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Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

"Rated E for Everyone!" Except for you, you, and you.

What is Radiation’s Halloween Hack?

Radiation's Halloween Hack is a hack of Earthbound made by Robert "Toby" Fox/"Radiation" in the year of 2009. As the player, we follow the exploits of Ares Toraernos as he struggles through the depths of Winters to kill a monster and get his paycheck. It's comparable to taking methamphetamine for the first time ever while watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. That is, you’ll question your morality several times, end up laughing at some points, but mostly just see weird poo poo over and over again. Also Johnny Depp might be there for some reason. Hopefully Fear and Loathing Johnny Depp, not some other movie-induced Johnny Depp incarnation. Because, Good God, imagine Willy Wonka taking copious amounts of drugs trying to find the American Dream. Actually, never mind, I would pay good money to see that if that came out as a real movie. Ignore any negativity that was created just there.

Oh, did I mention it's insane as batshit hell? Well, it's insane as batshit hell.

But despite all that, it’s a pretty decent hack. So I hope you guys enjoy the ride, because it’s gonna be like psychoanalyzing War and Peace while trying to sleep off a hangover and tap-dancing to the worst polka song you can think of.

Note: We're assuming you've played Earthbound before, so if you haven't, go do that first.

How are you going to be playing this?

Screenshot LP. My buddy UltraVariant/UltraViolence (Who will be speaking in his OUTDOOR VOICE...and who’s too frugal to spend $8 to change an accidental name), and I (Variant_Eris) will be commentating through this mind screw of a crazy drug-fueled haze of an Earthbound ROM-hack. Or, essentially, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas...again.

And trust me, I would know.

Part 1: Ares Toraernos vs. The File Select Screen
Part 2: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Virtues of Being a Dick
Part 3: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Tree Hugging Sewers of Twoson
Part 4: Jerry Toraernos vs. All the Colors of the Rainbow
Part 5: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Decision
Part 6: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Gates of Death
Part 7: Magicant
Part 8: Regret
Part 9: Guilt
Part 10: Distortion
Part 11: FIN

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 20:08 on Jan 20, 2015


Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 1: Ares Toraernos vs. The File Select Screen

Welp, there’s nothing to be said, so let’s get this party started.

I always thought this looked more like Bigfoot than an ape, but to each their own.

Unfortunately, due to limitations back then, this part of the hack hasn’t been changed.

...This was made less than ten years ago...

Earthbound OST - Title Screen

...This hasn’t been changed either.

...Or this.

Hey, they changed Ness into Emo McSadness up there. Props for that.

Earthbound OST - File Select

Radiation swapped out the original Earthbound background and changed it with a blood-like animation.

I really want the host of Let’s Make a Deal to pop up out of nowhere and say “Now, do you want what’s behind save file 1, 2, or 3?”.

Anyways, the text speed’s going to be quick, since I don’t feel like slogging through everything.

As for this...well I honestly don’t care. Either or is fine with me.

My favorite Frank is Sinatra.

Also, vote for one of these window colors. In case you need a run down, we have Plain...

Vote Quimby.


Scarlet Doom...

...and Icy Ghost.

Earthbound OST - Your Name Please

Also vote for this guy’s name. You might recognize him from the Brandish series made by Falcom. If you're struggling to remember who they are, it’s probably because they’re the guys who made the Ys and Legend of Heroes series.

As someone who’s not big into JRPGs and the sort, that means nothing to me besides gibberish. But coolio.

Also, in case you want to know, his default name is Ares Toraernos, but Radiation went with the much more lamer ‘Varik’ from the Americanized version of Brandish 1.

Vote for her name as well

She looks like my mother.

Too much information.

And his.

This is what Variant looks like in real life.

Lies and slander.

We’ll let the court decide.

...As well as Feces over here.

That’s sexist.

...Not to mention the name of the First-Born Mandog.

If only there was room to write ManBearPig...

...And your favorite food.

Human children, lightly seasoned with onion powder.

Dear Jesus, why does this actually exist. It’s like the drat witch from Hansel and Gretel decided to go on a diet.

Are we psychic? Are we not psychic?

You can’t let THE MAN decide what you are or aren’t. Don’t let him bring you down, you can be psychic if you want to be.

So that’s it.

Thank you for reading/watching/digesting our Halloween Hack Screenshot LP, and tune in next time to when we try to Screenshot LP E.T. for the Atari 2600. Good night everybo-

You know, that probably wasn’t necessary, but whatever. Anyways, decide on the which Frank we like, which awful window color you want to torture me with the most, the names of our heroes, the firstborn man-dog, our favorite food, and the proof that we are/are not psychic. Bold your vote (five character limit) and we’ll go from there.

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 21:05 on Jan 22, 2015

Mar 7, 2010

College Slice

Variant_Eris posted:

You know, that probably wasn’t necessary, but whatever. Anyways, decide on the which Frank we like, which awful window color you want to torture me with the most, the names of our heroes, the firstborn man-dog, our favorite food, and the proof that we are/are not psychic. Bold your vote (five character limit) and we’ll go from there.

Frank: Hotdog
Window: Icy
Varik: Gas
Paula: Thred
Jeff: Ban
Poo: OP
Dog: Dog
Psychic proof: Obama

Feb 21, 2012

Frank: Weiner
Window: Icy
Varik: Ares
Paula: Mom
Jeff: Melvn
Poo: Jet
Dog: Barf
Food: Candy
Psychic: Fire

Valgaav fucked around with this message at 06:35 on Nov 2, 2014

Oct 27, 2010

Hitlers Gay Secret posted:

Frank: Hotdog
Window: Icy
Varik: Gas
Paula: Thred
Jeff: Ban
Poo: OP
Dog: Dog
Psychic proof: Obama

Seconding this vote, great names.

Blackray Jack
Apr 7, 2007
Murderology AND Murderonomy!

Hitlers Gay Secret posted:

Frank: Hotdog
Window: Icy
Varik: Gas
Paula: Thred
Jeff: Ban
Poo: OP
Dog: Dog
Psychic proof: Obama

Just to see how far this goes.

May 23, 2008

Window: Scarlet Doom, as it matches the color of my soul.
Varik: Ssen, as he is obviously Ness's evil twin. Plus, it sounds like "sin", which is so badass.
Favorite Thing: Sorrow. I want to see the main guy kill enemies with his sadness.
Favorite Food: Whatever people choose as their favorite frank.

Don't care about the rest. e: Changed my mind, Default names for everyone else. It sounds like it'd be more entertaining if everything else besides Badass Falcom Protagonist was played straight with all the weird changes this game probably has.

This looks like a loving trip, looking forward to seeing this thing.

Mega64 fucked around with this message at 10:05 on Nov 2, 2014

Nov 2, 2014

Despite being the co-author, I'm voting for the names as well, since Eris is handling the naming duties (and will probably ignore me, anyways). Using the names I used on my original playthrough:

Frank: Hotdog
Window: Icy
Varik: Uhhh, poo poo, I forget. Let's go with Jerry.
Paula: Bill♪
Jeff: I also forget. How about Piano?
Poo: Feces
Dog: 666
You're not Psychic: Yes

Double May Care
Mar 28, 2012

We need Dragon-type Pokemon to help us prepare our food before we cook it. We're not sure why!

Frank: Hotdog
Window: DOOOOM
Varik: Trent
Paula: Hailey
Jeff: Linkin
Poo: Poo
Dog: Lamb
Food: Souls
Psychic: Misery

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 2: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Virtues of Being a Dick

The crowd has spoken.

You’ve been voted off the island.

Hotdogs have been lauded as the best way to chow down.


Icy Ghost has been chosen as the window color.

Danny Phantom is proud of you.

Jerry and Mom were amusing suggestions, so I went with them. On another note, Jerry seems to be the kind of guy that consumes the souls of the living on a typical Friday night.

So essentially, your entire existence.

Not unlike this guy.

Amount of references I don’t understand so far: 2

Obama definitely proves that we are/are not psychic. It’s kind of ambiguous.

It’s okay, the NSA already knows.

Anyways, let’s get started.

Too far to turn back?

Of course. Who do you take me for?

Radiation's Halloween Hack OST - Twoson Love Theme

In a galaxy, far, far away…

When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow.

...Or a palette swapped version of Twoson.

This takes place after Earthbound, in case you didn't get the context.

A few more blocks of scenery…

The land of second-place winners and first-place losers. It's unfortunate that those Onett jerks got first pick when it came to town names.

Isn’t Onett basically three houses and a creepy old shack on a hill? Is it even a town?

Cut to black...

When the screen pans back in, we’re introduced to a hyperactive tap-dancing man-child who’s hopped up on too much sugar. Say hi to Jerry.

Apparently his left shoulder is asleep. Poor guy’s gonna have pins and needles in a second.

Jerry says hi back.

: “Wonderful. How am I supposed to get all these blood stains out of my clothes now...? Seriously man, It’s gonna take a week, and it’ll be all your fault.”

Now you won’t have to, with new and improved Oxyclean stain remover!

The screen is supposed to shake, but I couldn’t capture it very well.

Achieve similar effect by furiously shaking your monitor side to side.

: “Cops are here, huh…? Guess I shouldn’t have spent so much time ripping out that guy’s heart.”
: <Turns toward Dying Man.>
: “You’re still paying for my laundry, though.”

: *Gurgle*

After exiting the room…

Radiation’s Halloween Hack OST - Synchronicity
Brandish 2 Version

It's nice how Radiation recomposed Synchronicity for this game.

Amount of references I don’t understand so far: 3

: “Wake up! B-Bounty hunter...Get up off the floor, idiot! Whatever you’re dreaming about...It probably isn’t even real...Just get up!”
: “I am up. And I’m pretty sure the cops coming after me are real too.”
: “Really, I have no idea what you’re doing...This isn’t where you’re...Oh, jeez, Jerry! This isn’t a joke...wake up or I’ll call the cops!”

Pictured: Our hero in a nutshell.

Party hard.

: “A bit too late for that one, Mysterious Talkative Voice. The cops are already after m-”

The screen fades to white…

*CAUCASIAN*, you racist honky.

Earthbound OST - Chaos Theater

We somehow arrive from a murder scene to a cheap theater on the corner of Main Avenue Street. It looks like our hero was sleeping off a drunken stupor.

In the middle of a theater. Dude’s as good a role model-hero as Holden Caulfield.

It goes to say that Jerry isn’t a good influence on children.

Moral of the story: Don’t let your children near Jerry.

: “With all that armor, you weigh...jeez! That being said, uh, the manager wants a word with you. He’s over in that room to the left, which, er...It’s the one behind me, just go straight. Sorry… just be more careful, Jerry!...and try not to get in trouble with the boss!

“I KNEW I should have stayed home today!”

: “Look, I wasn’t trying to set the building on fire...or chase off the customers with that katana...or get drunk and stand on the stage, singing “Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows”...I mean no kids were watching, right? That’s all that really matters...and if they WERE, I’ll just, y’know, pay them off. Or threaten them. Ya dig?”

: “... you might want to wipe your feet, too.”

Apparently, the manager is behind the doors on the left. Groovy.

Hah, I get it. Because of the phrase “Exit, stage left”. Hahah...

