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docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

Modern worldly poster

Alothaa, mother of lost causes and lost souls. Her song reaches through the deepest silence, makes plain the hidden paths, and sees the wanderer safely home.

In.

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sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







I'll take one leekster, thanks

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


leekster posted:

Kai I'm blown away. Thank you for caring so much to make me better. I've read it over three times now and have it saved to my desktop. Thank you tremendously for this.

And to repay a small portion of the kindness I recieved I'll line by line the first five to ask me. They'll be done in a week. No bullshit. I won't focus on grammar. But story, character, etc. I'll crit the hell out of that.
Sure. Still kinda shaky on my feet after a four-ish month writing break, and could use the input. You're a cool dude.

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Yuan is the Goddess of Green Water.

Wan is the Goddess of Blue Water.

An is the Goddess of Black Water.

In.

Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at 14:59 on Feb 17, 2015

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



I'll take the last one, leekster

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.


Fun Shoe

In with Toron-Mata, Second of the Trinity, Guardian God of Knowledge, Logic, and Speech. He is the brother of Ebilius-Shahar, Third of the Trinity, Warrior God of Freedom, Instinct, and Action, and lover of Hartisese-Jayhopa, First of the Trinity, Mother Goddess of All That Lives.

contagonist
Jul 21, 2014

You shouldn't be doing anything with fluorine.

Hers are the words in the lunatic's ear, and her hands guide genius. Her domain is the warped mirror and the cracked lens revealing the secret orders. She is Ioc, made of madness and brilliance and the true systems.

Echo Cian
Jun 16, 2011



Crits/comments for Week 131

The biggest problem this week was adherence to the spirit of the prompt (and the prompt itself, sometimes). I suppose most (but not all) of you did manage to make stories, but they tended to not be very good stories, because my prompt did not say that the protagonist should be confronted with a choice and then ignore it because the choice was basically irrelevant, which is what many of you seemed to think.

There were also problems with weak endings, which I have already covered. Please review.

I got tired of saying the same things over again about halfway through the doc so if you don't have many comments but they aren't very positive (if they are positive, I probably just didn't have much to say), read the comments above you. Will go into more detail on request.

Barnaby Profane
Feb 23, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2021


In.

Weevil is the god of small things and unknown spaces. He lives in the cracks of the world, wherever overlooked boundaries may be found. He offers opportunity to those who would remain hidden, and brings slow ruin to the edifices of the mighty and proud.



Also, linecrits are a good thing. I am offering two line-by-line critiques, to be completed within one week, with the only catch being that anybody claiming a crit must themselves pay two forward. That is, if you take a crit, you must offer two linecrits of your own, each to be completed within a week of their being claimed. I will happily crit any story, not just those from the most recent week, so please provide a link to the story you would like critiqued when claiming a crit slot.

2-for-1 Linecrits

1. Grizzled Patriarch, http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3242&title=Until+We+Meet+Again. (to be completed before 3/2/15)
2. Benny the Snake, http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=3291&title=How+Felix+Cheated+Winter (due date TBD)

Barnaby Profane fucked around with this message at 19:22 on Feb 23, 2015

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







Echo Cian posted:

Crits/comments for Week 131

The biggest problem this week was adherence to the spirit of the prompt (and the prompt itself, sometimes). I suppose most (but not all) of you did manage to make stories, but they tended to not be very good stories, because my prompt did not say that the protagonist should be confronted with a choice and then ignore it because the choice was basically irrelevant, which is what many of you seemed to think.

There were also problems with weak endings, which I have already covered. Please review.

I got tired of saying the same things over again about halfway through the doc so if you don't have many comments but they aren't very positive (if they are positive, I probably just didn't have much to say), read the comments above you. Will go into more detail on request.

ty for the crits

my crits from last week will be up today

Ol Sweepy
Nov 28, 2005

Safety First


May the Gods be kind. I am IN for my first Thunderdome.

Ma'indo - The god of wisdom and judgement is without mercy and serves as a psychopomp. He most often takes the form of a great raven, dropping souls into the void to atone for their sins for as long as he deems fit then later carrying them to the afterlife. He takes great pride in his work and provides harsh truths and lessons to the dead and living alike.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


:siren: Week 132 crits - Less is Noir :siren:

This was decent. Nothing to hate or love, but a bunch of entries we liked and a lot we were lukewarm on. There were some nice hooks and lots of complete plots, so that was very good. Little rambling, modest amounts of world building, many endings that ended at the end, and, most importantly, the majority of stories didnít bore us.

That said, writing 500-word stories is hard, and even though some of you stepped up your game, you really have to be on top of it here. Make every word count. Tick off all the boxes: have a plot where something happens; be clear about it; make me care. Not more, not less. Remember what de Saint-Exupery said about perfection.

