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*A five story shield flanked by buzzing chainsaws, flamethrowers, knives and circular saws bears the "XFL 2.0" logo*
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Jan 8, 2015 18:50
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 21:42 |
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*A drone-fired hellfire missle smashes into a Pakistani wedding reception, the rubble left only says 2015 World Cheerleading Championships on ESPN*
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Jan 8, 2015 18:53
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*Yankee Stadium freezes over and a towering MLB logo grows from ice on pitcher's mound. Princess Frozen steps back and admires her handiwork before turning to smirk at the camera with one eyebrow raised.* *Olaf the snowman runs in excitedly from the right hand side of the screen but takes a spectacular tumble, crashing into the ice pedestal supporting the logo.* *The pedestal cracks and the fragments fall away, leaving behind the perfectly sculpted words "Sponsored by Disney's Frozen"* *The princess shakes her head with fond dismay. Olaf looks bashful*
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Jan 8, 2015 19:15
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*a batter swings his bat at a fastball trailing fire, the bat connects and splinters sending a large portion of the bat crashing through the TV screen, the visible part of the bat reads 'Monday Night Baseball'*
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Jan 8, 2015 19:27
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*Camera follows a hockey puck as it moves along a conveyor belt. Suddenly a metal hockey stick whacks it into low earth orbit. Flames trail from the sides as the camera zooms out to show North America with "Hockey Night in Canada" superimposed.
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Jan 8, 2015 19:47
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*Wireframe globe rotates silently on giant screen behind sports anchor*
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Jan 8, 2015 19:52
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Applewhite posted:*Wireframe globe rotates silently on giant screen behind sports anchor* *lines and dots on the globe indicate places sports may be occurring at this moment*
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Jan 8, 2015 19:58
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*J-Pop music blares an a high pitched voice babbles inanely as a shower of cartoon octopus, sushi and gold coins falls from the top of the screen. An eye searing rainbow of Kanji letters declares "NATIONAL SUMO CHAMPIONSHIP"*
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Jan 8, 2015 20:22
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*Your normal Monday night sitcom is interrupted abruptly, the image switching to that of a red room with a lone figure standing in it, hands cuffed and wearing simple clothing. It's a fourth string QB from one of the less successful teams. Suddenly, bulky men dressed in S&M soccer uniforms walk in from behind and spend the next two hours beating, whipping and torturing the QB before finally executing him like an animal. As the individual bleeds out, simple block letters fade in on the screen and boldly pronounce "LONG LIVE THE NEW FOOTBALL".*
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Jan 8, 2015 20:31
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*uses opening credits scene from Lord of War but the bullets are hockey pucks instead*
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Jan 8, 2015 22:36
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*a high def closeup shot of a man misterbating his pickle to a glowing monitor on which football players stats are flowing up and down in a spread sheet sort of thing and the camera zooms out and the man is an anamorphed version of ever American football fan in history sorta like when they morphed a bunch a faces together to make a new aunt jemima and when the camera zooms out the twist ending is that the man isn't actually misterbating himself.... it is actually Charlie Daniels rhythmically and violently stroking the allfan's turgent member. but it is a hologram*
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Jan 9, 2015 00:02
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Ringo Star Get posted:*uses opening credits scene from Lord of War but the bullets are hockey pucks instead* *ends the same way, with a child soldier unpacking a puck and using the butt of an AK-47 to slapshot it into someone's face*
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Jan 9, 2015 00:25
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Applewhite posted:*Stadium unfolds from the ground like a Command and Conquer building. The audience is already inside* *Stadium is sold like a Command and Conquer building, it folds in on itself and there are no survivors*
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Jan 9, 2015 03:02
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This version has the best graphics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbZMnF1VNlE
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Jan 9, 2015 03:48
