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  • Locked thread
Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Epic High Five posted:

Warlocks don't have skeleton hordes, that's necromancers. They're obviously lying. loving elves, burn down a tree while staring at them. Surprise magical gift my rear end, it's the pixies all over again

I do think we should have a chat with that necromancer, and that we should keep our armor on, including the PhalloHelm, in order to impress him and make him less likely to horribly kill and rob us because we're wearing fancy clothing

Also, what does the faint background writing on the adventure scroll say, I can only make out a few words and am slightly hoping that it's the lyrics to August and Everything After

It's the Wizard of Warlock Tower, necromancy is totally in a wizard's wheelhouse.

I have no idea what the erased writing on the adventure sheet says. I can only assume it's evidence of many happy adventures through the world of the Bastard Elf.

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Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Solice Kirsk posted:

Also, how much pixie parts/dust do we have left? Enough for one more use or can we squeeze two or three out of them?

There are enough Pixie Bits for one "use", whatever that means. According to the rambling discussion on the online forums Pixie Bits come from a different part of the pixie than the Grindings so they don't have the same effect.


So far we're keeping the armour on, and for whatever bizarre reason we're going to eat that huge testicle right in front of the elves with the condiments (4 votes) or head on over to the tower to join forces with that wizard (3 votes)

Will check back in a couple hours to see what everyone wants to do.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

Assuming whatever 'surprise' these elves have got isn't just a stick enchanted to look like a stick or the magical treasure that was within you all along (it is)

I see you've read your Bestiary (or any of the other books in this series, elves are always pretty crap in these gamebooks):



So any plan involving screwing them over is probably a good one.

Mojo Threepwood posted:

I like this, but we should be economical about our kin slaying. We shouldn't just take the scalps and leave the blood for the next adventurer. This is our chance to move on from being a half elf to becoming a 60%, even 75% elf! I say we:

-Eat the testicle in front of the elves to cow them into submission and take prisoner

-March them up to the Wizards tower

-Offer the wizard jewelry and money to transfuse as much elf blood into us as possible

This looks to be the popular plan, but these books being what they are we're going to have to go one step at a time to get there, and you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and elves, etc.

MAIN QUEST UPDATE

The scanner is working again today after some persuasion. Here's yesterday's page:



Obviously going with the second option here as it's more likely to lead to the plan y'all have picked out. Turning to 192:



A pretty tough fight, but oddly it's limited to three rounds. We don't have the option to throw this one completely, but we could expend minimum Effort (1 per round - or 2 with the shield) to see what's coming up after 3 rounds.
We could also just kick the hell out of these elves as hard as possible because it's what Elvis would do and because it means they'll be weaker when we go to finish them off later on.

No change to the adventure sheet this time round.

-------------------------------------------------

UNDERGROUND WITH KAROL UPDATE

317



Once again, only one way forward (or back). But we're getting to the end of this maze I think. Karol's card doesn't do anything here because 347 is the page where we poisoned the dick knight with the pixie grindings a while back.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Yes, yes, very clever. The entry on 215 makes sense but sometimes using your items like this is a bad idea - we lost the Pole this way after all. So the choice is:

1) Terminate the elves with [maximum/minimum] prejudice or
2) Activate testicle

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Main quest update:

Nine people wanted to fight the elves vs seven for activating the testicle. Of those that wanted to fight the elves the majority wanted to beat the hell out of them, so we're going to do that.

First we have to fight three combat rounds against what appears to be kind of a weak opponent but is actually really vicious because they collectively have one Fist.

Gaggle of Elves - Effort 9 - Toughness 5 - Fists 1

To stand a real chance of hurting them we need to use the maximum Effort possible, which is 9 (our Elan score). With the loss of the Sweet Belt we now have only 2 fists and our enemy has 1. This means that with equal effort we should win most of the time against them, and this is actually what happens but at a large cost.

