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Entenzahn posted:yeah sure whatever in Screw it man I'm too high to cook anything, let's just have pizza.
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# ¿ Sep 22, 2015 09:31 |
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# ¿ Apr 24, 2024 23:39 |
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Welcome my friend! Pull up a seat. For you I have some Russian pelmeni (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pelmeni)
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# ¿ Sep 22, 2015 11:18 |
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So, my new housemate's vegan - I know, right? All we have kicking around here is some falafel (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falafel).
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# ¿ Sep 22, 2015 23:25 |
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Bompacho posted:In with a due to my absence. This is awkward, but... I never actually learned how to peel these things. Can you pass those prawns?
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# ¿ Sep 23, 2015 00:21 |
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I spent all my money on fancy food for this prompt. Sorry man, all I can afford to get you is an onion.
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# ¿ Sep 23, 2015 03:00 |
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Fumblemouse posted:Also: In. Feed me, Seymour! Oh uh hey Fumblemouse what are you doing tonight? Let's hang out and get some japanese ramen!
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# ¿ Sep 23, 2015 07:07 |
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RedTonic posted:Combo Lunch Special: There's this Greek place in town that doesn't have a menu. You just go and sit down and they bring you food - whatever they feel like cooking that day - and you sit there and eat it and say thank you afterwards - no indecision, no food envy, and it's always different yet delicious. What I'm trying to say is, please join us on the judges' table. Thank you for helping out!
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# ¿ Sep 23, 2015 23:38 |
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Phobia posted:Yeah I'm in, why not? Take a seat by the campfire, we'll make some damper (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damper_(food))
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# ¿ Sep 24, 2015 05:32 |
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Kaishai posted:In. What's the special of the day? A pig's head. Hope the British Prime Minister isn't around.
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# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 01:16 |
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Kitchen closed (like an hour and a bit ago). No more sign-ups. Hope everyone enjoys their meals!
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# ¿ Sep 26, 2015 09:14 |
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Forks down!
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# ¿ Sep 28, 2015 08:00 |
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RESULTS We sure had some stories this week! Sweet, sour, bitter, umami, all the flavours. There were more than a few bad endings, too, so let's hope this result post won't have one as well. THE SOUR There's some stuff I just refuse to eat. All these stories had inexcusable endings. We push our plates away and shake our heads. Oystermen by ZeBourgeoisie is the loser this week. Dishonourable Mentions go to Objector In Red by Froglight and Crunch by kurona_bright. THE SWEET Honourable Mentions to Peacekeeper by Tyrannosaurus, which was snappy and very fun, and to A True Christmas Tale by Bompacho, which was like a charming letter from an Australian pen pal that all the judges enjoyed reading. Well done. The tastiest meal was In Porco Veritas by our winner this week Kaishai. It was a very touching piece. I felt genuine feelings reading this and all judges agreed this was the best story of the week. I expect to see a pig's head in my dreams tonight. THE BITTER We have a fanfic DQ. I apologise for this, since this might seem pretty harsh, but - Grizzled Patriarch, you did a homage to the excellent Australian writer Margo Lanagan with “Chew”. Everyone should go and read her wonderful story Singing My Sister Down. But your story had so many similarities, so many of the same elements, that it's absolutely impossible to judge. Chew is disqualified as Margo Lanagan fanfic. I will elaborate further in my crit post. THE UMAMI Detailed crits to follow from me, probably tomorrow. This post does end well because it's over to you, Kaishai!
