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 If a police officer points a weird thing at your car, it doesn't always mean he wants to murder you with a firearm! Sometimes he just wants to pull you over and write a ticket imposing a fine on you for driving too fast.  Frankie Muniz doesn't have a severe illness, and he's not really a "celebrity" as such anymore either, but he sure was in a great mood when we told him about Michael J. Fox's debilitating case of Parkinson's disease!
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Sep 8, 2015 21:42
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 What kind of God would allow this? Do turtles have souls and a capacity for suffering? Do I?  No matter how much literal garbage they dump into your neighborhood, you will never be powerful enough to stop them and they will never face the consequences of their actions.
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Sep 8, 2015 21:45
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 Local elementary school's production of "Lab Coats, the Musical" wins rave reviews from 8 out of 10 opinion bloggers!
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Sep 8, 2015 22:06
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also this one is fake but I liked it anyway
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Sep 8, 2015 22:06
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Sep 8, 2015 22:53
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an unexpectedly funny thread, good job op 
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Sep 8, 2015 22:56
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Sticky this thread
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Sep 8, 2015 23:12
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 Man shoots lion with bow and returns home to find his dental clinic burnt down. Find out his tricks for stopping tooth decay
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Sep 9, 2015 00:01
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loquacius posted:
 Hahahahaa I always wondered about those ads...is that freak alien monster fruit supposed to be appealing in some strange way?? What kind of person actually clicks on that ad?
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Sep 9, 2015 00:23
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AbbadonOfHell posted:
Simply take off that old woman mask you wear all the time!
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Sep 9, 2015 00:35
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 We took this picture of Obama's reaction when we broke the news to him that he was the worst president.  Her engagement ring had fallen off 18 years ago!  After centuries of poverty, the forgotten secrets of making money have finally been returned to us!
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Sep 9, 2015 00:52
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 You keep sneaking away to play golf on the roof.
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Sep 9, 2015 00:54
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 Almost all classic shows are available to stream and cable companies are an obsolete business model.
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Sep 9, 2015 01:00
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 You spend all night with your backs to one another instead of engaging in foreplay and sex.
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Sep 9, 2015 01:02
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 Last night under the influences of alcohol and drugs Terrance Barker burnt down 15 houses in New York's famed Dermatology District  machete. The shocking crime that caused the Supreme Court to overrule decades long policy of "unarrestable" handsome men.  It's hot dogs!
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Sep 9, 2015 01:10
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swampland posted:
Tree Bark!
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Sep 9, 2015 01:11
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 Old man told us he was Elvis so we laid recordings of him forgetting his grand childrens names over a karaoke track of Jail House Rock! It wound up sadder than we planned. swampland fucked around with this message at 01:40 on Sep 9, 2015 |
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Sep 9, 2015 01:30
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 There's like zero responsibility or repercussions. It's great! Apply today.
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Sep 9, 2015 01:59
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st1LL_51ngl3 posted:
It's been proven that cracked articles are kings of the clickbait scene.
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Sep 9, 2015 02:30
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All internet advertising I see is entirely this bullshit. How does anyone make money when it all backed by this nonsensical scam pile?
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Sep 9, 2015 03:17
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Spazzle posted:All internet advertising I see is entirely this bullshit. How does anyone make money when it all backed by this nonsensical scam pile? Sorry I was busy trying to click on your AV, what did you say?
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Sep 9, 2015 03:37
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momerath posted:
Andre the Giant WAS one third of Wrestlemania VI
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Sep 9, 2015 03:38
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 A bottle of vodka to dull the pain, a sharp butchers knife and some clean towels to soak up the blood.
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Sep 9, 2015 03:45
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 No.
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Sep 9, 2015 04:39
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 ...Stop spending your nights chopping the toes off of chickens. Instead go to bed.
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Sep 9, 2015 05:14
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 Bathe in the blood of your freshly killed grandchildren and absorb their youth.  Jared fogle's diet of Subway with herbs and regular exercise involving chasing children into dark alleys is scientifically proven to shed those unwanted pounds.
