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Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




In.

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flerp
Feb 25, 2014



Hell yeah, totally in

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

In

Echo Cian
Jun 16, 2011



In.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003




Abstract Speed + Sound by Giacomo Balla

Words: 1138

Megazver
Jan 13, 2006


gently caress it, in.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Bompacho posted:

What this guy said.

In


The Dog by Francisco Goya

Words: 544

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Comrade Question posted:

In, gently caress me up.

Welcome to the thunderdome! I will do a line crit for you since this is your first time.


A Bigger Splash by David Hockney

Words: 601

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003




Dawn/Water Poem by Ralph Hotere

Words: 931

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Ancient Blades posted:

in, could you give me something trippy and weird? please no dogs playing poker


Flag, 1954-55 by Jasper Johns

Words: 1283

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


PootieTang posted:

IN like Flynn.


The Geographer by Vermeer

Words: 1223

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003




Cueva de los Manos by cavemen

Words: 839

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

The turtle moves.


Fun Shoe

In, throw me an awful painting to write awful words about.

Walamor
Dec 31, 2006

Fork 'em Devils!


In. Cool prompt by a cool judge (give me a good painting).

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003




The Opening of the Fifth Seal (The Vision of St John) by El Greco

Words: 1350

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


ZeBourgeoisie posted:

In for the first time in a long time.


Still Life Before an Open Window by Juan Gris

Words: 616

CancerCakes
Jan 10, 2006

WORST WIZARD, THUNDERDOME
LOSER


Maugrim posted:

Nope, not gonna accept a punishment based on a false accusation. Benny hasn't submitted his entry and the deadline hasn't passed yet.

I understand. It's tough being a baller, some people can't cut it. It's not your fault.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Capntastic posted:

In for the kill


Self Portrait by Gustave Courbet

Words: 661

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003




Opus 217. Against the Enamel of a Background Rhythmic with Beats and Angles, Tones, and Tints, Portrait of M. Félix Fénéon in 1890 by Paul Signac

Words: 1466

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

I'm in.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Crits Week 136 pt. 1

1. Screaming Idiot ft. Obama & Friends
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? It’s really more of a commentary

I thought you lost it there when it was revealed to be a story within a story and that was disappointing. But then you got it back!

This story was exactly how I felt like this week would go: kooky, zany, political. You went over the top and you did it pretty well. But I don’t know how much I care for this as a stand alone story. I believe you accomplished what you set out to do but this doesn’t have a whole lot of “weight” to it, if that makes sense. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes. Interesting opening to this prompt.

2. SurreptitiousMuffin
ft. Martin Luther
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yeah
Is there a story present? Yes, but not a particularly strong one

Your opening paragraph is muddy in my mouth. You could rephrase it to read much smoother. That being said, I like it. I like the imagery a lot.

Your fight scenes really oscillated between good and bad here. There were bits I liked, that I felt like advanced the story, that were useful to understanding the motivations and emotions etc etc. And there were bits where you were clearly transcribing the sweet movie scene you were seeing in your head.

Your ending was weak. I don’t think you amped up the powah enough to top it with a pithy one liner and a sentence about heaven weeping.

3. Entenzahn ft. Kurt Gödel
Do I know your famous person? No
Should I? Yeah...
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? No

Wonderful, wonderful opening line. Great economic choices. In under 20 words I was sucked in, I was interested, I knew the setting, I knew the tone, and I had an idea of the character. Very nice. I mean, honestly, this was pretty well written all the way through. gently caress I even like the idea. The problem I have with it, though, is that you don’t actually say much. We get a bunch of little vignettes that are loosely tied together by Kurt’s fear of death. This, in of itself, wouldn’t be a problem if they showed any sort of character development. Kurt seemed very much the same at the beginning as he did in the end. Maybe this was an intentional choice. Some kind of math throw in that I failed to pick up on. But I don’t think so. And even if it was you didn’t set it up enough to pull it off.

4. Noah ft. Houdini & Cpt. Max Pruss HM
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? No
Do you have an interesting introduction? It’s okay
Is there a story present? Yes

“But Pruss was a German” was a nice line. I liked that one.

Lemme just say, I don’t feel like you fulfilled the prompt. I liked your ending. I think it was a good choice and your wording was excellent. Left me with a great feeling. Really, really loved it. But you didn’t gimme that last day of a famous person’s life you were supposed to.

I don’t understand Pruss and Houdini’s relationship. You give me one line about Pruss seeing Houdini as a kid but the escape artist had a diminutive pet name for the captain. Did you mean for there to be more? It feels like there should be more.

You do a nice jump writing the action sequences. I could see them unfolding in my mind. Very predictable but very satisfying at the same time.

Strong ending.

5. Broenheim ft. Van Gogh
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? No
Is there a story present? No

“He just wanted to see things like he did before. The stars burning bright, lighting up the dark sky into swirls of blue and white. The spires of mountains and churches climbing up towards the glowing moon. A sleeping town, with the only sign of life being a couple windows shining, but never as strong as the stars. Those images were forever burned in the canvas of his mind.

He was trapped back then. When he looked out over that town, freedom burned as strong as the drinks. Now he was cold.”

That is quite well-written. Quite poetic. I think this what you were aiming for for your entire piece. You missed the mark more than you hit it. But here, here you got it. That’s nice. Keep it. Treasure it. The rest is slop.