Round 1 : I use 9 Effort and roll 6 and 2 on our Fist dice. I roll 5 on their dice. The elves lose 1 toughness. We lose one extra effort because of the effect of our shield.
Round 2 : Again using 9 effort. I roll a 5 and a 2 for us and 1 for them. The elves lose another toughness and are down to 3. We again lose that extra point of effort.
Round 3: 9 effort again, I roll a 5 and 1 for us and 6 for them. They win that round, we spent 10 effort for no effect.


In the end we knock off two of their toughness at a cost of 30 effort. Even sort of winning fights in this game can really suck.

Turning to 181:



It was probably worth going all-out against these elves, since they had the potential to kick us nearly to death if we didn't.

They have 3 Toughness left and I roll 3 dice, all of them under 5. We get lucky and escape unharmed. Until the skeletons show up.

What do we do now? We don't have to fight the skeleton if we don't want to, but either way we'd better have a plan in case things go sideways.

Adventure sheet, note that we're pretty close to dying of a lack of effort.

PS : I intended to scan in the secondary questline update and a skeleton bestiary entry, but as you can see the scanner is borked. I'll try again tomorrow.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 12, 2015 around 01:46

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

I just want to point out that we have a couple of food items that will restore some Effort when used (if you can bear to part with anything, you hoarders). Using a loot card is normally a free action so you can still do whatever else you're planning.

Check the adventure sheet and the second post for details about our stuff.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Dreggon posted:

yeah this, they like skeletons but dont care for things that wear them (elves) but you arent an elf

Every creature in this game is actually pretty cool about half elves, they usually just hate elves and pixies. Humans refer to half-elves, half dwarfs and doublehalflings as "half-humans" and they're a pretty chill bunch in general.

Elves are just crap.

Anyway, the options I'm seeing here are:

Join forces with the skeletons for one reason or another: 5 votes
Challenge bones to a dance-off: 3 votes
Wait it out and see who kills who - 1 vote
Sneak off, stealing whatever's lying around. - 1 vote

To help with your decision here is the Skeleton Bestiary entry:



Speaking of these things, I found this on a cached geocities fan page:


As for our Effort problem, Atma correctly believes we should stop hoarding the testicle. You could also drink the Marching Potion. We can use both. Or we can just keep hoarding all our poo poo.

Here are the cards so you can see the effects:



Choice here is EAT[testicle/marching potion] or tough it out.

So far one vote for the testicle, will go for whatever has the highest vote in a couple hours.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

MAIN QUEST UPDATE

Amorphous Blob posted:

Eat Potion and then Testicle to offset the -elan.

It didn't occur to me that this was possible but it's actually a really good move. However the thread narrowly went for just eating the potion, so we'll do that for the time being.

-1 Elan, +20 effort.

Anyway, elves and skeletons. The scanner temporarily worked again so here's the last page:



We're going to help the Skeletons (135):



Which earns us a stab in the back. Fortunately we do have a saving throw from that shield we've been lugging around all day.

Need 4+ to save, rolled 4. We avoided the injury. The shield turns out not to be *completely* worthless for once.

The skeleton wants us to follow it, but should we? If we do what kind of attitude should we take to the Wizard?

Alternatively we could just spend some time to loot the corpses and hit the road to Bilgeton. Or we could do something else, check your copies of the book for options while I get the scanner working again.

Adventure sheet:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALTERNATIVE TIMELINE KAROL DUNGEON ADVENTURE UPDATE

Feels like we've been under the wombat cave for a while.

Anyway, our persistence finally pays off:



Ugh. Anyway did we learn a lesson? If so, what was it, and what should we do about it?

This will wrap up the alternative quest because it leads straight to one of the possible endings.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

loquacius posted:

I kind of want to see what would have happened if we actually followed the "got a lot of balls" instruction. Note that the loot card does not say "you may," implying that use of the testicle in that situation is not optional </MTGplayer>

The elves would be too intimidated to fight and we would have had the option of robbing them or frogmarching them to the wizard, which would have had an outcome pretty similar to what we just reached except you end up having to fight at least one skeleton. It's like a net saving of 20 effort tops.
You always have the choice with loot cards in the Two-Fisted Fantasy system. The only cards that don't give you a choice are equipment - if they're equipped they always have the effect on the card -which is why I sometimes ask if we want to equip an item or not.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 12, 2015 around 02:01

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Dreggon posted:

blow the minor injury to our back way out of proportion to guilt-trip the wizard into giving us cool poo poo

scam the wizard (but seriously we did take an axe to our back it does hurt)

e: scratch that, take a page directly out of The Outsorcerer's Apprentice, then hire an elf lawyer

we're off to sue the wizard

This is a good plan and cannot possibly go wrong.

