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KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008












Royal Rumble

The Royal Rumble Match
Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Rusev vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ??? vs. ???

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
Brock Lesnar © vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins

RAW RESULTS

Cena comes out and recaps what has gone on the last few weeks. He wants The Authority to give Ziggler, Ryback & Rowan their jobs back. Tells the fans to tweet out #AUTHORITYSUCKS. When he starts to wrap up and we're 10 minutes into the show, HHH & Steph come out.

Stephanie acts annoying. HHH recaps everything John Cena said except from the Authority POV. HHH offers Cena a shot to get all 3 men their job back - he just has to win tonight! A Lumberjack match vs. Seth Rollins!

Seth Rollins defeated John Cena via Pinfall (10:16). Not even 1 minute into the match Cena made sure to leave the ring and punch out Barrett, before sliding back in. The ring was ONLY surrounded by heels and when Cena was thrown out they would all swarm him. 30 seconds into a return from commercial, Cena goes into his comeback. Pretty cool spot where Rollins tries to avoid the 5 knuckle shuffle by kicking Cena from the bottom - but Cena grabs the foot and goes for an STFU. Cena hits the AA but lumberjacks interfere and pull Rollins out - causing Cena to do a dive on EVERYONE that isn't Big Show. Cena ends up hitting another AA and gets pulled out of the ring and stomped - I have no idea how this isn't a DQ. Is Lumberjack pure No DQ? Cena gets thrown back in and locks in an STFU but Kane ends up pulling Rollins out. Big Show pulls out Cena and hits a Knockout punch, throws Cena in who gets pinned - and that's the finish.

Stephanie talks down to the Usos and tries to make them scared. "Is that it" says one Uso. She says yes - OH WAIT NO Naomi is going to have to wrestle with her hand behind her back!!! Dean Ambrose was apparently erratic in the hospital after his ambulance match - so he needs to be diagnosed by a psychiatric doctor. If he's too CRAZY then he won't be in the Rumble.

Mizdow cut a promo. I don't know what they said but it was like 30 seconds.

After that promo Ambrose & The doctor were already about to start. They're fast.

Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods defeated Cesaro & Tyson Kidd via Pinfall (3:49). Adam Rose and the PARTY BUS were on the outside. Xavier Woods has a hilarious move where he flips and then does a jumping lariat killing all of his momentum. Finish came when Kofi & Woods did this awesome double team that was a BACKBREAKER into a DOUBLE STOMP.

They announce that Macho Man is...EXPECTED to be going into the Hall of Fame. Instead of a video package they show people going "oh yeah" and "dig it" and nothing else.

Big Show cuts a promo talking about himself. Fans I think are chanting boring. Big Show mocks the fans - calling them losers. Big Show says he doesn't think of Roman Reigns as competition. Roman Reigns comes out and he is going to :siren: CUT A PROMO :siren:. Big Show left the ring. Roman Reigns says he remembers when Show won the WCW championship - back when he was 12 years old! Roman Reigns tells the story of Jack & The Beanstalk except replaces the giant with Big Show and him as Jack. Not even loving joking. Luke Harper comes out for a match.

Roman Reigns defeats Luke Harper via Pinfall (7:20). Finish came when Big Show tried to interfere but Reigns was able to fight him off. He hit a spear on Harper for the pinfall. After the match, Big Show knocked him out.

Jimmy Uso is trying to make Naomi feel better backstage. She's upset.

Alicia Fox defeats Naomi via Pinfall (3:32). Naomi starts out rad even with 1 arm, but she gets finished with a Scissor Kick.

Dean Ambrose & his Psychiatrist. They're doing lots of comedy with him doing word association with pictures of co workers and his bosses. The punchline is HACKSAW showed up and he went "HOOOOOO". Then they showed Stephanie, and he went "HOOOOOOOO"!

Mizdow promo about THE GOLDEN GLOBES!!! Damien Mizdow has his own movie in the works and its all from webcams in Miz's house. Weird.

