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Lucky Guy
Jan 24, 2013

TY for no bm

did anyone do the word jumble on the back of the box? what did yours say? because mine listed the date, time, place, and means of my death.

at least all that fiber is healthy for me; apparently i'm going to die during the third coming of christ in 2089, and not from heart disease!

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EngineerSean
Feb 9, 2004

by zen death robot
its never heart disease or bowel cancer with cheerios and ancient grains

CrashCat
Jan 10, 2003

another shit post


Questions? Comments? Eldritch horrors? Please have your unused portion ready when you call 1-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800-800

Frog Act
Feb 10, 2012
Probation
Can't post for 2 hours!
something about the color of this box is exciting the deepest recesses of my brain

thathonkey
Jul 17, 2012
also i woke up with a huge branding of some strange rune glyphs that i dont recognize across my entire back

Darf
Jun 6, 2011

You have quite a treasure there...
a large, black tentacle appeared in my kitchen sink this morning. please advise

Portals
Apr 18, 2012

as promised on the outside of the box, there is a small children's book inside. it is about animals. as I flip through, the illustrations of farmyard animals gain additional appendages and begin to speak. the words they say are in no language that I recognize. I close the book. a dog is sitting in front of me, uttering strange syllables as pus pours from its seven eyes staining the carpet a greenish-yellow. so much for my security deposit, I think to myself

Frog Act
Feb 10, 2012
Probation
Can't post for 2 hours!
the other natural philosophers at winsimore could never know the spectacle Hartnett had seen upon applying the micro-scope to the outer layer of the ancient grain....

Missing Name
Jan 5, 2013


25 April 2015

Now the cheerios growl if I eat anything besides ancient grains. The cereal has proceeded to cannibalize the multigrain, apple cinnamon and honey nut varieties. I heard the screams last night.

I think if I use soymilk, these things will die. I will test this out shortly. God grant me strength.

Riot Bimbo
Dec 28, 2006


The hoops of ancient grains began to twist and morph in their milky cereal sea, becoming unbound and forming new shapes, some of which I struggled to comprehend. One hoop was causing a sort of disorienting terror with the shapes it was making, but the rest of the hoops seemed to swim and move as they morphed into more comprehensible shapes. A sentence began to form as I set my spoon and disturbed the milky ocean of terror. "stop eating us". I could barely parse the words as my mouth enveloped the spoon and my teeth came crashing down on them. I lifted the bowl up and began to pour their bovine lagoon down my throat. The tiny screams of the sentient grains were nearly lost to the painful sharp tones bursting in my ears and the blood running down my neck.

Chonchon
Dec 16, 2013

The grains are gathered

The stage is set

I will utter the forgotten names

A̵m͚͡a͖͎͞r̩̗͙͍̹a̹̭͍̦n͉͚͙̪̬̹̲t̳̼̬̯͔͚͉ḩ̗̰͙̹̹̟.̭͎̙͝.̶̼̦͎̼̠. ̷̣͙̫̩̦ͅB͙̱̯̟̩̪͠u̹͇̭ḷg̰̯͎̻ͅͅu͉̱̲͓̭r̛̞.̤͎͍̟̘͔͇.͕̬̬̲̖̙ͅ.̛̘̙ Ś̺͙̜̲p̻̖̯͚ȩ̺͓̬̞l͚̠̱̪̮͔t҉͖͎̭̫̮ͅ.̯̥̦̖̜̜͜.̮̥͡.̖̙̫̤̳̱ͅ ̣Qu̧i͈͖͙̰̣̹̪n̺̫͇̙o̮̥̫̳̙̞a͎͚͙͕̼̘͞.̲̫̹͔̮.̮͈̥̙̰͕̀. ̬K̡͙͚̫͙̻̗am̫̫͓̕ut̻͕̳̙͢.̞̹̤̲ͅ.̦̰̺̩͉̦.̛̳̯̳͉ ̻̬̻̼Ṱ̷e̼̼̱̯̣ͅf͈̗̖f̺̙.̶̳̯̹.̣̙̣ͅ.̛̞̟̺ ̹̻̘͇B̳͍͓͓͓͕̠á͕̪̟̘͔̦r͍͘l̦͓̖é͈̤͓ý͇̰͕.̶̘.̼̰̙̥̰.̵͕͔͓̱̼̪̤


