a bowl and contemplating things, I had a thought I'd like to share with you.

Have you considered not marrying your fiancee?

I can count on one finger the number of guys that were USAF intel officers that I wouldn't line up outside the gas chambers if the fourth reich became a thing.

A few years from now, when you can't even stand to look at him without feeling a sense of extreme hatred and disappointment simultaneous to realizing that at 28 years old you spend 50% of your day thinking about becoming a divorcee, remember this advice: Run the gently caress away now.

Seriously, there is a 100% chance your fiancee is a tool and a loving nitwit. There is a 100% chance that he will be peer pressured into becoming a distilled version of fighter pilot gay bro'ness not by dudes that fly fighter jets, but other sperged out intel retard officers. He's going to start saying things like "Check, Rodge, Vector, Burner" and other associated lame as gently caress things, while also sometimes randomly wearing a flightsuit to work on Fridays despite his only flight time being the fam flight he poo poo his pants or puked his guts up during.

Also he's going to cheat on you. Oh man is he going to cheat on you. And there is a not too bad chance that it won't be with some good looking gal, but rather some dumb bitch enlisted intel girl that almost got a degree in psychology from her podunk state school before she decided she hated the taste of gargling frat sperm and dropped out and joined up to get a chance at being the hottest little twat in a windowless SCIF in Japan.

But don't worry about that breaking your heart, he'll never tell you. You'll be too busy caring for the 3-4 kids he demands you squeeze out in repayment to the base model BMW 3 series he's going to buy you when he gets to his second assignment at Tinker AFB.

When he's not deep dicking some borderline inbred dipshit Airman who's a civilian 5 and intel 12, he'll be lording over you how his job and career come first, and pray he doesn't make more money than you because that'll come up everytime you sigh audibly at the dinner table where you two will passive aggressively try to grind down each others will to live and breathe.

By this point as a captain he's going to be TDY 1-2 months a year, where he's getting half assed hand jobs from third tier strippers on excursions with the least socially inept enlisted guys in his flight-- this is probably the point where his raging alcoholism will be so clear and obvious to you that you two will start fighting every saturday before kick off when his colleges football team inevitably will take a beating. This fight won't stop until his next TDY when the sweet release of his toothless stripper infidelities and lack of home presence gives you time to bust out your big giant purple *BZZZZZ* friend whenever those walking talking pants making GBS threads machines you call children fall asleep long enough to let you deaden the nerves in your clitoris.

Soon after he'll take his third assignment, the one right before he pins on Major, and suddenly he'll be pressuring you into becoming a fundamentalist christian, and he'll delete all of his whores off of his facebook account and spend his home time posting image macros about 2nd amendment rights, and how jesus spoke english in the bible so these loving mexicans should too. At this point you two will be consigned to bi-annual loving, and only when you've drank enough cheap boxed wind to be able to stand the idea of him pounding away on you missionary style but still refusing to look you in the eyes.

This will also be the point when your oldest childs ADHD and pyromania are diagnosed, and one of your parents die. There is around a 85% chance one of you is going to be eating zoloft and klonopin out of loving pez dispensers, and waking up angry that the sweet release of death hasn't taken one of you out of this loveless hosed up marriage.

Somewhere in here the idea of swinging is going to come up casually as an almost joke when you are both in the blissful release of a nice drunken buzz, and one of you will actually be very open and interested in the idea. The other is going to wind up being an unhappy accomplice wondering why your partner wants to gently caress almost chubby guys with spray on tans, or watch the sacred hole through which your children came into this world be filled with all manner of different ethnicities of cock.

I'm late to bring this up, but sooner rather than later you're also going to screen positive for HPV, and your intel officer husband is going to take every bit of research skills he has from his job to convince you that you got it from donating blood or sitting on a toilet seat.

You didn't get it from the Red Cross or a trip to the shitter.

As it stands now though, you can walk the gently caress away and enjoy a life that I'm pretty sure would be better than the above. And you'll never have to see the inside of an officers wives meeting which is a lovecraftian hell that makes my description of your future seem like Charlie's trip through the chocolate factory.

Madcosby posted:

Ah, the good ol days
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/657642328/doobies-dog-house

quote:

At Doobie’s DogHouse, it’s about more than just Hot Dogs- Our stand was built on a love for food, a desire to foster a community, and a passion for providing Reform,Al. with high quality, highly delicious, fresh Hot Dogs and Sandwiches. All of our Dogs are made fresh and to order, and I use only local ingredients, when possible. We make it our priority to recycle our drink cans and, our serving trays and to-go boxes are made from recycled materials. Did we mention that our hotdog wieners are also 100% Alabama and completely delicious?

