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Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Hollis Brownsound posted:

It would be terrible unwatchable piece of crap with one of those big dumb season long plot arcs.

You what makes a show better? Making sure that the viewer has seen every episode leading up to the current episode to glean any possible enjoyment from this show. Personally I welcome our new TV overlords and look forward to being IV fed as I watch the newest episode of the walking dead.

There was a story arc all the way through TNG too. It turned out the main character all along was Data.

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Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Applewhite posted:

Proof that the explosion was actually a controlled demolition!

Dilithium can't melt warp nacelles

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Hmm I wonder why the space speed limit that needed to be adhered to unless there was an emergency wasn't mentioned much?

Maybe it was because every episode is an emergency unless there is an episode where picard and the rest of the crew chat poo poo to each other and fill in paperwork while the enterprise scans a nebula before going home without incident.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



chaosbreather posted:

Odo was powerfully terrible at shapeshifting, though. He couldn't even do a proper nose. He was basically a mewling infant, only ever taking the vague approximation of simple forms. A proper big boy shapeshifter takes every characteristic of the thing they're mimicking, including whatever bullshit theremin sound Roddenberry used to justify the existence of telepathy. The reason why Lwaxana couldn't read him was because he never had a real brain in there. Real shapeshifters do, they give themselves all the organs.

The funny thing about Lwaxana was that she has reacted three totally different ways when confronted by people she couldn't read. She found it an aphrodisiac for Odo; a repellant disfigurement on the Ferengi who tried to win her heart on Betazed and then after failing, abducted her; and simply calming from Data. Like all people claiming to be psychic, she just formed her conclusions first and worked backwards.

Maybe she would have been turned on by data if she had known he was ~fully functional~


Live seriously, why would you build a robot with a working penis and understanding of sexual techniques unless you were a pervert with a robot sex fetish.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Who was the bigger goon: Geordi La forge or Harry Kim?

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Figaro posted:

Harry and Geordi are both pretty bad characters and the closest thing to the goon ideal.

geordi;

Good- is really good with technobabble. Doesn't cheat at poker. Has magic eyes. Data is his best friend. Grew a pretty nice beard for three eps. The Minds Eye. Geordi roll. Played by LeVar Burton

Bad- is angry and bitter with women. Virgin. Is on same emotional level as a hothoused teen and a robot. Met his mother/father/sister once and they were dull. Holographic fuckdoll Dr Leah Brahms. Bit of a brown noser. Was a dick to Scotty even tho Scotty is a pain in the arse, the poor man is very old and everyone he's ever known is dead, give him a break LaForge.


harry;

Good- nice hair. Good at standing for long shifts. Probably not a virgin. Had a girlfriend, yes a real one.

Bad- Tom Paris is his best friend. Horrendous banter. "I'm...I'm locked out!". Acts like Captain Janeway is his mother. Only dies in other realities. Also fell madly in love with a hologram. Favourite Son. Played by Garrett Wang. Moans about being an ensign/being far from home too much..

It's you.

Out of Geordi and Harry, you are the biggest goon.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Figaro posted:

hmm I see, so you're saying I should fall for a hologram?

Holograms are simply the waifu pillows of the future.

Full disclosure, I don't actually know what a waifu pillow is but I assume losers hug them instead of real women, just like broccoli and his holowomen

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Also lol @ picard's face when he accidentally calls him Broccoli

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



I watched the TNG episode the other day where Data us offered his emotion chip (lol) and his evil jealous brother Lore steals it.

Now, here's my problem. Jealousy is an emotion. Pride is an emotion. Hate is an emotion. Lore clearly exhibits all these things prior to having the chip installed. Why the gently caress did he need the chip?

Also, Dr Soong or whatever his name is is like the most hosed up robot inventor ever. Firstly he creates a robot with a dick that works for no apparent reason. Secondly though that robot is totally indenticle to the evil robot he had to disassemble. This would have been a lot different if he had just given data like blonde hair or something.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Gutcruncher posted:

Have Tuvix around for a few more episodes, have him save the day once or twice and make friends with everybody. Then finally the Doctor discovers a way to reverse the process. Now what will the Captain do?

Sacrifice him in order to raid the coffee nebula.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Mr. Horrible posted:


Then again transporters are hand-wavy bullshit all the way down. "But isn't that just vaporizing the person and creating a duplicate?" "Nope!" "How do you know?" "Reasons!"

No they admit that's what it does. It literally disintegrates you, stores you as data, transfer the data, and then remakes you on the other side.

In Enterprise they talk about this a lot because it's a big fear.

