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Lil Cunty


sometimes you need to write a strongly worded letter to someone but you just dont know where to start. maybe youre too mad to type. maybe youre too mad to make sense. maybe the soul-crushing ennui of existence makes strongly wording things difficult, or maybe writing in general.

post what you have here and ask for advice on turning your humdrum letter of mild disapproval into a scathing literary assault

BUT ALSO

say youre really dang mad. oh boy you just want to shout at somebody but you dont know who, or maybe you do know who but theyre your boss or your grandma or your own poor life choices so you cant. this is a good thread for you to post in. take that aimless rage and channel it into some fledgling strongly worded letter and help your fellow posters shine

remember the cardinal rule of strongly worded letters: include a picture, to drive your point home

and the other cardinal rule of strongly worded letters: dont say swears, they are rude and not professional

(there is a third cardinal rule involving time capsules and writing strongly worded letters to future selves, but it is beyond the scope of this thread)

example to get you started:

quote:

dear fuckturds,

i sent my grandma a cake and she had one piece and put it in the fridge and in the morning it was gone. that cake was for my grandma and now she doesnt get any cake. im realluy mad!

gently caress you guys!

wd-40

now if i were going to help myself i would post the following corrections

quote:

Dear _________ Care and Rehabilitation Center,

I recently sent my grandmother, a patient in your facility, a cherry coffeecake (please find picture below). After enjoying a piece, she had her physical therapist place the remaining cake in the private refrigerator in her room. When she woke up this morning, the cake could not be located. My grandmother has very few pleasures left in what has been a difficult and joyless life, and the coffeecake was meant to last several days at least. I am concerned with your facility's inability to protect my grandmother's privacy and property during her stay. A person who would eat a sick grandmother's cake is not the kind of person who should be providing care to the elderly and infirm. I look forward to your prompt response detailing the steps you will take to rectify this situation and prevent it from happening in the future.



Regards,

WD-40

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Lil Cunty


dear npr,

do you guys even employ editors anymore? the last 3 articles i read had typos in them, one of which was IN THE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE. if thats what i wanted news to look like i'd just read my own facebook posts.

you guys really suck now!

wd


ty crap

ty landy

Lil Cunty


dear starbucks,

the biodegradable straws you just started using melted in my coffee this morning and now my coffee tastes like corn and i am really pissed

aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh TUESDAY IS RUINED


ty crap

ty landy

tao of lmao

Lil Cunty posted:

dear starbucks,

the biodegradable straws you just started using melted in my coffee this morning and now my coffee tastes like corn and i am really pissed

aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh TUESDAY IS RUINED

is this real?

fuck. marry. t-rex

I don't really have much to bitch about but...

Dear Website Who's Function Is Critical To Me,

Please work instead of Not Working in various ways. Do not tell me "if this problem persists, report the issue to support". You don't have a report button, you don't have support, and even if you did have either, I'm drat sure reporting the problem wouldn't fix anything for me.

fuck. marry. t-rex

Dear Car Windshield,

You got a 2 foot crack along where the rearview is when I pressed on you from the inside. I am not that strong...

Luvcow

One day nearer spring
dear pug dogs

I'm really sorry that humans bred you to be the genetic disasters that you are. the only consolation I can give you as you waddle through your brief days, gasping for breath through your malformed airways, saliva cascading down your jowls and rotting away your fur, is that we all think you're really cute. I hope that counts for something.

Lil Cunty


Luvcow posted:

dear pug dogs

I'm really sorry that humans bred you to be the genetic disasters that you are. the only consolation I can give you as you waddle through your brief days, gasping for breath through your malformed airways, saliva cascading down your jowls and rotting away your fur, is that we all think you're really cute. I hope that counts for something.

this is a mildly worded letter of apology. when I'm done at this appt I'm going to help you craft this into a strongly worded letter of complaint


ty crap

ty landy

Qwerinty

by zen death robot
if you're really angry, you don't even use Dear, but as you get into the letter you start relaxing and becoming more reasonable. example:

Attn: Landlord

Upon moving into your property, I discovered that the door lock was smashed off, there's a blackened abyss that eventually leads to a heavily bolted door in this weird closet, a strange closet that is higher up the wall than I am tall that sings softly whenever the light's off, and the clawfoot tub decided a good time to do squats was while I was taking a shower. None of these things were on the lease, that we agreed upon, and in no way did you inform me I was moving into Stephen King's winter inspiration apartment. Please come over here and fix the lock and add a circle of salt mixed with silver in the closet. In return I'll put a sound dampener in the closet and put some creatine down the tub's drain.

