Register a SA Forums Account here!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«295 »
  • Locked thread
Jun 16, 2011



Worst Thread irc channel - #f1 on
Formula 1 2015 season:
(written by eriddy)

The process of getting into this sport is unique. It's not like plucking a rare orchid from weeds but rather its like stomping the whole loving garden into the earth until only one remains.........

And as the dust settles you glimpse a lone Australian dandelion untouched by your hatred. Before your eyes that dandelion blooms into a rose named Mark Webber. You care for him for years, blind to the evil spreading just below the roots. Then you blink and the venus fly trap snaps its talons around him.

And like that, *poof*, Webbah's gone.

What remains is a darkness.....well, I guess sort of a half-darkness.... In the distance you see an orchard of gnarled index fingers pointing at the heavens. You seek shelter around a burning Marussia. A tumbleweed bounces into your dick.

Welcome to Formula 1.


Teams & Drivers

Ferrari (written by Ghost of Mussolini)

In 1898 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari was born, and the sum of human civilization has failed to provide us with a comparable specimen ever since. Enzo was young designed and racer, and founded Scuderia Ferrari in 1929 as Alfa Romeo's racing arm. After years of internal divisions, the poor fools at Alfa Romeo finally pressured Ferrari into independence in 1939, and thus cast themselves into inevitable future defeat at the hands of their former employee. Ferrari worked out of Modena, largely as a supplier for other teams. During the war, the factory was bombed, prompting relocation to the sacred grounds at Maranello. Since the first season in 1950, a Ferrari car has been present on the grid, being the only team to lay claim to such a history, it is widely believed that the lack of a red car may bring about the death of the sport (at 888 entries, it has participated more than anyone else).

On 29 July 1951, Alberto Ascari secured the pole as well as the top spot on the podium for Ferrari at the German Grand Prix. It would be the first of many. From this first grasp of victory, Ferrari has gone forth to accumulate 221 wins, 207 poles, 81 one-two finishes, 680 podium finishes, 5834.5 Driver's Championship points and 6736.27 Constructor's Championship points. Observant readers may note that this means that Scuderia Ferrari leads each and every single one of these categories, but this does not really matter as other entities are but transient beings who fail to even scratch the legacy of the Cavallino Rampante.

The Scuderia is known in Formula One for its passion and reverence to the sport. Often cited for their humility and honesty, the uncompromising self-reflection of the team at Maranello is only matched by their steadfast dedication to their drivers, who return their love and admiration unquestioningly. This has resulted in 15 World' Drivers Championship and 16 World Constructor Championship titles for Ferrari. A list of WDC and WCC years, important drivers (i.e. every important driver to have ever been in Formula One), and other such information would be provided, but this body of text would become unwieldy.

Currently, Ferrari is led by Maurizio Arrivabene, who's steady leadership promises to return the best of days to the Scuderia, the technical director is James Allison, one of the few englishmen who can be trusted not to be a malicious pirate. Free of the perennial weaboo baggage of Fernando Alonso, they count on their drivers to bring the trophies back to their one and only rightful place. Team veteran Kimi "Ice cream" Raikkonen (WDC 2007 for the Scuderia) and Sebastian "Wetmeister" "The Finger" "Wunderboy" "The Once and Future King" Vettel, who, we have determined through statistical analysis, will bring 10 titles to Ferrari (previous number of titles won by the last German to join the team at a ratio of 2.5). Ferrari also counts with approximately 172 Reserve, Test and Ferrari Driver Academy associated drivers, in order to establish the future talent pool of the team. They also have all the self-respecting fans of the sport. It is the best team.


Kimi Raikkonen (written by Diplomat)
17 October 1979
Car Number 7


With only 23 open wheeled races under his belt, Kimi entered Formula 1 driving for Sauber. He had a respectable rookie season given the performance of his car and was picked up by McLaren to partner David Coulthard, replacing the retired Mika Hakkinen. The McLaren was a fast but notoriously unreliable car, however Kimi managed to win some races and put up a respectable challenge for the title in 2005 losing out to Fernando Alonso.

In 2007 Kimi left McLaren to replace the retired Michael Schumacher. Kimi piloted what was a very strong car in the the F2007. He won the Championship that year one point over Lewis Hamilton. The next two years saw a decline in the competitiveness of the Ferrari and therefore Kimi. He left Formula 1 after the 2009 season to pursue other racing interests.

Kimi spent time racing in the World Rally Championship and various Nascar series but returned to Formula 1 because the car he was driving was too poo poo.

Kimi returned with Evil Lotus and was pretty successful dragging the car to a win in both 2012 and 2013. Unfortunately for Kimi, Lotus couldn't pay him so he returned to Ferrari in 2014. He had a pretty bad year reuniting with his old team, and was thrashed by teammate Fernando Alonso. This year he is paired up with Sebastian Vettel, and the teammate battle will be interesting between them.

Kimi has a typical Finnish demeanor which generally leads to humorous situations. Below are some of the more prominent things that may be mentioned.

Ice Cream - At the 2009 Malaysian GP the race was stopped due to rain. While most drivers waited in their cars for the race to resume, Kimi changed in to casual clothes and treated himself to a snack.

Having a poo poo - During a presentation at the 2002 Brazillian GP, Kimi was interviewed by Martin Brundle who asked why he missed the event.

"Leave me alone, I know what I'm doing" - Kimi won the 2012 Abu Dhabi GP with Lotus, which was his first win since 2009 and Lotus/Renault first win since 2008.

Offtrack in Brazil - Kimi missed a braking point and went off track at the 2012 Brazilian GP. Unfortunately for him the access road was blocked off and he couldn't re-enter the track without turning around.

General Team Radio Shenanigans

Monaco Boat - In the 2006 Monaco GP, Kimi's was forced to retired when his McLaren caught fire. He promptly left the track (did not return to the garage) and spent the rest of the race on his yacht that was docked nearby.

Sebastian Vettel (written by Butt Wizard)
Born 3 July 1987
Car Number 5

Sebastian Vettel is literally Hitler. Four times a champion, his tedious domination of Formula One is a testimony to the pure hatred that Formula fans can muster for people they've never met who are far more successful in life than they are. As fun as it would be to pretend Vettel his a hack, his F1 career started with genuine breakthroughs with BMW and Torro Rosso, scoring a win at Monza in a car that had no business being anywhere near the pointy end of the field. He is legitimately a good driver and may go on to be an all-time great.

Yet for all his successes, Vettel is also a driver that makes it incredibly easy to not like him. While Schumacher was a Dick Dastardly-type villain, Seb-Vet has all the charm of an E/N poster complaining about being a 'nice guy'. He complains on the radio when his car is not exactly to his liking. A large portion of his wins have been the result of being able to lead from pole position, rarely having to drive through the field. Every time he did win, he would waggle his index finger in a 'Number One' gesture like he'd just finger blasted some bird in the bike sheds and wanted all his 15 year old mates to know it. He would also quote 'Crazy Frog' unironically during radio celebrations.

He would also disobey Red Bull orders with no consequences, most notably the Multi-21 team orders fracas in Malaysia where he battled with and overtook team-mate Mark Webber. Matters were not helped by the fact that Vettel was clearly RBR's preferred champion - in the year that Webber got ahead in the points, the drivers were 'allowed to race'. Once Vettel was ahead, Webber was expected to play the team-mate game. Make no mistake, Vettel was easily the better driver by a country mile, but his inability to cope with Webber being able to match him on occasion undermines his claim to being a great World Champion.

After precisely one season where Red Bull could not give a car that blew, sucked or cheated its way to dominance, Vettel decided to show his loyalty to the team that gave him four world titles by leaving (which opened the door for Danny Ric so probably the best thing he could have done). He now drives for Ferrari, like his hero Mike did. If Vettel can win his fifth title in a Ferrari, he will deservedly go down in history with the respect his four titles should have already earned him. Given the Mercedes' probable dominance, he may be able to make that claim even with just a win this year.