Oh no. No. No no no no no no. Not this...this…

We ain’t doin’ any work for you this time, bub!

: “No, no, I’m not here to get you in trouble…”
: “...Well, okay. Maybe a little bit of trouble.”
: "..."
: “You’re a pretty popular guy, what’s-your-face.”

: “People have been flocking to my show for a chance to see you…I don’t know where you came from, and it really doesn’t matter!”

“We come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow...”
: “What can I say? It’s the shadowy eyes and my manly physique.”
: “Can I finish?”

Earthbound OST - Hidden Track

: “The people are terrified. They need a hero. A girl’s parents...they were found dead in their own of them, anyway.”

This is how the crazy drug-fueled train starts chugging. You guys can blame Pirkle for the mind screw that’s going to ensue later.

Or blame that “gary jane” them crazy teenagers are injectin’...

: “The girl said she saw some horrible creature break the window and lurch inside...She saw it slowly stagger into her parent’s room. She sat there, petrified, silent, fearful for her very own life. Through her door, she saw the monster grab her parents, tear them apart, shove their innards down its throat and scream hungrily, its mouth drenched with blood. Crime scene reports have returned nothing conclusive…”

Rated E for Everyone

Hear, hear.

For your information, Foggyland is the Earthbound equivalent of England. Eagleland, the country in which Twoson is located in, is basically America.

So Foggyland is full of tea, crumpets, and bad teeth. How much is a flight there?

: “They’ve deducted that the creature came from Winters-”
: “I think you meant ‘deduced’ th-”
: “Silence!”
: “The town’s reinforced their manhole covers, put on a curfew…”

Earthbound OST - Chaos Theater

: “...For the most part, life’s getting back to normal.”

“An unidentified, ravenous monster devoured two people faster than Hannibal Lecter on crack and we don’t know where it is, nor even WHAT it is. But everything’s normal.”

: “Nobody want to worry about getting eaten alive. Catch my drift? But boy, was it shocking!”
: ”Yeah, I’m sure…”
: “...Where’d that monster come from? Are there more of them?”

Considering that they pop up as an encounter later on in the game, I’d say that there are an infinite amount of them.

Hey, hey, spoilers! Golly gee, man…


: “Look, kid, you look like hero, you smell like hero...Everyone can just tell that sort of thing. Go find where that monster came from and kill it. That’s not a request, it’s a demand. Ignore it if you want, but the blood of innocents will be on your hands. Here’s the key, hyuk, hyuk!”
: “Hold it. What’s in it for me?”
: “I have connections in the police department. One word from me, and your record will be wiped clear.”
: “...What if I don’t do it?”
: “I call the police department, and they arrest you for arson, assault, public degradation, drunk driving, etc.”

Public degradation is when you gently caress a manhole cover.

I could've gone through life without that image in my head.

: ”....Fine, I’ll take the job.”

And thus we got the keys to our next destination: the sewers. I’m sure Jerry will need that imaginary laundry bill once we’re done down there.

: “Those monsters don’t stand a chance against you! Make sure you finish before election season- ...I mean, wouldn’t it look great having a candidate back you up?”


: “Please keep this in mind while you enjoy our show.”

Heading outside…

Radiation's Halloween Hack OST - Twoson Love Theme

It’s pretty obvious that it’s autumn. I...don’t have anything else to say here.

Or Spring if you’re in the Southern hemisphere.

Well, it looks like the sewers are here. However, we actually want to grind to level 5-6 and purchase some food/equipment before heading down there. If we don’t, Jerry will probably be horribly mauled and gang-banged by some hippie cult.

If I may quote you from earlier, I didn’t need that image in my head.

It seems that we didn’t need the key after all, as it’s already unlocked. But let’s not go down there yet.

Instead, let’s talk to the NPCs.

: “...woof? Okay, screw it! I’m not talking to non-psychics.”

: “I must stand next to signs or I will kill someone.”

I have those days every so often. It's kind of liberating to act as crazy as you want.

This guy sells some food, but in all honesty, most of the stuff here isn’t worth your time. Halloween cookie heals around 6 HP, and the garlic bagel heals for around 30. You can get Hamburgers for $14 at the department store, but they only heal 50 HP.

Thus, Pumpkin loaf is the best choice, healing a whopping 80 HP when eaten.

So if Jerry buys 3 Pumpkin Loaves and 2 Garlic Bagels, how much money has he spent?

: You could say I “rule” the school! Except that would probably get me punched in the face, wouldn’t it.

Yes, and rightfully fuckin’ so. Nerd.

I take offense at that.

: “Most definitely. Kids these days and their preferences to violence…”

Oh no... do we have to beat up one of the Sanchez Brothers instead of Everdred?

His source of power is the sombrero.

Apparently not.


Anyways, let’s get some background info.

No...not you…

Hey, it’s Tangerine Child.

Earthbound OST - Apple Kid’s Theme

Hey, it’s Cherry Lad.

Here we are. Unlike Orange Kid or any of the other residents of Twoson, Apple Kid actually has something to say in regards to the hack’s background info.

That trash can only has a pile of feces, by the way.


: “I wasn’t looking for any, but whatever. What do you have for me, random guy whose house I just broke into?”
: “All I have is this really bad gut feeling, and it’s not from anything I’ve eaten. After me and Dr. Andonuts invented the Phase Distorter and the kids went back in time to…...sacrifice themselves against Giygas...I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.”

Y’know, some of us haven’t finished the base game...

: “Yeah...indigestion can do that. Don’t worry man, I feel you.”
: “Of course not that I just feel guilty sending them back in time...Statistically, it was the right thing for us to do, but...I haven’t seen the doctor ever since we got the bad news. Where could he be?

So there you have it. In this timeline, the Chosen Four sacrificed themselves to defeat Giygas. It’s understandable that they didn’t think of praying. I mean, who honestly tries to kill an evil abomination by praying?

Oh, this is fanon. Never mind. Carry on.

: “You can just call me King Manlypants III until then.”

Anyways, let’s see how Paula’s “Mom’s” family is holding up. I...don’t have high hopes for them.

They all dead. Probably. If not, I’ll make them such.

Easy there, Han Solo. Let's not go all sociopathic on us, all right?

Earthbound OST - Paula’s “Mom’s” Theme

: “I wish she could come back and play with all of us again.”

Hello, little girl, you can play with ME now.

Now you’re just being creepy.

...And here’s Paula’s Mom's Mom. Apparently she’s gone off the deep end. Oh well, at least she’ll get good drugs in the psychiatric wa-

: “I’m Mom’s mother. I’m busy taking care of these kids.“

...Or not. Forget what I just said!

: "...Aren’t you concerned for her? You know...with her death and everything."
: “...huh? No, I’m not worried...she’s our guardian angel, watching over us."

That’s…pretty sad. No parent should have to see their child die during their lifetime. Then again, I’m pretty sure every parent wants their child to save the world at least once, so it all balances out in the end.

liek dis lp if u cri everytime

Anyways, let’s see how Mom’s dad is faring.

Hopefully, it won’t be anything like this.

He’s blue dabba-dee-da.

: “She and her friends, brave fools that they were, went back in time to combat the ultimate evil, Giygas...Needless to say, they never returned. Everyone else has moved on, and I’m trying my best, but sometimes I still find myself in tears at the sacrifice we made…Never again will we share another piece of apple pie…Never again will I see her smiling with that kid at her arm and tell him to sleep on the couch...”

Well, now you can have the WHOLE apple pie! See, your kid dying isn’t THAT bad!

: “Giygas can’t resist my baking prowess!...but...I know only she could defeat him. It was for the best…”
: <Awkward pat on the shoulder.>
: “...oh, my! What am I doing, pouring my heart out to a complete stranger!? P-please leave at once!”

: “Fine...after one last thing…”

And so Jerry Toraernos ruined the moment by stealing a dead girl’s Teddy Bear. Excellent role-model, folks.

Hey, she’s dead. She won’t care.

On the way back, we encounter an enemy.

Right on, man. Down with the pigs! *Smokes gary jane*

But before that…

It’s time to shank some bitches.

Earthbound OST - Frank's Theme

Despite the fact that it’s a recolor of a boss from Earthbound, this guy’s a pushover. The Frankensteam is not worth talking about, in any way, shape or form.

Combat works the same way it does in Earthbound. The only thing that's somewhat different is the names of PSI abilities and stuff.

Unfortunately, I forgot that this guy’s only a pushover at level 5. Whoops.

Good job. We’re not even two parts in and you’ve already died to a terrible pun.

Anyways, let’s try again with a much weaker opponent.

I kinda feel bad for kicking a sugar-high kid into the next day, but ends must meet.

Jerry Toraernos: Mugger of Children everywhere. Ph. D in the science of being an rear end in a top hat.

And chocoholic.

Level up!

After a bit of exploration...

Someone left their Subway here. Oh well, finders keepers!

Still makes more sense than finding meat in the walls. *coughcastlevaniacough*

So after several muggings of children, trashed machines, depressurized puppets, and others, Jerry is now at…

Level 5. I suppose it’s a good time to tackle the sewers now.

Say hi to the TMNT for me.

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 21:58 on Jan 22, 2015

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 3: Ares Toraernos vs. The Tree Hugging Sewers of Twoson

I grind to level 6 offscreen. Jerry learns Whiteshock Alpha (PSI Flash) and Cleanse Alpha (PSI Healing).

I can’t wait for the Beta release.

What about the Gamma or Omega release?

At an earlier level, he also learned Sleepstun Alpha (PSI Hypnosis) and Timestop Alpha (PSI Paralysis), but I didn’t catch a screenshot of it at the time. In case you haven’t noticed, this is basically Ness’s skillset from Earthbound.

Well, now that we’ve completed our child muggings/murder spree, it’s time to withdraw our blood money and prepare for the sewers.

I do find it funny that there’s an entirely separate room for the ATM. Would make missions easier if Payday 2 had that.

Radiation’s Halloween Hack OST - Twoson Love Theme

And by “prepare”, I actually meant stuffing a dozen or so Pumpkin Loaves down Jerry’s pants.

...I don’t even need to comment on this, you’ve made it inappro-pro enough.

Oh, and your unhealthy obsession with manhole covers isn’t appropriate either?!

Shhhhh, baby, he didn’t mean that…

I...that’s it. This conversation is over. It’s gotten too creepy for me to continue this line of thought.

At this point, I ditch the key. It’s been dead weight since the moment we’ve gotten it. The Toothbrush, on the other hand, gets sold because Jerry only needs Listerine. And the Ruler gets sold for whatever reason you can think of.

But now you can’t say you rule the school. Or fashion a toothbrush shank.

I’m sure you could fashion a ruler shank as well. Or an ATM Card Shank if you really wanted to.

I purchase a Rapier from this guy, since Jerry needs a weapon upgrade and his dinky little knife ain’t gonna cut it when it comes to the sewers. The Silent Dagger gets sold for $20.

HAH HAH, “cut” it, HAAAAAAAAAAAAH...wait, this wasn’t intentional, was it.

No, it wasn’t. I will never make a pun, and I will hurt the next person who tries to make one.

Self-harm isn’t funny.

