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Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Download Sword of the Bastard Elf PDF here (28mb)



I was digging around in an old box and found this book at the bottom. It's one of those off-brand Fighting Fantasy-style gamebooks from the 80s. I remember it being pretty fun and almost no one I know has played it so I thought it'd be worth scanning for posterity. While I'm doing that we can play through it, since goons usually make good choices about things.



The book isn't in great condition but it should still be playable. By the looks it spent most of the 90s as a coaster.



I'm not going to bore you with this. The introduction and loot tables go on for about fifty pages, which is unreasonably long since this game isn't all that complicated. It basically uses the same system as the Fighting Fantasy books but with Elan, Effort and Fists instead of Skill, Stamina and Luck. Actually now I think about it there are a few differences but I'll tell you about those when we come to them. Skipping all that for now:



An Adventure Sheet. In this game most items you can't directly use go in the Junk pile, anything you can equip (boosting Elan, Effort, giving a special effect) goes in Equipment. Trophies are just this game's name for monsters, when you fight them you're meant to fill in the details in that section. I'll keep this updated as we go.

In this game we're going to play the titular Bastard Elf, actually a half-elf who's been kicked out of home. At the end of each section we're usually presented with a choice or a test of one of our stats (and sometimes a fight). Since this is an LP I'd like whoever's reading this thread to make the choices. We'll go with whichever is most popular or interesting. I've played this before so I'll try to avoid steering us into dead ends, although by the standards of early 80s gamebooks this one is pretty good about not killing you off because you went right instead of left two choices in. Anyway let's get started. Since character generation is randomised there's no room for choice, so I'll just do it:

For Elan I rolled 2. Halving that I get 1 and add 6, giving us the great Elan score of 7. Our Elf is not off to a great start, although there are items that give boosts to this stat.
For Effort I rolled 9, giving us an Effort score of 90. Not bad, and it should offset the low Elan a bit.
Of course we have 2 Fists. And no wounds yet (more on that later if it comes to it):



Now let's read on and get to the first choice of the book:





Hmm, looks like the damage is worse than expected. No matter, this gamebook was known for being pretty exhaustive when it comes to choices (there's a reason it's the size of a phone book). If you can think of it it's probably in here.

So dear goons, I need two decisions from you for now:


1. What three items do we take with us?
(The book makes reference to a list but a lot of that has been chewed too, but if you can think of it it'll probably be in the list.)

2. What's our first move?


I'll scan as fast as I can to keep things moving but there may be a day or so of downtime between updates.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 30, 2015 around 22:59

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Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Final character sheet





The main story:





















+ =














+=













+ =





---------------------------------

Bat Labyrinth side quest

+ =

+ =






+ =


---------------------------------

Endings reached

1.
2.
3.
4.

--------------------------------

Stuff hoarded


--------------------------------

Beasts encountered



--------------------------------

Credits


and you, i guess

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 30, 2015 around 08:52

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Fetus Tree posted:

i quickly check m'larder for how many salts i have

Checking page 20 it says that Jeff won't let you back in the house to look, and that your mother is disappointed in you.

If you meant your larder as in what you're carrying, page 126 says there's a good assortment of mixed salt deposited in loose form at the bottom of your bag.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

At the moment it looks like Sword (Bastard), 10ft Dungeoneering Pole and Pet are winning, with Screaming Incoherently and Fleeing into the Woods Until Bleeding being the starting point for this adventure. The Tasty Burg (including difficult-to-open sauce, salt and pepper sachets) or perhaps a Bow (with Arrows) are still strong contenders for pack space. Will check again in a couple of hours before I update.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

djwetmouse posted:

>Add 2 to ELAN, 10 to EFFORT, and 18 to FIST. Who's gonna stop you?

The only limit is yourself. Unfortunately we're playing a lovely half-elf so the limit's pretty low.

Based on my counting the three items we've got are the Bastard Sword, Ten-Foot Dungeoneering Pole and the Tasty Burg (with individual condiment sachets). All good, solid choices. A little about them from the item table which I'll scan in and add to the OP later on.

The Bastard Sword of the Elf (not to be confused with the Sword of the Bastard Elf) is an Elven bastard sword, which is a bizarre hand-and-a-half rapier and it's really only suited for poking holes in things. Like every other piece of Elvish crap it's stupidly over-embellished with leafy decorations and questionably tasteful gemstones. Effects : +1 Elan in combat.

The Ten-Foot Dungeoneering Pole is a very tall archaeologist by the name of Karol Jan Myśliwiec. He's been your loyal companion for years even if you don't share many interests or speak much Polish. No general effect although he might come in handy in some situations. He's glad to have been invited along.

