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 Hail tongmu! Welcome to the Democratic Choices of Coerced Sunshine Forum Decisions! Seeing such a deluge of terrible American imperialist dog trash here has led the Shining Star of our ageless country, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un to establish formal ties to Pig scum Lowtax and his Something Awful, and bring you all to the Heart Full Embrace of Mother Happy Korea!  Much like glorious Dear President, one must start low and aim high to the stars! For now, we must begin with Beloved Birth of Western Hating Child of Mountain Song!  You are a… A. Boy B. Girl C. Please note that DPRK gloriously accepts only boys and girls for the future of the country. If you take exception to this, please report immediately to training camp 36 for reeducation.  Oh bright child! Look at Your Magnificent Kimchi Youth and Marvel! D. A newborn babe! E. A young child. F. A growing adolescent, a striking image of a good Kim I might add! G. A healthy adult (20-24). H. Senior Citizen (25-34). Also tongmu, we need a Name! We Earnestly Await your Participation in the Downfall of American Imperialism! Obviously a star citizen of Glorious and Eternal DPRK must also have dreams! What is your own?  Translation: Let's develop Pyongyang, the capital city of revolution, into a world-class city.
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Apr 4, 2015 00:45
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I think the majority of you all know how this goes! Obviously this setting can get close to some… Serious poo poo, but should this ever get to that point, don’t be that goon, okay? Perfect! If you want to, feel free to join us on irc #madgod on synirc.net. The channel tends to always have some people in it and is especially active when updates go up. If you do not know what IRC is, here is a web based chat version which will not require you to register or download anything: http://chat.mibbit.com/ Koeraikus A Darker Porpoise posted:We will drop the bomb. Dammerung posted:With our rocket's strength Wonderful Poems that warm the Sunshine Reliant Korean Soul! Ramba Ral posted:All soldiers are equal under Kim Il-Sung Outrail posted:Rockets of Dear Leader pierce the sky Outrail posted:Sir! You said the rockets would have more range if they were full. Can we requisition more fuel? Dammerung posted:We have the might to foil the angry sea, Outrail posted:We are Missiles! HiHo ChiRho fucked around with this message at 04:33 on Apr 12, 2015 |
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Apr 4, 2015 00:46
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Dammerung posted:1 A Arduous March, Juche 82, 1993  Well tongmu, it's best to start from the beginning: It was known that your family was.. non-traditional to say the least. Your father was actually a German expatriate who swore allegiance to the True Empire Republic over two decades ago. Wholeheartedly into the Juche, he married a true Korean girl and has performed valiantly in many films, playing evil American villains in War Dramas to Unite the Korean People! He even played an evil American general that was also a VAMPIRE! WOAH that scared you half to death when you first saw it! While you may sometimes get picked on in school for looking a bit different, your father is VERY famous and some of that goodwill has rubbed off on you! Well, except for your name Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff. I guess your Papa was feeling a bit nostalgic at your birth? Most Korean people choose to just call you Wolf, not only because it is easier to pronounce, but the fact that in English it means a wild dog, and while you are not American, everyone has seen your father play them and some of that also rubbed off on you. While family is important in Guiding Light True Korea, one must make their own mark on the country! You are 15 years old of age, a true miracle of North Korean industry! Of Late there has been many news stories involving Dear Presidents ultimate toil in the Korean War for Independence from Rat Japanese. There is good reason for that: With the downfall of Russkie Brethren Commies, we have not gotten goodwill tributes as of late. The droughts have affected some of our food supplies, but have no fear! We must recall Kim Il Sung's konanŭi haenggun and tighten up our britches and keep heads up high! This will just be a minor dip in Glorious Korea's meteoric rise as the sole Superpower in the world! Perhaps you may, in your career(s), find a way to solve the hunger of some? I do forget though, what secondary school did you participate in? A. Regular school B. Music school! C. Art School! D. Foreign Language School! You are nearing the age of Magical Adulthood, and must decide on what to do - aside from the compulsory participation in the Wonderous Korean People's Army, of course! What do you wish to do first? Please fill out this form: E. The sun will always give off its light even though rats make nonsensical remarks moving around ditch, while finding it hard to raise their heads to the bright human world.” Join the KPA! (I'll have to do it eventually anyway!) F. Wolf-o goes to college! G. I want to work in Fanatical Factories! H. Country Livin' is the life for me! Let us Feed the people through manual toil and praise! I. I wish to get into Politics. Juche for life! J. I want to run my own store! I don't have any money for it, but my uncle works for one as a manager, and he can get me in as a stock boy. Ground floor! HiHo ChiRho fucked around with this message at 00:22 on Apr 5, 2015 |
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Apr 4, 2015 14:46
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 Ten Principles for the Establishment of a Monolithic Ideological System
Growing up in South Pyongan Province, you were always fascinated with the election processes and the healthy discussions that always went on in the local commissions. One time, you even saw the proceedings of the Supreme People's Assembly! How glorious! You are probably wondering how you saw that, didn't you? It's quite simple: You were invited, by General Secretary Kim Jong-Il himself to perform a historic Korean song in front of the ENTIRE ASSEMBLY!  You and the the rest of your classmates from Lair of Magical Dreams To Fulfill Juche Superiority Primary School of course. They even recorded it for posterity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WJpk3gbuwE Of course, when you were of 16, you walked up to a member of the local party commission to inquire about joining the party and getting into politics. A friend of your mother, Rim Il Song, is nearly ancient at 63 years of age! A veteran of the Great War, he has only one eye, but that certainly doesn't stop the two on the back of his head, especially when you got mischievous as a kid (how did he know?!). "Young Wolf! where is the rest of the pack today?" "They are out doing a collection drive for our proud warriors again, Seonsaeng-nim. I have questions for you in particular before I go back to join them." "So formal today! What would you ask of an old man?" "I wish to join the Party and continue to enrich our people's lives with Juche Rim-ssi. Can I apply now?" "Ho-Ho! Trying to Carve the peg without studying the hole, aren't we? You must remember your studies also mentioned you have to be at least 18 to join, no? Even still one must make marks on the world to do so, for the list of applicants is long indeed.." "Wonders of Juche! How could I forget?!" "Well my young pup, it appears you have a few years before you speak to me again - let me get you something to do in the meantime, something that helps you make that kind of mark. See, our quotas for warriors has been upped due to Songun, would you mind picking one off of the list here...?" Bravo Dear Readers! We have decided upon leading the masses through the guiding light of the Eternal President, Kim Il-Sung. Young Wolf knows, however, that one cannot obtain a position within a party until age 18, so he plans ahead by reading the seminal NK Best Seller On the Juche Idea and keeping correspondence up with the local commissions while going ahead with the joining the KPA!  