Brock Lesnar & Heyman are here! They hype the match for the Royal Rumble and leave. [Hulkamatt recap ends here.]

There is another video package for people doing Macho Man impersonations until it ends with Kane no selling it.

Miz defeats an Uso via pinfall after a Skull Crushing Finale. Mizdow kept putting himself in the ring to take bumps like Miz and this distracted the other Uso and the referee.

DANIEL BRYAN IS HERE AND HE LOOKS LIKE A LUMBERJACK!!! Crowd is erupting in Yes chants. Probably hottest they've been all night. Bryan asks coyly what happened last time he was here. He says it feels very familiar. He mentions how he's just kidding and says last time in that city he was main eventing Wrestlemania and winning the World Heavyweight Championship. Bryan then says this year he will repeat it in a row and mainevent yet again! Stephanie comes out and offers him her workout DVD if he's not feeling fit enough to wrestle still. Steph says that last year was a high at first but if there is one thing anyone remembers from 2014 it was Bryan being injured. Steph says that main event wrestlers never get injured and always stay on top and Bryan has been gone and doing rehab and getting surgeries.

Steph asks him if all of that is worth it to happen all over again. The crowd starts shouting Yes! Then Bryan joins in rallying them on. Bryan jokes that he should start doing the Yes chant more often because it probably is a better work out than whats on her DVD. Bryan says he is just like everyone else, not a silver spoon mouthed rich kid. He says he will always fight, always staying ahead of the McMahons and proving them wrong yet again. Steph then announces that this THURSDAY ON THE NEW SMACKDOWN NIGHT Bryan will face Kane. Kane comes down to the ring and Bryan takes it right to him before getting tossed into some stairs. Kane goes to tombstone Bryan on the stairs, but Kane gets tossed into the stairs. Bryan unleashes the beast on Kane until referees pull him off. Kane tries running away but Bryan keeps coming at him with dropkicks and dives to the outside. Kane runs off finally and Bryan celebrates in the ring to another loud crowd reaction.

Seth Rollins is backstage talking to his security crew. He brags about beating Cena yet again. Brock is standing behind him and jokes that Seth is proud of beating Cena. Brock calls him a weasel, but Seth cuts him off saying he's the future. Brock says the future starts when he lets it start. Heyman breaks up the confrontation and says both men should focus on Cena.

Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella defeats Paige w/ Natalya and Tyson Kidd. Tyson Kidd distracted Paige I guess and Brie won with a roll up. Paige got mad and slapped Kidd, which caused Natalya to laugh. Kidd shouted at her.

CENA BROODING BACKSTAGE.

Bray Wyatt Rambling promo about being in the Rumble.

OFFICIALLY IN THE WWE HALL OF FAME: MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE!!! OOOOHH YEAH!! DIG IT!!! Fun video package. Hogan is inducting Savage lmao.

The Illuminati erase two more men from history in about 1min 9sec. The Ascension are going to erase the Powers of Pain, Demolition and the Road Warriors to the list of people history will forget.

Dean Ambrose has broken the therapist and he himself has become the doctor. He pulls the old switcheroo and is officially in the Royal Rumble. Dean then mocks him after comforting the doctor.

Lana and Rusev are in the ring. Lana says that Rusev was supposed to wrestle Ryback tonight, but he was, how us Americans say "canned". USA chants and Lana tells them to shut up. Lana calls Ryback a loser sitting at home. Rusev mocks Ryback saying he is spineless coward. He says that if Ryback was in Rumble he'd throw him over the ropes with 29 other men. Rusev says that won't happen though because the Super American John Cena was too weak compared to the Super Russian Rusev. Dean Ambrose's music hits and runs to the ring and dropkick Rusev right out the ring. Ambrose stands tall. This leads to Rusev vs. Ambrose when we come back form a commercial break.

Rusev wins the match when Dean's knee starts acting up and the referee says he can not continue wrestling. Dean says that's bullshit and goes to continue fighting only to be laid out with a superkick. Rusev poses with the big Russian flag.

