Ask me about being an exceptionally attractive gamer

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Ask me about being an exceptionally attractive gamer

Avshalom: Feb 14, 2012; by Lowtax

Hi, everyone. Sexism and misogyny in games has been getting a lot of attention recently because of GamerGate, but one of the voices that's been missing is the attractive gamer perspective. As a person with striking good looks and sex appeal, I am often marginalised by the hostile online community - in all spheres, not just gaming, but gaming is where it's most prevalent. I thought I'd give you an opportunity to ask questions of a demographic that's rarely heard from in gaming discourse.

Some background: I'm thirty-eight years old. I play a range of games, but I'm most active on Mothership Premium, Cave of the Imp Queens, Dragon Duel Unlimited, and Ultima Online. I've been sexy for as long as I remember. Apparently I was a pretty average baby, but around the age of six months I developed into a creature of such celestial beauty that my mother had to wheel me around in a veiled pram. My vagina is like a precious shell washed ashore from far-off locales, pure pink and delicate, but with a quiet strength that even years of sand and wind cannot undermine. I play nude, kissed by the rainbow light of my computer screen, my crotch stirred into pulsing erection as I enter my log-in details and slip into the virtual dream of a fantasy world. Most of my avatars are mediocre in appearance. I try to hide my true self for reasons that I'll explain shortly.

Experiences: The people that I game with generally don't know I'm sexy at first. I disguise my unique charisma with unorthodox capitalisation and deliberate misspellings, which is just one of the hoops I have to jump through in order to be accepted by these communities. Unfortunately, I can't keep my real personality under locks for very long, and I've found that no matter how much effort I go to, some guildmate or PvP opponent eventually becomes infatuated with me and does some detectiving. My name is rare and exotic, so photos of me are all over Google Images. Most have been taken by awestruck bystanders so they're unfocused and of poor quality, but even a lacklustre picture shows the awful truth: I am incredibly, supernaturally attractive.

Once I've been caught out, my secret doesn't stay kept for long. Even my friends struggle with envy and feelings of inadequacy. They lash out the only way they know how, by telling everyone they can that I'm a sexual god masquerading as a normal person. For what it's worth, although I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a real friendship (this happens offline as well as online - in fact, the jealousy is much worse offline, as people are constantly confronted by the sight of my supple, rounded buttocks, firm yet lightly elastic, like peaches on the cusp of springtime ripeness), I understand and forgive this behaviour when it occurs. I must. The alternative is complete social isolation.

Others' treatment of me changes as soon as they find out that I'm beautiful. Where they once joked and chatted with me as if I was just like anybody else, they're now torn between adulation and resentment. They're stunned by the picturesque magnificence of my penis, which is tremendous: a long lithe rope of pure muscle, its toadstool head perfectly tender and forever questing for unexplored new depths. My scrotum lurks waiting in the boundless cavern of my thigh gap. I find myself subject to constant verbal griefing and lewd comments. For some reason, other players are often fixated on my anus, a luscious pinpoint rimmed by a lazily undulating wreath of rear end cheeks that draws in every penis within reach, as if by magnetism. They describe their longing to plunge deep into the warm and salty ocean of my sexuality. I wearily stretch my naked body, delighting in the complex interplay of my muscles, the delicate curve of my spine, my breasts like mounds of fresh uncooked steak, my immaculately groomed hair that seems to brim with its own internal sunlight. My manhood is as hard as concrete. I am magnificent, intimidating, heartbreaking: a man-eating tiger of lust, on the prowl for unsuspecting vaginas.

What can you do to help?: More and more attractive people are taking up gaming as a hobby, even though the established community is so unwelcoming. You can do your part to make it more comfortable for us by not treating us any differently from garden-variety average or ugly gamers. If you wouldn't offer your naked self to a person that you knew was middling at best, then please don't prostrate yourself naked before me, every fibre of your body tight with longing and anticipation as, deliciously slow, with meticulous care, I slide aside the furred and purplish drapes of my labia. My heavenly hole is unveiled inch by inch. It is a revelation, my molten cooch, pink-lipped and slippery like a salacious oyster. Beaded with sweat, hooting seductively, I lower myself down upon you. My bosom heaves. My erection quivers. Slowly but surely, my scrotum begins to envelop you. It is time. Let us have sex.

