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Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Describe in great detail extremely unsexy things, then strike while the knight is limp and vulnerable

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where the red fern gropes
Aug 24, 2011




piss in its eye to establish dominance

Coohoolin
Aug 5, 2012

Oor Coohoolie.


is the elf a virgin? otherwise give the phalloknight chlamydia or genital herpes.

Poland Spring
Sep 11, 2005


Coohoolin posted:

is the elf a virgin? otherwise give the phalloknight chlamydia or genital herpes.

Maybe we picked up something from the bat cuck

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Coohoolin posted:

is the elf a virgin? otherwise give the phalloknight chlamydia or genital herpes.

Earlier on the Elf was deflowered by a randy forest bat. We don't have those items listed on the adventure sheet though and the goons ITT neglected to pick up the loot cards when they had the chance.

Most of the suggestions given so far are in the book so I'll scan those in this evening.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost

Epic High Five posted:

Describe in great detail extremely unsexy things, then strike while the knight is limp and vulnerable

This is probably the smartest answer.

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007

IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!


You fools, has the internet not shown you that everything is someone's kink?

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

IT'S INCISIVE COMMENTARY!



Fun Shoe

What is unsexy enough to dissuade a phalloknight by its mere description? Better to strike for the weak spot. If nothing else, we can force the knight to dismount; that should knock its stats down a little!

Yolomon Wayne
Jun 10, 2014

You call it "The Big Bang", but what really happened is


Grimey Drawer

In an old saga, the hero buried his sword tip up in the ground and kited a wyrm over it until it sliced its stomach open.
The Phallus Knight has a pretty large ballsack under him, just saying...

Radical and BADical!
Jun 27, 2010

by Lowtax


Fun Shoe

loquacius posted:

What is unsexy enough to dissuade a phalloknight by its mere description? Better to strike for the weak spot. If nothing else, we can force the knight to dismount; that should knock its stats down a little!

there are alternate ways to deal with a Phalloknight besides head on combat. I'm surprised he even considers us a worthy foe considering we are not mounted on a magnificent cock-steed ourselves. my suggestion is to appeal to the Phallonight's sense of chivalry and ask him to dine with us before he slays us. slip some pixie shavings into his food afterwards, i say we tame his cock steed and take it for ourselves

Coohoolin
Aug 5, 2012

Oor Coohoolie.


Gilganixon posted:

Earlier on the Elf was deflowered by a randy forest bat. We don't have those items listed on the adventure sheet though and the goons ITT neglected to pick up the loot cards when they had the chance.

Most of the suggestions given so far are in the book so I'll scan those in this evening.

I forgot about the bat cucking.

In the absence of weaponised STDs, I vote for clogging the phallus eye and causing a cumsplosion.

EDIT:
This is better:

Claven666 posted:

there are alternate ways to deal with a Phalloknight besides head on combat. I'm surprised he even considers us a worthy foe considering we are not mounted on a magnificent cock-steed ourselves. my suggestion is to appeal to the Phallonight's sense of chivalry and ask him to dine with us before he slays us. slip some pixie shavings into his food afterwards, i say we tame his cock steed and take it for ourselves

Hatebag
Jun 17, 2008



Claven666 posted:

there are alternate ways to deal with a Phalloknight besides head on combat. I'm surprised he even considers us a worthy foe considering we are not mounted on a magnificent cock-steed ourselves. my suggestion is to appeal to the Phallonight's sense of chivalry and ask him to dine with us before he slays us. slip some pixie shavings into his food afterwards, i say we tame his cock steed and take it for ourselves

He shouldn't duel someone who isn't also a knight. Seems to be a huge dick though. I say hide in the mount's urethra and talk him out of it.

Arkanomen
May 6, 2007

All he wants is a hug


Just kick him in the nuts

Poland Spring
Sep 11, 2005


I think the sheathing the sword in the dick slit option is best because we also trigger conditions for chivalry, being suddenly defenseless and all. So if the first hit doesn't get him we'll still have the "third" option

Xelkelvos
Dec 19, 2012


It's easy. Just thrust pixie dust into the vulnerable urethra.

Speleothing
May 6, 2008

Spare batteries are pretty key.

Fun Shoe

We probably can't fight it. But we can try to deflate it

Dr Cheeto
Mar 2, 2013


Wretched Harp

Be the sneaky, cowardly bastard you are

MONKEY TRASH!
Jan 8, 2006



Gilganixon posted:


You asked for Phalloknight, you cannot un-ask for it.




Amazing. Looks totally like an evil knight of out Berserk.

