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LET'S PLAY.....  Guys... Strange things are afoot, or rather underfoot, in my own backyard. Earlier tonight, at least I hope it was earlier tonight, I am safe and warm in my house. All I want to do is take drugs and binge-watch House of Cards. The only problem is THIS bitch...  That's JoDogg. She is going apeshit at something in the backyard. I go out there, it's dark, can't see poo poo. What I can see is, well, okay, there's this like six foot wide sinkhole/warren in the little forested area in the back. It's usually full of branches and big rear end rocks my roommate tosses in there when doing the yard. Here is a picture of my dog being surprised and fascinated by it for like the 154th consecutive day.  Anyway, she's dragged most the branches out of the hole and is dashing back and forth barking at it. I figure she's got a possum or raccoon in there, so figure I'll just drag her back into the house and give whatever it is a chance to rethink its hole strategy. But Jo is in total freak dog mode, she scurries and skitters, next thing I know I'm going in the hole. And I'm not saying I couldn't have lost my balance, but man, I am almost certain I feel a nudge, a push. Something helping me into that hole. I wheel but see nothing. Then I realize I'm dropping FAST as the foot going into what should be a shallow hole is not hitting anything. And then, did I mention the big-rear end rocks?  So yeah, here I am. I woke in some kind of big rear end cave. It is very dank in here. I came too near the edge of that pool over there, unhurt, still clutching my flashlight and a big-rear end branch. My phone has no bars. There's a guest wireless BERETATO8081 but almost all sites are blocked by something called The Fourth FireWall. I can get porn, meme generators, a lot more porn, and SA. It's like a reverse corporate intranet that *only* allows inappropriate sites. Of course I tried PMing, tried posting e/n messages asking for help. All were blocked. But a fake LP test post in the Let's Play testing ground? Fourth fireWall has no issues with that. Let's roll with it. Battery life will be an issue. Luckily, my camera has a Very Low Res setting, let's try it....  Hi there. Right now I'm at the base of a spiral staircase ascending through the ceiling with golden light shining from it. So why am I not gone already? Well, the second I stepped on the first rung, a voice rang out:  Sorry for the large text but the voice was really quite loud and boomy. Anyway, poo poo. First off, I don't know where those stairs go but pretty sure it ain't my backyard. Second, these pools look VERY crafted. And third, there is a sweet looking malachite amulet just lying on the very level and packed ground over there. Didn't even need my light to pick it out. I think that thing is GLOWING.  I am barefoot in shorts and a long t-shirt with a big bear head on it. I have my gerber folding knife and other than this humongo branch, that's it. Couple of beers that must have been chilling in the sinkhole, god knows what will happen if I drink one. Who knows what is in here but this stick is pretty stout. I'm no John Dalton but I think I could hold my own with this.  I don't know. Maybe I should go. Whatever this is, it won't be cool. Nothing cool ever happens to me. It's kind of cold in here. I think I hear something moving not so far away. I am starting to think maybe it wasn't the dog that scattered branches all over the yard... gently caress GUYS. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?  I am gonna turn the phone off and lie down for a bit. My head hurts something fierce....
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Aug 7, 2015 01:45
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 18:45 |
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Go left. Always go left.
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Aug 7, 2015 01:48
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CoarsestGrate posted:Go left. Always go left. go right
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Aug 7, 2015 02:08
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Put on that sweet amulet then go find your dog.
