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Russian Guyovitch
Apr 22, 2008

Goodness no, now that wouldn't do at all!

I didn't notice that this ICSA was going on until late this week, so this entry was a bit last minute. I hope that you all can excuse some of the short cuts that I took, as well as my terrible iPhone photos.

Cheesy Blasters - 30 Rock

30 Rock gives us the basics of the recipe, which is pretty straight forward: a jack cheese-stuffed hot dog folded in a pizza.

For my version, I picked up some uncured hot dogs from a local farm at the farmer's market, split them down the middle, and stuffed them with some shredded smoked pepper jack and chopped scallions.

I then wrapped these in some pepper bacon to help keep the cheese from oozing out and roasted them in the oven.

Meanwhile, I crisped up some diced pepperoni in some olive oil, then sauteed some mushrooms in the rendered pepperoni fat.

I then cheated a bit and used some store bought dough and sauce and assembled a couple of small pizzas, topping them with smoked mozzarella, the crispy pepperoni and sauteed mushrooms.

I tossed those in the oven at about 500f and cooked them until the crust was just cooked through but wasn't yet crisp. I then took them out, folded them around the hot dogs, and returned to the oven to finish.

The end result was a delicious, cheesy, fat-and-salt-filled treat.

The Meat Tornado - Parks and Recreation

Unlike with the Cheesy Blasters, Parks and Rec doesn't give us a recipe for the Meat Tornado. All we know is that it's a burrito and Andy Dwyer heard that it killed a guy.

My interpretation is a burrito filled with carnitas, barbacoa and chicken chili.


For the carnitas, I seasoned some boneless country ribs with some salt and pepper, cut them up in to two-inch chunks, and seared them off in a cast iron dutch oven.

Once the meat was browned, I added some orange juice, some sliced lime, a couple cloves of garlic, sliced onion, bay leaf, a jalapeno, cored and seeded, and topped that off with some chicken stock and a splash of red wine vinegar. I covered the pot, then tossed it in the oven at 300f until tender.

After about four hours in the oven, I took the pork out of the pot, reduced down the liquid and then crisped up the pork. Once browned, I removed it from the pot, let it rest and then chopped it into small cubes.


For the barbacoa, I started by searing some seasoned chuck steak, cut in to two-inch chunks, in a separate cast iron pot.

Meanwhile, in the blender, I combined some apple cider vinegar, lime juice, chicken stock, a couple of chipotles with a spoonful of extra adobo sauce, cumin, oregano and ground clove, blending until a smooth sauce.

Once the beef was well browned, I added the sauce to the pot, covered and put in the oven alongside the carnitas for three hours, until it was tender. I then removed the beef from the oven, shredded it with a couple of forks and tossed it with the sauce, then covered the pot and returned it to the oven to cook for another hour.

Chicken Chili

For the chili, I decided to go with a ground meat chili dog-stye chili, to provide a sauce element to the filling of the burrito. I started by roasting some sliced onion, roma tomatoes, garlic and a jalapeno under the broiler for a few minutes.

Meanwhile, get some ground chicken browning in a cast iron pot with some salt, pepper and cumin.

In the blender, pulse together your roasted vegetables until chunky.

Add the vegetables, a cup of chicken stock, and a couple of minced chipotles to the chicken, along with a healthy amount of chili powder, and reduce down to a thick, meaty sauce. Season to taste, then promptly forget to take a picture of the finished product.

While all of these meats are getting ready to be crammed into a tortilla together, whip up some refried beans to add to the mix.

In a quarter cup of rendered bacon fat, sautee together some pinto beans and chopped onion, until the onions are translucent.

With a potato masher, mash the beans and onions together, thin with a bit of vegetable stock to the desired consistency, add salt, pepper and cumin to taste, and then fold in some chopped scallions and crumbled bacon.

