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A Tumblr legend invents a Gender Fluid that allows hyr to be all possible genders at the same time, but in doing so they becomes entirely genderless and hyr friends lose interest and hyr Patreon account is left desolate.
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Feb 11, 2015 03:52
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Applewhite posted:A Mad Archivist kills people who visit his archives and sorts their various body parts under the appropriate letter. i cant wait for the xx x pardoy where he winds up in the D section or B if you are not gay
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Feb 11, 2015 06:35
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A working class man, white, Christian and straight struggles with money, almost facing eviction. Driving his old car his dangerous, so one day he almost has an accident and falls into an ice lake and almost dies but instead, is frozen. Fifty years later he is discovered and reanimated, but wakes up in a much changed America, where the son of his millionaire boss, a Gender Studies PhD candidate tells him to check his cis, race, religious privilege.
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Feb 11, 2015 12:45
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a man who hates clowns wakes up in a world wherre everyone is a clown and he is normal but normal people are the clowns and they all laugh at him. One child is afraid of "clowns" and he must teach them an important lesson about acceptance and conquering your fears. He then dies in a horrific car accident in involving 2 cars and 28 clowns
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Feb 11, 2015 12:50
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An aspiring author has a lucid dream about a twisted world where proper writing is disdained. Newspapers and magazines are nothing more than blatant propaganda and paid advertising. The only socially accepted forms of communication are SMS texting, memes and animated GIFs with short subtitles. With a start the author wakes up in a cold sweat. Shaking they slowly get out of bed to post about their experience on Tumblr.
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Feb 11, 2015 13:27
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Be Careful What You Wish For Cuz You Just Might Get It A man receives a genie lamp by accident when it is shipped to him instead of the Sega Game Gear power supply he actually ordered on eBay. He rubs the lamp and the genie grants him one wish. A struggling musician for over 20 years, his one wish is that his album finally be released to music stores on a major label and that it breaks sales records. The genie grants his wish. The album in fact breaks sales records; it manages to sell in the negatives. See what happened is, zero people purchased the album. However, several people shoplifted the album and returned it to the store for a gift card, resulting in the only album in music history to sell negative copies.
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Feb 11, 2015 16:39
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It turns out that Gypsies are an enthic group and none of them are able to curse people. The twist is that this is because Hitler killed all of the ones the knew magic.
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Feb 11, 2015 18:06
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The Improbable Lobster Darrel Figby is obsessed with statistics. He bases every choice in his life around probabilities. He carries an umbrella with him on a sunny day because he heard there was a 20% chance of rain, doesn't take the bus on Thursdays because that's when the highest number of bus accidents occur, only buys certain products etc... One day he learns he is up for a big promotion at his job (he works as an actuary, of course). Figby knows from observation that employees who take the boss out to dinner are significantly more likely to get promoted than those who don't, so he does the smart thing and invites his boss out after work that day. The boss heartily accepts and offers the man a ride to the restaurant. Unfortunately, the boss is the man's exact opposite in his approach to life: he drives his dangerous car fast, he smokes, he drinks and takes all kinds of other unnecessary risks. Poor Figby is at his wits' end before they even reach the restaurant! There, the boss orders a big steak. Figby knows off the top of his head that an alarmingly high number of people choke to death on steak every year, so he scans the menu, zeroing in on the meal with the lowest probability of causing death or intestinal discomfort: lobster. Unfortunately for him, he gets the lobster intended for a young couple at a different table, and there is a diamond ring concealed inside as part of an elaborate proposal scheme. Poor Figby chokes on the diamond ring and dies.
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Feb 11, 2015 22:11
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The inventor friend of a struggling comedian builds a time machine to go back in time to 1995 so he can give him the best comedy bits of the last 20 years so he won't be such a failure in life. However, he finds that he's struggling now even worse than before with the new material in 1995. In fact, people are getting extremely hateful towards him and his unpopular and ahead-of-its-time comedy and the new bits that in a fit of depression the younger comedian kills himself. Dejected, the inventor makes a correction to an equation: Comedy -Time = Tragedy.
