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angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
in

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angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Blocks. 690 Words.

Mommy wakes me up and one of the blocks is stuck to her head. I know it’s bad so I cry into my pillow.

“Elena,” Mommy says, “You need to wake up, and you have to start acting more grown up...Mommy is almost sixteen now, so I can’t stay.”

“Go away!” I scream into my pillow. I don’t know if I’m yelling at Mommy or at the block that’s gonna take her away from me.

Mommy pulls me up and turns me toward her. I look away but she squeezes my head so I have to face at her.

“Your aunts and uncles will take care of you, and I will too from up in the blocks. I’ll leave you all kinds of nice toys and treats, just like Daddy did.” Daddy hasn't left me anything for so long.

Mommy’s face is red and wet, and her hair’s all messed up so she looks really ugly. But the big black block stuck to the back of her head is just the worst.

“Let’s go play, Elena.”

I don’t want to play, but I listen to Mommy and we go outside. It’s sunny out but the blocks cover up most of the sunshine. I look up at them and wonder which one is Daddy, but they move off the sun for a second and it hurts my eyes so I look away. We get to the playground and Uncle Logan and Aunt Jezzie are there, and a lot of my friends and cousins are too so we play and I forget about all the scary stuff for a while. The really little kids are all chasing the blocks, but they are so stupid because you can never catch a block.”

“Stop chasing them.” I yell, “God! You are all so dumb!”

The little kids ignore me and chase the blocks some more, so me and Vinnie and Ally and some other older kids play freeze tag while the grownups talk to Mommy. The grownups all look sad and are hugging each other and probably crying.

Ally says, “Hey, Elena, my Daddy still leaves me candy, I’ll let you have some.”

We ask our parents if we can go and they say Uncle Logan and Aunt Jezzie will take us, so we find the blocks that Jezzie says spell out “Jay,” which is the name of my Uncle Jay who is dead. Once I learn to read I will be able to see the names of all the dead people instead of just remembering where they are.

We get to Uncle Jay’s blocks and go to the place where he leaves the candies, but there’s nothing there except for stupid stupid blocks flying just above the ground.

Ally hits Vinnie. “You stole the candies even though you know today is my turn!”

“I didn’t steal nothing, I swear!” Vinnie is crying already.

We all look at each other and know what happened, but we don’t wanna talk about it so we just leave. Uncle Logan keeps looking at me with a fake smile because he feels sorry for me.

Every day after that we go to the food blocks, then Mommy trades most of her food away for my favorite candy. I know she wants me to feel better, but I don’t want no stupid candy.

When Mommy starts having trouble, Jezzie comes and stays with us.

“Is it the morning, Elena?” Mommy asks. “I see the sun coming up.”

“No, it’s almost nighttime. The sun is going down. Why are you being so stupid? You’re supposed to be smarter than me!”

Jezzie puts her hand on Mommy’s shoulder and says, “She’s not all the way here anymore, sweetie, she’s mostly up there now.” Jezzie points up at the blocks covering up the sunset, they remind me of mosquitoes on the lake. I hate them so much.

When Aunt Jezzie wakes me up the next day Mommy is gone. Jezzie takes me to some new blocks outside, and there is so much candy and toys there. Jezzie traces the shapes of the blocks and teaches me to read Mommy’s name.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

spectres of autism posted:

Pulling Strings
1332 words


I am doing a free crit of this story in google docs. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1P4QuDFgJ9TE7ImsFSLF4jXL_AzGm_c1Nfi1DpSJry8E/edit?usp=sharing

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 16:25 on Mar 23, 2015

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
I almost wrote friend of the family in one of my stories that won, but i changed it to negro cause crabrock told me to

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
I think number 1, 4, and 5 are best and should go into rotation

we don't really need new banners if the old ones are good

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart


This one is good

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
in

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Posting early to make it less brutal for the judges.

Wesley the Wizard 1298 Words.

In the field outside the cafeteria, Magnus, the eighth-grade Magus, said in his deep voice that no longer cracked, “Throw it!”

Two of his friends hefted a rock the size of Wesley’s head up into the air, and on the count of three they hurled it at Magnus. The girls all gasped while the boys cheered.

Wesley watched Cynthia as the stone flew. He looked at Cynthia every chance he got. She bit her lip and put her hand over her lovely chest. She was enraptured by the powerful Magus, who--Wesley thought--was definitely too old for her.