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# ¿ Sep 28, 2015 17:23 |
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Judge crits for Sour Green Apple, Prawns, Pizza, Duck Blood Soup, Roast Leg of Mutton, Fish and Chips, Falafel But first, Grizzled Patriarch's Pilav Fanfic DQ Mate. Did you think I hadn't read Singing My Sister Down? Here’s the problem. Every line I read, I think of a famous short story where somebody’s sibling is slowly submerged as an execution, while everybody watches. As soon as I read the start, I thought “Wait, what the gently caress, Singing My Sister Down?". I read on in disbelief. I threw up my dinner. I can't judge this. I’m assuming you meant this as tongue-in-cheek humorous to Margo Lanagan - there’s a wreath reference and everything. But what if I hadn't read her? I would have thought your story was creative and would have been judging it on false merit. Not cool. Screaming Idiot's Sour Green Apple Get to the point! The start is bad - the first interesting bit is Lucifer, and even then, it's not actually interesting. I am reading pointless musing and thinking "god that was a bad paragraph" after each one. I read this story and I wish I wasn't wasn't reading it. There is all this melodrama, description, and it just does not work at all. It’s flat, the voice is borderline juvenile. The reader has no reason to care about anything thats going on and then there’s all this musing evolution bio poo poo. Grab me by the balls with your story! Make the reader give a poo poo! This story the opposite of that. What I did not hate: I laughed when the apple was sour. Metatron, the voice of the Creator I don’t hate. I don’t hate how he talks in bold. But then, what is this ending? DM candidate. Narrowly missed out on a DM. Bompacho's Prawns Great premise. Casual voice is suitable. Needs to be condensed - slow, too much rambling - and seems a bit undercooked. Needs revision and cutting. You need to make every word count in flash fiction! I feel this could have been a stellar piece if you really took an axe to the writing here. So the writing can be sloppy in parts but - it's charming as all hell. I was curious what the other judges would think, since I'm the only Australian of us three, and they had very positive responses - probably because this is legitimately a good story, and it works very well. Nice one! HM. Entenzahn's Pizza Awful voice. Is this humour? This is irritating and a displeasure to read. It's extremely juvenile and not clever at all. Maybe - with proper editing and care - a snarky voice could work in a story like this but, this is just terrible. Stuff actually happens, though, and the events themselves (but not the way they're described) are funny (if you like a certain style of humour). His mum showing up. The ending. Decent stuff actually happens! The stuff that’s happening is actually alright and funny in parts but the voice absolutely ruins everything. worlds_best_author's Duck Blood Soup The concept of the story is good, but the execution isn’t. This reads like a first draft begging for a serious restructure and rewrite. Vomiting the obvious happens a lot. There’s a lot of melodrama, and you also tell us a lot of unnecessary detail. Use your words carefully! Don't describe un-interesting stuff before the reader's invested. A lot of sloppy sentences here. Did you edit? Breaking in and saving ducks? I’m curious here, this is good direction for this story to take, and then… What? The story just ends? Did you use up your word count boring the reader and then go "whoops, time to end this masterpiece"? Very low middle, DM candidate. Guiness13's Roast Leg of Mutton Plenty of conflict and tension. Danger established from the start. It's all pretty straight but it's solid. The writing here’s pretty good, too. Very competent but not very memorable. I don’t much care for the ending. With the fight at the end, also - I kinda had the idea the protag & his brother were regular schlobs and the sheep-stealing men were tough and scary, so it seemed a bit weird to me when the good guys took the bad guys on pretty well? Not a big swing against the story, just an observation. Competent high-midrange piece, but other pieces this week outshined this one. Thranguy's Fish and Chips The first few sentences, I'm with you. Secret menu, a date, cool. And then - black van, action, what? It's awkward and ridiculous but not in a nice way. Protag’s reactions/commentary/voice do not work for me at all. The action feels pointless because I don't care. I’m just reading gratuitous chase stuff and there’s no tension because I don’t give a poo poo. At least Anne shows up again and I’m mildly curious about Anne. This might be a pet peeve, but I cannot stand “pointless” action when the reader has no reason to invest themselves in the outcome. Mysterious black vans, mysterious goons - there is *nothing interesting* about that. We’ve seen it so much in every piece of media oh my god. I do not hate the ending safehouse and the handcuff. I do not hate Anne/the date stuff - in fact, I like her - and I like the very start. But please, I don’t like the crazy crappy action and most of the story was that and its cheap and a waste of time, but it’s sandwiched by not-terrible things. Low pile. MaggieTheCat's Falafel This is the first story to really make me hungry! Some nice lines. Awesome grandpa telling a cool story works for me - its probably personal preference, but I dig this sort of thing. The problem is, this is so clumsy, style-wise. I don't mind the framing of Alif getting falafel and reminiscing (although it needed polish and a bit more *something*). But - you needed to really, really tighten up your writing. I am so cool with the plot but the writing is so goddamn lumpy. It's hard to read! That is a shame because it's a very charming piece and the actual story I legitimately liked (restaurant bit at the end is totally unnecessary, though). There is a lot of telling which does not always work. This story could really benefit from a line by line crit from someone (I might try for one if I have time late week). Here’s a tip: always print your story out and read it out loud. Then, take a red pen, and edit mercilessly. Really try to get mileage out of every word (unlike me with these crits). Okay? Okay. More crits later/maybe tomorrow.