The Tasty Burg can be eaten at any time to restore 20 Effort or heal 1 injury.All the Individual Sachets of Condiments can be used at the same time to boost the effect to 30 Effort or 2 injuries, or they can be kept aside to use later on for some other purpose.

Found the missing bit of the page we were on:



so, letting our emotions get the better of us we come to 180:



Right, so combat rules. Unlike most of these games fighting is a choice. You can choose not to fight and take the consequences - in this case a wound (we were healthy before the forest, then injured coming in, so we will be seriously injured). However, we will not waste any Effort.

If we do choose to fight, you decide how much Effort you want to put into winning, up to a maximum of your Elan score. You then roll as many D6s as you have Fists, and pick the highest dice score. Add that to the Effort number you picked. If it exceeds the enemy's Effort score, you win and you knock one point of its toughness. Knock all points off its toughness to win. However, win or lose, the Effort you spent is deducted from your total, and at zero Effort it's game over. You can give up on winning a fight at any time so long as you can survive the consequences (it doesn't take you below the skull level of health) but all Effort spent during the fight is lost.


Since in this case we will not die no matter what we choose to do in the fight, I need to know two more things from you :

1) Fight the bat for the belt or take the beating we probably deserve?

and

2) What's the next step in this epic quest?

Current character sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jun 24, 2015 around 21:28

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Looks like the general idea is to fight the bat (bending over and pretending to be a lady bat will earn us a kicking, the bat doesn't swing that way). After that the front-running option is humiliate the bat and/or make him help. Alternatives so far:

Use the Pole on the tree to get a look around
Pick flowers for Dad
Go in that bat cave and cuck the bat


I'll check how things stand in a few hours then post the update.

FRINGE posted:

We roll 18 dice for FISTS, so we are pretty much guaranteed a 6. We can save some effort.

Do we keep one or two dice? Is it 1d6 or 2d6?

Roll 2 dice, keep 1. Effort is used up each round as well (this fight will take at least 2 rounds) so it's best to use as little effort as possible, just like in real life.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jun 25, 2015 around 14:26

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

ANIME IS BLOOD posted:

> kill jester

But if you kill Jingle you won't be able to

Poland Spring posted:

"kill" the bat with sick elvish wordplay and shame him into giving you his belt, then cuck him

edit: oh it's FISTS, so, like, you can have hand puppets or something

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
e: And the ten foot pole can supply the backbeat

djwetmouse posted:

RAP BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!

You can imagine every battle is a rap battle if that helps. That's the magic of books, especially books that replace all the action with dice-rolling mechanics.

Update

Fixed the last page up:



I also dug around some more and found the cards that came with this game. Every item has its own card with a little picture and explanation of their effect or abilities, if any. Here's what we have:



You might notice I wasn't right about the Pole. If you have Karol you can try to use his help by adding 30 to the page number and turning to that page. If it makes sense then read on. Some people wanted to get Karol to help out in the fight so I used his ability to see what happens. Turning to 210:



Nothing useful. We have to fight this thing on our own.

Combat:

We have Elan 7, +1 from the sword, giving us a total of 8. We can commit up to 8 Effort to each round. We have two Fists so roll 2D6 and add the higher of the two numbers to the amount of Effort committed.

The Bat has an Effort rating of 9 and a toughness of 2. Shouldn't be very hard but it'd be best not to risk losing a round. I go for 6 Effort per round, meaning we need 4+ on either dice to win. In future I'll get the thread to work out the battle strategy.

First roll is a 4 and a 2, giving us 10 and bringing the Bat's toughness down to 1.
Second roll is a 6 and a 1, giving us 12 and winning the fight. I add the Bat to the trophy list on the sheet.


We lost a total of 12 Effort doing that - even winning a battle can be bad news, which is why sometimes it's best to throw them if you have the option. We have 78 Effort left. But hey, Sweet Belt.



This adds an extra Fist, at least temporarily. We now have 3 Fists.

Back to the matter at hand - the thread seems to be generally in favour of taking their frustrations out on the Bat and maybe shaking him down for info, so let's do that. Turn to 33:



This page is complete, even if suspiciously stained and mysteriously stuck to the page before it. +5 Effort is handy, even if we gain it through questionable means.

We now have a choice as to how our adventure will continue : the Pixie Glade, the Big Rock Goblin Mountain or here, with the woman (wombat?) of our dreams.