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Feb 12, 2015 07:52
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a hipster at a thrift store finds a notebook that if you write in it the person's name you write will die. He writes his own name because he's insufferable and trying to be cute
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Feb 12, 2015 07:59
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In the future, everyone must take career aptitude tests to best determine what jobs they have the most interest and aptitude for, and they have their career path determined solely on what the government allows them to pursue. However, the twist is that the system makes sure everyone is forced down a career path they'll be completely unhappy with. The future is so pro-capitalist that any and all work you do will only ever be 'just for the money' to reinforce this.
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Feb 12, 2015 08:34
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A passionate gape artist's dream comes true as their butthole becomes infinitely elastic. whole cities are consumed. Or A passionate gape artist's worst nightmare comes true as their butthole becomes sentient and seizes revenge by gaping the owner.
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Feb 12, 2015 09:51
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Picture if you will, a mirror in the window of a shop. Everyone who walks past it feels sad, a little worse about themselves. Eventually the shop is broken into, the mirror left smashed on the ground. Was it a normal mirror, merely showing the flaws and failures of humanity as they are? Or was it a portal... to The Twilight Zone? Daniel, a teenaged furry, awakens to find himself trapped in the body of the family cat, Charlie. Worse still, the cat has taken over his. While Daniel enjoys his new life of carefree laziness and self cleaning, Charlie struggles, understanding nothing of human language except a few parroted phrases. After making trouble around the family home and disgracing himself at school, the family realizes that there is something terribly wrong with their son, and prepare to have him taken away. Reluctantly, Daniel gives up his easy existence and communicates with his family through text and typing. After spending some time trying to convince them, the family comes to terms with what has happened. Daniel learns that the intellect of man carries with it responsibility, and helps his family to teach Charlie the ways of humanity. Several months pass, and a scientist friend of the family tells them he has a way to fix everything. Everything will be back to normal, no-one will remember a thing and it'll be like nothing ever happened. Charlie and the rest of the family jump at the chance, but Daniel has his doubts - he doesn't want to forget everything he's learned, and while he may not be happier that he was he is certainly wiser. He struggles as he is fitted into the scientist's machine, but as a cat there is little he can do to keep himself from being strapped down, clawing and biting as the switch is thrown. A human Daniel wakes up to his mother knocking on his door, telling him to stop napping and get ready for dinner. He gets up and opens the door. "Take that ridiculous get up off, we're having guests," says his mother. The sound of an animal stirring can be heard on the bed Daniel has just left. "I wonder what he's dreaming about?" "Him? Probably chasing mice." "Mom!" says Daniel, "that's racist." He removes his human head to reveal the furred face of an enormous, humanoid cat. The camera pans and follows him, revealing his mother and the rest of his family are the same, all humanoid cat people, the world bizarrely changed by the scientist's machine. We pan back to Daniel's room, and the family pet - a twisted, naked tiny human shape curled up on the bedclothes, sleeping fitfully. The mancat stirs, finally revealing his face as he stares directly into the camera. It's Chaplin
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Feb 12, 2015 12:57
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Man goes back in time. Gets sued by Harlan Ellison.
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Feb 13, 2015 00:02
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Applewhite posted:The Improbable Lobster You're good at this. Too good at this. A popular newsletter is causing stirs in the quiet community of Somethingville. The newsletter is made up of short stories, each one ending in an ironic twist or morality lesson. While they enjoy great popularity the community is soon terrorized when the stories in the newsletter begin to happen in real life! Now the whole town must work together to find who's writing the letters. The twist is that it's a dog
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Feb 13, 2015 00:52
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Improbable Lobster posted:You're good at this. Too good at this. silent_hill_2_dog_ending.gif
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Feb 13, 2015 01:03
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Good Lord Fisher! posted:silent_hill_2_dog_ending.gif https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUDcSeUvkOw
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Feb 13, 2015 06:11
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Autism syrup inadvertently cures AIDS.
