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Hyrax Attack!
Jan 13, 2009

We demand to be taken seriously


Injure the guard but leave him conscious. Load our loot onto the remaining horse. As we prepare to depart, hear the guard demand to know what we believe in. Walk up to him and kneel, and place a small bag of pixie dust loosely tied with string in his mouth.

Remove our helmet and say "I believe that whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you... Jeff." Tie the other end of the string to your horse so the guard gets doused as you ride away, blending in with a parade of identical horses.

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Speleothing
May 6, 2008

Spare batteries are pretty key.

Fun Shoe

1: Save the bits for later

2: Fight the guard

3: Fancy clothes, bundle of letters, magic(?) mirror

Escape on horse


Carry on into maze

FRINGE
May 23, 2003


1. Do we still want to contaminate the camp with mixed pixie bits and the cockeye?
Save the parts.

2. Fight the guard or get captured? (not fighting the guard is the same as losing as far as the book is concerned, we will be captured)
Fight the guard.

3. Assuming we are not captured, what 3 items do we take before making a break for it? And by what means should we escape?
1) musical instrument
2) some kind of missile weapon
3) the rich lords drug stash

Escape with a horse

Atma
Sep 16, 2002



College Slice

can someone work at restoring this book like that super mario porn someone tried to do?

i would like a copy

of this book

not super mario porn

BadgerSeat
Feb 28, 2006

Would you like to see where I keep my severed heads?

Save the parts
Fight the guard
Steal everything that appears to be magical, hopefully a codpiece
Ride a horse to bilgeton

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

IN THE GRIM BARKNESS
OF THE FUTURE
THERE ARE ONLY DOGS


Nap Ghost

Mojo Threepwood posted:

Injure the guard but leave him conscious. Load our loot onto the remaining horse. As we prepare to depart, hear the guard demand to know what we believe in. Walk up to him and kneel, and place a small bag of pixie dust loosely tied with string in his mouth.

Remove our helmet and say "I believe that whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you... Jeff." Tie the other end of the string to your horse so the guard gets doused as you ride away, blending in with a parade of identical horses.

A_Bug_That_Thinks
Mar 16, 2011


ASK ME ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE BIG SAGGY POKEMON TITS

Fight: The Guard

Poison: The poo poo out of that food

Steal: Kickass Lute, Pile of Jewels, Horse

"Jeff wuz here"

E: Leave the tent on fire to distract people while we spike the punch

A_Bug_That_Thinks fucked around with this message at Jul 8, 2015 around 11:48

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

We encountered Humans at last, so here's the Bestiary entry for a typical human. It may come in handy:



This doesn't apply to Karol of course. There's a separate entry in here for Poles for some reason.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 8, 2015 around 14:54

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Gilganixon posted:

We encountered Humans at last, so here's the Bestiary entry for a typical human. It may come in handy:



This doesn't apply to Karol of course. There's a separate entry in here for Poles for some reason.

Pictured: master potionsmith, at least given the nature of potions in this CYOA

STOP HERE, THIS IS WOMBAT COUNTRY

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





1: Save the bits for later

2: Fight the guard

3: magic trinket, fancy doublet, and jeweled codpiece

Escape on horse, but not before carving "JEFF WAS HERE" onto somewhere extremely obvious


Ask Karol if maybe this maze we're in is actually tunnels making up a giant word that may be of relevance in the near future

Arkanomen
May 6, 2007

All he wants is a hug



1. save bits
2. Fight fight fight
3. Symbols of nobility, human cash, human pornography.



If I remember right, you have to get the nobles royalty stuff, signet ring, wax seal etc card so you can pose as a noble later on. Makes it a lot easier and you get some cooler swag down the line when you buy it on Sir dipshit's dime.

Garth_Marenghi
Nov 7, 2011



When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

the_steve
Nov 9, 2005

We're always hiring!

Main Quest
- Fight the guard (kick him in the dick, because our helmet should give us True Cock Sight)
- poison the food.
- Steal whatever looks the most like a priceless family heirloom, and some nice clothes.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003



Epic High Five posted:

Pictured: master potionsmith, at least given the nature of potions in this CYOA

can confirm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_FQU4KzN7A

The Protagonist
Jun 29, 2009

On Top of da World is the debut album by Lil Italy. It was released on August 3, 1999 for No Limit Records and was produced by Master P and members of Beats By the Pound. It peaked at #99 on the Billboard 200 and #20 on the Top R&B/Hip-Hop Albums.