Finally, here's the updated adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jun 25, 2015 around 23:05

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Claven666 posted:

Fight the bat someone must pay for Jeff's crimes against half-elfmanity

indicate via pantomime that Karol should climb a tree and figure out where you are in relation to your house

Karol isn't much of a climber. He's a dungeoneering Pole so probably more useful underground than outdoors.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

pixaal posted:

Pay the lady 10 leaves and go to pixies.

The elf never tipped in his life and he's not going to start now.

naem posted:

Op is this an actual book or are you a drat genius

I would never waste GBS's valuable time and server space with a fake book.

Pixies are currently narrowly in the lead. Will check again in a few hours to see what y'all picked.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

almost1337 posted:

>skip to 63

haha you've clearly read this book before. I've nearly finished scanning in the Pixie pages, I'll scan in the alternate path you've excavated while I'm at it.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

I lied, I ran out of time and couldn't get the scanning done on the alternate path, will post tomorrow time permitting.

Update

We're going for the Pixies. Personally I think you made a mistake, the goblins are a bunch of cool, chilled out bros whereas pixies...well, gently caress pixies.

First should mention this because it's the reason why this game has loot cards in the first place:

Arkanomen posted:

293 and snake that sick armor and shield. She can't see very well so she wont notice you taking it with you.

Unlike most of these books you can take whatever you see in any scene so long as there are loots cards for those items. There actually are loot cards for the armour and shield, and here they are:



The shield gives us a saving throw of 4+ on 1D6 against any negative effects from losing a combat round. Some monsters inflict injuries or break equipment or whatever so this can be handy. But since the elf is a weed, he gets exhausted swinging a heavy shield around. While we have this item, every time we do something that uses Effort it will cost us one extra Effort.

The plate armour doesn't help because the elf isn't trained to fight or even move in armour, this armour was made for a 200-pound knight rather than a scrawny sack of bones and so it won't fit, someone needs to help you into and out of it, a human died in it and just kind of fermented in there so it stinks, and so on. But it goes in our inventory because why not.

Anyway, things. 169:



Putting the food question to one side for a sec, on to 200:



Decisions needed :

1) Do you want to eat the Tasty Burg or save it for later and use the Rations?
2) Do you want to use the shield?
3) Next moves.


I'll update the adventure sheet once I know what we're doing about rations and the shield.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jun 27, 2015 around 00:24

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Poland Spring posted:

Guys it's the sapphire rosť of Francis the Black, the king of the pixies! We totally need to swig that poo poo, even if he's going to get gigantically pissed off. Hell, maybe he's offering it to us and will be pissed if we DON'T drink it, you never know with pixies.

for the last time this book was made in the early eighties, an era before the Pixies roamed the Earth

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Well I got a straight answer on food (we're burgin'), and the shield (the game doesn't distinguish between you wearing the shield on your arm, back or rear end, if it's not in an unruly heap with the rest of your garbage it's equipped.)

I used the Burg to heal the minor injury since we have high Effort already. Updated sheet:




Scurrilous posted:

I say take the potion, but don't drink it. Eat the burger, since you're going to need it before those bastard pixies are through with you.

As far as I remember* a lot of those potion effects ended up being pretty useful and/or got you killed in amusing ways. Unless labeled or written into the encounter you'd roll for random effects on new potions, poisons and so forth. Gambling on a potion and having the last of your effort leak away from magical dysentery is always a fun way to go.

*My copy of this dissolved into a heap ages ago when my basement flooded.

That's a shame, I can't find an undamaged copy anywhere. Almost every one of these things has vanished or been destroyed in suspicious circumstances. You're right though, potions in this game are unpredictable and fun. Even potions in written encounters can give you brain damage or a wicked case of gas:



Anyway back to the issue at hand. I counted two pansies begging the pixies for admission, three tough guys who want to smash their way in, three people who want to drink the potion, one person who wants to not drink the potion but pretend they did, one person who wants to go back the way we came and try our luck with the goblins and four people who want to pocket the potion no matter what. It's too close to call. I've found the page part now, so just select from the options on the page, ta:



Pretty sure the first and last options include snagging the potion but not drinking it.


TL;DR - Do we :
Beg for Mercy,
Do What We're Told, or
Stand and Fight?

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jun 27, 2015 around 18:55

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

"Good" move. I'll check back tomorrow some time to see if we're going to definitely cave in to the pixies.