Until then, Vettel remains somewhat of an enigma. Clearly he possesses one of the greatest talents in the post-Schumacher era, but he also sometimes displays the same bitch-tendencies as Ayrton Senna. If you want to fit in with this thread, safe-harbour Vettel phrases are "The Fraud", "Finger Boy" and "Horner Lied, Webber Di3d".
Force India (written by Ilanin)

After pulling out all the stops to narrowly defeat McLaren in the hotly contested "who can make the car that looks most like a McLaren?" competition to start the year, Force India eventually realised they actually had to test the car and managed to show up to Catalunya in time for the last three days of the final test. Actually the reason they missed the first nine days of testing was mostly they couldn't afford it, which is hardly surprising when their co-owners Vijay Mallya and the Sahara Group are both being pursued by the Indian courts for non-payment of bills relating to other business ventures. From what testing they did the new car seems fairly reliable out of the gate, and the Mercedes engine should give them the chance of fighting for points. Last year they had some promising performances in the early rounds, including a third for Perez in Bahrain, before fading in the second half of the season as McLaren outdeveloped them. At best, they'd be looking at a similar season this year, assuming they don't go bust partway through - there's no way they've got the money to keep up at the sharp end. But with Lotus having Mercedes engines this year, Ferrari apparently having improved their engines substantially, and Force India's lack of testing running, the Silverstone outfit's initial pace isn't likely to be as impressive as it was last year, either. A season of fighting with the Toro Rossos at the back (at least once the McLaren-Hondas have broken down) beckons...


Sergio Perez (written by Cratsock)
Born 26 January 1990
Car Number 11

2015 will be Perez' 5th season in F1. In 2005 he lived in a restaurant owned by his Formula BMW team manager (luxurious, compared to a Stevenage couch); won a British Formula Three championship in 2007; finished 4th in international Formula Three in 2008, and finished his 2009 season in GP2 in 12th place.

Perez brought his Telmex money to Sauber in 2011. He took his first F1 points in Spain, with a 9th place, and finished the season in 16th place with 14 points. Perez stayed with Sauber in 2012, strongly criticized Pastor Maldonado for his reckless driving style, and managed a 2nd place finish to Fernando Alonso at Malaysia (Sauber's best independent team result). He finished the season in 10th place with 66 points. In 2012 Perez replaced Hamilton at McLaren. He took his share of criticism for his own driving style from teammate Jenson Button, and Kimi Raikkonen who said he should be "punched in the face", and finished in 11th place with 49 points. In 2014 Checo moved to Force India, where he managed a 3rd place at Bahrain, and a mixed bag of nothing else exciting for the rest of the season. He returns to Force India (assuming they are able to compete) on a contract that extends until 2016.

Nico Hulkenberg
Born 19 August 1987
German / Nazi
Car Number 27

Well what can I say about Nico that you haven't heard already in the press? Oh wait wrong Nico, not the Monoquesque fucktard, this one is both a half decent driver and not a total stinkyhole meaning we never heard about him. He won GP2 in his rookie year which only Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg have matched so he isn't poo poo. He joined Williams in 2010, then jumped ship to Force India for 2011 as a test driver. Then 2012 he raced for Sauber before rejoining the Force last year. He has never won a F1 race mainly due to the poo poo machinery he seems to sit in. I should also mention he is not Adrian Sutil which my brain gets confused. Both German and both midfield average. Nico isn't as punchy and neither turn green when angry.

The worlds most boring twitter


Lotus F1 Team is owned by the investment fund Genii Capital. The team has been a disastrous investment for Genii Capital, losing hundreds of millions of dollars for the investment fund, leading the team on a desperate chase for funds, from chasing a fictitious investment from a con man to taking on Pastor Maldonado as one of its drivers in exchange for blood money from Venezuela.

Don’t be fooled by their cars’ JPS-inspired paint scheme as the team is not a descendent of the legendary Team Lotus. Instead, the team licenses the Lotus name from the carmaker Group Lotus. Rather, the team’s lineage runs from Toleman to Benetton to Renault, and the team is still based in Benetton’s team base in Enstone, England.

The team is coming off a disappointing 2014 campaign, where they raced an unreliable car with a strange twin tusk nose design powered by an underpowered Renault power plant to an 8th place finish in the constructor championship. For 2015, the team has switched over to the Mercedes power plant and have shown much better pace in preseason testing.


Pastor Maldonado
Born 9 March 1985
Car Number 13 (lol)

Formula One Race Winner Pastor Maldonado is a Venezuelan philanthropist, racing driver, and significant contributor to the entropy of the universe.

His philanthropic activities have mostly been confined to monetary donations to underfunded racing teams, work which he has carried out since a young age and combined neatly with a burgeoning career as a race driver. Having helped out teams in Formula Renault, Italian F3000, and Formula Renault 3.5, he found himself supporting teams in the GP2 feeder series. Believing wholeheartedly in sharing his wealth he sponsored four teams in his time in GP2, taking a mere four years to finally win the GP2 title, one more title than almost every other driver who has ever competed in the series.

Maldonado was courted by all of the new entrants to Formula One in 2010, but wisely decided that his charitable donations were more worthy of assisting a previously great team now brought low. He thus joined the Williams F1 team in 2011, replacing his former GP2 teammate Nico Hulkenburg, who has never won a Formula One race. His speed was evident from the beginning, and although it was a little time before the other drivers and the mechanical components of his car fully adjusted to his style it took him a mere three races to record his first finish, and barely another nine after that to score his first World Championship point, something many drivers never manage to do at all.

Pastor Maldonado finished the 2011 season ranked the fifth best driver from the New World, promoted to fourth when it was discovered that Felipe Massa was actually piloted by Englishman Rob Smedley. He achieved this feat with his impressive consistency, lying between 14th and 18th in all but three of the many races he finished, and as a result Williams were pleased to have him stay for another season to see the fruits of his charitable work.

The jealousy of others over his many successes saw Formula One Race Winner Pastor Maldonado become the most heavily reprimanded driver of 2012, but his continued efforts to make work for tyre barrier builders, Arnco manufacturers, carbon fibre experts, and race stewards saw many to come to regard him as a hero for the working man. Once again it took him a mere three races to finally cross the finish line, but it was in the fourth race that he achieved his greatest success to date.

After a blisteringly second fastest lap in qualifying Maldonado skillfully stood by as Lewis Hamilton was disqualified, promoting him to pole position for the 2012 Spanish Grand Prix. He fell to second place at the start of the race but a brilliant pit stop saw him use the Marussia of Charles Pic to hold up his closest rival while he retook the lead. There were worries late in the race when he was under pressure from Fernando Alonso, but a mere two time World Champion was easy for Pastor to handle, and he duly went down in the record books as the first Venezuelan ever to sit on the shoulders of a Spaniard and a Finn simultaneously.

While celebrating after the race Formula One Race Winner Pastor Maldonado's heroic status was confirmed as he saved his cousin from a conflagration in the Williams pit, allowing his mechanics and those from other teams better access to fight the fire once the remaining women and children and the disabled man had also escaped. It's widely accepted that Maldonado's actions were significant in ensuring a mere thirty-one injuries and seven hospitalisations.

Having seen the wondrous bounty of his charity, Maldonado devoted the rest of his season to benefitting the aforementioned barrier constructors and carbon fibre manufacturers, with the assistance of Sergio Perez, Pedro de la Rosa, the Wall of Champions, Lewis Hamilton, Sergio Perez again, Paul di Resta, Timo Glock, and the inside kerb of turn three at Interlagos.

Unlike Sebastian Vettel, Pastor Maldonado was not a greedy man. He knew that one race victory was plenty, indeed far more than most drivers who entered the sport, and more indeed than many of the drivers who finished above him in the Championship. He therefore quietly devoted his 2013 season to further work on behalf of the barrier and carbon fibre industries. Despite this, a creeping feeling grew. As he pottered about the race tracks of the world, complaining about the car and accusing his team of sabotaging him, he gradually became aware of another team, further up the grid, who outwardly appeared as though the Quantum money would arrive any day now but inwardly were in turmoil. His mind made up, he was told by Williams they would not be retaining him in 2014, and he moved on to become the chief benefactor of Lotus F1.

Having decided to devote the remainder of his life solely to charitable work, he gracefully flipped Esteban Gutierrez into the air at the Bahrain Grand Prix to illustrate the need for revolution in that country, before seeking ever better ways to highlight the perpetual struggle of those who build barriers, cars, helmets and so on. To illustrate his point he made superb use of the wall, the wall again, Marcus Ericsson, Gutierrez again, Jules Bianchi, the wall again, and the wall again again. Finishing as one of the best sixteen drivers in the world, his public profile ensured that his philanthropic quest simply could not be ignored.

In the 2015 season Formula One Race Winner Pastor Maldonado will once again embark on his charitable crusade at the wheel of a Lotus F1 car. He has finally found a place where he feels comfortable as a person and as a Formula One Race Winner, with a team who are happy to let him demonstrate on behalf of the workers as much as he likes provided he continues making sizeable financial donations and does not crash into his teammate, Romain Grosjean, who has never won a Formula One race.