A Monster Book is also purchased. It has no use whatsoever until you read the description:

“It’s a copy of an ancient tome, tattered and yellowed with age. The runes on the pages are undecipherable and make your head spin just reading them. However, you get a deepset feeling in the back of your head about what they’re saying:

-Nonliving foes can easily be stopped in time due to their lack of resistance.
-Living enemies are easily put to sleep, as their will is easily dominated.
-Undead enemies are susceptible to the light, and are easily blinded.

That’s all you can understand- otherwise, this script is worthless.”

So there you have it -each enemy type has their own weakness to a status effect. And Jerry, being the status tosser of the game, is important in causing these ailments.

Just keep this in mind, especially later on in the game. Status effects are drat useful, and can affect the outcome of a battle easily.

Wait, wait, I played through both Earthbound and the ROMhack WITHOUT knowing this? Oy vey.

To be fair, you only played an hour of this hack before we decided “Hey, let’s LP this thing! It’s weird and stuff!”

It was a good hour.

Anyways, it’s time to pick up a few more items before starting the madness. I enter Onett from Twoson's north side.

Yeah...Onett has seen better days.

While you’re here, avoid the shrooms. They can go from sprouting a mushroom on your head to ripping off your rear end in 10 seconds if you don’t get the hell away.

To be fair, they were probably bad shrooms. Buy from my dealer next time, he coolio.

Anyways, there’s a Black Helmet in this box. Other than increasing defense by one point, it also protects the wearer from Whiteshock/PSI Flash attacks, so it’s pretty handy to have around.

Huh...let’s see what the Exit Mice have to say. Or rather, their freeloader.

Earthbound OST - Zombie Paper

: “Some people are really dedicated to seeing the solar eclipse. I know the police are crazy just keeping all the people out of our town! But really, I’m sure you’re expecting some boss fight or really powerful item. So, are you ready?”
: “Shoot.”
: “Hold your breath...No, I really don’t have anything. Stop wandering in places you don’t belong, curious adventurer!

Is that loving Conan the Barbarian.

Eh. He was the first person I thought of when I looked at the guy’s ugly face.

: “..."
: "...What? Look man, just get the hell offa my property before I get my shotgun. We don’t serve your kind here."

He’s also a racist honky.

He’s telling the truth. There is a blockade up there that prevents you from going any further. Likewise, the tunnel to Happy Happy Village is blocked by a boulder.

As for the tunnel to Threed...well, the ghosts from Earthbound have taken to haunting it again. Since it’s near Halloween in-game, I think we can cut them a bit of slack.

Besides, I’m sure we all know who to call in case of emergencies like these.

Charlie Chan?

Who are you gonna call!? Ghostbusters!!!!!!

Close enough.

But anyways, enough screwing around. Let’s hop to it, shall we?

Radiation’s Halloween Hack OST - Synchronicity
Brandish: Dark Revenant Version

It's nice how Radiation included the narration style from the Brandish series.

Amount of references I don’t understand: 4

: “-for seedy browns and the gnarly stench of rotten water.“

: “A sickly, warm breeze like the breath of some terrible fiend wafts across your face, forming a deep pit at the bottom of your stomach.

You have a bad feeling…”

: “No! My booze money! Where is it!?"

Okay, here we go. This is actually part one of the sewers. It’s actually harder than part two, but we’ll get to that.

First, let’s beat up this hippy here and hope that Jerry won’t be viciously mauled/and/or sexually assaulted for his policing efforts.

Earthbound OST - Battle Against a Mobile Opponent

Jerry Toraernos vs. The Tree Hugging Sewers of Twoson

Daddy? Is that you?

I think you can tell who won. If you’re at level six by the time you reach the sewers, you won’t have much trouble getting through it.

Earthbound OST - Save the Miners!

I make a detour and go through here. Jerry is really gonna need that imaginary laundry bill once we’re done here.

On the next screen, I pick up a new piece of equipment for Jerry. It gets equipped on his arm and increases his defense by 5.

I’m sure Oscar is thrilled someone stole his roof.

Sesame Street. Really…? Is that the best reference you could think of…?


These guys are a bit of a nuisance, especially in pairs, but it’s nothing that Jerry can’t handle.

They are pointing at their crotches. I am uncomfortable.

So we’ve went from manholes to trash cans. Lovely.

I go the opposite way, and head up for another detour.

A bit further down, I find a Combat knife. It’s utterly useless, since I have the Rapier, but I’ll hold onto it until it can be sold.

Or you can dual-wield and be unstoppable.

More walking...

A trashcan on the final screen reveals a Hawaiian pizza. It heals the entire party for 300 HP, and is probably one of the best healing items in the game.

...Still, who throws away an ENTIRE Hawaiian pizza?

Apparently these guys did.


In all honesty, there’s not much to say about the sewers. It’s relatively straightforward, and except for two detours (The Garbagecan Lid and the Combat Knife), there aren’t any paths that split.

The same goes for part 2 of the sewers...but it’s a little different to say the least.

Anyways, here’s the end of Part 1. I save my game and head through the door. Be warned that once you go through the door, you cannot go back.

Here we go.


: “-to Foggyland...

Even though Winters lies incredibly far away, even though you’ve been coerced into destroying a monster who may not even exist…

Some forbidden force drives your legs yet forward.

Minutes, hours, days…

An unknown, boundless amount of time passes since you opened the door. Like the undead you’ve been chosen to fight, you lurch endlessly forward, as if in a trance…

: “They drip with a viscous, purple liquid which burns to the touch. The water’s hue slowly drifts from dark brown to an unfamiliar, foul-smelling red.

Suddenly, eyes are burning into you from all sides and your head is pounding with fear.

You kneel over and clutch your stomach tightly. Something is so wrong, so, so wrong.

: “...”
: “...”
: “...”
: “...Oh gently caress.”

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 22:18 on Jan 22, 2015

May 23, 2008

The NPC dialogue actually looks decent, capturing part of the original game's spirit without devolving into "hahaha gently caress PENIS poo poo DONGS" stuff that most hacks like this do. Of course, that's cancelled out by the long and "trying too hard to be badass grimdark" monologues. Monsters seem neat, too.

So far, this hack doesn't look horrible, which is quite the achievement in itself. I'm sure that will change as the game goes on, though.

Monk E
May 19, 2009

Remember seeing an LP of this on youtube but it already seems like it glossed a lot of stuff so its nice to see a more thorough look at it.

Mar 10, 2013

As much as this hack has... problems. I liked it. Especially one area in particular, but I'll wait to talk about that one.

Feb 25, 2013

Bear Witness

I think I vaguely remember this. If it's the one I'm thinking, I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of it, because I've never actually seen beyond a certain point.

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Mega64 posted:

The NPC dialogue actually looks decent, capturing part of the original game's spirit without devolving into "hahaha gently caress PENIS poo poo DONGS" stuff that most hacks like this do. Of course, that's cancelled out by the long and "trying too hard to be badass grimdark" monologues. Monsters seem neat, too.

So far, this hack doesn't look horrible, which is quite the achievement in itself. I'm sure that will change as the game goes on, though.


From here on out, you won't be seeing much comparisons to Earthbound (until the middle of the hack, at least). The monologues actually begin to fit in at this point, and the monsters...well, I'll get to that.

But you know what? I liked it. And I'm not going to stop mocking Jerry for his clearly LSD-addled mind. At least it doesn't have any of that DONGS crap...Okay, except for one thing...

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 20:22 on Nov 8, 2014

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 4: Jerry Toraernos vs. All the Colors of the Rainbow

Earthbound OST - Hidden Track

Huh... that was something...completely unsanitary...but it was something...

Just in case you’re color-blind, the sewage here has been replaced by bloody sewage. With bloody sewage, you’re more likely to contract certain...diseases.


Like Sewers: Part 1, there isn’t much to say here. Everything is more or less in a straight line, and if you start from the start, it’s pretty much impossible to get lost. Gameplay wise, the overworld isn’t any different from Part 1. The enemies on the other hand...Yeah, we’ll get to that.

On the way up the ladder, a couple of hippie guys block Jerry’s path. I hope they’ve prepared their wills ahead of time.


Just like my ex-wife.

You don’t have a wife, you dolt.

Not anymore.

The Overrecycled aren’t difficult, but they are annoying to fight. The annoyance mostly come from their high dodge rates and heavy retaliations.

This attack is probably the most damaging move in Sewers: Part 2. Try not to encounter these guys much, as they’ll ruin Jerry’s poo poo if left unsupervised.

Pictured: Jerry Toraernos, Zombie Slayer.

It’s probably best to keep my HP up, since getting a Game Over would be too annoying at this point.

Oh, lovely.

With a few more whacks to the noggin, the other hippie gets his skull unceremoniously caved in by a completely stoned bounty hunter.

Level up!

I have Jerry down another Pumpkin Loaf, since his HP looks depressingly low at the moment.

There’s a Moldy cap in the box. It gives three defense, as opposed to the Black Helmet’s one defense, so it gets equipped immediately. Not sure why there’s a Moldy cap down here, but hey…

Or why a cap gives more defense than a helmet.

I continue walking this way.

And so Jerry Toraernos learned the ancient ways of moving through solid concrete.

Yeah, I accidentally discovered this little glitch. It doesn’t do anything but boost my self-esteem.

Jerry encounters this guy on the way out. Shame that it has a death wish...

That grin won’t last much longer.

Its howl does absolutely nothing. For an Eldritch Abomination, you aren’t very interesting.

PSI Magnet Alpha, on the other hand, sucks out Jerry’s PP (Psychic Points). In all honesty, I don’t really care, but you’re still stealing stuff from Jerry. And monsters that steal stuff from Jerry usually end up dead in a ditch somewhere.


Does Brainshock even do anything...? I can’t recall a moment in Earthbound in which this move has actually affected any of my party members.

The Earthbound equivalent of Splash.

And with a stomp of a bloody boot, Jerry Toraernos has vanquished the Evil Ecto to the depths of hell and beyond.

Almost at the end of Sewers: Part 2. Just gotta get past that entryway, and...


You get a disease, you get a disease, and YOU get a disease! Diseases for everyone!

Despite what the description may entail, the Preemptive Scavenger is probably the most pathetic enemy in this area.

That’s not nice. You’re mean.

It’s a bug. Nobody cares.

Jerry is unimpressed by the insect’s valiance.

I’m sure that’s an image we want to give all the kids out there.

And thus the puny, inferior being has been pulverized by our shiny armor and our pointy sticks. Take that inferior beings!

Earthbound OST - Save the Miners!

This is the last screen we’ll see of Sewers: Part 2.


I was right, Oscar is pretty pissed at you.


: “The earth and sky are tainted raw black. Trees burn crimson, and grass has been stained orange. The freezing air howls through the icy, endless night as you stand, shivering.

The cold pierces your eyelids as your senses dull and your head begins to throb. An immense feeling of dread overshadows you, tearing your brain apart at the stem.

This world is dead.”

: “Yet...your legs move yet forward, still propelled by some unknown force.

Jerry, monster hunter, demon slayer...In a land of horrors far more deadly than anything you’ve ever imagined...What do you expect to face?



: ”...”
: “...What have I been smoking…?”


A bit to the left, there’s an “enemy” of sorts...