Let's help a Rim out! What service do you wish to join? A. People's Ground Force B. People's Navy C. People's Air Force and Air Defence Forces D. People's Strategic Rocket Forces Schooling Bonus! By choosing music school, young Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff has become a prodigy when it comes to music! If a song accompanies a vote glorifying North Korea or it's esteemed leaders, the vote counts extra than a letter choice on its own. If art of another sort (poem, drawing) is added, and it ASTOUNDS the Supreme Assembly (me), it counts extra as well.
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Apr 5, 2015 01:09
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Dammerung posted:(Are haikus acceptable?) Only if we call them Koreaikus - No love for the Japanese swine!
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Apr 5, 2015 01:30
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Ramba Ral posted:a 
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Apr 5, 2015 03:37
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Looks like Wolf is leaning towards becoming a Rocketman, but I'll leave it open a bit longer since it could go either way still.
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Apr 6, 2015 21:18
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Musudan-ri, August Juche 82, 1993 It has been nearly two months since that momentous day, tongmu! You gladly took the pen and signs your (full) name and hitch up with the People's Strategic Rocket Forces. You turned to Rim Il Song and belted out a perfect poem for the situation: Outrail posted:Rockets of Dear Leader pierce the sky How delightful! Il Song-ssi looked to have a tear in his eye as you were promptly whisked away to what is common among all newcomers to any military force: Boot Camp. You made the most of the 5 weeks of basic training: marching, drilling, marching, fire excercises, martial arts, marching.  Let's be honest, you marched nearly all the time! Given your upbringing, you were a little bit slower than the rest of the recruits, but about midway it finally "clicked". You weren't the greatest by the end, but you were certainly not the worst. The worst ones got sent off to what your instructors called a "tough love" boot camp. You often wondered what that meant, since the trucks went the same direction that a labor camp was located. Hmm - odd, that. While you were mocked incessantly for offering to start a musical group, the group eventually came to respect you once you started thinking up Patriotic (and, when the instructors weren't around, some bawdy) drill songs! In the end, though, all good things must come to an end. You got moved to the SRF, to get more advanced training in rocketry and the ancient art of shooting projectiles at your enemy. You were dismayed that much at the start wasn't practical experience. the SRF expects it's forces to understand the rockets and their launch systems WELL before they let some wet behind the ear kid near the buttons. You spent several months in classrooms understanding those very topics. Also, more marching.  It was at this time you became friends with various members of your squad. Your best friend is, of course, Oon Dae Geon. You two were in the same boot camp together, and clung together like rats aboard a ship in a violent storm. Dae Geon is of course a true believer, but while his studying of Juche is below average the man has his way with women. Many of times you wistfully sigh as Dae Geon sneaks off into the girls dorm to "get to know them better". Ye Seung Nam should have been promoted many, many times before, but he turned them down so often his superiors just stopped trying! He is older, proud of the position he is in and seems pretty content in his lot in life. A true laborer in the Land of Soon-to-be Unified Korea! That's quite enough of what has happened, though. It's time to talk about today! Yes it does involve marching, but a short one, and it leads up to this beauty:  Your trainer for today, Chungwi Hwan Hae Hyo has apparently decided that you and Dae Geon are ready for practical experience! You see the Chungwi going over maps with the driver, and you are happy to note that it is Seung Nam that is ferrying you today. Of the vehicle itself you know to be derived from a Russian TEL that carries Scud-B missiles. Since the SRF has the newer Scud-C missiles primed for defense of the Motherland, it seems reasonable that you would get practical experience on the dwindling stock of inferior missiles. That's not to say the range is nothing to sniff at, but EVERYONE wants the latest toys, and ballistic missiles are just larger toys that destroy your enemies! With gratuitous honorifics and some pre-mission briefing, the four of you head off towards the coast on the east.  You finally reach your destination, a ridge overlooking the nearby fishing village and of course your "range". This spot was chosen to not only provide a perfect view of the arc of the missiles, but as a little "show" for the village people. You already see some gathering to watch (at a safe distance, of course). Chungwi notes "Tongmu! The range of these particular missiles are worse that normal due to fuel rationing, so don't even bother to try to hit those rats in their holes." Hwan is, of course, talking about the intolerable Japanese. "Aside from that please keep clear of any foreign vessels in international waters, or even our own for that matter. If I get reamed to the wall for letting the son of Vampire Cowboy start WWIII I will swear to Dear Leader I will take you with me Wolf." Chungwi then hands you a pair of binoculars and a map while Dae Geon mans the launch panels. What do you do? Wanting to change it up a bit - Let's play Battleship, Dear Readers! For reference, we are roughly near the circle located here:   Feel free to ask questions, peek out with the binoculars,
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Apr 7, 2015 00:35
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Also, feel free to use Wikipedia/Google Earth. You grew up in the worlds best education system, so you should at least know what's in the Sea of Japan
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Apr 7, 2015 01:18
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Outrail posted:Cowards! Chungwi notices you nonchalantly yelling out coordinates, and takes the map to figure out what you meant as Dae Geon obediently starts rotating the rocket inland. Chungwi waves for him to stop, and turns to you: "The Wolf has a bit of a wit! You know this rocket can't even reach the DMZ from here, let alone Seoul! Quit playing around and fire out to the sea."