In the meantime I snagged this off some rube on Ebay for just over a hundo:



It's a Bestiary for this series of books, with only a couple dozen pages missing! I'm not sure why they bothered making this because every critter has like two stats and they tell you everything you need to know about them every time you encounter them, but whatever. Here's the entry for pixies, since we're soon going to be encountering them one way or another:

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Thanks for your patience, lots of scanning tonight and a crappy scanner. Anyway I counted 10 for attacking (including eating and enslaving as attacking, because those are pretty aggressive moves), 9 for drinking the suspicious potion off that weird tree trunk, and 1 for begging for mercy. Attacking it is...





That Pixie has a Fist score, which means you have to roll a dice and add it to his Effort score. You must beat that score to win.

I decided to spend 5 Effort to pummel him, since we have 3 Fists and he has only 1. He'd have to get a 6 to win a round, and he got a 4. His Effort score is 9, so we need a total of 10 to win.

I rolled 6, 3 and 3. Taking the highest of those scores and adding it to that 5 Effort gives us 11, which beats him.


That actually cost us 6 Effort because of the shield. Moving on to 95...



Well, you asked for it (64):



Two things going on here. Before we continue with the fun and awesome consequences of eating the corpses of sentient beings:

almost1337 posted:

>skip to 63

This was when we were back in the Bat Cave on page 33 and I promised to eventually show you this path too. This leads to one of the game's endings so I will follow along with this path while we progress through the main story. We'll continue into the passage as the other option just goes back to the choice about the Goblins or the Pixies.

Leaving that to future updates, we're cannibals now (sort of), and tripping balls at that. We lose 1 Elan until we sober up and it's time to roll for potion effects.




Rolling 2D6 on the potion table, I get

pixaal posted:

Drink the potion and pray to whatever god you believe resides over luck for a 4 or 5. Grandma was always an rear end in a top hat and we need to put her down.

Harald posted:

>find the #1 GILF

1 and 3. Grandma! Here's her entry from the Bestiary:



Grandma's bad news, she's Effort 12 and we're down a point of Elan. We can still swing it using the maximum effort of 7... and I did it, taking three rounds and costing 24 Effort after the shield is taken into consideration. We're down to 53 Effort.

Having survived that bad trip we move on to our next decision:



What's the next move?

up to date Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jun 29, 2015 around 07:49

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Slightly more in favour taking of a nap, and the Elf will definitely pick over the corpses for loot and such. Will check back in a couple of hours then go with the most popular/funniest option.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Some good news : I've finally found a new copy of this book on Ebay! Should be with us for tomorrow's update. No more torn, old pages gumming up the scanner!



UPDATE



We chose to mess around with the corpses, get some looting in, and take a nap.So, page 50.



Why, yes, we are tripping balls, thank you for asking. Seeing how the solution to covering up our murder spree is pretty straight forward, I can't see how...





oh.

Loot first:


plus 400 teeth for the cost of 11 Effort (10 Effort plus the shield). Not a bad trade-off.

Anyway we've summoned something. Turning to the relevant table...
...
It's been torn out. Great.

If any of you have a working memory of this book or, better still, are reading along with your own copy, could you please roll on the table and let me know what abomination we've let loose on the world with our horrible, horrible choices?

Adventure sheet :

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

I kinda remember them having this book at the library and while I don't remember all the options on the table the one that kinda stuck out was the souls of all the newly damned pixies, bound to serve the one who raised them. I don't remember what a batallion of mutilated hell pixies were good for tho

The Pixie Revenant? It's about as much use as an equivalent number of live pixies.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Poland Spring posted:

Hmm, seems like people have copies from different editions. I hear that some of the demons pissed off some Christian mom groups or something, so they had to reprint with something tamer.

Yeah, a bunch of Christian groups went around and ripped out a bunch of pages from any copy they could find. A lot of what's in the few copies still floating around are fan inserts to make the books playable again. Anyway, if the thread could pick one of these, I'd be most obliged. They're all respectable choices.

The Prince of Shards
A Shade
Undead Pixie Behemoth
Negative-us
Large PhalloKnight
One-Eyed Willy
Some other godforsaken thing



Arkanomen posted:

I think I remember also that type and stats were disconnected because of the nature of chaos and all that. It was more for fluff for jerk players that tried to go all evil and that. We are an elf, not a demon wrangler.

Looks like it's a Shade with

6x2: 12 Effort
4x1: 4 Toughness
2x1: 2 fists


The stats for all the demons on that chart are ridiculous. That Shade would pull the elf apart like a delicious rotisserie chicken.