Gilganixon posted:

We encountered Humans at last, so here's the Bestiary entry for a typical human. It may come in handy:


I love this

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.



What the gently caress....how does this have almost a million views?

almost1337
Jun 14, 2013

The male likpatons turn around the nucleus formed of female boobons and neutral bolsterons


1. Use the bits to spike the food
2. Fight the guard, despite being half the man he is
3. Steal letter/proof of nobility, the shiniest object available, and a fancy gown.
4. Leave a note stating "Jeff sends his regards", and escape on horseback

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Thanks for votes. So far it's

Save the ingredients by a large margin

Fight the guard by an even larger margin

Take: clothes and royal jewels (4 votes for each)

Leave on horseback but not before framing Jeff

The only remaining choice is the third item : the instrument and the codpiece are neck and neck. The next post that suggests either of those two will decide the issue, or I'll pick one at random failing that.

Update coming shortly, just wrestling with the scanner and injuries as usual.

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Gilganixon posted:

Thanks for votes. So far it's

Save the ingredients by a large margin

Fight the guard by an even larger margin

Take: clothes and royal jewels (4 votes for each)

Leave on horseback but not before framing Jeff

The only remaining choice is the third item : the instrument and the codpiece are neck and neck. The next post that suggests either of those two will decide the issue, or I'll pick one at random failing that.

Update coming shortly, just wrestling with the scanner and injuries as usual.

CODPIECE if it's super bejeweled and shiny, but I'd settle for a stringed instrument of some variety is the codpiece is pretty ho-hum

fake edit - I'VE DONE IT, THE LEAST HELPFUL POST EVER

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

You said Codpiece first. Your dreams of a musical career are now dust. Update to follow soon!

A_Bug_That_Thinks
Mar 16, 2011


ASK ME ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE BIG SAGGY POKEMON TITS

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-

Monkey Fracas
Sep 11, 2010

...but then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you!


Grimey Drawer

Good, I think I remember the Codpiece circumventing at least a few questlines in this book.

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.


Once we get to town we can try to trade our cock eye for an instrument.

Inexplicable Humblebrag
Sep 20, 2003



Solice Kirsk posted:

What the gently caress....how does this have almost a million views?

i don't know, i don't like thinking about it

it's got a wiki

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Main quest update

We've decided to fight the guard:



This should be a really easy fight - Effort 8, toughness 1. We have 3 fists so I set aside 4 Effort and roll a 5, a 3, and a 1 on the Sweet Belt's dice.



The guard is beaten but it cost us the belt, which is now snaking around looking for a new owner. Godspeed, gentle belt. For now we're back to 2 fists. That fight cost us 5 effort overall due to the shield.

Moving on, we keep the Marching Potion and 200 gold from the last update. We've also chosen decent clothes, jewellery and a codpiece.



Wrapping things up we turn back to 38:



We give credit to Jeff for what we've done here, then we pinch a horse and ride for it. Here's the horse:



And moving on to our next decision point:



(again with the broken scanner - and I left the book in the kitchen and it somehow got covered in grease too...I hate my housemates )

We lose 6 Effort here, again because of the shield.
Now, do we want to take a little while to ride over to that tower and sort out the Wizard of Warlock Tower on behalf of our useless brethren? Or is there something else that we should be doing?

Finally we will need a decision about the nice clothes - eventually we'll probably want to be wearing them because it'll be easier to fit in around civilised people, but in the meantime do we want the extra FIST in exchange for the loss of 1 Elan and the saving throw (neither of which have done us heaps of good so far, but you never know)? If we equip the decent outfit we can't wear our ugly helmet or lug around the shield any more.

Adventure sheet:

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.


With out Karol I don't like our chances of getting out of a wizard tower in one piece.... leave all our armor on and let's head to that loving tower!

Also, how much pixie parts/dust do we have left? Enough for one more use or can we squeeze two or three out of them?

Obscil
Feb 27, 2012

PLEASE LIKE ME!

Put on the nice clothes.