The 7 Ą̮r̀ę̠̻͕͙ͅ Ḥ̵̥̹̖e͙̦̙̤̗̹r̵̴̶̻͉̳̝̖̥̩̺ę͎̘̬͡

Missing Name
Jan 5, 2013


oh god the soy milk made it angry. please send help

Facebook Aunt
Oct 4, 2008

wiggle wiggle




Missing Name posted:

oh god the soy milk made it angry. please send help

You caused the earthquake, didn't you?

Segata Sanshiro
Sep 10, 2011

we can live for nothing
baby i don't care

lose me like the ocean
feel the motion

:coolfish:

Angela Christine posted:

You caused the earthquake, didn't you?


you think the ANCIENT GRAINS can't do better than a puny 7.9? when cali falls into the sea to be reclaimed by fishpeople then we'll talk

Shinjobi
Jul 10, 2008


Gravy Boat 2k
I like my cheerios with banana slices

CrashCat
Jan 10, 2003

another shit post


Shinjobi posted:

I like my cheerios with banana slices
those aren't bananas

vaguely
Apr 29, 2013

hot_squirting_honey.gif

Please disregard my last post. I was wrong. The ancient grains are in fact very good for pigeons, much better than for humans, and I think you all should feed them to birds right away. Thank you for your attention, and I hope you find this post informative.

Wanamingo
Feb 22, 2008

by FactsAreUseless
Well this is weird. I poured out a bowl full of the things, and just for a split second it looked like a pile of razor blades came out of the box. Almost as soon as I noticed it I realized they were actually just regular cheerios, though.

I'm eating them now, and they seem pretty much normal but for some reason they're cutting up my mouth real bad. It hurts, but I'm sure it's just my imagination.

never seen again
Jan 25, 2008
Heh, one more reason why Honey Nut is superior.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
The terrible secret behind these ancient grains will drive you INSANE!

1 weird cereal that will bring you to question everything you once held true.

7 ancient grains that will unmake the world (and why they're part of a complete breakfast).

toggle
Nov 7, 2005

the grains. the grains will tear us apart, again

EngineerSean
Feb 9, 2004

by zen death robot

Wanamingo posted:

Well this is weird. I poured out a bowl full of the things, and just for a split second it looked like a pile of razor blades came out of the box. Almost as soon as I noticed it I realized they were actually just regular cheerios, though.

I'm eating them now, and they seem pretty much normal but for some reason they're cutting up my mouth real bad. It hurts, but I'm sure it's just my imagination.

Are you sure its not Captain Crunch (the Ancient Mariner)?

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Since purchasing Cheerios w/ ancient grains, have noticed significant increase in number of stinging black flies in my kitchen.

And by "significant increase" I mean "can no longer see the walls or ceiling because they are completely obscured by a writhing mass of tiny insects."

Frog Act
Feb 10, 2012
Probation
Can't post for 2 hours!
when i close my eyes, the box sings a beautiful sumerian lullaby in dulcet tones. i dream endlessly now, of flowing rivers and dead harvests.

CrashCat
Jan 10, 2003

another shit post


vaguely posted:

Please disregard my last post. I was wrong. The ancient grains are in fact very good for pigeons, much better than for humans, and I think you all should feed them to birds right away. Thank you for your attention, and I hope you find this post informative.
ban this pigeon before it is everlastingly too late

EngineerSean
Feb 9, 2004

by zen death robot

CrashCat posted:

ban this pigeon before it is everlastingly too late

Please post your address and General Mills will take care of your disgusting aversion to Cereal Pigeons.