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# ¿ Sep 29, 2015 02:54 |
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Come get your Pelmeni and Oysters right here. Froglight's pelmeni This a long crit because there is so much to say. This was so very close to losing, but in the end, Oystermen just made me a tad more mad than this piece. This is such a mess. You are constantly telling the reader everything. Instead of showing us the characters and the world and allowing the reader to read and figure it out - there is all this exposition. This makes for a terrible read. And it’s not just exposition about the characters - but you have them spew emotional exposition constantly in dialogue, too. That completely deflates a story and turns it into cringey melodrama. Please do not do this! It is very unpleasant to see! There's a useful example I've stashed in my notes from an old forum post - check out the Orscot Scott Card extract, quoted in an old Fiction Writing thread post here. Please read it! Twice! It will help you with your dialogue. I do not like the old adage of “show don’t tell” - I think it’s overly simplistic, since depending on the context telling can be more appropriate than showing, so perhaps it’s better to say “know when to tell and know when to show”. But in your case, you really need to "show, don't tell" Here’s why I’ve been repeatedly punching myself in the face while reading this: there are actually creative parts buried underneath. Like, the concept is fine, there’s actually a story here! Underneath the chaotic storm, tiny creative things lurk in the darkness! If you re-wrote pretty much all the words, this story could work. The wife wants stuff, the husband does too, and there’s conflict and desire and background and interaction - all good things for a story. OK. Here are two more horrible, inexcusable things: Swearing. Do not use it like you use it. It jars the reader and is so juvenile and totally does not fit the tone. The ending. This is SO bad. Never do this! This is “P.S. and then he died”. Maybe, maybe if you mentioned the landmines before and you weaved a thread about it through the story… then maybe it would just be plain bad - but this is absolutely inexcusable and you're lucky to avoid a loss because the losing story committed the same sin. I want you to Thunderdome again because most of the time when I hate a story, it’s because nothing happens and everything is flat and bland and there is no taste and life seems pointless. This story, though, is the opposite - everything is lumpy and misshaped and there are colours and noises and I get nauseous and throw up in my mouth and life seems like too much. This contained nuggets of characters with desires and histories and conflict, and was ultimately somewhat entertaining, despite the chaos, which was the one saving grace. Also. quote:As he walked he had a brief fantasy of drowning Dragana in flour. He immediately felt like an rear end in a top hat, mainly because she was carrying his first child, and secondly because he loved her. I need a drink. ZeBourgeoisie's oysters. This is not good. This is a ridiculous piece that does not know what it is and wants to be, and fails on every premise it promises to establish. Ivan is just musing by himself at the start - there’s all exposition and you’re telling us his thoughts and he's watching oystermen but it's all internal blah blah - this sort of thing is death for the reader's interest and attention. A lone protagonist thinking exposition is almost always an ugly chore to read (so if you're struggling with this sort of thing when writing your next story - it might help giving your protagonist someone to interact with and bounce off). Lots of ugly sentences: “...he thought to himself. “ - As opposed to someone else? “I thought it would’ve destroyed your mind. But here you stand, still capable of understanding speech and everything.” - so much that's wrong in this story is summed up in this sentence. Arrival of biker is the first interesting thing, but then what happens? Biker is just gone? Ivan's with an Oysterman? He just *kills himself* in the end? What’s the story about? Nothing fits together. Exposition everywhere. Ridiculous melodrama. Here's a tip - the more horrible something is that you’re describing, the colder you should be when describing it. If you over-dramatise or tell the reader how to feel, it makes for unpleasant reading. The ending, again, commits the unforgivable sin of "P.S. and then he died". I felt this story had a lot of problems that the Pelmeni piece did as well - but ultimately this was less entertaining and thus drew the loss (it was very close). Sorry, mate. Things need to sit together nicely in a good flash fiction story. You need to establish a premise, deliver on it, satisfy the reader! Present information about the world in an engaging way and trust the reader to piece things together! I need another drink. I hope these notes help you both with your future stories. Morning Bell fucked around with this message at 05:47 on Sep 29, 2015 |
# ¿ Sep 29, 2015 05:29 |
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Remaining judge crits for food week Broenheim's Cake Strong start. I'm immeditately interested about your world. But then - I didn't understand why the dad was killed and wy the protagonist wasn't. Why do people take the cake if his dad was killed? What are the reprecussions? Will he get killed for this? If this stuff is meant to be hidden or implied, I dont think it works for me. In this respect, the piece feels a little undercooked (haha good one, me). I also don't get a very good image of the world of the story. You drop cool stuff but it's not enough to form a picture - I think you could do more, show more. This is not a bad piece at all, though, but feels like it could have been a lot better. Ironic Twist's Chicken Burger I liked this one. Good turn at the start, and I'm interested while I'm reading. This is nice flash fiction. The story keeps on surprising the reader and I like that. Unfortunately, there's a bit too heavy exposition in the dialogue, and ultimately this doesn't feel as smooth as the other entries. I personally think the piece would have been improved if you dropped the truth serum gimmick, and just went with a late-night man with troubles. HM candidate, but didn't quite make it. Fumblemouse takes us out for Ramen I kinda liked this, but voice teeters on the edge of me wanting to punch it in the face. It's wacky and annoying in places, almost obnoxious-high-school-kid or something. Some bits were good - hey, there's two guys ordering ramen and I'm actually with you there - but some parts, like the baseball bat, were too slapstick. This story needed to be toned down a bit. But I did like the set-up - set in one place, two characters are fishes-out-of-water who can bounce off each other - although they could have been more distinct with the way they talked. The ending saved this for me. I really dug the cigarette call-back. And the vomit - I laughed. Good use of humour throughout despite a questionable voice. Killer-of-Lawyers' Goat Tongue So... it's a story, I guess. There's a chance and gunfire, but I don't find it very interesting. I'm not really invested in the characters. The ending was cute, but I found this piece very forgettable. The writing's fine, at least, but everything is a bit action movie and not very interesting. I didn’t like the way you switched to a short “Ara talks” section in first person. Tyrannosaurus's Vietnamese Sandwich I like how Handsome is named Handsome. I like the way the gang lord talks - accent works. When the protagonist lights up the cigarette at the start, I'm already rooting for him. The story works and delivers what it promises. The plot is neat and the use of prompt is neat, too. You certainly packed in a lot of stuff for a flash fic story - not surprised you're right on the word limit. The story does strain a tad under it's length constraint - it would really breathe with a higher word count. Snappy with a good dialogue and voice. I really dug reading this. HM. Kaishai's Pig's Head My notes for this one, as I was reading, were mostly "aww" and "aww no" and "oh poo poo" and "loving Richard". This is because I was invested in the story and the outcome. This is exactly what I want from a story! It was touching. I genuinely felt for the protagonist. I could really picture the restaurant scene, and it was a tasty way to throw the prompt in. I really liked the pig's head dreams. The writing's rich and good, but for me, it moves just a little slow in parts - occasionally slightly unwieldy and a little heavy toward the 'tell' side of showing and telling. kurona_bright's Crisps. Aw mate, why did you do this to us? This is half a story. You just... end, and nothing gets resolved to any satisfaction. This is a middle finger in my face! The writing isn't terrible or anything. You have too many sentences doing the same job - try to be more concise and make sure there's no needless words. Crunching on crisps while in danger is a nice element. It's not ungodly and I'm fine with your start and all but we do not get any satisfaction at when we hit the end. That's a terrible thing for a story to do. The woman is just “tall and young?” She’s down gently caress-knows-where, I need to know - does she look nuts or normal or crazy or like she lives down here or not or what? Stuff gets clumsy when she shows up. It's kind of like you spent some time on writing the start, then rushed the middle, saw the word count and the time, and just hit submit. Dr. Kloctopussy's Hakarl This was a disqualification - since there was both no sign-up and a late submission, it would be unfair to the other entrants to include this. The title immediately got my attention. I did like this one, though! Creative concept and good use of prompt. Neat ending. Neat framing with the dialogue. God, her sister's awful. A couple of tone changes when Marja is talking are strange. She's also a bit too swear-y, to the point where it lessens the effect of her being genuinely upset. Okay! I'm full.
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# ¿ Sep 30, 2015 13:49 |
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In
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# ¿ Oct 7, 2015 06:21 |
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http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4101&title=Goodbye%2C+Bucharest
Morning Bell fucked around with this message at 01:08 on Oct 15, 2015 |
# ¿ Oct 12, 2015 02:15 |
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In
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# ¿ Oct 16, 2015 03:42 |
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http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?week=167
Morning Bell fucked around with this message at 08:46 on Oct 20, 2015 |
# ¿ Oct 19, 2015 04:07 |
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Thunderdome CLXVIII: She Stole My Wallet and My Heart Han Solo, Moll Flanders, Ostap Bender, Falstaff. Captain Malcom Reynolds. The big-eared bartender from Deep Space Nine. This week, I would like you (yes, you!) to write me a story about a loveable rogue. Give me a charming bad-girl or bad-boy rascal who plays by their own rules. I want fun, adventure, intrigue! Swing off a chandelier, seduce that handsome prince, and make off with the Picasso he's got up in the study. Hop aboard a moving tram to escape that chess club you just swindled. Steal my new Camaro, crash it, but make me love you anyway. Genre stories are obviously cool, so write about space swords or wizard oceans or dolphin-men if you want. It is also OK to write a non-genre story because you are a serious adult who owns an ironing board. Don't feel like you need to write an action piece. Do feel like you need a fun story and an interesting character who is a likable rule-breaker we are charmed by and root for. The loveable rogue is a common character trope so it'd be nice if folks stretched for some originality in other ways (but I know even us loveable rogues don't always get what we want). Do not write fanfic or erotica. Please write up to 1,300 words about your loveable rogue. Because loveable rogues in media are usually dudes, and because I will drown myself in wine if I read too much about smarmy cliché chucklefucks winking at sea princesses, you get 1,600 words instead if your loveable rogue is female. I Play by My Own Rules The rules this week: Prompt: A story about a loveable rogue. Word Limit: 1,600 if it's a female loveable rogue. 1,300 otherwise. Signup Deadline: 2359 Pacific Time (PDT), Friday Submission Deadline: 2359 Pacific Time (PDT), Sunday We'll Catch You, Just You Wait! Laying down the law this week will be our judges: Morning Bell Broenheim RedTonic Our Ne'er-Do-Wells anime was right newtestleper Fumblemouse Sitting Here Killer-of-Lawyers Chairchucker Screaming Idiot ZeBourgeoisie MaggieTheCat Mercedes Thranguy Bad Seafood Lazy Beggar dmboogie Obliterati Grizzled Patriarch paranoid randroid theblunderbuss NIka crabrock Kaishai Morning Bell fucked around with this message at 05:00 on Oct 24, 2015 |
# ¿ Oct 20, 2015 05:39 |
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Sign-ups? Closed (like an hour ago). Let's get loveable!
