UK Cunt Thread: bread and coffee wankers

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > UK Cunt Thread: bread and coffee wankers

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

i'm basically gonna shill brewuk.co.uk because i've used them and they're good, and cheaper than amazon

ipa kits exist but the one i'm seeing seems to literally be "add boiling water to hopped syrup, top up with cold water" - like i don't see that failing but it's not really brewing, it's steeping a teabag. the good thing about this kit is that you get the beer ingredients, a storage barrel, a big fuckoff fermenting bin + airlock (possibly too big?), some steriliser, a hydrometer + thermometer, and some misc handy bits of plastic. it would be a decent start to see if you get workable booze out of it, and if you want to progress then, as per YTC's post above, you can use it as a basis for upgrading your kit

assuming you want to be a retard like me and buy all the kit all at once, you want:

two of these buckets with lids and airlocks; one to ferment in, and one to move your beer into for bottling once fermentation is over

a rubber hose for getting beer out of your bucket and for beating the poo poo out of dogs

a big pot; larger the better, really, but 15l is very workable.

big spoon, for stirring pot

starsan; this poo poo is magic. 5ml goes in 5 litres of water and will sterilise whatever it touches; the diluted form is good for ages, and is also food-safe and tasteless. if used correctly it will last for ages; i, being a retard, get through this like water.

a big sieve

a floaty thermometer

two slap-on therms for your fermenters

two hydrometers; one as a spare. this is essential, as you measure fermentation progress by taking samples and checking density. if you bottle stuff that's still fermenting you have possibly created bombs

turkey baster for taking samples to put the hydrometer in

bottles and caps; buy caps, re-use bottles

a bottle filling stick; this attaches to the other end of your hose

bottle capper

muslin bags for holding grains for steeping

imo, dedicated cleaner is not needed; just use soap and water and rinse.

start with extract brews, get the plan down; you need hops, malt extract, grains for steeping, and yeast. i have not had any issues buying live yeast but it's very possible that you might; maybe stick to dry yeast to start. you will need normal table sugar for carbing the beer when you bottle.

i would advise starting with a simple pale ale that's about 5%, as per the above post. they're hoppy, meaning they're a bit more forgiving of any accidental bacterial contamination, and they use non-insane amounts of pale malt, which means the yeast won't choke and die and fail to ferment everything. yeast doesn't really like complex sugars and you get more of those in dark malts

i will not do a full recipe but the broad strokes are:

start heating ~5l water in pan. boil kettle

sterilise your fermenting bucket and work surfaces while you wait.

once you have 2/3rds of a pan at 75C, add your steeping grains. steep for half an hour; your water is now wort

remove grains. heat to 100C either by adding boiling water or by waiting

add malt extract. add your 60mins hops; start timing

add extra hops when you're meant to

turn off the heat after 1hr. everything that touches the beer after this point must be sterile. everything.

you are supposed to cool your wort by running a wort chiller through it. i simply seal everything up and leave it overnight

once beer is at right temperature, take initial hydrometer sample and record the density. put yeast in it, attach airlock

wait 8hrs; realise yeast is going mental.

wait 3 days for bubbling to die down; take hydrometer sample

take hydrometer samples every couple days until the density levels off, probably at about 1.013 for the above recipe but if it's not that level who cares

when beer has stopped fermenting, prepare to rack it off the yeast into another bucket. work out how much sugar you need to carb it, boil up that much sugar, add to the bucket you're racking into, then put the beer on top of the sugar solution

place in bottles

after your first try you'll realise what else you need to make life easier for yourself. then do brew-in-a-bag all-grain recipes once you've got the hang of things

Jose fucked around with this message at 21:21 on Aug 6, 2017

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 12:18

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# ¿ Apr 19, 2024 10:44

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Vitamins posted:

in it voted 5

hmmm yes maybe but triggering bobby deluxe seems p fun

it was some other poster that has a near identical av i was thinking of nevermind

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 12:25

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

i can understand people having a difference of opinion on whether pickled onion or flaming hot are the best monster munch but roast beef smh

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 12:54

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

feedmegin posted:

You left me out

nobody remembers a poster without an av

i think i need a new one

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 13:04

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Bobby Deluxe posted:

op updated

why am i less mysterious

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 14:47

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

DrWrestling69 posted:

I do not vaseline my nipples. Should i be doing this?

only if they chafe and get proglide or whatever that is designed for it

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 18:19

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

DrWrestling69 posted:

My nipples do not chafe.

then don't bother. compression shorts are good but i wear some other shorts over the top

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 18:21

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

goatface posted:

Whatever happened to Nige?

him and the mental romanian vanished pretty quickly

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 18:28

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

stoneofshame also lives in birmingham i think and also has some shameful tcc posts too

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 21:09

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

living in la must be hell

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 22:00

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Miggles posted:

Hell compared to a coal mining village in Nottinghamshire...

