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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

lkjgfkjgkjgINkldhlogifhrn

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Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

Yo, the idiot is in.

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

In.

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



In.

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!


In with a

SadisTech
Jun 26, 2013

Clem.


Ia! Ia! C'thulhu fhtaghIN

my first ever too since I missed last week.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

In.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




In.

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


In!

Barnaby Profane
Feb 23, 2012



In.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

SadisTech posted:

IVF
199 words

When we found out we could never have a baby, Mary cried herself to sleep every night. I'd feel the bed shaking, just a little, and I'd reach over and put my hand on her thigh. this is very precise and excellent

I found an ad asking for volunteers and we were both excited. a good example of when showing is actually fine, not least because of the good detail ^ We turned up in our best clothes and signed all the paperwork without questions. We danced outside i'd like something less cliche here? when they said we'd been accepted, and a woman in a lab coat glanced at us like she thought we were crazy.

Today I held Mary's hand as she lay on the table, and I watched her smile, then wince, then smile. The equipment was shiny metal and I'm sure it was cold.

Now it's after midnight and I'm holding her hand as she sweats and moans in our bed. Her belly is bigger than full term and I can see things moving under the skin. I fumbled the card they gave us out of my wallet and called the number and they said they'd be here inside the hour. While I was waiting on the phone I heard a muffled voice from the bed but Mary's teeth were clenched.

I hope they hurry. haha, yeah that's pretty solid, i'm liking your control in this one

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry


this isn't an 'in' post fyi

e: i just thought you should know so you can fix it

leekster
Jun 20, 2013


I'm in.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




Crit for Mercedes.

Mercedes posted:

What I Do for Love
Words: 906

It’s a good thing beauty lasts forever, Desmond thought. He admired the damned impressive landscape on his girlfriend The phrasing here feels a little awkward.. His hand connected with the booty meat hidden beneath Ramona’s red cloak. The first line is a bit confusing (is it meant to be sarcastic?) but otherwise this does a pretty good job of immediately establishing the tone.

She squealed and reflexively punched him on the shoulder. Desmond spiralled spiraled through the air and landed rear end up in a thorny bush. “Shnookums!” she called, running daintily to where he struggled to free himself. I would reword this to avoid at least one of the adverbs.

“I’m good!” Desmond announced shakily. He always forgot how freakishly strong she was. He recalled the hospital visit after they had sex while she wore her cloak for the first time. Besides the multiple rib and pelvic fractures, it was the best sex in the history of man. Is the cloak giving her super-strength, or is it just inherited from the father? It sounds like the former here, but if so that needs to have more emphasis than one throwaway line. It also doesn't come up again in the story, which feels like a Chekhov's gun that never goes off.

Desmond limped up the forest path to her father’s wooden cabin. As they made their approach, the door slammed open "slammed open" sounds off to me for some reason, although it's technically not incorrect revealing a large shadowed figure with bloodshot eyes. Seems odd that his eyes are visible if he's shadowed.

“Daddy!” Ramona ran into the embrace of the hairiest man Desmond had ever seen. The sheer volume of hair on his body kept the flannel shirt from ever touching his skin.This is a good line. Desmond craned his neck to look the woodsman in his steely eyes. He swallowed a lump. This guy is feeling like a cliche instead of a character.

“This is my boyfriend, Desmond,” Ramona said, dragging Desmond closer to what he was sure was imminent death. “Baby, this is my daddy, Bruce.”

Desmond cleared his throat and awkwardly offered a hand. “Hi.”

Bruce growled. He turned, then sat in a chair that was comically too small for his size. You're doing a lot of telling and not enough showing. The bit with the chair is ripe for some comedic imagery, but you just tell us it's funny instead.

Ramona urged Desmond forward. “He wants to tell you something.”

This was it. This would be the day he died. His tombstone would say, Here lies Desmond. He hosed the wrong man’s daughter.

“I, uh, hi.” He flushed. “Sorry, already said that. I wanted to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

Bruce’s sudden, manly guffaw caused Desmond to recoil and protect his soft parts with his arms. The laughter cut out with a growl and Bruce loomed over him, still taller even though he was seated.

“Boy, you think you’re good enough for my Bunny-wunny?” Bruce’s glorious mustache waggled as he spoke. “What do you do?”

Desmond looked up at Bruce with trepidation. “I’m an Art History major with a minor in-”

“No boy will take my Bunny-wunny into feels like this should be onto. Or maybe "lead my Bunny-wunny down..." a road of poverty!” Bruce roared, spittle flying from his mouth.

“Daddy! I love him!” Ramona clung to her father, nearly disappearing into his arm hair.

Bruce shot a look at Desmond with fire in his eyes.

“Sir, I would do anything for Ramona.” What on earth has come over me? Tense shift here.

Bruce screamed and tore his flannel in twain. The briar forest of chest hair puffed, flicking shiny gleams of sweat outward. “You will prove to me if you have what it takes to be a man in a contest of strength.” He stomped by and shoved a steel-bladed axe in probably want to go for "against" or something here, to avoid any confusion. At first I thought he wedged an axe blade into him.Desmond’s chest, knocking him over a chair. “Come boy.”

Outside, Desmond found himself staring up an old redwood tree. “You want me to cut down this tree before you punch your tree down?”