RC Cola
Aug 1, 2011

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain



Obscil posted:

Put on the nice clothes.

the_steve
Nov 9, 2005

We're always hiring!

Keep the armor for now.
See if the elves will pay in advance. If they will, take whatever they're stupid enough to give us, then pretend like we're going to the Wizard Tower, but actually ditching the quest once we're out of sight of the elves.

almost1337
Jun 14, 2013

The male likpatons turn around the nucleus formed of female boobons and neutral bolsterons


The Warlock sounds like a p cool guy; we should saunter on in and see if he is looking for an apprentice.

Atma
Sep 16, 2002



College Slice

don't want to lose any EFFORT here

insert ROCK GOBLIN MOUNTAIN OYSTER into MAGNIFICENT CODPIECE as if it were a bowl, use CONDIMENTS on OYSTER and have a healthy meal

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.


Atma posted:

don't want to lose any EFFORT here

insert ROCK GOBLIN MOUNTAIN OYSTER into MAGNIFICENT CODPIECE as if it were a bowl, use CONDIMENTS on OYSTER and have a healthy meal

Changing my vote to this.

Hyrax Attack!
Jan 13, 2009

We demand to be taken seriously


Atma posted:

don't want to lose any EFFORT here

insert ROCK GOBLIN MOUNTAIN OYSTER into MAGNIFICENT CODPIECE as if it were a bowl, use CONDIMENTS on OYSTER and have a healthy meal

While maintaining eye contact with the elves

RC Cola
Aug 1, 2011

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain



Solice Kirsk posted:

Changing my vote to this.

Pinche Rudo
Feb 8, 2005



the_steve posted:

Keep the armor for now.
See if the elves will pay in advance. If they will, take whatever they're stupid enough to give us, then pretend like we're going to the Wizard Tower, but actually ditching the quest once we're out of sight of the elves.


This. gently caress those elves

SaltyJesus
Jun 2, 2011

Arf!


Atma posted:

don't want to lose any EFFORT here

insert ROCK GOBLIN MOUNTAIN OYSTER into MAGNIFICENT CODPIECE as if it were a bowl, use CONDIMENTS on OYSTER and have a healthy meal

also leave all of our armor on, they'll pry our hard earned cockhelmet from our cold, dead hands

Epic High Five
Jun 5, 2004





Warlocks don't have skeleton hordes, that's necromancers. They're obviously lying. loving elves, burn down a tree while staring at them. Surprise magical gift my rear end, it's the pixies all over again

I do think we should have a chat with that necromancer, and that we should keep our armor on, including the PhalloHelm, in order to impress him and make him less likely to horribly kill and rob us because we're wearing fancy clothing

Also, what does the faint background writing on the adventure scroll say, I can only make out a few words and am slightly hoping that it's the lyrics to August and Everything After

Zulily Zoetrope
Jun 1, 2011





Muldoon

Offer to help them [lie], then head over to the warlock and see if there's anything you can do for him.

A Wizard of Goatse
Dec 14, 2014

What the fuck am I even saying?


Assuming whatever 'surprise' these elves have got isn't just a stick enchanted to look like a stick or the magical treasure that was within you all along (it is), you'd probably have a much easier time taking the reward off them than earning it fighting the skeletons who're kicking their asses, and wizards sound like bad news. Defeat the skeletons, but only the ones hiding inside the elves. Find the wizard and attach lips firmly to magical rear end until he gives you powers. Skeleton wizard is your dad now.

A Wizard of Goatse fucked around with this message at Jul 9, 2015 around 09:14

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Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Epic High Five posted:

Warlocks don't have skeleton hordes, that's necromancers. They're obviously lying. loving elves, burn down a tree while staring at them. Surprise magical gift my rear end, it's the pixies all over again

I do think we should have a chat with that necromancer, and that we should keep our armor on, including the PhalloHelm, in order to impress him and make him less likely to horribly kill and rob us because we're wearing fancy clothing

Also, what does the faint background writing on the adventure scroll say, I can only make out a few words and am slightly hoping that it's the lyrics to August and Everything After

It's the Wizard of Warlock Tower, necromancy is totally in a wizard's wheelhouse.

I have no idea what the erased writing on the adventure sheet says. I can only assume it's evidence of many happy adventures through the world of the Bastard Elf.

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