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Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Aladdin

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Barnaby Profane
Feb 23, 2012



In with The Steadfast Tin Soldier.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


crabrock posted:

chit me with chor best chot

One-Eye, Two Eyes, and Three Eyes.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Entenzahn posted:

in with peter pan

Novel. Not a Fairy Tale.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

Did you FAIL THUNDERDOME Entenzahn? Don't worry, here's an example on how to write!

but it's the disney fairy tale version

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

Did you FAIL THUNDERDOME Entenzahn? Don't worry, here's an example on how to write!

ok fine then just give me something

A Classy Ghost
Jul 21, 2003

this wine has a fantastic booquet


In, I'd like a tale assigned.

HopperUK
Apr 29, 2007

Clear off, fatso, this is a respectable establishment





Fallen Rib

In, I'll take Sleeping Beauty.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I goddamn love fairy tales. I'm in. Hit me.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


Hey Neth, since Fanky allready did a week about folk tales, will you be making a distinction between folk and fairy tales, or would they be kosher?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Benny the Snake posted:

folk tales
fairy tales


Your answer is hidden within your question

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Entenzahn posted:

ok fine then just give me something

Thumbelina.

A Classy Ghost posted:

In, I'd like a tale assigned.

The Bremen Town Musicians.

Tyrannosaurus posted:

I goddamn love fairy tales. I'm in. Hit me.

The Princess and the Pea.

Nethilia fucked around with this message at Jan 28, 2015 around 17:20

Maugrim
Feb 16, 2011

I eat your face



Line crit for SadisTech's Black Metal Week story. Sorry these are taking so long, everyone.

SadisTech posted:

Prompt: The Miasma and the Leprosy
Flash: Arithmetical Incontinence

Svarngrim the Reaver

In the foul depths of winter, when darkness ruled daylight, and sea-spray ice-coated the Thane-hold's great door, Whoa you're really piling on the compound words in this opening paragraph. I get that you're going for a lyrical, epic feel but it's too much. the mist came a-creeping. A-creeping in particular sounds dumb, like you're telling a nursery story to your kid. Thick-stinking and silver, it coiled through the village, and animals fled to avoid its cold touch. It took me till this point to realise that all the weirdness was to get a steady rhythm. OK - starting again. Did you consider presenting this in verse form?

Svarngrim the Reaver, many kills to his glory, stood proud-shouldered, gaunt in his dire-bear furs, and stared up the mountain. Mist rolled down upon him. He knew it uncanny. No, I'm sorry, this isn't quite working for me. As much as I love a strict rhythm "He knew it uncanny" is just nonsense. Find better ways of maintaining your metre. Though fear did not touch him, disquiet rose within.

Three nights fell the fog, and the youngest, the oldest, had the the taint of the mist graven into their skin. A fever, a weakness, and silver-scaled peeling. Nails sloughed from their fingers and blood wept from their gums.

Svarngrims-son Jutan had counted twelve summers. Strong-limbed and handsome, now shuddering sick. He called for his father: "The mountain cries to me. It whispers of knowledge that men should not know.

"Your shield on the wall? The handspans across it would encircle its rim an accounting of three; and then one part of ten, and four of one hundred, and one of one thousand and the numbers go on; they go on forever and keep getting smaller and they burn in my mind like the mountain at dawn." This part is pretty cool and kept me reading, although I didn't realise you were describing pi until the second run through. Nice.

And Svarngrims-son Jutan tore his face with his fingers, and the tearing of soft-silver skin only stopped when his father released him. There was almost no blood. The boy's strong-limbed body was hollowed and husk-like; and so Svarngrim's soul. Again, I didn't realise this meant Svarngrim killed his son until the second read through. "Released" is a bit too euphemistic.

The mist-stricken villagers writhed and spoke numbers; they screamed of the angles of doors and of stars. They counted the reeds in the roof and the matting, excellent image and numbers flowed from them like piss at a straw-death. not sure what a straw-death is or why piss is involved though Their bodies decayed as their minds caught aflame.

And always the pull to the mountain within them.

