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WetNightmare


He doesn't care though and hangs out in the Matrix with Jerry making observations about the Matrix.

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bacalou



george: human batteries, jerry! billions of 'em!

jerry [absentmindedly]: batteries, yeah...

WetNightmare


Oracle: I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the vase.

George: What vase?

[George turns to look for a vase, and as he does, he knocks over a vase of flowers, which shatters on the floor]

Oracle: That vase.

George: Oh, I'm so clumsy!

Oracle: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my kids to fix it.

George: [looks at vase] Oh my God, my parents... th-they have an identical vase at their house! Let me get it for you!

Oracle: No, George, really, the future of mankind is -

George: [shoulders coat] [running out door] Hold that thought!

Afro Doug


Piso Mojado

Jerry - "And you wanna be my savior of the human race." *shakes his head*

WetNightmare


costanaza: i cant be the chosen one! i-i-ive never been chosen for anything! i dont know how to be chosen!
jerry: face it, you're chosen.
costanza: i'm not going to be chosen!
jerry: you choose not to be chosen?
costanaza: i choose not to be chosen!

Piso Mojado

WetNightmare posted:

costanaza: i cant be the chosen one! i-i-ive never been chosen for anything! i dont know how to be chosen!
jerry: face it, you're chosen.
costanza: i'm not going to be chosen!
jerry: you choose not to be chosen?
costanaza: i choose not to be chosen!

WetNightmare


george: so right now we're in a computer program?
morpheus: is it really so hard to believe? your clothes are different, the plugs in your arms and head are gone.
george: so you're really not a minority then.
morpheus: excuse me? i...dont understand.
george: you know, your race... [air quotes] "african american" [snorts] i mean, the human race is the minority, right? come on, right?
morpheus: please pay close attention to what i'm telling you and don't interrupt with this sort of trivial conjecture.
george: mr. morpheus, i am paying closer attention than you will ever know.

Piso Mojado

Georges mom yelling - "whadya mean youre choosing not to be chosen? You can't do that. Youre chosen."

George's dad screaming- "NO SON OF MINE IS GOING TO TAKE THE BLUE PILL! NOT WHILE I'M ALIVE!!!"

joke_explainer



WetNightmare buddy...

joke_explainer



Just stabbing me in the back. You knew this was my gig. Harsh, man, but comedy is a tough world.

joke_explainer



http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...3#post432254247

bacalou



[flashback]
oracle: oh, don't worry about it. as soon as you step outside that door, you'll start feeling better. you'll remember you don't believe in any of this fate crap. you're in control of your own life, remember? here, take a cookie. i promise, by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel right as rain.
[/flashback]
jerry: and then what happened?
george: i took a cookie and left?
jerry: you took the cookie?
george: took the cookie, jerry!
jerry [after a pause]: well, was it a good cookie?
george [exasperated]: oatmeal rasin!
jerry [disgusted and unbelieving]: ugh! didja eat it?
george: of course not! i... i threw it away before i got here
[kramer busts in through the door]
kramer: woah! you'll never believe what i just found on the sidewalk!

bacalou



george: trinity now!

Piso Mojado


That was a good post.

Piso Mojado

bacalou posted:

[flashback]
oracle: oh, don't worry about it. as soon as you step outside that door, you'll start feeling better. you'll remember you don't believe in any of this fate crap. you're in control of your own life, remember? here, take a cookie. i promise, by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel right as rain.
[/flashback]
jerry: and then what happened?
george: i took a cookie and left?
jerry: you took the cookie?
george: took the cookie, jerry!
jerry [after a pause]: well, was it a good cookie?
george [exasperated]: oatmeal rasin!
jerry [disgusted and unbelieving]: ugh! didja eat it?
george: of course not! i... i threw it away before i got here
[kramer busts in through the door]
kramer: woah! you'll never believe what i just found on the sidewalk!

tao of lmao

WetNightmare posted:

costanaza: i cant be the chosen one! i-i-ive never been chosen for anything! i dont know how to be chosen!
jerry: face it, you're chosen.
costanza: i'm not going to be chosen!
jerry: you choose not to be chosen?
costanaza: i choose not to be chosen!

Bwee

WetNightmare posted:

costanaza: i cant be the chosen one! i-i-ive never been chosen for anything! i dont know how to be chosen!
jerry: face it, you're chosen.
costanza: i'm not going to be chosen!
jerry: you choose not to be chosen?
costanaza: i choose not to be chosen!

WetNightmare



whoops i thought i was having an original idea but i was just remembering that post

WetNightmare


write some more of them pls Security Drone

Gross Dude

Gross Dude

WetNightmare posted:

costanaza: i cant be the chosen one! i-i-ive never been chosen for anything! i dont know how to be chosen!
jerry: face it, you're chosen.
costanza: i'm not going to be chosen!
jerry: you choose not to be chosen?
costanaza: i choose not to be chosen!