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Aug 7, 2015 02:09
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Short Blades Stealth Slap on that amulet
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Aug 7, 2015 04:50
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SSNeoman posted:Short Blades Also start shouting
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Aug 7, 2015 05:01
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Part Two of Whatever This Is ....in which we Go Left Ok, personal batteries recharged and LEFTNESS ACHEIVED. Let me catch you guys up. So I read the messages and yes, YES, I should put on that sweet amulet and go see if Jo Dogg is running around here somewhere. I've been feeling defeated but somehow, I feel like this is a fresh start. Yes. This right here is Turn One. The first turn of the rest of my life. I carefully lift the amulet from the muck, wipe it on my shirt, and place it around my neck. It *is* softly glowing - it is a simple necklace with a heavy centerpiece, and as I lift that to look at it it seems I can see a fire burning within its center. As I focus on it, I begin getting angrier and angrier at my situation until I just want to SMASH something these FUCKERS!!! where is my DOG!!!  Ok. That was unusual. Time to go left. And...what the christ.  Someone has blocked off the cave (really, this is looking more like a complex than a cave) with a stone archway and put a medieval-looking wooden door in it.  Well door, we will have our day, but for now we are going left.  Okay, more doors, one that doesn't even seem to go anywhere or do anything, some kind of paper or scroll, and more importantly a HUGE FUKKEN RAT. This must be what I heard. Jesus, it's bigger than my dog. I start to book back down the corridor when I realize there's nowhere to run to. So I turn and start bashing....  Around the corner I can see there's definitely some kind of scroll....also a robe...and....  Oh thank god, boots. Now I'll just grab that scroll and OH gently caress  THAT IS NOT A RAT. THAT IS NOT A DOG.  THAT IS A PERSON THING. A RAT PERSON THING. And another GIANT FRIGGING RAT. Okay poo poo poo poo poo poo, let's get back into the corridor.   and then when I go for the boots, things get even weirder....  First off, let's ignore that there is what looks like a GODDAMN MAGIC POTION just sitting on the ground. Because, THIS thing.  IT IS A BAT PERSON THING. We runs back to the corridor and we kills it. Man, I am getting surprisingly good with the staff. Oh poo poo, just looked back while posting and saw people want me to use short blades, like the knife? Or that sword the rat thing dropped? Is there stuff I should be focusing on? Right now I am just practicing with this stick. It hits really hard and I am getting good with it. Like, surprisingly good surprisingly fast. Suspiciously fast. But if SA gamers are expert at one thing, it's dungeons. And this is starting to look like an actual I'll-be-damned dungeon. If it's a joke, it's a drat good one. Anyway, try on those boots, AND THEY FIT! And I hear barking! Is it JO DOGG????  No, it's some kind of dog....things? That look...pissed?  Anyway I don't want to brag too much about my BO STAFF AWESOMENESS but I take them down. Still no sign of my pup. And what's worse...  I'm OUT OF LEFT. PLEASE ADVISE I think I may try to cover up with that robe, find some stuff to make a fire, and crash here in Base Camp Left.
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Aug 7, 2015 05:52
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A brief addendum, forgot to mention some things I picked up: The scroll is, well, it's parchment with the words PUPSIO RIDCHIVE written in flowing script, like Book of Kells level stuff here. I started to try to read the words out and the whole script started glowing so I stopped. The "potion" is a little flask about like an airplane mini-bottle of liquor. It's filled with amethyst liquid. It smells like bubble gum and dish soap. I'd rather drink the old beers from the sinkhole personally. I also grabbed a bunch of fist-sized rocks because that little rat thing was chunking them at me. Seemed like a good idea. That should get you caught up. Shutting down, Camp Left over and out...
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Aug 7, 2015 06:01
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you gotta go back for those boots, man. who else is going to go save them?
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Aug 7, 2015 06:01
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Ah berserk mode? Okay screw stealth. Keep using staff to whack stuff (...really it's not a bad approach to a lot of the more...creative...enemies) Go north Quaff that bubblegum-smelling poo poo son Read the scroll
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Aug 7, 2015 06:01
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Araganzar posted:A brief addendum, forgot to mention some things I picked up: I'm pretty sure that's Aramaic or Latin or something for "puppy be found". You should read it.
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Aug 7, 2015 06:05
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I have very important information for you. That voice that said something about the 'orb of zot' or something like that? Well, 'zot' is a Dutch word for crazy or idiot. I think this is meaningful. I suggest you stay on the lookout for any idiots. If you see any, go after them! They might carry that orb the boomy voice wanted.
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Aug 7, 2015 09:18
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Drink everything, read everything.
