Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«33 »
  • Post
  • Reply
Richlove
Jul 24, 2009

Paragon of primary care

"What?!?! You stuck that WHERE?!?!



Lucy and Rosie. Why in the hell did you go roll around in literal raw sewage down the road? You smelled like death and now I just spent 30 minutes cleaning molten poo poo out of your fur. That's right, you BETTER look guilty you jerks!!!

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

bunnyofdoom
Mar 29, 2008



Harriet you little poo poo. That hamper was full of clean laundry. I am sure when you hopped in you knew it. Now I need go rewash it all and I am sure some of it has been eaten. When I got home the response should nit have been you standing on your hind legs in the "treat now" position. Enjoy being in your cage all night.

Tamarillo
Aug 6, 2009


Sterling. I understand that the men who came to reroof our house, and their associated noise, were unnerving for you.

However.

When the house creaks, please stop whipping your head up toward the ceiling and barking.

When someone steps on the hardwood floors, please stop whipping your head up toward the ceiling and barking.

When the wind gusts a bit, please stop whipping your head up toward the ceiling and barking.

I know the roofers broke something fundamental in your brain, but our house is not haunted by ghost roofers so please stop trying to alert us to this non-fact.

cyberia
Jun 24, 2011

Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

Neon, you are a tiny, tiny dog. Seriously, you weigh, like, ten pounds. So why do you have the destructive power of a large tornado? Why must you go through life teeth-first laying waste to all that surrounds you?

You ruined your new bone after less than an hour of ferocious chewing and I'll be damned if I'm getting you another one any time soon.

Ultimate Shrek Fan
May 2, 2005
Probation
Can't post for 12 days!


cyberia posted:

You ruined your new bone after less than an hour of ferocious chewing and I'll be damned if I'm getting you another one any time soon.

drat you dog, drat you for chewing on your bone, that was a show piece. One for the wall.

Marxalot
Dec 24, 2008



Sherman, you fat weasel poo poo. You sit there at your foodbowl breaking chunks of kibble (and eating maybe 1/4th of what's there) for ten god drat minutes until you realize that what you now have is a bowl full of crumbs. Do you just eat the crumbs? You were a runt, and now you're almost twice your sister's size and still growing. I know your fat rear end is hungry.



No. You go OMG FOOD BITS and start digging. Scattering perfectly good food all over the place. If it didn't make you smell so bad (and probably give you adrenal disease) I'd feed you some cheap walmart food out of spite.



You do this every loving time that I give you enough food that I don't have to be constantly refilling your bowl. Then, once the entire contents of the bowl are on the ground, your fat rear end gets hungry again half an hour later and you just sit there all sad.
Why can't you be less retarded like your sister? At least she'll come out of the cage when I come home and open the bottom door. You just sit up on the top floor of the cage pawing at the door thinking you're trapped. I've watched you do this for half an hour until you got hungry, went downstairs to eat, and went OHMYGODTHECAGEISOPENIMFREE when you climbed down and saw the door open.

I know you're not deaf either. My stereo scares the everloving hell out of you for some reason, and nothing gets your fat rear end out of hiding quite like me opening the ferretone bottle.

Marxalot fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2015 around 19:26

cyberia
Jun 24, 2011

Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

Ultimate Shrek Fan posted:

drat you dog, drat you for chewing on your bone, that was a show piece. One for the wall.

More like drat you dog for destroying that bone in an hour so I have to throw it out and now you're sad because you've got no bone so you're going to go and chew the bookshelf to make yourself feel better.

EXTREME INSERTION
Jun 4, 2011

by LadyAmbien


Pax you motherFUCKER. I am going to sell you to the furries. I am going to kick your rear end

Brand New Malaysian Wife
Apr 4, 2007
I encourage children who are bullied to kill themselves. In fact, I get off to it. Pedophilia-snuff films are the best. More abused children need to kill themselves.

Orangie stop loving waking us up a million times a night with a paw to the face or we'll send you back to the goddamn shelter we're fostering you from.