Action is always nice and Iím a big sucker for popcorn reading, but at such a tight limit, 200 words about a gunfight are loving ballast. Unfortunately a lot of stories went exactly there: a revolver, a bookie/thug/detective, a bang and someone died. Thatís okay. I asked for it, we all knew it was coming. But take a look at the top picks and tell me what they did differently. Innovate. Twist the formula. And make me care. Donít sacrifice your characterís personal arc for a shootout scene. Itís a bad trade.

---------------------------

ZeBourgeoisie Ė Old Tony
Random murder chase story
This was a tight piece. Itís a shame it boiled down to ďDude walks in on a murder and gives chase and gets shot.Ē I donít know why any of this happened. By that I mean I donít know why any of these characters did any of the things they did, but I also mean I donít get why you wrote this story. What were you trying to tell me? It just seems so random. There were other stories that were just noir shootouts, but this one had no cohesion.

Ends with the protagonist getting shot. The first of many??? (yes)


Screaming Idiot Ė One Last Bottle Before I Go
Reminiscent barfly story
Reads like the synopsis to a longer story. Thereís a plot somewhere in the background, but you give me the debrief and the coda. Not sure how I feel about this. You could just pick a pivotal scene, happening in the now, to speak for the story as a whole. Maybe thatís what you tried here, but then I donít think you made a good pick; we just watch this guy sit on the bar and be sad. Lots of cliches, but you do make the voice work. I liked the prose. Mediocre idea nicely executed.

He He. Executed. Get it?


hotsoupdinner Ė Detention
Gameboy story
Hardboiled school drama. This was a good attempt at something different, and easy to read. I would have liked if youíd pronounced the fear on Tracyís part, or found some other way to give this more of an emotional, personal impact. As it is I didnít really feel much except I guess Tracy got a bit annoyed. Also the teacher talks odd. That said, it was slick and complete and had a nice ending line. It was fine.


Ironic Twist Ė Alley
Blind dude murder scene
I liked this a lot. Your characters have distinct personalities that shine through with little effort on your part. The final realisation is very effective, especially after youíve made Yarboro the sympathetic one. Itís pretty vignetty, but it creates a nice mood and a dark final picture.

What takes away from this is the passivity of the protagonist - exposition happens and then he wakes up and realizes that his buddy is dead. Still, this was much better than any of your other stories Iíve critted. It was always clear what was going on and I cared about the actors.

I would also like to really point out that these guys have some phenomenal names.


SurreptitiousMuffin Ė English Rose
True Detective meets Constable Xinling
Yes Muffin, thatís right. I remember that story. I also think it was better than this one. Your writing isnít quite so clear and for a scene that hints at a lot of things it doesnít always get its point across. The phone threw me off the most. Itís just so weird that he takes it out right then and there, and Iím not sure to what end. The coverup in general is just so loving obvious that it verges on the comical.

When I gave the story some more time and really made sure to work out the details it unfolded like a beautiful origami crane, but this is Thunderdome and your target audience (me) is dumb and hates to read so keep that in mind.


Jitzu_the_Monk Ė Tuesday at Work
Office story
Back in the day I yelled at you for being too obvious but now I feel like youíre overcompensating because I have no idea what youíre on to with this piece. I guess the chronology is in reverse, but itís so badly implemented that I didnít realize it for a while and even now Iím not sure whatís going on. Why did you choose to begin and end the story where you did? Why is the woman jumping, whatís the protagonistís role and who is the man with the booze? I think thereís something about people getting what they deserve here, but the womanís role is too vague and important at the same time. First we see her commit suicide and then the story is suddenly about the manís promotion as he gushes at her from the other side of the street?

Itís kinda like Muffinís story, only when I take the time to work out the details it implodes into a shameful pile of confetti.


Savagely_Random Ė The Long Nightfall
Dinoirsaurs (yes Iím using that pun again)
This was hella cool and an original take on the old cliches. Iím not sure about your choice of protagonist, as Ajax doesnít overcome any significant challenges or learn anything about himself in the process - this piece might have been better from Miloís perspective who shows some signs of internal conflict. It was also a bit too wordy and overt in places, which is a loving sin at 500 words. Still: nice idea, well played. An HM I didnít have to fight for.


Jagermonster Ė All In
Boardhouse shootout
A recurring theme this week were slick action pieces that lacked personality. This is the epitome. Like, itís nice, and the action is there and I get whatís going on, both physically and thematically, but I donít care much about the guy and he seems to overcome his adversaries pretty easily. First heís some nerdy bookie and suddenly he plays the PD and the mob against each other and kills them all, no sweat babe. :smug: Itís a solid entry, but shallow.


Schneider Heim Ė Nori is just an anagram for Noir
Confusing japanese lesbian proposal story
This was messy, from the purple prose in the beginning to the part where I kept confusing Nori and Miki because their names are so similar and theyíre both females and one of them also goes by another wacky nickname. Didnít care much for the pacing either - Nori is looking for black yarn and I donít know why and itís like, this is a 500 word story get to the point. And then itís a proposal. And she accepts. THE END. Cute but it didnít rock my boat.