Awaiting your reply,
Qwerinty

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

cuntman.net

dear company that makes m&ms

while i normally have no complaints with your products i have noticed that this particular pack has a disproportionately large number of yellow m&ms. there is only one way to interpret this message. this accusation of cowardice will not stand. i intend to defend my honor in the only way acceptable for an insult of this magnitude. please select a representative from your company to face me in a duel to the death at a time and place to be determined at a later date. if you decline, it will become apparent who the true coward is.

sincerely yours,
mr t. fist

Lil Cunty


TWIST FIST posted:

dear company that makes m&ms

while i normally have no complaints with your products i have noticed that this particular pack has a disproportionately large number of yellow m&ms. there is only one way to interpret this message. this accusation of cowardice will not stand. i intend to defend my honor in the only way acceptable for an insult of this magnitude. please select a representative from your company to face me in a duel to the death at a time and place to be determined at a later date. if you decline, it will become apparent who the true coward is.

sincerely yours,
mr t. fist

there is nothing to be done with this letter it's perfect. go ahead and send as is

in fact, send with vigor


ty crap

ty landy

Lil Cunty


Luvcow posted:

dear pug dogs

I'm really sorry that humans bred you to be the genetic disasters that you are. the only consolation I can give you as you waddle through your brief days, gasping for breath through your malformed airways, saliva cascading down your jowls and rotting away your fur, is that we all think you're really cute. I hope that counts for something.

an angrier Luvcow in the future, hopefully posted:

Dear Pug Dogs,

You're a genetic disaster! As you waddle through your brief days, gasping for breath through your malformed airways, saliva cascading down your jowls and rotting away your fur, remember: you're a disgrace to dogs everywhere. I hope you never forget it, and that your days are filled with shame and regret.

VTY,

L. Cow


ty crap

ty landy

saboten

british students tackled this important issue in the 80s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf_JtNFyB18

thank u bacalou

Lil Cunty


saboten posted:

british students tackled this important issue in the 80s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf_JtNFyB18

Dear British People,

Please stop reminding Americans how you already made every joke 30 years ago. We know already, but we think they sound better with flatter vowels and less humor.

Warm wishes,

WD-40, Esq.


ty crap

ty landy

saboten

Lil Cunty posted:

Dear British People,

Please stop reminding Americans how you already made every joke 30 years ago. We know already, but we think they sound better with flatter vowels and less humor.

Warm wishes,

WD-40, Esq.

hahaha sorry... i just literally can't write a letter without replaying this sketch in my head.. it's all i could contribute :cry:

thank u bacalou

mags

I am a congenital optimist.
MR WATERS PLEASE STOP SENDING ANGRY LETTERS TO OUR OFFICES.
WE UNDERSTAND YOUR SUPPORT FOR HANCOCK.
BUT WE WILL NOT RETRACT OUR ENDORSEMENT OF GARFIELD. STOP.

IF YOU DO NOT CEASE YOUR CORRESPONDENCE WE WILL TAKE LEGAL ACTION.
THREATENING STAFF IS UNCALLED FOR. STOP.

SINCERELY.
THE TIMES COURIER

Looke

to whom it may concern,



kind regards,

wtg.

Somebody fucked around with this message at 22:46 on Sep 1, 2015

Qwerinty

by zen death robot
wtg just stapling that poo poo up on every wall and utility pole he comes across

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Lil Cunty


weird toppings guy posted:

to whom it may concern,



kind regards,

wtg.

i can never be mad about the goat


ty crap

ty landy

Lil Cunty


tao of lmao posted:

is this real?

yes and i would appreciate your help in writing a strongly worded letter abou tit


ty crap

ty landy

Luvcow

One day nearer spring

thank you, yo are doing god's work

Miss Psychosis

Dear self:

Just do it already. It'll be painless.

ChairmanMeow

Fire up the grill everyone eats tonight!
Microsoft-

I don't want windows 10. just stop. It's not going to happen.
Yours, Madam Chairman

Lil Cunty


Miss Psychosis posted:

Dear self:

Just do it already. It'll be painless.

Dear Miss Flavia Psychosis,

Thank you for expressing your concerns. However, many technical advances have been made in the last decade and lasik surgery is now a painless and affordable option for many. Please call your optometrist at your earliest convenience for more information.

With love,

Miss Flavia Psychosis


ty crap

ty landy

Wertjoe

Dear pot smoker,

I know you think you can keep it together enough to smoke and then go shop at a retail store but you can't. You just cannot do it. Please, stay at home and leave me alone.

Love, Me.

Lil Cunty


ChairmanMeow posted:

Microsoft-

I don't want windows 10. just stop. It's not going to happen.
Yours, Madam Chairman

Dear Microsoft,

Eat a bag of assholes, you immense pillars of poo poo. I hope you all die in housefires and are reincarnated as housecats. I hope you develop chocolate allergies and pass them to your children. Windows 10 is a miscarried monstrosity of an operating system and just thinking about it makes me want to pull my fingernails out one by one.

gently caress off you immeasurable fuckers,


Madam Chairman


ty crap

ty landy

ChairmanMeow

Fire up the grill everyone eats tonight!
well done, copied and sent

Scaly Haylie

Dear Diablo III, the game,

I just beat you and I would really like to get into some postgame content, and I would rather that you not crash my computer so much. Let me play you.

