Calvinball Season 3 - Still Making It Up As We Go Along

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Armchair Quarterback > Calvinball Season 3 - Still Making It Up As We Go Along

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Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Congrats to Silly Burrito for winning season 2!

We begin as we must always begin, with the official Calvinball theme song. (Feel free to join in harmonizing on the rum tum tums)

OFFICIAL CALVINBALL FF SONG
Other leagues' games are all such a bore!
They've gotta have rules and they gotta keep score!
Calvinball is better by far!
It's never the same! It's always bizarre!
You don't need a GM or a referee!
You know that it's great, 'cause it's named after me!

THE UNCHANGING RULES OF THE CALVINBALL LEAGUE
1. All players must wear a mask.
.......a. No one may question the masks.
2. Every week each player may change one scoring rule, provided that rule has not:
.......a. Already been changed by someone else that week.
.......b. The rule has not already been played in the same way this season. (Not strictly enforced, but if someone notices and mentions that a player keeps "resetting" a favorite rule every other week, actions might be considered. Change it up, keep it fun.
.......c. No rule can overturn or change the week's Calvinball rule.
3. All rules should be declared in this thread using the following format:

NEW RULE! NEW RULE!
Week 2: Completions are now worth -3 points!!!

4. All rules must apply to the entire league, no singling people or a team's specific players out.
5. Enforcement of the rules is everyone's responsibility. If something is amiss, mention it in the thread. Be honest, the game is only fun if everyone participates.
6. Mom says no: All rules must be implementable on ESPN, anything that can't be implemented due to software limitations will be declared void due to parental oversight. Seriously, you'll put your eye out and it's been well established that Anubis can't do math.

Slight rule modification from last season on #7
7. For the sake of the GM's sanity, rules should be declared ~~between the last whistle of Monday~~ after Sunday night football and to dusk on Wednesday, when our mothers call us in to take a bath. New rule changes won't take effect until after the previous week (Monday Night Football) is done and ESPN has a chance to put in any scoring changes Tuesday morning. (I noticed last season restricting it to Tuesday and Wednesday was getting cramped. Be sure to declare the week number that you are changing a rule for so people don't get confused.)
8. Everyone must play all of their (valid) starters. ESPN doesn't allow league rosters to change week to week so there will be may be spots left open if those have been turned off by a rule change. Also, all of your rostered players must see the field, so using backup quarterbacks (unless that is literally all that is available and valid) is potentially unacceptable. If a player gets struck by lightning pregame and doesn't see a snap but there was no way for you to know, we will deal with it on the fly as best we can.

THE CALVINBALL
The team with the ~~lowest~~ worst score the week prior is declared to have the Calvinball. If you posses the Calvinball during the rules declaration period you can use it and send player(s) to jail for the week. Example:
"Example posted:
quote:
I HAVE THE CALVINABALL! I HAVE THE CALVINBALL!
Week 3: I hit "Chris" with the Calvinball. Anyone with the first name of Chris goes to jail and has to be benched this week!
The above would require all players with the name "Chris" be benched for week 3. So, Chris Johnson and Chris Ivory are both sitting this week. [b]Do not make these overly broad![b] This is about fun, not sending someone to the waiver wire to research backup punters. You may also use the Calvinball to make an extra rule adjustment about the roster, be sure to declare that it's your Calvinball rule because Calvinball rules do not carry over to the following week.

As with last season, I'll create the league with huge rosters and benches. We are starting the season with your basic QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, TE, FLEX(no qb), K, DEF setup until rules start changing it. As always I'm looking for help GMing this chaotic mess. I greatly appreciate the job Fight Club Sandwich did last year and I'd even be willing to go 3 GMs this year since my current work bans the forums, seemingly just to make my fantasy football research more difficult.

# ¿ Aug 15, 2015 06:04

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 05:56

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

FAQ
Q: What the hell is this?
A: The fantasy football equivalent of a game the 80s-90s comic strip characters Calvin and Hobbes would play. Calvin was a free spirit, hating the claustrophobic rules of normal organized sports and competitions. This lead him and Hobbes to create their own game with rules they made up as they went. In a lot of ways, Calvinball has always been played by children the world over.

