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corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!




Jack Orlando is a 1997 noir-themed adventure game, in which a hateful old man solves a crime by making everyones' lives worse. I think he's supposed to be sardonic and cool but mostly he's just a poo poo. This is the 2001 "Director's Cut," which added Windows support and a few extra scenes, most of which contain instant-death puzzles (they were cut for a reason, apparently); it can be purchased on Steam. Currently, it is on sale for 86 cents, which is a good bargain. Highlights include a button that lets you point a gun at people and also the most racist Chinese stereotypes ever seen in videogames.

Anyway, this game is about Jack Orlando, and I hope you'll enjoy it.

PART 1: JAILTIME
PART 2: ORLANDO LEARNS SOME MANNERS
PART 3: YOU'RE poo poo SCARED
PART 4: FLIENDS
PART 5: A HARD MAN
PART 6: GUMSHOE
PART 7: A FAST GETAWAY
PART 8: KIND OF AN UNDERWHELMING UPDATE, SORRY
PART 9: HOBOS AREN'T PEOPLE
PART 10: YOU'RE FISH
PART 11: i can finally stop playing this lovely game


BONUS: M CIASTER EXAMINES THE GAME'S TRANSLATION

corn in the bible fucked around with this message at 20:44 on Mar 15, 2015

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corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


Jack Orlando was made by a Polish developer, Toontraxx, who wanted to develop adventure games using hand-drawn animation. It's not definite, but they were probably inspired to do so by the success of Broken Sword, which came out the year before and featured animation with a similar art-style. Broken Sword was a big hit, and Toontraxx likely wanted to capture the same sort of audience for themselves. Unfortunately, all the effort is front-loaded -- the opening cutscene is the only real animation showcase in the game, and it pales in comparison to Revolution's own. Still, they clearly put effort into it, and screenshots wouldn't quite do it justice, so here you go: the beginning of Jack Orlando.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ0-CZ6Pcsw

Jack is a pathetic drunkard, and pretty much everyone hates him. As you'll see, though, they're not wrong to -- there's rarely been a less likeable protagonist in videogames, adventure or otherwise. Right now, though, he's under arrest.



You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you.



Major Pete Reynolds, United States Army. Hmm, this is a heavy one.
You've got the wrong guy! You'll never get promotion this way!
We don't need a promotion. We're happy just gettin' guys like you off the streets.
I'm the victim here! I'll lend you a handkerchief if you take these cuffs off.

It's clear that the developers were inspired by American noir films. And, sure, noir protagonists are cynical and sardonic, and they probably drink a lot too. On the surface of it, then, Jack Orlando gets some things right; the soundtrack, for example, is limited but has some nice jazz bits in it. The problem is the dialog, and I don't know how much of that is the developers' fault, and how much is the translation. Whatever the reason, everyone in the game -- and especially Jack -- comes off as an rear end in a top hat.

Listen Alex, take this guy down to the station before I lose it. I'll wait for the inspector.







Jack is now in prison, but his cellmate has something to say:

Orlando, nice to see a familiar face.
Should my onetime best informer be in the poo poo?
Only a little temporary difficulty.
So you'll be in for a year again.
Ha, ha, Orlando! I'll be outta here in an hour at the latest.
In an hour? I'd like to see that but I'll be out real soon now.
You seem pretty sure of yourself.
You know, I seldom make mistakes.
So you'll be walkin'outa here pretty soon, huh? I can't wait to see that, bighead.

Finally, we get control of Jack Orlando. Everything that follows from now until we get out is necessary -- without doing it, the police will never let you out of the cell. Just remember that.

First, we have to use one of Jack Orlando's greatest gameplay features:









Start talkin', while you still can.

Jack Orlando has a dedicated "threaten to punch people" command. It gets the same prominence as regular adventure game actions like looking, or moving, or picking things up. In this case, it's useful, but it is possible to threaten any NPC you want, anywhere, at any time. It's fantastic.

What do you want?
Who killed Reynolds? Spit it out!
I don't know. I only heard that Scarletti had something to do with it.
Who is this Scarletti? And tell me ev'rythin' you know.
Don Scarletti. He's too big for you, Orlando. He's the boss of all the organized crime in this city. Guns, gambling, everythin' that makes money for him.
I hope you're not hidin' anythin' from me, or I'll be back... to feed you to the fishes.