In a world now sadly without Chavez, the story of Maldonado continues to be the story of a humble socialist backed by $60million of dirty oil money who just wants to make a difference.

Romain Grosjean (written by Myrddin_Emrys)
Born 17 April 1986
Car Number 8

Starting his Formula One career in 2009 for Renault he happily left at the end of the year but sadly returned in 2012. The driver with a face reminiscent of a sun dried piss mat took his first podium at the 2012 Bahrain Grand Prix for Evil Lotus whom he remains with to this day. He then immediately concentrated his racing career on trying to kill or maim the rest of the field becoming the first driver since 1994 to be given a race ban for causing a multi-car pile-up at the 2012 Belgium Grand Prix.

These days Romain spends his time trying to coax a piece of poo poo car to the finish line with varying degrees of failure. Though the man with the ‘about to burst into tears at any given moment’ face assures us that his car for 2015 is much better and may put him in an F1 driver murdering position once more.

Following 2014 rules changes that allowed the drivers to pick their own car number, Romian settled for number 8. Reflecting on this Romain said "Simply I like this number, plus it has some signification to me. My wife was born on 8 December, we started dating in 2008 and besides, to my eyes my son is the 8th wonder of the world. That's why I picked up number 8.", demonstrating he talks like he drives; complete poo poo.

Now teamed with the equally destructive Pastor Maldonado since 2014, once again Lotus promises its viewers a fun filled year of hilarity and mayhem.

Manor (written by brainwrong)

Bad Manors: The history of a team no one cares about.

Team History

In 2004 John Booth (pictured left), a wealthy British aristocrat started “Manor Racing Team Limited.” The team was named after and run out of Booth's family estate, Drayton Manor.

Between 2004 and 2010 the team competed in the F3 series scoring 4 points out of 318 races. This appalling record made Booth realise there was a better, more effective way of pissing his money down the drain - Formula F1.

2010-2013 The Wilderness Years

In 2010 Booth partnered with the successful pickle magnate Sir Richard Branston to create the Virgin Formula F1 Team (ironically named considering how many people it would gently caress and get hosed by.)

The team's first season was a disaster. Irish F1 veteran Timothy O'Glock and Mexican Luke Di Grassi somehow managed to finish every race last.

Booth and Branston were quick to blame failed F1 designer and Austrian racing driver murderer Nick Wirth. They made it clear that Wirth's idea to design the car “using only my iPad” was, in the words of Booth “a gently caress up worse than that time he killed that bloke.”

In 2011 Branston left the team after trying to kill Kate Winslet in a fire on his private, pickle-funded island. Booth sold 89% of his team to Igor Marussia.

In 2012 Booth got drunk and let his cleaner Maria de Villota have a go in one of his F1 cars.The result was a disaster, she crashed into a truck and was so badly injured she had to give up cleaning for a life on the seas as a pirate. Then she died.

2014 The death of a team. And a French man.

2014 started off like any other year for Manor Marussia – slowly and in last place. Just when John Booth thought things couldn't get any worse, they did get any worse. Much any worse.

During the Chinese Grand Prix at Japan's Suzuka circuit Italian named Frenchman Jules Bianchi lost control of his car and collided with a tractor being used to remove homosexual thug Adrian Sutil from the circuit. Bianchi was killed indefinitely.

When Bianchi died, so did the team. Their title sponsor left, deciding to not sign with McLaren for 2015. The team factory shut its doors and in early 2015 the assets were sold on ebay.

2015 Rebirth

Like that time Jesus woke up from being dead in a cave, so Manor was re-born from being dead, but not in a cave.

An unknown man called Stephen Fitzpatrick made the appalling decision to spunk all of his personal fortune on the Manor team's assets. In February 2015 it was announced Manor would once again be ignored completely by fans and the media during every race of the season. Or until they went bust again.


Will Stevens (written by keevo)
28 May 1991
Car Number ???

Some British guy who drove in Formula Renault 3.5 for a while and was ok. He looks like a twat though.

Roberto Merhi (written by keevo)
22 March 1991
Car Number ???

Some Spanish guy who also drove in Formula Renault 3.5 and was ok. He also looks like a twat.

McLaren (written by Riso)

It was the dawn of a new age.
Honda has returned to Formula 1.

(In)famous (for his autism) Ron Dennis hopes to rekindle the unholy alliance that dominated the sport from 1988-1991. No stone was left unturned at McLaren after Ron Dennis took back the reigns after the disastrous previous years in the hands of Martin Whitmarsh. Together with racing director Eric Boullier they culled the weak (Sam Michael) and poached the strong (Podromou). The former head aero genius at the no good cheating drink company's rolling marketing Red Bull now controls the winds at a proper racing focused engineering team. Alas, in pre-season testing the team managed only 1751 km or 28% of Mercedes. Rumours say the Honda power unit is unreliable and breaks down all the time but clearly they are just sandbagging to lull their competitors into a false sense of security.

Ron Dennis' final coup to bring it all together on track was liberating Fernando Alonso from the stifling incompetency of a red painted Spaghetti team. In an uncharacteristically smart decision, most likeable British Tory racing driver Jenson Button was retained another year instead of a tool called K-MAG.


Fernando Alonso (idk who wrote this, my bad)

Spanish pay driver who wrung the last gasps out of Benetton-Renault to fluke and cheat his way to two WDCs. Despite this, he remains the only multiple WDC since Emerson Fittipaldi to not be Hitler. Following his undeserved victories he went to McLaren for a season, where his true form was demonstrated as he was beaten both by his rookie teammate and a Finn best known for eating ice cream. After this Alonso's career took the traditional ex-WDC trajectory of going to Ferrari in the hope of finding further success, which unless you are Michael Schumacher is a move not unlike visiting a brothel in the hope of finding nuns. Alonso did manage to emulate Schumacher's post-Ferrari career in some respects by failing to win anything before hitting his head against a solid object and suffering brain trauma. However, unlike Schumacher and WDC Of Our Hearts Jules Bianchi, Alonso was not wise enough to pretend to be in a coma afterward.

Fernando Alonso was last seen in a Catalonian hospital asking doctors who their favourite Spice Girl was. He was wearing a white hospital gown, had a short black beard and was carrying his favourite teddy, Dasha. Fernando Alonso is 13.

Jenson Button

Pretty cool British guy who probably should have retired after last season because this year's car is absolutely atrocious. He won a WDC in 2009 thanks to the genius of Ross Brawn and Brawn GP. Normally called "Our Jense" and "Moist Master Button".

Mercedes (written by Alain Post)

Mercedes GP would like to trace their heritage to the era of pre-war motor racing, when immortals like Caracciola and Lang raced the Silver Arrows for the pride of Hitler. In reality, the team traces their heritage to the glory days of 1999, when immortals like David Coulthard and Heinz-Harald Frentzen walked the earth, and when Craig Pollock decided that building a new F1 team around Jacques Villeneuve was a great idea. Or perhaps you can call them a continuation of the Tyrrell outfit, who won a lot of races I didn't watch and were really poo poo in the races in the 80s and 90s that I did watch. The lesson here is that every F1 team is poo poo and has no history except Ferrari, who are legends. God bless the Scuderia.

Anyway the Brackley-based team (phwoar, almost as evocative as "Maranello") went from being an unsuccessful Villeneuve-based team backed by a tobacco company to being an unsuccessful Button-based team backed by a tobacco company, before Honda purchased them outright and ran them as a factory-backed team. The result was two of the worst Grand Prix cars of the last decade, and the withdrawal of Honda from F1 until some dogshit team decided to bring them in as engine partners this year, poor bastards.

Without any sponsorship or factory backing, they confusingly won both titles under Ross Brawn in 2009, something that hasn't really been explained except that they probably cheated. Mercedes backing arrived in 2010, and despite Brawn's track record and Mercedes' cash reserves, the team dissapointed for the next three years, possibly due to their driver lineup of the very adequate Nico Rosberg and a geriatric Michael Schumacher. Despite a successful 2013, featuring the arrival of Lewis Hamilton, Ross Brawn left the team and retired from Formula One.

By 2014, it was clear that Mercedes had figured out the new engine formula far better than anyone else (probably by cheating), and coming into the season, they were prohibitive favorites. A dreadful season should have been the result. However, Brawn's departure had left a bit of a power vacuum in the team that had confusingly been filled in by a mix of Paddy Lowe, Toto Wolff, and a demented Niki Lauda for some reason. The lack of clear leadership turned into high comedy when the two Mercedes drivers, absent instructions, decided to crash into each other and have slapfights in the press. Finally, despite the admirable cheating of Nico Rosberg, Lewis Hamilton prevailed.