Since the guy’s running away from me, I’m welcome to ambush him out of sheer spite.

Jesus Christ.

Say hi to the Desperate Survivor. I’m pretty sure this guy was the one who stood out most to me when I first played through the hack.

I think you’re supposed to feel guilty about killing him, but Survival of the Fittest and all that jazz.

And so Jerry Toraernos beat up a desperate old man for shits and giggles...Yeah...

So far, this ROMhack’s atmosphere is reminiscent of Fallout to me. At least, the later Fallouts, since I haven’t played the first three. I do own them, though. Maybe I should play them…

Yoink! Last ration heals for 40 HP. While it’s not nearly as good as a Pumpkin loaf, it’ll be good enough for this stretch of the game.

I continue down the path. Surprisingly enough, I haven’t bumped into any other enemies yet. Good thing too, ‘cause Jerry would’ve died a horrible, horrible, death.

This tent is pretty much the only reprieve of sanity in Winters.

The game doesn’t tell you, but the gravestone here is actually a save point. Nice of Radiation to allow us a breather.

Heading inside the tent…

: “Violent monsters and refugees everywhere. Altered landscapes...and the lake’s odd tides. Please be careful, something evil is going on.”
: “Gee...I wonder…”

: "...Perhaps some tea?"

Didn’t realize we stumbled into Britain. Next, the Queen’s going to offer us crumpets and fish and chips.

This guy gives us a breather and offers us a free spot to rest. Of course, we’re going to abuse his hospitality, mug a few dozen survivors, steal their rations, and grind a few levels.

This hack is happy.

A day in the life of Jerry Toraernos, Ladies and Goons...A day in the life...

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 04:37 on Dec 26, 2014

May 23, 2008

Well, uh... the gently caress?

I'm actually intrigued now by where the story's going to go next. The hacker did a good job making everything seem so hosed up and insane, in a good way it seems like.

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 5: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Decision
* - Or press the B button.

Jerry reaches level 9 offscreen. Indeed, all that tea and old man muggings have paid off in experience, cash, and calories.

At level 8, he learns Sleepstun Omega and Cleanse Beta. He also manages to crank out PSI Magnet Alpha and Timestop Omega at level 9.

I want PK Fire. Gimme PK Fire.

Well, nothing left for it. Let’s mosey this up, ladies and goons.

The trek here is about as straightforward and dreary as it was in Earthbound. However, unlike Earthbound, the area is littered with assholish enemies that can and will snap Jerry in half like a twig. Or viciously devour him from head to toe. Yeah, that seems more likely…

Maybe we’ll run into some nice Girl Scouts. I could use some Thin Mints.

Here’s Threatening Enemy #1: The Monster. Out of the two “enemies” in this area (the Desperate Survivor doesn’t count), The Monster is probably the more dangerous of the two. But when a hero goes out to save the world, one monster is no different from another, right…?

After all, he who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind. But he who... sticks out in darkness... is... fluorescent!

I’m sure less than 1% of the goons reading this will understand that reference, but I still like it.

Say hi to The Monster. It can tear off Jerry’s arm, bite his head off, burst his eardrums, and cause a whole lotta pain in general. Its attacks usually deal around the ballpark of 10-20 HP, and it has the highest HP out of the three enemies in this area.

We need Scooby Doo to unmask this monster.

Fun fact: The Monster was the enemy that slaughtered the Rosemaries at the beginning of the game.

And another one bites the dust. Geez... think about how much blood Jerry must have on him right now:

-Blood from the muggings of little children.
-His own wounds
-Blood from the Overrecycled
-Blood from the Sewers
-Blood from the Desperate Survivor
-Blood from The Monster
-Blood In, Blood Out
-Blood and Thunder
-Bloody Mary

Where’s that laundry bill again…?

Hey, isn’t this one of Ness’s “My Sanctuary” spots? It’s...just kinda laying around here. For no reason whatsoever. Maybe it’ symbol…? Of Winters spiral into insanity…? I don’t know, stop asking me!

Anyways, after a bit of trekking, Jerry finds a path across Tessie’s Lake. I think you can tell where we’re going to end up at, but I’ll keep my mouth shut for now.

Narnia, yes?


Wait...if this is the sanctuary spot…

...Then what’s this?

Here’s Threatening Enemy #2: The Remnants. It’s...actually relatively harmless. It has less HP than The Monster, and the only times it’ll actually attack is when the moon collides rear end-first with the Earth.

I’m not joking. Instead of zapping Jerry for 18 damage per turn, it’ll opt for uttering his name with a creepy undertone instead.

Jerry Toraernos is not impressed by its abilities to imitate a cheesy Halloween scare-a-thon.

The real question is how one chokes themselves to death with their own power. You black out when you’re choking for long enough, meaning you can’t actually strangle yourself to death with your own hands.

...Why yes, I am fun at parties.

Stonehenge has seen better days. Apparently, someone opened up the sprites in Microsoft Paint and filled it in with black coloring. Because black structures are clearly evil (and lazy), as are black kittens and black...goblins.

(That was an awful joke. I sincerely apologize.)

jesus christ, man

Gee, I’m so sorry.

No you ain’t. I heard a better apology from OJ.

A bit further down from Stonehenge, we arrive at our final destination. Gee, I wonder who’s responsible for this mindfuck catastrophe…

Kanyeezus, probably.

: “Jerry, just getting near the door is making your heart pound.

Reality is becoming an illusion. The sea and waves are out of sync, the world’s light has gone and hid. Only the dim, pulsating pain in your cold hands keeps you alive.

And...beyond this door is the greatest evil. The monsters you saw before were no doubt mere shadows to the one inside this metal coffin."

: "Let’s rock…”

The screen ripples outward, reminiscent of the Phase Distorter animation from Earthbound.

Here it is...the climax...where everything will be decided…

Teehee, you said “climax”.


: "..."
: “...What the hell?”

Apparently, Doc Andonut’s lab hasn’t been touched by the encroaching corruption. I suppose that’s a good sign?

Probably making meth.

Uh huh...

Trying to interact with anything in the lab will yield similar results. Likewise, attempting to exit the room will only put you back to the entrance. As I’ve said before, Points of No Return are a big theme in this game.


Woah there, Dr. Doom. Calm down. This ain’t English AP.

And this ain’t the Fantastic Four.

It ain’t John Constantine either, but you don’t hear me complaining. If you can’t slam with the best, then jam with the rest.

My head hurts.

So, the only thing left in the room is Doc.

: “Not as such, no. Look Doc, I only want an A to my Q. If you give them, fine. If you don’t...well...your laboratory might get a little...messy. And not in the good way, either.”

There’s a good kind of messy?

: “...And not only that… What? Who? My son? Oh… I… can’t… I can’t believe it…”

Dr. Andonuts has jumped straight off the rocker since this world’s version of Earthbound. And if you haven’t picked up on the context clues (i.e. Foreshadowing/Gameplay), he’s also the one who orchestrated all the mindfuck crap going on in Winters.

Is he making orange juice in those chemistry thingies.

I’m pretty sure it’s human tang, actually.

No one drinks Tang.

: “...Every being in Winters, every being on Earth- no- every being in the universe...I sent them back in time to perish. If I can’t be with them today, what have I lived for? My life is meaningless.”

: “They...there…….have you……….. -oh god, you’ve come here to kill me, haven’t you -AH I don Don’t d d-DON’T KILL ME”

: “...You. You’re the one...You’re the one who did all this...right?”

: “Yeah...this is what heroes do...Heroes are monsters...that kill other monsters…And you...You’re not human anymore...”
: “*gasp* *gasp*’s right, you’re going to kill me, your eyes are full of murder your your oh those EYES you’re it’s NO those eyes came back

hahahhh ha ha ha ha so you came back, WELL *gasp*..*gasp*..


: “It generates a metaphysical realm in the mind of the user….I call this realm “Magicant.” In it, are your greatest desires, your deepest dreams, and your utmost fears.”

: “The world is dead and...I’ve become senile with guilt and rage. Please...please let an old man rest in peace.”
: "..."

The conversation over, Dr. Andonuts particles’ get disintegrated into the far depths of the aforementioned machine.

Let’s do this.

It’s decision time.

: “There’s some sort of ebb inside of it, like the belly of a pregnant demon…

These similes are getting more and more ridiculous.

: “As you slide your frigid fingers across the warm, thumping machine...The sense of the monster is stronger than ever.

The monster’s pungent odor invades your nose and fills your lungs.”

...Dr. Andonuts doesn’t wash or use deodorant? Like the rest of us?

Uh, ew.

: “...And you can feel the knife in your pocket. It’s cold, and hungry. There’s a monster here, and you have to kill it.

Your legs want to move, move toward the monster.”

: "So what do you want to do? What do you, Jerry, devil killer, Giygas destroyer…"

I’m cutting the update here. We have two choices: Kill Andonuts or ____.* Bold your vote, and we’ll go from there.

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 05:05 on Dec 26, 2014

Aug 3, 2011

im beautiful


Mar 10, 2013

Remember what the actual title of the romhack is.

Mar 7, 2010

College Slice

Kill him

Nov 19, 2010

We do blank.


Variant_Eris posted:

After all, he who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blind. But he who... sticks out in darkness... is... fluorescent!

Lose. Fifty. Experience.

Apr 10, 2009

This hack is pretty hosed up, makes the end parts of the original game child's play in comparison.

Seems like there's only one option. What happens if we push B instead?

Mar 27, 2009

There's the Roy I know and love.

Make like Street Fighter and do Blanka to him

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Or Guile.

Snorb posted:

Lose. Fifty. Experience.

You know, I'm pretty sure if we tallied up all the times we made a bad joke, Jerry would lose at least 15 levels, give or take.

Dec 30, 2011

I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving
And something has got to give

Try not murdering for a change

Nov 2, 2014

Make like a banana and split.

...Wait, I can't vote, never mind.

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 6: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Gates of Death

Snorb posted:

We do blank.

Welp, there’s nothing left for it. Let’s delve into the depths of insanity and hope we come out of it in one piece.

Average anime, marginally overrated.

...Except that when we try to spare the old man, it loops us back to the choice again. Despite what the game may indicate, ___ is not an option.

Thus Jerry Toraernos lost the will to go on, doomed to make the the same choices forever and ever. His withered, soulless shell will litter the workshop of Andonuts for the rest of time, even as hell freezes over.

Or, y’know, he can just leave.

No, he can’t, remember? He can’t leave the laboratory without getting looped back at the entrance.

Is this Dexter’s Laboratory. I’ve been wondering this.

More along the lines of Dexter Morgan.

ArchWizard posted:

Make like Street Fighter and do Blanka to him

The hero of ugly men and ugly aliens everywhere.

So since when did the Hulk and Super Saiyan Goku have a lovechild?

I was thinking more along the lines of Cthulhu and some random buff cultist on steroids, but that works too.

Instead, we’ll go with Option A: Murder. Considering the psychological aspects of the game, as well as taking in the fact that it’s a JRPG, I’m sure there will be no repercussion to our actions.

That was sarcasm.

: “You hold the knife high and deftly sink it into the machine-"
: “-Parkour, bitch.”
: “The beating becomes faster and your heart begins to burn.