Dammit, Orlando, I don't know any more!



Huh? You getting rid of surplus energy?



We need this spoon. It's the only spoon in the world.



Since we have done everything in the cell, they finally let us out.





Shut up, Orlando! You're up to your ears in poo poo and still talkin' crap! Are you aware of your situation or has your brain finally turned to jelly?
I'm bein' serious. You really lost weight.
Watch your own rear end, Jack, or the judge'll tear it wide open.
So, no help?
I didn't say that. Why do you think you're here? You've got 2 days, 48 hours, to catch the real killer. Do that and you help us both. Otherwise we're both in the poo poo.
I know how long 2 days is. I been countin' since kindergarten.
Then you better count on yourself, Jack. Johnson, take off his cuffs and show him the way! Jack, before you start sniffing around, go have a wash. You look as tho' you've been sleeping in a trashcan.

The cops let Orlando off by his apartment building.



Jack's door is locked, and he doesn't have a key. He doesn't have the key to his own apartment, because this is an adventure game. The solution, of course, is to tell Jack to pick up the doormat.



The key was under the doormat. I am sure someone will ask, so I will just tell you right now that no, there is no indication of this. I had to consult a walkthrough on the first puzzle in the game.

Anyway, with key in hand, Jack finally unlocks his door. Suddenly, his neighbor opens her door and starts talking to him:



Believe me, Alice, this is the worst day in a while...
Tell me what happened.
I ran into some bad trouble.
C'mon over and we'll talk about it. But go see to yourself first, you look awful.
Yeah, I gotta check if everythin's still there.



Jack's apartment, which is also his office, is probably nicer than any film noir hero's home has ever been. He even has a little painting of a horse, which we can examine.

A reminder of my ol' grandaddy, on my Mom's side.

But what is that orange thing next to the bookcase?

A typical woman's toy. What the hell's it doin' here?

Checking the inventory identifies it as a "Duster." There is no indication of what any of the things you pick up are, so you just have to go by the tooltips in your inventory.

After taking a shower (if you don't, nobody is willing to talk to Jack Orlando due to his poor hygiene) we search the apartment. Under the bookshelf, we find a key in one of the drawers.



We also get Jack's notebook.

A guy could do somethin' good with that.

Thank you for the commentary.

Finally, the key unlocks a drawer on the other side of the room, which contains Jack's revolver.



But the gun is not just another inventory item, oh no. Look:



Yes, just like his fists, Jack's gun is a general action that can be used on the world. He will happily point the gun at anyone, though this is useful maybe twice in the whole game. But more on that later -- Jack has a murder to investigate, and his name to clear! There is no time to waste!



Two days!

I'm not disturbin' your dustin'?

Only forty-eight hours!

No, I was just going to start, but I couldn't find my stupid duster.
He who seeks will find, they say.
Very funny Jack.

Was it? Was it really?

I've mislaid my duster and I thought you could lend me one. You don't need yours anyway.

If the duster belongs to Jack, why was he so surprised to find it in his apartment? Whatever, he doesn't want it, she can have it.

Oh thank you Jack. Do you have a spoon?

We give her the spoon Jack stole from his prison cell, because adventure games are terrible.

I'll make fresh coffee when I'm finished with dusting.

She leaves. We steal her "nail set" and an apple, and Jack insults her choice of decor.

That thermometer displays a lack of taste. And Alice never really appreciated art.



And I don't know what he's talking about here. Let's go rob someone else! (Jack steals the mop from the hallway on the way out).









That old scrapheap belong to you?
No, it's my neighbor's car.
Great. I need to borrow his crankin' handle.
Forget it, young man. Biff never lends anything.

Jack is a fine adventure protagonist, and is not bothered by concepts like "ownership" or "ethics."





Hi, how are you?
I was OK till you showed up, rear end in a top hat. Beat it, or you'll hear the sounda your little nose breakin'.
Can't a man have a look around here.
Ain't nobody call me dummy!





Well, ok, so stealing the car crank at that time isn't what you're supposed to do -- Biff kills you if you do (and really, he seems like he's in the right here). So that's our second puzzle: how do we steal Biff's belongings without him killing us in the process? Tune in next time to find out, probably!




cucka
Nov 4, 2009

TOUCHDOWN DETROIT LIONS
Sorry about all
the bad posting.


Interrogate the woman at your office

I think she's up to no good.

anilEhilated
Feb 17, 2014

But I say fuck the rain.