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Apr 7, 2015 01:37
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Outrail posted:Sir! You said the rockets would have more range if they were full. Can we requisition more fuel? "This is a training excercise! we need the fuel for defense of the motherland, not for Wolf pups to try and blow up cities!" RandomPauI posted:Doublepost, but what's the rockets maximum range? Roughly 300km. Seoul is over 400km away. You can also ask what you see based on your binocs in case you wanted to try and hit something in the ocean.
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Apr 7, 2015 01:59
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You see.... G5 - A South Korean cruise liner - Clearly within it's territorial waters from what you can see. H3 - North Korean Fisherman on his dinghy. Looks like he caught a big'un! L3 - Hard to tell, but it appears to be a small rocky island with tortoises basking on it. How cute! I2 - Russian trawler bringing in trade goods to our glorious paradise! I4 - Japanese whalers! Curses!
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Apr 7, 2015 02:12
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Outrail posted:Coward 
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Apr 7, 2015 02:15
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Shadeoses posted:Do the missiles actually have warheads? The Chungwi turns to you. "We got these as-is from the Leninists. Our scientists reversed engineered them to make them better, but you don't get to train with those. They have a 900 kg payload, did you not pay attention to class that day?" He chuckles to himself. "Normally we do fill them with concrete but I want a good firework show today. The people in the village want one too. So go on! Let's make a big kaboom!" RandomPauI posted:Is I4 in our water? It can be if you claim it for North Korea? Outside world would consider it international waters though. HiHo ChiRho fucked around with this message at 04:26 on Apr 7, 2015 |
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Apr 7, 2015 04:23
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Mesozoic It's moving, Francis thought. Francis gets terribly bored most days. Eating grass can just get monotonous. Sure, a predator comes by once in a while but Francis always beats them off. This, however, was exciting! Francis has lived near the coast for over 100 years and knew every step from his den to the ocean. A step count that has been slooooowly growing since then. At first Francis thought it was his gate, but he finally realized the truth: Part of the land was moving away from it's parent continent. A moving island, how novel! Most animals wouldn't live long enough to appreciate it, but tortoises live very long lives and can certainly appreciate the wonders of tectonic plates shifting! Huh? Oh yes, Francis is a tortoise.  A tortoise that decided to eschew boredom, uproot his den and his mate and move to a slowly moving piece of land moving away from the continent into the ocean. They mate, have many kids, and the generations of tortoises after Francis forever hate him once they realized that, while moving on a small piece of land is nice, and the lack of predators is always a plus, being cooped up on a small island together for, well, forever gets kind of rote as well. Francis was many things, but his ability to foresee issues could have been better Time passes. A lot of time passes  Willy wakes up to another boring day. Another boring day eating grass, another boring day getting rebuffed by the girls, blah blah blah. He only had fun 50 years ago when those wacky monkey with sticks came over and attacked each other! It was at least something different for once. Oh how he wished for that bloodshed once again! Willy, in a fit of rage and boredom screams out to the sky "This..SUCKS! Can't we get something going on here today?! Can't I get just one...tiny...miniscule spark of excitement in my life?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- You snap out of your daydream. Yup, that's the spot. They are probably also dirty capitalist tortoises anyway. You yell the coordinates to Dae Geon and the two of you work to make sure this rocket gets to it's destination. All I can do for the morning. We will see what you monsters unleashed later tonight.