The connection between food, our health, and the world around us is undeniable- but at Doobie’s Dog House we feel, that as Americans, we still should have a choice of the food we consume. Everything in moderation is the key…Even our health aware 1st Lady was seen eating at the world famous Pink’s Hot Dogs in Hollywood, California. So it’s also undeniable to say, that Hotdogs are everybody’s favorite food. Cleanliness is of the most importance. it's one of my biggest pet peevs.and everyone at some point has experienced it. I believe in maintaining a very clean establishment. If its not clean, customers won't come back...I believe customer service is of importance also...a kind friendly smile can go a long way in the food business... as owner of Doobie's Dog House I assure my supporters and my customers that I will never loose fact of that...

I love how his pitch was written well (albeit, stupid) then crumbles. I guess whatever good frogger was writing it for him just plum gave out

Jst0rm posted:

You know. I thought some of that wordsmithing was beyond the old doob so i did a google search of a sentence and found....

http://www.capitalcitybakery.com/about/

quote:

At Capital City Bakery, it’s about more than just cake- Our bakery was built on a love for food, a desire to foster community, and a passion for providing Austin with high quality pastries made from scratch. One little bake shop, a whole lotta love: All of our baked goods are made fresh daily, cholesterol-free, and made from locally-sourced/organic ingredients when possible. We make it our priority to recycle and compost, and our bakery boxes are made from recycled materials. Did we mention that everything is also 100% vegan and completely delicious?

The connection between food, our health, and the world around us is undeniable- We’re dedicated to providing an alternative choice in attempt to preserve the environment, protect animals, and unite people through a love of food and a desire for progression.

lmao. loving doobie.

Spanish Manlove posted:

Spanish Manlove posted:

Smythe posted:

as a native californian i cannot wait for the big weed revenues this great state is going to get in the next few years. lots of fuckin money for me and my brothers in law to embezzle and fleece of this great land. big lol if you think my ex dealers hookup andre can compete with the big strong bodies of big pharma and their militias of hatchet men. i can't wait for big pharma to rain death on the cartels in the vast deserts of our sister land mexico in the great drug proxy wars of the 2020s. big props to my mexican plutocrat homeboys whos homes will be burned to ashes by the great siege between the zetas and pfizer. may the skulls of the cartel small sons be swept aside by the long arm of american capitalism. praise be to johnson and johnson, novartis, and glaxosmithkline - destroyerss of the russian mob, mexican cartel, and armenian mafia. may i never have to smoke a bowl with a retard dealer again. may this great state of california, home of the grizzly bear and big rear end hawk, home of big bear lake and the great sequoias feast upon the weed tax dollar. may the dank buds, big crystals, and wicked red hairs feed our neglected community and state colleges. parks dept. save the delta jerry!

Stargate posted:

A few days ago, I was trawling google for that quote that was about someone looking to lose their virginity in some way and the very first response was 'your mom sounds pretty cool op'. I didn't find that unfortunately, but I did find some post on some other website where some guy had posted his entire archive of goon quotes.

Fall Sick and Die posted:

I don't know how to deal with this at the moment. All kinds of thoughts are flying through my brain, dealing with some pretty serious confusion/angst. My wife was acting strangely, everything was fine but she seemed nervous and out of place. I finally confronted her about it and she told me, "I feel like I'm going to cry. Why are you growing that mustache?" I tried to play it off as nothing, "It's just a mustache, come on, does it really bother you that I've grown a little mustache?" She wouldn't have it. Her eyes literally were tearing up as she told me stuff like, "You look like a bad man." and "When I look at you now I feel very bad inside, like something is very wrong." I'm not joking, and I'm not exaggerating, this was what it was actually like.

I got a little incensed and told her that if I want to grow a mustache, why can't I? Who cares? She started telling me that "people" would think I looked like an idiot, they would talk about me behind my back, that no one would take me seriously and that my job, our small business, all kinds of things would start falling apart. She was in tears by this point, telling me that she felt like I was showing her a different side of myself she had never seen before. I laughed at this, and said she was being melodramatic, it was just a stupid mustache grown on a joke, but she wouldn't let go of it. She was so upset about it that I got real huffy, and went in and shaved it off right there. "Oh what are you doing, you don't have to do that." she said lamely unconvincingly. "Yes I do, because you literally just made me, so don't pretend that now that I've done it that I didn't have to do it, because a minute ago it was making you cry just to look at me."

