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  • Locked thread
Radical and BADical!
Jun 27, 2010

by Lowtax


Fun Shoe

Mojo Threepwood posted:

Voting this. This CYOA is amazing, my favorite parts are the out of context page entries, especially the one referencing Rambo.

i wonder what would happen if we saved his life?

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Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Incredible work so far btw OP, having failed spectacularly at piecing one of these rare books together from two beaten to hell copies I stumbled on in part of my brother's comic book collection I bought off him wholesale I know your pain.

Interestingly enough, one copy (which had apparently had its own wombat-tier "incident" with an eclair doughnut) was eaten by ants, but the other copy that was actually in decent shape was literally carried off by ants to an unknown location after they had eaten the first. This is interesting, I need not tell you of course, because of the bit with ant colony later on if you (correct me if I'm wrong here) chose to attend the gala dressed in the barrel and 1 shoe.

I thought it was pretty odd at the time but now that everybody here is sharing stories as to the mysterious ways copies of this book have left their possession it makes me wonder.

edit - while I mourn the loss of my two copies, I do live next to a library, and I take solace in my firmly held belief that the ants in question may be librarian ants who have chosen to restore the books to pristine condition and keep them forever out of the hands of humans who clearly cannot be trusted

Epic High Five fucked around with this message at Jul 3, 2015 around 19:37

Pyroi
Aug 16, 2013


Claven666 posted:

i wonder what would happen if we saved his life?

Let's try to help him, and see if we can become allies.

Coohoolin
Aug 5, 2012

Oor Coohoolie.


Pyroi posted:

Let's try to help him, and see if we can become allies.

This seems an ok plan, after all, the summoning was an accident and now that the phallus is losing blood maybe the brain can do some work, hmm?

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update:

Sorry the update's late tonight. The new book gave me a paper cut while I was scanning it. Nothing too serious but I had to go to hospital and get a few stitches. Apparently it somehow cut me down to the nerves and I might never straighten my right index finger again? I'm really more upset about the new book, it's kind of ruined now

Here's the properly scanned image, don't mind the smudges, it's not as bad as it looks:



A pretty even split between the options to finish him off using the pixie dust and to heal him up. One of these options leads to the very first endings that you can get to in this game, so let's check that out first:

Claven666 posted:

i wonder what would happen if we saved his life?

Pyroi posted:

Let's try to help him, and see if we can become allies.


It's not the worst ending possible but it would have been good to find Dad and maybe get a real Sword of the Bastard Elf instead of a figurative one. At least Jeff got what was coming.

Epic High Five posted:

Now that it's likely not going anywhere, I'd like to Toss pixie dust on him, and while it takes effect I shall regale him in excruciating detail of my amorous affair with the bat creature to ensure his hallucinations are entirely of my plowing a giant wombat

I guess maybe he'll kill himself or something and then we can loot it? I just want to do this to be a dick because elves are 100% assholes 100% of the time

On this note, checking out page 347:



Rolling for potion effects again (we don't lose the Elan because we have a Pixie-skin Cloak equipped):



I got snake eyes. Rerolled and got 4. We had to fight a Granny and we only had 6 Elan, which means it was unbeatable. Sorry guys, adventure over.

Trying again, I rolled 8, which made this a very useful healing potion instead of a potion of dying of hallucinations. Potions in this game are scary.

Now with the Knight finally out of the picture, we can select one piece of loot from the corpse before moving on... what do we take?

As usual, here's the updated adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 4, 2015 around 02:36

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

almost1337 posted:

We should check on Karol, and then use the condiment packets to salt his wounds, angering the Phalloknight further and goading it into making a mistake.

Karol didn't do anything this time round but he's more useful when dungeoneering than he is at dealing with murderbeasts.

King of Bleh posted:

This CYOA is just the swellest . Given all the talk about long thin poles, I'm curious if there's any bonus result on 275 + 30?

Thanks, it's a pity this book has been mostly forgotten aside from a couple of terrible fan sites. There was nothing for Karol on 275 but if we tried to use him on the page leading up to that decision (98) he would have cussed us out and ditched us.


Epic High Five posted:

Incredible work so far btw OP, having failed spectacularly at piecing one of these rare books together from two beaten to hell copies I stumbled on in part of my brother's comic book collection I bought off him wholesale I know your pain.