This is legit good

tao of lmao

*at diner*
George: I know kung fu
Jerry: You know kung fu?
George: I know kung fu
Elaine: You do NOT know kung fu
George: *smug* I know kung fu
*kramer walks in*
Jerry: George knows kung fu
Kramer: Yeah I know
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: You knew?
Kramer: I did
Jerry: You knew that he knew kung fu?
Kramer: Yeah man it's all these computers. The internet. They jack you in and *convulses*
Jerry: Well, now i've heard everything
*bass line to outro*

WetNightmare


After Costanza refuses to free Kramer from The Matrix so he can stretch his legs, Kramer mistakenly takes Viagra in hopes that the blue pill will release him from the simulation.

Ace of Baes

George: She's cheating on me with a program!
Jerry: A program?!
George: A program!
Jerry: Well I mean is it really cheating...
George: It's not okay Jerry!
Kramer: I dont see whats wrong with it, I got plenty of friends who are programs.
Elaine: You are a program.
George: Im gonna get a program of my own, that'll show her!
Jerry: You do that, you get em.
(George spends the rest of the episode getting rejected by programs while Kramer accidently starts an underground program prostitution ring)

Jenkem Delivery

Death created time to grow the things that it would kill
George: So I'm going to order some soup from the soup nazi

Elaine: God I hate that guy

George: And I got out of line because I saw the same cat walk by twice, deja vu!

Jerry: Deja Vu?

George: Deja Vu, Jerry in the Soup Nazi's line of all places!

Elaine: So what did the soup nazi do when you got out of line?

George: He transformed into this Agent and started shooting at me!

Jerry: The soup nazi shot at you?

George: But it wasn't the soup nazi, it was an Agent. One moment the soup nazi is yelling at me the next he's turned into an Agent blasting away!

Elaine: Did you shoot back?

George: No way everything went into slow motion so I grabbed the first cup of soup I saw on the counter and got out of there!

Stormyish


7777777 posted:

George: She's cheating on me with a program!
Jerry: A program?!
George: A program!
Jerry: Well I mean is it really cheating...
George: It's not okay Jerry!
Kramer: I dont see whats wrong with it, I got plenty of friends who are programs.
Elaine: You are a program.
George: Im gonna get a program of my own, that'll show her!
Jerry: You do that, you get em.
(George spends the rest of the episode getting rejected by programs while Kramer accidently starts an underground program prostitution ring)

Finger Prince

Raor.

I want to watch this movie

joke_explainer



AGENT JERRY

You're killing me, Costanza. You're living two lives. In one life, you're George A. Costanza, a moderately successful Bra salesman for a respectable company. You got a social security number, you pay your taxes like everybody else, you help your landlady takes out her garbage.

[AGENT JERRY takes off his sunglasses]

AGENT JERRY

The other life is lived in the computers, where you go by the alias Neo! Neo! What's with that? There's nothing new about you!

GEORGE

I'm fresh! I'm new! The kids are hip to me on the computers, Jerry!

AGENT JERRY

No, George, No. You're guilty of just about every computer crime in the books. You're not covering your tracks. You got no work ethic, George... Listen, you got a basic call to make here. Only one of these lives has a future, capische?

GEORGE fidgets nervously, sweating bullets.

AGENT JERRY

I'm gonna be straight with you. As much as it pains me to say it, we need your help. It's important George. I know NEWMAN has been trying to have a little chat with you.

AGENT JERRY shrugs. GEORGE is silent.

AGENT JERRY

Whatever you think you know about this scumbag, it's wrong. He's a very dangerous, very tedious man. The fact is he's wanted for inumerable crimes George, he's just all over the board here. You help me bring this terrorist in, we make these charges disappear, sounds good right? Everybody wins?

AGENT JERRY smiles expectantly.

GEORGE stares forward, suddenly calmer.

Yeah, yeah yeah. Sounds great. Such a great deal. Really cutting old George some slack here, aren't you. Well listen Jerry. I have a counter offer.

GEORGE flips off JERRY.

AGENT JERRY

Oh for the love of. You gotta flip the bird.

GEORGE

I'm flipping the bird, Jerry! I'm flipping it! The bird has been flipped!

AGENT JERRY

[sarcastically] Oh my word, I'm so offended.

GEORGE

You better be! I'm not scared of your whole secret police schtick! I got rights! The ACLU is gonna hear about this, Jerry!

AGENT JERRY's eyes grow suddenly cold.

AGENT JERRY

The ACLU. Really. Well, how can you report such transgressions... if you cannot speak?

GEORGE looks confused and unnerved. He immediately bolts out of the room, yelling, 'HE CALLS ME ON THE PHONE!! JUST TAP THE PHONE LINE!!'

AGENT JERRY, looking pleased, shrugging.

Didn't even have to do anything, not bad.

joke_explainer



Linedance posted:

I want to watch this movie

Yeah actually I think the Matrix would have been like 10 times better if had just been recast with the characters of Seinfeld.