No plot here. No really story. Just some (historically inaccurate) waxing on about Van Gogh’s last day. No reason to be engaged. No reason to give a poo poo.

But! With that being said, I feel like you are improving as a writer.

6. DXH ft. Jose Marti
Do I know your famous person? No
Should I? Arguable
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? No
Is there a story present? Yes

Don’t start a story with the character waking up. It's bad form.

Don’t point out the super sweet symbolism of a character’s name. When you do that, what you're really doing is either pointing out your contempt for your audience’s intelligence or highlighting your own “cleverness.” Naw bruh. Not cool. Not ever. Now, I do recognize Angel was actually named Angel de la Guardia in real life but pointing that kind of poo poo out is still irritating. Don't do it.

Your title sucked but I would have had no idea who your dude was without it.

Why did the fat dude never get a name? He showed up enough to get a name.

Your prose is clumsy. You need to get out of “movie mode” where you try and script everything out how it would be seen on a screen.

The death didn’t feel symbolic and it should have. Or should it have? I don’t know. What was the point of this? Were you simply retelling the real death of Jose Marti? Why would you do that? Why not make it significant in some way, shape or form? I find the utter lack of significance the most damning fault of this piece.

7. Jitzu_the_monk ft. Tupac Shakur
Do I know your famous person? Yes
Should I? Yes
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes
Is there a story present? Yes

You succesfully completed the requirements of the prompt. This more than a lot of people can say.

You had a lot of fun writing this and it shows. It’s fun.

The video game progression of unlocking beats doesn’t really work here, though. Nor do the rhymes themselves. They didn’t sound real. They certainly didn’t sound ill. Rap can be a difficult thing to read because it is so beat and breathe dependent. I struggled to find the meter.

The final, climatic battle was nice. The ending was unclear. Did Pac suicidebomb them both? Was he reaching for Biggie’s destruct switch? Did Evil Robot Biggie power on and kill Tupac before he flipped the switch? Was Pac satisfied in his decision because as he set the explosion he saw the Biggie was back to being evil and therefore knew he had done what needed to be done to end the cybernetic threat? NO IDEA

8. Paladinus ft not Napolean I
Do I know your famous person? [strikethrough]Yes[/strikethrough] No
Should I? No
Do I see the last day of their life? Yes
Do you have an interesting introduction? Nope
Is there a story present? Nah

Just cuz you do a crazy dude who thinks he’s a famous dude doesn’t mean you wrote about a famous dude.

I think you just tried to be too clever. Your ending reeked of this really great “point” that you never actually made. You had the framework but failed to have anything inside it. Did you have a much grander idea for this story that you had to cut due to word/time constraints? That’s what it feels like.

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Mar 17, 2015 around 22:17

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Broenheim posted:

Hell yeah, totally in


Beat the Whites with the Red Wedge by El Lissitzky

Words: 869

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003




Judith Beheading Holofernes by Caravaggio

Words: 602

newtestleper fucked around with this message at Mar 18, 2015 around 00:48

CancerCakes
Jan 10, 2006

WORST WIZARD, THUNDERDOME
LOSER


In and that

flerp
Feb 25, 2014



ty 4 crit trex

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003




Tiger Riding Ukelele Man by Henri Rousseau (Le Douanier)

Words: 1463

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Megazver posted:

gently caress it, in.


Glenrowan by Sir Sidney Nolan

Words: 776

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Screaming Idiot posted:

In, throw me an awful a great painting to write awful words about.


Figures and Dog in Front of the Sun by Joan Miro

Words: 600

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Walamor posted:

In. Cool prompt by a cool judge (give me a good painting).


House of Cards by Zinaida Serebriakova

Words: 1004

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003




Traffic Cop Bay by Bill Hammond

Words: 650

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


CancerCakes posted:

In and that


Just What Is It That Makes Today's Homes So Different, So Appealing? by Richard Hamilton

Words: 968

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


I am your second judge.



Extras for experts: you may request flash rules from me, but they will not be easy flash rules. Oh no no no.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

CancerCakes posted:

I understand. It's tough being a baller, some people can't cut it. It's not your fault.

ill still brawl you bro 500 wds come at me

Comrade Question
Mar 30, 2011

"I'd say it's nothing personal, but corporations are people, too."


newtestleper posted:

Welcome to the thunderdome! I will do a line crit for you since this is your first time.

Hey, thanks in advance.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

Did you FAIL THUNDERDOME Entenzahn? Don't worry, here's an example on how to write!

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Extras for experts: you may request flash rules from me, but they will not be easy flash rules. Oh no no no.

I politely request a flash rule from you, you raisin-infested, squishy, innutritious downgrade of a cupcake.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Entenzahn posted:

I politely request a flash rule from you, you raisin-infested, squishy, innutritious downgrade of a cupcake.
A man comes bearing a gift. It is alive, and not without rage.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



.

A Classy Ghost
Jul 21, 2003

this wine has a fantastic booquet


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I am your second judge.



Extras for experts: you may request flash rules from me, but they will not be easy flash rules. Oh no no no.

I'm not an expert but I'm going to take one of these because why the gently caress not

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Extras for experts: you may request flash rules from me, but they will not be easy flash rules. Oh no no no.

Down for this.

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angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

in

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