You stab it again. And again.”

: “...My spleen!”

How does a machine bleed. Bleeding oil I understand, but if it’s actually blood, then, whelp.

: “The machine is banging, banging, and yelling, yelling. The monster is trying to escape from his own coffin. You can hear crying from the inside of his little cage.

He’s screaming for help, for mercy…"

Oh, so we’re actually stabbing him through...solid metal. Riiiiight.

Exhibit C: creepy, sociopathic laughter.

: “You thrust the knife into the machine and and after a long scream...the beating stops.

Both your hands and face are blood red. You rip open the door to the machine and the monster slumps out onto the floor. He’s curled up into a ball, oddly rigid."

: “Ugh...that smells...did he piss himself in there…?”
: “The sound of metal clanking echoes deeply in the quiet lab. It’s perfect silence.

You have nowhere to go.

Your legs are gone.

Your arms are gone.

Your mind is gone

: “We need people like you to make decisions like that."

And thus Jerry Toraernos starved slowly, agonizingly, until there was nothing left but a pointy stick and a couple of bones.

Okay, I’ll have to admit, M. Night Shyamalan had better twist endings.


Now go back and make the correct choice.

Press the B Button, stupid!

Oct 18, 2008

Chapter DOOF

Welllllll then.

Maybe we should try pressing the B button?

May 23, 2008

Literally just noticed the hint in the banner right after reading that.

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 7: Magicant

Sometime in an alternate universe...

We Press the B Button.

: “What are you doing, throwing that knife away?

That’s the wrong choice. You’re making the wrong choice.”

: “Your legs aren’t lying to you! That knife doesn’t lie to you. Jerry, if you open that door, time and space will collapse. Inside that door is Magicant, HIS Magicant.

If you go in…Inside that door...STOP! DON’T OPEN THAT!




So now is the narrator against us? That’s not cool.

: “Screw you too, buddy. I’m gonna see how far this rabbit hole goes, and you’re not going to stop me.”

A flash of light brightens the screen, along with a Phase Distorter-ish sound effect. It’s time to DDR to the next section of the game, folks...

Earthbound OST - Magicant

Welcome to Andonut’s Magicant. Expect to see the place a lot, as it’s going to serve as the main hub from here to the end of the game. It also has the only shop we’ll be seeing regularly through our excursions in the LSD-addled mindscape.

We can’t stop here, this is bat country.

Namely, the building located south-east of our starting position. Welp, that was easy.

My mind is playing tricks on me with this geometric clusterfuck.

Apparently, the life of a bounty hunter isn’t very profitable. Come to think of it, how is he getting all that money in the first place? It’s not like he can access his account from here.

Next on Discovery Channel: The Life of a Bounty Hunter - Stupendous Profit or Deluded Loss?

We landed a man on the moon and you’re questioning how an ATM can work.

An ATM that works in the middle of someone’s mind. Uh huh...Sure...

The shop here has nothing of value at the moment. While we can stock up on Sky Nectars right now, it’s better to get them from the next dungeon.

The last time I bought Magic Taffy from someone, I woke up naked in a K-mart parking lot.

Wonderful. Thanks, I really needed that image in my head. What is with your obsession with manholes and K-mart parking lots...?


Anyways, time to explore Dr. Andonut’s mindscape. I’m sure none of us will be sent to a psychiatric ward by the end of the game.

: “How would you like it if I dissected YOU!?
: “A talking flower...It’s Thursday, isn’t it…? Between that crazy psychobabble scientist and this talking flower, I think I’m ready to throw in the towel...”

Andonut’s mindscape turns purple and morose after we talk to the flower. Since dissecting a flower is an incredibly evil act, right?

Flowers are people, too.

Right? Right? ...Right…?


: “Here you may stay peacefully forever...However, if you’re looking for an exit, you’re out of luck. Dr. Andonuts hides deep beyond here within the Sea of Eve, afraid of even his own mind.”
: “...Sure, whatever that means. How do I get to him?”
: “Before you approach him, you’ll have to recover his Courage. It’s forgotten in his mind, stowed away by his fear. Once you have his Courage, this blue maze will no longer be a dead end.”
: “It’s a gray maze. Not a blue maze. Gray. I think-”

: “...Fine, Just ignore me. Whatever.”

Imaginary Apple Kid fades into the Twilight Zone, much like Dr. Andonuts did back in his lab. I kinda wonder how they do that, but it’ll prolly be chalked up to some voodoo explanation like ‘a wizard did it’.

Probably got beamed back up into the Enterprise.

Plot Twist: Radiation’s Halloween Hack is secretly Star Trek in disguise.

: “Try not to get a bloody nose adding up numbers! Heheheh”


Hey man, I always get bloody noses trying to solve complex equations. Mostly from bashing my face into the wall over them, but still.

: “Be yourself”
What he said. The building over here is our next destination. However, unlike what Apple Kid implied, there’s actually three dungeons we have to go through before we can wrap up the rest of the game.

But screw that. Let’s explore the rest of the area first.

Oh goody, grinding. Bring on repressed memories of the Pit of 100 Trials from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door

So...we’re stealing some of Dr. Andonut’s intelligence? His brain matter? His cerebral cortex? Whatever part of his brain that Magicant exists in?

: “Where is the toilet anyways…?”

...The bushes?

: “Another good thing is… broccoli. Maybe.”

Get the hell out of town. Broccoli is the food of eldritch abominations and lawyers. Heck, if you like broccoli, then you’re either one of those, or you’re both of those.

There’s a difference between them?

...Lawyers are human?

Hahah, you’re funny.

: “That’s fate.”
: “Screw fate.”
: “But-”
: “Screw. Fate.”

: “ created a monster that could never hug!”

Andonut’s had a messed up childhood. I’m sure he envisioned ripping out Frosty’s arms and roasting them over a fire during an angsting period.

I remember nights at summer camp roasting sticks on a stick.

And so Jerry Toraernos learned the truth about Dr. Andonuts’ secret life as a porn-star. I’m sure this will have no repercussion on our sanity in the future.

This is worse than my manholes.

Or your K-marts?

Hey now.

He Died Doing the Right Thing.

Rest in pepperoni.

: “*squirt* *glorp* The pain of these cuts and sores is unbearable...I shouldn’t have stopped flossing for so long, this is pathetic.”
: "..."

Still better than wisdom teeth removal. poo poo’s painful, yo.

: “We’re all trapped reliving the same thoughts, day after day. Please! Save us! I’m...I’m doomed like this forever, doomed to always be opening the yogurt lid.
: “Deal with it. If all the other NPCs in the world can go a day without whining about how crappy their life is, I’m sure you can too.”

There’s a bunch of Flying Men in the house next to the gravestone, but they only talk about how good their tacos are so screw them.


Anyways, let’s hop to the next portion of the game. While it’s basically just one glorified slog-fest, the payoffs are totally worth it.

Earthbound OST - Dangerous Caves

You know...I was expecting something a bit more impressive, but I’ll take what I can get.

So here on in, this is blind for me, just so y’all know.

: “When they finish using the toilet, they never wash their hands.”

The horror! What will we ever do?

Curl up into a fetal position and cry.

: “It doesn’t have any words on it. So no, I can’t read.”
: “The picture on the door shows a red person wearing a dress. If you don’t cross-dress, you can’t come in!”

Yeah, I’m sure we needed that image in our heads. Jerry Toraernos: Cross Dresser of Doom, Bounty Hunter of the Worlds -Coming in a Netflix near you!

With Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka.

Adventure Time.

The screen fades to white...

It’s time for dungeon one. And by “dungeon” I mean “really big area filled to the chock with stationary enemies.”

This is...Onett?

No, this is Patrick.


The cropping on the ground next to the house down there is giving me a migraine.

Welcome to Corrupted Onett. It’s actually incredibly straightforward compared to the other dungeons we’ll be visiting in the the future. The only real difficulty lies in not getting a migraine from the irritating color palate.

Yeah, too late there.

Also, you see the guy following me? That’s just an oddity of the place -there’s no real significance to the NPC. Other than the fact that he can trap you if you’re not careful enough, it has no importance to the hack’s gameplay.

Yeah, I may or may not have gotten trapped by him right where that garbage can is. Also, I lied, everything from HERE on forward is blind.

Cucumber juice heals for around 6 HP. In other words, it’s completely useless. Dispose at will.

Pirkle here is the only one who’s not an NPC of sorts in the area. So, you know what that means…?

It’s time to go all America on his rear end, yo.

Send in the drones.

Earthbound OST - Buzz Buzz’s Prophecy

The Remember Me? is pathetically easy. One or two slaps with the rapier will reduce it to a crying wreckage, courtesy of Jerry Toraernos, Ph. D in assholery. But that’s not why we’re here…

Jerry seems to prey on innocent enemies more often than not. Between the Halloween kids and the Desperate Survivors, I’m not sure if we’re the good guys anymore…

Also, interesting note: apparently the Remember Me? is supposed to represent Buzz Buzz and the prophecy, but I’m not so sure about that. It’s rather cathartic to imagine we’re smashing in Pirkle’s face with an incredibly pointy sword.

Does this freak of nature look like Buzz Buzz to you?

This is actually what we came for. Sky Nectar heals for around 60 HP, and the Remember Me?’s always have a 100% chance of dropping one. Since there’s no point in squandering money on the shop, we’ll be coming back here from time to time to stock up.

There’s a hamburger in the trash can, but it’s completely overshadowed at this point. Compared to the Pumpkin loaves and Sky Nectars, the stuff is kiddy food.

I would say it could be a Happy Meal burger, but my rear end would probably get sued by McDonald’s so fast that-

….Whelp, drat.

We’re not attaining any profits from this venture. Therefore they can’t sue us.

I didn’t tell you about the merchandising deal?

Anyways, we want to exit north out of town. Our next destination is actually the hilltop next to Ness’s house.

The sign here is actually a hint as to what Corrupted Onett is a metaphor for. We’ll actually get to that in a few moments...but not yet.

Is it repressed memories of the Pit of 100 Trials from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door?

: “I’ve missed you so much...I even cooked a fresh batch of

Is that Tonya Harding.

Dunno. I just searched up ‘Crazy Woman’ on Google.

So it is. Splendid!

: “No…? Look lady, let go of me before I have to shank another Pirkle. I’m in no mood for any of this bullcrap. I just want to go home, get drunk, and start singing ‘Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows’ on the the Chaos Theatre stage. Let. Me. Go.”

Same dealie as the Hamburger -completely and utterly useless. Rinse and dispose.

: “I’m not quite sure what it’s used for. However, I have confidence that you’ll accomplish whatever it is you need it for.”
: “That sounded like a whole lot of technobabble and psychological crap to me...but hey, I’m not the doctor around here. I just want a good, hard, drink right now.”

And so we’ve arrived at the meteorite. I’m sure there won’t be a boss battle here. Since, you know, boss battles in an RPG? Ridiculosity.

Hells Bells. Jerry, when the screen goes dark, it’s not a good thing. Especially when you’re in a somewhat dramatic area with no music. That, right there, is just begging to get attacked.

: “...Did someone line the place up with glowsticks…?”
: “Some memory is forcing its way into your mind, ousting the subconscious realm of Onett. It’s something you’ve never known before.”