Guiness13 Ė Rescue
Paper-filled envelope story
This had a complete arc but it wasnít particularly inspired. I donít care much about the protagonist and I never see his girlfriend so I donít know if Iím supposed to show some kind of reaction at the news of her untimely demise, but I donít. Another conflict thatís resolved by a dude with a revolver shooting people. At least he doesnít get far with it, so itís realistic. One more for the death reel.


Benny Profane Ė Sardines
Dameís rise and fall
My co-judges liked this a lot and I canít deny that it was a strong contender for an HM, but something about it bothered me. At first I couldnít put my finger on it, but Iím pretty sure itís the voice, or more precisely, the lack of emotion in it. You came up with a very complete story arc, and the writing is good and it holds my interest, but at the end Iím left unsatisfied, like there was some emotional journey taking place and I was left out. Because really, stuff happens, and some of it is pretty drastic, but the narrator never shows any emotion, itís just this grizzled dame coldly recounting her life story and I never feel much obliged to root for anyone here.

It was strong, but the competition was stronger.


Grizzled Patriarch Ė The Old Breed
Accident story
Letís start with the good: you manage to creep me out because the whole thing where the protagonist is suddenly dying and paralyzed and canít tell anyone about it genuinely makes me shiver. Itís a situation straight from our nightmares and nobody wants to be in it, so that makes it easy to relate and feel for the guy.

But itís pretty random. Itís just an accident that happens, and then the aftermath drags on, and on, and heís lying there until the story runs out of words and ends in the middle, leaving me with what feels like more of a bizarre creepypasta than a noir story. I donít know where you could have taken this, but you should have thought of something.


leekster Ė Drowning in It
Bailing wife
This is a vast improvement over the last story Iíve judged from you. Thereís a character with a motivation, the conflict is personal and warrants emotional investment, and it begins and ends when itís supposed to. Itís complete and the situation is actually interesting. However, your prose drags it down a bit - too wordy in the beginning, to messy in the end. It also takes too long to get to the point. The part where she yells at her ring throws me off - youíre trying to be dramatic here, but it doesnít seem like something she would actually do.

So I thought this piece was flawed but solid. What signed your DM-warrant was a strong competition and also my co-judges hated your grammatical/tense issues. Still, youíre improving. Keep Ďem coming.


perpetulance Ė One Day at a Time
Junkie story
Much like the kinda nerdy, voluminous kid at school this story tries too hard to be cool. The prose is very slick and competent, but I donít get whatís going on in the background. Is he just driving around killing dealers for drugs? Is he doing it regularly or is this a one-time job? What are you trying to tell me with this? The conflict is solved through violence, and the protagonist just kinda breezes through it, so itís like, you give him a pseudo-hurdle to jump over and he pats himself on the back and goes back to play with his hard-earned dope. Heís not a hero, heís not a tragic figure I can relate to, heís just a junkie who kills a dealer on a whim, illustrating nothing.

Donít get me wrong, it wasnít the worst piece ever, but somebody had to take the fall and your story was at the same time one of the messiest and shallow. Donít do drugs, kids.


Fumblemouse Ė Encroaching
Child abuse story
I liked this a lot. The scene shift is weird at first but you employ it densely enough to turn it into a stylistic instrument. The prose is super efficient. The end of the first scene is a particularly good example of how to use few words to hit the reader like a truck without being too obvious - Iím left to fill in the horrible gaps myself, but you make it easy for me.

The protagonist is likeable, each scene has a point and the pace is brisk and enjoyable. Iím left with the story of a tragic life in a dark, dark world. The twist protagonist shooting was pretty trite and I know you could have come up with a more original downer ending had you really wanted to, but otherwise this story ticks all the boxes. Congratulations on your victory, itís well-deserved.


LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE Ė Watching The Watsons
Dog story
This is a nice twist, but the way youíve written it kinda depends on playing hide-and-seek with the reader. Savagely_Random wrote a dino noir story and it worked because he took his idea and developed it in front of me. You hide yours from me, and then I get a vague, weirdly worded noire cliche so you can hold out on your punchline until I realize halfway in that the detective is a dog!!! lol!!

Then you have a hidden punchline within the hidden punchline, where it turns out the dog, we didnít actually know was a dog at that point, hadnít been attacked by something big, though we'd had no frame of reference as to what we should have expected him to have been attacked by, but instead it was a dog, and the dog was attacked by a tiny spider-- do you have a headache yet

A better dog story than most I have read, but it played its cards too close to its chest.


Walamor Ė The Best of Intentions
Tavern story
Mhhh yeah this is pretty cool. Itís a full story, the setting is original for noir and the characters are likeable and well-rounded. Jaimeís goal is noble, so I can relate to it, and Beth sticks with him for better or worse, so I like her too. The beginning immediately creates a sense of urgency and it slowly builds from there, showing us what exactly is at stake, and why.