Just before the rock could knock out Magnus’ perfect teeth, it stopped and hung in mid-air, an inch from his nose. He raised one hand and scratched his stubble, and then--probably to show off that a Magus could cast spells with his mind alone--he put his hands back into his pockets.

Magnus squinted, and the stone exploded into fine powder, which then swirled to a giant heart-shape that floated away in the wind. Magnus bowed, and though he didn’t bow at Cynthia, she squealed to her friends and smiled ear to ear.

Wesley would give up all of his wizard powers to see Cynthia smile at him like that.

He might not be a Magus, but Wesley was a loving wizard. A wizard feared no girl.

He took confident steps, but no one moved out of his way, even after he said “excuse me,” so he walked in a big circle around the crowd, until finally he reached Cynthia. She was with three or four friends, none as beautiful as her, but most were pretty enough to make Wesley sweat. Even powerful wizards feared groups of girls

“A Magus named Magnus...isn’t that a bit much?” Wesley said. They ignored him, probably because he hadn’t made eye contact, or maybe he hadn’t spoken loud enough.

He walked closer, until they all looked at him--looked down at him, because he was so much shorter. Why did sixth-grade girls have to be so much taller than the boys?

What could he say? He’d already used his icebreaker joke, and he couldn’t repeat it because maybe they had heard him the first time.

He said the only thing he could think of, “I’m more powerful than him.”

Cynthia’s friend said, “You’re a magus?”

They were all looking at him now. He was close enough to Cynthia to see the zits on her cheeks and the cracks on her lips: all the imperfections that made her more real and wonderful than any other girl.

“No...I’m a wizard. My name’s Wesley.”

Two of them snickered and looked away, but not Cynthia.

“Can you move and crush rocks like that?” She asked, pointing to Magnus.

“I could, but why bother? I can do way more useful and impressive stuff.”

Cynthia said to her friends, “Hey guys, I’ll be back in a bit. I have to talk to Wesley.” They nodded, not looking at her as Magnus bowed and grinned to his fans. Even the lunch ladies clapped.

One girl with messed up teeth, frizzy hair, and the flattest chest Wesley had ever seen smiled at him.

“Bye, Wesley...I’m Janice.” she said.

“Uh, okay. Bye.”

Cynthia grabbed Wesley’s arm and pulled him away from her friends and the crowd. Her fingers felt like warm feathers full of electricity, and she smelled like roses filled with honey. If her fingers--which were mostly just skin and bone--felt so soft, what would other parts of her feel like?

“Wesley the Wizard, huh?” She said, “Nice to meet you, I’m Cynthia.” She had let go of his arm, but he still felt it tingle. She reached out her hand, and he shook it. Now his fingers had touched her too. This was going really well.

“So, like,” she said, “I know we just met, but I think we can be good friends. I know this is kind of girly, but I’m really really into Magnus, but he doesn’t even look at me because I’m just a sixth grader. The thing is, I know we’d be perfect for each other if he could just look past the age difference and get to know me. My dad is like ten years older than my mom! A lot of famous couples are like that too. Can, uh, your wizard powers help me?”

With each word, Wesley’s heart sunk deeper into his gut. He wanted to protest, to say Magnus was definitely way too old, and also not that great anyway. Instead, he said the only thing he could think of to impress Cynthia.

“Yeah, I can help you.”

“I don’t want like a love potion...I want him to fall in love with me just like in the movies. I just need him to notice me.”

“Okay,” Wesley said. “I know this sounds like a brag, but I’m the most powerful wizard ever born. I’m so powerful that my parents sent me to public school instead of magic school and forbade me from ever using my powers. Ever. But for you, Cynthia, I will use them.”

She smiled at him, just like he’d imagined. She’d definitely hug him after he did this, and he’d get to feel her boobs press against him.

“I can imboob--imbue--phrases with power,” Wesley said, “I’m going to whisper the phrase to you before I imbue it, and you have to say it while you’re looking at Magnus. After you say it, you have to try to forget the phrase and never ever say it again. Ever. The phrase will never lose it’s power, so you use it once and then pretend it never happened. Got it?”

He whispered into her ear, “Pestering frames convoke maladjusted Thesauri.”

