Lil Cunty posted:

*turns off light, passes bowl of envelopes around* these are bills. hospital bills, credit card payment past due alerts, hoa increases. they never, ever, ever end.

*passes bowl of unwrapped pez candies around* these are your pills. every day you have to remember to take them or else you will get sad and maybe even die. they all interact with each other in strange and terrifying ways, most of which your doctor knows nothing about, but he will continue to prescribe new ones to you every year.

*passes around box of day-old crepes* this is your skin. your whole body is covered in this now, even your face. youre slowly becoming more soft and wrinkly until one day you look in the mirror and dont even recognize yourself

joke_explainer posted:

A talented musician and washed-out cop-school cadet finds a classical guitar possessed with the spirit of a bitter, old and corrupt cop that was cursed before his brutal death at the hands of the criminals he was taking kickbacks from. By playing his sentient strings, the musician can unravel the clues to solve any crime. A match made in heaven... or is it? The guitar feels insanely insecure about being touched by a man due to his deeply internalized homophobia combined with his confusing feelings about other men. Can they make it work long enough to put his spirit to rest? Find out, this summer on the CW.

Machai posted:

Macnult posted:

dogcrash truther posted:

Medic: Forsooth, lamar is far too tall for this,
Our humble helicopter, and his cock
Is far too hard and stands like a lonely,
Large pine. How much Horny Goat Weed hath he?

FutonForensic posted:

Cool dating tip: if a person's dating profile says they are adventurous, do not proceed. Adventures are fraught with peril and will lead to your early demise.

GEExCEE posted:

mountain: hey

rznvgirl109: hey what's up

mountain:


mountain: u like?

rznvgirl109: wow

mountain: mm i would love u to climb me

mountain: do u have a pic

rznvgirl109: ummm

mountain: how many layers are u wearing

rznvgirl109: i gotta go bye

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

update: one of them opened


what the gently caress?


OH GOD IT'S SO HOT!


this is my life now

joke_explainer posted:

Glass Bottom Boat posted:

i compare you to a text on a phone from a bae
ooooh the more i get of you the more i come over, yeah
and now that nobody is home
I netflix and chill with the bae

dogcrash truther posted:

no they will not posted:

girl: u up
me: Yes.
girl: im so wet
me: That's fine.
girl: my parents arent home
me: OK.

Luvcow posted:

*bartender approaches, sees me pointing at the vodka he slides the bottle over to me* "tough day uh?"

*i nod my head slowly* "yeah..." *voice cracks* "you could say that..."

*bartender wipes the tears from the bar in front of me* "you wanna talk about it?"

*i gulp down a huge quaff of liquor before speaking* "thread got gassed..." *chokes up, sniffles*

*other people at the bar gasp, bar tender chokes back tears* "drinks are on the house tonight buddy"

Ace of Baes posted:

Mufasa: The bad threads go to the gas chamber, the normal threads go to archives, and the good threads go to the goldmine, its all part of the circle of byob.

Simba: What about those hispanic men who basically dug up their own, obscure Chris-chan that no one else cares about, going as far as to befriend him and buy him a dildo purely for the laughs of a tiny, dying, irrelevant clique. It's hipsterism taken to a brand new level.

Mufasa: That's FYAD, you must never go there.

treasure bear posted:

you can tell how much a child's parents love them by what they have for lunch

bacalou posted:

Pinhead: The box... you opened it, we came.

Thirtysomething: It's just a lunchables box!

Pinhead: Oh no, it is a means to summon us.

Thirtysomething: Who are you?

Pinhead: Explorers... in the further regions of lunch. Demons to some, angels to others.

Thirtysomething: It was a mistake! I didn't... I didn't mean to open it! It was a mistake! You can... GO TO HELL!

Pinhead: You opened the box, we came. Now you must come with us, taste our pleasures and fun-size crunch bars.

Thirtysomething: Please! Go away and leave me alone!

Pinhead: Oh, no tears please. It's a waste of good suffering!

Thirtysomething: Wait! Wait! Please, please wait!