Why didnít this make the HM cut? Because there were stories we agreed on more readily. Also I guess tense problems, though they didnít bother me personally. Either way, this was very good and leagues above your old acquaintance story. Well done.


crabrock Ė Murder Beneath the Mountain
Dead diggers
This was decent plotwise, but the writing was messy and unclear in spots. Passive voice, awkward sentence structures, purple prose - I feel like you tried a too hard to be fancy, at the expense of clarity. It made the setup and the flight scene hard to follow, for me at least.

So I donít know what a fault line is, but I took from the story that digging too close to it gets people killed. Didnít the diggers know this? At first I suspected the foreman somehow blew up his guys on purpose, because everybody immediately turned around and tried to kill him back. The pacing was nice and after deciphering the flight scene Iíd say so was the action, though I would have liked to see some emotional reaction to the explosion other than ďOkay, time to leg it.Ē

Clear theme - getting too greedy doesnít go well - and an ending that makes sense but leaves me with kind of a hollow feeling. I donít think the protagonist learned much from this other than to keep his savings in an offshore bank account.


newtestleper Ė Dirty Lucre
Mafia story
I donít know much about Italian gangs or language so I was confused on my first read-through - is Cancro an Italian gang? It kinda looks like Camorra. What does the medicine and cancer have to do with anything? Is Cancro cancer? Are they the cancer mafia? What kind of business model is this? By now I think the Italian mafia somehow spreads cancer, though Iím still not sure how or why, only that they seem to make money with it? You know what, whatever.

The real conflict, the cop taking the bribe, was clear enough and nicely done. The pacing was slow, but thatís okay. Cool ending. A competent piece overall, but the clarity issues dragged it down away from HM range. It was a good attempt.


Djeser Ė Inga: Investigator, Retriever, and Rogue For Hire
D&D Noir
Djeser you fucker. The beginning was so cool and I was ready to shower you with candy-colored comedy accolades. You could have been a made man!! But then the whole secret agent thingy dragged on and on, petering out into a long-winded bar scene that went from fun to pointless and lead into a very hollow ending. Cool, the kobold got his gold. Why do I care? But Entenzahn, itís D&D noir! Waste of potential if you ask me.

Still. Best opening.


A Classy Ghost Ė Footprints
Bigfoot hunting
This is a lot like the dog noir story - you have a neat idea, but then you realize that itís not enough to stand on its own leg, so instead of taking it somewhere interesting you hide it from me so you can confuse me with *words* and surprise me with the punchline. Oh poo poo, it was funny all along!! Because he was hunting bigfoot

Slick prose and the ending kinda hints at the story this could have been, and it would have been hella cool, but you should have done it, and committed to it.

Also, who the gently caress is she?


Capntastic Ė Apple Pie
Contract killer(?)
My mind wants to blank out halfway through every time I read this. Itís a 500 word flash fic story and you keep bombarding me with detailed impressions of the scenery - I want you to get to the point! Show me the action! And then you do it, and you show me ALL OF IT. You jump around between ideas, locales and times so quickly I have to hold on until my brain-knuckles turn white and my brain goes ďNoooo mooooreeeeeĒ (because itís hard to be heard over the harsh winds you see) and I start losing my sense over where I am or whoís there with me.

Thereís a decent story here but you need to untangle it.


sebmojo Ė Black wedding
Irish gangst-- wait, nevermind
Originally I was a bit muffled that you jumped over the pivotal scene - the shooting of the priest - but then we already had our fair share of gun violence this week and what you showed me was so well written, so honest and gritty, I just had to enjoy it. What I liked most about this is that it feels so real. The people feel real. And itís still got that noir tinge to it. Well done.

Main caveat is that the revelation comes so late. It verges on a twist ending, but you keep the pace up so it kinda works with the mystery approach itís taking.


Obliterati Ė Just One More
<SaddestRhino> obilerati wrote philip marlowe fanfic and i'm like?????????????????????
This didnít really go anywhere either. You were already disqualified but Jesus Christ dude.


Wangless Wonder Ė Ladysmith
Cop murdered by wife story
Yeah, nice piece. Iím not sure if itís an exposition extravaganza or a story within a story - dancing on thin ice here, bud! Also you have a twist ending but it kinda works because the story that comes before still stands on its own and is in fact enriched by the revelation. I still think it would be better without, but thatís fine, have it your way. Prose is real nice. A solid entry with a faint twist on the cliche. Decent, especially for a first story.

----------

Thatís it. No questions? Good. It was a mercifully short week so Iíll do a line crit for anyone who asks.

Never say I donít do anything for you.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







:siren: Dark and Stormy Crits from week 132 :siren:

General notes from this week:

*Remember: just because there's a dame, doesn't mean they have to be leggy, blond, have long fluttering eyelashes, or an abusive husband. Or die.

*Related: sad people drink other stuff besides whiskey FYI. I mean whiskey is great, but so is gin and vodka. Hell, I wish someone had written about an amaretto-drinking ex-exotic dancer, who's a guy. In retrospect, gently caress you for depriving me of that.