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Apr 7, 2015 14:53
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Tortoise Isle Willy stands exasperated on the beach. I didn't expect it to actually work! His tail wags with glee! Something exciting IS happening today! There is a spot in the clear blue sky. Of importance is that it appears to be coming to Willy! Joy upon joys! Willy trudges back to the Den, where he happens upon his friends. Billy, lazily chomping on grass; Jilly, his crush; and Bob, who had to ruin the cute naming thing they all had going on. "GUYSGUYSGUYSGUESSWHAT" "H-hold up there Willy. What are you blabbering about?" Billy inquires. "SOMETHING IS COMING. I FREAKING SCREAMED OUT FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN AND IT WORKED" "Pshaw. Nothing ever happens here, Willy. Now calm down before you have a coronary". Willy takes a few deep breaths and explains what just occurred to him. Nobody obviously believed him at first, but the growing silver thing in the sky lended a sort of credence to the story. Even if they didn't think Willy willed it to appear, it certainly was there and they ought to do something about it. Jilly first says "Maybe it will be a new friend! We should throw a party with hats! I like hats." Jilly became the inventor of hats on the island when a piece of a coconut shell accidentally landed on her head about 15 years ago. She always had the best fashion sense. Billy was apprehensive, worried it was a predator. Their kind hasn't had one in a long time, but that fear ingrains in you after several millenia and paranoia is much tougher to get rid of. Billy wishes that Willy would send it back. Bob just meekly wonders if it is food, and if it tastes good. Willy just turns to them all and says "Fancy ideas, but we are but simple tortoises. Let us meet it simply on the beach with open arms and a smile. Truly the gods have blessed us". So Willy and friends trudge back to the beach to meet their new sky-friend. Jilly asks "What shall we call it? Trilly?" "Food?" "Salvation!" "Our doom" Billy gulps. The silver object is coming close now...oh! Willy didn't expect it to be that big! Oh. Oh, it's not slowing down. That's not g- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTCLUVHE7zk ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Even from so far away, you still see the fire and smoke from the direct contact on the island! Well, not really an island anymore, amiright?! As tortoise shells cascade down into the sea, Dae Geon runs up to give you a bear hug, screaming "We did it Wolf!" Chungwi nods to you, and with careful prodding even the village people give a small cheer to you, and a larger one for Dear Leader's awesome missiles, of course! The four of you tidy up and head back to base. You only feel mildly sad for the tortoise colony you so completely and utterly destroyed, you jerk! Time, as it always does, passes. Only a couple of weeks though, and it's time for you to keeping busy outside of more training and drills. What do you wish to do? A. Dae Geon want me to be his wingman tonight! Let's meet some ladies! I know there is a small risk to this. B. The missile I shot off was cool, but I want to make my own. I start heavy reading of chemistry and rocketry books. I know this is very difficult to do. C. Start schmoozing with the Officers, try and work up some brownie points to move from enlisted to officer! I know this is hard to do. D. Ye Seung Nam offered to help you continue training in Tae kwon do. He apparently is very good at it! E. Something else!
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Apr 8, 2015 04:27
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A - 1 B - 4 C - 3 D - 1 E - 1 What shall it be Dear Readers? Be a Rocket Man or a 20 star general?
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Apr 9, 2015 21:09
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sniper4625 posted:More people should vote C for maximum-medallage. January Juche 83 You had the nightmares again. The ones with the screaming and dying tortoises clawing back from the dead craters you made. Their impure curses throwing your entire being into disarray. The words themselves make no sense, but to try and say them out loud would traumatize you all over again. Laissez Faire Reaganomics Adam Smith was right Buy low sell high! You shudder again as you slowly get your bearings. Right. Same routine as always. Get up, cold shower, mess hall, start yelling at enlisted... Oh yes, you did con your way into officer school. It really was much easier when offers of meeting with Vamp dad and his son, the Defiler of Cappie Turtles made good rewards for the teachers at the school. You were whisked away not too long after your little campaign. Training to be an officer was uneventful to say the least, except for that racist Oh Dongman. Just because we didn't have a "true Korean father", even. Isn't Juche for everyone? Well, is it? Is Juche for all or for North Koreans only? Of course once you graduated and became a newly minted Chungwi, there is the good ol Reception. All new officers must attend, and its a great way to mingle with some superiors. Of course, tradition is that one bring a date. Do you get a date? A. Yes, I find a nice girl in town. B. Thankfully I was able to transfer my friends under my command. I have Dae Geon help me. C. Going stag here! I'll just find someone at the party D. Yes, I find a nice man in town. This is a lso a good way to get an express update in a labor camp. You now are an Lt. Fantastic glory for the bosom of Kim s children! Oh happy days! There is one open question: how do you wish to focus your career? You got about another two years before service ends E. I wanna lead on making rockets! F. I wanna lead on firing rockets! G. I wanna transfer to Army/Navy/Air Farce H. It'll be harder, but there is the spec. ops division too... I. Something else!
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Apr 10, 2015 11:14
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No update tonight but I didn't want to leave you with nutin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGVQ-VqmLKI Where has the Kim been all your life? Demilitarized fences, a novocaine for all the senses. Another war will pass us by. Making sense of nothing, in defense of something. John Wayne's too late, I dug traitors into a grave. This year I'll try not to think too much. This year I'll try to rely on myself. This year I'll live like I've never lived before, this is Nork's year for sure. Another stupid clumsy story. More accidental missile launches. Tortoise explosions of silence. I think I'm going deaf, or maybe I'm just hearing less. This year I'll try to only listen to Juche. This year I'll try not to think too much. This year I'll try to rely on myself. This year I'll live like I've never lived before, this is Dear Leader's year for sure. I wonder where you'll be bringing in the Nork year. As midnight clocks are singing, good chance I'll be bombing somewhere. Probably gas out, Juche'd, and hiding until the tortoise bits clears. Vague memories of midnight flash in tune to Red Dawn sunlight. Wake up knowing you'll never be there. I've got ten Scud resolutions, but I've got no solutions. I've got one koreaiku I write 100 times. And only a dozen or so rhymes. This year I'll try not to think so much. This year I'll try to stand up straight. This year let's live liked we've never lived before, this is Nork's year for sure.