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*A rocky bluff and crashing waves sets the scene. An oppressive black cloud cover blankets the sky as if the walls of a great prison known as earth where no sun can penetrate. Booming thunder is the only illumination here. The pied piper dressed in fruity old timey German clothes plays his pipe while football players march like lemmings off a cliff to certain doom to the sharp, wet rocks below. The shattering of bones and splattering of blood cues a players brain matter forming words across the screen: "Football induced concussions are no laughing matter. If you or a loved one is a former player experiencing traumatic injuries please call the law offices of Lamont & Tanelly ESQ"
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Jan 9, 2015 03:58
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLrfiawnX20
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Jan 9, 2015 04:05
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*A fleet of fighter jets carrying an enormous metal cube fly towards a battlefield. The combatants on both sides stop firing and look up at the looming steel payload in fear. The jets release the cube and immediately fly off at supersonic speeds. The smoke from their blasts spell out the letters NFL. The cube lands, crushing everyone in the battle. Though some attempt to flee, there are no survivors. The cube unfolds in an extremely CGI manner, revealing the Superbowl XLIX stadium, accompanied by giant metallic logo rising up from the field. Mushroom cloud explosion transition to sports anchor room*
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Jan 9, 2015 04:32
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a team of scientists is operating the large hardon collider. they have discovered the primordial particles, the smallest units of matter that compose everything else. they are impossibly tiny versions of a basketball, a football, a baseball and a hockey puck. the scientists smash them together, creating an explosion rivaling the big bang. galaxies and stars explode in all directions, revealing the sports center logo as the center of the new universe
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Jan 9, 2015 04:48
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*fat dick flies from space or something into meaty butt. football*
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Jan 9, 2015 05:06
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*Football robot is sitting on a couch. He reaches for a bottle of beer, but hits it with his knuckles from a lack of coordination, knocking it over. It begins pouring out over the surface of a riveted coffee table. The robot jumps to its feet swearing as a smaller robot rushes over with a towel. The first robot shouts and pushes the other robot to the floor by the shoulder. The smaller robot begins crying while the first stands there, feet in a wide stance, fists balled and arms bent. He knows he should feel something, but can't remember what or why anymore. The beer continues to pour out, its foam forming the logo of the NFL.
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Jan 9, 2015 05:14
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Ork of Fiction posted:*Football robot is sitting on a couch. He reaches for a bottle of beer, but hits it with his knuckles from a lack of coordination, knocking it over. It begins pouring out over the surface of a riveted coffee table. The robot jumps to its feet swearing as a smaller robot rushes over with a towel. The first robot shouts and pushes the other robot to the floor by the shoulder. The smaller robot begins crying while the first stands there, feet in a wide stance, fists balled and arms bent. He knows he should feel something, but can't remember what or why anymore. The beer continues to pour out, its foam forming the logo of the NFL. you don't have the rights to my childhood, I'll sue
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Jan 9, 2015 05:27
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I jizzed. Thanks!
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Jan 9, 2015 05:34
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*the network's graphics operator has never updated his antivirus software. No one is any the wiser. Infographics, player stats, sidebars, and spinning logos mingle with a partially-obscured LiveJasmin window and free smiley downloads*
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Jan 9, 2015 05:57
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*The camera tracks past a futuristic parody of the Las Vegas Strip, with flag-waving and revelry. Past a barbed-wire fence a soldier perched on a signboard turns on his night vision goggles, shoulders his sniper rifle, and fires. But instead of a lead slug, the projectile is a tiny football. It strikes an unkempt rifle-holding man wearing a football helmet directly in the head, he dies. The camera tracks further back. A man in a suit can be seen lighting a cigarette in a graveyard. He says, "are you ready for some football?" and fires his pistol at the camera. The music swells as we fade to black and see the titles: MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.*
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Jan 9, 2015 06:33
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*The music starts playing that has been in use for the last like 30 years that is so recognisable even non football (soccer) fans recognise it. Logo comes up in the TV screen saying "Match of the Day"* Sorry, the UK doesn't do this poo poo.