Donned Svarngrim his doom-armour, blackened and bristling. Donned he his great cape of dire-bear fur. Donned he his corpse-paint, sign of a dead man, a warrior lost to the warm halls of life. He took up his shield with the sigil of Wotan, and took up his great-axe, reaper of men. This is pretty metal

To the mountain came Svarngrim, skin growing silver beneath the stark corpse-paint smeared on his face. Climbed he the slopes where the foul mist came rolling, leaping the chasms with uncaring ease.Watch your subject - the last part of this sentence is talking about the mist but I don't think it's meant to be

The numbers plucked at him, frothing and hissing. Found they no purchase on icy resolve. Bad and awkward Waves of equations came tumbling and crashing, This pulled me out of the story. "Equations" have no place in a Vikingesque epic, I feel like the narrator shouldn't have a clue what they are. only to break upon his steadfast shores.

Svarngrim the Reaver came climbing the mountain, only death in his heart, only death in his mind.

'Neath the peak of the mountain a cave stood in waiting. The plague-mist came trickling in gouts from its mouth. A fish-belly glow shone within the dank tunnel; Svarngrim readied his weapons and bellowed his rage. Using "he" instead of "Svarngrim" here works fine and maintains the rhythm better

The challenge was answered in crystalline echo. The source of the mist stood revealed in the cave. A larval-white body, pulsating and throbbing, and jetting forth spray in a manner most vile. Around it, attendants of spidery glass-stuff, ticking and clicking and stroking its bulk. It wouldn't go amiss if you slipped in a rhyme or two here and there. Reading this paragraph I stumbled a bit on "vile" and "bulk"

From the ringing of echoes an eldritch voice sounded: "Mighty Svarngrim, we pray that you hold your axe fast; we offer you wonders and give you forever. Do not act in haste until you understand."

Then the Reaver reeled back at the highest of horrors; voice of Svarngrims-son Jutan came forth from the mound. Spoke the pulsating worm: "They have caught me within.

"Their web of cold numbers entangles my spirit. A world built of figures and smoke and no more. And they tell me that I shall live in here forever.

"LAY THEM WASTE, FATHER. SEE THEM ALL BURN."
Hey, Jutan is pretty metal too

And Svarngrim leapt forward and the great-axe was singing, and the Reaver was chanting a song of his death, his voice hoarse and rumbling as he cried of destruction, and the spider-things shattered before his great wrath. Their razor-legs cut him and pierced him; but bloodless was Svarngrim, and hollow his flesh.

"Why cleave to this world?" chimed the great pulsing creature. "We bring you forever in order and grace, yet you choose death and ignorance, darkness and squalor. The strongest man, Svarngrim, in this pitiful world -

"But the biggest maggot in a vast rotting carcass. We would set you free and enlighten your mind."


Upon it spat Svarngrim. Raised he his great-axe, holding it high. His death, creeping into the edge of his vision; one perfect blow lying coiled in his heart.

"Order and grace are creations of weakness. Free? I am free by my own force of will. Your knowledge is worthless. The darkness will have you, fight it or no; embrace it and own it and welcome your end."

Howled down the great-axe. Screaming, the creature. No, both these sentences are awkward - it's a shame this is your ending Laughing fell Svarngrim into the night.

HIT PROMPT? Yes (The Miasma And The Leprosy)
WORD COUNT? Yes
RANGE OF EMOTIONS? Not really
FLASH RULE? Hit (Arithmetical incontinence)

Overall thoughts: You hit the prompt and did a great job with the weird flash rule. You told a story and it was suitably metal. I'm a sucker for the lyrical epic style and I'm glad you made the attempt, BUT... even with a ton of forced phrasing, it still managed to suffer from some stumbles of rhythm. There were awesome passages and dreadful passages. I also kinda wanted to know what happened to the villagers at the end - I think it might have benefited the story to use some of your 210 remaining words in a short epilogue. This might also have helped you hit the "range of emotions" rule, which I wasn't really feeling otherwise.

ExtraNoise
Apr 11, 2007



I'm in. Ala Baba and the Forty Thieves, if possible.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


curlingiron posted:

Ok, I'm in, hit me.
And The Days Go By
835 words

Maria had not expected to see herself when she opened the door, but there she was, breezing right past her and into the house. †Good work on the intro. †It immediately settles us in to a surreal universe as per the prompt

“We need to talk,” her doppelganger said, heading for the kitchen table where she sat down with an authoritative air. Maria followed, pulling a seat out for herself and sitting tentatively.