*Goons really like copying TV crime dramas. This is true in any week, but it was super duper acutely true this week.

And now for some leggy crits, soaked in blood and whiskey.

Old Tony
ZeBourgeoisie

I think you tried so hard to subvert cliche in that first line, and because of that, you circled right back around to cliche. Otherwise, this canít decide if it wants to be a whole story or a vignette. If you want your reader to be interested in Old Tony and co, you need to do more to build up your characters and their relationships. Also, whisky sighting number one.

One Last Bottle Before I Go
Screaming Idiot

I hope you people know Iím drinking whiskey every time you mention it. People who get lovely crits further down, blame your colleagues who won the amazing race to cliche town. But so ok thatís mean of me to say. But then oh god a dame walks in? And then your detective protag gets in over his head? The writing actually isnít bad, but itís saying all the wrong things. Well, except the last couple lines. That was bad and lame, donít do that.

Detention
hotsoupdinner

I actually really enjoyed this. It was like an episode of that 90s show Pete and Pete. A line crit would reveal a couple awkward phrases, I think, but all in all, well done. I like that you didnít go full-blown condescending parody; these kids are in a situation that is serious to them. But you gave enough nods to the prompt that there was a distinct noir flavor, even if you werenít like, on the nose about it.

Alley
Ironic Twist

The descriptions in this were really good. There was a lot of story here, even if we literally donít see any of it directly. How did this blind kid get caught up with these guys? Thereís this sense that theyíve been looking after the protagonist, but obviously theyíre not really fit to properly care for him. This is a really fast, poetic piece, and you managed to get a whole story in there to boot.

English Rose
Muffin

Dang, this story and the previous story could be in the same delirious book. What I think is going on here is, youíve got your serial killer on the loose, and Ferguson knows who it is. he can guarantee the protagonistís daughterís safety because of this. The protagonist has to make the tough choice between standing up to this corruption, or taking the easier path, which guarantees his daughterís safety. He makes the ďsafeĒ choice for now, but heís obviously aware of the circumstances. I could be wrong about Fergusonís relationship to the killer, but either way, take note goons. This was done in 500 words, and was creepy and atmospheric to boot.

Tuesday at Work
Jitzu_the_Monk

Iím confused by this story. So this remorseful, pretty blond girl kills herself in a parking garage. Then the protagonist is looking out his window at...that same blond girl? So was the first bit a flashback (e: i meant flash forward)? I assume so. But Iím not really sure, in a story this short, what the point of putting the end first is. I donít know who these people are, and the subsequent scene doesnít really tell me much, except that the narrator is an objectivist and the blond lady appears happy and perfect but is actually sad and abused. You riffed on the ďpeople getting what they deserveĒ thing a lot, but Iím not really sure what you were trying to say about it.

The Long Nightfall
Savagely_Random

Dinosaur Noir. Cute. I donít know how I feel about the narratorís voice, but then again, what is an appropriate narrative voice for a T-Rex? I donít know exactly what about it rubs me the wrong way. Not a very helpful critique, I know. But otherwise, I thought this was a good story. Thereís always something satisfyingly tragic about a powerful creature being brought down by circumstance. In this case, Milo was set up as the antagonist, but of the two characters, he ends up being more sympathetic. Heís afraid. The narrator, on the other hand, is pretty nonchalant and fatalistic. Which is also a totally understandable reaction to impending extinction. But maybe thatís why the tone rubbed me the wrong way--Miloís motivation makes him seem vulnerable and interesting. The narrator is almost 2 cool 4 school. Thanks for not taking a cliche approach though. Or mentioning whiskey.

All In
Jagermonster

This is one of the more lets call it traditional approaches to noir this week (disclaimer, i hadnít looked up the particulars of noir until this week). But at least you had the sense to do it well. I thought you crammed a lot of plot into 500 words, and everything made sense. It added up. I like how your character reacted to circumstance. In my understanding, noir is more about victims. People swept up in the misery of the criminal underworld or gritty circumstances. And I got the sense that you really took that into account while writing this. That said, my very first impression was that the whole ďblood on the fountain penĒ thing in the first line was a little heavy-handed. In retrospect, I like how you carried the whole bookkeeping theme through the story though, so I dunno. These short pieces really make stylistic or thematic flourishes stick out. Iíd make one minor critique:

quote:

I wandered through the city, looking to balance the books so to speak

Donít undermine your own metaphor by saying stuff like ďso to speakĒ. There is something comic book-ish about this line, but it would work a lot better if you trusted your reader to know itís a figure of speech.