Contract signing for the Triple Threat WWE Championship match is next. The Authority is in the ring and mention buying the WWE Network for $9.99. They then introduce Seth Rollins, John Cena, and Brock Lesnar to the ring one by one. Heyman says that Seth planned the Authority to be reinstated, but Heyman OK'd the idea because Brock is pro Authority because they are a pain in Cena's side. Seth cuts off Heyman, but Heyman says Brock has conquered everything and that includes the future. Seth asks if Heyman is unhappy and Heyman goes drat right because this smells like a double cross from a mile away. Seth hypes up Brock sarcastically about conquering so much and being afraid of a triple threat. Heyman is about to speak but Seth cuts him off. He says he doesn't care about Brock's accomplishments because Brock doesn't have Seth's accomplishments. Seth says he founded the Shield, is Mr Money in the Bank, the new face of the Authority, and got 3 men fired. He rubs that in Cena's face. Brock grabs the microphone as Seth signs the contract. He says he conquered Undertaker, Triple H, and John Cena so a little kid like him will be nothing. Cena grabs the microphone and says he's gonna kick everyones rear end in this ring and signs the contract. Brock then signs it too, ready for a fight. Seth rubs Cena's failures in his face yet again. They begin to brawl with Cena backing Seth in a corner only to be german suplexed by Brock. Brock then suplexes Seth, He goes after Cena again but Brock get Attitude Adjustement'd through the table. Cena yells at Triple H so he gets sneak attacked by Seth which ends in a curb stomp to Cena. The recovering Brock also eats a curb stomp. During this chaos WWE reminds us, via video package, that Macho Man Randy Savage is dead and hypes a sneak peak to a DVD about Savage on the WWE Network. It comes back to the Authority posing on the ramp as Cena and Brock both struggle and look at them in anger to end Raw.

KungFu Grip fucked around with this message at 05:19 on Jan 13, 2015

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HulkaMatt
Feb 14, 2006

BIG BICEPS SHOHEI


I can't believe the Ambrose / Wyatt feud looks like it's over.

Peanut President
Nov 5, 2008



gently caress you, WWE.

RacistGuidingLight
Apr 5, 2009

by FactsAreUseless

HulkaMatt posted:

I can't believe the Ambrose / Wyatt feud looks like it's over.

Good.

Thauros
Jan 29, 2003

Despite Brock and DB being there I certainly didn't see anything in that recap that made me regret my decision not to watch.

HulkaMatt
Feb 14, 2006

BIG BICEPS SHOHEI



I mean it was a real failure of a feud - I'm just shocked they ended it this way.

The Landstander
Apr 20, 2004

I stand on land.
Roman Reigns is being given poo poo material.

Rollins is really stepping up his game and he's been a highlight through a several month notable down period. He was great tonight.

Daniel Bryan is still really cool.

sticklefifer
Nov 11, 2003

by VideoGames
Fairly solid Raw. The matches weren't all that great but segment-wise it was pretty balanced for the roster and went so far as to make Rollins look like he actually belongs in the main event, by standing up to Brock of all people.

Also with all the Macho Man talk, a reminder that this is a thing that exists:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bifmj1O3D24

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

I thought that was a pretty okay Raw, it certainly got better as the night went on and I really liked the ending segment. Seth sold me on the idea of a straight up Seth/Brock feud (with Heyman verbally jousting with Seth throughout) but when Cena did get involved it actually worked really well.

The worst part was definitely Roman slogging his way through another amazingly inappropriate promo for his character, or the profoundly terrible way they did the finish to Ambrose/Rusev. The latter is clearly setting up for a rematch/feud between the two but they pulled off the match being called off by the ref in the worst possible way.

Thauros
Jan 29, 2003

Apparently Reigns' promo was bad, but how did Bryan come off on the mic?

HulkaMatt posted:

I mean it was a real failure of a feud - I'm just shocked they ended it this way.