Rickycat
Nov 26, 2007

by Lowtax


Dear Niko,

I was drunk last night and passed out. Sleeping on my stomach was an unfortunate decision on your part. And you didn't give a poo poo. gently caress you.

Genocide Tendency
Dec 24, 2009

I get mental health care from the medical equivalent of Skillcraft.


Meet Statler and Waldorf.



Waldorf, you are roughly half the size of Statler. I understand that you are not the smartest and strongest of your kind, and domestication has protected you from natural selection.

But.

This thing where you decide that you are not interested in your carrot, lettuce, hay, water bottle, any loving thing you have of your own, but must have Statler's will not end well for you. Statler has grown tired of your poo poo. If he were not an idiot, he would flop his fat rear end on top of you. While I would move him. It would take me a long rear end time to walk over to the cage. Also, you are extremely brave when it comes to picking a fight with Statler. But you poo poo yourself and try to run through the cage if your shadow catches your eye sight wrong.

And my fingers are not a chew toy.

Idiot.



Statler. There is hay in your bin. THere is pellets in your other bin. Water in the bottle, the cage is clean, you have a half eaten carrot and some lettuce. This WEEEEEEK WEEEEK I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY THING TO EAT IN MY LIFE I AM STARVING GIVE ME WHAT EVER IS IN THAT NOISE OF MYSTERY THING I JUST HEARD WEEEEEEK WEEEEEEEK bullshit needs to stop. Also, you have chew sticks, chew loofa tooth things, that wheel/loofa/lava block thing, more chew sticks... STOP CHEWING ON THE loving CAGE. Holy poo poo you moron. Chew on the chew stuff, not the metal loving bars. And doing so in the middle of the night is getting REAL OLD.

Stop letting Waldorf bully you while you are at it.



I swear to god I am going to feed you two to a python.

Ultimate Shrek Fan
May 2, 2005
Probation
Can't post for 12 days!


cyberia posted:

More like drat you dog for destroying that bone in an hour so I have to throw it out and now you're sad because you've got no bone so you're going to go and chew the bookshelf to make yourself feel better.

That makes a lot more sense than you being mad at your dog for chewing it's bone

bunnyofdoom
Mar 29, 2008





Harriet, you are in your carrier right now, sitting on my bed, not going anyway, becuase when I tried to clean out your litterbox, you decided t pounce on me like a retarded cat. I was nowhere near your cage, nor any of your secure places, so gently caress right off.

Ferremit
Sep 14, 2007
if I haven't posted about MY LANDCRUISER yet, check my bullbars for kangaroo prints

Jesus H loving christ Smudge, I know you've got the shits and its not pleasant for either of us- You backing it out or me trying to herd it around the litter box into a baggie to get rid of it, but DONT MAKE IT A MILLION TIMES WORSE BY GETTING SCARED OF *insert random object here* AND HUNCHING DOWN IN IT!

And for the love of god if you DO get poo poo on yourself, DONT TRACK IT ALL OVER THE loving LAUNDRY. And when i wash your sorry arse/legs/tail/belly/nipples clean of poo, Dont freak out and jump out of the laundry tub AND GO BACK INTO THE poo poo TO HIDE.

You are a loving spethal cat, What the gently caress did I do to deserve the short bus cat?

Flaccid Trip
Apr 29, 2008



I'm not sure why you felt I needed vomit in my lap, but thank you, Sheila.

Rickycat
Nov 26, 2007

by Lowtax


dear niko:

so i set my alarm for 8am to try and get back on a proper sleep schedule. thank you though for being my own personal alarm clock by hacking up a hairball as loud as loving possible 2 feet away from my bed at 5am.

dear dip:

after the hairball incident with your brother thank you for waiting 15 minutes after i laid back down in bed and almost fell asleep before repeatedly chasing a bottle cap into the bedroom wall. you didn't stop short of the wall, no, you went whole hog and just rammed right into it. your name is a perfect descriptor of your actions.

Genocide Tendency
Dec 24, 2009

I get mental health care from the medical equivalent of Skillcraft.


I understand new things upset both of you.

But.