“I’m sorry, but… What’s going on?”

“Come on, Maria, don’t be stupid,” her other self said, glaring fiercely in a way that Maria vaguely remembered once seeing in the mirror. reinforcing that this is indeed herself in a subtle way, good job “You’re miserable, and I’m tired of it. It’s time to get out.”

“What? Get out of what?”

“This!” the other her gestured around herself angrily. “The misery, the lying, the trappings of a life you never wanted! What on earth have you been thinking this whole time? Did you really manage to convince yourself that you were happy?”

Maria looked around herself at the house. The walls and furniture seemed suddenly too vivid to be real, as though the place that she had spent the last ten years of her life was an advertisement printed on an over-glossy page. She wondered how she had managed to not notice before now. (I’m not much into surrealism, but that bit about how everything looks too vivid like a glossy ad is a really nice touch)

“Hadn’t it occurred to you that you’re not who you meant to be?”

Maria glanced sharply back at herself, who now appeared substantially younger, in her twenties, with the traces of worry and care that had begun to dog Maria’s face now rewound and erased. That was really akward. Try breaking it up into two different sentencesMaria reached out to her and recoiled in alarm at the sight of her own hand - wrinkles and veins suddenly sprouted across it in a web, and spots of age marred her knuckles. †

“What are you doing to me?” Maria said, touching her wizened hand to a face that was sagging and shriveling beneath her fingers. Her other self, across the table, smiled sadly at her.

“Nothing you haven’t done to yourself.” †(Dorian Grey is facing his own image)

Maria stood and rushed to an ornate, full-length mirror in the hallway, it’s too-bright glass reflecting her face in perfect, harsh detail. Wrinkles that had started near her eyes and forehead blossomed across her face, deepening and spreading their tendrils in fractal folds. A bruise appeared along her jaw and faded; a livid scar flushed one cheek and then washed to a pale crescent.

“Has he hit you yet?” her other self asked from behind her, a teenager now, with dark, imploring eyes. †

“No,” Maria said, tracing the scar with a bony finger. “He would never.” †


“Wouldn’t he?” A child stood behind her, her eyes wide with fear.

“I…”

Maria turned around. A baby lay behind her in swaddling clothes, eyes closed in a fitful sleep. A note was pinned to her front like a foundling: Save us.

She picked up the baby in trembling, arthritic hands, and held the tiny bundle to her chest. She turned around, searching, lost.

Her eyes settled on the door, and she took her first, agonizing step towards it.

Her bones ached, but she kept moving. Her joints screamed, but she kept moving. Her muscles tore and stabbed at her, but she kept moving. good descriptions of her physical state

The paper veneer of the life she had been living crinkled and tore around her, and from the blackness behind it burst chains of gold and diamond, rings and bracelets, and wreaths of lilies, her favorite flower. They twined around her legs and sang to her, stay, stay.

Her wedding ring burned on her finger like a torturer’s iron. She felt herself slow. This sentance should be part of the following paragraph

A mewling came from the precious cargo she carried, and she looked down to see the baby fade and disappear, leaving nothing but the blanket she had been wrapped in. The ring on her finger burned a dark hole through the soft material, until it began to smolder and singe, finally burning away into nothing. All that remained was the ring, tightening like a vice around her ancient, care-worn hand. †

Maria screamed, a sound that started deep within her and that reverberated out and through the cardboard diorama of her life. It shattered the chains that bound her, melting the gold and burning the lilies. Diamonds and jewels turned to dust and blew away. The magazine ad furniture, the house, the garden, all melted like spun sugar left too long in the sun.

She wrenched the ring off of her finger, and with it, the years fell away, peeling off like a shed skin. She threw it to the floor, and her old life crumbled around her, subsiding into nothing.

It started to rain, softly, a warm shower touching her new skin. She stepped out of what had once been her house and gazed at the sky.