Now if I kill you and then create an exact duplicate of you on the other side of the world with all the memories of you apart from your death and tell your clone I teleported you, would he disagree? No, because he distinctly remembers being in one place and now he's in another

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



EvilTaytoMan posted:


Except they handwave that away in a couple of episodes by claiming you can feel being in two places at once. There was also that episode where they stick Barclay in the transporter for extended periods to talk to some lifeforms or something.

Let's say I kill you and grow a clone of you on the other side of the world and the clone remembers everything up until your death. Let's also say the clone "remembers" being in two places at once.

He's obviously going to insist he could feel being in two places at once. They do this a bunch of times as the writers aren't creative where someone has the memory of the even in their head but the event never happened (like clone bomb o'brien thinks he's the real o'brien).

So basically it could literally be a genetically identical clone with identical memories rather than moving you, but no one could tell, not even your clone who would insist that they are you.

Tbh the teleworkers is like the most bad rear end weapon ever and they never kill anyone with it.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Ralp posted:

I don't think the Mirror Universe makes sense as just a divergent timeline. It seems like a defining property is that all the same people are born there and somehow end up in the same general places and associate with the same people, just all with dispositions and through circumstances that are completely different from the uh non-mirror universe. So maybe this parallel applies to transporter accidents too, in which case: Mirror Thomas Riker... and hell, Mirror Tuvix


The same accident probably happened but with someone else.

Double Geordi

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Lil Peeler posted:

How do transporters work on the surface then? Do spaceships have an atomizing ray that can target anywhere on a planet? Why don't they use this to obliterate enemies?

Yeah this is the bit they don't really explain.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



QuarkJets posted:

I just watched this "Banned Clip" during a normal watching of Season 3, it's not removed from the episode or anything. I do enjoy that Gene Rodenberry is just straight up "Hmm yes I think terrorism is fine, let's discuss this in my techno-utopian vision and then maybe lay down some sick burns on arabs"

Or at least that's the case for the Bluray

For context the show was aired prior to the 1997 Good Friday Agreement.

In the UK we sort of went a bit overboard when censoring terrorist poo poo, people always forget we were literally fighting a highly organised terrorist organisation on our doorstep and they nearly blew up the entire UK government under 40 years ago.

There was one point where a guy associated with the IRA was literally dubbed over by an English guy saying the exact same thing but out of sync so you couldn't hear an irish voice supporting the terrorist goals. This was also a time where if you said "terrorist" to someone in the UK they would think of an irish guy with a balaclava on, not a beardy dude with a turban.

That WAS banned by the BBC and Sky in the UK because it mentioned "the Irish Reunification in 2024" which, as the IRA were still active at that point, implied the UK government was going to lose that struggle. In the end of course the Good Friday Agreement was signed in 1997 meaning that the IRA only have another 9 years to undo the last 18 years of peace and reunify Ireland.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Mr. Horrible posted:

You're misremembering. In Enterprise the old codger that comes on the ship to run his experiments literally laughs over the idea that the transported you isn't the real you.

Yeah let's take the word of the ageing teleportation specialist who killed his own son trying to master teleportation and then lied to the crew of Earth's only good startship to try and fix his mistake about the dangers of teleportation.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Mr. Horrible posted:

well either everyone believes him well into the TNG era or their lifetimes of debauched holodeck murderfucking have made them so empty inside that they voluntarily step onto the transporter and get atomized

not sure which is more likely tbh

Well the point is literally everyone who has ever been through one would swear blind that they were definetly the same person who stepped onto the transporter.

However, if they were a clone programmed to think they were the person who stepped onto the transporter that is of course what they would do.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



happyhippy posted:

I wonder if anyone used the transporter as a defense argument.

"It was not I that grabbed Troi's titties in the turbolift and shouted HONK HONK, it was a collection of atoms and molecules in the same shape as myself. I appeared for the first time on the transporter pad in transporter room 4."

"My birth room was transporter pad 4. Miles O'Brien was my birth father".

"Would you convict a man for a crime committed by his perfectly identical clone prior to their deatomisation? The man who stepped onto the teleporter was disintegrated. He no longer exists. Instead here I stand, made of identical atoms BUT I am not the same man. Am I to be punished for my previous life's crimes? "

" Yes. We find you guilty of surprise sex. You're sentenced to 50 years in space prison"

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Also I reckon at least 80% of the Voyager crew shared Tom Paris' top secret Janeway programme and every time they were pissed off by her they would use the programme and have super angry BDSM sex with her.

It's the only way they kept poo poo under control on the ship. Literally everyone knew about it apart from Janeway. Even Tuvok had a go.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Angela Christine posted:

lol at you if you think Janeway never hosed herself

I much prefer the idea that when she's giving her briefings she doesn't realise everyone is just thinking "Yeah I've seen you naked", and she walks past Tom as he's leaving the holodeck and she's like "Did you have fun in there Tom?" "Uhhh yeah captain, it was a uhh vigorous workout"

You know, it's possible to do this by just saying "Computer, generate a holographic image of catherine janeway. Now, remove the clothes".