Nori is Just an Anagram for Noir
Schneider Heim

Um. I am not the worldís leading expert on noir, but even so, I have to say this doesnít feel too noir. Itís very sweet, and I suppose your characters are victims in the sense that they canít get married. Your title, however, forces me to assume that you were frolicing around the edges of noir, without actually sticking so much as a toe in the genre. This is an ok enough story, and the more I think about it more I can see how you were trying to do a coy nod in the direction of noir, mainly in the paragraph where the girls meet and Nori fends off the jerks. Iím not knocking tooooo many points for genreness, but without the noir mood weíre left with a simple story about two girls in love in a country that doesnít tolerate them so much, which is a great thing to write about. But going a little darker, noir or not, wouldíve made your premise more intriguing, I think.

Rescue
Guiness13

Whiskey mention number three. You people are trying to kill me arenít you. You went for the somewhat prosaic approach this week. A guy is in over his head, loses his daughter, and decides to one man army up to mean olí Tony and get her back. Except, for no apparent reason, theyíve already dismembered the girl. I guess to give the protagonist a reason to kill Tony and subsequently get shot himself. Short, dark stories donít mean you have to kill off the character. There are lots of grim things in life, not just sad dads taking on the mob.

Sardines
Benny Profane

A dame facing the noose tells us her story of ugly beginnings, near-redemption, and total loss. This is probably one of the better takes on the whole ďdown on their luck person falls into a life of crimeĒ this week. Your protagonist evokes sympathy; I really donít want her to be in any of the situations she finds herself in. But she knows which cards she got dealt in life. Mickey is almost the hero, but heís got his own circumstances, and he didnít have any intention of getting wrapped up in a cop-killing for this girl. All in all, good characterization, and in my uninformed opinion you did noir really well.

The Old Breed
Grizzled Patriarch

My only real problem with this was: If this guy is in enough respiratory distress to not be able to speak, surely the police officer would do a cursory check to make sure heís ok. Also, it seems the implication is your narrator is a normal dude who was taking out the trash. I felt like the obliviousness of the other characters was contrived to make a point about how we ignore the disenfranchised. So the scene itself isn't bad, perse, but I felt like in reality it would happen a lot differently. I'll suspend some disbelief in fiction, but in this case I didn't feel like I gained much from that suspension of disbelief. If that makes any sense.

Drowning in It
leekster

Well, Kai actually covered everything way better than I wouldíve, probably. Everyone should read her post because it picks on a lot of things I see pretty frequently in Thunderdome.

I notice people constructing a lot of sentences like: ďWater boiling, the pot steamed on the stovetop.Ē ďRunning quickly, the detective followed the mysterious man down the street.Ē ďGleaming, the river ran through the heart of the city.Ē These are just made up off the top of my head, but itís really passive and disorienting when the action or description comes before the thing youíre describing.

Also, holy tense shifts, buttman. That first paragraph gave me vertigo. But so ok, you settle into past tense after that and it more or less stays there. You spent way too much time telling us about her packing and the rain and the packing and how sheís going to sell her stuff. But itís just actions happening in a void. Obviously sheís leaving someone, but why? Then, in the scene where sheís trying to get out the window, I really could not follow the action at all. I feel like you had a picture of this whole scene in your head, but you couldnít quite focus on the most important parts of it. Kaishaiís comments about blocking--placing your character in the scene--were spot on. Really just print out Kaishai's crit and glue it above your computer.

One Day at a Time
perpetulance

Heroin: Thank God itís Not Whisky. A vignette in the life of a junkie, who must do junkie things to get his fix. I dunno. I think you were going for a descriptive, atmospheric thing, but it fell short. Also sentences like:

quote:

A hand grabbed his neck while a gun poked him near his kidney.

Are too vague. If youíre describing multiple people, you need to specify whose body part is doing what to who. And that was my biggest issue with this piece. I had a lot of trouble identifying where these people were in the scene and what they were doing.

Encroaching
Fumblemouse

drat. This was a really good, gut-churning piece. The jumps in time were a little jarring, but I think you did well repeating the ďI hear footstepsĒ thing. Thereís a lot to this. You crammed four reasonably satisfying characters into 500 words. The weakest was the lawyer, but he was just the messenger so itís better to not waste words on him anyway. I dunno how my fellow judges felt about this, but after I finished reading it I very much felt like you just dropped the mic and walked out and I was all *stunned silence*.

Watching the Watsons
LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE

Oh I get it, the narrator is a dog. And the dog is chasing a spider? And the spider catches him in a bit of web and bites him? And then he has to go to the vet? Iím pretty sure thatís what happened, but the writing made it pretty opaque. Your attempt at a dog-like perspective made the actual story kind of inaccessible. There were interesting, pretty parts, but there were also awkward parts:

quote:

Her vision skirted

What does that actually mean? I think youíre saying she had shifty eyes.

quote:

Blanketed by an odd weapon, it felt cumbersome and irritating

Thereís no subject here. Youíre not telling us who or what is blanketed by an odd weapon, and the way this is phrased makes it read like the weapon feels encumbered and irritated.