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Apr 12, 2015 04:22
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Juche 83, 1994 It is early evening, and your friend Dae Geon has done you a solid by finding a nice girl to bring with you to Juche Prom, along with a friend of hers to keep himself company while you run amok with Officers. Your date, with the ominous name Chae Ha Rang, takes a liking to you! You may not have the looks of a proper Korean, but what's a little fun for one night? Plus, you are the son of a movie star, and a future hero in the making for the country! After some smaller chit chat and general banality, and marveling Ha Rangs beautiful outfit, you head on over to Prom. It is being held in what could possibly be one of the most palatial buildings you have been in outside of the capital. The space! The decor! Oh, marvel at the majesty that makes the North the Gem of the Modern World!  The rest of the night carries on as you expected. Traditional songs and dances were had, the punch, Jungle Juche, was flowing, and the people were all excited to meet you! Many introductions are had with various officers from across the armed forces. Many have marveled at how quickly you picked up life in the military, and you are noted for being a great decision maker and certainly desired across the branches, as each other group felt you were being wasted at being a glorified button pusher. You were having a great conversation with a remarkable Taejwa from Spec Ops when Oh Dongman runs up to the two of you, obviously inebriated. "You pig shwine! I excelled at everything in officer school! Top of the clash, shee! This was suppose to be my day, and you, you miguk nom ruined it all! You even kidnapped a poor girl to rape and defile with your sheed! You and your father should leave and never come back!" His tirade continues for a bit, but the first utterance caused the entire ballroom to hush completely. Even if you were in outer space with your rockets the silence wouldn't compare to the room right now. All eyes are on you. The man, also a Chungwi, called you out. What do you do? A. Petty name calling? I'll toss some back at him! B. Apologize and grovel before Oh Dongman. He is obviously right. C. Prove your juice has got the Juche! Belt out a patriotic song. D. C, but just as a distraction as you motion for guards to escort him out to sleep it off. E. Take it outside! Minor consequences would occur from this. F. Punch the fucker right now. Major consequences would occur from punching another officer in front of influential military officers. Once this is resolved, we will move to Spec ops... Looks like we want to infiltrate 'Merica!
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Apr 12, 2015 16:19
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Music on play during update: What do you think?  Ramba Ral posted:C Juche Prom 83, 1994 You know you can not let this fiend's transgressions and insults slide! You are a true Juche man, through and through! And who is to say it has to lie solely in the Korean race? Have you not demonstrated Self-Reliance? Have you not eschewed the evils of capitalism and the poison that wrecks the world? Unlike Oh Dongman, you cared solely for furthering the glory of DPRK and Dear Leader and his legacy, not your own. For this, Oh Dongman must pay! But not with childish acts of violence, of course. This is to be handled with a lighter, motherly touch. You resolve to fight your taunts with Patriotism! Song and Dance! Thankfully, due to your long early education with such studies, you find the lyrics to extol your heroic deeds fairly easily Wolf posted:B,H Lights in the room dim. Hey, where did that disco ball come from?  You feel the beat in your soul. 1, 2, 3 step. 1, 2, 3 step. Twirl, flourish, repeat. You slowly move around the room, your catchy tune and dance, inspiring some of the more...imbibed guests to sing along and slowly start dancing around. You suddenly feel surrounded by love and Juche! Well, mostly Juche. Also sweat. You continue your song, and almost everyone is getting into it! Wolf and Promgoers posted:Don't let them in, don't let them see Oh Dongman stumbles up to you, tears in his eyes. Everyone again stops to see what he says next. Dongman composes himself, looks you straight in the eyes and says: Oh Dongman posted:My rockets streak through the air into the ground Massive applause for the both of you! Oh Dongman doesn't hug you, but he does give you words in private when things die down. "I still don't like you Wolf, and I don't think I ever will. But no traitorous bastard could compose something so beautiful." Dongman salutes you respectfully, and stumbles off. Well, it's not perfect, but at least he kinda respects you now. Also, mostly due to your apt defusal of a tense situation two great things happen to you tonight! First off: You and Chae Ha Rang have been crowned Juche King and Queen! Congratulations!  Second, and most importantly, the Taejwa that was talking to you was very impressed. In fact, you suddenly get transferred under him! I guess he sees great things for you in special ops! May Juche 83, 1994 gently caress. That sucked. Never ever ever ever say that North Korean special forces are weak willed, EVER. You never worked out more in your life, never been tortured so much to that point, almost nothing compares to the pains and tears you unleashed in the months of training under the Taejwa. Wolfs training montage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbhZ6MhnhXY Except for now. A simple object lays before you.  "Taejwa." "Yes, Wolf?" "What the gently caress is this?" You pick it up. It smells like the weeds growing outside your barracks. "It is known as a ... hold on." Taejwa Seomun Tae Pyeong goes through his notes. "Ha...Haki Sak?" "The heck do they do with these things?" "They play with it like a soccer ball. You are supposed to keep on kicking it up into the air without letting it touch the ground, and without using your hands." "Wow. That is quite possibly one of the lamest things I ever heard." "You still need to learn how to play with it effectively Wolf." "Why, what's the point?" "Look Wolf, remember when we took the Cole? We captured sailors and everything? It was great and all, but we failed to perceive some of our captive's hand signals and wordings. They used obscene gestures in photos and called them good luck gestures. Euphemisms with their barbaric language to defile Dear Leader. The one thing we took from that is that never again will we be caught with our pants down like that. So for our troops that are to become sleeper units, we have them pore over the culture and blend right in. Look. You are trained to the best in martial arts. You can sing and dance like no other, and have learned enough English to either pass as a German exchange student easily, or an american with some difficulty. You have a chance to serve your country admirably. I know you want to get into politics. Do your job there, get back home, and you are a shoe in for getting tight with the Supreme Leader himself. You will do fine, just quit loving whining and put on the jacket." Seomun throws a wooly like thing at you. It itches and smells funny.  Taejwa puts on a CD to get you pumped up for the mission briefing, and to acclimate you to American pig music. It unnerves you slightly. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4_KKYKOKDQ You shift uneasily, pulling at the shirt also provided to you. What does this image even mean?!  You cool yourself, and properly ask your superior officer "Where am I to go?" A. Pig Capital NYC B. Wretched Urchin Slum Los Angeles C. Leprous San Francisco D. Bumblefuck Miami E. The Capital of Poverty, Washington D.C.