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Aug 7, 2015 09:36
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Araganzar posted:A brief addendum, forgot to mention some things I picked up: You should drink every mysterious liquid and read every strange parchment you find. One of them will surely lead you to your dog.
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Aug 7, 2015 10:44
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Arcade Rabbit posted:Drink everything, read everything. Agreed, start chuggin'. You don't want to get dehydrated!
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Aug 7, 2015 15:30
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RBA Starblade posted:Agreed, start chuggin'. You don't want to get dehydrated! This. You're in an unfamiliar area with no obvious way out. The last thing you want to do is run out of fluids and collapse. Especially when the wildlife is unnaturally aggressive. Stay safe!
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Aug 7, 2015 15:36
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>Genuflect
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Aug 7, 2015 20:56
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Okay, back rolling again. UseBees posted:you gotta go back for those boots, man. who else is going to go save them? I grabbed them and not only do they look sturdy enough to hold off a rat or dog-thing's teeth, they FIT! That's....actually making me really antsy. Carbon dioxide posted:I suggest you stay on the lookout for any idiots. If you see any, go after them! They might carry that orb the boomy voice wanted. I'm asking goons for advice in a life-or-death situation, so if that's the case other things should be on the lookout for ME. SSNeoman posted:Quaff that bubblegum-smelling poo poo son ZeeToo posted:I'm pretty sure that's Aramaic or Latin or something for "puppy be found". You should read it. Arcade Rabbit posted:Drink everything, read everything. SirSamVimes posted:You should drink every mysterious liquid and read every strange parchment you find. One of them will surely lead you to your dog. RBA Starblade posted:Agreed, start chuggin'. You don't want to get dehydrated! Drakenel posted:This. You're in an unfamiliar area with no obvious way out. The last thing you want to do is run out of fluids and collapse. Especially when the wildlife is unnaturally aggressive. Drinking strange liquids sounds like a horrible idea but who am I to argue with six goons? Okay, I'm going to chug every flask I find and read every illustrated manuscript. I am going to hang onto these beers for emergencies because they look EXTREMELY skunky at this point. As long as we are going all Infocom on this bitch I guess I will also pick up everything I find as well..... SSNeoman posted:Keep using staff to whack stuff (...really it's not a bad approach to a lot of the more...creative...enemies) ....and I'll be doing this. Phone off. Trip report soon. If you never hear back from me tell Jo Dogg I TRIED!
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Aug 7, 2015 23:32
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Part Three of Things Trying Eat Me Okay, that was a weird voice to wake up to. Did anyone else hear that? Does this boomy voice have a snooze button? Guess I'd better get going. First we have to chug something purply...  Wow. My headache is...completely gone. The scratches and goddamn SWORD SLASH I got from a rodent of unusual guise....completely gone. I feel fantastic. That stuff is either magic or it's full of PCP. Anyway, I head North. Barking ahead! But I know not to get too excited by now. And yep...  More dogs and a rat. Man, I can't believe I've gone from practically making GBS threads my pants over a 3 foot rat to practically yawning over having to fight it along with 2 dingos and a frigging NEWT. Seriously though, it's a big newt, I'll give it that, but how could I run from a newt and ever call myself a man again? Luckily I don't have to because big stick make big lizard go splat. And yes, that is a coat of chain mail in the corner. Serious, real, chain mail. Should I put this poo poo on? It's heavy as hell. I'm gonna carry it around but I'm dropping it if a fight happens.  Oh! And I forgot to read that scroll thingie!  .....okay. I got an urge to picture where I wanted to go, did it, and then...I was there. That was a strange mix of awesome and terrifying. I can't wait to see what the next scroll does. Oh, wait. I just found one while continuing my perimeter search into Northern IDKWTF...  Yep, I feel blessed. That sure was a thing that happened. So far these scrolls are interesting but what was the point? What could be weirder than that?  Okay, new winner. I get an urge to examine one of my possessions so I choose this chain mail just in case it turns out to be a POWERFUL MAGIC ITEM. But what I learn instead is that it is "+0 chain mail" and that it has an armor class of 8. Okay, so I guess I am in a D&D game except I thought 8 was like splint mail. Somehow, that discrepancy seems to pale before the fact that I somehow know I HAVE PLUS ZERO CHAIN MAIL. Moving on, going further north, ANOTHER MAGICAL SCROLL THINGIE YAY  My hands glow yellow and I feel the urge to grasp a magical wand or rod. What is this Harry Potter poo poo? Am I about to be running around with a wand being cursed by people? No, I'm just going to keep running around Northern Scrolland until I find my dog or the librarian comes to kick me out. Here's another one! I can't believe I'm not even mentioning stuff like the horrible little gobbo thingie that was standing over this trying to stab me with a dagger.  I feel my face contort, mist rises from the scroll turns into a horrible scream as I exhale. I am really glad I can't see what that looked like. Well, at least it wasn't more weird First Edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons bullshit. Now, let me just kill a few bats with rocks and a stick and then I'll....  I never thought I would actually say this, but ....