Mercedes will expect to be the best team by some margin in 2015, and Lewis Hamilton, while not an official lead driver, will be expected to beat Rosberg over the year. With the current rules on engine development, it will be difficult for any other team- particularly the ones without Mercedes engines- to catch them- but this is Formula One, where anything can happen, except Honda making it a race distance in Melbourne. Anyway, Ferrari are probably going to win now that Fernando Alonso, world's worst car developer, is finally gone.


Lewis Hamilton (written by keevo)
Also known as Are Lewis, he is the current F1 World Drivers Champion and has won it one other time, in 2008. He is good at a lot of things such as racing. For some reason he believes he is literally the reincarnation of Ayrton Senna. He is known for his dogs Roscoe. He recently broke up with his girlfriend Nicole Scherzinodfhgidfhugdjhfgasdhasd so expect Lewis to have a mental breakdown this season, crashing into Nico Rosberg multiple times and possibly releasing his rap album that he's been recording for the past couple of years. He is also very good at fashion and at growing hair.

#blessed #megajet #barebuttpaintballing

Nico Rosberg (written by George Zimmer)
It’s a Finn, it’s a German! No wait, it’s a Monegasque! Whatever Nico is, you’ll be hearing a lot about him this season. Britney will no doubt be trying to mimic his father Keke’s 1982 championship this year, with his primary rival being his teammate and former friend/lover Lewis Hamilton. Nico was largely a midfield driver until scoring a win in China in 2012, Mercedes first in the new era, and then going on to gain a few more in 2013. By 2014, he was, and is, a championship contender.

Nico attracted some pretty negative press last season that ultimately turned the fans largely against him. The first was his lockup and subsequent off track excursion during qualifying at Monaco that brought out the yellow flag towards the end of Q3…after he set the fastest time, of course. Guess whose potential poleworthy lap got spoiled? Rosberg went on to secure pole and victory after being cleared of any wrongdoing by race officials, but people weren’t convinced. The second incident took place at Spa, where an overeager Rosberg punctured Are Lewis’ tire on lap two. Nico secured 2nd while the win went to Ricciardo, but he wasn’t able to skate by like Monaco. He was formally reprimanded by the team, and he more or less turned into the series villain. He was booed on the podium in Italy and the UK and was given no reprieve from the largely UK-centric motorsport media.

When the gorgeous Finn/Nazi/Monegasque isn’t cheating, he’s quite good. Rosberg has arguably the fastest single lap pace of the field and routinely traded poles and wins with Hamilton for much of the season. He’s not as aggressive passing wise as say Hamilton or Alonso, but can still scrap for position with most of the field. Goon opinion on the most gorgeous driver in F1 is mostly negative, largely for the incidents that occurred during the 2014 season. Has a penchant for booze and is married to a supermodel or some poo poo. We all know he wants to get back with Hamilton.

Red Bull (written by keevo)

Red Bull was originally Stewart Grand Prix which was then turned into Jaguar Racing which then turned into Red Bull Racing. From 2005 to 2010 the team branded themselves as the Cool Team (no relation to HRT) which didn't play politics in F1 and was pretty laid back and fun. Adrian Newey unsurprisingly then made a car for the 2010 season that they could actually win races and championships with, which completely changed the way the company operated. No longer was Red Bull Racing known as the Cool Team, they bitched and moaned and acted as if they were as important as Ferrari (which they weren't). Winning the 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013 World Constructor's Championship, Red Bull Racing completely dominated F1 and caused mass suicides all around the world who were sick of Red Bull winning and making the races boring. However in 2014, a new engine was introduced in an attempt to stop the Red Bull domination, which worked. The engine became more important than the aero and because Renault are run by idiots, they made an engine which was down by 100 hp compared to the Mercedes. Although they still managed to place 2nd in the constructor's championship that year, the era of Red Bull domination has ended and has continued on in 2015. It appears this year that they've managed to fall even further back with engine development, allowing Ferrari and Williams of all teams to jump ahead of them in races and in the championship. Christian Horner (also known as Horny Horner for a specific picture) has started complaining about how engines are ruining the sport and is sorta threatening to quit F1 and start their own championship (also known as pulling a Ferrari).

Daniil Kvyat
26 April 1994
Car Number 26

Some Russian guy, he did ok in Toro Rosso and was promoted to Red Bull Racing because Sebastian Vettel left and because they had no one else who was as good as Vettel or Ricciardo. He won the GP3 championship in 2013 which I guess is pretty good. However his 2014 season at Toro Rosso wasn't memorable, finishing 15th in the championship behind the likes of Sergio Perez, Nico Hulkenberg, Kevin Magnussen, and Romain Grosjean.

Daniel Ricciardo
1 July 1985
Car Number 3

A really cool Australian guy who smiles a lot. He's a very good driver with a bright future ahead of him if Red Bull or Renault can actually get their car and engine to be as fast as the Mercedes or Ferrari. He chose his number because Dale Earnhardt was his favorite driver while growing up. He probably has a brighter future than Dale because he knows how to turn right.



Felipe Nasr (written by keevo)
21 August 1992
Car Number 12

New driver who raced in GP2 from 2012 to 2014. He did alright finishing 10th, 4th and 3rd in the series respectively. I think he's supposed to be ok but this season should show whether or not he's good.

Marcus Ericcson (written by enri)
2 September 1990
Car Number 9
Completely forgettable driver, somehow managed to secure a drive for his second season in F1 despite no one actually remembering who he drove for in 2014 or remembering him achieving anything of note, possibly comes pre-installed with lots of money. He won some GP2 races a while back. Desperately needs to sort that hair out. Slightly reminds me of that twat Joffrey from Game of Thrones.

Toro Rosso

The "we're not Red Bull but really are" team. Formerly Minardi, they were bought by Red Bull in 2006 to serve as a stepping stone between GP2/GP3 and Red Bull Racing and to allow their drivers to acclimate to Formula 1 circus.


Max Verstappen (written by Serperoth)
30 September 1997
Car Number 33

Not ARE MAX. The Other Max. Son of former F1 racer Jos Verstappen, (who wasn't absolutely terrible) and a lady who used to (pretty successfully) race karts. Expect "the other Verstappen", considering how his dad was around for a while. Pretty loving young (born in '97), started racing pretty early on (at 4-5 years old according to Wikipedia), he's been pretty promising in other disciplines even before racing in Formula 3, where he finished the 2014 season 3rd, and he's already the younger driver to participate in a GP weekend (Free Practice in Japan 2014). Signed with Toro Rosso for 2015, and with his history he could be more than a moving chicane. Probably not too bad, all things considered.

Carlos Sainz Jr (written by Rhopunzel)
1 September 1994
Car Number 55

Son of two time WRC champion Carlos Sainz, Carlos "Chilli" Sainz Jr. is one of two new additions to the constant new driver carousel that is Toro Rosso. Like all products of the Red Bull driver programme, he has a single season to prove he's good enough to displace a driver in the Red Bull team or risks facing a career in Formula E, WEC, or some other shitass series no one cares about. Is afraid of really high places with glass.


Williams (written by MattD1zzl3)

If you go to 4:20 of this video posted today, you can see claire williams is wearing a metal as gently caress scarf with scull patterns. Woman is confident and ready to smoke the competition. Pack it in boys, Felipe Massa williams WDC 2015. (Meanwhile, Lewis hamilton sustains a career-ending tailbone injury, leaving him unable to comfortably sit in the car. Forever remembered as the two time world championship winner who went out getting too hard an impact to the rear end. Marries Nichole and posts pictures with even more frequency of himself sitting on pillows with an aging roscoe like a black pewdiepie.) a youtube deal is in the works


Felipe Massa (written by Sashimi)
25 April 1981
Car Number 19

This plucky Brazilian underdog made waves in 2006 when he joined Ferrari, guided to multiple race wins under the guidance of engineer and visor advisor Rob Smedley. Massa's form peaked in 2008 when he was WDC... for about a minute until hip hop sensation Lewis Hamilton literally took the championship at the very last corner. The following season saw disaster, when pensioner Rubens Barichello thought he was playing Mario Kart for a moment and dropped a banana spring in Massa's face. Although he made a full recovery from horrific injuries, his performance has never been the same. Massa spent the four long years of The Vettelreich failing to live up to his former potential, rarely meeting the pace of teammate Fernando "Fernando is faster than you" Alonso. Frequent errors and comedic rain driving abilities became his hallmarks, leading many to question if the Scuderia were crazy to keep him on. They were.

