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May 28, 2004

Strong And/Or Free

Mocha you stupid fuckin cat stop dying


Jun 18, 2011

Seems the high horse is taking them all home

Archer, you whined a little on the way to the vet's, but for the most part were quiet and well behaved. Why did you start screaming and howling in my ear as soon as we pulled into the garage? We were home dammit! You were safe! The garage door was still open and now I'm sure all the neighbors think that I beat you. You little poo poo.

Oct 9, 2012

Odessa, you little failure. Stop trying to talk to the birds outside the window. You are not a Disney princess, even when you act like it.

Mar 16, 2011

Fan of Britches

JohnnyCanuck posted:

Mocha you stupid fuckin cat stop dying

sorry dude, thats always really rough. .

May 28, 2004

Strong And/Or Free

LiquidCatnip posted:

sorry dude, thats always really rough. .

Oh, now she's decided she's not loving dying, but she's still juuuust sick enough to forget she has a litter box half the time. I need to buy goddamn stock in goddamn loving Arm & Hammer.

Jun 1, 2000

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein

Moony you sad sack of poo poo. Thanks ever so much for sneaking into the kitchen and gruffling down 3 pounds of rancid chicken parts that were in the garbage. Especially thank you for waiting until 3am to violently disgorge the contents of your stomach in MY loving BEDROOM, causing a smell so rancid I nearly threw up. Thanks for making me stand outside in the cold because the smell was so bad I couldn't stay in the house.

You are the worst dog ever.

Jul 10, 2014

These high-G injections have some serious side effects after pulling so many jumps.

Pix...Schrode...stop trying to eat the goddamn bumblebees. I don't want to explain to the vet school how dumb you two are because it makes me look like a bad parent. Also, GODDAMN BUMBLEBEES.

Apr 28, 2013

Where we're going, we won't need fries to see

Pliskin you stupid snake, you poo once a week so how is it you've poo poo on me twice and my girlfriend once?
Handling you is like the worst party game.
How long do YOU dare handle him?
Fun for all the family.

Dingleberry Jones
Jun 1, 2008
If I'm posting a new thread, it means there is a thread already posted and I failed at using the forum search correctly

Odie, stop having allergies. You take allergy medicine every day. Stop getting up in the morning and sneezing so much that snot literally wraps around your muzzle and lands on your head. It's gross. No one needs to see that.

Lumberjack Bonanza
Feb 27, 2011

I'm turning you into a snail because I'm racist.

God drat it you loving cats, you are not supposed to move all the cat litter to one side, poo poo on the bottom, and then just leave. Cover it up! I thought this was loving instinct!

Jan 11, 2009

Why do you have three legs. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Mar 27, 2010



Yerok posted:

Why do you have three legs. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

euth this stupid loving poo poo cat gently caress

May 28, 2004

Strong And/Or Free

JohnnyCanuck posted:

Oh, now she's decided she's not loving dying, but she's still juuuust sick enough to forget she has a litter box half the time. I need to buy goddamn stock in goddamn loving Arm & Hammer.

And it's all the time now what the poo poo wait not poo poo what the piss except why is there piss all over the place this sentence stopped making sense probably because you pissed on it and not in your goddamned litterbox

Also it might be vet time again I dunno why don't you want me to have money you loving cat

Nov 5, 2008

Der's e'rl in dem der hills!

Ham Wrangler

Come on Fancy, you have been unable to jump through the dog door without help the past few days, but you can jump up to the blinds and break them and cut yourself? Good thing you were already scheduled to go to the vet tomorrow.

Show Me A Chicken
May 5, 2007
I'll show you a geek.

Jules, thank you for deciding that your new favorite perch is my planter of pepper seedlings. I bought you a three story scratching post you can sleep on, I cleared off the top of the rolltop desk so you could hang out there, and I even scootched a chair up to the window so you could try to lure birds with your amazing birdcalls. But no, you absolutely must settle down in the dirt so you can squish my plants and then scatter dirt everywhere. Thank you for incubating my future chili flavorings with your stupid furry kitty butt.

Nov 23, 2012

Pidge, what the gently caress makes you think going up on the table is ok? More importantly, how do you get up there when the nearest chair is at least six feet away when I'm cleaning? Did you wish yourself up there? And how do you manage to get the slippers and socks out of my sock drawer when it's closed and bring them up onto the table with you? WHERE DO YOU GET THEM FROM? YOU DON'T HAVE THUMBS TO OPEN DRAWERS YOU FUCKSUCK.

You're lucky as poo poo that your face, eraser nose, and ridiculous body make you cute you little dick kiss.

Also, why do you cower in fear and become completely still when I put clothing on you? It gets colder than an inuit's asscrack here in the winter and you have hardly any fur, I'm doing you a goddamn favor you pathetic baby.