Slowly, dazedly, she fished her phone from her pocket, surprised that it was still there after all that had happened. She opened it and dialed a number she knew by heart.

“Hi, Mom? Um, would it be okay if I came and stayed with you for a while? Yeah, I thought it was about time.”

Somewhere inside her, her other self smiled.


If surreality is dream logic, then for me personally it’s supposed to be uncanny--real enough to fool yourself and yet slightly off, just enough to put you at unease. †This story is a really good example of that and it’s a really heartfelt story of a woman coming to terms with her abusive relationship which is an unfortunate reality for many women made more unfortunate in how many still remain. †The only flaws that really stood out to me were the run-on sentance and some paragraph condensing. Otherwise, this was a good story.

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

Is it too late/am I disqualified from getting a critique? I haven't written anything in a while and want to see how I stack up.

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

by R. Guyovich


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:49

leekster
Jun 20, 2013


contagonist posted:

Is it too late/am I disqualified from getting a critique? I haven't written anything in a while and want to see how I stack up.


Link me to your piece and I'll crit you.

Hillock and SH your critiques will be up tomorrow.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014



LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:

benny maybe you should learn how to read before you learn how to write dude

relevant: Benny the Snake crit

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:

benny maybe you should learn how to read before you learn how to write dude

anyone can crit

e: viz:

The marks are from my initial speed read when i judged. They have been revised where they were over-generous. Further judgebelches to come, and line-by-lines for everyone i gave a flash rule to.

Benny Profane: The Last Corpsewitch
Lots of good words and texture and Maga is a fine old DGAF apocalypse biddy but really who cares? Witch wants to end world, witch ends world. C+

Hammer Bro: The Screaming of Goats
Iíve got something of a powerful loathing for trick endings, and having your ending be Ďlol sheís a goatí definitely counts. Youíre robbing actual story peter to pay dumb trick ending lulz paul and it pains me, Hammer Bro, it pains me in the bit where I keep my feelings (points to heart). Pretty solid words and dialogue, though. B-

Hotsoupdinner: Insufferable Commandments of the Pagan Shrine
Thereís enough yattering on about wounds and stitching in it that this is like a black metal first aid course you go on to get a $0.50/hr bump in your pay grade or something, and the ploddily laid out world building takes up time you could have spent developing imore of an actual story. AND THEN I KILLED AND THEN I KILLED AND THEN I KILLED might be metal but it is definitely dull. Tolerable words, though. C+

Megazver: Insufferable Commandments of the Pagan Shrine
My joke story meter is honking its ridiculous clown horn and spinning its rotating bowtie right there in the first para, haha, the town of Polka-Mazurka, oh my stars and garters thatís just goold my brother. But then you just sort of loll around in the joke and itís faintly embarassing like a drunk uncle at a wedding. But I like the way you hang your sentences together, and the Crimson King marching in an irrational polyrhythm is actually pretty funny so you can have a B-

ZeBourgoisie: P-Type Engineer
Hm, cutting, cutting, this flensing knife Iím holding loosely between two fingers is really sharp and I hope I donít OH NO I accidentally cut the first eleven paras of your 600 word story and made it better, how about that. You have 1 (one) worthwhile thing in this story which is the image of the carcases suspended by sinew. I gave you a C+ for that, for some unfathomable reason, Iím downgrading you to a D because wtf is the point of this wibble bibble

WeLandedontheMoon! The King of the Whores
Haha you sneaky saidbook twatnugget, look at that. You basically get away with it, but itís a thing we grumble about for a reason, always consider swapping a saidbookism for Ďsaidí. This is good heavy metal album cover fodder and thereís a decent narrative throughline but as my negro sittinghere pointed out you cut before the actually interesting bit where not-rumpelstiltkin comes back to get his whoregelt. I liked GATHER YOUR ARMY FOR THE BLOOD-ORGY, too: B-

Necrosphinx: Coffee disintegrates the night

So thereís a sort of word salad in media res thing you got going on here that really doesnít work very well, and that muddles the impact a bit when youíre throwing around jawbreakers like the perfidious peaks of splendid engorgulation or w/e but I actually rather like the gore-clotted hypergothic vibe youíre running with here, so Iíll bump your C- up to a C+ then knock it back down to a C for tense errors because they rustle my cyberjimmies no end

SchneiderHeim: The Royal Scam
This one bored me somewhat poss because of all the ceaselessly raging eructations of screaming midnight etc in the previous, but itís a tolerable enough tale; more on the Ďwhat happened nextí side of things than the FEEL MY THESAURUS ROAR side iygmm. A bit too much as-you-know-professoring and endless bland rows of dialogue without much in the way of interesting voice, but I will allow that my initial B- was correctly allocated.