Grimey Drawer

You should totally hold the entire world at gunpoint. One terrifyingly animated NPC at a time, obviously.

slowbeef
Mar 15, 2005

Will Harvey hates you, and everything you stand for.


Pillbug

anilEhilated posted:

You should totally hold the entire world at gunpoint. One terrifyingly animated NPC at a time, obviously.

Seriously, I was hoping we'd hold up that neighbor. I'm sure she has useful information.

corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


anilEhilated posted:

You should totally hold the entire world at gunpoint. One terrifyingly animated NPC at a time, obviously.

Please do not spoil my plans for this LP, friend.

SelenicMartian
Sep 14, 2013

Sometimes it's not the bomb that's retarded.



slowbeef posted:

Seriously, I was hoping we'd hold up that neighbor. I'm sure she has useful information.
I played the very beginning of Jack O. recently, and the main character didn't want to apply violence to her, for some reason.

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless


Pillbug

Give the old lady some good ol' Bad Cop routine.

Also, drat this game seems to be so retarded that it's funny.

Mega64
May 23, 2008





Where do you keep finding these wonderful games?

AkaiNami
Sep 2, 2011


Hey. Don't diss on my man Jack Orlando.

Now actually: the game is hot garbage. It has nice backgrounds but the story goes absolutley nowhere.

The only good thing is the soundtrack.

John Luebke
Jun 1, 2011


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Orlando

quote:

Composer(s) Harold Faltermeyer



So yeah, the music so far is much better than this game deserves.

corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


PART 2

As some of you have noted, the composer for this game is the same guy who did the music for Beverly Hills Cop, among other things. By the time of this game's release, he already had two Grammy's. The music is pretty good, but it's stored in an unusual format which I can't seem to play or extract. Thankfully, some enterprising soul has put some of it up on Youtube, so I will link the appropriate songs on occasion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cW-uVzcGyo

Let's rewind a bit. Taking the crank right away is obviously a mistake, and a fatal one. However, the game actually autosaves whenever you enter a new room, so I can just load back to before that happened with no loss of time. This sounds like a great idea, initially, and I was impressed when I first played the game that they would think of a way to include death without making the game frustrating -- after all, death scenes in adventure games can be pretty entertaining, but dying and losing your progress is a huge problem. LucasArts solved this by simply never letting you get yourself in a situation where you die or are unable to win; Sierra games were less kind, of course, and are uniformly poo poo as a result.

But I digress. I was happy to see that the game has autosaving, and relied on it rather than keeping manual saves of my progress. Then I hit a point where an action several screens ago had doomed me to certain death, and the autosave was, of course, after that happened, meaning my entire save file was completely ruined. So that's pretty bullshit.

Anyway, let's threaten the old woman!



Useless.

Now, as it happens, I forgot to grab something from Alice's place. She has a pair of boxing gloves on the wall, and we need those to solve our Biff problem. Fortunately, she doesn't lock her door or anything like that, and we're free to steal them without having to deal with her. But that's no fun, right?



Jack Orlando, ace detective.

So let's play a little game. We can now visit the crime scene, and there are two things we need to pick up here in order to complete the game. Can you find them both?



Go ahead, point to them on the screen. Let's see if you're detective material.



Did you see the cigar? Did you? Did you?

You can only buy these Davidoff cigars at Charles'.

The newpaper doesn't even get a mention from him, but it's 100% necessary to pick it up or you can't complete the game. You can pick up garbage off the ground all over the place, and most of it is useless, but this specific newspaper is required for victory. Even though you can get more newspapers later.

If you watched the intro, you'll know that the criminal escaped up the ladder there. We can't reach it, though. We have a broom, but he won't use it for that, and he's also incapable of simply reaching up to grab it, so that way is closed to us for now. Time to explore the neighborhood and look for more loot.


Dirty shoes don't go with that nice coat, sir.
I'll slap your face.
Why? What have I done?
Don't be so fresh, or you'll get it.
If you don't want your shoes shined... leave me alone.



The kid is useless. Most characters in this game offer no useful information and do nothing for the plot. They're all animated and voiced, though!

What else is around here?