E: vvv added

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jun 30, 2015 around 16:26

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

almost1337 posted:

I definitely remember the PhalloKnight being one of the more interesting options - much moreso than the Shade, at least. Unfortunately, I also recall The Prince of Shards as the only one who you could actually beat in chess. One of my favorite almost-wins was challenging The Prince of Shards to a high stakes chess game played with pieces made from pixie bits.

That's right. If you guys want to challenge the demon to chess then it'll have to be the Prince of Shards. Each demon has its own smart-assed way to defeat it.

Anyway, because I wasn't lying about following the thread on the secret tunnel in the bat cave earlier (starting at 63):





Decision here is just go left or go back.

You might have noticed that the second post in this thread is being kept updated with the story so far. I'll add a section for the bat cave choices. From now on all of the main questline stuff will be scanned from my new book - the alternate line will be from the old book, because I've already scanned most of the pages involved. This'll make the updates easy to tell apart, but to avoid confusion please let me know which questline you're talking about if you make suggestions.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

I believe we can narrow our demon down to Prince of Shards, Shade and Phalloknight.

Bestiary entry on those three, might help give you some idea of what we're dealing with:



Pick whichever one looks the most like what the elf deserves.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Bat-cave update:

HJE-Cobra posted:

Wait, we can use Karol here, I'm sure! With the whole add-30-to-page-number thing to use him. This seems right up his alley, he must know what to do! What's on 129?


loquacius posted:

Yeah, I vote this, Karol is in his element. Keep following him.

Good call, you guys are getting the hang of this:




fancy sauces posted:

(Temple) go left.

hoping that Karol will go first, to block darts, boulders, fiendish rats, lava and/or cave-ins with his ungainly polish frame



----

Main quest update:

Phalloknight seems to be the winning pick. Will check again shortly. For now I'm having a fight with my scanner, it's being an arse. Hopefully it doesn't cause any further delays.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

This is the first update with the new book. Finally we can LP this game the way it's meant to be LPed, with pages not yellowed with age, torn to shreds and covered in a medley of fluids.


Warning: This update involves a huge pile of cocks. If you are reading the adventures of the Bastard Elf at work then make sure your boss isn't hanging around.

.

..

...

....

.....


Main Quest Update

You asked for Phalloknight, you cannot un-ask for it.





and goddamnit the scanner is on the fritz

Our choice here is to fight or do something else. Refer to your copy of the book for now for the options, I'll get the bastard scanner fixed in the meantime.

How do we get ourselves out of this one?

No changes to the adventure sheet since last time.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Coohoolin posted:

is the elf a virgin? otherwise give the phalloknight chlamydia or genital herpes.

Earlier on the Elf was deflowered by a randy forest bat. We don't have those items listed on the adventure sheet though and the goons ITT neglected to pick up the loot cards when they had the chance.

Most of the suggestions given so far are in the book so I'll scan those in this evening.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update

Kicked the scanner and it started working again. Here's where we left off. As you can see most of the options suggested by the thread are in there.



As this is the first "boss" battle I thought it'd be good to scan in the outcome for most of the options.

Arkanomen posted:

Just kick him in the nuts

This is a straight-up attack, which I resolved and lost because this thing is basically impossible. I rolled a 5 on the saving throw we get from that shield so got to try again. He beat me a second time and I failed the saving throw. 18 effort lost and a trip to page 260 where...


pop

So if attacking's out of the question because winning is impossible, let's try the other ways out of this mess:

Solice Kirsk posted:

A) I want that illustration as my avatar
B) Stick sword in the mounts pee/eye hole to win a re-SOUNDING victory.

Dreggon posted:

Below where our cock would be (if we weren't facing the other way) is a visible, literal eye of the penis! Stab it for massive damage!

loquacius posted:

What is unsexy enough to dissuade a phalloknight by its mere description? Better to strike for the weak spot. If nothing else, we can force the knight to dismount; that should knock its stats down a little!

Turning to 275:



Hmm.

Xelkelvos posted:

It's easy. Just thrust pixie dust into the vulnerable urethra.

311 (face, not urethra, but same deal with these guys really)



Maybe trying to get behind it...


Applewhite posted:

Get behind him and attack his weak point for massive damage!

Pyroi posted:

Initiate Delta Formation.

116



gently caress.

I didn't bother scanning the pages for trying to ruin his boner with words or talk him into realising you're not a valid target under the laws of chivalry. They share the common theme of there being no time anyway - before you could wreck his action you are hit with a huge spear. Same deal for running, you just get run through back to front instead of front to back.