Benny the Snake: The Screaming of the Goat
Fyi I just read crabrocks crit of your space story, and for a crab who is also a rock he makes some good points, that scarecrow line was killer donít you think? Letís have another readÖ (note ellipsis) huh. So thereís your usual clumsy phrasing and cardboard characters, and some kind of strained thing about the sheep and and the goats (from tvís famous the bible) and then bam literal judgment day. C-

Nubile Hillock: Agitated hunder of the kittens of grandiloquent infinity
Haha jesus check out that title A++ would smile faintly again. Then frown because TAUT =/= TAUGHT HILLOCK U ILLITERATE MOTHERFUCKER. But that said, this actually has solid juice and a nice flow to it; pity you didní t quite stick the landing because thatís more the beginning of the story than they end, you feel me. Cut a hole in your side and pull out a B, I implanted it in you earlier (sorry should probly have asked 1st)

Leekster: Black sea
Dude Iím super glad that your wargaming night went well but hereís the thing come in close because Iím gonna whisper this in your ear all quiet and menacing like I thought I was gonna get a story not a badly written and unfinished AAR do you understand me C- downgraded to a D

Auraboks: Embers of the Xenocidal Queen
Haha this actually owned pretty hard, because black metal really is ridiculous, isnít it? And more important you actually had an actual believable human emotion at the core of it that was clear and incongruously sweet. Lots of clunkers in the words, mind, and you didnít quiiiiite manage the tone all the way through but Iím minded to chuck another + on the B+ I gave you first time round no need to thank me

Tenniseveryone: revealing cthulhu
Dude how do you make cthulhu working in a strip club dull just how? Itís like a master class in loving up a deranged premise. I mean not spoiling it in the title is one way I guess but NOOOOOOOOOOOTHING in this story actually matters, does it. A guy sits in a loving chair then sees The Joke (which you spoiled in the title remember) then the story ends. You could have called this story CTHULHU IS A STRIPPER (4 words) and it would have, been, if not better, at least not much worse. Go and ponder your sins in a tibetan monastery or s/thing tennis, you disgust me. C, revised down to a D.

Ironic Twist: Serpenteen
Ahhhh I just worked out why this puzzled me the first time I read it you switch characters 300 words in then do it again. If youíre gonna do that (and probalby you should try real hard not to in a sub 1k story) at least give me a *** to let me know ok cool glad we had this chat but that aside wtf, dude. Thereís decent words but as you know that only gets you so far; Iíve read this three times and Iím still basically befuddled about what happens and I just stopped caring about it it is straaaaangely liberating B- revised down to C

PoshAlligator: the hunger that burns
Sorry gdoc, couldnít be bothered, but youíre not terrible so it was porbably ok I guess? Have a B-

Crabrock: some artificial raspberry flavouring comes from the anal gland of a beaver
This was really good but the ending was too cheesy, I think you could have done the second to last para in a way that kept the unsentimental tone of the rest and kept it in sync with the narratorís voice up to then. A-

Newtestleper: Revenge of the Crimson King
Itís is only short for it is, newt. DM

Screaming idiot: void vampires
This is competently written 40k fanfic that hits the sub-Pratchett mark it was aiming at. Doesnít stick the landing, though, don't spend all your time setting up the pieces then run away giggling. B+, revised down to a B

Grizzled Patriarch: Body of the host
Oo yeah this is tight and nasty, and sells both the present tense and the richly nasty voice of the posessor. Doesnít quite justify its contextless approach but the overall effect is strong enough Iím still happy with an A-

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Jan 29, 2015 around 05:35

Echo Cian
Jun 16, 2011



You're all illiterate.