The Best of Intentions
Walamor

Iím not really sure whatís going on here. Best I can suss out, some innkeepers are trying to hold out against a faceless mob. Iím not sure why the faceless mob is mobbing, maybe they were contracted as a stock mob to hassle well-meaning innkeepers. The hints at a happier past between Beth and Jaime, and their inscrutable attachment to an inn that is apparently doomed, donít do enough to up the stakes in this piece. Itís just some faceless Bad Guys (well actually, theyíre wearing face paint, so I guess that makes them Barbarians?) trying to pillage some Good Guys, for reasons that arenít really hinted at. I think if youíd found space to allude to some bigger conflict, that wouldíve rounded this piece off better.

Murder Beneath the Mountain
Crabrock

This was pretty good. Plot-wise, you did a nice setup and then quick release. We know the stakes, and then we immediately see the folly of the protagonistís greed. I donít exactly want him to get away, but his escape was cleverly done. The car at the end kind of came out of nowhere, and like you maybe had very few words left to end this, but overall it didnít detract from the nice pacing and plotting you did.

Dirty Lucre
newtestleper

This was a pretty solid piece, but I wish youíd put more of the emotional punch up front. I thought the dialog was well done, not that Iím an expert in corrupt transactions between cops and gangsters. I think I wouldíve liked this even better if the whole bit about cancer rates and reproductive problems were more interwoven with the rest of the piece. As it is, the piece feels a little sparse in the beginning and heavily weighted at the end. The very last scene was nicely done, though. Good job.

Inga: Investigator, Retriever, and Rogue for Hire
Djeser

Iím guessing this was a bit of fun to write. Unfortunately, I felt like you harped on too many well-known tropes, and that always makes a story seem kind of parody-ish or jokey. I think all the judges enjoyed reading this, though. I didnít think the bit where Inga walked into town underneath a horse was terribly realistic. Like, people can see under horses. Also, I thought you spent too much time building up to the tavern scene for a 500 word piece. I dunno, you couldíve skipped her getting into town altogether, I think. The penultimate scene where she gets the jewels feels very glossed over.

Footprints
A Classy Ghost

An animal cop has gotta bring Big Foot down. And thatís really the punchline here, isnít it? That the perp is Big Foot. I have to say, I personally donít like stories where the identity of someone or something is kept secret just so there can be a Big Reveal at the end. Itís like a long road to a little house. Thatís not to say thereís no place in fiction for revelations of identity. But ďitís actually big footĒ isnít really enough to make a story, or even a vignette.

Apple Pie
Capntastic

You tease. There once was a week in TD where the prompt prohibited characters. The setting had to tell the story. And while you have a character, itís really the scene that tells the story here. I like how the story starts off with sort of disjointed descriptions. I donít know who the protagonist is, why theyíre there, or where they are, initially. Normally those things would make me frown, but there was something really rich about the table and the wax and the smells. Like, I kept expecting you do throw something dramatic or gory at me, but you didnít. And I think it was the quietude of this story that drew me to it. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the things I liked about it could be things that would make it totally off-putting to someone else. But this was in my upper-middle pile this week, and I think you should try to do more with whatever you were going for here.

Black Wedding
Sebmojo

Goons, this is how you set a scene. I know so much in the first three lines. Even the description of the sky is doing its share to create a mood. I wasnít overfond of ďcheap whiskey and and expensive regrets,Ē but you are noiring, so fair enough I guess. I liked how you let us believe Danny Shamus was possibly some monster chasing Sally-Ann, but no heís just the sad confused husband caught in the middle of it all. Pickard was well done; she has an ugly past too, and it goes almost without saying that she sees some of herself in Sally-Ann possibly. I like, at the end, you were really trying to drive home the very noir-ish idea of ďwe are victims of our circumstancesĒ. I felt like you kind of hit it too on the nose with ďthe smell a harsh reminder of the chemistry that rules our livesĒ even though I really like the sentiment. In any case, good stuff, keep writing stories like this pls.

Just One More
Obliterati

Iím torn on this one. Thereís something really satisfyingly tragic about this drunk refusing to accept that heís hosed his life and career and likely driven away his secretary and clients in the process. I could see this going on to be some depressing Don Quixote-type story. I think your idea was strong enough that you couldíve dropped some of the cliches--the leggy blond, for example.

Ladysmith
Wangless Wonder

The writing in this is good. The story itself is weak. Itís all tell, leading up to the narratorís suicide. Címon man. So this guy left the force, tried to be a PI, took on some dirty work. Now his sins and regrets have caught up to him. SoÖ? I dunno. This is kind of an excerpt from a monologue of a character who should really have a much longer story, where he can develop into an actual character whose death I care about.

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 23:12 on Feb 17, 2015

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.



Thank you for the crits. It's good to see the dust I have to shake off after a year or two of not writing.

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


bye

anime was right fucked around with this message at 05:50 on Oct 27, 2015

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES


Nubile Hillock posted:

I'm in, with a :toxx: I guess...