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Feb 13, 2015 07:07
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You know that cartoony way to show a moral dilemma, with the small angel and demon arguing over what you should do? Suddenly it starts happening for real, and everyone can see those tiny beings arguing over whether you should keep the extra change you got back or not. Not only does this let people know what a person's thinking, the angels and demons start arguing more and more violently, until they start getting physical. Using their divine/infernal powers they cause mayhem and collateral damage. People become afraid to have moral dilemmas, lest they bring forth those pesky creatures again. The twist is that it was all just a mass hallucination, caused by a leak at the nearby chemical plant ConscienceCorp. The final scene shows the back of the CEO, who has horns and a tail. He turns towards the camera and reveals...! Fade to black, roll credits.
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Feb 13, 2015 08:34
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President Kucinich posted:Autism syrup inadvertently cures AIDS.
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Feb 13, 2015 09:00
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It turns out that mobile phones DO cause cancer and it was covered up as a plan by aliens who want to invade and steal our vital fluids after we're all too weakened by tumors to combat their invading armies. The twist is that while our militaries are paralyzed due to high levels of sick leave our cell phone towers are still in operation and the aliens are even more vulnerable to cellphone radiation that we are. This program proudly sponsored by the copper ore industry in association with the telephonists union.
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Feb 13, 2015 12:07
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Dog bites man. No-one cares. Turns out Man bit Dog.
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Feb 13, 2015 14:17
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DancingShade posted:It turns out that mobile phones DO cause cancer and it was covered up as a plan by aliens who want to invade and steal our vital fluids after we're all too weakened by tumors to combat their invading armies. I would imagine something like Amish people kicking rear end
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Feb 13, 2015 16:13
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robits
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Feb 13, 2015 22:44
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Mr. Denny's very serious and well mannered ball pit. A Willy Loman looking motherfucker can be found on the byroads and disused interstate highways scattered through the midwest. The side road gravel littered with tin cans, cigarette butts, and discarded refuse has been his home for many years. For those fortunate enough to find Mr. Denny, they will also find the most perfect, piss free, immaculate 3 foot high children's inflatable ball pit at his side. Most parents are wise enough at first contact to not let their children anywhere near Mr. Denny with his judging scowl, gaunt features, ill fitting thrift store suit, and cheap hillbilly haircut. Mr. Denny prefers it this way. He doesn't need stupid little shits loving up his super bright ultra clean orbs with their greasy hands, sloppy smiles, and ugly laughs while their parents placate themselves to the side with adult pablum. He also doesn't need hysterical helicopter mothers slapping up his face when he inevitably snaps at their misbehaved brats. But more than that, he does not wish the long arm of the law pressing down on him when certain kids go missing. No, Mr. Denny is extremely particular about who steps foot into this majestic ball pit. Pansexual debutantes, Lush tarts, ironic hipsters, and other people of ill repute and by themselves. Should a solitary person happen upon Mr. Denny and his precious ball pit, a bad day awaits. Mr. Yaziz Cool Bolo just missed the 3 o'clock public transportation mode of conveyance and now he walks. A bad day waits for him. "I'ma dump seed in so much sloon tonight!" Yaziz remarked through his beard he was chewing on while admiring the screen printing on his fresh new CHVRCHΞS tee shirt. Self centered idiot millennial wasn't paying attention when he headbutted Mr. Denny right in his chest. "Oh man, I'm so sorry, you alright?" Mr. Denny brushes it off and straightens his suit jacket. "Yes, I'm fine." "Young man, I seem to have lost my glasses in this here random ball pit. Would you do this old man a favor and fetch them for me?" "Ehhnn.. I don't really have time for this, I got my hot girl D.N.A.dumpster waiting on me..." "It'll only take a second..." Mr. Yaziz Bolo strokes his beard and relents. "Sure, I can get your glasses. I guess." Yaziz slides legs first into the ball pit. Where he thought his shoes would hit solid ground, there were only more balls. "Dude, this ball pit is deeep.." "Haha, this is pretty neat!" Yaziz swam and frolicked among the wonderful balls, blissfully absent minded of the fact that he was sinking fast. Mr. Yaziz Cool Bolo sinks beneath the colorful balls. Mr. Denny checks his watch. Deep inside the pit, the balls strike. Without warning, the Plasticine balls smash through Yaziz' teeth and cram themselves by the hundreds down the hipster's throat. They well up inside his stomach and lungs, pushing a chunky Wendy's brioche cheeseburger fluid back up his throat and snout. Coughing and sputtering, the ball pit feeds him more and more. Yaziz' inner organs make way for the expanding gut, his pelvis splays inside him. The heart ruptures and the sternum shatters. with no screaming and little fanfare, the victim is in total shock and sinks ever farther into the turgid recesses of the ball pit. The last sensation is the overwhelming stench of decades worth of stale piss burning his nostrils and eyes. Plastic balls and urine await Yazis where he's slowly emulsified into a sticky paste by thousands of rumbling tumbling orbs. There's only one thing in this world Mr. Denny loves, and that's his precious clown looking sarlac ball pit. And the ball pit loves him too.