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Puppy Galaxy
Aug 1, 2004

Lipstick Apathy

My cat just bit me hard while I was absentmindedly petting him. He was lying on my loving soda next to me and I was watching television. I am
Going to murder him.

Aug 16, 2012
Tell your mum I said hi lol


This is my puppy, Rascal. He's a half husky and the rest GSD and Lab. My brother and sister-in-law got his littermate, Rover, and his favourite activities include pouncing, shredding toys, and trying to kill small animals

He's my lil' buddy

even though he has shredded three nice pillows and my wife is not happy with him atm

FAT32 SHAMER fucked around with this message at May 22, 2015 around 16:43

Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

omg that puppy that ear

Still LemonWitch
Jul 14, 2014

Dunwitch, you little skank, STOP CLAWING MY LEGS. I get that love is apparently pain in your skewed world view, but I look like I've been in heavy petting sessions with Freddy loving Kreuger! You're not going to magically roll off of my lap while sleeping there, so STOP ANCHORING YOURSELF IN MY FLESH. I'm going to wrap your drat paws in duct tape, you little bitch! And THEN I'm going to pet the hell out of your belly!!

Salem, I love you dearly, but you don't need pets at 2am when I'm dead asleep, and sinking a claw into my lip is not going to get your needs met. It *will* get your lumpy rear end pushed off the bed, however.

Cagliostro: you owe me money for the loving brand new screen you chewed through last summer, you little dick bag. I'd kick you in the nuts if they hadn't already been removed!

Oct 27, 2005

Kooler than Jesus

Yes I know, you're only nice when you want something.

Jul 13, 2010

Cutest God-damned thing in Hell.

Jubilee, you dumbass, cats don't chase their own tails. Also you're like 3 how do you not recognize that poo poo as yours yet?

Kugyou no Tenshi
Nov 8, 2005

We can't keep the crowd waiting, can we?

KillerQueen posted:

Jubilee, you dumbass, cats don't chase their own tails. Also you're like 3 how do you not recognize that poo poo as yours yet?

Patches is not aware that she has a tail, either. You can hold onto it and she will try to walk away and be confused as to why she's not going anywhere, never making the connection that it has anything to do with the fuzzy thing you're holding in your hand. You can show her her own tail in your hand and she won't connect the dots.

There's a reason we call her "Poly-Fil" - that's what's stuffed in her skull in place of a brain.

Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas Magic

Fallen Rib

Precious, stop trying to pick fights with Jessica; she is literally three times your size. If she got tired of your poo poo there is literally nothing we could do to save you before she's eaten your face. Quit it.

May 1, 2012

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

A letter to my parents' three cats:

Dear Stupid Cat:
Learn to use the loving cat flap. It is not a complicated mechanism. Just walk through it like it's not there, don't paw at it for ten minutes expecting it to Open loving Sesame. Smart Cat has figured out how to use the buttons that unlock the thing, but she has to waste her enormous kitty brain on showing you how to walk through the cat flap every single goddamn day. You're sweet and all, but Jesus gently caress you're dumber than a sack of bricks.

Also stop dragging yourself on the carpet by your claws every time you get a tummy tub. I enjoy giving you tummy rubs but it is not helpful that I have to travel the entire length of the house while doing it.

Dear Smart Cat:
You loving smug, entitled, narcissistic rear end in a top hat. Having you as a pet is like a having a girlfriend with borderline personality disorder, you send so many mixed signals. If you ask to be petted then maybe you should appreciate it instead of walking to whatever designated petting spot you've arbitrarily decided on that day and then maybe biting me out of nowhere. It's lovely behavior and the only reason I fall for it is because I respect your intellect and also you're a cute kitty cat. But still, gently caress you.

Also, stop trying to blame everything on Bigass Cat. I saw you drag those shredded papers into his favorite box, and maybe you could stop provoking him into roughhousing and then meowing pitifully when he jumps on you. He's not getting punished any more and we're onto you. You're a spoiled little princess and he's a lumbering mass of sinew, fat and mouse murder, the only reason he lets you be the dominant one is because he doesn't give a gently caress. One of these days your bullshit is going to get you hurt.

Dear Bigass Cat:
You're a chill bro, keep it up. But you're also a gigantic pussy in more ways than one, loving stand up for yourself once in a while, will you?

Also, ease up on the dead mice, I know you mean well but my dad is really squeamish. Just eat the loving things like you eat every other thing you come across and drop them in one of your disgusting Godzilla-sized poo poo bricks.

Wistful of Dollars
Aug 25, 2009

To my friend's cat,

You're adorable, but if you want to sleep on the pillow next to someone's head, please stop being a god drat fart machine, especially after eating salmon. Jesus Christ cat.