: “Do you hear a buzzing that sounds like a girl flying around?”

So now the narrator is on MDMA. Trippy.

: “No…? Why would a girl be buzzing, much less flying around? Unless it’s the chick that believes in espers, aliens, and time travelers. Crazy broad wouldn’t stop poking me with a stick and showing me all these weird symbols…”

I believe that you can actually hear the buzzing, but at this point I switch over to my second track and completely ruin the moment.

Suddenly, the meteorite kamehameha’s into the great yonder sky. Too bad that the flying girl just got vaporized now and the-

...The hell?

: “L...lately, you’ve been acting kind of...disinterested in me...Is there something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Honey… is there something you’re not telling me? Honey, please...You’re not hiding something from me, are you?”

“Mo-om, you’re embarrassing me!”

And so Jerry Toraernos will slay an innocent bystander for the good of mankind and puppies everywhere. In other words, this is…

JERRY TORAERNOS vs. NO (and its cohorts)


A bunch of screenshots ago posted:

And so Jerry Toraernos learned the truth about Dr. Andonuts’ secret life as a porn-star. I’m sure this will have no repercussion on our sanity in the future.

That’s what I meant.

I….what the gently caress.

Meet Halloween Hack Boss #1: NO. Other than the fact that it’s a blatant representation of Dr. Andonut’s homosexuality, there’s one other thing that’s special about the fight…

...Put aptly, you can run away from it. I’m not sure what that says about Jerry’s stance on homosexuality, but let’s not go there. It only brings up a lot of issues and internal conflicts that could otherwise be avoided.

You’re a wuss.

But, you know what? Screw that. We’re gonna murder the hell out of NO for the experience and money.

First order of business is to put them all to sleep with Sleepstun Omega. Since the NO trio is technically a ‘living’ enemy, they’re inherently weak to nap time.

Come to think of it, what does murdering Andonuts’ homosexuality have to do with attaining ‘courage’ anyway?

Probably something to do with hate crimes.

After that, it’s only a matter of waling on the sucker until it dies. Although the NO Trio is technically three enemies, defeating one vanquishes the other two.

This is JERRY TORAERNOS vs. NO (and its cohorts). Thank you and have a good night.

Level up!

Jerry | Offense: 1 | HP: 3 | PP: 2 | Learned Whiteshock Sigma | Learned Cleanse Gamma | Learned PSI Magnet Omega.

That bold was not me, for the record. It’s just Eris stealing my thunder.

Screen fades to white…

Earthbound OST - Eight Melodies

It looks like we’ve reached the end of Corrupted Onett. Welp, there’s nothing left for it. Let’s follow the trail to its conclusion…

: “Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.”

: “You know why, don’t you? Everyone can see it on your face. Your guilty face… your’re…

I’m sorry, was I talking to myself again? ...There wasn’t any zexonyte. I’ll...never lie again.

Jerry, you’re such a good person. Help me...I need courage…

I need...”

I’m pretty certain he’s referring to the death of his wife. Not so sure here.

Earthbound OST - The Power

: “...Listen! I am Courage.”
: “...Wait. So you’re a chick named ‘Courage’ or-”

Courage the Cowardly Dog, silly.

: “I’ve been called to help you fight the demons plaguing this old man’s mind. Your pilgrimage to the Sea of Eve draws ever closer...but! You are not ready yet.”

In other words, “finish the other two dungeons and we’ll talk.”

: “There are yet two more like them out! Do you understand?”
: “Yeah. Sure.”
: “...Jerry, you have done well this far… ...I wonder if… ...Dr. Andonuts...Are you just a self-conscious old fool…?”

Screen fades to white again...

Earthbound OST - Magicant

: "...?"
: <Turns around>
: “...Who are you…?”
: “I am Courage, the one you have summoned to do battle wi-”
: “-Yeah, I don’t care. More importantly…”

: “...You got any booze on you?”

And thus Jerry learns that the true evil is having a weak liver.

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 22:24 on Dec 4, 2014

Mar 7, 2010

College Slice

I was assuming that there would be just another ending, not a whole other chapter.

Mar 10, 2013

And now the real game begins!

But really, I always liked the Remember Me enemies and color palette aside, Onett was pretty neat as well. Apparently the idea behind the enemies there is that the monsters can no longer hurt you and the only thing that can cause you pain are memories of people you've forgotten.

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 8: Regret

It’s about time that we moseyed down north for a bit of grinding. Mom’s Level 8, so it would be prudent to grind her up to speed.

Oh, wait, she’s a companion? I’m slow.

Problem is, most enemies in the Magicant area can violently leave our party into tiny, bloody chunks. In hindsight, I suppose it would be easier to grind for levels in Corrupted Onett...but it’s faster this way.

Desire Dog is one of the more annoying enemies in the Magicant Area. Sporting a high evasion rate and HP, you’d have more luck trying to dig through concrete than hitting this doggy asshat. On top of that, its attacks mainly consist of spraying you with boogers and draining your HP. So even if you somehow backhand the sucker, it’ll probably recover a quarter of its HP next turn, making it that harder to kill.

On top of that, the Desire Dog can Tail Whip someone for 40-50 damage. If we came here later like we were supposed to, Scooby Doo here would’ve been a piece of cake to slam and jam...But not at this juncture.

That and he may scratch up your furniture. A heinous deed for a heinous fiend.

So how do we deal with the One Hundred and One Dalmations? The solution is simple: have Mom roast ‘em with Flame Alpha (PSI Fire Alpha). One bonfire later and dog is ready to be served as an appetizer.

Your Asian is showing.

Magic is how you deal with most enemies in the Magicant area. The only thing you really need to concern yourself with is keeping the party’s HP up. Other than that, the rest of the area is a breeze.

Huh, using MAGIC in an area called MAGICant. Who would've guessed.

And so Jerry Toraernos murdered Scooby-Doo and the Cthulhu Fanclub for shits, giggles, and profit.

The Hair Gel gets tossed to Paula, since she needs it more than Jerry at this point. Equipping it increases her defense by 4, bringing the total up to a measly 16.

Paula now:

: "Who are you? Aren’t you me?”
: “Do I look like a twelve-year old boy to you? I don’t think I look like a twelve-year old boy to me.”
: "I agree. You are more of the type to hurt someone and get boozed up every Friday night.”
: “...”
: “...Was that a compliment, or…?”
: “I am only stating my opinion.”

: “...Creepy kid.”
: "I know, right? Back when we traveled together, he didn’t utter a single word. All he did was make these squeaky noises and stare off in the distance.”

He’s a mouse. Gasp.

Magicant Road is a straight path to a dead end. However, there are a few items that are worth picking up.

The Cloak of kings is a piece of equipment for Jerry and OP. Considering that the cloak has two more points of defense than the Leather armor, it’s clear that Jerry will opt for his best Batman cosplay rather than practical safety.

He’s the hero Magicant deserves but not the one it needs.

Trick-or-Treat kid is probably the least threatening enemy in the area. I’d call it an act of karma due to the sheer amount of Halloween children we’ve hurt, but it won’t matter since the thing is about to get its face caved in.

Earthbound OST - Battle Against a Weak Opponent

Apparently, the Trick-or-Treat kid demorphed into a pumpkin-like abomination. Meet the Ghostkin. It can shoot bile and pumpkin seeds at someone. You can tell it to go gently caress off with a pointy sword.

He just wants a hug, though.

The pizza won’t be brought out until endgame. I can guarantee that at least.

On the way back, I grab the last box. Like the Cloak of kings, the sword is for Jerry and OP. Unlike the cloak however, the Sword of kings deals less damage than the Rapier, so it gets left in Mom’s inventory until OP can join the gang.

Original Poster?

Omnicidal Poser?

Omnipotent Pineapple?

Orangutan Peashooter?


Anyways...we’ll be right back after a commercial break/grinding/punching out Pirkle for Sky Nectars.

Jerry | Offense: 1 | Defense 1 | Guts: 1 | Vitality: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 11 | PP: 3

Mom | IQ: 1 | HP: 2 | PP: 10 | Learned PSI Shield Omega | Learned PSI Magnet Omega

After a lot of muggings and level ups later, I think we’re ready to go through door #2. It’s...different, to say the least.

Are you sure you want what’s behind door number 2?

(The bear on the left basically serves to railroad the player into completing Mom and Ban’s dungeon before letting them into OP’s dungeon.)

Earthbound OST - Save the Miners!

Welcome to Dungeon #2: The Cave of Many Flashbacks. It’s actually my favorite out of the three, as it provides a lot of exposition and insight into Dr. Andonuts’ psychological mindscape.


TIL Andonuts’ never had a happy Christmas.

Ban’s dungeon starts off incredibly straightforward. However, as we progress further into the flashbacks, and thus, the dungeon, branching paths begin to split from the main route.

Screen flashes to white…

Earthbound OST - Eight Melodies

Looks like we’ve just entered a flashback sequence. A lot of Dr. Andonuts’ resulting psych can be traced back to the few moments that we see in Ban/Jeff’s dungeon.

: “You barely say anything to barely interact with us...Don’t you realize what this is doing to our child? ...what would you do if I went away? I don’t...feel like you’d really be able to raise Ban on your own…

And right now… what about me? Why has it suddenly become so cold between us? What...why… what’s wrong with you?… even if I ask you…

… what am I expecting you to say!? You never say… you never say anything!! You just stand there, nodding your head like a robot…

S...sometimes I wonder.

...honey, do you really… love me? Do you really love… Ban?”

: “...I...Of… of course… Of course I do…


: "..."
: <Exits the room awkwardly>


Ribbon gets tossed over to Mom for a hefty +6 defense boost. The Hair Gel, in turn, is passed down to Jerry, giving him the powers of Alba Botanica to deal out his best Johnny Bravo impression.

Hey, I made that reference first.


I’m assuming that’s young Ban Andonuts’ down there. Might as well drop down to say hello. It’s not like he’s in emotional anguish or anything like that, right?


Jesus Christ, Jim Morrison would tell that kid to seek some rehab.

Exiting from the right leads us to the next portion of the dungeon. It peters out a bit from here, but nothing too drastic.

Both doors lead to a wide-open, Moonsidian landscape. However, if we backtrack through the door, we can find a new shiny toy for Jerry.

Entering the very well-furnished office nets us a Star Shield. It gives Jerry a measly +1 to defense, but it allows me to toss the Garbagecan lid over to Mom.

: “AHHHHH And I softly bit my lower lip.”
: "..."
: “...I have no idea what’s going on anymore.”
: “Do not fear. You are not alone in your endeavors of comprehension.”

Leaving the room gives us another flashback sequence of sorts. Other than the fact that it’s there, the game’s not really clear on what it is. I suppose it could represent Andonuts’ mentality at present, but your mileage may vary.






Hi! How are you?”

: “I'm alright. Just another day at the office…”
: “You can afford an office?”

The British or American version?

Yeah, we needed that image in our heads. Incarcerated inmates and their uppity asshat habits these days...Why back in my day, we used to…

: “I feel silly now. How’d they get on the ceiling, though?”
: "..."
: "..."