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Feb 13, 2015 22:53
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President Kucinich posted:Mr. Denny's very serious and well mannered ball pit. Mr Denny: "Your privilege, check it"
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Feb 13, 2015 23:13
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Applewhite posted:The mysterious and charismatic cult leader whose name is on everybody's lips turns out to have been the humble railway worker who was in the background the whole time. The scene dissolves to a woman who wakes up from the dream next Patrick Duffy. Duffy asks her what's wrong and she replies, "I had the funniest dream. It was a fantasy world with trains and indestructible metals and a perpetual motion machine. And John Galt was behind the entire conspiracy!" Duffy, perplexed, asks, "Who is John Galt?"
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Feb 14, 2015 03:34
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Applewhite posted:An ordinary woman who is something of a loner keeps many cats and looks after each one with great care. One night, after she's gone to sleep, a pair of burglars breaks into her house. As they rummage though her belongings, they find the woman's cats continuously underfoot and must constantly shoo them away. One of the burglars kicks a cat particularly hard and it hisses, provoking angry growls from the other cats, which seem to be multiplying every second. They pop out of cupboards and crevices and crannies, until the burglars find themselves completely surrounded. Close up on their terrified expressions before the cats leap and the burglars are completely engulfed. Their screams muffled by the furry onslaught. That'd make a good Tales from the Crypt comic.
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Feb 15, 2015 03:16
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D38gnfPoAzI
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Feb 15, 2015 04:28
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We're outside a hospital and follow the camera as it rises and then peers through a window. Revealed is a small room painted in muted tones which contains a bed and a crib. We next see that sitting up in the bed is a beaming woman, rosy cheeked and glowing as she looks up at the man standing next to her. He's tall, slim, well dressed, immaculately groomed and the epitome of good health. Then the camera lowers its view and moves down to show that the man is holding something in his arms. It's a babby, a squirming, gurgling, pink bundle of joy. Only then is the conversation the couple are having audible to us: "...and we'll give you every opportunity in life, everything we never had, and the chance to grow up to be someone who is happy and can make a positive change in the world, yes we will oh yes we will..." Their happy moment is interrupted as the door opens and a smiling nurse enters, telling them it's time for the newborn to have a nap. She takes the little cherub from the man's arms and walks over to the crib where she gently lowers the babby inside. Then she removes the chart from the bottom of the crib and reviews the notes while saying to the couple "Yes, you must be so very proud to have such a..." - but then she pauses and her smile becomes fixed, almost frozen. Now the camera is active again as we follow the gaze of the nurse to where it falls on the notes - 
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Feb 15, 2015 19:00
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Applewhite posted:The Improbable Lobster A surgeon sitting at a neighbouring table attempts to perform an emergency tracheotomy to save the choking figby but while all he needs is a sharp knife all he can find are spoons.