May 28, 2004

Strong And/Or Free


Pixelated Dragon
Jan 22, 2007

Do you remember how we used to breathe and watch it
and feel such power and feel such joy, to be ice dragons and be so free. -Noe Venable

Why have you stopped covering your poop!? Your poo poo stanky.

They invented cat litter for a reason.

Apr 14, 2009


Grimey Drawer

You fucker.

Jan 2, 2006
It's probably my fault.

Amy. Cola. We need to talk. Now.

Amy, I know you've been through some poo poo, what with the loss of your tail tip and having to have been born in shithole West Virginia, but seriously, you and your sister do not need to take that attitude with you. I've already had to bail you out of jail when the cops picked you up (Never mind that you had your "mother" and I worried sick for a month!) and you keep trying to get back out there! You've got a tattoo and scars and street cred already - sometimes a murdercat just needa chill! And this whole "Climb halfway up the doorjamb and stare before pouncing on your sister" schtick is getting a little old. If cats were meant to hang out in a doorframe, there would be a sill for your lazy, can't-kill-an-uggybug rear end. Quit freaking out over me trimming my nails and start not clawing up the underside of the boxspring. And really, would it kill you to let me give you a hug every once in a while?

Cola, don't think you're getting off easy, either! Just because you look like someone poured a 2-liter of Coke into a cat mold doesn't mean that you get to pre-emptively howl and howl and howl and howl at the front door just before I go to work. All you do is go outside and lick the concrete anyway, and you know that's bad for your teeth. And while that adorable running trill you do is cute, it doesn't give you any braking power on the hardwood floors - this is not a drift course, young lady! Those boxes are for packing, not for slamming into at high speed when being chased by Amy! Speaking of Amy, at least she lets me snuggle that tummy-tum every now and then, and it certainly hasn't killed her. C'mon. We love you. We nibble because we care. And also because you're so drat ticklish that any pets below the neck and above the tail have you freaking out licking everything. Now if only you could keep doing that tongue thing until I could get a picture of you.

Realtalk, girls - you don't understand how poops work. The litterbox is not a stand that you poop from, but a box that you poop into. You dig a hole in the litter to poop into, not to stand in while pooping outside of the box. Scratching the walls, box, toilet, and floor does nothing to cover your poops up. It's like a person touching the doorknob and wondering why the toilet didn't flush. It's not hard, you've seen me cover up your poops tons of times, so put two and two together and actually cover your poo poo. Or you're grounded. I mean it this time!

Jun 4, 2011

by LadyAmbien

Mmmm table

Jun 24, 2007
May an IDF soldier mistakenly gun down my own parents and face no repercussions i'd totally be cool with it cuz accidents are unavoidable in a low-intensity conflict, man

Tari, you stupid uncoordinated motherfucker. You're as graceful as two dogs loving a styrofoam cooler. You consistently poo poo on the floor ONE FOOT from your clean, fresh litter box. Gigantic dog-sized turds that smell so foul they can clear the whole floor. You hog the entire bed and can never take the hint of us kicking you off repeatedly, I still wake up with you cutting off circulation to a lower extremity. We have to give you the lion cut because you fail to groom yourself sufficiently and get armpit dreadlocks. Stop being literally constantly underfoot when I'm trying to get ready for work.

Niko, you're all looks and no brains. Your behavioral issues almost ended my relationship and you took two and a half years of progressively more severe measures to get you to consistently understand basic poo poo like "no", "stay", and "come here". I can't take you anywhere and let my guard down because there's always that 1 in 10 chance that you'll just disappear. Also you look like a complete dipshit when you poop and/or pee, weirdo. Which is "all the loving time" because you somehow manage to generate a greater volume of poo poo than the volume of food we feed you. HOW? Your shitwheelies are hilarious, though.


Nov 26, 2007

by Lowtax

Dear Dip:

Please jump from the floor to my bed. Not the floor to my groin. Every time I'm about to sleep it's always floor-2-groin. You are also a fat piece of poo poo named Dip for a goddamn reason.

You're also usually beta as gently caress you should know better.

Dear Niko:

gently caress off jumping on my shoulders when I'm on my computer. It scares me and then it scares you and you have sharp claws and now my neck and back looks like I had the most raunchy sex ever.

loving sociopathic pussies.

Apr 12, 2010

Shooting and Fucking
are the same thing!

Dear new kitten.

How the heck did you manage to get some of your own poop on your back?
You seem to know how to poop in a box, except when you poop exactly on the edge of the box so the poop is half in and half out.But getting a single smudge of poop in the exact center of your back has to be some sort of achievement. At least I now know that you are terrified of water because when I took you into the bathroom to clean the poop out of your fur you panicked as soon as the water started running and scratched up my wrist so badly that it looks like I'm a cutter.