Q: So, you just change the rules each week?
A: Yes, everyone gets 1 rule change a week that they can use however they want. If they want to make it a 2QB league or they want to suddenly make rushing yards -70 per yard, perfectly acceptable. Rules carry over until someone else changes them in a following week. There's also a special rule every week called the "Calvinball rule" that you can read about in the rules above.

Q: Do you do a normal draft?
A: Our drafts are glorious. Seriously, there is no overstating the wonder of seeing a sudden round 6 run on defenses.

Q: Can I join?
A: If you weren't in it last year post and put your name on the waiting list, it's very likely we will have openings.

Last years players:

Aredna - Confirmed returning
Anubis - Confirmed returning
Fight Club Sandwich - Confirmed returning
gardenald - Confirmed returning
Yoshifan823 - Confirmed returning
Marshmallow Blue - Confirmed returning
Jbz
ffoecaf
asoros
~~Master Stur~~
~~Parmesan Basil~~
~~IcePhoenix~~
~~Silly Burrito~~

New Confirmed Players
Cheese
OxySnake
Dandy Kaiser
Fenrir
kalensc
Baldrash
JPrime

Standings
11-2 Aredna - It's a Magical League, Hobbes
9-4 Marshmallow Blue - All QBs are Just Sacked
9-4 Fenrir - The Endzone is Lava
7-6 Baldrash - Building Character
7-6 gardenald - "Y" as in "Y do we care?"
---
6-7 Anubis - A Nauseous Nocturne
6-7 KalenSC - A Philistine on the Sidewalk
5-8 Fight Club Sandwich - Snowgoon House of Horror
5-8 JPrime - The Noodle Incidents
5-8 OxySnake - Hill and Bernard IRL
4-9 old dog child - Flacco Bears
4-9 Yoshifan823 - Mark Sanchez Passes Go Boink

Anubis fucked around with this message at 17:05 on Dec 13, 2015

# ¿ Aug 15, 2015 06:05

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Ok, when are people who are already confirmed available for the draft? I think the most obvious days would be 29th, 30th, 5th or 6th. Any of those in the afternoons (CST) would likely work for me so start chiming in with days and afternoon/evening choices. It's usually a really quick draft, even though it's a lot of players. New confirmed people, start sending me email addresses.

# ¿ Aug 19, 2015 13:18

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

kalensc posted:

Anubis is there room in this for an old PITRer or are you complete?

We got 4 people who still haven't reported in, officially you're on the waitlist but I'm 90% sure you are going to be in.

# ¿ Aug 22, 2015 06:44

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Ok, I've stalled as long as possible. Sorry to the 3 people who haven't checked in yet but I've got to boot you for the wait list since we are down to the wire, which is pretty standard for this league.

Based on stated availability it looks like the draft will be on the 5th. How does 7pm est sound to people? I'll schedule it for that on espn and see who complains. Also SEND ME AND Fight Club Sandwich YOUR drat EMAILS SO I CAN INVITE YOU!

Currently active teams please change your team name to something with your username so I can identify and remove the now defunct teams from ESPN. Currently there's almost no way to identify some of you.

Anubis fucked around with this message at 04:24 on Aug 26, 2015

# ¿ Aug 26, 2015 03:57

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Marshmallow Blue posted:

do we change rules week one? I cant remember

We do, but I don't ever accept rule changes till after the draft.

# ¿ Sep 3, 2015 04:52

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

gardenald posted:

Which ruined more than one rule idea I had last year

Yeah we tried keeping it more open, once upon a time, and it was just too much of a giant pain.

I'll try, after the weekly rules are finalized, to give a little post every week with the roster you are required to fill out. Remember, just because it looks like playing a QB is going to hurt you doesn't mean you get to leave active roster slots open. And all your players need to see at least 1 snap so no picking up the 3rd string QB.