In with Koschei the Deathless.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Only way to get better at critting is by doing more crits. While I know y'all have reasons to be hating on him, give Benny a break here.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


In.

Beauty and the Beast

Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at Jan 29, 2015 around 06:00

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Only way to get better at critting is by doing more crits. While I know y'all have reasons to be hating on him, give Benny a break here.
Thank you, Muffin. How about letting me crit one of your stores?

leekster
Jun 20, 2013


Thanks for the crit sebmojo.

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

Hey, it's not what I meant, but thank you for the crit, Benny! I appreciate it.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


Thank you, Broenheim

curlingiron posted:

Hey, it's not what I meant, but thank you for the crit, Benny! I appreciate it.
You're welcome.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Black Metal Week crit for Your Sledgehammer

(note: My offer is still open to DQed people from that week to request a crit if you want one)

The Acolyte

So a man is in a trashcan being forced to say terrible things, and then another man says a terrible thing and the crowd of hecklers turns on him. Then the protagonist tiptoes away. I can only imagine him creeping cartoonishly offstage while staccato, ascending piano notes play each time he takes a dramatic sneak step.

But so ok, then you shift gears and inform us, in a lot of detail, that he's actually a cult victim in some Scientology compound. He packs for his trip and we learn his background in detail, and then he walks up to a fence, AND THEN! a conflict appears. In the form of a cigar smoking guy. Only he just lets the protagonist go. Helps him, in fact. The end. So the story is, "A guy walks out of a place." The background stuff doesn't even give a clue why he was in The Hole, or really what The Hole is. I assume it's like some sort of prison or shaming facility, but there's not much to go on. He just walks out, so it can't be too locked down. And like I said, I've got no clue why he's there. Disagreeing with Scientology I guess? But that's his only real character trait.

Scientology is also pretty low-hanging fruit in terms of "stuff your reader will instantly feel negatively about."

You should've introduced David earlier. I mean, you mention him, but without any context whatsoever. Why not show the protagonist in The Hole. Have David come talk to him. Maybe David is the devout leader, but privately, to his prisoner, he gives small signs that he's not feeling so zealous about body thetans anymore. Then when the protagonist makes his escape and finds David at the fence, there'd be some genuine tension, and it would be a pleasant surprise when David lets him go.

I kinda hate saying "this is what I think you should've done," but honestly plot was really unbalanced and didn't really feel like a standalone sequence of events.

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at Jan 29, 2015 around 09:00

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Judgeburps part the first
I will do some longer crits later of stories I feel I can offer the most insight on.

The stories mainly fell into three categories this week. There were ark stories which tended to be the worst of the lot, all exposition and not much else. Then there were some sci-fi action adventure stories which were mixed. Then there were high concept pieces which I generally found incomprehensible. My two favourite stories were notable exceptions to this.

JCDent - Two wolves yadayada
Liked the dilapidated spaceships, appreciated the attempts at humour but they mainly fell flat. Biggest problem was that the story took forever to happen, and there was so little plot to it. 732 words before anything happened, and only one thing happened in the whole story.

Schneiderheim - Let There Be Light
The concept of folding sickness was cool, but cool concepts were plentiful this week and there had to be excellent execution to stand out. The close was clunky in some places, but I think it was hurt more by a few places where the plot fell over a little. I thought this was very competent and made good use of the wordcount with its story arc.

tenniseveryone - The Last Man in Space
This fell somewhere between the space adventure and high concept camps. My main problem here was that the tone was really off, a really weird combination of hamfisted retro-nostalgia (hoverboards) and a sort of horror ghost story vibe. Also the prose was overwrought and you tried to fit way too much stuff into a small space.

leekster - Shifting Sand
I thought there was quite a lot of bad writing in it, I especially thought the first and third sentences both had clanging errors. I did like the setting and tone. The reunion was more interesting than some of the others here, and being a bit different is probably what saved you (barely) from a DM. One of my least favourite stories of the week.

Crab Destroyer - Seedship Stowaways
Stowaways on an ark ship could be interesting I guess, but the plot here was laughably bad. Like his parents I hated the protag he seemed like a loser. No wonder they didn't want him on their ship. Plot = Man looks for wife. He finds his parents. The end. What a load of crap. When I had finished reading this I had it down as a loss, though I changed my mind for reasons that will soon become clear.