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Apr 13, 2015 21:17
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I follow the will of goons always. Berkeley wins hands down. Pick a college first, people!
HiHo ChiRho fucked around with this message at 00:31 on Apr 14, 2015 |
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Apr 13, 2015 23:57
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Dear Readers: We need a theme song for college. We can be anachronistic, but I would like the lurkers ONLY in the thread to pick out a song from 1994 to not only be influential in the next post, but to either make me endear you forever or constantly curse your name for picking such a song. 
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Apr 14, 2015 03:49
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May Juche 83, 1994Wolf posted:You cool yourself, and properly ask your superior officer "Where am I to go?" "California. You will be a foreign exchange student going to a university known as Berkeley. Given your aptitude in the military you are enrolled at the Engineering college there. Anything you study there is immensely useful, but fortune would favor you if you studied Nuclear engineering for the glory of your mother country. You will be given the german name of Wolf Blitzer, and don't worry about not knowing too much about German culture, they are dumb pigs and probably won't notice anyway. Now play your drat haki sak and start catching up on the detestable american culture." You kept mostly busy with your studies, but July was a somber period. President Kim Il Sung died, his son immediately taking command as Dear Leader. While his presidency will be forever Eternal, mourning must eventually end and duties are to return. Is there anything you wish to do before leaving?  Mourning songs are appropriate.August Juche 83, 1994 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esE-XvZicxE Fortunately your smuggling into the Pigsty of a country went fairly well enough. Your handlers were worried about being late, so your travel started several weeks earlier than noted. What this does mean for you is that you have a few weeks to kill before classes start. For the first time in, well, ever, you do not have someone watching your every move. You have...freedom? How odd. You were able to move into campus early so you have room and minimal board. You will get a small stipend every month from your handlers, but you may want to get a part time job either on or off campus to make some "dough" as the fat american pigs call it. You made some small introductions with other early students, but don't know many quite well. What do you wish to do? A. Hit the library! Get cracking on my edumacation! B. Find a job, ya bum! C. Just go and explore Berkeley. What else is there to offer around here? D. Some of the other students mentioned going to something in the ... desert? Sounds odd, but I would like to get a closer look at the culture I'm to emulate, and tagging along with a bunch of students seems like a sure bet! E. Something else. HiHo ChiRho fucked around with this message at 01:53 on Apr 16, 2015 |
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Apr 16, 2015 01:50
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LowellDND posted:Take lots of pictures for intel back home  Blatant homosexuality as sport  Degrading phone sex line advertisements  Hard working dwarves forced to amuse children for pennies a day
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Apr 16, 2015 12:28
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Ramba Ral posted:Indeed, but for the big thing to do before leaving is actually to mourn the death of Kim Il-Sung, ripping your clothes apart in anguish as you cry out how many times he has faithfully served the Korean people and how open his heart was to all of our plights and inspire the others in the crowd to do the same as they are all truly heart broken like you. You must convince your best friend Dae Geon to go to Pyongyang and visit the open casket of Kim Il-Sung to say farewell to the Great Liberator forever affirming your eternal devotion to the Great Juche Ideal. Your avatar and post combos are always perfect for this thread
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Apr 16, 2015 17:29
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maybe an update this weekend. Time will tell
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Apr 18, 2015 21:34
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sniper4625 posted:Can I just eternally second these? After consultation with the DPRK and the FBI sequentially, yes.