Watch that horse, it'll kick you!
Up 'till now I always prided myself as bein' good with animals.
But Napoleon is a very special horse. You can't compare him with other animals.
Yeah, I can believe that. But I wanted to talk to you about somethin'. Have you seen or heard anythin' unusual recently?
No, quite honestly I wouldn't want to see or hear anythin' around either. I mind my own business.

Why are all these people so pointless?



They aren't even afraid of being shot! In fact, even characters who you have to punch or physically assault are unfazed by Orlando's trusted revolver, which I do not remember effectively threatening anyone with at any point in the game. But of course we can't kill random people; maybe fisticuffs will be more convincing.



Jack is the most pathetic guy in the goddamn world. Let's just use the broom we stole to take this guy's horse's shoe right in front of him. That's a puzzle, you see.





Now better prepared, Jack goes to confront Biff.


Touch it, and you gonna find out what it like.
Seein' as you know all about it.
Yo' gittin' on ma nerves, rear end in a top hat. Reck'n ah's gonna teach you some manners.


I had to do that. I don't like gettin' my arms broke.

Jack uses the crank to get up onto the roof.



One again, we need two objects from this scene. Try to find them!





Even knowing exactly what to find here, I had to resort to waving the cursor over the screen until it reacted. This is known in adventure game circles as "pixelbitching," and it is terrible.


Matches from NIGHT'O'GRANIS. Interesting...

NIGHT'O'GRANIS, which is always said in capital letters, is the bar Orlando was drinking in during the opening cutscene. He descends from the roof, to find the police chief waiting for him.


The whisky's eatin' at your brains! You could end up in the can for life, and you're lookin' at some broad.
I just need some kinda inspiration.
OK, do your own thing! But time's runnin' out!
I'm aware of that, Tom.
Oh yeah, my boys found your car keys, here!


No problem, I don't need it no more.
Ah'll show ya, rear end in a top hat!



Improbable Lobster
Jan 6, 2012

What is the Matrix? We just don't know.



Buglord

Jerk Orlando, amiright

Fleve
Nov 5, 2011



I'm reading while listening to random tracks from the soundtrack on youtube, that's really some pretty fine music. Makes me want to pour a whiskey myself. Also, love the .gifs.

I found the cigar, but I filtered out the newspaper as rubbish. On the roof...gently caress that poo poo. I thought it'd be the axe/hammer and the latch or something. Those dots didn't even register.

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010


College Slice

Wow. What a loving terrible game already.

corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


Fleve posted:

I'm reading while listening to random tracks from the soundtrack on youtube, that's really some pretty fine music. Makes me want to pour a whiskey myself. Also, love the .gifs.

I found the cigar, but I filtered out the newspaper as rubbish. On the roof...gently caress that poo poo. I thought it'd be the axe/hammer and the latch or something. Those dots didn't even register.

We also missed something in Jack's apartment, because it is tiny and we haven't needed it yet so I just straight up forgot to grab it. Still, it can be seen in the screenshots I posted. So let's have a little fun with this: the first person to figure out what it is will win a free copy of Jack Orlando.

Remember, here's what his room looks like:




What did I forget to pick up?

Mega64
May 23, 2008





Is it a cigarette butt from his ash tray?

Our hero, threatening to slap a kid and punching out some guy to steal his crank because he doesn't want to use a broom to bring down a ladder.

oldskool
Aug 9, 2010





Lipstick Apathy

That stupid little brown rectangle at the corner of the yellow booth thing in the corner? I can't even tell what it is. A wallet?

GenderSelectScreen
Mar 7, 2010


College Slice

oldskool posted:

That stupid little brown rectangle at the corner of the yellow booth thing in the corner? I can't even tell what it is. A wallet?



That's my guess as well. Looks too suspicious.

Croccers
Jun 15, 2012


Is it bullets for your revolver? Clearly everyone knows your gun isn't loaded which is why they don't care when you wave it around.

corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


oldskool posted:

That stupid little brown rectangle at the corner of the yellow booth thing in the corner? I can't even tell what it is. A wallet?



You are correct, it is indeed a wallet. The game actually has a place where you can get infinite amounts of money, but it doesn't appear unless you've spent all the money in your wallet first, for... some reason.

If you would like the copy of Jack Orlando (and I know you do) then feel free to add me on steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/crowfeathers/ and I will provide.

oldskool
Aug 9, 2010





Lipstick Apathy

Added you on Steam (http://steamcommunity.com/id/discountcleric/). Thank you very much!

mycot
Oct 23, 2014


Hell Gem

This game is already so surreal, I feel like I have to watch this one.