Nosfereefer posted:

hitler: hm, what's all this stuff about materials for concentration camps?
himmler: it's bookmarked with something about exterminatint the jews, mein fuhrer
hitler: hm, i cant be expected to keep track of all this nazi business myself, goering you know what this is about
goering: i can't really remember, i guess we were talking about exterminations last week but i dint really pay attention
hitler: lol, i just loving sign it whatevs

google THIS posted:

the credible hulk, he's not very strong but he's a real hero on the witness stand

dogcrash truther posted:

If the bad guys like lemonade and rocking chairs and watching the fireflies at dusk, theyll be easy pickings for the human porch

dogcrash truther posted:

Pilot: Hello and welcome, this is Russian plane, non-stop service between Sharm el Sheik and Moscow. We have a very special surprise for you, folks: world famous Egyptologist Dr. Kenneth Carson is on board and he's brought with him a mystical jewel called the Navel of Isis. Dr. Carson has generously offered to let anyone who asks stare into the murky depths of the supposedly accursed artifact. Thank you, Dr. Carson! Now please turn your attention to this safety presentation as we prepare for takeoff.

i flunked out posted:

dogcrash truther posted:

Mummie: WHO DARES DEFILE THE RESTING PLACE OF KHUFRU THE GREAT
Russian Plane: it's me, a russian airplane, bitch, and I have no respect for the dead. Peace you crumbly fucker

dumb crambo posted:

Most
Die
M,after
A trying it once

Rodatose posted:

dogcrash truther posted:

Hick Magnet posted:

Garfield kicks the poo poo out of Odin every day and Odin just stands there with his tongue hanging out of his mouth drooling like a stupid idiot. This is where rain comes from.

Pomp posted:

ron color posted:

1 dog looking out a car window: haha hey this is great. the car is going so fast its like the dog is running that fast. sometimes the dog runs real quick from one window to the other---we know both windows are the same but its great

2 dogs out oa car window: wow theres a dog for each window. if they plan it right they can switch and enjoy both port or starboard youre getting a look at a dog

3 dogs looki ngout of a cars window: yeah one dog has to d stay in the middle. luckily dogs are really good at taking turns

4 dogs: you might be saying this is where the dogs start losing out but no honestly its just getting better and all the dogs are really happy

5: dogs in a car think of it like juggling dogs the risk is high but if you pull it off? huge return on your investment

6: uhhh ive never seen a car with this many windows but then again ife never seen a car with this many dogs either
7: ok funs fun but who is going to put this many dogs in one car. insurance would never cover it

8: i dont think all the windows on a limo go down but if you have the dogs its worth a shot

9: dogs naturally breaks into groups of 3. this is the only way to deal with 9 dogs at once

10: basically the dogs are in control now do NOT look into the mirrors

11: Car Crash with Dogs

12: Driver looks back at his many dogs, whom have faithfully followed him many miles. However, there arose a heated dispute among them over which one of them was considered to be the greatest. But he said to them: “The kings of the nations lord it over them, and those having authority over them are called Benefactors.You, though, are not to be that way. But let the one who is the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the one taking the lead as the one ministering. For which one is greater, the one dining or the one serving? Is it not the one dining? But I am among you as the one serving.

dogcrash truther posted:

Lastgirl posted:

Chatanoogavches

i flunked out posted:

the entirety of this thread:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3750999

dogcrash truther posted:

i'mg oing to post a bunch of stupid poo poo in there and make you a liar or a fool

ron color posted:

what are you going to post....the lyrics to the edmund fitzgerald?? hahahhahaha

i flunked out posted:

the entirety of this thread:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3750999

google THIS posted:

it looks like I'm doing a bunch of cool measurements and calculations with this map but I'm really just trying to pick it up with chopsticks

Macnult posted:

That entire map thread is very funny.

Luvcow posted:

*policeman shoots a civilian by accident, hurriedly rushes over and uses sharpie to draw hitler mustache on the corpse before anyone else can see* "I got him... the next hitler.,. he's dead now, we're safe"