If the cuts get infected we're naming you Poopy McShitback.

Dear older cat

Stop hissing and growling at the kitten. She's in no way any threat to you, she can't even poop right. You two should get together really well since you look and act almost exactly the same. I know she's only been here a few days and you've been here for over a year but one of the main reasons adopted her was so you would have someone to hang around with when we're at work and not die of boredom. We got you a tiny adorable doppelganger you should be psyched.

FreudianSlippers fucked around with this message at Jun 16, 2015 around 23:24

Oct 9, 2012

When I kill you with a motor-car, you should have the common decency to stay dead, you horrid little object

Grimey Drawer

Shackleton Godzilla Fuckweasel. You're normally such a good cat. Pleasant, fuzzy, easy going, and fun to be around. So why the making GBS threads crikey have you spent the last hour and change meowing for me to get off my chair so you can sit in it? It's my loving chair. It's at my desk. It's where I sit when I'm working. Nothing has changed over the last five years, so why are you demanding that I move now?

Stupid thing is, I know you won't stop. It's been too long. So there, have my goddamn chair. I'll be over here at the dining table, getting a bad back.

You cute furry twatbadger.

May 19, 2014

College Slice

Ted. Why do you get in front of me and slow-walk when I'm coming down the stairs?

You run up the stairs. I've seen you run down the stairs. Now move your fat, rumpy rear end before I kick it.

Apr 17, 2010

Here are the cat and dog, or perhaps dog and cat depending upon whom you ask.

The dog is currently giving the cat a paw face wash under my desk.

Red (the dog), you are perhaps the worst of all plebeians. You will chase a ball until you suffer cardiac arrest from over exertion, yet you fail to understand the portion of actually bringing it back to the person whom threw it. You torture that cat endlessly. You are a bed hog. You are a sleeping bag hog when we camp. You lick me in the face early in the morning. You seem to believe that under my desk is your own personal cave. I can't put an ice cube in a glass without you wanting one to chase around the floor. You are a bane of my existence.

Pitou (the cat), you are new here. You seem to suck with your pointy claws and cat demeanor. That being said, you are only 8 weeks old and seem to be imitating the dog a lot. You have started to chase tennis balls and chase ice cubes around the floor. I will give it a couple of weeks and I suspect that I will hate you for the same reasons as the dog.

Jul 2, 2013

My cat ignores rats. I threw her at one to no effect.

Sep 14, 2007
if I haven't posted about MY LANDCRUISER yet, check my bullbars for kangaroo prints


You had been at the shelter since you were two weeks old, we got you at 7 months. You were on death row you stupid little fucker. You got overlooked cos your markings are all wonky and noone else wanted you.

We literally saved your loving life you ungrateful bastard. Dont pretend to love us for 20 minutes in the morning and then when we get home and ignore us for the rest of the time. A little affection and cuddling wont loving kill you, but ignoring me much longer might. You can always go back to the used cat dealership and I can get one that actually appreciates us. I feed you, I keep you warm in a house with a fire that I had to cut the wood for, I let you sleep with us on the bed, I even pick your poo poo up out of a loving box and you spend your entire day getting irritated when we try to pat you or cuddle. loving ungrateful little stinkyhole.

You wound up in the bath because your loving incompetent at making GBS threads. ITS NOT THAT loving HARD TO poo poo CLEANLY AND NOT GET IT ALL OVER YOURSELF. Its not even like you have the loving runs, how the gently caress did you get it on ALL FOUR PAWS AND YOUR TAIL?!

You lost your claws for a good reason you little turd. When you accidentally hung yourself in the wine rack (THAT YOU HAD ALREADY BEEN TOLD OFF FOR BEING ON!) and i went to rescue you, clamping onto my arm with your front claws and kicking the poo poo out of my hand with your back paws while i try to stop you dying is NOT A GOOD MOVE.

Enjoy your dog shaped claws you shitheel. I hope you fall off the loving couch some more cos its loving hilarious.

AND WHY THE gently caress ARE YOU JUST SITTING IN A BOX YOWLING? My housemate says you've done this all day. Your gonna wind up in the kitty crate outside in the cold and dark soon.

And while we're at it, If i give you expensive wet food, dont just lick the loving gravy off the meat and leave the meat to dry out and go off, Eat EVERYTHING you stupid cat!

Ferremit fucked around with this message at Jun 25, 2015 around 10:43


Feb 6, 2003

Seriously cat, drinking from the dog's water bowl? That's so gross. You have your own stainless steel one that gets changed twice a day. Why on earth would you drink water left behind by the drool monster.

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