Jitzu_the_Monk - The More Things Change
The spaceship wasn't very interesting, and neither was the relationship between the protag and the girl. I think there was a story in here about the protag realizing his sexuality, but I found it very confusing, and not in a good way. Whichever way you slice it his kissing the bully at the end was creepy, either he was pretending to be gay to creep him out (homophobic) or he was sexually harassing him. The end was rubbish here too, umbrella ex machina.

Benny the Snake
I was thankful that this was a lot better than your brawl entry. Guerrero's (terrible name) decision to go to war seemed like bull crap. The cheating seemed to come from nowhere. The c-section made no sense. I do feel like the prose was slightly less naive feeling than some of your other stuff, but only a little bit. This didn't hit the prompt either. There was a reunion but if there was a spaceship you could barely tell.

asap-salafi
I mean I think there was quite a bit that wasn't great about this, but apart from one thing it probably would have been a safe mid. That ending was loving horrendous. I've talked a bit about bad endings but this was the only one that made a lie out of the rest of your story. Telling us that the pilot is the daughter by mentioning her eyes and then pulling the rug out from under us by having it turn out she's not is not a plot twist. It's loving lying you bastard. When M Night Shmaylmanlan finds a backer for his fiftieth film he'll still be struggling to write a 'twist' this rubbish. The thing is I actually think you might have thought it was somehow clever. I hope this clears that up for you. I immediately had this as a DM but it festered in the back of my brain and ended up disgusting me so much I had no choice but to give it my vote for the loss.

ZeBourgeoisie - A Wizard in Space
I didn't like this because the spaceship wasn't neccesary to the story. The wizard could just have well been getting energy from Mount Doom or whatever. It wasn't A Wizard in Space it was a Wizard in Fantasyland with a space sticker.
Also this piece hinged on having amazing vivid descriptions of all the crazy energy poo poo. They were just boring. It was still a middle of the road effort, I liked his wizardfriends.

Entenzahn and Benny Profane
These stories both stood out to me, and I'm going to talk about them together.

They were both rollicking space adventures that made incredible use of the word-count. So much happened in both of them, they were both riveting. They also used the prompt extremely well, with both the reunion and spaceship aspects absolutely necessary to making them work. They both had good characterization and an interesting setting that we only saw glimpses of- there was no unwanted exposition.

The reason that BennyP got an HM and Entenzahn didn't was that Entenzahn's had quite a few writing inaccuracies, enough to take me out of the story. It was a very close thing though.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

I'm out this week. If you want a reaction from me for your story, pm me with it. I'll only do it once, so make it your final draft.

December Octopodes
Dec 25, 2008

Christmas is coming
the squid is getting fat!


I want in.

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

leekster posted:

Link me to your piece and I'll crit you.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...7#post440732430

SadisTech
Jun 26, 2013

Clem.


I know that my spaceship story was late by half an hour (for which I'm still kicking myself) but if anyone has any thoughts on it they might offer I'd be grateful. Not looking for a line crit or anything in depth.

By the way, blanket thank you for any crits received on my work so far; I'd thank you each time but I'm trying not to poo poo up the thread.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

SadisTech posted:

I know that my spaceship story was late by half an hour (for which I'm still kicking myself) but if anyone has any thoughts on it they might offer I'd be grateful. Not looking for a line crit or anything in depth.

By the way, blanket thank you for any crits received on my work so far; I'd thank you each time but I'm trying not to poo poo up the thread.

you're fine geezer, i thought it was pretty good. I'll do you a crit tomorrow.

Schneider Heim
Oct 17, 2012


In this week, can I have a fairy tale, please?

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition



Since you didn't pic a fairy tale, I pick one for you.

The Red Shoes

Schneider Heim posted:

In this week, can I have a fairy tale, please?

The Goose Girl

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


In with The Lawyer and the Devil

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

by R. Guyovich


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:49

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:

it was just funny is all lol
Funny this, fucko. Fight me, bitch

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anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

by R. Guyovich


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:49

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