Jueg01
Jan 25, 2015


This game reminds me of Dick Whiskey: Drunk Cop.

Sally
Jan 9, 2007


Don't post Small Dash!


hot drat, this game is amazing already:

anilEhilated
Feb 17, 2014

But I say fuck the rain.



Grimey Drawer

Wow. I've seen some bad pixelhunting but that dot on the roof easily takes the cake.

corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


PART 3

Music for this update:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24ABxDkbI5c


Last time, Jack Orlando was knocked unconscious by Biff. Who was totally justified in doing so, by the way. But letting it happen was required, because it's how the game transitions from day to night.

poo poo, all this over an old crankin' handle. I'll think of somethin' better next time.

All of the characters from the daytime are gone. If you were expecting that shoe-shining kid to matter in the narrative, well, too bad. Alice is also gone, and Biff will, sadly, not be appearing again.

So, as astute viewers have noticed, I forgot to grab Jack's wallet from his office.



It has five dollars in it, which we can have Jack give to anyone we want. Usually, though, they just thank him and then continue being the unhelpful assholes they were before, even though the money will be gone from our inventory afterwards. This has given rise to the idea that you can lose all your money and be unable to get any more, but that's not actually true -- Jack Orlando can always find more money, once he runs out. But more will only appear if you have already spent all the money you can get normally, which includes the bullshit wallet that nobody ever remembers to pick up, meaning a lot of people end up stuck. Bad game design.

The police chief gave Jack his car keys, meaning we can finally leave the neighborhood. This game has a world map, with several locations for Jack to drive to; however, several of them are actually connected normally as well meaning the map is actually lying about how big the game world is. In truth, we're already done with a fourth of the game's locations and Jack hasn't actually managed to investigate anything yet!




There is a woman here, selling roses. She appears to have dropped one on the ground!



Please note that, even if you give her all your money, it is impossible to actually buy roses from her. Stealing one is the only way.


You help me and I help you.
I don't need your help. I don't need any more problems, neither.
You are a really strange guy.
I know nothin'. I only clean up here 'n take care of the house.

Nobody knows anything. Around the corner, though, is this suspicious-looking guy.


How the hell d'you know my name?

I've come to appreciate the fact that Jack's voice actor puts a drunken slur on everything he says, no matter what it is.

Unluckily for you, some other people know your name too.
You tryin' to scare me, wise guy?
Careful, Orlando...
What the hell d'you mean by that?
You're scared enough now, Orlando. You're as good as dead.

This guy obviously knows something, for once. Maybe a gun will get him talking.



That didn't work. But there's another way:



Easy Orlando, what's it all about?

Guns are not intimidating, but a back-handed slap to the face is scary poo poo.

Good question rear end in a top hat. Either you start talkin' or I'll give you your teeth on a plate.
Take it easy, my friend.
Yeah. You should make sure I keep takin' it easy... and don't excite me, otherwise I'll really get upset.
OK! I get it. What do you want to know?
Not an awful lot. Tell me where I can find the casino.

You may be wondering where we heard of a casino. Well, we didn't, but we're looking for one anyway I guess.

I've never heard of a casino.


OK, OK, take it easy.
Well?
I heard that the casino's behind the restaurant. That place across the street from Night'o'Granis.
You heard?
Believe me, I've never been. Honest! You need a special invite or something, just to get in there.
Where do I get an invitation?
I really don't know, Orlando. And now go to hell.

He has no more information to impart. Time to go ruin some more peoples' days.


Watch your tongue or you'll be lookin' for it soon!
Hey, whassamatter. You tryin' to scare me?





We pass by the Chinese laundry. There's a stall outside, but nobody manning it yet. I just wanted to point this out because it's one of the more bullshit things in this game, but we'll come back to why that is much later on. Right now, we're heading for Charlie's shop, which is where that cigar from the crime scene was purchased. Charlie is an old pal of Orlando's,





Whom do these eyes behold?
Nobody lives that long.
Your jokes were never very good, Jack.
Hard at work as always.
A man has to live somehow.
Pal, I need your help.
Out with it.
Terrible, that's why I'm here.
I can see for myself that something's wrong.
Let's talk straight. Who bought Davidoff cigars last at your place?
There was someone, tall, middle 30's, with an unusual walking cane.
Like always, you're irreplaceable. To tell the truth I don't have much money.
The shop wasn't so good today, but I can still manage 5 dollars. I hope that will help.
Thanks, Charles.