We were pretty cold to each other the rest of the day, she'd try to blow past it but I felt like it was a pretty big deal. Could she not let me be me? What's the big deal about a little irreverence? As we left the house later to go run some errands, two guys and a girl on the elevator started talking about me right in front of me, thinking I didn't understand. "Say hello to the white guy, go on, say hello." "Oh no I can't, he will think I am trying to seduce him! Haha!" and then they'd giggle because of course to talk to a foreigner is ridiculous. Finally one said an unconvincing hello and I started saying real loud, "Wow your English is so good! Wow, great English! Did you study in America?? Hello! That's great, just like an American!" I was so upset about the mustache I started lashing out. They looked down at their feet in what I take to be shame, and I started talking in Chinese to my wife just to let them know that I'd understood everything they'd said.

As we left the elevator I told her how upset I was, that here in China, living as a foreigner in this place where there are so few other foreigners, I was used to people staring at me, treating me like a zoo exhibition rather than a real person. But when she started saying, "People will think you look terrible" what she really meant was that she herself thinks this. I told her that no matter what, people are going to think ridiculous things about me, but I expected better of her, thought that at least around her I didn't need to worry about people judging me for how I look rather than who I am. She started crying and I was still angry, so I didn't comfort her. She asked if I hated her, and I told her of course not, don't ever think something like that.

A few days of Hitler mustache caused probably one of the biggest arguments I have ever had with my wife (the other big one was about any future children attending Chinese public school). I... had to shave it off. I wish I didn't but I had to make a choice, and I assure you that she wasn't just annoyed or irked by my peculiarity, she was legitimately freaking out that I was growing this mustache. So I'm out of the contest... I can't do it. I can't put my wife through it, even though I know that morally I'm in the right, I have to make the compromise, I have to think about her.

For those of you still in this competition... you're gonna have to keep going without me. I led the pack at the beginning, I showed you the way. The flame that burns brightest burns fastest, and this shooting star blazed across the world with an unrepentant Hitler mustache... if only for a few days. If you're young... if you're unencumbered by human relationships, by dignity or regular employment, by society's false standards of beauty... please keep going, please make it to the end. Do what I was unable to do. I can't criticize you anymore, I can't lead you anymore. All I can do is tell you to keep going further, delving deeper, finding new ways to own the world and everyone in it. I don't know if I'll ever post on LF again after this. I'm twenty eight years old and married, thinking about how to support my future family. If I can't be all in, I don't want to try. I wish you all the best in life, I loved all of you in my way, I can't be an internet revolutionary anymore, I made a choice to be with this woman and I have to honor my vow. I'm not going to sit on the sidelines, I've got too much dignity. Maybe I'll go back to GBS fakeposting. Maybe I'll just read TVIV threads and count how many times people mention Firefly even though it was cancelled like a decade ago and think about how funny it is but never ever tell anyone. I don't know what the future holds for me but... it's not going to be great and it's not going to be special, and I guess I'm OK with that.

09/13/2010 - Hitler Mustache Forever

no they will not posted:

I run a wiki.

EDIT: I'm fat.

Spanish Manlove posted:

pentyne posted:

The follow up being, yes, she did marry him and many of those things started to happen.

Stargate posted:

A few days ago, I was trawling google for that quote that was about someone looking to lose their virginity in some way and the very first response was 'your mom sounds pretty cool op'. I didn't find that unfortunately, but I did find some post on some other website where some guy had posted his entire archive of goon quotes.

http://stalkandkill.org/forums/showthread.php?t=14309

There's a lot of the classics in there as well as some I hadn't seen before. For a new thread and all that.

Busta Chimes.wav posted:

The end of LF

Palmersaurus posted:

I like how

Say Nothing posted:

Stultus Maximus posted:

What is that actually supposed to be?

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

Your mom's

Skylark posted:

Amphibian-Human archaeologist in 2k years: According to statuses uncovered in ancient cities, humans evolved to better survive in jacuzzies to escape the "drama" that threatened them on land.

Anatharon posted:

Does the thread title make any more sense in context?

Anatharon posted:

Does the thread title make any more sense in context?

Bob Moog sex tape posted:

Xmas Future posted:

Omi-Polari posted:

Darth123123 posted:

Is this the new best quotes or bad quotes thread? I'm confuse

Spanish Manlove posted:

Darth123123 posted:

Is this the new best quotes or bad quotes thread? I'm confuse

Trochanter posted:

Major Laurier had picked the wrong day to change meth dealers.