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# ¿ Oct 24, 2015 09:45 |
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Why aren't submissions closed? Did someone leave the doors open? No more submissions.
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# ¿ Oct 26, 2015 09:06 |
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Alright listen up This was a fun week. There were several strong pieces and I even enjoyed reading a few of them - thank you for only making me want to throw up a couple of times. There were also more than a few common problems amongst several stories and I'll elaborate on the many ways you have disappointed me in a crit post in a couple of days - there's a lot to say. All in all, though, good stuff this week. Let's see how everybody did! Hanging out in a back-alley, smoking rollies, huffing paint from a can What dishonourable mentions? You were just too loveable. We couldn't do that to you. The judges felt there were no stories that warranted any dishonourable mentions so there are none this week. There is however, a loss, and it that goes to Cult Classic by anime was right. This had a lot of issues and was a very difficult piece to read. Leaping out a window, lip-stick mark on one cheek Our honourable mentions are The Tale of Shirin Who Was Not a Princess by theblunderbuss, which was a pretty and very well crafted piece, and the touching and witty Though throwing a treat into a ventilation shaft doesn’t work for Terry by crabrock (which had a stellar rogue to boot). Having saved the day, riding off into the sunset is everybody's favourite rogue Kaishai with Taking Notes. The writing is gorgeous, the setting is just great, the story is solid. All of the judges were very impressed. Thank you for a good week, everybody! Take it away, Kaishai!
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# ¿ Oct 27, 2015 03:28 |
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What I Did During Week 168 by M. Bell (age 9). This week was good! It also had lots of one-dimensional characters and pointless action, which was not good. Regarding the former, there’s a post in Fiction Advice by Dr. Kloctopussy that would help a lot of authors: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3495955&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=161#post451883035 Regarding action - a lot of it felt meaningless. Action scenes have no tension if we don’t care about the stakes. If someone is fighting a mob boss or escaping a wizard, I want to know what's a stake and I want to care about what happens if they succeed or fail. Even if the action is super clever and everybody yells witty zingers, that’s not enough. if I don’t give a poo poo, it’ll leave me flat. This happened a bit this week. As RedTonic said, judging was interesting. We all liked this week but there wasn’t that much consensus about our winners and HMs. The other judges hit a lot of excellent points in their crit posts. My notes for each story are below. Arron and the Imp The dialogue is super cliche. Arron speaks like a bad B-movie villain. I like that this story doesn’t waste many words on description. Paragraphs are sparse and concentrate on the characters. However, the settings details that are present are very generic and don’t give me a good feel for the setting. Sparse details is good but they’d work better if they were specific and creative. What’s the motivation for the imp? Why is she doing this? Why is there love? That’s a major failing of the story. Arron’s conflicted feelings about the imp are good and Lucifer-dad is good but this could’ve been so much more. This did have a certain charm, too. Fun, though. Low / Middle pile. A Sprinke of Love Immediately, there’s movie-itis (You don’t have to tell us every action characters perform - lines like "they left the car and went in the building" are unnecessary). Bad start. Cut everything before “Detective Stark, what a pleasant…” and it’s so much stronger. Exposition through dialogue feels a bit forced, too. But I like the dialogue, other than that. Each person has distinct voice. This is pleasant enough to read and I’m along with it but it’s all very straight and not really interesting, at the end. When I turned off judgemode, I recognised you from the falafel story from food week. Thank you for entering again! Your writing is much cleaner in this piece, but the ideas just aren't there. Low / Middle pile Give Him The Finger I don’t personally like this genre and style, so take my words with a grain of salt. I’ll try to be objective. The rogue too over-the-top at times, although she’s interesting enough for what you’re doing (props for that). The mech is probably good too, if you’re into that sort of thing. Some of the jokes… uhhh, please don’t do this. We’re not children. This is too wacky. Needs to be toned way down. To be a massive dick for a second - much of this story reads like "nerd edgy-humour" stuff, and many parts are juvenile and irritating (although there are some good lines here and there, too). Half-way through I expected this story to bore me to death but the husband-reveal, and the ending, added a much-needed dimension. Objectively-speaking, this is probably middle-of-the-road OK stuff (subjectively-speaking this is a bouquet of tropes that I do not dig). Some of the details were great (I know people who roll cigarettes from the pocket remains of cigarettes) and some were cringe-worthy. One judge had it for a DM candidate and the other for an HM (I think?), and I was satisfied to