Signed,
Lizard Wizard, Barbarian

Looke

Lizard Wizard posted:

Dear Diablo III,

I just beat you (the game, Diablo III) and I only want to get into some postgame content, and I would rather that you not crash my computer so much. Let me play you.

Signed,
Lizard Wizard, Barbarian

git gud scrub

- d3

fuck. marry. t-rex

Lil Cunty posted:

yes and i would appreciate your help in writing a strongly worded letter abou tit

You could have a lawyer do it, probably could pretend it made you sick or something... if your feeling ethically dubious

Scaly Haylie

weird toppings guy posted:

git gud scrub

- d3

Dear Diablo III,

I have cleared the campaign on Master difficulty and can generate enough Fury to use Whirlwind almost constantly and reliably take full advantage of my Boulder rune. In light of this, I do not know what "gud" it will do you to imply that I am terrible, especially when it is YOU, not me, who has had not one but two heart attacks due to the sight of an ordinary throng of monsters.



...that's all I got, help

City of Glompton

Dear Apple,

It's been awhile since I used my Mac, but I finally had a good reason to pull it out of the box it's been languishing in for the last year and a half. Being a responsible computer user, I knew I needed to update my OS, so I dutifully logged in and got started. That is where my troubles began.

Why in the world would you fail to stop me from downloading an incompatible OS without so much as a weak suggestion that it might be a bad idea? This download has turned my Mac into a stylish doorstopper, since it's now stuck in a loop of trying and failing to install Yosemite. I can't open in any mode, and to add insult to injury, its boot time is so slow, it's taken hours of my life to try all the tricks that helped the other poor fools in similar situations as I.

All I needed was a warning, a suggestion, a hint, that this was the wrong OS for me. At the least, you should have left me some way to cancel this install. I know you'd prefer me to buy a Mac from this decade, but I'm not made of money like the brogrammers across the hall. Even their office furniture looks like it was designed by Apple, it's disgusting.

Disgruntledly yours,

Siluvayne


thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

fema crisis actor

bweee-ooo-eee-ooo-eee-ooo

Lil Cunty posted:

dear starbucks,

the biodegradable straws you just started using melted in my coffee this morning and now my coffee tastes like corn and i am really pissed

aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh TUESDAY IS RUINED

To Whom it May Concern in Regards to Environmental Impact Decisions within the Starbucks Corporation:


While I appreciate that you must make a pathetic attempt to appear environmentally conscious despite being a bloated and wasteful corporation blighting the landscape with brown boxes on every block, I would like to point out that using corn cellulose in your straws is supporting an industry that is decimating arable farmland that would be put to far better use raising sustainable and nutritious food for our growing population, not to mention its poisoning of our rivers and streams from the huge amounts of fertilizer necessary to support the growth of this kernelly weed.

I would recommend that instead you begin producing your straws of cellulose from the switch you are going to go out back and cut for me son, as punishment for the inferior and cheaply made corn cellulose straw that melted in my coffee this morning. If I had wanted to put creamed corn in my coffee I would have opened a can.

Please show employees how the thermometer works, too.

Disgusted,

WD-40


ty bacalou!

fema crisis actor

bweee-ooo-eee-ooo-eee-ooo

Qwerinty posted:

if you're really angry, you don't even use Dear, but as you get into the letter you start relaxing and becoming more reasonable. example:

Attn: Landlord

Upon moving into your property, I discovered that the door lock was smashed off, there's a blackened abyss that eventually leads to a heavily bolted door in this weird closet, a strange closet that is higher up the wall than I am tall that sings softly whenever the light's off, and the clawfoot tub decided a good time to do squats was while I was taking a shower. None of these things were on the lease, that we agreed upon, and in no way did you inform me I was moving into Stephen King's winter inspiration apartment. Please come over here and fix the lock and add a circle of salt mixed with silver in the closet. In return I'll put a sound dampener in the closet and put some creatine down the tub's drain.

Awaiting your reply,
Qwerinty


ty bacalou!

DeepQantas

Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...
I just got a strongly worded pm from alfred and I don't know what it's about. It read like a siren. Anyone know what that was about? Did I say something nasty in byob again? Do I need to cheese it, it's the cops?

Lil Cunty


lol I don't know but "It read like a siren" made me laugh and I'm imagining the pm
and laughing a lot


ty crap

ty landy

Luvcow

One day nearer spring

DeepQantas posted:

I just got a strongly worded pm from alfred and I don't know what it's about. It read like a siren. Anyone know what that was about? Did I say something nasty in byob again? Do I need to cheese it, it's the cops?

:ssh: alfred is the ghost IK for September

City of Glompton

Lil Cunty posted:

lol I don't know but "It read like a siren" made me laugh and I'm imagining the pm
and laughing a lot


thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

DeepQantas

Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...

alfred... posted:

Title:
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Message:
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I mean yeah. I guess he's not wrong per se, but...

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

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Lil Cunty


lol


ty crap

ty landy

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