Interestingly enough, one copy (which had apparently had its own wombat-tier "incident" with an eclair doughnut) was eaten by ants, but the other copy that was actually in decent shape was literally carried off by ants to an unknown location after they had eaten the first. This is interesting, I need not tell you of course, because of the bit with ant colony later on if you (correct me if I'm wrong here) chose to attend the gala dressed in the barrel and 1 shoe.

I thought it was pretty odd at the time but now that everybody here is sharing stories as to the mysterious ways copies of this book have left their possession it makes me wonder.

edit - while I mourn the loss of my two copies, I do live next to a library, and I take solace in my firmly held belief that the ants in question may be librarian ants who have chosen to restore the books to pristine condition and keep them forever out of the hands of humans who clearly cannot be trusted

Thanks, there's definitely something strange about these books, they seem to want to get away from us for some reason. They're hard to keep in good condition at least. I think I just ruined the last pristine copy in existence.
Anyway, that is weird about the ants, we might encounter them during this playthrough if the thread plays its cards right.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 4, 2015 around 02:23

Arkanomen
May 6, 2007

All he wants is a hug


E: wrong thread

ANIME IS BLOOD
Sep 4, 2008

by zen death robot


Shimrra Jamaane posted:

I didn't read anything, is this thread rated gold ironically or unironically?

yes

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Loot that bitchin' PhalloHelm to complement our already incredibly Sweet Belt

edit - FIRST WE SHOULD WASH THE REMAINING PIXIE DUST OUT OF THE HELMET QUITE THOROUGHLY

Also note to self: cover face when tossing fistfuls of pixie dust at enemies

Gilganixon posted:

I think I just ruined the last pristine copy in existence.

Probably best to not to make hot dogs next to precious books, lest you get red stains smeared all over them from the ketchup

Edit - read the first part of the post that I apparently missed. RIP your finger OP, with any luck the book will have a good recipe for a healing salve later on

Epic High Five fucked around with this message at Jul 4, 2015 around 03:52

Radical and BADical!
Jun 27, 2010

by Lowtax


Fun Shoe

am i right in thinking the Phalloknight is some sort of dick centaur type dude, i.e. we can't look his cock steed because it's his own dick?

if we can take the steed we could get to bilgeton a lot faster. if not, i say we make a thorough search of the Phalloknight and take the most demonic artifact

Two Free Toppings
Jul 1, 2007

SUCK
THE
SHIT
OUT
OF
MY
OWN
ASSHOLE


Good stuff! The great sword would be pretty great, but as we already have a fine blade and the knight's weapon would probably be too heavy for us I am also in favor of adding a dick helmet to the inventory.

E: hard hat. That was the subpar joke I was looking for.

Two Free Toppings fucked around with this message at Jul 4, 2015 around 04:06

Beer4TheBeerGod
Aug 23, 2004

*BEEP*
*BOOP*
M'SPREADSHEET



Exciting Lemon

If we eat its testicles do we gain its virility?

Barring that the helm.

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Beer4TheBeerGod posted:

If we eat its testicles do we gain its virility?

Barring that the helm.

Good idea! We can eat the testicles on the spot so no need for them to go into the inventory, and with how low our Effort is now I'm sure we're famished. I vote In addition to looting the PhalloHelm, we feast on a testicle to gain the virility our spindly and meek frame needs so badly

A_Bug_That_Thinks
Mar 16, 2011


ASK ME ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE BIG SAGGY POKEMON TITS

I like you OP.

Take his pills of monumental ejaculation.

almost1337
Jun 14, 2013

The male likpatons turn around the nucleus formed of female boobons and neutral bolsterons


Gilganixon posted:

Thanks, it's a pity this book has been mostly forgotten aside from a couple of terrible fan sites. There was nothing for Karol on 275 but if we tried to use him on the page leading up to that decision (98) he would have cussed us out and ditched us.
Darn, I got mixed up and thought that scene played out on 194 and not 275... just goes to show how long it has been since I had an intact copy to play from. My cousin's book was incinerated by my aunt after he died from a tetanus infection from the book. (He got a real doozy of a paper cut when we were peeking ahead on the Prince of Shards chess fight - those early editions sure had some sturdy pages!) Sadly, they were one of those new-age/anti-vaxx/homeopathic-remedies-only families, so I guess it was going to happen sooner or later.



That said, I agree that we should go for the helm and a nice testicle fricasee.

BadgerSeat
Feb 28, 2006

Would you like to see where I keep my severed heads?

Loot the phalloknight and be on your way to bilgeton

Speleothing
May 6, 2008

Spare batteries are pretty key.