It looks like we're going to make the skeletons wait, loot the battlefield a little, then go see the wizard and lay it on thick with the injuries to get a sweet payday out of him. Will check back soon to see if anything changed.


inkmoth posted:

Yo quote the /mtgplayer guy, if it is an optional ability we must choose yes (judge's tower ftw).


We fight.

The Advanced Two-Fisted Fantasy books pretty much took this tack and they were responsible for bankrupting the company (that and the effective boycott by Christian groups, and the suspicious fires which gutted their printing presses). If you want to play the hardcore mode through I'll scan in the whole book as a PDF after this LP and you can do your own playthrough.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Big main quest update



We're going along with the skeletons, but only after getting some looting in. 303:



Hogge Wild posted:

there's no point in looting the elves, those fuckers won't have anything useful

Elves are the worst. If they had anything on them, their compatriots would have stolen it in the process of fleeing. You find some twigs and bark.

Since this is an LP let's not leave this to chance - do you want the Elven Rations or somewhere between 20 and 120 Leaves (Elven currency)?

Let's meet the wizard:



As you can see, trying to wheedle compensation out of the wizard is a possibility so we can try that in the next update. We might need a follow up plan though.

1. Do we still want to get something out of her for the "injury" we received from her hench skelly?

2. What next?

---------------------------------------------------

Alternate quest -

No update tonight but a reminder that we need to make a final decision on the labyrinth questline. So far we have

Kajeesus posted:

We are the Minotaur. Our destiny is to be the bastard half-creature who rules the maze with an iron fist. Karol can help lure hapless wanderers if he wants, but no pressure.

Anything else or are we all happy with that outcome?

-------------------------------------------------------

Next update if I can ever get the scanner working again. Apologies for the quality of the book, it tried to throw itself in the deep fryer and I suffered some nasty burns trying to save it. These books are suicidal. Hopefully I can finish this LP before the book manages to off itself or me.

No changes to adventure sheet.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 13, 2015 around 11:30

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

the_steve posted:

1. Nah, I don't see us getting anywhere with that line of inquiry.
2. loving Yes we want in on caravan duty. Why? Because Aggie seems like the sort of person who will back the folks on her side, and more importantly, it's a chance to beat the everfucking hell out of some elves.
I think Elf Hunter should be our calling in life. We travel the countryside knocking the granola out of these fucks, and get paid to do it.


Beer4TheBeerGod posted:

gently caress elves. Let's ride.

This seems like a solid plan.

Hogge Wild posted:

gently caress, help the goddamn wizard

Speaking of this does the thread want to bust a move on the wizard (you've done worse) or just get on with the job?


Amorphous Blob posted:

Does the plate come off? There might be something behind it.


No, it's part of an extremely heavy-handed metaphor. There's just a wall behind it.

This is a map of the "maze" we've been in:

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Let's get this secondary quest squared away, will update on the main quest throughout the day tomorrow.

The completed page we were on previously:



Using Karol here doesn't work (261 is about fighting one of the demons we could have summoned earlier, the double-elf) ,so we go for 250 and reach ending:



If this ending doesn't satisfy, we can try using Karol one last time here:



Game over, but I guess we went down fighting, sort of. Whoever said earlier in this thread that killing Karol leads to a bad end was right.

Anyway, we're free of that side-quest now and can focus on the main event.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Epic High Five posted:

Ask the wizard lady if she wants to watch Deadwood with us

I think she may enjoy it. Just a guess

Deadwood is a fine show but I don't get the connection.

