In Training posted:

"That was loving full of epic win," you mutter to yourself in your gravelly Batman gamer voice.

In Training posted:

TIER 1 PRE-ORDER TACTICS: the most tactical way to get into the beta


"Wow," you all say to yourselves as you gently soar back to Earth in your exo-suit, teeth still grinding from the action packed orgiastic riot of carnage that was Call of Duty: Root Beer. "That was loving full of epic win," you mutter to yourself in your gravelly Batman gamer voice. It's been like 5 months. You've jumped hard. You've broken poo poo in real life with how hard you were jumping. You chuckled at that joke I made about the bicuriator even though it didn't really land. You became an MLG pro with all that MLG competition. You've won loving medals in clan wars that were the only thing you've cared about for literally minutes on end last December or whenever they started working before you quit. Your Twitch stream is all full of subscribers and money and chicks flashing their tits at you and poo poo. There's a plaque on your wall that just says "What an epic loving almost half a year." Next to the other 8 of them.

But you hunger for more. Sure, the series began with a bang, with COD4, and has matured into a barely recognizable behemoth of deep gameplay, dedicated servers, and numbers, the numbers, so many mother loving numbers it would make Bill Nye poo poo a trillion digit prime. So where does the series go next? What unexpected twist awaits us? Time and time again we've clutched our fedoras (actually mine is a trilby) as we were swept away by an action packed pack of action that we played for what seemed like hours for an entire week. It's spawned like six clans, numerous Google spreadsheets, a Steam group that surprisingly few people have bothered to leave in the past two years, and over 80% of the threads posted in Games in the past 10 years. It's the most popular game on PC, ever.

And now it's time for me to briefly set aside my new subscription to HBO GO, stop bitching about my commute and software development to people who don't care, and open up a new tab in my browser while trying to ignore the thumbnail of a jacked black dude sucking his own dick that's been on the front page of xnxx.com for the past like 8 days. Now I bring you nerds this year's installment, of the Call of the Duty:



Press X to bark, motherfuckers.

We begin this year, as always, with three questions:

Q: DUUAAHHH DUURRH I BUY CALL OF DUTY?
A: You're going to do it anyway, or someone is going to buy it for you like last year and I'm gonna feel bad for not playing it

Q: Something else?
A: Let's just take a look at the facts:

Facts so hard that the Earth's mantle shatters beneath them


Game modes so new, they will tear your rear end in a top hat inside out, rotate it 90 degrees and stick it back in so you will poo poo sideways


Servers so dedicated, they make Franciscan monks look like the noob shitlords they are


Some pork I made last year, god I love this pic


MLG Pro goons absolutely crushing that pussy


And as unbelievable as it may sound, all of that is just random poo poo I had in my My Pictures folder. There's loving more.

The cold, hard facts
The reality is that this installment promises to be not only the most tactical installment yet, but also the most epic. Preliminary data confirms this, and by cross-indexing with price, we see that this is the most Epicness per dollar available to the American or European or, heh, Australian consumer in recent memory:



Call of Duty: Whatever promises to once again turn the gaming community on its head, thereby possibly turning it upright, but it just doesn't give a poo poo anymore after having been turned on its head so frequently and brutally by the breathtaking innovation seen by the now 5 or 6 separate development studios struggling desperately to slap a new set of menus on the same slop of poo poo game from 2008 without their brutalized and ashamed bastardization of the Quake 3 engine completely disintegrating into a pile of tactical feces. The entire concept of Guns In A Video Game Wherein You Hold Aforementioned Guns In Front Of You At Sort Of An Angle has been shaken up to the point of insanity, like a tasteless shaken baby joke that I'm immediately regretting but not enough to hit the backspace key. In between violent seizures of tactical carnage and fast-paced lobby simulation, you will experience a subdural hematoma of explosive action as you fire a gun that isn't anything like an M4A1 and curse the noob shitlords who stand in opposition as they use another gun that's like an AK47 only not, because clearly both that gun and their connection is superior.

New for this edition is a map that was inspired by another map that sucked then also, as well as team-based matches to the death. A killstreak that is sort of fun but not worth getting 17 kills for, but does last long enough for you to remember the Chopper Gunner from Modern Warfare 2. Team deathmatch. A level where something happens, or sometimes doesn't, but basically always does. Tiny pieces of paper poo poo floating through the air everywhere on every map, because war is hell. Rubble. Match-based team deathplay. The color brown. Possibly some undergrowth, and a corner where you can camp. Sixty dollars you could have spent on a tank of gas, and had some money left over, because we are living in an incredible time. The world around you, seemingly gray and dull, as a husk of your former self huddles over your Xbox One and is brought momentarily back to life in a flash of nostalgia as the number "100" pops up on your screen and you remember a simpler time, when people you liked actually played this dumb poo poo, whose voices are now but a ghostly echo reverberating through your nearly empty mind with words of switching to GTA V or Titanfall that remain now as ever nothing more than an ethereal gust of hope that will never come to be. A single-player portion of a multi-billion dollar franchise where you actually play as a German Shepherd and press X to bark. More team deathmatch. No UAVs, as they're simply too powerful.