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



shadow puppet of a posted:

What a way to find out the computer has been keeping a daily log of everyones pube-sculpting decisions

Computer.

*beep*

What are the top three pubic hairstyle choices aboard Voyager?

In order of most popular to least popular: a Brazilian wax, a landing strip, and clean shaven.

Computer. Download a holographic representation of all female crewmembers with those pubic hairstyles. Now, present their vaginas here in front of me as flashlights.

*beep*

Oh poo poo I'm needed on the bridge. Computer, save programme as Harry Kim 29.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Also I was watching "Data's Day" which is a weird episode told from Data's point of view all day.

The best thing that came out of that episode is that I realise the Enterprise has a loving barber shop on it. Not a hologram programme for a barber shop, an actual barber shop.

I did some rough maths and if we assume everyone gets a haircut every 3 weeks, they need to perform about 18,000 haircuts a year. That means on board the enterprise there are about 50 haircuts needed every day. Assuming that is the only barber shop they probably need three barbers to work 365 days a year cutting hair.

My question is:

1) Why the gently caress doesn't everyone just get their haircut in the holodeck by saying "Computer. Recreate holographic imagine of Earth's best hair stylist" instead of getting some bald blue dude to do it for you.

2) what the gently caress happens when you're attacked by the romulans every week and members of your crew are halfway through their haircut? Why couldn't Riker run up to the bridge once with only half his hair cut.

3) what the gently caress do the barbers get out of this? Being in the enterprise is super dangerous. You never get to go on away parties or even do anything interesting, and there weren't even windows in the barber shop so you knew it was in space.

Like what happens when enemy boarding parties storm the ship and you're like "No please! Spare me! I'm just a barber!" as some Klingon dude stabs you to death.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



273423-X posted:

Mot is working for the betterment of Bolian-kind by learning everything that he can about hair. He will take this knowledge back to his homeworld so they can develop wig technology.

I an imagine this being an episode like that Morn episode from DS9 where you find out this is the King of Bolia or an infamous Bolian bank robber who is laying low with a false ID in starfleet.

Seriously though, who the gently caress signs up to be a barber on the most frequently endangered ship in the galaxy?

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Angela Christine posted:

They have families on the ship, so the barbers, waiters and elementary school teachers could be married to actual star fleet officers. Or they could be wannabes who desperately wanted to be in star fleet, but couldn't pass the competitive star fleet academy entrance exam.

Still why would you let some dweeb who couldn't even get into the same academy as Whil Weaton cut your hair when you can use a hologram of earth's greatest hair stylist.

He Data could probably just study the world's greatest barbers and cut your hair with android speed and precision.

Even more so, why isn't there a haircut phaser setting? "Men, set your phasers to short back and sides".

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Also I have a confession to make. In the episode where the crew goes crazy because of the sick vulcan dude there's a scene where beverly slaps Wesley.

I legit played that slap about 10 times over as I think Whil Weaton is a cool guy but has a really slappable face.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Sadly that gif is slightly too fast to enjoy it and you really need the sound of him being slapped.

It did cheer me up though.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Lord of Pie posted:

Computer! reduce playback speed!
beep boop


Best Star Trek moment of all time

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



1000 Brown M and Ms posted:

I always figured Mot had a weird fetish for hair because he can never have it, a bit like a male gynecologist.

I admit it.

I am a man and I have a fetish for vaginas. I just for them sexy OK?

There I've admitted it.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Yaos posted:

They never explain how the economy in the Federation works. We know they don't use money, and there are still undesirable jobs, but that's all we know. Why would anybody ever take an undesirable job if they have no reason to do so? Why can't a robot or a laser unclog Worf's massive shits? How are resources allocated? What's stopping me from ordering 10,000 cubic kilometers of manure?

Chief O'Brien this is the Captain.

The Captain?! Anything you need sir I'm right here to telephone you wherever I need to go.

Uhh no Chief. Worf has done a huge Klingon poo poo that is affected by the fact Klingon only eat raw meat and it's stinking up deck 6. Teleport it into space would you?

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Proof that is what they do: there's three loving barbers on enterprise and zero plumbers.

Their poo poo automatically probably gets teleported into the nearest sun.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



If people kept saying no to my sensible ideas all the time I wouldn't rush either.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Tricky D posted:

Data, in his quest to become more like the humans around him, does NOT poop or pee.

I think it's the other way around. In order to be more human he wishes to poop and pee but he has no waste to poop or pee.