Update

Scanner working again, this happened last time:



Wisely deciding not to piss her off we accept the offer. Turning to 290:



The thread appears to be narrowly in favour of busting a move (24)



This works out well. If you don't make a move on her you don't get the Skeleton Friend, which is this thing:



Choices for now:

Since we're almost certainly about to go off to battle it might be worth looking at our equipment and deciding what we should be wearing.

To prioritise Elan and defence our current set up is good - we get +1 Elan from the helmet, +1 from the sword, and a save of 4+ on the shield at a cost of some extra effort each round.

To prioritise offence we can wear the DAPPER OUTFIT for +1 Fists instead, which will let us take more advantage of the Skeleton Friend but cost us the use of the helmet and the shield.

1 Do we change outfits?

2 What piece of loot do we want from the tower?

3 Equip Skeleton Friend? (this seems like a no-brainer but maybe you don't want a skeleton in your backpack?)

Adventure sheet:



By the way I forgot about the stuff we got off the elf corpses. I rolled for it and we came up with 60 Leaves which are now on the sheet for what they're worth (basically nothing).

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 15, 2015 around 09:45

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Looks like we're wearing the armour and keeping the skeleton (which will be named James Boned or Ronaldo Q. Jimbabwe.)

Dreggon posted:

1. wear sword and shield, put outfit on skeleton so he gets an extra fist

If you don't wear the clothes you can bet Skeleton Friend will be trying on your stuff in the bag.

As for the item:

Boots of Elvish Stomping, ahead with 3 votes
2 for the gauntlets
2 for an enchanted Polack
2 for the Robe and Wizard Hat


Also possible I guess:

The Wizard's bed
The Necromancer's undies
Bow of Burning Gold w. Arrows of Desire (ranged weapon)
An Bottomless Thermos of Scalding Soup
A Rusty Scythe of Scything

The fight coming up is tough so maybe go with something that will help there unless you're real confident. I'll check back again in a few hours and update.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 15, 2015 around 15:14

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop


This rules and I want to make an avatar out of it.

Araenna posted:

I vote for the soup as well. Pretty sure throwing hot soup at elves will gently caress them up. Don't they have extra delicate skin?

They say they do, but they don't really. It's just an excuse to get out of having to work on hot days.

Anyway, to the update:

Skeleton Friend has been christened James Boned:



I'm not going to draw on the last Skeleton Friend card in existence so I put it in a card sleeve first.

We picked the boots over soup:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULAAuq-kyRA



These will definitely help with mashing elves among other things.

If you're curious the bottomless flask of scalding soup :



It has situational uses but at this point in the game food rations aren't much of an issue any more (and since the soup is scalding hot you can't eat it anyway). I think we made the right choice.

Moving on to 66:



Sorry about the scan quality as usual. It looks like we're about to get jumped from both sides of the road. You can give an order to the skeletons and take a single action before all hell breaks loose.

1. What's the order?

2. What is the half-elf doing?

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 17, 2015 around 01:11

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

UPDATE

Carnival of Shrews posted:

Elves claim to be in tune with nature, but in reality, there's a reason why cavalry regiments are mainly human, with the occasional feisty halfling: elven mounts are usually stolen.

We have six horses, a valuable prize, and most of our skellies are farm workers. If we're not careful, the elves will quickly cut the reins (and our own throat), later discover our bonus hoard of coins and leaves, and use our hapless passengers for skittle games.

I suggest feigning terror, scattering some of Aggie's generous payment in the road together with all the elven leaves their own currency and seeing if the elves will start killing each other over it. We can then try kicking them to death, backed up by the three skeletons that are actually armed, and any of the worker skeletons fired up to wield their shovels.

(NB There's a reason Aggie is so hoarse: skeletons don't have good hearing and are not over-bright. Any complex or lengthy exhortation will probably be lost on them.)