Let me compare the two.

Shagging fat slags outside of the chippy while they moan about me spilling their pea-mix with that awful nasal northern laugh. Even the pretty girls have 'that accent'.

Or, live in a city where for a hundred years the most gorgeous people on the planet moved to procreated and have had plastic surgery to look 'better'.

Oh, legal weed.

Palm trees

80c weather year round

... I do miss my mum tho.

i've been to LA and living there must be awful unless y ou're rich enough to live in santa monica and not need to work.

san diego is so much better

# ¿ Jul 28, 2015 22:16

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

StoneOfShame posted:

This is an accurate assessment.

at least you appear to be doing better. rip no one

The Saurus posted:

'ok' by american standards is like living the greatest life ever by british standards. If you don't care about free healthcare then the standard of living here is just so much higher for so much cheaper.

depends where you live like everything and LA is not a cheap place unless you're living in one of the poo poo bits of it as far as i can tell

# ¿ Jul 29, 2015 07:39

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

what kind of kebab comes with beetroot? its pickled red cabbage

# ¿ Jul 29, 2015 08:52

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

birmingham new street is the worst train station in the country based on having my train get cancelled there one christmas coming back from uni

# ¿ Jul 29, 2015 10:05

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

my twitter account repeatedly gets hacked and follows a bunch of people tweeting moonspeak

# ¿ Jul 29, 2015 12:25

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

# ¿ Jul 29, 2015 14:54

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

if buying stuff on this site wasn't dodgy as gently caress i'd replace that av

# ¿ Jul 29, 2015 22:12

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

the continuing poo poo weather is stopping my chilli plants producing any chillies ffs

# ¿ Jul 30, 2015 09:17

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Bobby Deluxe posted:

the thing is right

your all gay for going to the jim

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGLzm-Gy0dQ

# ¿ Jul 30, 2015 11:20

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

its a pre-season friendly so i don't really give a poo poo

# ¿ Jul 30, 2015 11:32

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

it would be nice if the team could manage a clean sheet

# ¿ Jul 30, 2015 12:05

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

spud posted:

Takes me 30mins to travel what is 5mins in the US

I love the UK and its overcrowding.

depends where you are really. traffic going into/out of major cities in the US at rush hour is awful

# ¿ Jul 30, 2015 13:15

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

there are plenty of affordable houses in the north east

# ¿ Jul 30, 2015 14:29

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Solefald posted:

I'm not in the OP. Then again I'm incredibly boring

you're from liverpool and your ex hosed a homeless japanese crackhead i think

# ¿ Jul 30, 2015 15:58

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

how many note books are there?

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 09:57

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

is that you in your av

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 12:17

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

someone recommend a film tia

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 19:34

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Bozza posted:

Ex Machina.

i'll go with this i'm in the mood for some sci fi and it appears to feature a sexy robot and they're always good

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 19:44

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

the robot is not sexy and he shouldn't gently caress it

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 20:24

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Bobby Deluxe posted:

what an age we live in

the robot put on a wig and now he wants to gently caress it

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 20:50

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Bozza posted:

Still not sure Domhall Gleeson is actually related to Brendan.

he's ginger too

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 21:00

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

oscar isaacs head is a weird shape

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 21:06

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

the non-underground bits of the house in this film are fully sick and i want to live there. shame its a set

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 21:23

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

you'd think someone building a robot for sex would give it big tits

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 21:51

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

well i only have 1 real complaint about that film but it was real good otherwise

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 21:57

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Ratjaculation posted:

i didn't think much of it. disappointed with it considering my enjoyment of alex garlands stuff

i thought it was good just the ending either its read that he never created AI and just what he thought what it was or that the film just ignored that as inherently lovely as humans are they forgot compassion/empathy just to get that ending but the film was set up to make you think it was real AI.

also i'm sure i recognised the song in the climactic scene and i can't find it named anywhere

# ¿ Jul 31, 2015 22:11

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

i just bought 3.8kg of meat to make into stew and curry this weekend :getin:

# ¿ Aug 1, 2015 09:48

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

the water in the north is good because its not all recycled

# ¿ Aug 1, 2015 16:33

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

Watching raiders of the most ark on BBC 1 is making me realise I must have been about 12 the last time I saw it from the start

# ¿ Aug 1, 2015 19:15

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# ¿ Apr 19, 2024 10:44

Jose: Jul 24, 2007; Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer

put some post rock gigs on. i mean they'll probably fail but its good music imo if the band aren't poo poo. its noise otherwise

# ¿ Aug 1, 2015 20:30

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