Finally, there's this:

Volume posted:

bend over and take it

Dr Cheeto posted:

Be the sneaky, cowardly bastard you are

31



Well what do ya know. Always bet on being a piece of poo poo in this book, I guess. It cost a fair bit of health but there's no way to get through this without getting hurt.

Finally we reach our next decision point after a lot of words...



goddamn that scanner... anyway:

What do we do with the Knight (if anything)?

Next update won't be so long, I just wanted to show off a boss battle. We'll go with the single most popular/good choice next time as usual.

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2015 around 23:47

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update:

Sorry the update's late tonight. The new book gave me a paper cut while I was scanning it. Nothing too serious but I had to go to hospital and get a few stitches. Apparently it somehow cut me down to the nerves and I might never straighten my right index finger again? I'm really more upset about the new book, it's kind of ruined now

Here's the properly scanned image, don't mind the smudges, it's not as bad as it looks:



A pretty even split between the options to finish him off using the pixie dust and to heal him up. One of these options leads to the very first endings that you can get to in this game, so let's check that out first:

Claven666 posted:

i wonder what would happen if we saved his life?

Pyroi posted:

Let's try to help him, and see if we can become allies.


It's not the worst ending possible but it would have been good to find Dad and maybe get a real Sword of the Bastard Elf instead of a figurative one. At least Jeff got what was coming.

Epic High Five posted:

Now that it's likely not going anywhere, I'd like to Toss pixie dust on him, and while it takes effect I shall regale him in excruciating detail of my amorous affair with the bat creature to ensure his hallucinations are entirely of my plowing a giant wombat

I guess maybe he'll kill himself or something and then we can loot it? I just want to do this to be a dick because elves are 100% assholes 100% of the time

On this note, checking out page 347:



Rolling for potion effects again (we don't lose the Elan because we have a Pixie-skin Cloak equipped):



I got snake eyes. Rerolled and got 4. We had to fight a Granny and we only had 6 Elan, which means it was unbeatable. Sorry guys, adventure over.

Trying again, I rolled 8, which made this a very useful healing potion instead of a potion of dying of hallucinations. Potions in this game are scary.

Now with the Knight finally out of the picture, we can select one piece of loot from the corpse before moving on... what do we take?

As usual, here's the updated adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 4, 2015 around 02:36

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

almost1337 posted:

We should check on Karol, and then use the condiment packets to salt his wounds, angering the Phalloknight further and goading it into making a mistake.

Karol didn't do anything this time round but he's more useful when dungeoneering than he is at dealing with murderbeasts.

King of Bleh posted:

This CYOA is just the swellest . Given all the talk about long thin poles, I'm curious if there's any bonus result on 275 + 30?

Thanks, it's a pity this book has been mostly forgotten aside from a couple of terrible fan sites. There was nothing for Karol on 275 but if we tried to use him on the page leading up to that decision (98) he would have cussed us out and ditched us.


Epic High Five posted:

Incredible work so far btw OP, having failed spectacularly at piecing one of these rare books together from two beaten to hell copies I stumbled on in part of my brother's comic book collection I bought off him wholesale I know your pain.

Interestingly enough, one copy (which had apparently had its own wombat-tier "incident" with an eclair doughnut) was eaten by ants, but the other copy that was actually in decent shape was literally carried off by ants to an unknown location after they had eaten the first. This is interesting, I need not tell you of course, because of the bit with ant colony later on if you (correct me if I'm wrong here) chose to attend the gala dressed in the barrel and 1 shoe.

I thought it was pretty odd at the time but now that everybody here is sharing stories as to the mysterious ways copies of this book have left their possession it makes me wonder.

edit - while I mourn the loss of my two copies, I do live next to a library, and I take solace in my firmly held belief that the ants in question may be librarian ants who have chosen to restore the books to pristine condition and keep them forever out of the hands of humans who clearly cannot be trusted

Thanks, there's definitely something strange about these books, they seem to want to get away from us for some reason. They're hard to keep in good condition at least. I think I just ruined the last pristine copy in existence.
Anyway, that is weird about the ants, we might encounter them during this playthrough if the thread plays its cards right.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 4, 2015 around 02:23

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Speleothing posted:

It seems to me that the only thing that won't be grossly too heavy to use would be the helmet. But there's a lot of strange stuff in this book, so maybe I'm wrong

Yeah it's got an almost improvisational tone. Helmet's not a bad choice even though it fits over the Elf's entire upper torso.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Main quest update

BadgerSeat posted:

Loot the phalloknight and be on your way to bilgeton



Although the last page said to take one item it's pretty easy to take the wrong thing here and get locked out of some possible endings. There's no time limit here so let's just assume the Elf scoops up everything he can carry and/or cut off.