And blackness.

That's right. In addition to being the most tactical, one will find that these ops are also 50% blacker than previous Ops encountered by the MLG pro community:


There is, of course, much, much more to come. I plan to update this thread with the factual fervor with which I updated the A&W thread--meaning once, but with a lot of words. But alas, I'm exhausted, and I need to post this before some loving nerd who takes this retarded poo poo seriously posts a thread and I have to wait around until October for it to be totally abandoned and Wazzit to tell me to post another.

So with that, let's all cozy up in our leopard print slankets, throw some pillows around until the bedroom is a mess of feathers and giggles and semen, and suit the gently caress up for Call of Duty

Black Cops (Three)

THE PENETRATOR posted:

Wondering why the op has a picture of me in it

zeal posted:

dude wants to brag about his pulled pork

In Training posted:

TIER 1 PRE-ORDER TACTICS: the most tactical way to get into the beta


"Wow," you all say to yourselves as you gently soar back to Earth in your exo-suit, teeth still grinding from the action packed orgiastic riot of carnage that was Call of Duty: Root Beer. "That was loving full of epic win," you mutter to yourself in your gravelly Batman gamer voice. It's been like 5 months. You've jumped hard. You've broken poo poo in real life with how hard you were jumping. You chuckled at that joke I made about the bicuriator even though it didn't really land. You became an MLG pro with all that MLG competition. You've won loving medals in clan wars that were the only thing you've cared about for literally minutes on end last December or whenever they started working before you quit. Your Twitch stream is all full of subscribers and money and chicks flashing their tits at you and poo poo. There's a plaque on your wall that just says "What an epic loving almost half a year." Next to the other 8 of them.

But you hunger for more. Sure, the series began with a bang, with COD4, and has matured into a barely recognizable behemoth of deep gameplay, dedicated servers, and numbers, the numbers, so many mother loving numbers it would make Bill Nye poo poo a trillion digit prime. So where does the series go next? What unexpected twist awaits us? Time and time again we've clutched our fedoras (actually mine is a trilby) as we were swept away by an action packed pack of action that we played for what seemed like hours for an entire week. It's spawned like six clans, numerous Google spreadsheets, a Steam group that surprisingly few people have bothered to leave in the past two years, and over 80% of the threads posted in Games in the past 10 years. It's the most popular game on PC, ever.

And now it's time for me to briefly set aside my new subscription to HBO GO, stop bitching about my commute and software development to people who don't care, and open up a new tab in my browser while trying to ignore the thumbnail of a jacked black dude sucking his own dick that's been on the front page of xnxx.com for the past like 8 days. Now I bring you nerds this year's installment, of the Call of the Duty:



Press X to bark, motherfuckers.

We begin this year, as always, with three questions:

Q: DUUAAHHH DUURRH I BUY CALL OF DUTY?
A: You're going to do it anyway, or someone is going to buy it for you like last year and I'm gonna feel bad for not playing it

Q: Something else?
A: Let's just take a look at the facts:

Facts so hard that the Earth's mantle shatters beneath them


Game modes so new, they will tear your rear end in a top hat inside out, rotate it 90 degrees and stick it back in so you will poo poo sideways


Servers so dedicated, they make Franciscan monks look like the noob shitlords they are


Some pork I made last year, god I love this pic


MLG Pro goons absolutely crushing that pussy


And as unbelievable as it may sound, all of that is just random poo poo I had in my My Pictures folder. There's loving more.

The cold, hard facts
The reality is that this installment promises to be not only the most tactical installment yet, but also the most epic. Preliminary data confirms this, and by cross-indexing with price, we see that this is the most Epicness per dollar available to the American or European or, heh, Australian consumer in recent memory:



Call of Duty: Whatever promises to once again turn the gaming community on its head, thereby possibly turning it upright, but it just doesn't give a poo poo anymore after having been turned on its head so frequently and brutally by the breathtaking innovation seen by the now 5 or 6 separate development studios struggling desperately to slap a new set of menus on the same slop of poo poo game from 2008 without their brutalized and ashamed bastardization of the Quake 3 engine completely disintegrating into a pile of tactical feces. The entire concept of Guns In A Video Game Wherein You Hold Aforementioned Guns In Front Of You At Sort Of An Angle has been shaken up to the point of insanity, like a tasteless shaken baby joke that I'm immediately regretting but not enough to hit the backspace key. In between violent seizures of tactical carnage and fast-paced lobby simulation, you will experience a subdural hematoma of explosive action as you fire a gun that isn't anything like an M4A1 and curse the noob shitlords who stand in opposition as they use another gun that's like an AK47 only not, because clearly both that gun and their connection is superior.