Now that we have picked up the five bucks from Jack's wallet and the five dollars from Charlie, the infinitely spawning money has been unlocked. From now on, if we run out, money will magically appear in front of the local hotel. So that's convenient.

We also steal a newspaper from the newspaper rack. Even though we already have one. They're not interchangeable and are used in different spots, even though they're the same goddamn thing.

We're done with Charlie for now. Next to the shop is the best character in the game, so let's go talk to her.



I'm a woman, that's enough.
You're a volcano, a hot volcano!
I love the smell of cheap aftershave and dumb talk.
You're really clever. Maybe you should be doin' somethin' else?
Are you my mother or somethin?
Your father, little one.
I'd rather be an orphan than have a father like you.













Accordion Man
Nov 7, 2012




Buglord

It's been already said but it bears repeating, this soundtrack is absolutely wasted on this game.

Accordion Man fucked around with this message at 20:28 on Feb 24, 2015

corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


Accordion Man posted:

It's been already said but it bears repeating, this soundtrack is absolutely wasted on this game.

It fits with the clear fact that they wanted this game to be a big deal. It's got hand-drawn animation (of varying quality, sure, but that's still something that takes effort), the backgrounds all look really good, and the music is wonderful. There's even a vocal number later on, in the bar, which means they spent the extra cash to get a singer in. But the result is....

Well, even though I make fun of this game it's still better than a HOG, so there's that.

Accordion Man
Nov 7, 2012




Buglord

corn in the bible posted:

It fits with the clear fact that they wanted this game to be a big deal. It's got hand-drawn animation (of varying quality, sure, but that's still something that takes effort), the backgrounds all look really good, and the music is wonderful. There's even a vocal number later on, in the bar, which means they spent the extra cash to get a singer in. But the result is....

Well, even though I make fun of this game it's still better than a HOG, so there's that.
Yeah to be fair it does look like the ambition is there and a good chunk of its problems could be chocked up to the dev team being in Poland in the mid-90s, like possibly the writing and voice-acting. No excuse for the gameplay, but really they were kind of just following down the hole that Sierra was digging for the whole adventure game genre when it came to mechanics.

Croccers
Jun 15, 2012


Screenshots don't do the horrible accents full justice:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3LJlxnxFYA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-tQlFPvPuE

Kai Tave
Jul 2, 2012


Fallen Rib

Reading this dialogue is like having a stroke. Things kiiiiiinda make sense, sorta? Like around the edges it resembles a conversation, but the parts are all hosed up and it just leaves you feeling confused and vaguely uneasy.

gschmidl
Sep 3, 2011

it's the journey
not the destination
as we know



"YOU TRIED" DIVISION


I remember when this came out and

Great Joe
Aug 13, 2008



Ground Floor in a goldmine thread.

The dialogue in this game is endearingly Polish. It's too bad the overt cursing doesn't really translate into any other language.

Great Joe fucked around with this message at 00:08 on Feb 27, 2015

John Lee
Mar 2, 2013

A time traveling adventure everyone can enjoy



gschmidl posted:

I remember when this came out and



J. O. Wood Productions, eh? Classy company.

corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


Updte should be up later. Experiencing technical difficulties.

corn in the bible fucked around with this message at 06:04 on Feb 27, 2015

corn in the bible
Jun 5, 2004

Oh no oh god it's all true!


Part 4

Music for this update:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haKAMnd_r5w



So the next thing that happens is Jack Orlando arrives at this hotel.



Jack Orlando gives the newspaper from the crime scene to this guy. It has to be the paper from the crime scene, the one from Charlie's will not work. You can't beat the game without doing this, and nobody ever tells you to.

Thank you, sir. The new edition. Have you already read it, sir?
To be honest -- I'm not interested in newspaper gossip.
Sure... most of the stuff is boring -- political junk, horoscopes, laundrymat openings and bad advertizing.
Laundries?
Yes Sir. I just read something about a new Chinese laundry in the city.
I don't know anything about a chinese laundry.
Yes Sir. It's not far from here.
Thanks for the information. I think I should read the newspaper more often.