Carlton Fisk posted:

The Phalloknight's helm could be used as an impromptu shelter or clothing... or more importantly as proof you slew a Phalloknight. Bilgeton and a few tales later (in which we omit the part where we summoned the thing in the first place) and I bet we're stuffed full of sweet jingly coin.

The helmet is big, but fine - if we want to equip it it gives us a bonus to Elan in combat and a malus out of combat.As you say it could be useful up ahead though so whether we equip it or not let's just take it.



Epic High Five posted:

Good idea! We can eat the testicles on the spot so no need for them to go into the inventory, and with how low our Effort is now I'm sure we're famished. I vote In addition to looting the PhalloHelm, we feast on a testicle to gain the virility our spindly and meek frame needs so badly

There's a loot card for the testicle, so let's have it. You can either eat it for some useful effects or hold onto it for a situational effect:



Dreggon posted:

take the 'eye' from his steed, it's small and not technically part of the knight's armor so it should be free right? you don't have to do this if the eye loot card turns out to be from an endgame area though we don't want to break the book

also i cannot help but notice that his sword does not match the one in the bestiary. is this the censored UK version?

Why not. I'm not sure what it does though.



To answer your question the Phalloknight in the Bestiary is probably a different knight, they're all meant to have their own unique gear. I think the shield has a different device on it too. This enemy appears a tedious number of times throughout the series and is probably the main reason the books got ditched by the publisher.

Claven666 posted:

am i right in thinking the Phalloknight is some sort of dick centaur type dude, i.e. we can't look his cock steed because it's his own dick?

Yeah, and even if it wasn't part of him, we just killed it.

A_Bug_That_Thinks posted:

Take his pills of monumental ejaculation.

No loot card for that but the testicle will do the trick I think.

Moving on to 55:



The main decisions here:
a) Do we want to wear the dick helmet or just carry it around?
b) Do we eat the testicle or save it for later? Not much of a choice this time but after all we've been through we could use a breather.

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2015 around 23:45

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Alternate quest update

Rounding the bend we get this (108):



Choice is either to take the next right or head back.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 5, 2015 around 02:26

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

BadgerSeat posted:

There are two testicles though, couldn't we eat one and take one for the road or was the second testicle damaged too much in the 'fight'?
Also, wear the helmet.

There's only one loot card. Anyhow, we shouldn't bogart the testicles. Leave some for the next guy.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Speleothing posted:

Blues Brothers came out in 1980, this series started in '82-ish.

This was the subject of countless flame wars on the old Two-Fisted Fantasy ezboards. I think it's a coincidence. The author was supposed to be some kind of shut-in who lived out in a woodland cabin so I doubt he ever saw any of the movies he's supposed to be referencing.

Main Quest Update

The popular option is to wear the helmet, save the testicle and eat the Elf Rations.

Epic High Five posted:

Eat elf rations for sure, making sure of course that we are not eating any elf currency. Definitely gotta save that oyster to impress someone later on like

Since you've obviously been reading the entries out of context this will come as no surprise (312):



It was just leaves and junk anyway and we got 10 EFFORT out of it. We still have our valuable teeth as a backup currency as well as a whole bunch of junk we're hauling around which we can possibly fence later on.

Anyway turning to 106...



We've stumbled across a royal picnic or something along the road to Bilgeton. We saw them before they saw us, which is good because it looks like they've got guards.Of course my scanner is on the fritz again so hopefully the thread can recall what options were available on this page.

Anyway what's the plan? We could just ignore them and keep hiking but we've got a long way to go and they've got transport, food and other stuff we could use, if they could be convinced to help us out.

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Mojo Threepwood posted:

Walk into their camp and ask if you can share their stewpot. Add pixie bits, and when it is time to eat excuse yourself to pee behind a tree. Wait ten minutes for the pixie bits to take effect, then emerge wearing only the helmet and pixie cloak.

Mojo Threepwood posted:

We used the pixie grindings we had, but we still have pixie bits to make more. Let's grind it up with the cockeye to see what happens.


A few votes for this. Wander into the camp, say hello, poison them with the rotting animal bits you're lugging around while their backs are turned.


RandomPauI posted:

There's usually archery contests nearby these camps right?

Dare them to shoot an apple off your head

Grand Prize Winner posted:

Walk up and greet them. You remember a little Humanese from Mom's old phrasebook. Approach the eldest matriarch and say "Hey, baby nice tits." This apparently translates to "greetings, elder superior. I have peaceful intent."