All of this is more or less correct although no one seriously believes that elves have any link with nature, they're just monumentally lazy. Feigning surrender is an option under the defensive selection below, (as is the skeleton dance), but the thread went for:

Random Hajile posted:

SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER
WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE ELVES
USE YOUR BOOTS TO KICK THEIR ASSES
IF YOU WANT THEIR LOOT FOR YOURSELVES






We go on the offensive with a rousing speech (202):



And as we've decided to start using the boots (89):



The elf attack unfolds at a certain pace, as do our allies. We've seized the initiative and rushed ahead so now we're in a tight spot. Since the caravan is undefended and there are more elves coming from the other side it might be a good idea to blitz as quickly as possible, however it could get us killed or at least put our half-elf in danger. This time though we have a few options - we can use one of the listed items (in most cases this will destroy the item) or we can attempt to fight these elves until the skeletons finish off their current fight. If we decide to fight it will use the rules for multiple combatants which means that we pick a target each round, and that target is the only one that will be damaged if we win our attack - the other two will simply not damage us.

so it's
Pixie Bits
or
Condiments
or
Fight

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 17, 2015 around 01:40

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

forgot to mention that if you recall exactly what those options did it'd be helpful as I have three different versions of this book now and they all say something different (they're all pretty destructive though).

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 17, 2015 around 01:56

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Even split on condiments vs pixie dust. Next vote decides it and I'll get to scanning.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Dienes posted:

CONDIMENTS

Update shortly.

E: we might need this where we're going:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 17, 2015 around 16:10

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

We use up our condiments, and this happens:



I roll 1 for the shield saving throw, but we needed 4+. We get an injury. The ants take care of the rest, though.

Two elves down, one to go. Since it's a simple fight I'll just run through it:

I put in 6 effort, which means we need a 5 or 6 to hit on either of our two FISTS. I don't get it in our first round - we lose 3 effort as we're fighting an elf while wearing elf-stomping boots, plus another effort for carrying that shield.
I try again with 6 effort and we hit the elf. With only 1 toughness he goes down. 4 effort lost again for the same reasons as last round. The entire fight cost 8 effort.
. Outcome: we win.

Some crappy rolls this time, hopefully our luck improves because the boss of this area is a bastard.

Anyway, we can hear fighting at the caravan and there are at least some more elves ahead.
What should we do?

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

the_steve posted:

This reminds me: did this book have the item combination mechanic? Or was that in later books? I could have sworn I read something about combining a knife with boots if you had the item cards.

Yes, it does but it's a bit more limited than later books in the series. If there's a loot card for the combination you can do it, but you might wind up with something worthless and lose two items. Let me know if you see something you want combined.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 17, 2015 around 19:50

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Dreggon posted:

just checked trophies, did we forget to grab the underwear of the bat's wife?

Yeah but it's not important. The shield and plate armour are the trophies from that "conquest".



Epic High Five posted:

I remember my first playthrough I was hoping there was a Rod of Ant Control or something similar because, depending on the choices you make, the game can become a game of cat and mouse trying to avoid swarms of murderous ants.

In other news, since the ants in my back yard stole my last copy of SotBE, I've since caught them stealing scraps of paper from my printer's feed tray and glue stick ends. I think they may be trying to repair the book What it is with this book and ants? At least I'm not that guy on the usenet boards back in the day who got a copy only to discover the cover was slick with some sort of noxious chemical that ended up being ant pheromone, at least according to the coroner's report

I think they cheaped out with the glue in the binding. Whatever Nicaraguan hell-factory assembled these books used some strange substance that seems to attract ants, among other things. That's the most plausible explanation I've heard but it doesn't explain all the other things that go wrong with these bloody books. It's like they're cursed.


Update:

Outrail posted:

combine the Dapper Clothes and Codpiece

+ =

We now have the Imposing Attire instead of that other garbage.

Moving on:



Thread consensus is to head back. Turning to 80:



Decisions :

1 Do we want to beat the elf or should we throw the combat?

If we don't throw the combat:

2 What do we do about all these elves?

and finally

3 Should we wear our new costume?

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 20, 2015 around 12:03

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Epic High Five posted:

1) It's probably those terrifying goddamned ants behind us, so I vote we spray the remaining elves with any sweet sauces we may have left and dive for cover

2) If it's not the ants or something else totally dire and capable of elf murder, bean one of the archers with a rock and charge in

3) We should never remove this armor ever under any circumstance


It's not ants, it is probably something very unpleasant though. We're out of condiments but there are a couple of other disgusting things we're lugging around that might help.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 19, 2015 around 00:26

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Some combo of making GBS threads ourselves and buggering off is in the lead, with hocking the pixie bits at the elves being the fighting half-elf's option.

