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Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Florida Man is great for these.


Side note: isn't Terez Owens the sports version of Perez Hilton?



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Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


corax posted:

Small-town newspaper police blotter sections are always good fun.
From the Homer, AK paper:



I worked for my college newspaper (and still get a free subscription because I was editor-in-chief), and the Security Briefs are always a highlight, although never that detailed. This year they've had three cases of somebody watching porn in the student center--on weeknights, when people are usually there studying or doing work. The first one was specified as "anime porn (hentai)."

There's a long history of student harassment from townies driving on the main drag through campus, usually calling people enjoyable human being or throwing stuff at students.. My favorite of all-time was "Suspect threw lollipop at victim from passing car; reported 11 hours later."

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


canyoneer posted:

The news last night had a story about two trick-or-treaters hit by a car. The video feed showed two huge boats that had crashed into a bridge. The newsreader was going through the story and says, barely pausing, "I think we have the wrong video".

Or child obesity is getting really bad.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


This was a plot point in a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode, except I think it was on the gravestone.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Centripetal Horse posted:

No, it was in the obituary. That screenshot is actually from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Ah, you're right. The episode I'm thinking of involves an angry engraver putting "Mother of Larry David, rear end in a top hat and swan killer."

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



I think it's supposed to mean "don't be a jerk" and they tried to make it a verb.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


pookel posted:

Things you never, ever type into your dummy text box, even without intending to print a proof, even as a joke for a coworker ...

And they misspelled "for" to boot.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


walrusman posted:

Lemme guess, part of an article called "28 Pictures That Prove We Live in a surprise sex Culture?"

That's not really what Deadspin does. Also it's funny.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Bug Bill Murray posted:

Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper
Here's a little dog-bites-man tale I couldn't resist! Except replace "dog" with "850-pound black bear"! And "bites" with "anally violate"!

Yes, last Saturday a zookeeper at the Metropolitan Zoo had "claws" for alarm when he was attacked and raped by the same black bear he had raised from a cub! Geez, talk about gratitude!
"It was horrible, just horrible, " sobbed an eyewitness. Guess she sure got an eyeful!

The bear, named "Barry", " attacked zookeeper Ron Gilks as Gilks entered the cage to give him dinner. Barry lunged at his throat, goring him with his huge claws and razor-sharp teeth. Some of the claw marks were three-quarters of an inch deep. Ouch!

Then, astonished onlookers could "bearly" believe what happened next--Barry began to brutally surprise sex zookeeper Gilks!

Frantic zookeepers rushed for rifles as others tried to divert the bear. But there was no stopping Barry! This bear kept "bearing down, " and Gilks just had to grin and "bear" it! Maybe Barry was mistaking him for his "honey"!

Barry's 27-inch phallus, armed with guard hairs as sharp as red-hot needles, shot through Gilks' rectum, shattered his lower spine and skewered his colon, causing his entire lower torso to "cave" in! Yikes! Bet that wasn't the type of "cave" you had in mind when you took up zookeeping, Mr. Gilks!

And can you imagine Gilks' surprise when Barry's putrid ursine semen flooded his ruptured chest cavity? (By the way, Mr. Gilks, whatever cologne you've been wearing, where can the public get some?)

Finally, zookeeper Eric Pulliam shot Barry with a tranquilizer gun and pulled Gilks from the cage. The unconscious bear was later destroyed. Hey, this "Yogi" made a major "Boo-Boo"!

"I have worked with dangerous animals before, " zoo director Kate Donegal said. "But never have I seen any animal sexually assault a human being." "Barry"? Try "Scary"!

Meanwhile, Gilks was pronounced dead at an area hospital--but at least he died grinning and bearing it! No doubt, this episode gives new meaning to the term, "Do not feed the bears!"





couldn't find the original link

That's an Onion article that for some reason is no longer on the website.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



Owls are assholes.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



"He had this one ho, she was pulling guns out of her pussy. poo poo was unseemly."

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Istari posted:

Not so ridiculous, but it made me laugh:




e:


The future is now.

This seems more like a medical advancement than a sexual one.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



Six Feet Under really had to stretch for some of those opening scenes late in its run.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


That lede is amazing too.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


The Mentalizer posted:

I'd never seen this before and it's funny as hell.

I like the immersive photo essay they have to accompany the occasion.

This holiday is incredible

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


swampland posted:

Counter point: Johnny Depp

And Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



I preferred Deadspin's take on this, which was "This Old Motherfucker Named Carl Punched the poo poo Out of a Bear"

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


quote:

He returned to his flat and barricaded the door after they called the police and he was involved in a stand-off before he had to be Tasered twice, with police worried they would hit his colostomy bag.

quote:

Salter-Bromley exposed himself and spread excrement and urine in Hull's Wilson centre in the main reception and toilets and he was given an Asbo for a string of nuisance calls to emergency services.

quote:

"He said in the bus incident the woman admitted she had not felt threatened. The knife was only a butter knife, which was blunt and only slightly serrated," he said. "His physical state is poor. He once tried to kill himself and broke his back.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Karma Monkey posted:

I like how the article had a photo of Dr. Who with a Dalek in case you needed to be reminded of what that looked like before imagining an angry dwarf spitting dominoes and screaming "EXTERMINATE!" It really added a lot to the piece.