With all of the burrito fillings prepared, I began to consider whether or not I should go standard Chipotle-style burrito route and make some rice to add as filler. While I decided not to go the rice route, it got me thinking about California-style burritos and I started thinking about going the french fry route instead. However, since this is supposed to originate from Pawnee, Indiana, I realized if I was going to do that, I had to make the most white trash version of the California burrito possible. So instead of french fries, I went with these:

To assemble, I took two overlapping tortillas and spread a layer of refried beans across them. I then piled on some carnitas, barbacoa, chili, a layer of shredded smoked pepper jack and some tater tots. I also decided to go the wet burrito route and smothered the burrito in a homemade enchilada sauce of chicken stock, tomato paste, chili powder and cumin. I covered this in more cheese, baked in the oven, and served.

I could see how this would kill a guy.

Schweddy Balls - SNL

Pete Schweddy makes all sorts of balls, but they all have three things in common: they're bigger than you expect, they glisten, and are a little misshapen. For our version, we're going to make some delicious dark chocolate and raspberry Schweddy Balls.

First, whisk together your dry ingredients, then mix in your eggs, oil, milk and cup of boiling water. This will make for a thin batter.

Pour the batter into a greased 9 x 13 pan and bake at 350f for about 35 minutes.

While the cake cools, cream together a room temperature stick of unsalted butter with 4 cups of confectioner's sugar, three tablespoons of Chambord, and a tablespoon of milk to make a raspberry buttercream.

Once the cake has cooled, crumble it into a large mixing bowl and fold in buttercream with a wooden spoon until you have a slightly tacky paste.

Form the cake-frosting paste into balls, roughly one and one-half to two inches in diameter, place on a baking sheet, and chill in the refrigerator for a few hours.

In a makeshift bain-marie, melt down some semi-sweet chocolate chips and toss the balls in the chocolate to coat.

Return the coated balls to the baking sheet and then transfer to the freezer until the chocolate has set.

Keep chilled until shortly before serving. Allow the balls to sit at room temperature for about ten minutes so they can develop some condensation, so the balls will be glistening when served.

Russian Guyovitch fucked around with this message at Sep 9, 2014 around 03:37


Drink and Fight
Feb 2, 2003

hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot hoot hoot hoot hoothoothoothoothoothoothoot hoooohootohtothotootothtoto, hoot

Looks good but we're missing a bunch of images.

But Not Tonight
May 22, 2006

I could show you around the sights.

Liz Lemon posted:

♫ You take a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza! ♪

♪ You got Cheesy Blasters! ♫

And then all the kids say "Thanks Meat Cat!", and then Meat Cat flies away on his, um, skateboard.

Despite not being able to see the finished product, both the pizza and hot dogs look fantastic, as opposed to the gross, Hot-Pocket-lookin' things in the show.

E: Yea I'd eat that cheesy blaster. I'd probably feel horrible afterwards, but it looks pretty tasty.

But Not Tonight fucked around with this message at Sep 9, 2014 around 12:28

Russian Guyovitch
Apr 22, 2008

Goodness no, now that wouldn't do at all!

Drink and Fight posted:

Looks good but we're missing a bunch of images.

Well poo poo. Thanks, imgur. I'll look into it when I get home from work.

Jul 17, 2011

Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

That Meat Tornado. Put it in my mouf.

Yeah too bad about the images, but I'll check back later. From what I can see, it's a great entry nonetheless!

Jun 29, 2010


You had me at meat tornado.

Marta Velasquez
Mar 9, 2013

Good thing I was feeling suicidal this morning...

Fallen Rib

I'm seriously going to try to put potatoes or hash browns as a filler in my next burrito. That sounds delicious!

Drink and Fight
Feb 2, 2003

hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot hoot hoot hoot hoothoothoothoothoothoothoot hoooohootohtothotootothtoto, hoot

contrapants posted:

I'm seriously going to try to put potatoes or hash browns as a filler in my next burrito. That sounds delicious!

Try fries or tater tots.


Mr. Wiggles
Dec 1, 2003

I would never shop at Costco. The paper towels won't fit into my sports car!

contrapants posted:

I'm seriously going to try to put potatoes or hash browns as a filler in my next burrito. That sounds delicious!

I grew up with fries in my burritos. It wasn't until I moved North that I discovered the abomination of people putting rice in them instead.

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