After Ferrari let Massa go at the end of 2013, he was picked up by Williams, who also signed on Rob Smedley, keeping F1's favourite radio duo together. Although Massa had much more success with Williams compared to Ferrari, in no small part helped by a non-poo poo car, he still was outpaced by his Finnish teammate, potato-man Valteri Bottas. Massa remains a popular driver with his cheerful attitude and underdog appeal, but it remains to be seen if he can recapture his old form. Outlook doubtful

Valterri Bottas (written by Jon Von Anchovi)
28 August 1989
Car Number 77

An up and coming driver for Williams, Bottas was test driver for 2010, 2011 and 2012 before being confirmed as racing driver beside teammate Crashtor Maldonado in 2013. Deciding that at least one driver from Williams needed to complete races, Bottas checked his nationality and so regularly aims to finish.

2013 saw Valtteri achieve his first F1 points by finishing 8th in the US Grand Prix.

2014 saw Bottas hit his stride as a driver, finishing 6th in Australia; a result improved to 5th after the fact. Bottas improved his best result again with his first podium in Formula 1 by finishing 3rd in Austria behind the all conquering Mercedes. Finishing second in Great Britain and Germany and scoring points in 8 of the 9 remaining races, Bottas' consistency earned him 186 WDC points. enough to finish 4th.

2015 is sure to see Valtteri concentrate on gaining his first race win in Formula 1, challenge for a top 3 finish in the WDC and to continue dating stunning Finnish Olympic swimmer Emilia Pikkarainen; all equally important life goals.



Continued below because the book of Pastor Maldonado took a lot of space.

keevo fucked around with this message at Mar 20, 2015 around 18:48


Jun 16, 2011



Australian Grand Prix (written by keevo)

First GP - 1996
Laps - 58
Circuit Length - 3.29 mi (5.30 km)
Lap Record - 1.24.125 (Michael Schumacher - 2004)

The Australian Grand Prix is the first race in the Formula 1 World Championship and is the first real showing of how terrible every car, driver, and team is. The race, which was previously held in the streets of Adelaide is currently held in a park in Melbourne. It is notable for not being designed by Hermann Tilke and for producing entertaining races because there are actual opportunities for cars to pass each other outside of pit stops and long straights with DRS followed by hairpin turns/chicanes.

Expect early retirements at the first corner of the first lap, fantastic battles throughout the race, and Maldonado probably crashing into someone or something (it’s ok though because he will win the F1 Drivers Championship at the end of the year).

Fun Fact: No Australian has ever won this race and Mark Webber has the best finish by an Australian at this race of 4th. Ricciardo, although on the podium last year, was disqualified and finished last due to not having enough fuel and because Red Bull sabotaged his race so Vettel could win the championship

Malaysia (written by HJB)

First GP - 1999
Number of Laps - 56
Circuit Length - 5.543 km
Lap Record - 1:34.223 (Juan Pablo Montoya - 2004)

Malaysia's Sepang circuit was the first of a new breed of Asian and Tilke tracks. Its debut was so long ago, in fact, that none of the current crop of drivers took part in the first F1 race there, not even old man Jense, and Max Verstappen was but a twinkle in his father's test tube. The circuit's known for two things: The two massively long straights, punctuated by hairpins that were to become a Tilke staple, and the death of Moto GP racer Marco Simoncelli.

The Malaysian GP has established itself as the second race of the season, where it takes all the hope and chaos brought on by Australia, and... doesn't really do much with it. While it hasn't necessarily produced many memorable races per se, there have been plenty of key moments to make you think "Oh yeah, I remember that":

1999: What turned out to be Eddie Irvine's last win in F1 as his frankly bizarre title challenge hit its peak, abetted by his able rear-gunner Michael Schumacher in his return to action after delighting the Silverstone crowd earlier in the year.
2002: Schumacher and fan-favourite Juan Pablo Montoya had a moment; Schumacher went on to finish third, his worst result of the year (those were the days). Ralf Schumacher won the race. Honest.
2004: This was apparently Jenson Button's first podium finish, for BAR, finishing third behind Schumacher and Montoya. This is a second sentence to make it look like I've written up more about it.
2007: Fernando Alonso's first win for McLaren. If he returns in time for Malaysia this year he'll be hoping to make it his first win for McLaren.
2009: One of the few times in F1 history half-points were given out, and I think the most recent, as it was abandoned about half-way through due to rain. Moist Master Button won, while Rubens Barrichello took the fastest car in the field by some margin all the way up to fifth. Behind two Toyotas.
2012: Part of the craziest season in recent memory, Sergio Perez (remember him?) nearly won the race, charging after Alonso before promptly falling off the road. He still finished second.
2013: The establishing of Lewis Hamilton as the top dog in the Mercedes pack, the team ordering Nico Rosberg to stay behind the former's slightly ailing car. History has proven this to be the point where Rosberg's brain snapped, culminating in his rather embarrassing title challenge of 2014.

As for this year, look out for Alonso's re-debut, and to see if half the teams on the grid can afford to turn up for a second race.

China (written by Funzo)

First GP - 2004
Number of Laps - 56
Circuit Length - 5.451
Lap Record - 1:32.239 (Michael Schumacher - 2004)

Shanghai International Raceway was built on a swamp, as befitting an F1 track. It was built partly through government funds, and in 2007, a former manager was convicted of embezzlement as part of a corruption scandal which also implicated several Chinese Communist party officials. China has clearly fully embraced the F1 ethos.

Shanghai is another of the modern tracks designed by Hermann Tilke, with the only thing distinguishing it from any other of his tracks is the tight turn in to corners 1-2.

Shanghai first appeared on the F1 Calendar in 2004, with a win by Rubens Barrichello for Ferrari. It also saw the final F1 win by Michael Schumacher, in 2006. Mercedes won it in a walk in 2014, with Hamilton leading the entire race from Pole.

Hamilton has won in China three times, although 2007, was not one of those. Failing to successfully navigate the pit lane cost him the race, and the championship.

Bahrain (written by keevo)

First GP - 2004
Number of Laps - 57
Circuit Length - 5.412
Lap Record - 1:31:447 (Pedro De La Rosa - 2005)

It's a terrible race track at a terrible place designed by a terrible person funded by a terrible government. It's only had like one good race and the rest are pretty poo poo.

Spain (written by Falken)

First GP - 1991
Number of Laps - 66
Circuit Length - 4.655
Lap Record - 1:21.670 (Kimi Raikkonen - 2008)

In some ways, coming to The Circuit de Catalunya is celebrated with it being the start of the European leg of the season, and enthusiastic (racist) spectators it attracts. In others, it's hated for the typically dull racing thanks to the many high speed corners, so the best aero package will typically prevail. Overtaking is rather difficult, with exception of getting within DRS range of the car ahead on the main straight, and getting into a braking duel at Turn 1. To try to encourage more overtaking, the sweeper at Turn 14 was turned into a rather sharp chicane in 2007. All this has proved to do is ruin the flow of the circuit. Turn 3 has been the site of many an accident over the years, notably robbing Hamilton of the 2010 World Championship, and Alonso of the last 20 years of his life.
Oh, and Schumacher curb-stomped everyone here in 1995 in the wet.

Monaco (written by aequalis)

First GP - 1950
Number of Laps - 78
Circuit Length - 3.34 km
Lap Record - 1:14.439 (Michael Schumacher - 2004)

The Monaco GP is the second race of the "European Season" before the F1 circus goes to the European nation of Canada. Long touted as one of THE historic races to win - alongside the British, Italian and Belgian GPs - Monaco is a track that tends to be dominated by one driver during years of supremacy (Graham Hill, Ayrton Senna, Michael Schumacher). The circuit is not a stranger to heart break and controversy however, with a string of fatal accidents during its early years, and a string of naughty cheating Germans trying to cheat their way into Pole positions in the nought-ies. The narrow, armco-lined nature of the circuit has a tendency to produce either extremely boring, processional races, or spectacular cock-ups (usually from lovely pay drivers) resulting in multi car pile ups and lengthy safety car periods.

The prestigious circuit passes through the Casino lined streets of Monte Carlo, this round of the F1 season is trying for the drivers, in which their mettle is truly tested. As a spectator, this round is a true gamble, but sometimes it pays off.

NB - some of the minor league open wheeled series tend to have races before the F1 main event, and getting some online footage of those races is a must.