Bruce cracked his knuckles and eyed his target, a tree as wide as his cabin. “You best get started, boy.” When his fist connected with the tree, dirt flew up as the roots strained against the earth. “I won’t be long.”

Ramona is the finest girl in all the land, Desmond thought. I’ll never find anyone as hot as her if I fail here. That rear end. I would kill a man’s dog and eat it while looking him straight in the eyes for an rear end like Ramona’s. He lowered his stance and held his axe to his side like one would a sword. The world around him slowly dimmed and the fury of Bruce’s hammer blows faded until the tree was the only thing in focus. He felt the tree’s life force through his feet. The thrum of insects living in the branches-

“Watch out Desmond!” Ramona’s voice cut through the fog.

He looked to his right. The tree Bruce had been beating on was falling toward him. Desmond shifted his grip on the axe. Like a viper, he uncoiled and the axe head whistled through the air.

Both his redwood tree and Bruce’s falling tree exploded in splinters, dust and dead ecosystems. Desmond dropped the axe to the ground and staggered out of the cloud of tree debris.

Bruce fell to his knees as his moustache should be "mustache" if you're in the US pulled free of his face. It fluttered like a butterfly and crossed the distance to Desmond, attaching to the lower half of his face. “Boy, how did-” Another place where you could have elaborated with the imagery for a stronger effect

“Man,” Desmond corrected him. His shirt billowed and hair curled up out of his collar.

“Man, yes, of course,” he said, blushing. “How were-”

“-was I able to chop both trees with one swing of an axe?” Desmond said, his glorious moustache wiggled as he talked. “I majored in Art History, that much is true. But I have a double minor in Samurais "samurai" is the plural and the singular and Lumberjacks.”

“That’s a thing?”

Desmond revved the engine of the motorcycle he and Ramona are now sitting on. “I went to a For-Profit school.” Another tense shift.

Bruce nodded. “Ramona, make sure to invite your grandmother to the wedding.”

Ramona waved at her father. “I will daddy! Thank you!”

Desmond placed aviators on and hit the throttle, dirt and debris flying back. “I’ll see you in a few months, ‘Dad’,” he said. They sped down the forest path, backlit by the setting sun.

Structurally, you've got a pretty tried-and-true setup here. You tell a story with a beginning, middle, and end, you've got obstacles to overcome, etc. My biggest issue is that none of the characters have any depth. The dad is a cartoon, which can work, but he ends up stealing the entire story and making the protagonist feels like a non-entity until the very end. There are some funny images, some of which don't get any time to breathe, but they aren't enough to hold a story together. I think you hit the tone you are going for pretty well, but I was left wanting a bit more meat to it.

A Classy Ghost
Jul 21, 2003

this wine has a fantastic booquet


In.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Sitting Here posted:

this isn't an 'in' post fyi

e: i just thought you should know so you can fix it

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry


Jeep
Feb 20, 2013


In.

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



Also thanks for the crit on the last page, crabrock!

bukkits
Mar 7, 2013



In

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

by R. Guyovich


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at Oct 27, 2015 around 05:49

hotsoupdinner
Apr 12, 2007
eat up

I'm in.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


Aw, why are mom and dad fighting again?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Benny the Snake posted:

Aw, why are mom and dad fighting again?

This isn't E/N

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Presumably because mom wants to throw out some comics.

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

I WANT TO BE IN
I NEED TO BE IN

Tayacan
Dec 8, 2012

Fucking nerd

I'm in. For the first time.

This is scary.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Presumably because mom wants to throw out some comics.
You throwing stones at me, skippy?

gently caress the stones, Fight me, Muffin

tenniseveryone
Feb 8, 2014


Hello yes I am in.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Grimey Drawer

Benny the Snake posted:

You throwing stones at me, skippy?

gently caress the stones, Fight me, Muffin

you're a stupid loving idiot. get a loving clue and stop brawling people at the drop of the hat you god drat weirdo.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


crabrock posted:

you're a stupid loving idiot. get a loving clue and stop brawling people at the drop of the hat you god drat weirdo.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Echo Cian
Jun 16, 2011



TD has better things to do than dump babies out of their strollers.

Like listening to advice and improving their writing.

...The rest of you are doing that, yes?

That was rhetorical.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


I'll be good

Muffin, you mind if I crit one of your stories, though? I do need the practice, after all.

Arm_Fruit
Jul 1, 2013


OK I'm in.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Benny the Snake posted:

You throwing stones at me, skippy?

gently caress the stones, Fight me, Muffin

Hey how come no one is mentioning my burn of you, which was arguably more subtle and quick

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


Sitting Here posted:

Hey how come no one is mentioning my burn of you, which was arguably more subtle and quick
I know better than to provoke you, though

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Benny the Snake posted:

I know better than to provoke you, though

drat right son but you know i find it equally and perhaps especially provocative when the thread essentially starts spiraling around you like a stopped up toilet trying to drain

You know what, I'm grumpy, my stomach is sick and burbly as gently caress, and oh dear oops excuse me I just pooted out a FLASH GEIS

Benny the Snake, until such a time as you receive an Honorable Mention, you are forbidden from challenging anyone to a brawl.

You can still accept them, of course, if someone for some reason challenges you.

amen

ZeBourgeoisie
Aug 8, 2013

THUNDERDOME
LOSER


gently caress you life you're not my real dad.

In

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Savagely_Random
Jan 28, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

In.

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