I had to replace the paper bedding because you two stupid fucks would do nothing but sneeze when I turned over the bedding. So now you have a nice fleece mat.

ITS NOT MOLTEN loving LAVA. Stop being scared of it.

And be warned. They fished an 18+ foot snake out of the Everglades a couple days ago. It's a 2 hour drive for me. So it would be a poor life choice if you two rodents decide that 2 in the loving morning is the best time to chase each other/bitch at each other/establish dominance/ stage a god drat prison break.


I should have gotten a cat instead.

Idiots.

Rickycat
Nov 26, 2007

by Lowtax


Genocide Tendency posted:

I should have gotten a cat instead.

they do the same. loving. thing.



look at this fucker. he's just waiting for me to go to bed before freaking out and run laps.

you can have him if you want.

Ferremit
Sep 14, 2007
if I haven't posted about MY LANDCRUISER yet, check my bullbars for kangaroo prints

Isaac, For once in your miserable loving existence, CLEAN YOUR OWN loving ARSE! IM TOTALLY SICK OF HAVING TO WRESTLE YOU TO WIPE THE poo poo OFF YOUR loving BUTTHOLE BEFORE YOU POSTAGE STAMP THE CARPET!

MrYenko
Jun 17, 2012

#2 isn't ALWAYS bad...


Ferremit posted:

Isaac, For once in your miserable loving existence, CLEAN YOUR OWN loving ARSE! IM TOTALLY SICK OF HAVING TO WRESTLE YOU TO WIPE THE poo poo OFF YOUR loving BUTTHOLE BEFORE YOU POSTAGE STAMP THE CARPET!

To be fair, if my only option was leaning back and giving myself a rimjob, I'd have a lovely rear end too.

Flaccid Trip
Apr 29, 2008



Dear Sheila

You are a fat lump.

Tendai
Mar 16, 2007

"When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber."



Grimey Drawer

Kiska you stupid rear end in a top hat cat (see Figure A).

When I tell you I want you to stop leaving dead voles in the office where I have to go search for them, I didn't mean that you should instead leave still-living voles that you've played with till they're paralyzed from the "waist" down right by my desk, so they're dragging themselves around squeaking.

You loving shitass dumb cat agh.


Figure A: An rear end in a top hat

Just Offscreen
Jun 29, 2006



Tendai posted:

When I tell you I want you to stop leaving dead voles in the office where I have to go search for them, I didn't mean that you should instead leave still-living voles that you've played with till they're paralyzed from the "waist" down right by my desk, so they're dragging themselves around squeaking.

He only does that so you can learn to kill voles on your own- don't be so ungrateful!

Also look at this rear end in a top hat



He used to be so cute! Then he changed. Unforgivable.

Philip Rivers
Mar 15, 2010



my cat is an idiot moron and I swear to f*cking god earl if you steal my seat ONE MORE TIME im gonna sit on you and just fart uncontrollably

Rickycat
Nov 26, 2007

by Lowtax


Philip Rivers posted:

my cat is an idiot moron and I swear to f*cking god earl if you steal my seat ONE MORE TIME im gonna sit on you and just fart uncontrollably

that tends to happen when you name your pet earl

source: i have a cat named dip and he pulls the same poo poo

emanresu tnuocca
Sep 2, 2011

Clarke has more acting talent in her brows than most other actors, including herself, have in their entire body.



My stupid piece of poo poo german shepherd/malinois mutt bit some neighbors' dog about 4 hours ago and really ripped open its paw so I just spent half the night driving a dog who's not mine to the allnight vet clinic and spent 300$ getting it patched up. most of the time I put a muzzle on this stupidly aggressive creature or at the very least make sure she doesn't get close to any dog she's not friendly towards but it was the middle of the night and he was just standing around a corner after we cleared it while both me and its owners had our faces down to our phones.

Idiot dog.

Obvious it's my fault for not getting her trained properly. I guess it's better late than never.

anotherblownsave
Feb 26, 2008

The sponsors will like you better this way, trust me.