After he said it, he raised his hands and mumbled. Unlike a magus, a wizard had to flail his hands around and chant to do any magic. He definitely didn’t look cool doing it, but with one last wave and chant, the phrase was imbued.

“Pestering frames convoke maladjusted Thesauri?” Cynthia said.

“Shh!” Wesley hissed, “Only say it when you look at Magnus! You wouldn’t want to use it on me...and you can’t risk anyone hearing you! It’s too dangerous.”

Wesley already thought she was the most beautiful girl, so nothing changed, he just hoped she didn’t realize she’d actually used the phrase on him.

“Okay,” she said, “I get it...you’re sure it will work?”

“Positive, just say it exactly like that.”

The bell rang, and they had to go back to class.

After the last bell, Wesley waited at the bus loop for his bus, which was always late. He normally saw Cynthia waiting too: waiting for the bus was the best part of his day because he got to look at her the longest. Today though he saw her walking hand-in-hand with Magnus. Of course it had worked, and of course Magnus would fall for her. Who wouldn’t?

She broke from Magnus’ hand and ran to Wesley. Before he could say anything, she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him tighter than even his Mom ever had. Was this first or second base? He wasn’t sure.

“It worked! Wesley, you really are the most powerful wizard! Let’s keep in touch, okay? Magnus is driving me home, even though he’s only fourteen, since he’s a Magus he gets his license early. He’s so cool!”

Just as Wesley thought of going home and making a series of bleak and cryptic tweets, a radiant girl who eclipsed Cynthia in every way walked toward them: she had the most endearing crooked teeth and her hair was wild and unkempt.

“Woah,” Wesley said, “Who’s that?”

“That’s Janice...didn’t you guys meet after lunch?”

“No, I would have noticed her.”

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Claven666 posted:

Not arguing, it was a genuine thanks. Not sure why you're so angry?

There's a tradition in Thunderdome where you don't respond to crits in the thread with anything other than "thanks." It's largely because if everyone responded to their crits, there would be a bunch of noise and posts most people don't want to read in the thread. I think no one generally cares what your reasoning was for doing x or y thing, or why you made a certain mistake. Just fix it on your next story and try to improve. If you do have a response that is a question or you really do want additional feedback, are confused by the crit, etc., you can post the question in the fiction advice thread and people will be happy to answer it.

No one is really "angry" here, but TD has a forced angry tone so that it won't turn into a hug box.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

hotsoupdinner posted:

The Wizard's Song 1265 words



Critting this in google docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Pau8ChbQoBF7Vq2u79D_4AQaFrUcvnf-pCS5h524Rro/edit?usp=sharing

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
It was really cool to see how many people gave nice crits this week...probably the best thing that could happen to help retain all the new people who joined for Wizard Week!

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

crabrock posted:

Benny. You have been told before that editing your entry is a DQ worthy action.

Your entry hadn't been archived yet when you edited it, ostensibly only changing the author that you.... parodied?... but it can't be determined for sure. that's why the rule exists.

YOU CAN'T EDIT YOUR ENTRY POST.

A quick judge meeting has majority ruled that you are DQed.

Seriously dude, follow the rules.

*cheers from the stands for retard death*

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

so are you comparing yourself to the dimwitted dumbass guy who can't do anything properly?

(and you probably think that you later will become the loving KING PIN)

only the first part is true, dimwitted dumbass guy

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
yeah, you're going to shoot me in the bathroom i guess?

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
hello teacher, please see below my submission for this week's TD



edit: durrrrr i'm making an edit to my TD entry which i plagiarized durrrr
edit 2: making sure i trigger the notification that i edited just to be safe
edit 3: how long does this take? id have to be really slow and dumb to not trigger it, it seems
edit 4: seriously 4 edits and it still isn't showing up that i edited it? its so easy to edit and not get caught
edit 5: okay, so it took four tries, the message triggered on my fourth attempt

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 03:54 on May 16, 2015

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
I'm going to be doing FIRST PARAGRAPH CRITS this week for everyone who enters. I will do all of them before judgement is released, but I won't post them until then. I will be focusing like 80% on your first sentence.

After the crit, I will predict based on your first paragraph how good/bad the story will be as a whole. I expect my guesses to be fairly accurate.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
I'll just post this now since I've done all entries so far.

These are FIRST PARAGRAPH CRITS.

It means I judged your story and its likelihood of success solely on the first paragraph. I didn't read anything beyond that.