Instead he goes around the enterprise asking other crew members whether they mind if he takes their poop and pee, then he ingests it (he's an android makes no odds to him) to save for later when his internal clock has calculated a human would need a poop.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Mr. Pumroy posted:

yeah i can't fault her for walking after the horrible bullshit of season 1, but dang imagine walking away from tng. like i bet even the extras make pretty good royalties due to being endlessly re-run (i don't know how royalties work)

Hint: it doesn't work like that.

Only really huge movie stars even get paid royalties these days. I think in the first avengers film everyone got paid a lump sum. Apart from Robert Downey Jr of course because he got cash up front AND royalties.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



real_slime posted:

do you actually have any idea what you're talking about? i mean i'm not an expert on how actors get paid either but i've heard on various podcasts them talking about residuals from tv shows they did 20 years ago.

Obviously not.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



counterfeitsaint posted:

Voluntary addiction to drugs is a recurrent theme in many cultures.

The Jem'Hadar could have said no, it's their own fault they are addicted. Sure they will blame "society" or some other bullshit, but tell me did "society" come and force them to do drugs? Of course not. Hippie communist scum

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



EvilGenius posted:

I always kind of disliked this element of Star Trek. There's no money, yet there are no wasters. There are no people just perpetually drinking and partying.

The idea that human beings naturally evolve into these perfect examples of success is bullshit. Can you imagine living in this universe? Where success and self improvement replace money? Sound familiar? It's called high school. Not popular or successful? You are scum. That's right - Picard and co are space jocks.

We yeah that is sort of how it works.

No one forces you to so poo poo, so you're totally able to just sit around all day jerking off and eating replicated food all day if you want.

Seriously though ask yourself how long could you sit at home for doing literally nothing before you got bored. You get over the fact that no one had any expectations of you and you can spend your entire existence accomplishing nothing and your quality of life won't be any different.

Instead the only actual rewarding thing the future has going is personal development.

Yeah you can get replicated food, but I'm this amazing chef who cooks food the old fashioned way and it tastes way better than replicated food.

Or you could be an artist or a musician, or an entertainer, the best cocktail mixer on the planet. There's literally a whole bunch of things you could do.

I always felt starfleet is actually the easy option. If you're searching for meaning in your life you sign up to get told what to do all day and tell yourself at night you made a difference.

Much harder is not joining starfleet and still doing something that isn't just a waste of your life.

I suspect people who don't do poo poo and do just laze around probably don't get respected as much. Which is fine really as it means people who get respected are the people who try.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Also RE: the poop issue we have already been over this, some of it gets recycled by the ship, some of it is eaten by data, and the blockages are teleported into space.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Nigmaetcetera posted:

Quark is the only realistic character on any star trek.

edit: have you ever held $5000 in your hands? it feels better than anything you can buy with it.

Only because it holds real value and worth.

Hole £5,000 of Monopoly money in your hands and tell me it feels as good.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Nigmaetcetera posted:

Exactly, it holds value, and you possess it, while other, more deserving people don't.

Yeah but in the Star Trek universe it means poo poo, as even if you had billions of bars of gold pressed latinum if you lived in the Federation you just replicate whatever you want anyway.

So if money is utterly worthless, and pretty much the only thing you can do is something like "Yeah I bought a spaceship/moon because I'm hella rich" no one gives two fucks because they are being a guitarist like they always wanted to be then coming home and eating replicated top quality lobster with champagne in their luxury apartment.

Money only has worth because it's needed to purchase things, but most of their things are free.

You only feel good holding a ton of cash because it basically feels powerful, you have something that others don't. If literally the only thing your $5,000 bought you was something hardly anyone gave two fucks about it wouldn't feel as good to hold.

I think basically the only things I can think of that are "status symbols" in the star trek universe are basically excelling in your field of whatever (Jake's a great writer, Sisko's dad is a great chef, plenty of great scientists), holding an official position within the federation (even being an ensign who graduated starfleet is actually pretty cool compared to average joe loser), or owning your own ship.

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Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012



Also something that occurred to me today was how hosed up the universal translators are.

Like the idea is that some alien talks to me in utter gibberish that is their language, and the translator just techno-magic's the english into my ears.

So you've got maybe Picard speaking English, Troi speaking Betazed, some blue guy speaking blue guy language, and a Romulan on the screen speaking Romulan, but thanks to technology it all sounds English.

If this is true, why the gently caress do we ever hear Klingons speaking Klingson?

They come on board and they are like "Ha you! Picard! I will believe you are weak and pathetic like a human but then you will prove yourself worthy of respect before the end of the episode!" but then when he has won their respect they are like "K'Plah!" or whatever.

Has this ever been explained because I literally only realised the other day how loving stupid this is.

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