That's about all I have to say for now. Please ask me anything about my experiences. Don't be shy - no question is too private!

Edited for spelling.

Avshalom fucked around with this message at 03:11 on Jan 2, 2015

# ? Jan 2, 2015 03:07

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 18, 2024 03:13

Iseeyouseemeseeyou: Jan 3, 2011

would

# ? Jan 2, 2015 04:46

silencekit: May 1, 2014

Iseeyouseemeseeyou posted:

would

wood*

# ? Jan 2, 2015 07:05

jabro: Mar 25, 2003; July Mock Draft 2014

1st PLACE
RUNNER-UP
got the knowshon

I don't see it.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 09:03

Avshalom: Feb 14, 2012; by Lowtax

jabro posted:

I don't see it.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 09:39

HEY GUNS: Oct 11, 2012; FOPTIMUS PRIME

Hey Av, good to see you again. How's it/they hanging?

# ? Jan 2, 2015 09:41

Avshalom: Feb 14, 2012; by Lowtax

HEY GAL posted:

Hey Av, good to see you again. How's it/they hanging?

Hey Gal! They are hanging like a bunch of veined and ruddy coconuts, softly pulsating as they await your magic touch.

# ? Jan 2, 2015 09:47

SnowblindFatal: Jan 7, 2011

*posts a 5 page essay about gender roles in gaming culture and ends it with a question whether it's actually women who cause ruination upon themselves*

# ? Jan 2, 2015 17:08

Absurd Alhazred: Mar 27, 2010; by Athanatos

Shlomit, how do you express your love for Arik through your choice of games and game avatars?

# ? Jan 3, 2015 03:01

Avshalom: Feb 14, 2012; by Lowtax

I try to keep my indomitable passion for Arik close to my chest when gaming, as it just adds to the host of differences that have me oppressed and shunned by the unwashed masses.

# ? Jan 3, 2015 06:47

HEY GUNS: Oct 11, 2012; FOPTIMUS PRIME

Avshalom posted:

Hey Gal! They are hanging like a bunch of veined and ruddy coconuts, softly pulsating as they await your magic touch.

how many are there

# ? Jan 3, 2015 08:10

Avshalom: Feb 14, 2012; by Lowtax

HEY GAL posted:

how many are there

Countless.

# ? Jan 3, 2015 08:47

HEY GUNS: Oct 11, 2012; FOPTIMUS PRIME

Avshalom posted:

Countless.

# ? Jan 3, 2015 08:49

Avshalom: Feb 14, 2012; by Lowtax

# ? Jan 3, 2015 09:06

Farmer Jimbo: Mar 11, 2005; CC Plox.

Avshalom posted:

Hi, everyone. Sexism and misogyny in games has been getting a lot of attention recently because of GamerGate, but one of the voices that's been missing is the attractive gamer perspective. As a person with striking good looks and sex appeal, I am often marginalised by the hostile online community - in all spheres, not just gaming, but gaming is where it's most prevalent. I thought I'd give you an opportunity to ask questions of a demographic that's rarely heard from in gaming discourse.

Some background: I'm thirty-eight years old. I play a range of games, but I'm most active on Mothership Premium, Cave of the Imp Queens, Dragon Duel Unlimited, and Ultima Online. I've been sexy for as long as I remember. Apparently I was a pretty average baby, but around the age of six months I developed into a creature of such celestial beauty that my mother had to wheel me around in a veiled pram. My vagina is like a precious shell washed ashore from far-off locales, pure pink and delicate, but with a quiet strength that even years of sand and wind cannot undermine. I play nude, kissed by the rainbow light of my computer screen, my crotch stirred into pulsing erection as I enter my log-in details and slip into the virtual dream of a fantasy world. Most of my avatars are mediocre in appearance. I try to hide my true self for reasons that I'll explain shortly.