I will add more as more entries come in.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CapUSdcy5CmcaoOvOGnO0GdQvemOfQ64vLsgt8CW27Y/edit?usp=sharing

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
btw my crits are done, not critting any late people e.g. skwidmonster

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:

new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
In

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Our Immortal Master's Divine Fetus 1497 Words.

Our immortal master lay sprawled on the forest floor, his divine head punctured with a pickaxe.

“What happened?” I asked Jenk.

Jenk rubbed his bruised arm, and some blood dripped down his face. “They caught me off guard. Killed the Master before I could draw my sword.”

“And you didn’t kill a single one?”

He shook his head.

“So they brutally murdered Master Ganura, hit you ever so gently, and just left? What kind of bodyslave lives when his master dies?” I asked.

“Drop it, Yera,” Jenk said, “you was getting your beauty sleep while they beat me up. Guess they was too busy looting the master to finish me off.”

I didn’t trust Jenk, but maybe it was better that Ganura was dead. The dreams had nearly taken him over.

Baldgleich stumbled out of his tent and looked down at the corpse, biting his lip. His fat face looked like an oversized mango, and Jenk and I both glared at him, knowing what he’d say.

“I have to bring him back,” Baldgleich said.

“You don’t,” Jenk said, “he’s dead, so he’s not our master no more.”

“Ganura will never die,” Baldgleich said.

“We could kill you,” I said to Baldgleich. I pressed my body into his back and held my dagger up to his soft neck. His folds of fat spilled over the cool metal, but I didn’t draw blood.

“You’re indentured,” he said, raising his eyes to me, unafraid, “and your contract’s almost up, why risk breaking it now? And Jenk, you already know what happens to bodyslaves whose masters die.”

I gritted my teeth and let go of Baldgleich. He was right.

Jenk grabbed his own sword, but I put my hand on his wrist and said in a low whisper, “Ganura is reasonable. He’ll forgive you, as long as it wasn’t you who killed him.”

He squeezed his sword until his knuckles whitened, and he said, “I didn’t do it.”

“Even if you did,” I said, “he won’t remember what happened. If you run, we’re surrounded by slavers, you’ll just get caught and sold again.”

“Fine,” Jenk said, loud enough for Baldgleich to hear. “This gonna make his dreams even worse though, ain’t it?”

“Yes,” Baldgleich said, “but we can travel for a day while he gestates, and, um, it feels sacrilegious to say so, but he’ll be conveniently easy to carry after he’s reborn. Though he'll grow fast.”

“Get on with it,” I said to Baldgleich, poking him with the hilt of my dagger.

Baldgleich opened his mouth as if forcing a yawn. He opened and shut his mouth several times, then gave up and slammed the side of his jaw with his meaty fist.

“My God,” I said, “this is your one job. This is why you eat even more than our master, and you can’t even unhinge your jaw?”

Jenk drew his sword and slammed the butt into Baldgleich’s face. His jaw cracked open and hung limp.

“Annkkuuu,” Baldgleich muttered, his tongue writing along his soft palate like an engorged worm.

I looked away, disgusted.

I tried to take stock of my potions and poisons, but the sounds from Baldgleich were too distracting.

Against my best judgement, I snuck a look at Baldgleich, and I saw Ganura’s pale white face and dead eyes hanging slack out of Baldgleich’s throat, our divine master’s legs and torso already consumed. Ganura’s arms writhed back and forth out of Baldgleich’s throat, like overcooked noodles escaping the pot. I looked away just as fast, but the wet crunching sounds took on new meaning, and I couldn’t unsee what the sounds implied.

***

“We need to move faster,” I said.

We couldn’t even see the ziggurat over the horizon, which meant we were more than a full day’s walk.

Jenk slapped Baldgleich’s shins with the flat of his sword. “Fasta’! You ‘erd the lady!

Baldgleich’s waddles sped up, but his face turned red, and sweat dripped down his face in thick sheets.

I looked down at Baldgleich’s gut. It was big, but not nearly as big as Ganura’s corpse had been. “Is he really that heavy?”

“It’s not the weight,” Baldgleich said, “most of my energy is being used up to rebuild him.”

Jenk turned to me and said, “You’re lucky you missed it last night, when fatty ‘ere blasted all the extra parts out, and I don’t mean outta his mouth. Never thought I’d see any part of our holy master lookin’ like what I see in my chamber pot after I eat bad meat.”