Will check in again at some point and scan the update.



good advice but who cares about the UK

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Outrail posted:

This and combine Imposing outfit with Armour.

Clothes are like voltron, the more you hook up the better it gets.

In this case you would wind up with Landsknecht Harness, which is really good armour but the half-elf is too pitiful to wear it.

Gridlocked posted:

Buy Crypt of The Bonelords off Amazons

Amazon doesn't carry it. I'd have to go to Two-Fisted Steve's ebay store again for another copy of that book. He wants a fortune for it and I missed a gas bill because of my last purchase from him.

Update:

We don't put on the new clothes - yet.

Last page, properly scanned (finally):



We decided to fight that elf.

I put aside 8 EFFORT, and rolled a 6 and a 3 for FISTS. Because of James Boned we re-roll any dice with 6 and add 6 to whatever number comes up. We get 4, totalling out to 18.
We annihilated the elf. 4 effort used because of the boots, 1 extra for the shield. 5 total.


Moving on, thread seemed to want to use the Pixie Bits at last. Turning to 148:



So, we gas ourselves. We take an injury and are now Severely wounded. Two more hits and we're dead.

We need to roll on the potion chart and subtract 1. I rolled 7:



This is actually a good thing - our gas problem gives us a temporary +1 to FISTS, and the pixie cloak saves us from the ELAN damage.

But now onto the toughest fight of the game so far.

Do we want to fight or cave in and beg for mercy? Or is there something else that we could do?

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Monkey Fracas posted:

We must have that bastard's bastard sword for our own bastard adventures of bastardry

you sniffed out how to get the titular sword before I got to scan that part in

Anyway, Balls (I didn't expect anyone to get it tbh but there must be some 2FF veterans around). Will have the update tonight.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update:

You noticed what the book was doing and finally decided to eat some balls. We flip forward to 171:



This spares us a really tough fight and gains us a permanent increase in Elan along with the Manly Hairs item:



More junk, but it can't be gotten rid of (it grows back)

We need to decide what to do next:

1) What to do about our beaten adversary
2) Should we continue on to Bilgeton with the caravan or do something else?

I was trying to dig up the balls-eating animation but ran out of time, hopefully will be able to find it.

Adventure sheet:


---------------------------------------

For those of you who wanted to fight, I ran the battle out. The first couple of times he hit and killed us in the first round. The third time I tried we hit him in the first round by some luck, got hit in the second and saved, and got hit in the last and failed to save. Basically I couldn't get to three rounds. I think this guy is the toughest in the game by far and if you want to fight him you need to start with 9 Elan and try not to lose any throughout the adventure, and of course try not to be too wounded.

E: You may have noticed - the book is really starting to fall apart now. I left it near a lamp and the grease that had soaked into the pages caught fire. We're nearly at the end so hopefully it holds together until we finish this LP.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 22, 2015 around 01:04

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Mr. Gibbycrumbles posted:

No-one mentioned the Morrowind reference yet?

People keep saying this kind of thing but this book predates the Elder Scrolls by something like 15 years...either it's a coincidence or Bethesda referenced this book.

E: Aggie can probably see the battle from her house (you are literally in her driveway), if you just leave the corpses she'll send someone to get them.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Mojo Threepwood posted:

Let's chain the prisoner to the front of the lead wagon, and use our medical skills to set up an ongoing blood transfusion between him and the skeleton driver. Harvest elf ribcages and make them into a xylophone for a skeleton to play at the front of a wagon, and stretch elf pelts over spare barrels to make a drum set for another skeleton wagon to jam on.

Then onward to Bilgeton!