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Feb 15, 2015 22:20
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Pure Perception John, an average, middle-class man wakes up one day with a slight headache. Nothing seems awry at first until he begins his morning commute. While driving to work, he begins to notice that every other driver around him looks like male/female models, though some of them do have a few years on them. Perfect complexion, fit, and healthy, John can't help but wonder why everyone is so physically attractive. Arriving at work, he runs into what John can only assume to be Helen, one of his colleagues. She is gorgeous and has seemingly lost 200 lbs. Her language is elevated and she cant't stop talking about teaching chemistry (which is odd because she is working at a FedEx). John then runs into the office clown, Jeremy, only to find him ripped like a costumed superhero. Jeremy is also talking much differently and while he is still somewhat of a goofball, his jokes are poignant critiques of society. It's as if he had become Ph.D. in sociology overnight. John continues to run into acquaintances and friends that have all had this inexplicable makeover and cannot make heads or tails of it. Even people on TV look and sound better. On his way home, he witnesses a very peculiar sight (which is saying something considering the day John is having). There ahead of him was a curvaceous woman in a baby carriage. She is still in a onesy and has a pacifier in her mouth. Though she does not speak, she looks at John with eyes that pierce his soul. Intuitively, he knows that she will grow-up to be a psychologist. "Grow-up?" John thinks. It then dawns on him that the woman in the carriage is actually a baby. What was he seeing? John becomes light-headed and scrapes his palm as he hits the ground. In an instant, he realizes that he is seeing everyone at the hypothetical peak of their physical and mental prowess. He's seeing people as they should be. John realizes that he has to get a mirror. He has to see...himself. Rushing to the bathroom, John hesitates before stepping to the mirror. Does he really want to know? Would he be hopelessly depressed at what he could have been? Or, would he see an image that was never attainable and thus, just another fantasy of his young adult life? Sheepishly going in front of the mirror, John witnesses an even crueler image: nothing has changed. John weeps bitterly and crumples into a heap. He wants to believe his new-found vision does not work on its owner but he knows the truth. To John's everlasting shame, his utmost and all he could ever hope to accomplish was always going to be...a Goon FooF fucked around with this message at 00:26 on Feb 16, 2015 |
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Feb 16, 2015 00:23
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FooF posted:Pure Perception 
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Feb 16, 2015 06:16
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An everyday bloke is told he's being made redundant so goes home to his flat to have some bangers and biscuits and update his CV. He feels like he's gone a bit barmy when his mobile phone social media up and dystopias on him. He has to get facebook likes to stay alive or pop up ads appear in his childhood memories or some postmodern techno-poo poo. fake edit: oops bollocks this is actually a episode of black mirror
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Feb 16, 2015 08:23
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A man loses his job after being made redundant, comes home to find an identical copy of him coming home after losing his job
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Feb 16, 2015 09:25
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Otisburg posted:An everyday bloke is told he's being made redundant so goes home to his flat to have some bangers and biscuits and update his CV. He feels like he's gone a bit barmy when his mobile phone social media up and dystopias on him. He has to get facebook likes to stay alive or pop up ads appear in his childhood memories or some postmodern techno-poo poo. Speak American, dammit! Nameless_Steve fucked around with this message at 09:54 on Feb 16, 2015 |
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Feb 16, 2015 09:51
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Nameless_Steve posted:Speak American, dammit! The UK is an episode of the Twilight Zone.
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Feb 16, 2015 09:57
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Otisburg posted:fake edit: oops bollocks this is actually a episode of black mirror Can we do Black Mirrors? So there's this bloek who lives in a future England where chavs are fed into giant energy machines that in turn produce anything you desire so long as you are a law abiding citizen in good standing. For some reason he feels this is bad and wants to put a stop to i t but finds himself being fed into the machine and turned into a gamebox console episode is titled First They Came For the Chavs
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Feb 16, 2015 10:48
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Alan Smithee posted:Can we do Black Mirrors? Already done
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Feb 17, 2015 02:45
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"What if phones, but too much?"
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Feb 17, 2015 03:02
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