Fun Shoe

It seems to me that the only thing that won't be grossly too heavy to use would be the helmet. But there's a lot of strange stuff in this book, so maybe I'm wrong

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Speleothing posted:

It seems to me that the only thing that won't be grossly too heavy to use would be the helmet. But there's a lot of strange stuff in this book, so maybe I'm wrong

Yeah it's got an almost improvisational tone. Helmet's not a bad choice even though it fits over the Elf's entire upper torso.

where the red fern gropes
Aug 24, 2011




take the 'eye' from his steed, it's small and not technically part of the knight's armor so it should be free right? you don't have to do this if the eye loot card turns out to be from an endgame area though we don't want to break the book

also i cannot help but notice that his sword does not match the one in the bestiary. is this the censored UK version?

Porgie Tirebiter
Aug 17, 2004

Hulk is perplexed by futures market! SMAAAASH!


eat the teste, bastard elf

Eumenides
Sep 24, 2007

This is the face of Lawful Good!

Fun Shoe

mvo posted:

eat the teste, bastard elf

beauty queen breakdown
Dec 21, 2010


The Phalloknight's helm could be used as an impromptu shelter or clothing... or more importantly as proof you slew a Phalloknight. Bilgeton and a few tales later (in which we omit the part where we summoned the thing in the first place) and I bet we're stuffed full of sweet jingly coin.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Main quest update

BadgerSeat posted:

Loot the phalloknight and be on your way to bilgeton



Although the last page said to take one item it's pretty easy to take the wrong thing here and get locked out of some possible endings. There's no time limit here so let's just assume the Elf scoops up everything he can carry and/or cut off.

Carlton Fisk posted:

The Phalloknight's helm could be used as an impromptu shelter or clothing... or more importantly as proof you slew a Phalloknight. Bilgeton and a few tales later (in which we omit the part where we summoned the thing in the first place) and I bet we're stuffed full of sweet jingly coin.

The helmet is big, but fine - if we want to equip it it gives us a bonus to Elan in combat and a malus out of combat.As you say it could be useful up ahead though so whether we equip it or not let's just take it.



Epic High Five posted:

Good idea! We can eat the testicles on the spot so no need for them to go into the inventory, and with how low our Effort is now I'm sure we're famished. I vote In addition to looting the PhalloHelm, we feast on a testicle to gain the virility our spindly and meek frame needs so badly

There's a loot card for the testicle, so let's have it. You can either eat it for some useful effects or hold onto it for a situational effect:



Dreggon posted:

take the 'eye' from his steed, it's small and not technically part of the knight's armor so it should be free right? you don't have to do this if the eye loot card turns out to be from an endgame area though we don't want to break the book

also i cannot help but notice that his sword does not match the one in the bestiary. is this the censored UK version?

Why not. I'm not sure what it does though.



To answer your question the Phalloknight in the Bestiary is probably a different knight, they're all meant to have their own unique gear. I think the shield has a different device on it too. This enemy appears a tedious number of times throughout the series and is probably the main reason the books got ditched by the publisher.

Claven666 posted:

am i right in thinking the Phalloknight is some sort of dick centaur type dude, i.e. we can't look his cock steed because it's his own dick?

Yeah, and even if it wasn't part of him, we just killed it.

A_Bug_That_Thinks posted:

Take his pills of monumental ejaculation.

No loot card for that but the testicle will do the trick I think.

Moving on to 55:



The main decisions here:
a) Do we want to wear the dick helmet or just carry it around?
b) Do we eat the testicle or save it for later? Not much of a choice this time but after all we've been through we could use a breather.

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2015 around 23:45

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Alternate quest update

Rounding the bend we get this (108):



Choice is either to take the next right or head back.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2015 around 02:26

BadgerSeat
Feb 28, 2006

Would you like to see where I keep my severed heads?

Eat the lovely elf rations, save the testicle for later, head to bilgeton

Highblood
May 20, 2012

Let's talk about tactics.

Was this book made before or after the Blues Brothers movie? Because I'd like to think the movie makes reference to it and not the other way around.

Paladin
Nov 26, 2004
You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it.

If you get a valuable quest item like that, you don't go wasting it all early! Save that testicle for the end, where I'm sure it will be the most useful.