The sharp pounding in his head had started just as the scramble alert came on. A Russian Tupolev Tu-95 bomber had blatantly violated Canada's northern sovereignity and was headed for the strategic city of Yellowknife. It was up to his squadron, No. 420 Harper's Harriers to show those Slav bastards what-for with their state-of-the-art C-35 war machines... and peacefully escort them out of Canada's airspace.

Now, he was alone. Captain Fraiser's C-35 had flown through a butt and the moisture had torn its skin from its fuselage. The rookie, Lieutenant Dorian, had attempted a gentle banked turn and the strain on his engine was too great. His plane exploded in a hail of fire, cheap steel and packing peanuts. He didn't even have time to scream. loving hotshot, thought the Major.

The Tupolev was zooming southeast at a blistering Mach 0.3 but he was slowly closing in on his prey. He had already dropped his external fuel tanks, all four of his bullets and his missile to stay airborne, and the airframe was shuddering like his Chevy Cavalier on the Trans-Canada Highway. The radar app had crashed an hour ago and OnStar was useless. No, I don't want to find a loving gas station, I'm trying to intercept a warplane! Nonetheless, he had followed the contrails left by the bomber in the northern sky. He knew he was close. And then there! On the edge of his horizon, a vast twenty miles away, were the Russians. He clenched his jaw and punched up the afterburners. The plane kicked and lurched like a mechanical bull with half the gears broken. He set course to ram his plane into the hulking turboprop. I knew I wasn't coming back from this mission, he thought. I'm a C-35 pilot. We don't come back. But at least I'll take these assholes with me. His squadron's motto, gently caress EVERYONE AND PISS ON THEIR ASHES, rang in his ears as his HUD flashed a 404 error.

Meanwhile, on the Russian plane...

The Major was five miles from the bomber when he heard a new and unfamiliar bang. He tried in vain to look behind him, but from the corner of his eye, he could see a great crack forming on his left wing. He knew at once what it meant. The epoxy that kept the plane together was never meant for such extreme temperatures. His plane was literally coming apart at the seams. How he wished he was in an Avro Arrow now. With a sickening CRRRACK the wing tore itself free from the plane and the C-35 went into a death spin. The Tupolev continued on, oblivious.

Amidst the alarms, klaxons and spontaneous fire, Frasier bit his lip and thought of Maverick. Then suddenly he remembered his training. One of the Powerpoint slides had mentioned that the ejection seat was NOT made by Lockheed, but by a British company! Hope sprung in his breast; perhaps he might survive this ordeal, and achieve his dream of becoming a cyberathelete! In desperation he lunged at the ejector handle. The seat roared upward into the void and while the canopy didn't deploy, it didn't matter; the cheap glass was shattered easily by his hundred thousand dollar helmet.

The Major breathed a sigh of relief as the chute deployed and slowed his descent. He took one last glance at his plane, which plummeted like a meteor into the ground and exploded. It was a bittersweet sight. At the very least, he thought, he had saved half a billion dollars from the clutches of the poor, the needy, the nonwhite and Quebec. The thought made him smile.

The ejector seat landed with a soft thud on a river bank, narrowly missing some pine trees. He looked around at the bright sky, the green grass and river teeming with fish. This unfamiliar hellscape sent chills of fear down his spine. If I liked the outdoors, he thought, I would've joined in the army.

Thus began Major Laurier's desperate bid for survival in the harsh subarctic summer, where temperatures could drop to nearly below freezing. In the distance, a beaver roared.

Shadeoses posted:

Captain Fraiser's C-35 had flown through a butt

WET BUTT posted:

was i picked on in middle school? hmm let me think
* Weighed 750 pounds
* Parents were both Charles Manson (long story)
* Wore a bath robe to school every day
* Had the word "homo" instead of a mouth

pentyne posted:

Enough quote comments. Does anyone have the savage response to the guy who started posting "Hey, how do I do stand up comedy" and he got a bunch of "work hard, expect failure, get your act together from trial and error" and then a few months later the original guy posted "Oh, stand up is so easy I'm always slamming this hillbillies and cracking jokes on the front row why do people say comedy is hard?" and got savaged by other stand up comics for being a moron?

I think the original was a CC thread but the followup was in a GBS thread.

hackedaccount posted:

Trig Discipline posted:

dude needs to switch to diet pussy

zoux posted:

escape artist

...of SCIENCE! posted:

Escape Artist was (unintentionally) hilarious. The way he got a swelled head to the point where he would inform threads that they weren't worthy of his presence, kept making up different disabilities and ethnicities to ward off criticism but could never keep them consistent, kept making up ridiculous bullshit like knowing the guy who Walter White was based on, then finally had a meltdown and spammed TVIV with Game of Thrones spoilers until he was banned.