My God shall be the blind God of Winter and failed harvests.
I'd love to use your God, NH, but there doesn't seem to be a name. What's your God's name?

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


In

Mendora Ė The Moon Goddess. She casts her faint light into the darkness. Those surrounded by the night pray to her, as do those looking for hope, or hidden truths.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Benny the Snake posted:

I'd love to use your God, NH, but there doesn't seem to be a name. What's your God's name?

Does a god need a name?

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES


newtestleper posted:

Does a god need a name?
The Gods of the oral tradition had names to make them easier to remember. I mean, isn't that the motif we're going for? :shrug:

Walamor
Dec 31, 2006

Fork 'em Devils!


Thanks for the crits you two!

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

Behold my brain the golden throne of my consciousness. In here I am seated. Shackled. From here I police the land.



Benny the Snake posted:

The Gods of the oral tradition had names to make them easier to remember. I mean, isn't that the motif we're going for? :shrug:

Here's some advice: Deal.

Savagely_Random
Jan 28, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Thanks much for the crits, judges. Always appreciated.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.



This is from some cool person's D&D-ish setting but I think this might help some people get their head in the right space

A Classy Ghost
Jul 21, 2003

this wine has a fantastic booquet


Entenzahn posted:

:siren: Week 132 crits - Less is Noir :siren:

Sitting Here posted:

:siren: Dark and Stormy Crits from week 132 :siren:

Thanks for the crits!

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007

by Lowtax


Fun Shoe

Benny the Snake posted:

I'd love to use your God, NH, but there doesn't seem to be a name. What's your God's name?


Being blind he's always listening. Waiting for someone to speak his name so that he may turn towards them, open his ancient hands and blow plagues and poison seed across the land with his icy breath. His name has been purged from human history...mostly.

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019




Great, thanks! One day I will write

Wangless Wonder
May 27, 2009


Thanks for the crits!

PHIZ KALIFA
Dec 21, 2011

#mood


I am in with Dash Winglet, god of Irresponsible Alacrity. As long as there has been motion, there has been a desire for faster motion. Dash is the redline thirst for more More MORE! VRRRROOOOOOM! CRASH! tinkle tinkle

Capntastic posted:

I was in, but now I'm in with a direction.

The Lawgiver's symbols are the circle, triangle, and square. The Lawgiver is always clad in white, and adorned with copper, gold, and brass. The Lawgiver shapes the world through the actions of its millions of devoted servants.

You're going down, Boss Hog! Your law's can't catch me if I never touch the ground. Eat my dust you steampunk blowhard!

starr
May 5, 2014

by FactsAreUseless


In with a :toxx: due to lack of basic reading comprehension.

The Keeper watches the library. The library contains all the knowledge known in the universe, and he is its guardian. He is always reading and always watching.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Here's a list of the gods people have posted.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BSwXNTFT9OkupJQWsrfAf__1XNUV97k0sYzhccRxioM/edit?usp=sharing

Post a comment if I'm missing any

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006



In the beginning, there was already Aloha. In the now, there is still Aloha and he still just wants you to be cool to one another, to be good to the land, to be supportive of local music, etc. He's not technically the god of surfing or adventure (he's more a god of good times, peace, and love) but doing some sick poo poo on a surfboard is certainly one way of gaining his favor.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk







The city of Sophir, far to the east, moves entirely upwards; it crawls up the side of its vast mountain with a profusion of ropes, hanging baskets, cable cars and ladders. Ah is the god of the invisible last rung, always just out of reach. It is worshipped in extremis.

Kaishai will hold a largely complete draft of this story in her cold robotic effectors by 2400 Saturday, 24 hours before closing: :toxx:

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







Hm is the high god of low places. Hm knows that sight is the greatest source of ignorance, and so his followers dwell contemplatively in dark enclaves below mountains and in chasms. His sign is a darkly burning eye.

Also, :toxx: if Mojo fails his :toxx:. That's right buddy if you fail ill be banned and then who will update the prompt links in the OP??? it is essential that you not fail

Sitting Here fucked around with this message at 23:20 on Feb 18, 2015

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.






Sonair only accepts one thing as tribute: sick guitar solos. He is an angry God and he prefers it that way. He imbues his servants with the power to cause rage through their music and revels in the sea of headbangers.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Ent: a fault line is where two tectonic plates meet, and where pressure is released, resulting in earthquakes. Tmyk

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


BLO OD E M PR E SS

of

THUDNER-DOME







its all you're fault

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.



crabrock posted:

Ent: a fault line is where two tectonic plates meet, and where pressure is released, resulting in earthquakes. Tmyk

What a lovely god

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


In with god of ironic failure.


Not really tho. I'm not entering this week.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why did you fail Thunderdome?


Capntastic posted:

What a lovely god

he named it after me so it's cool

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Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


crabrock posted:

In with god of ironic failure.


Not really tho. I'm not entering this week.

No you should write a story about me circa 2014, that'd be cool

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