New for this edition is a map that was inspired by another map that sucked then also, as well as team-based matches to the death. A killstreak that is sort of fun but not worth getting 17 kills for, but does last long enough for you to remember the Chopper Gunner from Modern Warfare 2. Team deathmatch. A level where something happens, or sometimes doesn't, but basically always does. Tiny pieces of paper poo poo floating through the air everywhere on every map, because war is hell. Rubble. Match-based team deathplay. The color brown. Possibly some undergrowth, and a corner where you can camp. Sixty dollars you could have spent on a tank of gas, and had some money left over, because we are living in an incredible time. The world around you, seemingly gray and dull, as a husk of your former self huddles over your Xbox One and is brought momentarily back to life in a flash of nostalgia as the number "100" pops up on your screen and you remember a simpler time, when people you liked actually played this dumb poo poo, whose voices are now but a ghostly echo reverberating through your nearly empty mind with words of switching to GTA V or Titanfall that remain now as ever nothing more than an ethereal gust of hope that will never come to be. A single-player portion of a multi-billion dollar franchise where you actually play as a German Shepherd and press X to bark. More team deathmatch. No UAVs, as they're simply too powerful.

And blackness.

That's right. In addition to being the most tactical, one will find that these ops are also 50% blacker than previous Ops encountered by the MLG pro community:


There is, of course, much, much more to come. I plan to update this thread with the factual fervor with which I updated the A&W thread--meaning once, but with a lot of words. But alas, I'm exhausted, and I need to post this before some loving nerd who takes this retarded poo poo seriously posts a thread and I have to wait around until October for it to be totally abandoned and Wazzit to tell me to post another.

So with that, let's all cozy up in our leopard print slankets, throw some pillows around until the bedroom is a mess of feathers and giggles and semen, and suit the gently caress up for Call of Duty

Black Cops (Three)

SunAndSpring posted:

Servers so dedicated, they make Franciscan monks look like the noob shitlords they are

elf help book posted:

lol but also


lol

In Training posted:

Step by step instructions on enjoying Call of Doodie: Black Ops the Third:

1. Buy that motherfucker
2. Put that making GBS threads disc in your assfucking PS4.
3. Unzip your jeans and prepare your butthole for 35 gallons of awesomesauce shot directly in your sweaty man crack.
4. Science bitch!

elf help book posted:

this isnt really console war poo poo but i think its cool that everyone pretty much switched default console to own from 360 to ps4 all together, just a big majority gamer agreement

In Training posted:

It's because the Xbox One has the wrong kind of RAM. *waves from the goldmine*

Black Baby Goku posted:

In all seriousness though folks, I will be buying black ops 3, because call of duty has been great

In Training posted:

It's because the Xbox One has the wrong kind of RAM. *waves from the goldmine*

Black Baby Goku posted:

The "gamer agreement" was saving 100 bucks

elf help book posted:

elf help book posted:

yesterday someone asked me if "video james" came from imp zone

In Training posted:

Step by step instructions on enjoying Call of Doodie: Black Ops the Third:

1. Buy that motherfucker
2. Put that making GBS threads disc in your assfucking PS4.
3. Unzip your jeans and prepare your butthole for 35 gallons of awesomesauce shot directly in your sweaty man crack.
4. Science bitch!

Black Baby Goku posted:

In all seriousness though folks, I will be buying black ops 3, because call of duty has been great

In Training posted:

Step by step instructions on enjoying Call of Doodie: Black Ops the Third:

1. Buy that motherfucker
2. Put that making GBS threads disc in your assfucking PS4.
3. Unzip your jeans and prepare your butthole for 35 gallons of awesomesauce shot directly in your sweaty man crack.
4. Science bitch!

Larry Parrish posted:

Cool post I just read about a different FPS

Why can't they just make a visually updated Tribes1 or Tribes2 Classic, aka The Best Game(s) in The History of Ever? Hi-Rez killed Tribes by removing true freedom of movement (limited maps and speed caps) and introducing all the extraneous bullshit. Just give us the original physics, 3 classes, a couple of vehicles (Shrike, maybe the MPB), and be done with it. Keep the Commander Map and deployables. Restrict scripting to an extent to prevent poo poo like HappyMod from returning, though I admit non-cheating scripts were part of the fun. And no, I don't want any of the community created poo poo like Legends or anything similar.

With today's streaming technology and fast paced, true "e-sport" style of CTF matches, I think it would go over well with the right marketing. Goddamn, some of the best years of my gaming life were from playing on a CTF Ladder team, listening to shoutcasts of matches, dueling for hours on end to perfect my mid-air spinfusor shots, or hell, just skiing around the infinite maps for no reason other than to GO FAST. I've yet to find a game since T2 Classic (though I even enjoyed T2 base) that scratched the itch for strategic depth and twitch gameplay with such freedom of movement.

I played literally every day for over 10 years so I guess I'll give it a shot, but still.... gently caress you, Hi-Rez. Yes I am bitter and angry. Very few things elicit the rage in me as much as the murder of my beloved Video Game!!1 brb need to drink a beer or smoke a bowl to calm down now sorry

In Training posted:

Step by step instructions on enjoying Call of Doodie: Black Ops the Third:

1. Buy that motherfucker
2. Put that making GBS threads disc in your assfucking PS4.
3. Unzip your jeans and prepare your butthole for 35 gallons of awesomesauce shot directly in your sweaty man crack.
4. Science bitch!

FactsAreUseless posted:

That guy tried to brag about making pork by posting a picture of some dry-rear end overcooked pork.

NickRoweFillea posted:

That pulled pork looks like poo poo!