Baldgleich stopped walking. “How can you disrespect him like that? It’s blasphemous.”

Jenk spat, “I don’t got no fancy contract, and I don’t get to eat all the best food. He ain’t never done nothing special for me, I’m just his slave.”

“Would you really want to trade places with Baldgleich?” I asked.

Jenk grunted and walked ahead of us.

A puff of dirt shot up, and I saw an arrow in the ground by Jenk’s foot. Jenk dove and rolled behind a tree just as another arrow whizzed by.

I got a running start, then tackled Baldgleich down into the thick foliage.

“Oops!” A voice shouted out from in front of Jenk. “I almost hit ya! Did ya burn ‘em?”

“No,” Jenk yelled from behind the tree, “The kaumancer ate ‘em.”

“Which side are you on?” I yelled out to Jenk.

He looked back at me, his brow furrowed and mouth hanging open.

I got on my knees just long enough to toss a throwing knife at Jenk. It pinned his sleeve to the tree, and I raised another one. “Which side?” I asked.

“Ah, I’m on your side!” he said, tearing his sleeve off. “There’s four of ‘em, assassins hired to kill Ganura, but only two are up front. Other two are probably circling around.”

“Guard the front,” I said, “I’ll watch Baldgleich.”

Baldgleich cowered in the dead leaves, and I led us, crawling, to a tree. An arrow sunk into the ground a few feet from us, but I finally got the tree between Baldgleich and the archer. Jenk--assuming I could trust him--could cover our backs. All I had to do was look forward and stop whoever came for Baldgleich.

“He’s coming,” Baldgleich said. “Ganura!”

He wailed and gripped his stomach.

“You’re giving away our position!” I slapped my hand over his mouth.

“It must be the stress,” Baldgleich said, his voice muffled from behind my hand, “he’s coming out early.”

I saw a man with a big hammer rush behind a tree in front of us.

“Cut my stomach open,” Baldgleich said.

“Where?” I asked, lifting his robes and readying the dagger. The assassin would be on us in moments.

Baldgleich ran a line with his finger across his lower stomach, and without hesitation I slit it open. Before the cut was done, I was already up on my feet, and the assassin was taking his last steps toward us.

I darted to the assassin’s side, drawing him away from Baldgleich. He could still ignore me and crush Baldgleich and our divine master’s fetus, but he knew he’d leave his back exposed, and that I’d kill him.

He faced me and swung. He missed, but the air from his hammer blew into my eyes and ears as I rolled away.

I threw my last knife up at him, but it missed his neck and sunk into the thick leather on his shoulder.

He rushed me before I could stand and kicked me into a tree, pinning me with his boot, and despite all air rushing out of my lungs, I jammed my dagger into his side. I held the dagger in him and twisted, and then I heard his hammer slam into the tree. I could still see my hand gripping the weapon, but I couldn’t feel or move it. I looked down and saw the hammer had shattered my arm.

I waited for him to crush my head, and as my vision started to blur, I saw Baldgleich holding the divine body of Ganura, raising him up to the heavens, and despite Ganura’s infantile appearance, I saw understanding in my master’s eyes, and the assassin’s head exploded like overripe fruit just as I passed out.

***

My vision unblurred, and I saw Jenk standing above me.

“Where’s Ganura?” I asked.

“We made it to the ziggurat and Ganura cleansed his dreams or whatever. He let you outta your contract and even freed me, on account of me being so loyal and all.”

I looked down and saw my arm--the one I shouldn’t have had--and the skin was soft and clean. I looked at my hands, and all my old scars were gone.

Before I could ask, I realized what happened, and I threw up all over Jenk’s boots.

“That don’t even phase me no more,” he said, “not after seeing what Baldgleich did to ya.”

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
I hate the ray of hope, the hint of the angel opportunity that was taunted in front of me and cruely snatched away

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
http://forums.somethingawful.com/forumdisplay.php?forumid=214

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
holy poo poo get this out of the thunderdome

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
you should be coöperating with others, not coöpting everything for yourself

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WUF5jnRVnzg6adGFprkZv82xTAJV5RtFNjX08YrjF04/edit?usp=sharing

I crit this story for some reason

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angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I've just been notified that no one could view my comments, which was 95% of this crit. Please try it now...sorry about that.

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