Experiences: The people that I game with generally don't know I'm sexy at first. I disguise my unique charisma with unorthodox capitalisation and deliberate misspellings, which is just one of the hoops I have to jump through in order to be accepted by these communities. Unfortunately, I can't keep my real personality under locks for very long, and I've found that no matter how much effort I go to, some guildmate or PvP opponent eventually becomes infatuated with me and does some detectiving. My name is rare and exotic, so photos of me are all over Google Images. Most have been taken by awestruck bystanders so they're unfocused and of poor quality, but even a lacklustre picture shows the awful truth: I am incredibly, supernaturally attractive.

Once I've been caught out, my secret doesn't stay kept for long. Even my friends struggle with envy and feelings of inadequacy. They lash out the only way they know how, by telling everyone they can that I'm a sexual god masquerading as a normal person. For what it's worth, although I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a real friendship (this happens offline as well as online - in fact, the jealousy is much worse offline, as people are constantly confronted by the sight of my supple, rounded buttocks, firm yet lightly elastic, like peaches on the cusp of springtime ripeness), I understand and forgive this behaviour when it occurs. I must. The alternative is complete social isolation.

Others' treatment of me changes as soon as they find out that I'm beautiful. Where they once joked and chatted with me as if I was just like anybody else, they're now torn between adulation and resentment. They're stunned by the picturesque magnificence of my penis, which is tremendous: a long lithe rope of pure muscle, its toadstool head perfectly tender and forever questing for unexplored new depths. My scrotum lurks waiting in the boundless cavern of my thigh gap. I find myself subject to constant verbal griefing and lewd comments. For some reason, other players are often fixated on my anus, a luscious pinpoint rimmed by a lazily undulating wreath of rear end cheeks that draws in every penis within reach, as if by magnetism. They describe their longing to plunge deep into the warm and salty ocean of my sexuality. I wearily stretch my naked body, delighting in the complex interplay of my muscles, the delicate curve of my spine, my breasts like mounds of fresh uncooked steak, my immaculately groomed hair that seems to brim with its own internal sunlight. My manhood is as hard as concrete. I am magnificent, intimidating, heartbreaking: a man-eating tiger of lust, on the prowl for unsuspecting vaginas.

What can you do to help?: More and more attractive people are taking up gaming as a hobby, even though the established community is so unwelcoming. You can do your part to make it more comfortable for us by not treating us any differently from garden-variety average or ugly gamers. If you wouldn't offer your naked self to a person that you knew was middling at best, then please don't prostrate yourself naked before me, every fibre of your body tight with longing and anticipation as, deliciously slow, with meticulous care, I slide aside the furred and purplish drapes of my labia. My heavenly hole is unveiled inch by inch. It is a revelation, my molten cooch, pink-lipped and slippery like a salacious oyster. Beaded with sweat, hooting seductively, I lower myself down upon you. My bosom heaves. My erection quivers. Slowly but surely, my scrotum begins to envelop you. It is time. Let us have sex.

That's about all I have to say for now. Please ask me anything about my experiences. Don't be shy - no question is too private!

Edited for spelling.

I honestly don't know what to ask tell. Soz.

# ? Jan 16, 2015 03:37

tehinternet: Feb 14, 2005; Semantically, "you" is both singular and plural, though syntactically it is always plural. It always takes a verb form that originally marked the word as plural.

Also, there is no plural when the context is an argument with an individual rather than a group. Somfin shouldn't put words in my mouth.

"Furred and purplish drapes of my labia"

im hard

# ? Jan 16, 2015 08:33

Thora: Aug 21, 2006; Look on my Posts, ye Mighty, and despair!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away

Have you considered taking on a mascot, perhaps a small one that beeps and sighs and huffs. Mascot must be small for best results IMO.

