- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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He doesn't care though and hangs out in the Matrix with Jerry making observations about the Matrix.
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Jan 21, 2015 05:01
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Apr 25, 2024 17:24
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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Oracle: I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the vase.
George: What vase?
[George turns to look for a vase, and as he does, he knocks over a vase of flowers, which shatters on the floor]
Oracle: That vase.
George: Oh, I'm so clumsy!
Oracle: I said don't worry about it. I'll get one of my kids to fix it.
George: [looks at vase] Oh my God, my parents... th-they have an identical vase at their house! Let me get it for you!
Oracle: No, George, really, the future of mankind is -
George: [shoulders coat] [running out door] Hold that thought!
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Jan 21, 2015 05:14
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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costanaza: i cant be the chosen one! i-i-ive never been chosen for anything! i dont know how to be chosen!
jerry: face it, you're chosen.
costanza: i'm not going to be chosen!
jerry: you choose not to be chosen?
costanaza: i choose not to be chosen!
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Jan 21, 2015 05:21
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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george: so right now we're in a computer program?
morpheus: is it really so hard to believe? your clothes are different, the plugs in your arms and head are gone.
george: so you're really not a minority then.
morpheus: excuse me? i...dont understand.
george: you know, your race... [air quotes] "african american" [snorts] i mean, the human race is the minority, right? come on, right?
morpheus: please pay close attention to what i'm telling you and don't interrupt with this sort of trivial conjecture.
george: mr. morpheus, i am paying closer attention than you will ever know.
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Jan 21, 2015 05:31
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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whoops i thought i was having an original idea but i was just remembering that post
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Jan 21, 2015 05:55
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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write some more of them pls Security Drone
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Jan 21, 2015 06:04
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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After Costanza refuses to free Kramer from The Matrix so he can stretch his legs, Kramer mistakenly takes Viagra in hopes that the blue pill will release him from the simulation.
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Jan 21, 2015 06:20
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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AGENT JERRY
You're killing me, Costanza. You're living two lives. In one life, you're George A. Costanza, a moderately successful Bra salesman for a respectable company. You got a social security number, you pay your taxes like everybody else, you help your landlady takes out her garbage.
[AGENT JERRY takes off his sunglasses]
AGENT JERRY
The other life is lived in the computers, where you go by the alias Neo! Neo! What's with that? There's nothing new about you!
GEORGE
I'm fresh! I'm new! The kids are hip to me on the computers, Jerry!
AGENT JERRY
No, George, No. You're guilty of just about every computer crime in the books. You're not covering your tracks. You got no work ethic, George... Listen, you got a basic call to make here. Only one of these lives has a future, capische?
GEORGE fidgets nervously, sweating bullets.
AGENT JERRY
I'm gonna be straight with you. As much as it pains me to say it, we need your help. It's important George. I know NEWMAN has been trying to have a little chat with you.
AGENT JERRY shrugs. GEORGE is silent.
AGENT JERRY
Whatever you think you know about this scumbag, it's wrong. He's a very dangerous, very tedious man. The fact is he's wanted for inumerable crimes George, he's just all over the board here. You help me bring this terrorist in, we make these charges disappear, sounds good right? Everybody wins?
AGENT JERRY smiles expectantly.
GEORGE stares forward, suddenly calmer.
Yeah, yeah yeah. Sounds great. Such a great deal. Really cutting old George some slack here, aren't you. Well listen Jerry. I have a counter offer.
GEORGE flips off JERRY.
AGENT JERRY
Oh for the love of. You gotta flip the bird.
GEORGE
I'm flipping the bird, Jerry! I'm flipping it! The bird has been flipped!
AGENT JERRY
[sarcastically] Oh my word, I'm so offended.
GEORGE
You better be! I'm not scared of your whole secret police schtick! I got rights! The ACLU is gonna hear about this, Jerry!
AGENT JERRY's eyes grow suddenly cold.
AGENT JERRY
The ACLU. Really. Well, how can you report such transgressions... if you cannot speak?
GEORGE looks confused and unnerved. He immediately bolts out of the room, yelling, 'HE CALLS ME ON THE PHONE!! JUST TAP THE PHONE LINE!!'
AGENT JERRY, looking pleased, shrugging.
Didn't even have to do anything, not bad.
more
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Jan 21, 2015 07:47
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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costanza: i was fighting agent smith, and we were really getting into it -- i mean slamming each other into walls, kicking each other across the subway transit, the whole 9 yards!
jerry: wow. so then what happened?
costanza: we're throwing strikes at super speeds, blocking each other, when all the sudden we were locked in a grip, face-to-face.
jerry: yeah?
costanza: anderson did this thing where he flicked my adam's apple....some sort of ju-jitsu, i think....and...and, well...
jerry: aaaand?
costanza: i think it might have moved, jerry.
jerry: what might have moved?
costanza: ...you know, it.
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Jan 21, 2015 07:52
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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George: so I am the chosen one?
Morpheus: That's right.
George: But why do I have to be Neo?
Morpheus: It was foretold by the oracle that-
George: [interrupts] I don't wanna be Neo, I want to be Art Vandelay!