Canada (written by harperdc)

First GP - 1978
Number of Laps - 70
Circuit Length - 4.361 km
Lap Record - 1:13.622 (Rubens Barrichello - 2002)

The Canadian Grand Prix has been a staple of the Formula 1 calendar for years, with the round taking place at its current Montreal location since 1978. Much like Australia’s Albert Park, Montreal is a park in the middle of the St. Lawrence River that you can take the subway to during the rest of the year (the island also holds Montreal’s casino). Similar to Monza, it’s a simple course layout separated by slow corners that means both high speeds and very high brake usage -- there have been a number of high-profile brake failures in years past, including Heinz-Harald Frentzen in the Jordan in 1999 and both Mercedes cars in 2014 (Rosberg held on, Hamilton did not).

The Canadian Grand Prix is usually one of the best rounds of the season -- safety cars are a common sight, and despite often being held in June, there’s a good chance of a rainstorm coming through and causing havoc. A favorite of the drivers and reportedly a hell of a party every year, the Canadian GP is deservedly a fixture on the Formula 1 calendar. Last year, a typically surprising finish to the race saw Daniel “Australian Dan” Ricciardo rocket to the front in the last few laps and take a famous first race win.

Austria (written by harperdc)

First GP - 1970
Number of Laps - 71
Circuit Length - 4.326
Lap Record - 1:12.142 (Sergio Perez - 2014)

Even the cynics around here applauded when Red Bull helped bring the Austrian Grand Prix back last year. Despite being one of the shortest laps on the Formula 1 calendar (the circuit is 4.3 kilometers, similar to Montreal, yet last year’s pole time was 1:08.75), the Red Bull Ring has one of the best layouts in the year, owing to its heritage as an edited version of the old Österreichring. While more people know the Nurburgring as “the famous old track that killed a lot of people,” the O-ring also had a pretty grisly reputation, including claiming the life of American legend Mark Donohue in 1975. The original layout hosted the race from 1970 to 1987, and by its last season, the track was second only to Silverstone in speed.

The current layout was introduced as the A1-Ring and hosted the Austrian GP from 1997-2003. This includes the 2002 Austrian Grand Prix, where Rubens Barrichello was forced to do an “After you, Michael” move and let Herr Schumacher past on the last lap to take the win. After the 2003 race, there were plans to lengthen the track, and Red Bull purchased it and proved to do gently caress-all with it until 2008, when they finally rebuilt the grandstands and pits.

The current Red Bull Ring retains the same tiny layout as the A1-Ring, and packs in plenty of elevation change and fast corners. The revived Austrian Grand Prix returned to the Formula 1 calendar last year, but Red Bull hopes were dashed and Mercedes won once again.

Britain (written by harperdc)

First GP - 1950
Number of Laps - 52
Circuit Length - 5.891 km
Lap Record - 1:33.401 (Mark Webber - 2013)

Ah, the British Grand Prix. The British Grand Prix at Silverstone was the first Formula 1 Grand Prix hosted in the first modern Formula 1 season, 65 years ago in 1950. Silverstone has not always hosted the event -- from 1964 to 1986 it rotated yearly with Brands Hatch, until (of course) politics kicked in and Silverstone took control of the British round. Silverstone is, famously, a former World War II airport, the layout based on the runways built in that era. This also means it is built in the middle of nowhere, and I’m sure our British contingent of goons can better comment on that.

Despite changes to the circuit after the ultra-fast 1980s and early 1990s, Silverstone remained one of the places (along with Monza) where teams would use tiny rear wings and make time up on the long straightaways. However, the renovations for the 2010 round changed the circuit (including moving the start/finish and pit lane) and made it more Tilke-style, though it still is a fearsome and fast track.

A mid-summer fixture on the calendar, the British Grand Prix has been the site of many famous moments featuring British drivers -- especially a few “track invasions” after wins by the mustachioed legend, “Our” Nigel Mansell. “Our” Lewis Hamilton is the defending race winner; his teammate Rosberg retired and Lewis’ Mercedes, duly, walked off into the sunset ahead of all others.

Germany - Probably Not Happening This Year lol (written by harperdc)

Another one of the traditional rounds in the traditional European grand prix nations, the German Grand Prix this year is under a cloud of speculation as the season starts.

First, the history: the Nürburgring hosted Grand Prix races since 1927. After the war, the German Grand Prix entered the Formula 1 calendar in 1951, and the round was held at the Nürburgring from then until 1976. 1976 was the year of the famous near-fatal incident with Niki Lauda, and was the last Grand Prix on the fearsome long circuit.

From 1977, the Hockenheimring hosted the German Grand Prix. The “old” Hockenheim was a fantastic circuit -- along with Monza and Silverstone, it was one of the “tiny wings” tracks. It was basically a long blast through the forest, interrupted by three chicanes, and then quickly around a ‘stadium’ set of hairpin corners to finish the lap. This old Hockenheim ran until 2001; from 2002, the track was modified and built around the stadium. The intimidating flat-out forest run is no more, though I personally don’t mind the new iteration as far as Tilke circuits go.

What of the Nürburgring? A number of times in the ‘90s and 2000s the new short circuit hosted the European Grand Prix (as an excuse to get a second race in the Schumacher-mad German market), and from 2007 the two would share the German round - Nürburgring in odd years, Hockenheim in even years. And so that continued until this year…and the Nürburgring is, in short, in pretty big trouble financially. And after last year’s poorly attended race at Hockenheim (why? No Schumacher; none of the current German drivers are terribly popular; hyper-inflated ticket prices? Take your pick), it appears the round this year is in trouble.

Will update when there’s more news.

Hungary (written by harperdc)

First PG - 1986
Number of Laps - 70
Circuit Length - 4.381 km
Lap Record - 1:19.071

Once upon a time, the Formula 1 circus was still centered on the traditional markets of Western Europe. Sure, there were odd dalliances out to the far-flung corners of the world (Canada, the US, South Africa, Japan) but most of the races -- and interest -- centered right around Greenwich Mean Time. Enter the Hungarian Grand Prix and the Hungaroring, built in 1985. Bernie, wily capitalist that he is, wanted a race behind the Iron Curtain; enter Hungary. The government built the track in eight months, and it’s been a Formula 1 round ever since.

Honestly, the Hungarian GP is traditionally one of the snoozers of the Formula 1 calendar. It’s often a procession; sure, there was one year where Michael Schumacher managed to make an extra pit stop work by pumping in inhuman qualifying laps, but, well, that’s about it. The Hungarian GP has always been a mid-season race, so it hasn’t decided championships; since it’s usually in late July or early August, it’s almost always a dry race, too. And the windy, generic layout hasn’t lent itself to exhilarating races. Hungary is also famous as the track where Felipe Massa was almost killed by a runaway spring off of Rubens Barrichello’s car. Poor Massa.

But in recent years, with the 2009-now rules, the racing has been a little better. Last year, Daniel Ricciardo made a ridiculous pass to get past Hamilton and played the strategy game well to get a well-deserved win.

Belgium (written by harperdc)

First GP - 1950
Number of Laps - 44
Circuit Length - 7.004 km
Lap Record - 1:47.263 (Sebastian Vettel - 2009)

Classic. Belgium has hosted a Grand Prix since the 1950s, with the old Spa street circuit hosting until the 1970s when, like the old Nürburgring, it was euthanized due to safety concerns. After trips to Zolder and Nivells in the 1970s, the Belgian GP returned to the modified Spa-Francorchamps we know now in 1979. Though there’s been a few modifications since then, Spa remains a classic driver’s track -- fast, yet requiring commitment and skill to navigate its many sweepers. Most of the corners are taken at speed, in 3rd, 4th or 5th gear, which differentiates the track from many modern circuits. And of course there’s the famous Eau Rouge uphill left-right-left that still can separate the men from the boys. In recent years, the event has been the “opener” of the second half of the season, coming as the first round after the traditional August break.

Spa is always a must-watch race. This is partially because Spa is seemingly always five minutes away from a rainstorm covering half the track. In 1998, a first-lap incident in major rain took out 13 of the 22 cars and caused a re-start; later, Michael Schumacher tried to use David Coulthard’s McLaren as a launch ramp, which led to the two fighting in the pits. Oh, and Jordan won its first race, finishing 1-2. 2008 was another notable race, famous for the battle between Kimi Raikkonen and Lewis Hamilton in the closing laps. In recent years, the passing moves coming up Eau Rouge have gotten ballsier and ballsier.

Classic track, classic event, Spa is simply a must-watch every year.