*insert completely obvious Dancing on the Ceiling reference*

The next room swaps out the gray palette for purple/evil wallpaper. Considering that we’ve gone a couple of paces without being interrupted by an enemy, I sense that a disturbance in the Force may be approaching us soon...

: “Look man, I just fought the core representation of homosexuality a few hours ago. I’ll be surprised if anything fazes me at this point.”

I suppose it’s a good time to kick down the door to Ban’s ‘My Sanctuary Spot’. Hopefully Dr.Andonuts’ can cover enough booty to repair the damages we’ll be making.

Earthbound OST - Home Sweet Home

...Huh. That was a bit anti-climatic. I was kinda expecting a lot of screaming and/or blood on the walls.

We think you need help.

: “I just can’t stand this any longer.

I’m leaving. You heard me, right?! I’m taking Ban and leaving. I just want him to be able to grow up into a thoughtful, strong boy...What kind of influence does a barely-present father have on his child? It’s… it’s not worth it to me.

...I wish you weren’t… so… You’re always… too wrapped up in your work to spend time with us.

No… not your work… not JUST your work… What is it!? Why won’t you tell me anything!?


*sniff** *sniff* Please… what happened to you?”

Talking to her flips an event switch of sorts. However, in order to witness the change, we have to exit the room first.

But before that...let’s heal up. It wouldn’t do to challenge the dungeon-boss at anything less than perfection, right?

I think I saw this thing at IKEA.

: “Then, everybody will understand all the pain I went through. When everyone understands me...They’ll cherish me so. Hahaha… don’t you see how immortal I am now?”

Screw this, on to the dungeon boss!

Earthbound OST - Your Sanctuary

Exiting the room again teleports us to a Cultist shrine thingy/climatic battle room. At this point, we have two options: A and B. Option A is to leave the room, which will teleport us back to the beginning of the dungeon. Option B, on the other hand, is to duke it out with Boss man on the alter.

We’re going with Option B.

: “...Senile old duck…I’m your son, Ban. I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen me, and…, dad, I don’t really want a donut.

...Dad, I have to go south. A girl named Mom keeps appearing in my dreams. She keeps telling me that south is my destiny. I know it sounds ridiculous now, and that I might still wet the bed, but this is what I have to do.

So…Will you help me?”

: “...Is he talking to himself?”
: "Indeed he is. However, I must implore you to keep your silence. Dr. Andonuts’ is having a flashback moment.”
: “...! Yes! Thank you! I knew I could count on you…

(I’ll see you again in another 10 years… what’s that supposed to mean? Am I just supposed to say goodbye like this!? In that case...)


Radiation’s Halloween Hack OST - Technoboss

And so Jerry Toraernos will defeat a future party member for the good of mankind and puppies everywhere. In other words, this is…



Meet Halloween Hack Boss #2: Dearkheart. Despite being a neat boss that represents Dr. Andonuts’ deepest regrets, the thing’s basically a Shadow from Kingdom Hearts. Take that as you will.

First order of business is to cast PSI Shield Omega. Although Dearkheart will stick mainly to physical attacks, it can pull a Freeze Alpha out of its rear end from time to time. At this point, Freeze can kill Mom downright and put Jerry into critical, so it would be wise to have some form of shielding up.

Dearkheart’s main physical attack is to puncture the party’s lungs for 27-30 HP a piece. If you didn’t train Mom up like I did, it’s best to put her on support.

You’d think an open wound and collapsed lung would be a little bit more damage than 30 hp.

It’s fine. The game's an RPG, so it works on anime physics.

In the case that everyone is out of danger and Dearkheart tries to swing, it’s best to start wrecking his day with Freeze Alpha.

So with enough planning and a bit of luck, Dearkheart’s day gets ruined with little to no trouble. Jerry Toraernos: Ace Psychologist. Kicking the poo poo out of consolidated regrets since the beginning of time.

Like Ace Attorney, but without the wacky sitcom style.

This is JERRY TORAERNOS (and Mom) vs. DEARKHEART. Thank you and have a good night.

Screen fades to white…

Earthbound OST - Eight Melodies

Alright, let’s get this over with. Microphone’s over to you, Doc. What do you have to say about your mental instability now?

: “Happy...I knew I wouldn’t be able to raise him by myself. I wouldn’t want him to turn into a shameful monster like me. So I sent him away to boarding school. Now he’s not a monster. He’s almost a hero. I feel that if I help him to do what he wants most, even if it’s something ridiculous...If he accomplishes that, I’ll turn back into a normal person. I won’t be a monster anymore.

Y...yes. I’ll be able to laugh, and shout, and speak...I won’t need to hide from myself anymore. If I can complete the Phase Distorter, then...Then…

But what will happen to me if I fail? I’m still so scared.

Help me...I need courage… I need…”

Earthbound OST - The Power

: “...Listen! I am Courage. I love my dad… er, Dr. Andonuts. However, it’s saddening what he’s done to himself. It’s true that my dad has never really been great at communicating…”
: “Yeah, making monsters don’t exactly put you in the ‘approachable’ category, pal.”
: “But I never thought he would lock himself in his own mind. Jerry! Let’s go find OP and save my dad!”
: “...Sure. Welcome aboard, comrade.”
: “...Just one question, though...How can someone make a time machine if they don’t understand time travel?”
: “Hell if I know. But more importantly…”

: “...Got any booze on you?”

Variant_Eris fucked around with this message at 22:28 on Dec 4, 2014

Mar 7, 2010

College Slice

Variant_Eris posted:

Apparently, the Trick-or-Treat kid demorphed into a pumpkin-like abomination. Meet the Ghostkin. It can shoot bile and pumpkin seeds at someone. You can tell it to go gently caress off with a pointy sword.

You are aware you can say gently caress, right?

Also I kept reading "Ban" as "Ben" for the longest time. Totally forgot about my name suggestion.

EDIT: Also got confused with the "OP" for "Poo".

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Hitlers Gay Secret posted:

You are aware you can say gently caress, right?

Also I kept reading "Ban" as "Ben" for the longest time. Totally forgot about my name suggestion.

'Gently caress' sounded better at the time, so I used that. And I totally wasn't mistyping Jeff every time Ban was mentioned.

Nov 2, 2014

Hitlers Gay Secret posted:

You are aware you can say gently caress, right?
If I were in charge, I would have fixed this, because someone cares about decency and cleanliness.

Nov 2, 2014

Exhibition C: Colgate white smile

Part 9: Guilt

First thing we should do is shove Jerry’s hand-me-downs into Ban’s possessions. Considering that he’s level 8 and has crap defense, it’s agreed that he probably needs that Moldy cap. Normally I would grind him up to speed...but the next dungeon will take care of that for me.

Second thing on the list is to go rambo in Corrupted Onett’s near vicinity.

One rampage later, and we’ve fully stocked everyone up on Sky Nectars. Shame about the blood though. Is it even blood, considering that we’re in a metaphysical world?

It’s obviously metaphysical blood.

Now that we’ve completed Dr. Andonuts and Ban’s Excellent Adventure, the bear blocking OP’s dungeon has gone off to get drunk...or whatever bears do in their spare time. Next time, on Nature: Do Bears Play Poker in their Spare Time?

They tend to sucker punch kings named Graham.

Well, I suppose it’s time to Matrix the hell out of the next dungeon. It’s not as emotionally traumatizing as Ban’s dungeon... but it’s something all right.


: “(Here you can witness the breathtaking sights of all the people Dr. Andonuts mercilessly slaughtered!)

(That loveable bastard! Isn’t he just a hoot?)”

Why is the sign speaking to me.

: “(He met his fate at the twisted hand of Dr. Andonuts.)”

You know, fire and knives make for a prettier spectacle than choking someone to death. The red vividness of life water...the sheen of a dagger…the shrieks of a-

We still think you need help.

Gus, don’t be an incorrigible Eskimo pie with a caramel ribbon.

...I give up.

: “(Dr. Andonuts mercilessly discarded her soul.)
: “...Sweet?”
: “This is unnerving. Let us move on.”

: “(His life expired with Dr. Andonut’s blessing.)”

It was Dr. Andonuts with the Poisoned Donut in the Study.


ha Ha ha hAh AHahaAH…*sniff* *sniff*”

Looks like the poor old Doc actually did care about his wife to an extent. Well, I suppose it’s too late to apologize. Dead (wo)men hear no tales, after all....

: “(The most economic way to kill people in a humane fashion is thusly:)

(First, convince them and yourself that it’s necessary to turn them into robots to save the world.)

(Then, send them back into the past to combat an alien menace.)

(After a long, hard battle, they will realize that they are trapped forever.)

(Good job!)”

It was Dr. Andonuts with the Phase Distorter in Saturn Valley.

I’m thoroughly confused.

: “a)

(Who is Jerry?)
(Why is he here?)
(What does Jerry taste like?)

: “Someone whom you do not want to eat.”
: “Like a braised slice of drunk chicken.”
: “Like the souls of the living.”

Like Mike.

: “I’m...I even surprise myself! Haha!”

And so Dr. Andonuts has been revealed to have tortured small animals during his childhood. Preferably with a lighter and a tiny bottle rocket, though a pocket knife did the job as well.

Stop describing yourself like that.

Upstairs is where the intro ends and the dungeon begins. In all honesty, OP’s schtick is nothing special, but a lot of the psychological elements are worth talking about. Well, let’s Peter Pan through the rest of the thing, shall we?

: “Don’t you wanna know how we do things behind the scenes? How DO we kill so many people? Well, it’s easy! Come back here, behind the scenes! We’ve got all kinds of things to show you! Right this way, ladies and gentlemen! Find out what makes Dr. Andonuts so amazing!”

You heard the man. Let’s get started. And by “Let’s get started”, I really mean “Let’s begin mauling everything that gets in our way”.

Earthbound OST - Belch’s Factory

Welcome to Belch’s Factory w/o the PukeTM. Compared to its counterpart from Earthbound, it’s a warm renovation to the otherwise unsanitary dungeon. At least we don’t have to worry about getting puked on this time.

Do they have Oxyclean in the Earthbound-verse…?


Okay, calm down...

: “I’m going to die. We’re all going to die.”

And so Ban Andonuts learned of the homicidal genes that run inside his family. I suppose that’s one way to ruin someone’s day.

Looks like we have a branching path here. Like in Belch’s Factory, going down the ladder leads us to the dungeon boss.

But you know what? Screw that. No goodie gets left behind.

Oh joy, more Hawaiian pizzas.

Gold Watch gets equipped on Ban’s Arm, totaling his defense from 17 to 22.

...How? it’s an inch-wide strip of plastic or weak metal.

On the way out, the party gets accosted by Mel Brooks’ Dracula. I suppose it’s time to bring out the stake and holy cross.

Earthbound OST - Heartless Hotel

Vladula is probably the most dangerous enemy we’ll see in OP’s dungeon. Sporting a high HP and attack, the monstrosity can ruin Mom and Ban’s day with little to no trouble. And if it chooses to mix in a Freeze Alpha here and there, you can say goodbye to Jerry as well.

However, the Vladula has one weakness: it always starts off battle asleep. In that sense it’s only a matter of caving in the bat’s face until it succumbs to earthly death.

And with Mom’s near demise, the Vladula has been vanquished into the night Castlevania-style.