The elf should whip out penis, rapidly achieve erection, jump on Karol's shoulders and engage in a friendly high-speed jousting match with the Phalloknight to prove that you are equals, brothers, not enemies.

MONKEY TRASH! fucked around with this message at Jul 2, 2015 around 18:11

Two Free Toppings
Jul 1, 2007

SUCK
THE
SHIT
OUT
OF
MY
OWN
ASSHOLE


Get some of that ground up pixie dust in the dick horse's eye/mouth urethra. Just chunk a handful in there or coat your sword with it and sheathe the sword right there. Let's see how tough the Wiener Knight is when his horse is tripping its balls (lol) off.

Ultimate Mango
Jan 18, 2005

Funded by the proceeds from zaurg's home sale. Suck it.


Dock your Cocks

damn horror queefs
Oct 14, 2005

say hello
say hello to the man in the elevator

Volume posted:

bend over and take it

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update

Kicked the scanner and it started working again. Here's where we left off. As you can see most of the options suggested by the thread are in there.



As this is the first "boss" battle I thought it'd be good to scan in the outcome for most of the options.

Arkanomen posted:

Just kick him in the nuts

This is a straight-up attack, which I resolved and lost because this thing is basically impossible. I rolled a 5 on the saving throw we get from that shield so got to try again. He beat me a second time and I failed the saving throw. 18 effort lost and a trip to page 260 where...


pop

So if attacking's out of the question because winning is impossible, let's try the other ways out of this mess:

Solice Kirsk posted:

A) I want that illustration as my avatar
B) Stick sword in the mounts pee/eye hole to win a re-SOUNDING victory.

Dreggon posted:

Below where our cock would be (if we weren't facing the other way) is a visible, literal eye of the penis! Stab it for massive damage!

loquacius posted:

What is unsexy enough to dissuade a phalloknight by its mere description? Better to strike for the weak spot. If nothing else, we can force the knight to dismount; that should knock its stats down a little!

Turning to 275:



Hmm.

Xelkelvos posted:

It's easy. Just thrust pixie dust into the vulnerable urethra.

311 (face, not urethra, but same deal with these guys really)



Maybe trying to get behind it...


Applewhite posted:

Get behind him and attack his weak point for massive damage!

Pyroi posted:

Initiate Delta Formation.

116



gently caress.

I didn't bother scanning the pages for trying to ruin his boner with words or talk him into realising you're not a valid target under the laws of chivalry. They share the common theme of there being no time anyway - before you could wreck his action you are hit with a huge spear. Same deal for running, you just get run through back to front instead of front to back.

Finally, there's this:

Volume posted:

bend over and take it

Dr Cheeto posted:

Be the sneaky, cowardly bastard you are

31



Well what do ya know. Always bet on being a piece of poo poo in this book, I guess. It cost a fair bit of health but there's no way to get through this without getting hurt.

Finally we reach our next decision point after a lot of words...



goddamn that scanner... anyway:

What do we do with the Knight (if anything)?

Next update won't be so long, I just wanted to show off a boss battle. We'll go with the single most popular/good choice next time as usual.

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2015 around 23:47

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Now that it's likely not going anywhere, I'd like to Toss pixie dust on him, and while it takes effect I shall regale him in excruciating detail of my amorous affair with the bat creature to ensure his hallucinations are entirely of my plowing a giant wombat

I guess maybe he'll kill himself or something and then we can loot it? I just want to do this to be a dick because elves are 100% assholes 100% of the time

the_steve
Nov 9, 2005

We're always hiring!

comment on how bitterly cold it is to the Phalloknight. Encourage shrinkage.

almost1337
Jun 14, 2013

The male likpatons turn around the nucleus formed of female boobons and neutral bolsterons


We should check on Karol, and then use the condiment packets to salt his wounds, angering the Phalloknight further and goading it into making a mistake.

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005



Epic High Five posted:

Now that it's likely not going anywhere, I'd like to Toss pixie dust on him, and while it takes effect I shall regale him in excruciating detail of my amorous affair with the bat creature to ensure his hallucinations are entirely of my plowing a giant wombat

I guess maybe he'll kill himself or something and then we can loot it? I just want to do this to be a dick because elves are 100% assholes 100% of the time

Yeah this

Two Free Toppings
Jul 1, 2007

SUCK
THE
SHIT
OUT
OF
MY
OWN
ASSHOLE


Can we heal an injury with the condiments or the elf rations? I can't remember. Either way, now is the time to be a very poor winner. I support sprinkling him with pixie dust, so long as we are fairly certain that drugs, bondage and our recounted anthropomorphic tryst with the batlady aren't just going to reinvigorate the demon.