And for those who haven't played before, we keep track of standings by hand because when you change scoring rules it affects all the previous game that have been played. So we always screenshot on Tuesday morning and keep track that way.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2015 16:06

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

NEW RULE!!! NEW RULE!!!
Go away Moe!

TEs are just big bullies. I'm removing the TE slot.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2015 01:30

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Fenrir posted:

Holy poo poo, I didn't even know that was a thing that one could do. can that be done with any position?

(Were you the guy who had Gronk? haha)

Yep, and you can turn positions on as well. That's why the espn roster has 2 QB slots, 4RB slots, ect even though we start with the standard 1QB/2RB/2WR/1Flex/1TE/1Def/1K. ESPN won't let me adjust the official roster slots mid season, so we make the league with a ton of slots and then everyone just leaves slots empty as needed.

I mean someone is going to have to turn on punters and head coaches before they can be used. Remember that you can only add 1 or subtract 1 to a roster spot though. And you can't counteract (though you can pile on) to another players rule for the same week. So, for this week you couldn't try to use your rule to turn on a TE slot because I already turned one off this week. However if someone turned on the 3rd RB slot someone else could also turn on the 4th RB slot in the same week.

Understand?

Anubis fucked around with this message at 04:15 on Sep 6, 2015

# ¿ Sep 6, 2015 04:13

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Marshmallow Blue posted:

new rule! New rule
Defense wins championships!

All defensive scoring is 999.

Touchdowns were already set this week as were safeties, so those aren't getting set to this. I set Sacks, INTs, Fumbles recovered, forced fumbles and blocked PAT/FGs along with all the points and yards (everybody wins?) to 999 but am leaving off stuffs, tackles, return/kickoff yards, and passes defended under the guise that they weren't currently active when you made the rule (and to try and keep a little leash on this for the first week, since that's a pretty extensive rule change). Fair enough?

# ¿ Sep 6, 2015 15:09

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

OxySnake posted:

Wait does that mean if our QB gets sacked we get 999 point?

No, if your defense gets a sack you get 999 points.

# ¿ Sep 6, 2015 20:59

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Marshmallow Blue posted:

When will the roster spots we have be posted?

After the rules close, so Wednesday night. For right now the running tab is QB/RB/RB/WR/WR/FLEX/K/DEF/HC

# ¿ Sep 8, 2015 13:10

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Rules are now locked for Week 1.

Your roster is:
QB
RB
RB
WR
WR
FLEX
K
DEF
HC

# ¿ Sep 10, 2015 05:00

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Fenrir posted:

I'm not going to get penalized for Starks, right? I mean, he did make actual carries in the game. He did play.

As long as he saw the field you're fine. Technically he doesn't even have to touch the football, which is why this is the only league that FBs have some actual value.

If you found a backup QB that was also the FG holder and could show that he actually got in the game... well, congrads on your football knowledge!

# ¿ Sep 14, 2015 04:54

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

OxySnake posted:

Did anyone happen to watch the Texans game today?

ESPN is saying Jaelan Strong didn't play.

I accept will accept my forfeit if needed.

Na, it's not a forfeit. We just find the worst player we can for the week (first from your bench and if that actually helps you we go looking at the waiver wire) and correct your score as needed.

# ¿ Sep 14, 2015 05:02

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

gardenald posted:

New Rule! New Rule!
Golf Rules

Lowest score wins the matchup!

Disallowed. We actually do allow this rule but since it's "special" (ie: not a espn rule change) we only accept it as the Calvinball. Feel free to tank this week to do it next week, though! Also, you get your rule back so go ahead and make a new one if you want.

# ¿ Sep 16, 2015 01:27

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

I'll use my rule to open the 2nd punter, but yeah. 1 slot per person per week.

NEW RULE NEW RULE
Use both punters!

# ¿ Sep 17, 2015 04:28

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Here's your week 2 rosters:

QB
RB
RB
WR
WR
TE
FLEX
K
K
P
P
HC

And make sure you play someone from the night games so that your roster is valid for the Calvinball!