see it flop around in the swampy middle pile. Bro’s advice about ~being true to yourself~ is sweet and probably spot on. I don’t know you very well, but it did feel like you were trying very hard to write what you think a cool story should be like? I know every time I’ve done that in the Dome (which is a lot), I've ended up flopping hard. I’d love to see you forget tropes and cliches and just write about something you really give a poo poo and care about. Turn off your TV. Bleed all over that keyboard (metaphorically). A very swampy middle pile. Couldn't be more middle if it tried. The Tale of Shirin Who Was Not A Princess Very competent. I like this. Good setting, character, writing. Good start. The thing is, nothing touches me in the heart or really makes me feel this. It’s all nice and well-done but this story doesn’t make me care super much. Shirin’s ruse felt a bit unrealistic - did she really think that’d work? Anyway, maybe the tension is off or there was a fly buzzing around while I read this. It didn’t really hit me, but I think that’s subjective. This is legitimately pretty good. Other judges liked it more. HM candidate. The Rake’s Progress Prose is too flowery. This works in bits (Hopeless fool! Miserable romantic!) but the whole way through - it’s irritating. Does the protagonist really think like this, all the time? Does anyone? I really like the foppishness of the protagonist - mirror basin razor, nice touch. He’s definitely a rogue, and not that loveable, but I really like that - he’s got thorns. “Too foppish. See you at the gallows, fop” is probably line of the week, too. This over-explains and does not trust the reader. This is a huge problem. For example: It was a reminder of the world outside, so long denied to me and soon to be forever lost. Cut that sentence. Re-read that paragraph. It's much stronger now. Let the reader work things out. I didn't like the ending - boring. Middle Low Pile. Cult Classic This is really not good. I don’t like the writing here. It's confusing. I literally have to re-read paragraphs. Please read your story out loud before submitting. This piece communicates with the reader very poorly and was a massive chore to get through. There is genre stuff but I have no feel or image of the setting. I’m not there - there’s just strange words on a page and I'm struggling to follow them. No evocative details, just sloppy strew. I cannot imagine or feel anything. I’m drowning in word-soup. I have no sense of Crow, I don’t care, I’m not invested. The whole thing is very one-dimensional, and this is killer for a prompt like this. Sorry, mate - in a weaker week, this probably wouldn’t have lost, because it's not an abomination or anything, but this was clearly the worst story of the lot during a strong week. Low pile, DM/loss candidate. Gloria Tuesday and the etc etc First impression: clumsy sentences. They’re too long and full of bad exposition. Before submitting a story, please read it out loud - that helps catch stuff like the word-porridge in the opening paragraph (and in a lot of others). A lot of these bloated sentences are a chore to read, too. Much less detail, sprinkled in the right places, would fix issue. The setting is cool. The Brass Kaiser, Gem of the East. Gloria Tuesday. Evocative names. Last line was a nice touch, too. There’s too much setting though! Cut poo poo out and make me care about Gloria. Give us something more than just a one-dimensional action hero. Fun, good feel. One-dimensional character can’t carry a flash fiction piece. Take an axe to this and add some depth, and this could be great. Middle pile. Could really dance with heavy editing. I Used to Be An Adventurer Like You Are you loving serious? The character has a strong, engaging voice. Her relationship with Martin, her motivations, feelings, desperation, are all very well executed. This piece hooked me from the beginning and kept me hooked to the end. This is a good story. The bit where the protag was getting shot at was weak, though. It’s the relationship between Martin and her that makes this sing. gently caress you. This was great. Two of the judges would have probably been OK with a win for this. HM Tower of Cortes Starting with focus on the non-POV character jolts the reader a bit. Oh gently caress, this writing is so pretty. I read this three times in a row. The end came on too sudden. The decision to erase the map was a bit easy. Somewhat of a letdown. Even so, for me this is a strong HM / win candidate Taking Notes Good writing! And there she was with the smell of the dorm smoke clinging to her brassy hair, which needed a trim. Ah, well. I dig this. This is pretty and competent writing and a neat setting. The call-back to the game at the start is very well done. It’s fun without being wacky or silly. The story and the plot is a little by-the-numbers, though. It’s still a solid entry, but I don't think this was anyone's first choice for a win. This took the week by consensus. It’s a hard one to fault, but it was a bit straight for me. HM/win candidate Though throwing a treat into a ventilation shaft doesn’t work for Terry is a title I really like. I laughed out loud several times. Good end. Touching. Good writing. I love this rogue. This rogue is a real rogue. Here’s my issue with this piece: most of it happens as recollections. Kinda feels like it’s perfect-past tense instead of past, you know? So that takes a lot of oomph and drama out of it. When the three men attack, for example, there’s not much tension because it’s the protag