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Jan 9, 2015 11:45
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*open on peaceful meadow filled with dandelions. a wizard in white gestures with his staff and the dandelion fluffs rise up into the wind, swirling around eventually becoming the sun, which then shines down on a green, verdant forest. a wizard in brown robes waves his hands and the trees grow even more leaves, turning from arboreal to primeval. zoom out to find the forest on an island, a wizard in blue appears and throws a giant tidal wave over the whole thing. the waters recede to reveal a stinking black boggy swamp, where a necromancer conjures up several ghastly skeletons. a mountain in the distance looms larger as a lone red-robed mage on a craggy spire creates a fireball which lights up the dismal sky, eventually consuming the screen, etching within fiery letters spelling out MAGIC: THE GATHERING 2016 SEMI-FINALS*
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Jan 9, 2015 12:23
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*Thousands of years in the future, a race of aliens from a distant galaxy point their radio antenna arrays skyward and begin receiving a series of peculiar transmissions. These are the earliest radio broadcasts of football, but it takes this civilization many years to decipher the meaning of this "foot-ball". Intrigued by this new sport, they crudely attempt to recreate the sport on their home planet. Cue montage of aliens learning the game via radio broadcasts received through the years.* *As the radio transmits classic calls from games in the 1960s, the aliens are running basic plays wearing crude pads made of tree bark.* *As the radio transmissions become games from the 1980s, the aliens are getting better. A portly alien attempts a version of the Ickey Shuffle* *The aliens develop more complicated plays and intricate defensive schemes as the broadcasts start coming from the 90s and 00s* *Several years later the transmissions arrive at the current golden era of football (circa 2015, incidentally), and the aliens are wearing futuristic glowing pads and eye black. It is time.* *Aliens board spaceship and set off on a journey to Earth to prove that yes, they are ready for some football.*
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Jan 9, 2015 14:07
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Director's Cut: This trip also takes thousands of years and the aliens arrive at a charred husk of the Earth that has been completely depleted of resources. They land on the scorched surface near an obsidian monument bearing the NFL shield.*
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Jan 9, 2015 14:09
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*Sports anchor turns to camera and smirks* "Now it's time for our stinker of the week!" *foghorn sounds and a green mist congeals at the bottom of the screen. Slimy green letters ooze up from nowhere and proclaim "STINKER OF THE WEEK"*
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Jan 9, 2015 14:58
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*The sound of a firework launching as a wireframe globe spins in from the side of the screen, stopping on the part of the surface that reads BOMB THE EAST before the dissolve transition from Powerpoint 2009 kicks in*
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Jan 9, 2015 15:05
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*Cut to old timey film of a B-29 over japan, a bomb is dropped that is a football with a bomb fish tail on the back, the bomb strikes the ground searing the city into ash and ruin, cut to a picture of a kid playing on a playground then being obliterated by the explosion, his ashes spell out SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL and the camera pans up to hundreds of bombers flying above the ruined Japanese city in a formation resembling the American flag"
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Jan 9, 2015 15:32
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AZH4FeGsc
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Jan 9, 2015 16:26
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*it is the future, and Football robots roam the ruins of civilization, charging through decaying buildings. One spots a human moving in the debris. It locks on, and hurls a steel football while a voice like a fork in a garbage disposal screams, "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!" The steel ball hits the startled human in the chest with the sickening sound of crunching ribs, his lungs collapsing as the ball embeds itself into his chest. The robot stomps over to retrieve the gore-covered ball and shakes its head, this one was not ready. Suddenly a column of light appears on the horizon, and the robot, along with all the others, converge on it. It is coming from an immaculately maintained stadium, the crowd made up of other football robots. As they cheer wildly, a group of humans that were deemed ready for some football are marched into the field. They wear the tattered, stained remnants of old football uniforms and squint into the lights as they survey the crowd. Many are injured from being clipped by the steel footballs. The other team takes the field, the most advanced of the football robots. They tower over the humans, eyes glowing red and menacing spikes on their shoulders and boots. Several have football cannons in place of at least one hand. Their uniforms bear