It certainly suceeded in making me care less about two guys that I was a fan of earlier in 2014.

Thauros fucked around with this message at 05:23 on Jan 13, 2015

Sigma
Aug 24, 2003

...
Grimey Drawer
Fee Fi Fo gently caress Reigns

Intruder
Mar 5, 2003

Ambrose saying "Thursday!" was funny

That's about it for things I cared about

Prozach
Oct 30, 2013

When God invented Lycra, he was thinking about Divas matches.
Maaaaagic beans.

rovert
Jun 10, 2013
DANIEL BRYAN DID THE BABYFACE PROMISE THAT HE WOULD WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE

WrasslorMonkey
Mar 5, 2012

Thauros posted:

Apparently Reigns' promo was bad, but how did Bryan come off on the mic?

I was laughing (in a good way). He called Steph a ho which was a reference to a hilarious Ambrose bit earlier in the show. Solid B+ promo.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

Thauros posted:

Apparently Reigns' promo was bad, but how did Bryan come off on the mic?

Great fun as always, it was really great to see him back and reacting all,"Haha okay whatever :haw:" to Steph's attempts to troll him.

NutritiousSnack
Jul 12, 2011

Thauros posted:

Apparently Reigns' promo was bad, but how did Bryan come off on the mic?

Good not great, but that's all he needs.

Intruder
Mar 5, 2003

Oh yeah and Hogan inducting Macho Man is a hilarious troll

oatgan
Jan 15, 2009

what a strange raw. I think I hated it but I loved the main event segment so I dunno.

Thauros posted:

Apparently Reigns' promo was bad, but how did Bryan come off on the mic?

pretty standard "I'm Daniel Bryan and I'm just an average guy" promo

NutritiousSnack
Jul 12, 2011
Seriously why was Regins given this push, the crowd is already turning on him. Why not put over Ambrose or Bryan?

Sono
Apr 9, 2008




I can't decide if my favorite part of Raw was Roman Reigns talking about his magic beans or Big Show cutting a City Name Sports Team promo on the wrong city.

Cardboard Box
Jul 14, 2009

raw sounds like basically everything i have no interest in is happening so thats cool

Onmi
Jul 12, 2013

If someone says it one more time I'm having Florina show up as a corpse. I'm not even kidding, I was pissed off with people doing that shit back in 2010, and I'm not dealing with it now in 2016.

NutritiousSnack posted:

Seriously why was Regins given this push, the crowd is already turning on him. Why not put over Ambrose or Bryan?

Because they would be given the same promo's and the crowd would turn on them. This is Vince PERSONALLY SCRIPTING Reigns, who cannot do a scripted promo, he can do a natural promo pretty drat well but he sucks with a script.

oatgan
Jan 15, 2009

wwe actually said at the beginning of the show "we've received word that WWE MIGHT be announcing Randy Savage as the first member of the HOF Class of 2015" and even made a video of wrestlers doing Macho Man impressions to promote this rumor but would not confirm that Randy Savage was being inducted in the hall of fame until 2 hours later

RacistGuidingLight
Apr 5, 2009

by FactsAreUseless

HulkaMatt posted:

I mean it was a real failure of a feud - I'm just shocked they ended it this way.

I'm glad that it did and abruptly. It was doing nobody any favors, wasn't good to watch and instead of doing the post ambulance match thing of keeping someone off tv for a while to sell us on the fact that they died they just moved on. Works out well on all accounts.

Cardboard Box
Jul 14, 2009

also making dean ambrose a crazy comedy character is bad and i hate it

sticklefifer
Nov 11, 2003

by VideoGames

oatgan posted:

wwe actually said at the beginning of the show "we've received word that WWE MIGHT be announcing Randy Savage as the first member of the HOF Class of 2015" and even made a video of wrestlers doing Macho Man impressions to promote this rumor but would not confirm that Randy Savage was being inducted in the hall of fame until 2 hours later

It was that he was "expected" to be inducted, and they didn't show any video of him, so I'm wondering if there was a call they were waiting for.