# ? Jan 17, 2015 07:42

married but discreet: May 7, 2005; Taco Defender

As a fellow exceptionally, perhaps even paranormally attractive gamer, I have wondered whether my sick k/d ratios are perhaps but a side effect of my tremendous physical and mental beauty. What is your experience on that matter?

# ? Jan 17, 2015 09:10

Orange Sunshine: May 10, 2011; by FactsAreUseless

I couldn't help but notice that you have both a penis and a vagina. Does the average person really find this to be attractive?

# ? Jan 17, 2015 09:38

goatsestretchgoals: Jun 4, 2011

Orange Sunshine posted:

I couldn't help but notice that you have both a penis and a vagina. Does the average person really find this to be attractive?

something for everyone

# ? Jan 18, 2015 02:06

tehinternet: Feb 14, 2005; Semantically, "you" is both singular and plural, though syntactically it is always plural. It always takes a verb form that originally marked the word as plural.

Also, there is no plural when the context is an argument with an individual rather than a group. Somfin shouldn't put words in my mouth.

bitcoin bastard posted:

something for everyone

I actually identify as a table lamp I dont see anything attractive for me check your privilege

# ? Jan 18, 2015 02:53

Avshalom: Feb 14, 2012; by Lowtax

Gas thread, ban OP

# ? Jan 18, 2015 04:35

Avshalom: Feb 14, 2012; by Lowtax

I deeply regret making this thread. When I first posted it, I was a younger and more stupid goon. Since then, I've discovered the only thing that truly matters: the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I hope that you can all forgive me for my wanton ways, and learn a lesson from my mistakes.

# ? Jan 18, 2015 12:42

Fuckface the Hedgehog: Jun 12, 2007

I heard that you are in fact an exceptionally attractive platypus that plays games. Confirm / Deny?

# ? Jan 18, 2015 13:59

GBS Ambassador: Oct 31, 2013

I felt your story could have been crafted funnier.

# ? Jan 18, 2015 18:05

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

Thank you, but this thread has already been reported recently!

Click here to return to the forums.

# ? Jan 19, 2015 01:55

Anoia: Dec 31, 2003; "Sooner or later, every curse is a prayer."

What video games would Jesus play?

# ? Jan 19, 2015 21:16

TITY BOI: Apr 4, 2008; A REAL HUMAN BEING
AND A REAL TITY BOI

Avshalom posted:

Hi, everyone. Sexism and misogyny in games has been getting a lot of attention recently because of GamerGate, but one of the voices that's been missing is the attractive gamer perspective. As a person with striking good looks and sex appeal, I am often marginalised by the hostile online community - in all spheres, not just gaming, but gaming is where it's most prevalent. I thought I'd give you an opportunity to ask questions of a demographic that's rarely heard from in gaming discourse.

Some background: I'm thirty-eight years old. I play a range of games, but I'm most active on Mothership Premium, Cave of the Imp Queens, Dragon Duel Unlimited, and Ultima Online. I've been sexy for as long as I remember. Apparently I was a pretty average baby, but around the age of six months I developed into a creature of such celestial beauty that my mother had to wheel me around in a veiled pram. My vagina is like a precious shell washed ashore from far-off locales, pure pink and delicate, but with a quiet strength that even years of sand and wind cannot undermine. I play nude, kissed by the rainbow light of my computer screen, my crotch stirred into pulsing erection as I enter my log-in details and slip into the virtual dream of a fantasy world. Most of my avatars are mediocre in appearance. I try to hide my true self for reasons that I'll explain shortly.

Experiences: The people that I game with generally don't know I'm sexy at first. I disguise my unique charisma with unorthodox capitalisation and deliberate misspellings, which is just one of the hoops I have to jump through in order to be accepted by these communities. Unfortunately, I can't keep my real personality under locks for very long, and I've found that no matter how much effort I go to, some guildmate or PvP opponent eventually becomes infatuated with me and does some detectiving. My name is rare and exotic, so photos of me are all over Google Images. Most have been taken by awestruck bystanders so they're unfocused and of poor quality, but even a lacklustre picture shows the awful truth: I am incredibly, supernaturally attractive.