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Aug 8, 2015 00:46
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BUFF DEX IF YOU CAN DODGE A DART YOU CAN DODGE ANYTHING
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Aug 8, 2015 00:53
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Strength is more to the left than Dexterity is. Plus, Strength lends itself more to that amulet of rage or whatever, I assume.
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Aug 8, 2015 01:18
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Intelligence. You need to strategise your way out of this place you have found yourself.
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Aug 8, 2015 01:32
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These posts are missing the "Sent from my iPhone" signature at the end, i don't think they're authentic
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Aug 8, 2015 01:55
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Intelligence. When you find your way out of here, more intelligence can be useful in the outside world.Araganzar posted:
Fun facts about the Giant Newt:
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Aug 8, 2015 03:35
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DEXterity and also feast upon the flesh of your conquered foes when possible such that you might gain their strength!
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Aug 8, 2015 05:49
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Of course, you don't have to be a complete barbarian. You have quite a few materials from the fallen critters to make a quick fire if you'd rather cook the meat. Stay fed and hydrated though! It may all sound like a silly DnD dungeon, but you have a much better chance at getting out if you just go along with it. Resisting it seems to make the whole thing more hostile to you, from what few rumors can be found about these caves. as such, ask for Dexterity Being quick on your feet will serve you better than hitting things a bit harder. Don't forget to take breaks! There's a lot of danger in there, but it can be managed. And you may even find honest-to-god treasures! And your dog. ((Silly, but I'm enjoying the lp so far))
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Aug 8, 2015 09:13
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Dexterity, because quick fingers are important. Also, I believe that the goon massive advised you to drink everything. You've mentioned some booze that has gone un-drunk. You're going to need to trust us if you want to get out of there safely.