no numerals that humanity ever created. A small, wheeled referee robot enters the center of the field, letting out a sharp whistle before quickly retreating. The massacre that follows is blessedly quick as the humans are utterly demolished. Trampled by the robots or blasted with more of the sharpened points of the steel footballs, their broken bodies are soon removed by maintenance robots who save the uniforms for the next "team" and clean up the field. One of the player robots looks skyward, wondering when and where they will find a worthy challenge. It turns to a shape on the horizon, which we see is a football shaped spaceship on a launch pad, football robots constructing it to find other races that may be ready for some football. The camera slowly pans around the ship to reveal the NFL logo painted large and brightly across the side*
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Jan 9, 2015 16:31
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Applewhite posted:I think he was picking up gum off the ground and putting it in his mouth, which is grosser imo, even if it was his own gum that just fell out a second ago. No it's grass. That guy is Les Miles and he'd do it for good luck. edit: Terrible country music plays while man goes into old fashioned bait and tackle/gas station. On all the old black and white tv's that are still on sale for some reason is footage of old NASCAR racing. Man in store realizes he is actually in a twilight zone episode and the gas station is a portal to any moment in time as long as a) it's after the formation of NASCAR in 1948 and b) it's races that Fox Sports Network has the rights to air footage from. Peanut President fucked around with this message at 18:03 on Jan 9, 2015 |
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Jan 9, 2015 18:01
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wow, it's like being 6 years old again
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Jan 9, 2015 19:44
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*Glowing red turbines supply power to news ticker at bottom of screen* *Timer counting down to next sports segment accurate to the nearest 1/100th of a second*
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Jan 9, 2015 20:29
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Ground level. Football stadium. Logo. Two team helmets, facing each other. They tense, then collide together. But rather than the usual explosion, we zoom in on the right helmet's point of impact, and then zoom in farther and farther, details expanding and filling the screen until they lose all meaning. Pure, beautiful bubbles of memory drift in space peacefully. Inside each bubble is a scene from Right Helmet's life. A family picnic with two tiny helmets laughing, playing with a kite. Right Helmet's wedding day to the love of his life, a sparring headgear. Right Helmet's first day at school, being so scared, his lunchbox wedged precariously inside his facemask. A roar. The shockwave from Left Helmet's hit approaches like a wall of nuclear fire. The memories have no chance against the apocalyptic force of impact. One by one the fragile bubbles are cracked and blasted by the wave of force and careen away, the memories within going dark, forever. Zoom out. Right Helmet is in the hospital. A breathing tube snakes into the facemask. Nurse helmets bustle around the bed. The machinery pings like a ghastly metronome. A doctor helmet walks into the room, carrying the results of Right Helmet's brain scan. He places them on the light wall, examining them. We see that the brain damage forms a perfect Monday Night Football logo. The hospital's beeping is suddenly interrupted by a sick guitar riff. The game is about to begin.
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Jan 9, 2015 20:36
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babypolis posted:a team of scientists is operating the large hardon collider. they have discovered the primordial particles, the smallest units of matter that compose everything else. they are impossibly tiny versions of a basketball, a football, a baseball and a hockey puck. the scientists smash them together, creating an explosion rivaling the big bang. galaxies and stars explode in all directions, revealing the sports center logo as the center of the new universe lol
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Jan 9, 2015 20:52
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*Kennedy is shot in the back of the head, and his brain matter hit the screen spelling out "SCRIPPS NATIONAL SPELLING BEE FINALS" as Jackie Kennedy mournfully puffs a cigarette in the background*
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Jan 9, 2015 21:10
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 21:42 |
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The camera tracks a computer-generated vision of two dozen multi-colored racing cars jostling and drafting one another in a tight pack around an oval. One car loses control, and collects three more as it slides off of the banking. They skid across the infield, throwing out clods of mud and grass, and come to a stop. The helmeted drivers emerge, and point at each other accusingly. A punch is thrown, then another, and as the fight intensifies it kicks up a cloud of cartoon-like dust, within which can be seen the legend NASCAR LIVE.
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Jan 9, 2015 21:13
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