A couple votes for something roughly along the lines of "go in and say hello, don't poison anyone but still be a huge dick about it."

Al Borland posted:

I may be a bit late on this, but shouldn't we Skin the demonic scrotum and turn it into a comfy leather armor set for our elf? The toughness of the hide and the lightness of the weight is perfect for our scrawny body.

That thing is rotting several hours behind us, and the Elf knows as much about making leather armour as he does about anything else.

WIll check back in a couple hours then scan the pages in. I don't want to scan more than I have to because it damages the book and because the book somehow rips me to pieces every time I touch it. Doc says I might lose that fingat

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 6, 2015 around 17:06

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update

We're a little over half way through this playthrough, I think!



Naturally we're going to poison them (221):



Since we're walking right up to these guys and saying "hello" the book is checking on how horrible we look. We scored 15/10 by my count, which is unbearably horrible.



We use our Cockeye and Pixie Bits as per the thread's instructions. This will be important later on. And we get into a fight with a sort of tough opponent.

So a three-part question here:

1.Do we fight the guard? If so, how much effort should we sink into it? If we lose we'll wind up in the Bilgeton dungeon probably with all of our loot gone.

2. What two items are we stealing from the tent? The loot cards associated with this room are things you'd find in a noble's tent, crap like musical instruments, weapons, fancy clothes, money, etc.

3. If we aren't getting nabbed by the guards, how do we escape?

As usual, the adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 7, 2015 around 23:56

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

HBar posted:

Lacks polish, eh? Karol, take us to page 68!

everyone else posted:



Honestly didn't think you'd spot that, you clever bastards. Karol-heavy update tonight.

I never noticed this before but if you don't take the Dungeoneering Pole at the start you miss out on a lot of content.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Main quest update



Skipping ahead to 68 we get:



So no more Karol (for a while at least). In return we get a much easier fight, a "potion" (really a food ration), 200 gold pieces and an extra item from the tent.

Here's the Marching Potion:



Main quest decisions:

1. Do we still want to contaminate the camp with mixed pixie bits and the cockeye?
2. Fight the guard or get captured? (not fighting the guard is the same as losing as far as the book is concerned, we will be captured)
3. Assuming we are not captured, what 3 items do we take before making a break for it? And by what means should we escape?

Adventure sheet :


-----------------------------------------------------

Alternate timeline update



Options are to carry on or go back, as usual. Not much of a maze really.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

We encountered Humans at last, so here's the Bestiary entry for a typical human. It may come in handy:



This doesn't apply to Karol of course. There's a separate entry in here for Poles for some reason.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 8, 2015 around 14:54

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Thanks for votes. So far it's

Save the ingredients by a large margin

Fight the guard by an even larger margin

Take: clothes and royal jewels (4 votes for each)

Leave on horseback but not before framing Jeff

The only remaining choice is the third item : the instrument and the codpiece are neck and neck. The next post that suggests either of those two will decide the issue, or I'll pick one at random failing that.

Update coming shortly, just wrestling with the scanner and injuries as usual.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

You said Codpiece first. Your dreams of a musical career are now dust. Update to follow soon!

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Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Main quest update

We've decided to fight the guard:



This should be a really easy fight - Effort 8, toughness 1. We have 3 fists so I set aside 4 Effort and roll a 5, a 3, and a 1 on the Sweet Belt's dice.



The guard is beaten but it cost us the belt, which is now snaking around looking for a new owner. Godspeed, gentle belt. For now we're back to 2 fists. That fight cost us 5 effort overall due to the shield.

Moving on, we keep the Marching Potion and 200 gold from the last update. We've also chosen decent clothes, jewellery and a codpiece.



Wrapping things up we turn back to 38:



We give credit to Jeff for what we've done here, then we pinch a horse and ride for it. Here's the horse:



And moving on to our next decision point:



(again with the broken scanner - and I left the book in the kitchen and it somehow got covered in grease too...I hate my housemates )

We lose 6 Effort here, again because of the shield.
Now, do we want to take a little while to ride over to that tower and sort out the Wizard of Warlock Tower on behalf of our useless brethren? Or is there something else that we should be doing?

Finally we will need a decision about the nice clothes - eventually we'll probably want to be wearing them because it'll be easier to fit in around civilised people, but in the meantime do we want the extra FIST in exchange for the loss of 1 Elan and the saving throw (neither of which have done us heaps of good so far, but you never know)? If we equip the decent outfit we can't wear our ugly helmet or lug around the shield any more.

Adventure sheet:

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