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Aug 8, 2015 12:11
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Ok, I don't really know what this is going to do but sure, everyone likes Dexterity, right? I'm gonna go look around. I hate to mention this because I know what you guys will say, but I saw something just now a bit south of here and I had to look.  Same staircase as the one going up. But this one is going straight down through the floor. I'm not to worried, my dog hates stairs and these look especially frightening. It would take a lot to get her to go down something like this. Something like a gigantic rat or a dang newt. Eating newt meat? I don't know man. I hope I'm not in here long enough for that to be an issue. *stomach rumbles*
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Aug 8, 2015 13:52
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Ep 4: We Chose Dex I got a girl, her name's Jo, things get crazy wherever she go, she got four paws, she furry and brown, she been thrown outta bars all over this town, ain't got no thumbs, but she don't quit, cause little Jo Dog is the motherfu.... What's this?  I would take a better picture but it's pretty obvious that is a shield right? I think about using it but (a) there is no way I am hitting anything with my big-rear end stick while I am wearing it and (b) it's got all these leather straps on the back and it takes FOREVER to get it on and off. I keep it because hey, infocom mode, leave no object unlooted, right? Moving further down the chain of disturbing events, we run across this little guy...  He looks like incredibly spoiled banana pudding (with nilla wafers) and he moves about 2 miles an hour. So he's not hard to dispatch. But what is troubling is...  Okay, I will admit it. I am getting quite hungry and I was curious about the newt meat. So I chopped off a tail. But that thing looks disgusting.  How hungry or how toxxed would you have to be to eat that? No thank you. But I stuffed it in my pocket anyway. It cannot have been an hour, maybe two. It's hard to tell time in this place, it's almost like things speed up every time I cut a corner hugging a wall. I guarantee you if as an experiment you go out and find the biggest newt or salamander you can and cut off its tail (it's okay, they grow back, well, I mean it's not okay because I bet it hurts, but w/e) and stuff it in your pocket... believe it or not two hours later it will not be COMPLETELY ROTTED AWAY. Also, these walls look VERY regular. I used to play a LOT of D&D and I think I may need to start mapping this place out. It looks like someone built either a lovely underground complex or a really lovely maze. moving on...  Of course, that makes sense. Why didn't I expect to see a pile of little poison darts stuck in the mud? I look around for the guy with the blowgun, I played Dark Souls man, but there's no one. I grab em of course. That's about it for N. Scrollvania so I head back past the entrance where I find the first really awesome thing in this place...    Oh my god guys. I didn't want to say anything but I have been getting SO HUNGRY. I don't even care who or what took a piece out of this thing. It looks so good. And it's a Super Supreme! Please tell me I can eat it. Oh, also this:  I started to realize I was seeing the same places again and again so since EVERYTHING IN HERE is at right angles I just started sketching as I went on the back of a used scroll. So here is the problem. My dog might go down stairs with nice walls around them if she was motivated enough but I can't see her going up an exposed spiral staircase. Guardrails don't mean much when you are the size of a 2 year old kid. I don't want to go down there. I can hear stuff down there. I just saw the messages about drinking EVERYTHING so I'm going to finish off these two jurassic beers and take one of those suggested breaks. I'll let you know how that goes. I feel like once I get a couple beers in me that pizza is in serious trouble, but you tell me. In the meantime, anything I should do with this chain mail or this shield? This stick whips rear end and I am loathe to give it up, but I could see being protected might be a good idea when approaching unknown stairs.
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Aug 8, 2015 14:39
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oh also, I use a Samsung Galaxy S5-Active not an iPhone and if anyone from Samsung is reading sirs I could give your product one hell of an endorsement right now
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Aug 8, 2015 14:44
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Araganzar posted:oh also, I use a Samsung Galaxy S5-Active not an iPhone and if anyone from Samsung is reading sirs I could give your product one hell of an endorsement right now Try "OK google find my dog".
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Aug 8, 2015 15:19
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TIMGs!  Also, put on the mail, and eat the pizza. What could possibly go wrong?
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Aug 8, 2015 16:00
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Ringmail and Pizza Party Also, dogs are basically large gophers, right? I'm pretty sure your dog went down the stairs. I'm just saying. I would know, I am a literal dingo.
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Aug 8, 2015 16:47
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Pizza's good cold, you should save it for later, in an emergency. Eat newt.
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Aug 8, 2015 17:04
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I'm more of a slime mold guy anyway. At least it grows somewhere - floor pizza? Who knows where it came from?
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Aug 8, 2015 21:25
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Armor up and eat the pizza.
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Aug 10, 2015 17:09
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Karia posted:Pizza's good cold, you should save it for later, in an emergency. Eat newt. Even in a bizarre world we've gotta have standards. Why would you eat newt when you have pizza NOW? The floor will surely provide more food when you need it.