Gone Fashing

KEEP POSTIN
I'M STILL LAFFIN

WetNightmare posted:

costanaza: i cant be the chosen one! i-i-ive never been chosen for anything! i dont know how to be chosen!
jerry: face it, you're chosen.
costanza: i'm not going to be chosen!
jerry: you choose not to be chosen?
costanaza: i choose not to be chosen!

lmso

Finger Prince

Raor.

Security Drone posted:

Yeah actually I think the Matrix would have been like 10 times better if had just been recast with the characters of Seinfeld.

That bald guy that sells everyone out can be Newman

WetNightmare


Security Drone posted:

AGENT JERRY

You're killing me, Costanza. You're living two lives. In one life, you're George A. Costanza, a moderately successful Bra salesman for a respectable company. You got a social security number, you pay your taxes like everybody else, you help your landlady takes out her garbage.

[AGENT JERRY takes off his sunglasses]

AGENT JERRY

The other life is lived in the computers, where you go by the alias Neo! Neo! What's with that? There's nothing new about you!

GEORGE

I'm fresh! I'm new! The kids are hip to me on the computers, Jerry!

AGENT JERRY

No, George, No. You're guilty of just about every computer crime in the books. You're not covering your tracks. You got no work ethic, George... Listen, you got a basic call to make here. Only one of these lives has a future, capische?

GEORGE fidgets nervously, sweating bullets.

AGENT JERRY

I'm gonna be straight with you. As much as it pains me to say it, we need your help. It's important George. I know NEWMAN has been trying to have a little chat with you.

AGENT JERRY shrugs. GEORGE is silent.

AGENT JERRY

Whatever you think you know about this scumbag, it's wrong. He's a very dangerous, very tedious man. The fact is he's wanted for inumerable crimes George, he's just all over the board here. You help me bring this terrorist in, we make these charges disappear, sounds good right? Everybody wins?

AGENT JERRY smiles expectantly.

GEORGE stares forward, suddenly calmer.

Yeah, yeah yeah. Sounds great. Such a great deal. Really cutting old George some slack here, aren't you. Well listen Jerry. I have a counter offer.

GEORGE flips off JERRY.

AGENT JERRY

Oh for the love of. You gotta flip the bird.

GEORGE

I'm flipping the bird, Jerry! I'm flipping it! The bird has been flipped!

AGENT JERRY

[sarcastically] Oh my word, I'm so offended.

GEORGE

You better be! I'm not scared of your whole secret police schtick! I got rights! The ACLU is gonna hear about this, Jerry!

AGENT JERRY's eyes grow suddenly cold.

AGENT JERRY

The ACLU. Really. Well, how can you report such transgressions... if you cannot speak?

GEORGE looks confused and unnerved. He immediately bolts out of the room, yelling, 'HE CALLS ME ON THE PHONE!! JUST TAP THE PHONE LINE!!'

AGENT JERRY, looking pleased, shrugging.

Didn't even have to do anything, not bad.

more

WetNightmare


costanza: i was fighting agent smith, and we were really getting into it -- i mean slamming each other into walls, kicking each other across the subway transit, the whole 9 yards!

jerry: wow. so then what happened?

costanza: we're throwing strikes at super speeds, blocking each other, when all the sudden we were locked in a grip, face-to-face.

jerry: yeah?

costanza: anderson did this thing where he flicked my adam's apple....some sort of ju-jitsu, i think....and...and, well...

jerry: aaaand?

costanza: i think it might have moved, jerry.

jerry: what might have moved?

costanza: ...you know, it.

H.H

August is the Cruelest Month

WetNightmare posted:

costanza: i was fighting agent smith, and we were really getting into it -- i mean slamming each other into walls, kicking each other across the subway transit, the whole 9 yards!

jerry: wow. so then what happened?

costanza: we're throwing strikes at super speeds, blocking each other, when all the sudden we were locked in a grip, face-to-face.

jerry: yeah?

costanza: anderson did this thing where he flicked my adam's apple....some sort of ju-jitsu, i think....and...and, well...

jerry: aaaand?

costanza: i think it might have moved, jerry.

jerry: what might have moved?

costanza: ...you know, it.

ulvir

Jeg estimerer deg ikke.

[a machine tries to attack their ship.]

George: you know, we're living in a society!! where we're supposed to act a certain way!

Bluedeanie

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?


woah.... i was in the pool...

ulvir

Jeg estimerer deg ikke.

George: so I am the chosen one?
Morpheus: That's right.
George: But why do I have to be Neo?
Morpheus: It was foretold by the oracle that-
George: [interrupts] I don't wanna be Neo, I want to be Art Vandelay!

Mac Tonight

aw yeah tahts it man
Jerry : The Matrix?!

George : The Matrix!

Jerry : Morpheus, Trinity, Tank, Dozer ... Costanza?

ulvir

Jeg estimerer deg ikke.

[in agent smith's voice] cantstandya

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alnilam




lmao@tt

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