Budget Cop posted:

youre a loving weirdo dude

Chuck Tanner posted:

anime avatar

ArfJason posted:

SCENE: NUREMBERG TRIALS
*herman goring is in the stand*

Attorney: Herr Goring, you are known as the Reichsmarschall of the Nazi party, Commander of the Luftwaffe from 35 to 45, Chief of the 4-Year Plan, and are the original head of the Gestapo before turning it over to the SS in April 1934. What do you have to say about this?

Goring: Well, I'd like to point out to everyone present here, that my prosecutor is an anime.













He saw right through my tricks

zoux posted:

I remember him getting real mad in a thread and claiming it was poo poo before he had showed up and people had PM'ed him begging him to come back and save the thread but now because people were mean to him he was washing his hands of it and now we'd surely suffer.

escape artist posted:

Did you see the Wire thread I made a few years ago? We just completed it recently. 60 episodes. An analysis of every episode. Took us over a year to get there. But it was as if we were in an informal but academic setting.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3522091&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

This show, is up there with The Wire, in the sense that I feel "televisual novel" describes it more adequately, and it deserves a much more in-depth analysis.

As far as Game of Thrones go-- the spoiler thread has its merits. Although, we're more discussing the TV adaptation of a novel.


You want to talk about a quality thread in TVIV? Well, just skim it a bit:

escape artist posted:

escape artist posted:

Season One

Episode 1 - The Target
Episode 2 - The Detail
Episode 3 - The Buys
Episode 4 - Old Cases
Episode 5 - The Pager
Episode 6 - The Wire
Episode 7 - One Arrested
Episode 8 - Lessons
Episode 9 - Game Day
Episode 10 - The Cost
Episode 11 - The Hunt
Episode 12 - Cleaning Up
Episode 13 - Sentencing - Part 1
Episode 13 - Sentencing - Part 2

Season Two

Episode 1 - Ebb Tide
Episode 2 - Collateral Damage
Episode 3 - Hot Shots
Episode 4 - Hard Cases
Episode 5 - Undertow - Part 1
Episode 5 - Undertow - Part 2
Episode 6 - All Prologue - Part 1
Episode 6 - All Prologue - Part 2
Episode 7 - Backwash
Episode 8 - Duck and Cover
Episode 9 - Stray Rounds - Part 1
Episode 9 - Stray Rounds - Part 2
Episode 10 - Storm Warning
Episode 11 - Bad Dreams
Episode 12 - Port in a Storm - Part 1
Episode 12 - Port in a Storm - Part 2

Season Three

Episode 1 - Time After Time
Episode 2 - All Due Respect
Episode 3 - Dead Soldiers
Episode 4 - Hamsterdam
Episode 5 - Straight and True
Episode 6 - Homecoming
Episode 7 - Back Burners
Episode 8 - Moral Midgetry
Episode 9 - Slapstick
Episode 10 - Reformation - Part 1
Episode 10 - Reformation - Part 2
Episode 11 - Middle Ground
Episode 12 - Mission Accomplished

Season Four

Episode 1 - Boys of Summer - Part 1
Episode 1 - Boys of Summer - Part 2
Episode 2 - Soft Eyes - Part 1
Episode 2 - Soft Eyes - Part 2
Episode 3 - Home Rooms - Part 1
Episode 3 - Home Rooms - Part 2
Episode 4 - Refugees - Part 1
Episode 4 - Refugees - Part 2
Episode 5 - Alliances
Episode 6 - Margin of Error
Episode 7 - Unto Others
Episode 8 - Corner Boys
Episode 9 - Know Your Place - Part 1
Episode 9 - Know Your Place - Part 2
Episode 10 - Misgivings - Part 1
Episode 10 - Misgivings - Part 2
Episode 11: A New Day
Episode 12: That's Got His Own
Episode 13: Final Grades - Part One
Episode 13: Final Grades - Part Two

Season Five

Episode 1 - More With Less
Episode 2 - Unconfirmed Reports
Episode 3 - Not for Attribution
Episode 4 - Transitions - Part One
Episode 4 - Transitions - Part Two
Episode 5 - React Quotes
Episode 6 - The Dickensian Aspect
Episode 7 - Took
Episode 8 - Clarifications
Episode 9 - Late Editions
Episode 5 - –30– - Part One
Episode 5 - –30– - Part Two