Edited to correct. Thanks

Anubis fucked around with this message at 04:40 on Sep 17, 2015

# ¿ Sep 17, 2015 04:32

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Oh and just to be clear, as long as you have 2 non injured starter punters on your team that aren't on bye, you are fine. I'm not going to penalize you if a team somehow doesn't punt all game.

# ¿ Sep 17, 2015 05:42

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Uck, self violation reporting here. I forgot a 2nd kicker which should give me Succop for -160. However, my opponent played a defense (-3996) and no TE, so hopefully someone out there got negative points on that. If Joe Webb didn't get any snaps I'll pull one out but I think he did.

# ¿ Sep 22, 2015 04:14

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

NEW RULE!!! NEW RULE!!!

That other comic with the bald kid stinks. Remove one kicker slot.

# ¿ Sep 24, 2015 04:28

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

QB
QB
RB
WR
WR
TE
FLEX
DEF
K
P
P
HC

There's your weekly lineup. Good luck everyone, sans my opponent!

Anubis fucked around with this message at 13:33 on Sep 24, 2015

# ¿ Sep 24, 2015 04:31

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Fenrir posted:

Didn't you just remove one of those kicker slots?

I blame working 15 hours during a product install day and wanting to come home and collapse. Yes, there's only one kicker.

# ¿ Sep 24, 2015 13:34

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Marshmallow Blue posted:

Or Cards HC!

Anywho, Slated for the most points this week. I'm curious to figure out the records of returning Calvinballers and Rookie Calvinballers to see how they stack up. Cause last year I sucked, and this year I'm 3-0

I'm bringing down the veteran side.

Only in Calvinball can I say, "Ok, all I need is 1000 points out of my QB this drive and I've got this thing!"

# ¿ Sep 29, 2015 04:35

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Pretty sure this is the lineup this week. Don't play NFC East teams, they are all staying after school with Miss Wormwood this week.

QB
RB
WR
TE
TE
FLEX
FLEX
DEF
K
P
P

Anubis fucked around with this message at 16:32 on Oct 3, 2015

# ¿ Oct 3, 2015 02:44

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Aredna posted:

I lost either way this week so it won't matter, but curious for future weeks. Since I'm living in Japan timezones make it a bit tough to check at the last minute changes to Out for day games.

If a player has status changed to Out after say 9am EST (10pm here, 11pm after time change) for the noon or afternoon games, would anyone be opposed to me putting in another starter if I have one available for a later game?

In my main league I normally e-mail the commish ahead of time and say something like "hey, player A is potentially out, if they get pulled can you swap in player B from the bench?"

If Fight Club Sandwich agrees, and no other players have too big of an objection, I could manage a special dispensation for you moving forward, if you post it in the thread for all to see and you have the other player on your bench already.

# ¿ Oct 6, 2015 03:31

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

kalensc posted:

New Rule! New Rule!

Being a man of action, I cannot afford to take that risk.

Men of action don't risk falling short of the goal, they give it their all! Interceptions and Fumbles are worth 1000 points each (or whatever the maximum is).

Is the for defenses or offensive players? I can't tell if you are rewarding coughing up the ball or if you are rewarding the defense for takeaways and in this league it could go either way. Based on the forced fumble rule I'm assuming it's the offensive players getting rewarded for risk taking.

Anubis fucked around with this message at 05:03 on Oct 8, 2015

# ¿ Oct 8, 2015 04:59

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

NEW RULE!!! NEW RULE!!!

It only matters if you win. Team wins are now 500 and team loses are -500.

# ¿ Oct 8, 2015 05:01

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

JPrime posted:

how does that work, exactly? if I have Danny Woodhead on my team he gets 500 if the Chargers win, or loses 500 if they lose, in addition to all the other categories?

Yep! It's one of those categories ESPN has that no one really uses/knows about.

Aredna posted:

It's a Head Coach scoring category.