Italy (written by Ilanin)

First PG - 1950
Number of Laps - 53
Circuit Length - 5.793
Lap Record - 1:21.046 (Rubens Barrichello - 2004)

The oldest* permanent circuit on the calendar is also the fastest. Teams will show up with ultra-skinny wings and brand new engines if they've still got any left, and hit average speeds of 155 mph and maximum speeds of 215 mph or potentially more depending on how much of a slipstream you've got - Daniel Ricciardo hit 223mph last year down the start-finish straight with a double tow. The high speeds and the lack of tire wear can actually make overtaking at Monza quite difficult, since there's not many braking points and it's difficult to follow cars closely through the Parabolica in order to overtake into the Rettifilo (though we'll see lots of people trying). In the DRS era, this actually leads to some pretty great racing as the DRS does what it's actually supposed to - get you alongside, but not get you past; we've seen some good battles at Monza in recent years and also some of the best overtakes. Theoretically, this is a power circuit and Mercedes-engined cars should be almost untouchable here; but practically sometimes it turns out that if somebody (Red Bull) has designed a car that's much more aerodynamically efficient than the rest of the field, they can make up for the deficit by running even less wing than everybody else is doing.

Singapore (written by harperdc)

First GP - 2008
Number of Laps - 61
Circuit Length - 5.065 km
Lap Record - 1:43.574 (Sebastian Vettel)

Welcome to the Monaco Grand Prix of Asia. The first night race in Formula 1 history, the Singapore Grand Prix quickly became a celebrity and fan favorite after it joined the contemporary calendar in 2008. The circuit runs through the heart of the Southeast Asian city-state, with the Marina Bay hotel featuring as a landmark in the background. Because it’s a night race (one-part European TV timing, one-part unique gimmick!) and because Singapore is a real high-end place, it’s also become a magnet for celebrities and partiers of all kinds. Famous acts perform concerts after the qualifying and race sessions, and the nightlife runs late from all reports.

As a race, the Singapore GP usually sees pretty heavy brake and engine usage (because it has a few wide-open areas punctuated by heavy breaking multiplied by SE Asian heat and humidity) and always has safety cars thanks to it being a tight and twisty street circuit. It was manipulation of the safety car in the first race in 2008 that cost noted speedo enthusiast Flavio Briatore his job after the “Crashgate” incident, wherein he and the team ordered noted lamp connoisseur Nelson Piquet Jr to crash and help lift Fernando Alonso into the lead.

Singapore is usually a decent race, bit of a procession but something I at least hope remains on the calendar. If Monaco can be a bit boring and stay on the calendar, then why not Singapore, too?


First GP - 1987
Number of Laps - 53
Circuit Length - 5.807 km
Lap Record - 1:31.540 (Kimi Raikkonen - 2005)

Another round that’s become a classic over the years, the traditional late-season Japanese Grand Prix has seen a long history of drama at one of the driver’s favorite circuits. While a Japanese GP was held at Fuji Speedway in 1976 and 1977, the Japanese round became a fixture after 1987, when it moved to the Honda-owned Suzuka Circuit in the central region of the country. After a two-year switch back to Fuji, every round since 2009 has been back at Suzuka. Thanks to its origins as a test track, Suzuka features a little bit of everything - the technical Ess curves to start the lap, the long runs through Dunlop and Spoon Curves, the fast run to and through 130R. It also is unique in its overlapping figure-8 layout. Technical like a Tilke circuit but flowing much like Spa-Francorchamps in Belgium, Suzuka is a great circuit and in just about every racing video game you can imagine.

Between full, passionate crowds of Japanese fans and a great circuit, the Japanese GP is loved by the Formula 1 circus. The Japanese round has also been either the final round or in the final stretch of the season since the 1987 move to Suzuka, so it’s played a part in many famous title bouts. A brief listing: 1987 with the intra-Williams battle was decided when Mansell injured himself in practice; the 1989 and 1990 run-ins between Senna and Prost; the 1996 intra-Williams battle between Hill and Villeneuve; Schumacher winning in 2000 to clinch Ferrari’s first driver’s title in a dog’s age; Schumacher coming from 14th to secure the 2003 title.

Last year, the race became known for a much worse reason - the accident that almost claimed the life of Jules Bianchi.


First GP - 2014
Number of Laps - 53
Circuit Length - 5.848 km
Lap Record - 1:40.896 (Valtteri Bottas - 2014)

Inaugurated just last year and running a circuit around the 2014 Winter Olympic facilities in the Russian seaside town of Sochi, the Russian Grand Prix is one of the newest cash-grabs by Bernie Ecclestone. Despite attempts in the past to build a circuit outside of Moscow and run the Grand Prix up there (note that this track did get built and hosts various touring car and lower single-seater formulae), apparently some geniuses decided that the streets around the Olympic village and Olympic Park would make a fine venue for the race track, and so now we have this race, contracted through 2020.

Last year’s race wasn’t much to write home about. The Formula 1 grid was in shock and low spirits due to Jules Bianchi’s accident the previous week at Suzuka, it was becoming apparent that Marussia and Caterham were in financial troubles, and the circuit was a bit poo poo. Oh, and a lot of people didn’t think a race in Russia was a good idea considering their military action in Ukraine. Lewis Hamilton won, and there was some amusement thanks to the ultra-long Turn 4 and the acres of run-off space. Sochi promises to be a lot more boring than the preceding rounds on the calendar. Pardon my lack of enthusiasm.

United States (written by harperdc)

First GP - 2012
Number of Laps - 56
Circuit Length - 5.513 km
Lap Record - 1:39.347 (Sebastian Vettel - 2012)

A regular event on the calendar but seemingly never held at the same location for very long, the United States Grand Prix might have found a new home at the Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas. We’ve said that before, and may say that again, but at least it’s not a street course this time.

The United States has hosted GPs throughout Formula 1’s 65-year history. Certain older fans/IndyCar enthusiasts will long for the days when Formula 1 ran at Watkins Glen in upstate New York, but that circuit last hosted a Grand Prix in 1980. The U.S. also hosted a “West” round at Long Beach in the 1970s until 1983, too, but after 1980 things get funny. Around a casino in Las Vegas, then mid-summer in Dallas, Belle Isle in Detroit, and finally, the downtown of scenic Phoenix. Formula 1 left from 1992 until returning at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway in 2000, where the race was re-booted and seemingly found a home…until 2005 happened. The USGP at Indianapolis was canceled after 2007.

But since 2012, we’ve had a new USGP, held at the Circuit of the Americas in Austin, Texas. The Circuit of the Americas is an interesting and busy modern design, mixing a fast flippy-floppy first segment with a long straight and then a technical second half of the lap. There’s plenty of run-off area, and it’s all quite nicely designed and wonderfully 2010s Formula 1. It’s pretty standard current Formula 1 action, but at least it’s here and back in the United States.

Mexico (written by harperdc)

First GP -1963
Number of Laps - Not announced yet
Circuit Length - Not announced yet
Lap Record - Hasn't even happened yet

After hosting a Mexican Grand Prix in the 1960s and then again from 1986 to 1992, the Formula 1 circus returns to the Autodromo Hermanos Rodriguez for the 2015 season. Though the circuit hasn’t been used by real top-level international racing in a few years, the largesse of Carlos Slim (the reason that Mexican drivers Perez and Gutierrez have been on the grid in recent years) has brought the track up to standard and the tour back to Mexico City.

The track is known well for a few reasons -- first, its long, classic, sweeping layout and fast speeds mean it sits with tracks like Monza, Spa and Suzuka in the old-school group. Second, Mexico City sits over 7,000 feet (2,800 meters) above sea level, meaning it may be a challenge for the drivers’ fitness and for the cars. Last, because the circuit runs through a goddamned baseball stadium. Crazy.

Brazil (written by harperdc)

First GP - 1973
Number of Laps - 71
Circuit Length - 4.309 km
Lap Record - 1:11.473

Another of the traditional modern rounds of the Formula 1 season, the Brazilian Grand Prix has been at Interlagos for more than 20 years. Held in Rio until 1990, the move to Interlagos coincided with the height of Ayrton Senna’s powers. The track is another of the calendar’s classics - if Spa is a long, languid run through the forest, then Interlagos is a high-speed chase through a cereal bowl. Long corners that go up and downhill make the circuit - you guessed it! - a driver’s favorite.

The Brazilian GP has been the site of many recent dramatic finishes, especially since the race moved from its traditional early-season spot to the end of the year. The 2003 race saw rain hit late on and Jordan driver Giancarlo Fisichella win in bizarre circumstances. In 2008, Lewis Hamilton got past Timo Glock on the final corner of the final lap to secure his first World Championship, right as Ferrari’s Brazilian Felipe Massa won the race and thought he’d done enough to win the title.

Currently undergoing renovations and recently seeing the circuit re-paved, Interlagos will only get better.