Once I've been caught out, my secret doesn't stay kept for long. Even my friends struggle with envy and feelings of inadequacy. They lash out the only way they know how, by telling everyone they can that I'm a sexual god masquerading as a normal person. For what it's worth, although I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that I'll never have a real friendship (this happens offline as well as online - in fact, the jealousy is much worse offline, as people are constantly confronted by the sight of my supple, rounded buttocks, firm yet lightly elastic, like peaches on the cusp of springtime ripeness), I understand and forgive this behaviour when it occurs. I must. The alternative is complete social isolation.

Others' treatment of me changes as soon as they find out that I'm beautiful. Where they once joked and chatted with me as if I was just like anybody else, they're now torn between adulation and resentment. They're stunned by the picturesque magnificence of my penis, which is tremendous: a long lithe rope of pure muscle, its toadstool head perfectly tender and forever questing for unexplored new depths. My scrotum lurks waiting in the boundless cavern of my thigh gap. I find myself subject to constant verbal griefing and lewd comments. For some reason, other players are often fixated on my anus, a luscious pinpoint rimmed by a lazily undulating wreath of rear end cheeks that draws in every penis within reach, as if by magnetism. They describe their longing to plunge deep into the warm and salty ocean of my sexuality. I wearily stretch my naked body, delighting in the complex interplay of my muscles, the delicate curve of my spine, my breasts like mounds of fresh uncooked steak, my immaculately groomed hair that seems to brim with its own internal sunlight. My manhood is as hard as concrete. I am magnificent, intimidating, heartbreaking: a man-eating tiger of lust, on the prowl for unsuspecting vaginas.

What can you do to help?: More and more attractive people are taking up gaming as a hobby, even though the established community is so unwelcoming. You can do your part to make it more comfortable for us by not treating us any differently from garden-variety average or ugly gamers. If you wouldn't offer your naked self to a person that you knew was middling at best, then please don't prostrate yourself naked before me, every fibre of your body tight with longing and anticipation as, deliciously slow, with meticulous care, I slide aside the furred and purplish drapes of my labia. My heavenly hole is unveiled inch by inch. It is a revelation, my molten cooch, pink-lipped and slippery like a salacious oyster. Beaded with sweat, hooting seductively, I lower myself down upon you. My bosom heaves. My erection quivers. Slowly but surely, my scrotum begins to envelop you. It is time. Let us have sex.

That's about all I have to say for now. Please ask me anything about my experiences. Don't be shy - no question is too private!

Edited for spelling.

same

# ? Jan 19, 2015 21:25

Cartoon: Jun 20, 2008; poop

Less attractive gamers don't even get A/T threads.

# ? Jan 27, 2015 00:36

Fuckface the Hedgehog: Jun 12, 2007

Cartoon posted:

Less attractive gamers don't even get A/T threads.

[ASK] me about being a less attractive gamer that shits in an array holes in the backyard (no 56k)

# ? Jan 27, 2015 06:01

Cartoon: Jun 20, 2008; poop

Plotterboy posted:

[ASK] me about being a less attractive gamer that shits in an array holes in the backyard (no 56k)

Clearly if you can make the thread you are more attractive than me. I squat to your greater beauty.

# ? Jan 27, 2015 08:12

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 18, 2024 03:13

Fuckface the Hedgehog: Jun 12, 2007

Cartoon posted:

Clearly if you can make the thread you are more attractive than me. I squat to your greater beauty.

Alas I cannot, for I do not have a backyard or a balcony on which i could place a series of potplants.

Come back to the good thread. We miss you and soag is huffin up the place.

# ? Jan 27, 2015 08:15

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Ask/Tell > Ask me about being an exceptionally attractive gamer