Incorrect. It counts for everyone.

# ¿ Oct 8, 2015 13:00

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

I already see one person getting smacked with a calvinball. No Thursday or Monday night players!

RB
WR
TE
TE
FLEX (QB) - Implement by not playing a Flex player and play a QB instead
FLEX (QB) - Implement by not playing a Flex player and play a QB instead
DEF
K
P
P

# ¿ Oct 9, 2015 13:22

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

*sigh* I'm apparently really bad at going down a list of posts and updating rostsers this year. Sorry guys.

# ¿ Oct 11, 2015 17:24

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

I don't think he can be penalized enough to make a difference but Alshon Jeffery didn't play any snaps!
http://www.footballoutsiders.com/stats/snapcounts

Get em, sandwich!

# ¿ Oct 13, 2015 03:03

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Aredna posted:

Sadly he was still Q and there was no update he would be out again until an hour before kickoff.... well after my bedtime. But I didn't post anything ahead of time so I'll take my penalty.

Snapcounts for week 5 aren't up yet though and you can bet I'll be following up on a one Mr. Steven Clark. I know he's a punter, but if you check the stats you'll see that Marquette King had 4 punts for Oakland this week. I don't think starting a backup punter, who saw no snaps in weeks 1-4 and isn't even listed on your fancy snapcount site, is going to get you off the hook given the abundance of punters on the waiver wire.

You're right on Clark. Somehow I've overlooked him and it possibly cost me the week, considering there were much better waiver options. Looks like -500 is as low as punters went last week though, so looks my own stupidity is going to be penalty enough.

# ¿ Oct 13, 2015 13:27

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

It's fine, we allowed the /100 one earlier. But as an aside let's try to minimize the overarching rules. They are fun and mix stuff up but using them constantly means they will get played out.

# ¿ Oct 14, 2015 03:05

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

NEW RULE!!! NEW RULE!!!

Keep it simple!

I'm removing the QB flex. I like things simple, drat it!

# ¿ Oct 14, 2015 19:50

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Eesh, sandwich is owning me on the GM macros department.

Fight Club Sandwich posted:

Any kind of "dont field the best team that you can" rule should be calvin ball only IMO, but i'll let anubis weigh in on this

Yeah, I think this is calvinball only. Otherwise we are really going to start stretching things as far as my "I don't like math" policy. I'd have to double check the results anyway and the way my brain is working lately that might take hours.

quote:

e: You can very easily make a legal team via the waiver!

If this is ever not the case, please post and let us know and we'll come up with something. Should only ever really come up on Punters/Kickers with a rather reckless calvinball and a lot of bye weeks combined with someone stashing players but at the least I won't penalize people if they made the effort and can prove there was nothing they could do.

Anubis fucked around with this message at 03:21 on Oct 16, 2015

# ¿ Oct 16, 2015 03:02

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

If you want to trade for Alex Smith I'll accept a bag of balls.

I've been in vegas all week, glad to see the thread continued with only the normal wailing and mashing of teeth this league regularly induces.

# ¿ Oct 31, 2015 19:13

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

Fenrir posted:

poo poo, that was an idea I had but I didn't think there was any chance it would fly. Imagine what the TE and HC slots would look like

There are also not enough kickers and punters to make that work. Plus I flat out refuse to get into a debate over if we use the paper bag rule or the one drop doctrine.

# ¿ Nov 7, 2015 23:24

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

My opponent, the current Calvinball, didn't set a valid roster last week. If he doesn't show up before tomorrow I'm awarding the Calvinball to the noodles incident as they were 2nd to lowest.

# ¿ Nov 10, 2015 22:49

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# ¿ Apr 28, 2024 05:56

Anubis: Oct 9, 2003; It's hard to keep sand out of ears this big.; Fun Shoe

JPrime posted:

so am I the Calvinball this week?

Yeah, go for it.

# ¿ Nov 12, 2015 04:35

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Armchair Quarterback > Calvinball Season 3 - Still Making It Up As We Go Along

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