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surc
Aug 17, 2004

elphiemcdork posted:

I guess it's true to say some people prefer a specific set of genitals but having been on the partner-side for 12 years, you learn that it's the person you become attracted to, not their gender or whatever happens to be going on between their legs. I would say that if anyone becomes attracted to a trans person and then finds out that their genitals were not what they were expecting, perhaps the person needs to think about their priorities. If they can't get over the fact their boyfriend has a vagina then, well, that's their loss I guess..

Right? I mean, as a cis man in a relationship with a woman, if a man can't get over the fact that their boyfriend has the physical characteristics of a woman, perhaps the person needs to think about their priorities. :rolleyes:

(You're insulting people for being different than you by implying that their decisions are lesser, in a post discussing people who have problems for being different from other people. Obviously the context is totally different, but the inherent mindset is still in use. If they're not taking violent/derogatory action towards trans people as their response, their choices are just as valid. You've softened the tone to make it seem like "they're not really bad, just so mistaken...." but it's still the same mindset. Don't be an rear end in a top hat.)


I deleted the rest of your post from my quote because yes I understand that it impacts what I'm responding to due to the context and fear of violence that is a real threat, I don't disagree with your overall point, and think that is important for people to realize is a real consideration and not dismiss. That type of violence is so insanely sickening. I didn't want to get it mixed up with what I was taking issue with, which is:
A lot of times people defend people suffering from a symptom of bigotry --in this case, transphobia-- while actively participating in the mindset of bigotry. I mean, you can do that, but at that point you're perpetuating the problem of the mindset, effectively trying to take up the mantle of 'the oppressor' to escape being 'the oppressed'. Which makes you into an rear end in a top hat.

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surc
Aug 17, 2004

elphiemcdork posted:

I'm a biiiit confused about what point you're making but I'll try and work it out...

Firstly, the supposed boyfriend won't have the physical characteristics of a woman. Because they're your BOYfriend. But they might have a vagina. And possibly some boobs too, who knows. But if you suggest to your boyfriend that they have the physical characteristics of a woman they may not stay your boyfriend for much longer.

I think you're saying that the decision of someone not to date someone when they find out they're trans is a valid choice. It is, of course, people stop being in relationships for a multitude of reasons. But I think it's very difficult to put a hard and fast rule on it. "If I was dating a woman and I found out she was trans I would stop dating her" is a very cut and dry thing to say. There are so many variables in play. I go from my own experiences - I'm a gay woman, and I'm married to a trans man. I am not straight, I am not attracted to "men" in general but my partner was presenting as female when we got together and when he came out as trans I decided I still wanted to be with him. As has been pointed out a couple of times in the thread already, there are situations where that would be a very dangerous thing to do (and I'm massively lucky that I'm not in that situation) but knowing if you'd want to be with a trans person is 100% depending on their relationship. To rule out *ever* being with a trans person because they might have different genitals than you expect is quite simplistic - I'm not saying that's the argument you were making, but it's the argument many people do make.

The threat of losing a relationship and the pressure of having to "come out" to a potential partner (and not know what their reaction might be) is a very big reason a lot of trans people find partners on the internet where it's a safer place.

My point is that you were referring to other people's choices as less valid than yours (which you almost didn't even imply, just straight up said), because they are made for reasons you would not make them. You are making posts which are basically in defense of people being judged as having made less valid choices because they are made for reasons other people would not make/do not understand. In short, my point was that you, personally, were being a hypocrite and an rear end in a top hat while making these posts. It doesn't actually have anything to do with your points about trans culture, I largely agree, and totally understand that the situation is different when you're an rear end in a top hat vs when somebody is physically assaulted, or feels the threat of feeling physical assault. I'm just saying, don't be a hypocrite, don't be an rear end in a top hat.

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