Slapdash
Mar 30, 2010
Someone please tell me who the Neva'liim are and why did they choose my family? My wife no longer takes human shape and daughter keeps telling me in a gravelly baritone that I am next. The good news is I'm staying full straight through morning until lunch. And so much energy!

Watrick
Mar 15, 2007

C:enter:###
I tired these things and they hurt to eat, also they taste a lot like blood. I don't get why you people eat this poo poo. Anyway, I threw the leftovers down the well in the backyard. Now the grass is all dead, the trees are dying, our water quality is disgusting, and the local fauna have started to mutate. I think the local ravers have taking a liking to the area because there is a goddamn light show every night in our back yard. I keep calling the cops, but they don't do anything when they show up. Oddly there are like 12 police cars in front of my house. I guess they got hooked on the ravers drugs and went to live on a commune.

Bar Crow
Oct 10, 2012
The nutritional information on this box just says "Contains that which is necessary." How am I supposed to know if this has gluten in it?

naem
May 29, 2011

All joking aside guys, the spirits of ancient Peruvians are mad about the quinoa

They're mad about the quinoa

Guys they're mmad abbot teh

Business Gorillas
Mar 11, 2009

:harambe:



Has anyone else noticed that the more cherrios you eat, the more fluent you are at dead languages?

Ever since I started eating these cherrios, I've awoken to prophecies smeared in blood on the walls and my palms slashed. Even though it's ruined my sheets, the prophecies are still kind of interesting.

Lately, however, the language the prophecies are written in have changed from English to a language I do not entirely understand. From what glances I can get, it's some sort of cunieform, but small insects start attacking my eyes if I spend too much time looking at it.

Sorry for the delay on the question, by the way. I had to get a voice to text headset considering at this point my hands are mostly mangled, bloody nubs. Will General mills be covering the cleaning charges to get these blood prophecies off of my wall?

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

Business Gorillas posted:

Will General mills be covering the cleaning charges to get these blood prophecies off of my wall?

It has to be by one of their approved cleaning services, but yes.

Had my walls done last week because they were just getting too cluttered and the blood was starting to attract insects, not to mention the headaches I was getting.

The cleaning service hired by General Mills showed up at my house at 1am (I'm assuming that's what it was. My alarm clock read "25:00") without calling first. They photographed all the writing in all the rooms, then painted over my eyes. I'm blinded now but at least I don't have to look at the unearthly scratchings on my walls anymore (can still see them in my dreams, though. Have arranged w/ General Mills to take care of that, too. Appointment is tonight at "the hour of scrying.")

Lavender menace
Nov 7, 2012

by Lowtax
I read the ingredients list and it said they contain soluble fibre which is good but they also contain sodium benzoate.

Also I seem to be growing hairs on my tongue now.

Lavender menace fucked around with this message at 21:06 on Apr 26, 2015

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Lavender menace posted:

Also I seem to be growing hairs on my tongue now.

Don't worry, that's a good sign. It means you are a suitable host candidate. :) (I'm so jealous)

EngineerSean
Feb 9, 2004

by zen death robot
Contains 1000% of your RDA of chitin, so you know it's gotta be good.

Business Gorillas
Mar 11, 2009

:harambe:



Has anyone started digging holes in their flesh and planting the cherrios in their weeping flesh like tiny seeds?

The roots go deep but I eagerly await for the fruits they'll bear.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

EngineerSean posted:

Contains 1000% of your RDA of chitin, so you know it's gotta be good.

Yeah but what they don't advertise is you have to take ichor supplements if you really want a "complete breakfast."

how me a frog
Feb 6, 2014
The large glass pot that the plant outside drinks from with a straw seemingly split it self in two for no reason. Very mysterious.

Senf
Nov 12, 2006

scooter's are better

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EngineerSean
Feb 9, 2004

by zen death robot

Applewhite posted:

Yeah but what they don't advertise is you have to take ichor supplements if you really want a "complete breakfast."

There's always a catch, but I guess it's good that I purchase my milk from Borden Dairy, they fortify their milk with twelve unnatural and unholy ingredients.

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