This bit of information is the whole reason we needed the newspaper. It would make more sense for Jack to read it himself -- hell, anything would make more sense than this -- but that's how it works in New York, I guess. We also won't be visiting the Chinese laundry, though you can do so even before you're told about it. There is literally no reason you'd need this information.

But if this guy doesn't tell you about the laundry then you cannot complete the game. A key NPC will simply not appear until you do!



We find a pack of cigarettes. The clerk refuses to divulge any information at this time.



We can visit the tenants upstairs now, if we want. It's not really necessary, but it's worth doing to experience more of that world-class writing.



Yeah, sure. But give me my parrot first.
What,...?
Yeah, you heard me.
What parrot?
What case?
Mine! My case! It's gone missing in the train.

That's sad.
I don't even have a comb.
I honestly don't think you need a comb.
Hey, don't get fresh.
drat world, drat town! I gotta get goin.


So fresh

The bellhop outside wants cigarettes. Apparently.


Which one? Lot's of bars are in this city.
I prefer the "Small Talk": comfortable, not far from here, nice atmosphere and good music -- the right choice after a hard workday.

The Small Talk has a big neon sign, as you'll see. But Jack refuses to go inside unless a bellhop tells him it's worth visiting. Again, you can't finish the game without giving this guy some cigarettes, for no reason.





There is only one thing in this scene we need. It is, however, the whole reason getting into the bar was required -- none of the people here have anything to say, and we're never coming back. Try to figure out what it is!



The piano guy is too busy to talk, and the drunk guy just says "HONEST?" if you try to mess with him. This bar sucks!

At least there's a bartender.


The guy on piano always play this badly?
Since when did you know anythin' about music?
Since when did you start gettin' personal with me?

Don't move, keep those feets still!
Don't act the tough guy, Orlando, otherwise they'll be carryin' you outta here.
I'm tryin' to make up my mind if you're brave or just plain dumb.
Take it or leave it. But in a year the grass'll be growin' over your grave.
Watch it, fat man, I don't like the way you act.



Amazingly, threatening to shoot his bar rag has no effect!

I promise we're getting to some good stuff, soon. The vase from the bar goes to the flower-seller from the beginning part of town. Remember her?


Yeah, why not. I've no use for it.
I could really put this vase to good use. Thank you kindly, young man.
Don't mention it.
Oh, yes. I haven't had a gift for some time. Seems nobody gives gifts nowadays.
Just as long as you like it.
It's beautiful. But what can I give you in return?
It's a gift. You don't have to give me anythin'.
Oh, I know. You take this old Chinese manuscript.
Thanks a lot. I collect Chinese manuscripts. You couldn't believe how pleased I am with this.

So, the end result of all that trading was a Chinese manuscript. The guy who wants it is the person I mentioned before; he won't appear until you find out about the laundromat. Despite this, he is not actually inside the laundromat (which you can enter, though it has nothing inside), and having people actually tell you about the person himself does not cause him to appear. I don't know, it's the worst.

There's also a fan, down one of the alleyways. We need that too.



Anyway, it's this guy. He's the best character in the game. Please, please, please note that I am typing out the text verbatim.


I heard that you Chinese are very clever people.
Cleva people not sticking nose in otha peoples businesses.

He won't say anything more until you hand him something he wants. We'll do the fan, first -- I think the writers assumed that you would.

Oh thank you. My wife will be vely happy to have fan like this. How much you want?
Just tell me what you know.

You must speak with him. Ca'eful he not get angly. When he angly he always hitting. He also no money. You give money, he let you in, but you do not have to be giving him money. I hearing another way.
Fine, and then what do I do?
You be detective, O'lando. You knowing what you doing.

Let's give Chinese Man the Chinese Manuscript.


I give you book of wisdom. Use it calefully and do not undelestimate it's powel.
I wanna try.







SelenicMartian
Sep 14, 2013

Sometimes it's not the bomb that's retarded.



Can anyone gif Jack's fighting stance against disco lights?

Jobbo_Fett
Mar 7, 2014

It would be a sad error in judgement to mistake me for a corpse.


Clapping Larry

I'm convinced the developer's got a hold of RISE OF THE DRAGON and tried to one-up them in every category, with racism being given extra attention.

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Great Joe
Aug 13, 2008



Jobbo_Fett posted:

I'm convinced the developer's got a hold of RISE OF THE DRAGON and tried to one-up them in every category, with racism being given extra attention.
Oh, that's just

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