Shima Honnou
Dec 1, 2010

The Once And Future King Of Dicetroit

College Slice

The Landstander posted:

Roman Reigns is being given poo poo material.

Rollins is really stepping up his game and he's been a highlight through a several month notable down period. He was great tonight.

Daniel Bryan is still really cool.

Notice that Dean Ambrose isn't mentioned at all and is basically forgotten, just like in reality where he gets beaten up so bad a ref has to save him.


Thauros posted:

Apparently Reigns' promo was bad, but how did Bryan come off on the mic?

Bryan on the mic makes me want to die and I watch reality TV professionally.

Daniel Bryan
May 23, 2006

GOAT

Thauros posted:

Apparently Reigns' promo was bad, but how did Bryan come off on the mic?

Fine. Screamed about how he WAS going to win the Royal Rumble. Whoever is scripting him seems to get his character because it never feels out of place. That's about all I ask for.

NutritiousSnack
Jul 12, 2011

Onmi posted:

Because they would be given the same promo's and the crowd would turn on them. This is Vince PERSONALLY SCRIPTING Reigns, who cannot do a scripted promo, he can do a natural promo pretty drat well but he sucks with a script.

Ambrose can do this stupid scripted bullshit though: see the stupid poo poo he made into "gold" this RAW

DukeofCA
Aug 18, 2011

I am shocked and appalled.
I love how two weeks out from one of the main PPV's of the year, every championship except the WWEWHC is "No Challenger".

achillesforever6
Apr 23, 2012

psst you wanna do a communism?

NutritiousSnack posted:

Seriously why was Regins given this push, the crowd is already turning on him. Why not put over Ambrose or Bryan?
Because he looks like and is related to the Rock ergo he should be the next golden boy

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Setter is Better.

sticklefifer posted:

It was that he was "expected" to be inducted, and they didn't show any video of him, so I'm wondering if there was a call they were waiting for.

now i wish he wasn't inducted, because that would have been fantastic

STAC Goat
Mar 12, 2008

Watching you sleep.

Butt first, let's
check the feeds.

While I spent a fair amount of the night watching the game this was the first RAW I paid any real attention to since before Christmas, maybe even before Thanksgivinb. My take away is that Reigns and Ambrose suck now and Rollins and Bryan are cool. And I don't care about anyone else on RAW.

Is that about right?

Intruder
Mar 5, 2003

Am I crazy or did they advertise that Bryan was going to face Kane on THURSDAY! long before Stephanie announced it?

Roman Reigns
Aug 23, 2007

John Cena looks like he hasn't slept in days.

NutritiousSnack
Jul 12, 2011

STAC Goat posted:

While I spent a fair amount of the night watching the game this was the first RAW I paid any real attention to since before Christmas, maybe even before Thanksgivinb. My take away is that Reigns and Ambrose suck now and Rollins and Bryan are cool. And I don't care about anyone else on RAW.

Is that about right?

Ambrose is still good but yes.

achillesforever6
Apr 23, 2012

psst you wanna do a communism?

STAC Goat posted:

While I spent a fair amount of the night watching the game this was the first RAW I paid any real attention to since before Christmas, maybe even before Thanksgivinb. My take away is that Reigns and Ambrose suck now and Rollins and Bryan are cool. And I don't care about anyone else on RAW.

Is that about right?
No Ambrose is still cool, they are just trying to force him into the midcard and make him as over as they want him to be.

Sono
Apr 9, 2008




Intruder posted:

Am I crazy or did they advertise that Bryan was going to face Kane on THURSDAY! long before Stephanie announced it?

I don't recall Kane being mentioned, just that Bryan was wrestling.

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oatgan
Jan 15, 2009

Intruder posted:

Am I crazy or did they advertise that Bryan was going to face Kane on THURSDAY! long before Stephanie announced it?

i think The Sheetz announced he would return to the ring on Smackdown but not that Kane would be his opponent

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