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Apr 19, 2015 00:11
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July Juche 83Ramba Ral posted:Indeed, but for the big thing to do before leaving is actually to mourn the death of Kim Il-Sung, ripping your clothes apart in anguish as you cry out how many times he has faithfully served the Korean people and how open his heart was to all of our plights and inspire the others in the crowd to do the same as they are all truly heart broken like you. You must convince your best friend Dae Geon to go to Pyongyang and visit the open casket of Kim Il-Sung to say farewell to the Great Liberator forever affirming your eternal devotion to the Great Juche Ideal. It is truly a somber day in the capitol. Nearly the entire country is here to honor the Dear Leader. Dae Geon travels with you, as this does offer a respite from the harsh training you two have put up with over the past several months. Mourners line the streets, pounding the pavement and wailing in anguish at the loss of a bright star way too soon.  But you are a true soldier of the finest military in the world! One must keep their composure, at least until you make it to the open casket.  It's odd, isn't it? You never met the man once in your life, but Dear Leader has been with you none the less. The man, who seemed big in real life, still reads as imposing even though his last breath escaped him. He was the other father figure in your life, ensuring you lived life to the Juchest and never to falter in your ideals. Your tears betray your stoic facade, and you scream out for your fallen father, he who led the nation from the clutches of the despicable Japanese and defended against the bitch dog Americans. And yes, you tore your dress shirt in anguish as you did it.  Of course, your time was limited and afterwards you did scurry back to base to prepare getting shipped off to the States for your first day of College. August Juche 83 It is sweltering in the small dorm room the University has put you in. For the moment, you have it all to yourself, as class does not start for a few weeks anyway. One does not waste time to prepare though, and you have tastefully put out socialist and juche artwork and pamphlets in your room and common area to try and convert some students for your cause. The campus however is mostly empty, but you did meet a few other students from abroad that are also early boarders like yourself. You have finished putting away your laundry mostly consisting of t-shirts with various Looney Tunes characters in charming outfits when you hear a knock at the door. It turns out to be one of the kids down the hall, Hunter Robinson. You know he is from the United Kingdom, is heavily into the music scene around Berkeley, and always smells of herbs whenever you see him.  "Wolf! Sup dude?!" "Oh. Uh, hi ...'dude'. How are you today?" "I just finished getting blazed, and was just about to chill out for a while and I heard about this dank party going on out in the desert! You've been basically chillin' around the dorm for the past week or so leaving weird readings around, and I've got an extra spot in the van if you want to come out with me, man!" "Oh, uh I-I don't know.." Is he a firefighter? You have no idea what any of this slang means - so much for keeping up with the culture! "Don't be a square, dude! We will be back before classes start." You hesitantly agree. After all, you need to start making relationships with other students to maintain your undercover identity. While this doesn't pertain to schooling, you hope that a road trip with western students should quickly bring you up to speed on the expectations of American pigdog society. "Boo Ya Dude! Here's the thing - I know you are good with designing stuff, and the whole concept of this event is that we basically recreate a society in a desert for a week. We can make/build pretty much anything and show off creativity just for the sake of it. What do we want to build and bring to Burning Man?"
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Apr 20, 2015 23:14
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I will accept any drawings of these ideas as well
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Apr 21, 2015 01:34
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Why does he stare back at you angrily WHY IS HE STILL ANGRY
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Apr 21, 2015 04:11
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Nyaa posted:[Insert Ronald Reagan joke] E: to further clarify my point: 
HiHo ChiRho fucked around with this message at 04:43 on Apr 21, 2015 |
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Apr 21, 2015 04:37
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ArbitraryTA posted:Everybody raise your hands in the air and give your life force so the spirit of Dear Leader can finish the update. I will not let this thread die before bestowing Reagan blowing himself upon a bunch of hippies. School eases up after this week, expect something next week.
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Apr 29, 2015 23:20
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July Juche 83 You are struck with inspiration. What better way to embrace the wanton pig dog youth of America with the desecration of their President Messiah, Reagan? "Hunter, I know what to make. We will need plenty of wood to make it and fireworks to send it off properly." "Sweet dude! I'll make some calls right now. What are we going to build?" "I need to flesh it out first, before I lose my train of thought." Hunter uses the phone in your common area to call up some friends to get the supplies. You take out a pen and paper and start sketching out your plan. Your drawing skills, while not top tier artist level, helps you build out your idea. The self loving actor turned president, why not have him sucking his own penis? Truly your font of Juche knowledge helps you make a crude sketch filled with biting political satire. Dear leader would be pleased! Wiping the sweat off your brow you look down at your creation:  Perfection! "Uh, Wolf? The hell is that?" It would appear that Hunter is back, and now staring over your shoulder. "Oh. Uhm, it's what we are going to build at the Burning man." Hunter just stares a bit longer before responding. "...A dude blowing himself?" "Well in a sense yes. I'm terrible with faces, but it's supposed to be President Reagan. I thought about making a political statement on the self love of Americans and their capitalist way by personifying it with Reagan giving himself a blowjob. As you can see I decided to make his penis a firework to -" "Well to be honest man, I don't really care too much about political stuff, but this is pretty loving unreal and blowing things up I will never say no to. So uh, keep plugging away at your blowjob Reagan dude." You see Hunter pull out a joint and starts walking over to your bathroom to go smoke it. "Want a hit man? It'll help you think of some even crazier ideas!" He turns to your sketch and adds "not that yours aren't crazy enough." He gives you a slight nod to follow him. Do you toke up? Yes/No
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May 4, 2015 17:26
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Slightly Lions posted:Agreed All you have done stateside is become the odd german student that doesn't say much and leaves socialist pamphlets around the dorm room.