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Eat elf rations for sure, making sure of course that we are not eating any elf currency. Definitely gotta save that oyster to impress someone later on like

Also I think it's important we look our best upon arriving at Bilgetown so I vote we dud up with whatever we find laying around and/or in unguarded houses, put a polish on our PhalloHelm and Sweet Belt, and get our strut on

Then find the bar and trade some pinecones for booze because we've got some poo poo to forget

the_steve
Nov 9, 2005

We're always hiring!

Main Quest
- wear the helmet.
- save the testicle for later

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Oh yeah the side quest!

side quest - Continue to explore of course! Karol seems to know his poo poo and should obviously be left in charge here but I do still this it's important that we make lots of really suicidally dumb suggestions so that we seem like we're helping and don't feel left out

Helical Nightmares
Apr 30, 2009


the_steve posted:

Main Quest
- wear the helmet.
- save the testicle for later

Leave the helmet. Take the testicles.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yHzh0PvMWTI

BadgerSeat
Feb 28, 2006

Would you like to see where I keep my severed heads?

There are two testicles though, couldn't we eat one and take one for the road or was the second testicle damaged too much in the 'fight'?
Also, wear the helmet.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

BadgerSeat posted:

There are two testicles though, couldn't we eat one and take one for the road or was the second testicle damaged too much in the 'fight'?
Also, wear the helmet.

There's only one loot card. Anyhow, we shouldn't bogart the testicles. Leave some for the next guy.

zaitochi
Dec 2, 2014


main quest:
Save the teste! I'm sure the head strap on, viagraball and cock eye analbead combo will serve us well when we get to Bilgetown and get showered with punani after we shared our story.

Sword of the bastard elf is a great porn name and we should waste no oppertunity buiding our reputation on the queeste to porn stardom.

side:
We might be a bastard but at least were not a pussy rear end second guessing our decisions kind of bastard.
Also, karol is in front of us and we might be able to shove the sucker into whatever death trap we encounter first.

zaitochi fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2015 around 10:58

Dr Cheeto
Mar 2, 2013


Wretched Harp

Side quest: always check with Karol before proceeding, this is definitely his bag

Main: either eat the rations or take the 10 effort hit

Speleothing
May 6, 2008

Spare batteries are pretty key.

Fun Shoe

Highblood posted:

Was this book made before or after the Blues Brothers movie? Because I'd like to think the movie makes reference to it and not the other way around.

Blues Brothers came out in 1980, this series started in '82-ish.

Hyrax Attack!
Jan 13, 2009

We demand to be taken seriously


Eat the elf rations. Head to Bilgetown post office and mail the testicle to Jeff with the note "YOUR NEXT"

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Speleothing posted:

Blues Brothers came out in 1980, this series started in '82-ish.

This was the subject of countless flame wars on the old Two-Fisted Fantasy ezboards. I think it's a coincidence. The author was supposed to be some kind of shut-in who lived out in a woodland cabin so I doubt he ever saw any of the movies he's supposed to be referencing.

Main Quest Update

The popular option is to wear the helmet, save the testicle and eat the Elf Rations.

Epic High Five posted:

Eat elf rations for sure, making sure of course that we are not eating any elf currency. Definitely gotta save that oyster to impress someone later on like

Since you've obviously been reading the entries out of context this will come as no surprise (312):



It was just leaves and junk anyway and we got 10 EFFORT out of it. We still have our valuable teeth as a backup currency as well as a whole bunch of junk we're hauling around which we can possibly fence later on.

Anyway turning to 106...



We've stumbled across a royal picnic or something along the road to Bilgeton. We saw them before they saw us, which is good because it looks like they've got guards.Of course my scanner is on the fritz again so hopefully the thread can recall what options were available on this page.

Anyway what's the plan? We could just ignore them and keep hiking but we've got a long way to go and they've got transport, food and other stuff we could use, if they could be convinced to help us out.

Adventure sheet:

Hyrax Attack!
Jan 13, 2009

We demand to be taken seriously


Walk into their camp and ask if you can share their stewpot. Add pixie bits, and when it is time to eat excuse yourself to pee behind a tree. Wait ten minutes for the pixie bits to take effect, then emerge wearing only the helmet and pixie cloak.

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Jenkem Delivery
Feb 8, 2005

Death created time to grow the things that it would kill

Mojo Threepwood posted:

Walk into their camp and ask if you can share their stewpot. Add pixie bits, and when it is time to eat excuse yourself to pee behind a tree. Wait ten minutes for the pixie bits to take effect, then emerge wearing only the helmet and pixie cloak.

Yeah, this.

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