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Aug 10, 2015 18:06
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Right, we got some skunk-rear end sinkhole wormhole beer to drink right here! Let's shotgun the first one...might as well use this knife for something other than cutting off newt tails...  Okay, I don't know if you've ever done a ton of mushrooms, gone out to a bar in New Orleans, had your buddy decide it was time to go right as the music was getting good, then he starts loving with you on the drive home and making fake turns and stuff so you start bumping him and before you know it you are both crashing through back streets in a town neither of you know playing road warrior with metal music blaring until he stops at an intersection and backs the tow knob on his SUV about a foot into your hood, and you get out of your car and you just want to CRUSH HIM CRUSH HIM... well if that's ever happened, that's about how this feels.  .....and yeah, that's how the other time turned out, too. I am super hungry now so I go ahead and eat that pizza. I read the responses and at the moment my gut has done a great job of convincing me that you guys were firmly in the "eat the pizza" camp, or if not that the minority had some VERY appealing arguments. So, pizza gone. Now, let's try this other nasty-rear end beer....  ....right. I'm either on acid or I just straight up poisoned myself. Not a lot of difference either way I guess. Anyway now I'm DRUNK AS HELL so LETS GO FIND THAT FUKKEN JODOGG WOOOOOOOOOO!!!   YEAH BABY crap i'm hungry again.  Okay, I MIGHT have disslect... dispec... cut up a bat earlier. Bats are like little flying chickens right? Once you cut those wings off it looks a lot like a little furry chicken nugget. I mean, Bear Gryllis eats frigging BUGS. Times he would probably KILL for a nice raw bat. Right? He's cool, everyone thinks he's tough and rugged. He'd eat a bat. (looks furvtively around) y Okay! Forgot what I was doing, probably nothing important, but here's another freakin sweet scroll! Watchoo got, scroll?  [.....]  ok BOOT AND RALLY let's go YEEEE HAWWWWW poo poo it's a gigantic ok huge ok really big snake with drippy fangs oh hell naw! Let's use this amulet! Nothing! Come on amulet WTF RAWWWRRRRR   What....why is there blood all over this door? WHY CAN'T I MOVE??!?! Oh wait I can move, why is my arm so swollen? oh well NOTHING SLOWS ARAGANZAR DOWN WOOOOOOO  Sorry RAT MANS you are no longer novel to me! I will gladly eat you (oh no wait you are REALLY NASTY) ok I will not eat you I will steal your deadly needles and your light armour coat! I will start at your escape hatch in the ceiling WHICH MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE! I will take your golden potion!  Right whatever I am sure that makes sense! Hey it's a scroll and I know it's an IDENTIFY scroll, sure, why not, and it's another GIANT kinda SNAKE RARRRR  SO STRONG I am getting some HUGE GUTS! And I don't even pass out! Just a little further, I see another one of those blinkyman scrolls and a bubbly black potion so WOO LETS TRY OUT OUR SCROLL  RIGHT, RESTORE ABILITIES, RIGHT. This is awesome because it implies something can DRAIN ABILITIES which is something I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT WORRYING ABOUT BEFORE. I'm so happy to know there are things in this godforsaken place that do poo poo that will require me to need to RESTORE my ABILITY to do....SOMETHING? It is a good thing I am VERY DRUNK. Anyway let's KEEP GOING plenty of DANK rear end DUNGEON to see and lotsa HORRIBLE SMELLING CREATURES waiting to attack us!  Here's one now! Gecko, a freaking Gecko, check. Chop him up. Potion of curing, check, I hope it's okay I save this guys? It's migraine-b-gone. Also I still have not found the spot I started at but I don't care because MAPPING IS FOR CHUMPS.  Another unknown thingie and another identify scrolly gone...I found the stairs I came from! It looks like we're about to get through this WHOLE DARN LEVEL without anything weird, I mean without anything incredibly strange beyond the usual  oh. oh man. this fountain water looks delicious but i am so freaked out right now. i need a bottle of g2. i need a glass of water. does anyone have a glass of water?
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Aug 11, 2015 00:29
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Worship the pagan gods. That one has lightning on their alter, they've gotta be loving awesome.
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Aug 11, 2015 01:22
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Any of them are probably good. Yredelemnul will be the most fun to try to pronounce while angrily frothing at the mouth.
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Aug 11, 2015 01:25
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