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May 5, 2015 01:12
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Woaaaah man. Like, you've definitely smoke up before but This. Is. The poo poo  This is not the pot you and your friends plucked from the side of the road in "Germany". It's like that weed filled up with JUCHE, straight from the bosom of Dear Leader, from across the cosmos to fend off capitalism in its basest form and Oh what were we even talk about now? Wait, are we in a van? Why is Hunter driving? Oh. Right that burning Americans thing. So there's this cute blonde in the front seat that you find out is named Heather (and whom told you that four times already) Seems like Hunter is keen on her... buuuuut Do you hit on her? Also in the van towards the back on top of what will be Reagan's explosive dick is Blake, a friend of Hunter's and another artist. He apparently likes to dabble in chemistry and fire, and is the one to thank for all the dicks. He seems attentive to you and what you are saying in your pot stupor. would you like to spread the good word of Juche to Blake? If so, what? If not, what?
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May 7, 2015 23:33
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You compose yourself! You are a Korean man with a girl at home, you have no need for dirty American whores! Well, any more than you have to anyway. You still strike up a conversation since it is a seven hour car ride in a van with no air conditioning. A sappy love song is playing on the radio. Hunter is laying it on deep to Heather, while you strike up a conversation with Blake: "So, what the hell are we doing?" -"Well you see..." Nyaa posted:
"Um, what?" Nyaa posted:
"Hunter, what the hell did you give this kid?" "Relax dude, this will be the bomb, if you know what I mean." "I really don't, what's this have to do with the theme at all? It just sounds like some weird socialist poo poo to me" You decide to butt back in, delivering in perfect cadence and well practice that, no this is not socialism but the product of the individual and self reliance that every American should strive to do. Your practice back home and your innate acting skills seems to hold Blake back and even convince him that such a display is a great method of American ingenuity: By denigrating American icons, you strengthen America! The topics turn to banality: "So what's your favorite animal, Wolf?" "Tortoises, of course." "Why is that?" "Their screaming. It's so adorable!" Silence reigns for the rest of the car ride.  Burning Man posted:Behind you is your camp, a Rube Goldberg mix of vans, tents, and RVs arrayed in a great circle. Scattered across the plain you see other artifacts less easily explained: a giant fiberglass dog head, an enormous, vaguely phallic mud tower. One of your friends has a radio tuned to a local pirate station; like the daily newspaper folded in your pocket, it will exist only for a few short days and then disappear, like some exotic desert mushroom. You press an icy bottle to your forehead, savoring the cold, and look up. There above you, tall as a four story building, stands the strangely graceful figure known as the Burning Man. Heather and Hunter decide to explore the camp on their own, offering you to come along. Blake, a dabbling carpenter, decides to help you out by building the frame for the Reagan abomination. You can start working on the pyrotechnics now, but you still have several days, so there is no pressure on time to get it ready just yet. What do you do? A. I start building the Reagan cock rocket, of course! B. I spend my time spreading the good word of Juche! C. I spend my time exploring the camp! Maybe I can find some better weed. D. I want to explore the desert! E. Something else! Exclamation point! HiHo ChiRho fucked around with this message at 04:22 on May 9, 2015 |
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May 9, 2015 03:54
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Juche.... uh what? Well now. You spent the better part of the first day exploring the camp, meeting a whole bunch of oddball people who, let's be honest, you don't remember their names.   http://i.imgur.com/4q0bkcQ.jpgThey were interesting characters though. The old man with the banana hammock did get you something called peyote that you are going to try tomorrow morning. In all, you hunker back down to base camp, work on Reagan's cockrocket with the help of Blake. All in all, you guys should be good to go with a day or so more of work on project. Even now people stroll by in the night to admire your soon to be shining beacon for Juche! The morning after, with things pretty much settled at camp and coupled with a few canteens of water and some snacks, you munch on your peyote in search of your spirit quest, or so the Pig Dogs say.
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May 13, 2015 01:39
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1oaXqBJRRQ     
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May 13, 2015 01:39
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 16:38 |
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Juche ????? WOLF THIS IS DEAR LEADER HAVE YOU FORSAKEN YOUR JUCHE DUTY? The Eternal President lives, if only in your tripping out brain! You prostate yourself greatly before Kim Il-Sung and his dancing, grimacing flaming skulls. REUNIFICATION IS NEARLY AT HAND AND YET YOU GOBBLE CACTI TO SEARCH FOR YOURSELF IN THE BASTION OF HELL THAT IS AMERICA? You plead that it is an undercover operation to turn America's youth against their capitalist overlords. You describe in painstaking, and obscene detail of Reagan's self fellatio. WHILE IT IS NOT PROPER KOREAN WAY, I APPLAUD YOUR INITIATIVE AND...CREATIVITY BUT With this utterance, a cactus suddenly bursts into flames! YOU MUST PREPARE THE WAY PREPARE IT BY GAINING NUCLEAR SECRETS PREPARE IT BY STARTING A NORTH KOREAN CELL PREPARE IT BY UNDERMINING THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT FROM WITHIN ANY OR ALL OF THESE METHODS WILL PLEASE YOUR DEAR LEADER... UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME OTHER THOUGHTS? How will you please your Eternal President? A. Steal nuke info. B. Steal a nuke! C. Start a terrorist cell promoting North Korean interests! D. Infiltrate the 'Merican government! E. Something else!
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May 13, 2015 02:10
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