Looks as though we'll be doing this, it's only possible if you have one of the items that establishes you as a psychopath, which of course we have. I'll check again later on and post the update (and an ending we're missing out on)

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update:

Big update this time. Scanner made it nearly through to the end!
Got the page scanned in at last:



Most people want to finish him, but since there's an ending right here if we spare him let's look at that too. Turning to 78 for now:



But yeah, we're not doing that. Turning to 299:



We get the elf's sword and a pamphlet about a certain milkman:



This sword is better than the one we already have. Some people have already asked to combine them, which is a possibility.

And since y'all asked for it, on to probably the most repulsive entry in the entire game book:



We're now approaching Bilgeton, a walled city that will probably have a guard that may or may not be looking for us depending on whether anyone saw us committing our various crimes or not.

Anyway, decisions.

1. What extra item did we loot from the dead elves?
2. What's the plan as we approach Bilgeton?

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Runaktla posted:

This is a beautiful book.

I just wish it was in better condition.

Ok, we're going to loot elfskin (the only part of the elf worth anything IMO) and combine it with the pixie cloak to create a filthy genocidal tapestry. We're going to combine the swords. Then we're going to roll on Bilgeton with our skeleton band like it's no big thing.

Gimme a little while and I'll scan in the pages.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Epic High Five posted:

If it's any consolation, I've found that the book has a very short half-life for being in good condition, after which something terrible happens to the owner and then the book is in bad shape.

How's you finger healing up?

It's not healing at all, but thanks for asking. I think the glue used to bind these books also stops blood clots from forming or something. I just have to keep it bound up, but I'm doing everything left-handed nowdays.

Update

Combining our swords we (somehow) get the ultimate weapon:

And having picked up the elf skins we combine those with the pixie cloak to create:

Maybe that's no so impressive but it's a lot fancier and less likely to get us monstered if we actually do get into Bilgeton. It also allows us to slaughter defenceless creatures with far greater ease Since we mostly pick on defenceless things this is good news even if we now get an Elan penalty from potions.

Continuing from where we left off:



We go with 374 which is entirely in character. No matter how punishing this book can be, if you don't act like the Bastard Elf you get punished a lot worse. I think we made the right choice here. 374 :



And we're faced with another choice... and a damned broken scanner.

What now?

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

If I'm reading this right we're going to bullshit our way in, blaming Jeff where and whenever possible. We have the items that let us do this so it's probably a good idea to avoid fighting the army of the biggest city in this part of the world. I'll get the update scanned in as soon as I can get that evil scanner to work.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update

We decided to bullshit our way past the guard, blaming everything on bloody Jeff. Here's yesterday's page, all scanned in:



We want 141:



And since we have two of those items (the shield and the armour - it's not necessary to have the armour equipped, just in the inventory), we can turn to353:



We lost the steed but I guess it's better than being shot with a crossbow or arrested. And we got paid at least for a job well done.

We've finally arrived at Bilgeton, the final stretch of this quest to find some place to crash.

Where should we begin our search?

Adventure sheet:

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

the_steve posted:

- Find string, Combine teeth and string into a necklace.
- Find Ted's house. Look for an Insignia Ring of some sort.
- Bequeath the house and everything therein to ourself.


I can't remember how much of that is doable, but, I'm voting for as much of that as I can.

Edit: gently caress, looks like we already have a signet ring. Assuming it's Ted's, skip the second item and get straight to having "Ted" give "Us" the house and posessions.

That ring belongs to Count Hugues "The Mark" of Bilgeton but since he's Tedbald's liege it's probably just as good.

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

There's a small majority in favour of tracking down the Pole as a first order of business and then running some elaborate scam where we pretend to be a knight and steal everything he owns. Karol mentioned the Hoary Boar. There are two inns in the town: the Hoary Boar is a sleazy dump and the New Naracourte is far swankier.

The other options so far are to head over to the market and try to buy some stuff with all the gold, teeth and leaves we've been lugging around, or to push our luck and try to get some reward money out of the guards while covering our tracks a bit more (if possible).

I'll check back in a bit.


Al Borland posted:

I think you mean Elveqaeda

E:

Thats what the compendium referred to them by if I remember.