recollecting everything. This deflates your baloon. Legitimately touching. HM candidate. Chase in the Lisbon Hilton Too much action at the start. I only start to care about the story when we find out about the banner and her Estonian friend (and not a great deal - it’s not that engaging). I need to know what’s at stake to care about action sequences. I don’t mind this but it needed so much less action and so much more depth. Like, this reads like a first draft except the writing style has been cleaned up and polished a bit. Sure, you've got these words, you know what happens and what the story is about. Sure, doing BMX stunts and protesting with banners is pretty neat. Now, if this was re-written from scratch to have way more attention on the people and their relationships and the protest and its implications - and way less attention on BMX stunts - you could have something that really glows. Please check out my notes for Going Rogue by Fumblemouse - they apply to this story, too. Middle. Theatrics Again, a story that starts with action. I won’t care about action without context. However, I like the voice of the protag. Endearing. So I care a little. Goes full-bore with the character voice, which I respect. Other stories this week trump this one because it’s a tad one-dimensional, still. Our protagonist is so awesome and there’s awesome action - and that’s actually not interesting at all. Her take on the world is actually interesting, though, so the story held together by her voice and her thoughts, which are really cool and fresh and I like it - but nothing really changes from beginning to end. I'd flag it for an HM if it had depth. There’s a lot of ‘telling’, but I think it’s appropriate for the story, sure. High Middle Captain Nobeard and the best story title this week I’m grinning while I read this. This is great. Writing is solid. Wonderful economy of words. The Captain sure has an adventure! The thing is, if this kid stuff doesn’t work for you, there’s not a great deal to go on. We’re home safe and the world hasn’t really changed. Still, for me, strong HM / Win candidate Going Rogue Writing is competent enough, setting’s well-done too, but this didn’t do it for me. The dragon bit is neat. I think you found the real interesting part of the story at the very end - her father (who we don’t even see). Again, this is one of those times (like with newtestleper’s story, as well) where you write a piece, and the piece is passable and there’s nice details and some bunting and lacey curtains and whatnot - but then you realise you’ve glossed over the real interesting bits while concentrating on the window dressing (I say this because I do this a lot in my own writing, except without the “real interesting bit” part). The nugget, the core of the story that can really makes this sing, would be the stuff about Tamsyn’s father. So a re-write of this, putting that bit in focus, would've been great. Middle. Room Service Snappy writing and cool action. That doesn't do it for me, unfortunately. This was a last-minute sub and I’m impressed that it doesn’t show with your writing style, actually - I wouldn’t call this rushed or anything. It’s nice and crispy. I know you were worried about the action. The action in this piece is very good. The problem is there’s not enough context behind it to make the reader care. The characters are evocative and the rogue is witty and it’s a well-done piece, but without knowing and caring more about what’s at stake, without more depth, even good action writing is going to leave the reader flat. Middle Hey alright thank you for a nice week! Morning Bell fucked around with this message at 07:02 on Oct 28, 2015 |
# ¿ Oct 28, 2015 03:25 |
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oh my god yes in
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# ¿ Dec 1, 2015 05:11 |
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Our Most Illustrious Lady of Science 1,092 words She smelts cannons for the Mouse King, drains moats for the The Northern Dukes, carves the Baby Pope a bathtub made of Ottoman helmets. At the Siege of Summer, she proves the moon is made of numerals, and a host of imaginary numbers descend from the sky and scatter the attacking hordes. She infiltrates the Sundown Sultan’s retinue and disproves the existence of triangles in his kingdom, so his bridges collapse and his towers lies in ruin. And I am at her side. Every night I record each victory, each word she utters, each breath she draws, in the Book of Her Tales. Her favourite fruit is melon, her favourite song, the Volga Boatmen’s March. When she sleeps, her hair is sunlight and each breath a wind-chime. Her bare chest, rising and falling, is the heartbeat of my world. She is the Most Illustrious Lady of Science. I am her Guardian. I speak the language of blades. My eyes spot a spec of dust on the sun’s surface My ears hear a mole’s heart-beat from atop a cloud. I love her and will never have her. A Guardian is, as tradition dictates, an eunuch. And I am at her side in Southport, in the bazaars of dream and spice, where each smile is a knife. I wait for more victories, more words for the Book. Here we are by the ocean. Here we are in the Lady’s silk tent. The two Cardinals-Who-Hate-Children kneel at the Lady’s feet. Before them, a chest overflows with golden coins. “Our Most Illustrious Lady of Science,” they chant. “We beseech your help. Our Maharajah is old and feeble. Each day, he walks through the city, as is our custom, and the children pinch his