I like that it's the Peter Capaldi Doctor so I can imagine Malcolm Tucker screaming at a dwarf with a mouth full of dominoes

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Wanamingo posted:

How's that happen, anyway? I'd think it was a browser extension that changes gate to fart, but if that were the case then it seems like it'd be investifartd.

Started typing investigated, made some sort of typo that led to backspacing up to "investi," phone thought a new word was starting and corrected "gated" to "farted" after hitting a couple of wrong buttons. That's my guess.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Mulva posted:

I don't think so; but there was a case where a court determined that they can lie, since calling yourself news doesn't mean you have to tell the truth.

This is how Chinese media absolved themselves from fault after reporting an Onion story as real.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Fight breaks out in Birmingham over Kid Rock conversation.

Kid Rock is currently wrapping up a 10-night stand in my hometown (where he lives). I hate Kid Rock. This is some of why I hate him.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Someone Awful! posted:



It was apparently supposed to be the Starship Enterprise. The result...





This needs the video. The "Enterprise" flies into the Jayhawk's mouth.
http://www.sbnation.com/2015/9/5/92...hawk-performing

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Clochette posted:

You guys ever read the letters to the editor? They're great. (Maybe NWS)



I actually had to double-check to see if New York Daily News was actually satire.

Bonus insanity:


I work in the industry. You should see what gets sent in that doesn't get published.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



Big Beaver Road in metro-Detroit is Exit 69 off of I-75.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


CJacobs posted:

You can ride elephants in Far Cry 4? :o

It loving owns

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


cyberia posted:

If I haven't played the other Far Cry games should I start at 4 or get the other ones first?

It's the only one I've played and it's one of the most fun games I've ever experienced

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Cythereal posted:

3 is fun if you can ignore the game's less-than-subtle theme that you the player are a callous bastard for enjoying the game.

That's ultimately the theme of 4 as well.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



Oh man, I got to copy-edit an amazing police blotter from the west suburbs of Chicago this week. All of these were real reports from the same town:

quote:

-A man told a preschool teacher he wanted to eat the children at Grace Lutheran Church, 200 N. Catherine Ave., it was reported at 7:26 a.m. Nov. 10. Police weren’t able to locate the man.
-A man screaming for several hours was reported at 8:31 p.m. Nov. 8 in an apartment on the 300 block of South 6th Avenue. Police determined the man had stubbed his toe.
-An 8-year-old boy was reported missing at 3:19 p.m. Nov. 7 from his home on the 200 block of South Ashland Avenue. Police located the child inside the home.
-Police were requested at 4:34 p.m. Nov. 7 to calm parents arguing over a play at an athletic field at Cossitt and Gilbert avenues. The parents complied.
-A man wearing a black ski mask chased a woman taking out the garbage, it was reported at 8:33 p.m. Nov. 6 at apartments on the 200 block of East Plainfield Road. Police weren’t able to locate the man.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Yeah, it doesn't really compare to stubbed toe guy, but it is strange.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


spog posted:



The Grauniad writers genuinely believe what they write.

It is written by, and for, the Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark passengers.

Is there a joke behind "Grauniad" or is this the British newspaper equivalent of a Rivals.com pun?

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


The film career equivalent of Bob Saget's standup.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Wheat Loaf posted:

Oh, I've no doubt that they're completely sincere, but apparently some people are outraged by it and think it's trolling.

When Hitchens was diagnosed with cancer and people offered to pray, he was grateful because it showed they cared even if he didn't think it would do any good.

Hitchens wasn't nearly the rear end in a top hat that Dawkins is though.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



I'm assuming this is about Kawhi Leonard's freakish hands.

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


https://twitter.com/charlesapple/st...293719375249408

https://twitter.com/olenskae/status/711255046076370945

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010



That kid should respect a loving burn when he hears it

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Collateral Damage posted:

The Swedish liberal party announced their new logo.

https://twitter.com/bjorklundjan/st...840623095242752



I see they're into Loss jokes as well

Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Panic! at Nabisco posted:

The amount of space between the guy's floated headshot and the actual text kind of hurts me

Yeah I'm as bothered by the design as I am by them forgetting to put the story in.

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Henchman of Santa
Aug 21, 2010


Most pet stores I've been to sell things like fish, lizards and rodents. They also might host an adoption event for cats and dogs.

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