Quilla you fat loving cat. You might possibly be retarded, I think you are. You weigh 20 pounds and eat one cup of food a day. I can't figure out how this happens but I suspect you're stealing the dogs food, and that's why the dog hates you. Please learn to cover your poo poo, you're almost 7 years old and haven't figured it out yet. You leave the box and then start trying to cover it, by pawing at anything and everything ....except the loving litter in the box.

Ferremit
Sep 14, 2007
if I haven't posted about MY LANDCRUISER yet, check my bullbars for kangaroo prints

So smudge... You realise that only showing any sign of affection towards us because your hungry means that your going to spend a lot more of your life hungry, right?

EXTREME INSERTION
Jun 4, 2011

by LadyAmbien


The cat knocks things off the table

The puppy eats them

kitten
Feb 6, 2003


EXTREME INSERTION posted:

The cat knocks things off the table

The puppy eats them

The cat also brings the puppy his mousies.

anotherblownsave
Feb 26, 2008

The sponsors will like you better this way, trust me.



I feel like the overwhelming majority of pets being hell dumped are cats. So I'm gonna hell dump my bird. Stop loving making GBS threads on me. Don't you know I'm the one who feeds you?

Rickycat
Nov 26, 2007

by Lowtax


EXTREME INSERTION posted:

The cat knocks things off the table

The puppy eats them

that poor cat rip

EXTREME INSERTION
Jun 4, 2011

by LadyAmbien


The cats make the poop

The puppy eats the poop

EXTREME INSERTION
Jun 4, 2011

by LadyAmbien


I have an ecosystem

Pile of Kittens
Apr 23, 2005

Why does everything STILL smell like pussy?



anotherblownsave posted:

I feel like the overwhelming majority of pets being hell dumped are cats. So I'm gonna hell dump my bird. Stop loving making GBS threads on me. Don't you know I'm the one who feeds you?

Bird, please do not yell at me to pick you up, then yell at me for picking you up and bite me because I did it wrong. Make your goddamn mind up, fuckface.

Chicken in Black
May 22, 2005

So lovely

anotherblownsave posted:

I feel like the overwhelming majority of pets being hell dumped are cats. So I'm gonna hell dump my bird. Stop loving making GBS threads on me. Don't you know I'm the one who feeds you?

Bird, please stop hopping onto my laptop in order to poo poo on the keys. Also please stop trying to rip the keys off, you little bastard.

Kluliss
Mar 6, 2011

Cake, is it a drug, or is it simply a delicious chocolatey piece of heaven?


Wraggler, we had all your lady-parts removed a couple of months ago so that you couldn't go into heat and would be less likely to hump people, yet last night, you humped our friend. Please, for the love of all that's green, don't do that again.

Rickycat
Nov 26, 2007

by Lowtax


dear dip:

congrats you did it again. while you managed to be in the litter box while peeing, somehow you managed to pee on the wood under the sink just outside of the litter box. how did you do that? it's kind of fascinating because you have to purposefully try to make it arch so high. are you keeping tabs on how high so that you can beat your record next time?

i'd probably be more annoyed if not for the fact that i probably lost my security deposit a good 2 years ago.

EXTREME INSERTION
Jun 4, 2011

by LadyAmbien


WHY DID YOU EAT MY LUNCH

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Puppy Galaxy
Aug 1, 2004


Lipstick Apathy

Rickycat posted:

dear dip:

congrats you did it again. while you managed to be in the litter box while peeing, somehow you managed to pee on the wood under the sink just outside of the litter box. how did you do that? it's kind of fascinating because you have to purposefully try to make it arch so high. are you keeping tabs on how high so that you can beat your record next time?

i'd probably be more annoyed if not for the fact that i probably lost my security deposit a good 2 years ago.

My ex's cat was pissing just outside the litter box for months, constantly. It was totally seeped into the hardwood. The floorboards also had some gaps in them and there was litter just loving caked in there. I scraped as much as I could put with a butter knife but the room still reeked of cat piss when we moved out.

We got the full loving deposit back. Still can't believe it.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply
«33 »