Abu Dhabi (written by harperdc)

First GP - 2009
Number of Laps - 55
Circuit Length - 5.554 km
Lap Record - 1:40.279 (Sebastian Vettel - 2009)

If the Monaco Grand Prix is the jewel of the European rounds, and the Singapore GP the Monaco of Asia, then the Abu Dhabi GP is trying to be the Monaco of the Middle East. The Yas Marina Circuit is part of a sprawling motorsport complex slash theme park built in the bay of Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates. It’s also notable for being a dusk-to-night race, with the grand prix starting as daylight fades and the circuit’s permanent lighting system kicking in to finish in dark.

Debuting in 2009, the event has become the new finale for the season, proving to be the title decider in 2010, 2012 and 2014. The 2010 championship was down to four drivers - Red Bull’s Mark Webber and Sebastian Vettel, Ferrari’s Fernando Alonso, with McLaren’s Lewis Hamilton mathematically still eligible but a long shot. Alonso and Webber lost the strategy game, Vettel won and became the youngest World Champion. In 2014, it was down to the Mercedes teammates of Hamilton and Nico Rosberg, and though the German lost out due to car troubles, he gained fans thanks to gamely trying to finish the race instead of park early.

As for the circuit itself, it’s a Tilke-designed modern circuit with plenty of variable turns and some long straightaways. It has a unique pit lane, with the exit being a tunnel under Turn 1. It also runs under and around a posh hotel that looks like a jellyfish being lit from beneath. Mid-pack in terms of excitement and on-track action, thanks to its placement at the end of the season the Abu Dhabi GP remains a must-watch.

Here are some important F1-related pics that you should see:


Previous Threads

2014-15 Off-season
2014 season
2013-14 Off-season
2013 season
2012-13 Off season
2012 season
2011-12 Off-season
2011 Part 1|2011 Breakaway (stop talking about phones!)|2011 Part 2
2010-2011 Off Season
2010 Part 1|2010 Part 2
2009-2010 Off season
2009 News and Views|2009 Part 1|2009 Breakaway Thread|2009 Part 2
2008-2009 Off season
2008 Part 1|2008 Part 2|2008 Part 3
2007-2008 Off season
2007 Part 1|2007 Part 2|2007 Part 3
2006 Part 1|2006 Part 2|2006 Part 3|2006 Part 4|2006 Part 5
2005 Whole Season
2005 Part WTF
2004 Whole Season

keevo fucked around with this message at Jun 3, 2015 around 07:09

Human Grand Prix
Jan 24, 2013

by FactsAreUseless

The season of good poo poo.

Nov 23, 2004

get hype

Dec 26, 2008

College Slice

This. Is. Formula One.

Jul 20, 2003

me irl.

actually just keep this op, op, because it is easy to scroll past to get to the real posts.

May 11, 2007


I'm fully erect for this Formula 1 season

Jon Von Anchovi
Sep 5, 2014


e: hahaha tsaedje great minds

Sep 23, 2003

Ask me about my calm and reasonable opinions on cycling!

I am in no way a zealot about cycling!

Cycling helmets are ABSOLUTE HARAM!


actually just keep this op, op, because it is easy to scroll past to get to the real posts.

Why would anyone want to do that

Human Grand Prix
Jan 24, 2013

by FactsAreUseless

MrL_JaKiri posted:

Why would anyone want to do that

My Dinosaur Life.

Feb 24, 2006

follow the white dove


actually just keep this op, op, because it is easy to scroll past to get to the real posts.

Owned all those people who posted long winded posts for the wikiop

Butt Wizard
Nov 3, 2005

It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Err just for future reference I am ye olde shitpostere ClubmanGT.

Apr 30, 2009

Clapping Larry

This is why the opening race should be in a more corrupt country, how dare the legal system try and bring down champion contenders Sauber days before their predicted one two podium finish.

I'm really hoping they go all out and sieze the cars etc. RIP.

Mar 29, 2010

Woooo! F1 yaaay

Nov 1, 2007

Prepare for a limp todger when by the end of Lap 1 Mercedes are 2.9 seconds clear of the pack.

Human Grand Prix
Jan 24, 2013

by FactsAreUseless

NEWBIE GUIDE by white noise poster Human Grand Prix;

Red Cars: Good
Other Cars: Bad

Sep 2, 2011

asymptotically approaching one

Yes! Time to argue about everything again, till a random bulldozer turns up on track.

Apr 29, 2003

What did you do that for?

It's an interesting situation. I know poo poo like this happened three decades ago, but it's a first for my 23 years of watching F1.

Edit: Chuffed to see the new topic. The long, cold winter is finally over.

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Kanye West - Touch the Sky

McLaren are poo poo.

Jan 7, 2006

Yay new thread....

And seeing as i was pretty much last post in previous thread for those that missed it....

They will have 5 different cams available during the live sessions with the usual online delay, including the Cockpit Cam, Driver Tracker and Pit Stop Cam.

I think you might be able to access it outside of Australia using a VPN to change your region.

May 11, 2007


Alain Post posted:

McLaren are poo poo.

Boullier reckons they have two cars ready to go out in FP1

Jan 10, 2003

MrL_JaKiri posted:

Why would anyone want to do that

Pretty much everyone that's seen previous threads, it sets the tone for newcomers though

w00p FP1 soon

Nov 21, 2011

Senior Shitposting Strategist

Somebody hold me. It's so close.

Butt Wizard
Nov 3, 2005

It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

AWWW YUS we're getting Sky UK coverage this year.

El Hefe
Oct 31, 2006

You coulda had a V8/
Instead of a tre-eight slug to yo' cranium/
I got six and I'm aimin' 'em/
Will I bust or keep you guessin'


El Hefe
Oct 31, 2006

You coulda had a V8/
Instead of a tre-eight slug to yo' cranium/
I got six and I'm aimin' 'em/
Will I bust or keep you guessin'

McLaren has the same livery as in testing

Ron Dennis is the biggest shittiest liar in F1 and that's saying something

Nov 1, 2007

Butt Wizard posted:

AWWW YUS we're getting Sky UK coverage this year.

Your in NZ right? What did you guys get before?

Any Aussies who have been watching hear any mention of the Foxtel deal?

Doc M
Jan 6, 2011

I enjoy metal because of its dark, creepy, intense aesthetic.

Cars on track!

Feb 24, 2006

follow the white dove

Adam Cooper‏@adamcooperF1'@GvanderGarde lwayer reading summons that asks for Monisha Kaltenborn be committed to prison

Thread title is already delivering!

Jon Von Anchovi
Sep 5, 2014

commentators on live stream just said vettel plans to keep changing helmets and just pay the fines

Butt Wizard
Nov 3, 2005

It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

AgentJotun posted:

Your in NZ right? What did you guys get before?

BBC/5Live commentary. This is far far better.

El Hefe
Oct 31, 2006

You coulda had a V8/
Instead of a tre-eight slug to yo' cranium/
I got six and I'm aimin' 'em/
Will I bust or keep you guessin'

Lots of sparks this year

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Kanye West - Touch the Sky

Jon Von Anchovi posted:

commentators on live stream just said vettel plans to keep changing helmets and just pay the fines

that's great, he almost got stuck with his accidentally first decent helmet design

George Zimmer
Jun 28, 2008

This is Button's year, for sure

His year to retire

Feels Villeneuve
Oct 7, 2007

Kanye West - Touch the Sky

Hamilton already 2.5 seconds off Nico. Poor. Think it's Nico's year.

Sep 2, 2011

asymptotically approaching one

Man the Williams looks nice.

Sep 19, 2004
Strawberry Poodle

From @adamcooperf1:

In this summons the @GvanderGardecamp asks for @SauberF1Team boss Monisha Kaltenborn to be committed to prison:

F1 just keeps on giving

Butt Wizard
Nov 3, 2005

It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Kaltenbon's still there. Saubers not running. I wonder if she thinks she's being smart by sitting the drivers in the car and not doing FP1 in order not to breach their contracts, but also not running in order to give some weight to her argument in the contempt of court stuff.

the kentucky quid
Jan 19, 2014

I think my stream is hosed up I saw the Mclaren moving.


Big Huski Boi
Jun 28, 2007

Huski Chocolate is a lifestyle, not only a product. It's about adventure & expedition. Living life to the fullest. It's a perfect recovery drink after training, because of the healthy carbohydrate and protein content, easy to digest and perfect for replenishing tired muscles.

awesome bit there with magnussen discussing the honda's apparently strange power delivery

  • Locked thread
«295 »