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Sep 9, 2015 06:17
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 For starters, don't keep it all in one jar. It's a good idea to diversify your holdings by stuffing some inside an empty coffee can and burying it in your back lawn, or hiding it inside a mattress.  Your life is empty if you don't have a bottlecap with a straw built in.
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Sep 9, 2015 12:14
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this thread would have been much funnier if the op was something else entirely
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Sep 9, 2015 12:18
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jsoh posted:this thread would have been much funnier if the op was something else entirely Or much less funny. Makes u think.
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Sep 9, 2015 12:19
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 Answer: Become a duck. Nobody steals poo poo from ducks, except other ducks. Ducks are also really bad at holding weapons so you can easily flee or fly away from any situation. Also be sure to distract them by talking about random gross things.
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Sep 9, 2015 14:59
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 Place these three credit cards in these three slots, and the bombs never go off. Is it such a high price to pay? Could you stand having the lives of those hundreds of people on your conscience?  Don't dress up as these fictional characters; they require really uncomfortable shoes.  You can stomp around in them and make noise! Isn't that so fun? Pretend you're in the army. Make bootprints in the snow. The possibilities are endless.
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Sep 9, 2015 14:59
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Applegate is just making Goldmine bait threads these days, voted 4
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Sep 9, 2015 15:32
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If you spilled something in your keyboard, clean it or buy a new one for $10. You don't need to buy a whole new computer.
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Sep 9, 2015 15:44
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New computers are dry-clean only. Say goodbye to the ease and convenience of washing your computer in the sink when it's dirty.
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Sep 9, 2015 15:46
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It turns out that ClickHole's sponsored ads are actually a really good source of clickbait! Tell the bank man a funny joke. If your joke is sufficiently funny and he makes this face, wink at him. He will wink back and eliminate 15 years of mortgage payments. This weird trick only works once per bank man, though. Try it again and he will become enraged and reverse-mortgage your house.  1. 68% of Americans still believe that language fluency is granted by the Fluency Spirit, who allegedly appears to you in an erotic dream, her lithe body painted in the national colors of your chosen language's associated country, and imparts several years' worth of language classes in a single orgasm. Grow up, people!
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Sep 9, 2015 15:57
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 Going-Out Tops, the obscure European principality with the odd name, has finally chosen a new monarch: the fictional character Daenerys Targaryen, AKA "Khaleesi," played by Emilia Clarke in the hit HBO series "Game Of Thrones." Long live the queen!
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Sep 9, 2015 16:00
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loquacius posted:
She is required by law to be in character for the duration of her reign.
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Sep 9, 2015 16:08
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 The trick is to pay your credit card company, using money. Money looks like this.  Kevin walked into the Gillette factory and he sat his inconsiderate rear end right down on the conveyor belt. What the hell, Kevin? We need that to make $13 billion worth of razors! v  v Apparently what the kids are doing to get their jollies these days is "proposing" "marriage" to each other using "rings" that have "diamonds" on them. How this dangerous new fad could put YOUR son or daughter in danger, tonight at 9.  Sometimes eggs have money in them. It's true, my cousin found one once! Just keep cracking a bunch of eggs, you're bound to find some money eventually. Save even more money on this transaction by doing it right on the floor of the grocery store! #lifehack
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Sep 9, 2015 16:12
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He's signing autographs at your local Buffalo Wild Wings from 9am to 4pm. Hurry if you want to get there before Gilette's goons slit his throat!
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Sep 9, 2015 16:15
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 ADHD is what it's called when you hallucinate floating punctuation and dancing coffee-bean men all the time, right? Not being able to keep psychological disorders straight is reason #9 why we can't focus.  God help you if the Fluency Spirit appears to you painted in the colors of a nation whose language you already speak. She will administer a test, a test which has proven too difficult for English speakers more native than you many times before. What happens to those who fail, none can say.
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Sep 9, 2015 16:39
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