E2:

I say we proceed to the Constable's office and get wanted posters of Jeff drawn up immediately! As well as collect our reward for bringing in the vile thief that robbed us.

Also we should inform them to be on the lookout for possible people trying to be impostors of us using stolen garments or possessions that belonged to us to try and pass off as us.


This book and its various compendiums predate Al-Qaeda by about five years, back then they were the Mujahedeen. I think the author of this series along with most Europeans and Americans had a beef with the Japanese and communists at the time so the elven terrorist group du jour is the Elven Sekigun (エルフ赤軍/ERA).

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Update
Scan completed. There's still a majority for getting to Karol and then following through with stealing Tedbald's identity or at least finding some way to leech off him. Since this is a multi-step process, I'll make the move that gets us closest to this. Yesterday's scan:



We go to the Hoary Boar, the worst inn in town (26):



Not many options here but I'll leave it up to you guys to work out. However this all shakes out we'll work on the master plan after the tavern is cleared, Anyway not a big update tonight but the old scanner needs a break!

Adventure sheet:



Al Borland posted:


OP I was looking into these book series and I think I figured out why your finger won't stop bleeding. They used a glue that had similar properties as rat poison to bind it. Also why the books are so scarce a lot of them were recalled because they were afraid children would lick the books or chew on them.

You may want to handle the books with gloves or more care. While it is a small trace amount of the poison. Still...

Thanks for the warning but it might be a bit late for me, the infection is spreading


the_steve posted:

The problem with stealing Ted's life is that people might expect us to do...Ted things.


This is a valid concern. The elf can't do what he doesn't know - he might be able to trick a few guards but he might get busted if he actually has to meet with his lord at some point. Something to think about for the future anyways

RC Cola posted:

We should also check the Polish embassy at the city for a translator.

I'll get a Bestiary entry scanned for Poles tomorrow - they come from so far away that you might find one or two of them total in the biggest towns. Certainly no embassies or translators, although a few people could probably speak Polish if they've had a lot of contact with a Pole. Our half-elf can't because he's too lazy or rude to have learned any Polish despite knowing Karol practically all his life.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 25, 2015 around 00:58

Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Looks like finiding Karol is ahead :

Justin Time! posted:

Find Karol by turning to page 56.

is the signal we're looking for here.

After that it looks like the idea is to hit on some dwarves because, hell, we've done worse (and dwarves are ok)

I'll check again later to see if this is still waht we want to do but in the mean time here are the bestiary entries for Dwarves and Poles which might help with a decision:



Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

Peebla posted:

Dwarves are kind of garbage in this lore. Sound like a bunch of nerds. Although I guess it would be appropriately weird to see our Polock buddy rail some midget dwarf elementary teacher or whatever. "Not great with their hands" makes me think we should avoid the whole hen party mess though. What's the point?

You can't avoid it! You're getting drunk in the middle of it! Anyway if they can handle a paintbrush they can probably handle whatever the half-elf is packing.


Update

We add 30 to the page number, which is the Pole's signal:



Really short update tonight because my scanner broke again. Karol has rejoined the team:



and we need to decide what to do now - we have two leads. One is to go find the milkman, the other is to go rip off Tedbald who we are currently impersonating. Karol would probably help with either.

Before that the more immediate choice : we could try it on with the dwarves again, this time with a wingman, or hit the hay and get up bright and early, or do something else.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 26, 2015 around 02:53

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Saint Isaias Boner
Jan 17, 2007

why do priests love skulls?
because they're holey


Plaster Town Cop

8 to 4 for hitting on the llllladies before ripping off the knight tomorrow or whenever we get round to it.

I doubt Karol has the kind of low self esteem required for what you have in mind but he could teach you a few moves apparently:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eros-Nile-K...c/dp/0801440009

anyway will check back in a bit and post the update.

Edit: I think I accidentally removed the Cock Eye from the adventure sheet without us using it, and it might come into play very soon. I'm pretty sure we still have it.

Saint Isaias Boner fucked around with this message at Jul 26, 2015 around 16:47

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