I mean, if a little twinky elf pumped me full of hallucinogenic mushrooms and started getting weird about bat cuckolds and violent pixie death orgies I have no clue what my erection status would be, and I am not even a penis monster.

the_steve
Nov 9, 2005

We're always hiring!

Yknow, we aren't that far from home, are we? Get the Phalloknight high as a loving kite, then when he's good and paranoid, tell him about Jeff.

Beer4TheBeerGod
Aug 23, 2004

*BEEP*
*BOOP*
M'SPREADSHEET



Exciting Lemon

the_steve posted:

Yknow, we aren't that far from home, are we? Get the Phalloknight high as a loving kite, then when he's good and paranoid, tell him about Jeff.

Offer to spare the Phalloknight only if he agrees to give Jeff the greatest cuckolding in the history of elvenkind.

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Beer4TheBeerGod posted:

Offer to spare the Phalloknight only if he agrees to give Jeff the greatest cuckolding in the history of elvenkind.

Wouldn't this be the same as encouraging the Phalloknight to nail your mom? Also, there's the chance that Jeff gets off on it, in which case IIRC you have to roll against an insanity table to see what effects being bested by Jeff yet again has on your fragile psyche.

Better to force the knight to hallucinate about you plowing the wombat, I think it's a coin flip between the knight offing itself (or returning to the home dimension if it has effort enough) or gibbering in its hallucinatory state about dark secrets, possibly treasure! Possibly....other things!

Beer4TheBeerGod
Aug 23, 2004

*BEEP*
*BOOP*
M'SPREADSHEET



Exciting Lemon

Epic High Five posted:

Wouldn't this be the same as encouraging the Phalloknight to nail your mom? Also, there's the chance that Jeff gets off on it, in which case IIRC you have to roll against an insanity table to see what effects being bested by Jeff yet again has on your fragile psyche.

Better to force the knight to hallucinate about you plowing the wombat, I think it's a coin flip between the knight offing itself (or returning to the home dimension if it has effort enough) or gibbering in its hallucinatory state about dark secrets, possibly treasure! Possibly....other things!

If mom didn't want to get hosed by a daemon of indescribable proportions from the deepest reaches of the penile planes then perhaps she should have stood up for us.

But you're right, that's kind of hosed up. Have the demon cuck your mom instead.

FRINGE
May 23, 2003


the_steve posted:

Yknow, we aren't that far from home, are we? Get the Phalloknight high as a loving kite, then when he's good and paranoid, tell him about Jeff.
Yes focus on the GLORIOUS BATTLE that is "part of Jeff" while the knight is tripping. It is GLORIOUS BATTLE that can only be found deep inside the mighty Jeffs body.

King of Bleh
Mar 2, 2007

A kingdom of rats.


This CYOA is just the swellest . Given all the talk about long thin poles, I'm curious if there's any bonus result on 275 + 30?

where the red fern gropes
Aug 24, 2011




steal his......... horse

the_steve
Nov 9, 2005

We're always hiring!

"Look dude, I need you to surprise sex my mom's boyfriend. And then kill him. Actually, I'm not worried about the order here, just as long as you check both items off the list."

Ponderous Saxon
Jan 5, 2010


Fallen Rib

Epic High Five posted:

Now that it's likely not going anywhere, I'd like to Toss pixie dust on him, and while it takes effect I shall regale him in excruciating detail of my amorous affair with the bat creature to ensure his hallucinations are entirely of my plowing a giant wombat

I guess maybe he'll kill himself or something and then we can loot it? I just want to do this to be a dick because elves are 100% assholes 100% of the time

A solid plan, go with this.

Dr Cheeto
Mar 2, 2013


Wretched Harp

Steal his dick armor and basically anything else we can carry

Hyrax Attack!
Jan 13, 2009

We demand to be taken seriously


Epic High Five posted:

Now that it's likely not going anywhere, I'd like to Toss pixie dust on him, and while it takes effect I shall regale him in excruciating detail of my amorous affair with the bat creature to ensure his hallucinations are entirely of my plowing a giant wombat

I guess maybe he'll kill himself or something and then we can loot it? I just want to do this to be a dick because elves are 100% assholes 100% of the time

Voting this. This CYOA is amazing, my favorite parts are the out of context page entries, especially the one referencing Rambo.

Shimrra Jamaane
Aug 9, 2007

THE CENTRIST DEFENDER HAS LOGGED ON


I didn't read anything, is this thread rated gold ironically or unironically?

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FRINGE
May 23, 2003


Shimrra Jamaane posted:

Rated gold ironically and unironically!

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