No, no, I’m pretty sure she dead.

If an ally dies when combat ends, their HP scrolls back to 1.

I know that, you dingus.

Apparently, Jerry is too cool to climb down ladders properly. Either that, or Radiation was too lazy to hack in the sprites.

On another note, let’s viciously assault the zombie/monster here.

Say hi to the Uberhaunt. The swapped color-palette monstrosity is basically an upgraded version of its cheery snow-flinging pals up near Winters. It can put the party to sleep, rip apart their innards, and set them on fire.

Solution: Turn it into ice cream. Lightning Alpha (Thunder) would be more effective, but apparently the game refuses to strike gold and go home big money.

Couldn’t the lightning just break through the roof.

That’s much too logical to matter.

I’m not sure how I feel about looting foodstuff from the body of a half-decayed zombie -but hey, why not? What’s the worst that could happen?

It’s how you survive the first three nights in Minecraft.

From here, we’ll take a detour down another ladder. There’s a lot do near the conveyer belt/manufacturing plant, but we’ll get to that later.

Along the way, I beat the crap out of another Vladula. Mom and Ban level up as a result.

Mom | IQ: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 1 | PP: 5

Ban | IQ: 1 | HP: 1

...I think you can guess who these are for. They give Ban a +7 defense boost, bringing its total from 22 to 29.

Can I steal his lunch money?

I doubt you’d be able to.

We get another Hawaiian pizza here because we can’t get enough Hawaiian pizzas.

I’ve noticed.

Anyways, let’s take the trolley downtown for now. Things are about to get a little...funky around here…

They’re deporting Ban and his mother out of the country!? Those bastards!

Just whip out your green cards.

Given that they’re replacing the Honey Fly Jars from Belch’s Factory, I’m not surprised that they aren’t responding. Nothing a good, hot cup of coffee couldn’t fix.

: “What are you going to do? Bleed on me?”

Apparently, Belch’s Factory w/o the PukeTM is home to crazy people and homicidal maniacs alike. Nice to know that there’s some kind of consistency to Bizarro World, not that it’s much comfort in the first place.

Those are Mister Saturns, you racist.

...Misters Saturn?

Mr. Mars.

: “Busy eating. Dr. Andonuts? Who thinks about him!?”
: “If I may...considering you are a figment of da- I mean, Dr. Andonuts’ conscience, it is concluded that he thinks about himself...a lot.”

: “...”


She’s twelve, you disgusting bastard.


Continuing down the path, we eventually bump into another ladder. We actually want to go up it, as the area holds a bunch of items that might be useful.

: “...Of course I would! I’m Dr. Andonuts!”

And then living fire starts beating the hell out of us. Hey, if the walking dead can come to life, so can fire. And considering that this is a figment of Dr. Andonuts imagination, you shouldn’t be complaining anyways.

I suppose it’s time to duke it out with....whatever that is. The Psycho Psource/Missingno. reject is the most harmless enemy in the dungeon. Other than kicking someone in the shins for 40+ damage, it’ll try to fry someone with Lightning Alpha. But, you know…

I dunno, man, it looks pretty Pstrange and Psavage.

… I have a feeling that Psycho Psource ain’t murdering anyone anytime soon.

Not bad for a day’s work. Forty-One experience is enough to buy us a sandwich and a Mars Bars, but not enough for the stuff we’re going to get in a moment.

What kind of universe is this where EXP is currency? Unless you count being able to buy respect in Saints Row, but if you do that, you suck and I hate you.

The Caledfwich is a weapon for Jerry. It increases his attack by a measly two points, but since it’s a worthwhile investment, I dump the Rapier on the side of the road and call it quits.

Caled-f-wich? Caled-fwich? Help.

Wikipedia posted:

Excalibur or Caliburn is the legendary sword of King Arthur, sometimes attributed with magical powers or associated with the rightful sovereignty of Great Britain. Sometimes Excalibur and the Sword in the Stone (the proof of Arthur's lineage) are said to be the same weapon, but in most versions they are considered separate. The sword was associated with the Arthurian legend very early. In Welsh, the sword is called Caledfwlch; in Cornish, the sword is called Calesvol; in Breton, the sword is called Kaledvoulc'h; in Latin, the sword is called Caliburnus.

Shut up.

Vital Capsule is kinda meh at this point. It gets force fed to Mom, since she’s the squishy spellslinger of the party.

I really want a random text bubble to pop up that says something like “Mom has dysentery.”

Ladies and Goons, we have reached Utopia. The bastion of magnificence here is Jerry’s best armor for the rest of the game. While it doesn’t offer any improvements in defense, it does come with a lifetime warranty of protection against paralysis and fire.

So now Jerry will be the one starting the fire instead of ending the fire. Mwahahahahahahahahaha…

Relevant song of the sentence

The room down here contains a magic butterfly for you to abuse. It’s basically there if you need a break.

Along the way, I beat up another Psycho Psource.

Jerry | Offense: 1 | Speed: 1 | Guts: 1 | Luck: 3 | HP: 3 | Learned Whiteshock Gamma | Learned Cleanse Omega | Learned Barrier Alpha

I think that was the most successful level up we’ve had so far. Also, Barrier is totally not PSI Shield under a pseudonym.

It looks like we’ve reached the final area. It’s a bit...bloody, to say the least. Overcompensating a bit, doc?

It’s all of the spilled sauce from the Hawaiian pizzas. I’m a doctor, I know this stuff.

: “It’s a machine made out of bad memories. Just like us. Okay, it’s not really that new.”


The next room has a Revitalization device and a save point. Since the party has a few wounds, we’re free to progress after a quick heal and save.

Well, I suppose it’s boss time. Nothing like the past, nothing like the future…

Earthbound OST - The Cliff that Time Forgot

It looks like we’ve ended up in a crazy version of Earthbound’s final dungeon. I think you can guess where we’re going, but let’s jam anyways.


Earthbound OST - Your Sanctuary

: “I was completely ecstatic. This was going to be me. I would have done something helpful. Something immensely helpful. I would finally be able to prove my worth to the world… to my son… To… my wife.

...yes, I was excited beyond belief. But I was also very scared.


Nobody had ever attempted time travel before. There were things nobody could have foreseen."

: “Yeah, it would be bad if things ended up like Back to the Future or A Sound of Thunder.”

: “Lifeforms are demolished in the time-travel process. I would have to…

...I would… I had to turn my son into a robot. I had to turn his friends into robots.

...There was something chilling about opening them up with a scalpel.

: “You did what!?

Relevant song of the sentence

: “Perhaps a bit of caution would be advised next time.”
: “They have the same flesh and bones as me. They have the same blood, the same heart...You know…

...I’m not even a real doctor. Just...somehow I managed to finish operating on them."

That’s...pretty impressive, especially when you let that sink in for a moment. I mean, building an entire time machine without any sort of scientific knowledge?

: “Then they stepped into the Phase Distorter. Their will to save the world was absolute. They were going to fight the greatest evil. For some reason they were less afraid than I was. At the time, I didn’t know why I was so scared.

Now I know why.

That machine was a death trap.”

Radiation’s Halloween Hack OST - Technoboss

And so Jerry Toraernos will defeat a future party member for the good of mankind and puppies everywhere. In other words, this is…



The Phaze Destrortur is, by far, the hardest of the three dungeon bosses. It can shoot out Lightning Alpha for heavy damage, assault the entire party for heavy damage, and maul someone for heavy heavy damage.

Relevant song for the entire LP

...Why yes, I do, like Suicidal Tendencies. How did you know?

First order of business is to cast PSI Shield Zeta. I suppose you it would’ve been easier to buy anti-lightning equipment from the shop... but I’m too lazy to backtrack.

Next thing you’ll notice is that the Lovecraftian abomination has a shield that deflects physical attacks. It’s probably better that you stick to magic in this fight. Sleepstun, especially, has a chance of putting down the Phaze Destrortur for a couple of turns.

And here is where I stop commenting until the end of the battle, probably.

Really, the entire boss fight is basically one big war of attrition. As long as you keep your shields and HP up, you’ll be able to straggle your way through the fight. Lightning Alpha in particular, can heap 100 damage per turn if it hits.

Parkour, bitch.

Never mind, we skipped ahead 30 minutes.

More like 5 minutes.

This is JERRY TORAERNOS (and his cohorts) vs. THE PHAZE DESTRORTUR. Thank you and have a good night.

Level up!

Ban | Speed: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 1

Earthbound OST - The Cliff that Time Forgot

And that’s the last of the three dungeons. Time to see the Andonuts’ Paris Collection, I suppose.

Fade to white…

The Andonuts’ Paris Collection isn’t pretty, as one would say.

: “Hours later, Giygas’s henchmen stopped showing up. Giygas was dead. But where were they? Why didn’t they come back?

To my horror, I realized that the method I used to send them to the past…

… would not work in order to send them to the future. Years ago, they were already stranded in the past. Years ago, they already died.

I killed them.

I killed my only son.

I killed my son’s friends.

… there’s not enough Zexonyte left for another time machine…

And I had never done anything right in my entire life. I spent all my time preoccupied with stupid projects like Dungeon Man...I tried to turn boiled eggs back into raw eggs...I even created an instant revitalizing device…It sounds like it could be useful, but it costs too much to be mass-produced...I have an utterly impentrable capsule, but you can never get out of it…”

In Mother 3, the device is mass-produced, and the impenetrable capsule gets used at one point.

: “I’ve only created useless things. Things that crash and burn. If you ask me to follow your dreams, you’ll die. And if you don’t die, you’ll get caught in some palm trees. What’s the point of living in a world like that!?

After I realized that I had slain them, I became overcome with grief.

I...I created an army of monsters and set them loose.

Anything interesting or important in this world...I’ve already unceremoniously destroyed it. Now I wait here, hiding in the Sea of Eve. I’m becoming warped.

Every moment I wait here, Magicant pulls me in...Look around. What is this!?”

poo poo, I should have brought popcorn.

: “I’m scared of it. Help me...I need courage...I need…”

Earthbound OST - The Power

: “...Listen! I am Courage.”
: “Yeah, I got the memo twice. Are you going to join my party or what?”
: “...In a moment.”
: “When we defeated Giygas, the future split in twain. In one future, Giygas has always been defeated, because we defeated him in the past. In the other future, Giygas’s defeat is new.

Giygas’s technology allowed him to invade every time and space simultaneously. This includes even the ones he was already defeated in. When we destroyed Giygas, our souls sought out our bodies...But we returned to the new future we had created, not the old one we were sent from."

: “Uh...huh…?”

In a nutshell, Op is basically saying that the universe split in two when they defeated Giygas: one new and one old. The Chosen Four’s souls went to their bodies in the new universe, while in the old universe, everyone wrote them off as dead.

Yes, yes, okay, I don’t understand at all, but okay.

: “Dr. Andonuts waited forever for us to return, but it’s impossible. The world’s Zexonyte supply is exhausted. We’re alive, but does it really matter in this universe? All we can do now is stop this old man from going insane.

Jerry, now!”

: “Buh?”
: “To the Sea of Eve!”

Well, you heard the man -it’s time to end this.


Mar 10, 2013

Man, the hack is a lot shorter than I remember.

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