wrinkled skin and call him a peach, and each day he resembles a peach more and more. Please, replace our Maharajah with a thorned rose, so these children of Southport may bleed and learn humility!” The Lady bites her bottom lip, as she always does when in contemplation. “We shall see”, she says. The Youngest Cardinal gazes at my Lady like a wolf gazes at a sheep. He is young and handsome. Beneath his tight robes, his biceps are cannonballs. The Lady gifts him a smile, and my heart splits in twain. # “You long for her,” the Oldest Cardinal says. I’d heard him approach. My dagger is ready, even as I listen to the song of seagulls and write in The Book of Her Tales, scribbling each words spoken inside my Lady’s tent while she confers with the Youngest Cardinal. His speech is all sweetness and praise. Each syllable is an arrow through my soul. The air smells of salt and night. “You love her, yet you wallow in torment,” the Cardinal says. I ready my dagger. “Mock me and I will paint the sand crimson.” “Fool. She will never love you, since you are no man. My Cardinal-Magic can restore what was once lost. Perform one trifling task for me and I shall restore your manhood - eunuch no longer! Then, mayhap, she may love you. Or she may not - love is fickle, beyond all magic.” The Oldest Cardinal’s eyes are kaleidoscopes. The colours turn, and in them I stand tall and naked and complete again. “Lend me your Book for five minutes, and on the morrow, I shall make you whole. Permit an old man his curiosity. What harm could it do?” # My Lady wears a gown covered in roses. She is the new Maharajah of Southport. Children scream and flee on her approach, and do not dare touch her. The few that did nurse bleeding fingers. The air is sweet with her flower-smell. The Youngest Cardinal walks beside my Lady. They speak of trifling things - of the flight of sparrows, of fruits never tasted, dreams never dreamt. I walk behind them, alongside the Oldest Cardinal. My silence is heavy. We stroll through the many-coloured silk tents of the bazaar, and the people bow as we pass. Somewhere in the distance, a sitar plays softly. But then, my Lady slows her pace. My Lady slurs her speech. I rush to her side, just in time. With a soft sigh, she falls unconscious in my arms. Her pulse is weak, her lovely face, pale. And the Oldest Cardinal cackles. “Finally!” he yells. “Revenge for my Uncle, the Sundown Sultan, whose palaces the Lady destroyed! Foolish eunuch. Five minutes with the Lady’s Book was enough to deduce that she possesses a fatal allergy to the smell of Southport roses in the mid-afternoon!” Of course! I should have known! I hold her nose shut to slow the allergy effects. I shout for help, but who can help her, now? And then, the Youngest Cardinal is at side with a carafe of wine, taken from a nearby merchant’s tent. “This is the most potent stench in all of the Sword-Seas!” He speaks rapidly, his eyes wide. “Pour it over her gown of roses! Their smell will be masked by the wine!” I douse the Lady in wine, from head to toe, the blood-red Merlot flowing over her pale skin like blood, The stench is putrid, sickly-sweet. Around us, on-lookers pinch their noses. Her eyelashes flutter. I breathe relief and stroke her golden hair. The Oldest Cardinal turns to flee, but he is too old, too slow. I leap upon him. I drive my dagger into his stomach, cradle his body as he falls. My only chance at man-hood lies dying in my wine-stained arms. “My reward, old man,” I hiss. “Where is my reward? Work your Cardinal-Magic with your dying breath if you must!” He laugh, and the blood that flows out of his mouth is rainbow-coloured and faintly luminescent. “You could only have regained your manhood, eunuch, had you spurned my offer me,” he whispers. “Cardinal-Magic works only on the faithful. Your betrayal of the Book seals your fate.” There is a stern cough, and then the Lady - stripped of her rose-suit, soaked in wine - looms above me. Her face harbours a thousand thunderclouds. I kneel at her feet, beat my head against cobblestone, beg forgiveness, but her eyes are frozen pools where no mercy can dwell. “You have betrayed me, and I banish you from my service,” she says. “I have found a better servant than you.” The Youngest Cardinal beams like an eager child receiving praise. “Come,” she tells him. “I will perform the ceremony and appoint you as my new Guardian. There is just the matter of the procedure. As tradition dictates…”
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# ¿ Dec 6, 2015 23:38 |
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Thunderdome is super. Writing to prompts and receiving harsh and honest crits is absolutely invaluable, please remain your bitter and insulting kayfabe selves in 2016 and I will do the same. Also everyone here is cool and you have all helped my writing so much this year, so thank you, dome. Also a confession: I hate anime.
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# ¿ Dec 29, 2015 03:40 |
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# ¿ Apr 24, 2024 23:39 |
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hi i have a question about word count is it ok i f i exceed it by a bit? my story is based on anime and my story deserves the extra words b/c it will be better than the other stories also i am posting from my mums computer and it does not have a word count program. regarding the crits that i recieved, my response to each one will follow shortly.
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# ¿ Jan 5, 2016 06:58 |