Jerry: So how's the whole chosen one thing going, George?
George: Oh, that. Yeah, I quit.
Jerry: You quit? Why? You had a hot girlfriend, you got to wear cool shades, you were the only hope for humanity, how could you just quit?
George: Well, that Smith guy, he's, um…(gesticulates vaguely) replicating himself.
Jerry: Replicating himself.
George: Yeah, you know, he jabs someone in the chest, and they become...him.
Jerry: Then what does he become?
George: He's him too, Jerry.
Jerry: So they're both him?
George: They're both him.
Jerry: Then what?
George: Then those hims touch two more people and then they're all him.
Jerry: So he's got the Midas touch except everything he touches turns into…
George: Him.
Jerry: Gotcha.
George: And all the hims want to kill me. I mean how am I supposed to compete with that?
*Eight Kramers burst into the room*
Kramers: (in slightly off-sync unison) Jerry you're not gonna believe this!
too many others to quote, but these two, god drat
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Jan 22, 2015 04:01
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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MORPHEUS: The Matrix is a system, Neo.
GEORGE: Uh huh.
MORPHEUS: That system is our enemy.
GEORGE: Uh huh.
MORPHEUS: But when you're inside, [uh huh]you look around, [uh huh]what do you see? Businessmen, [uh huh] teachers, [uh huh] lawyers, carpenters --
GEORGE: [looking down as they walk] I'm wearing shoes, but I'm not wearing shoes. This is crazy.
MORPHEUS: You have to understand, [uh huh] most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will --
GEORGE: These shoes were probably made it a sweatshop, except...they weren't.
MORPHEUS: 
GEORGE: I'm sorry. You were saying?
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Jan 22, 2015 04:10
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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AGENT SMITH: I hate this place. This zoo. This prison.
JERRY: Mhm.
AGENT SMITH: This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer.
JERRY: Eh. Well.
AGENT SMITH: It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it.
JERRY: Burnt popcorn. I hate that smell.
AGENT SMITH: I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.
JERRY: [smirk] Geez, Georgie, you know your friend is really something else.
GEORGE: I told ya! .
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Jan 22, 2015 04:28
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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Jerry: It's a trilogy about nothing.
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Jan 22, 2015 04:45
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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Jan 22, 2015 05:11
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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oh god security drone forget everything bad i ever said about you i love you
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Jan 22, 2015 08:04
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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everybody thank Security Drone for this idea and this thread
perhaps he is a godkiller, ready to defeat polishthunder84?
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Jan 22, 2015 08:06
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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MORPHEUS: Hurry! [holds up phone] Neo, you go first!
COSTANZA: Really, you're going to make me go through a dirty payphone?
MORPHEUS: Hurry!
COSTANZA: [reluctantly touches phone] [licks lips] Eugh, geez. I can't.
MORPHEUS: Tank, Chlorox wipes!
TANK: [typing furiously] On it! [rising violin and brass horns music]
WetNightmare fucked around with this message at 08:16 on Jan 22, 2015
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Jan 22, 2015 08:13
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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I only wish I could read the entire script redone with Costanza scene by scene.
wow i want to do that
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Jan 22, 2015 08:25
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Apr 25, 2024 17:24
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- WetNightmare
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by sebmojo
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INT. GREEN TINTED SUBWAY STATION ------ AFTERNOON
ELAINE and GEORGE are waiting to use the phone booth. GEORGE is staring at the MAN USING THE PHONE.
GEORGE
He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He doesn't want to look.
ELAINE
What?
GEORGE is locked on the MAN ON THE PHONE . . .
GEORGE
You know, it's a public phone. You're not supposed to just chit chat.
ELAINE
George I want to tell you something. Everything the Oracle has told me--
GEORGE (CONT'D)
I just can't believe the way people are. What is it with humanity? What kind of world do we live in?
Now THE PHONE GUY gets off the phone. ELAINE goes over.
ELAINE
George, the phone's free.
GEORGE
Hallelujah!
After ELAINE picks up the receiver she sees a woman beat GEORGE to be next by the thinnest of margins . ELAINE disappears. She awakens in the real world.
ELAINE
George . . .
JERRY
What happened?
ELAINE
Some lady cut the line to use the phone . . . You have to send me back
JERRY
I can't.
Back in the subway station GEORGE confronts the WOMAN.
GEORGE
Excuse me, I was waiting here.
WOMAN
Where? I didn't see you.
GEORGE
I've been standing here for ten minutes.
WOMAN
I wont be long.
GEORGE
Uh, that's not the point. The point is I was here first.
WOMAN
Well, if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone.
She puts her quarter in and ignores him completely. She starts to dial.
GEORGE
You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way . . .
He turns away from the WOMAN
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Does she care? . . . No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No, no, a resounding no!
Right on cue, he's stopped by an AGENT.
AGENT
Mr. Costanza . . .
ELAINE
Run, George. Run . . . !
The AGENT is actually THE PHONE GUY from before.
PHONE GUY
Hey, sorry I took so long.
GEORGE
(COMPLETE ABOUT FACE) Oh, that's okay, really, don't worry about it.
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Jan 23, 2015 05:18
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Jan 21, 2015 05:01
