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tao of lmao

You suddenly decide this flying carpet doesn't work anymore? Despite it working for like the last 2 years of this campaign?? And you decided to do this exactly as the party is hovering over an acid pit??? And now you're telling me to roll a dex saving throw???? You know my dex is only 5 wtf.

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tao of lmao

DM: You stand at the edge of a tall cliff. Would you like to get a better look?

Me: No, i'm good

DM: You feel strangely compelled to peer over the edge.

Me: N..NO!

DM: You want to jump, you have nothing left to live for. You want to end this wretched life.

Me: [crying] no i want to live!

DM: You companions agree this is a good idea.

Me: What?

Everyone else: It's true.

Nosfereefer


tao of lmao posted:

DM: You stand at the edge of a tall cliff. Would you like to get a better look?

Me: No, i'm good

DM: You feel strangely compelled to peer over the edge.

Me: N..NO!

DM: You want to jump, you have nothing left to live for. You want to end this wretched life.

Me: [crying] no i want to live!

DM: You companions agree this is a good idea.

Me: What?

Everyone else: It's true.

Splatmaster


HAIKOOLIGAN

DM: You find a Robe. It has 2 buttons labelled "on" and "Off"

Me: gently caress you AND your Robe of Blending!

BYOB fun all year long! Sigs by: Manifisto and Vanisher, awesome BYOB people!!

Ace of Baes

"I attack with my 2-Handed Fiery Greatsword"
*rolls a 19*

DM: I'm sorry, but your swords bounces off the Goblin King and does 0 damage.

"What the gently caress is his AC?"

DM: *looking down at paper that says AC: 99* I'm sorry, that's privileged information.

Ace of Baes

DM: Your ship hits turbulent waters, you're thrown overboard by the force.

Me: Alright...alright...I cast Spell of Swimming

DM: You swim away quickly, into a pack of blood thirsty 40 foot orcas.

Ace of Baes

Me: I enter the weapons shop, and ask what kind of battle axes the merchant carries.

DM: The merchant takes a large war axe off a shelf to show you, but slips and cuts your loving head off.

Me: Dude...

DM: Yeah fucker, you're dead, I'm the DM bitch.

dogcrash truther

by Lowtax

DM: The Orc approaches. Roll for initiative.
Me: I don't have a die.
DM: Oh, that's ok. [chuckles softly to self] I have one for you. Right...here [pulls a die out of a big sack labeled "POISON"]
Me: uhh...are you trying to kill me?
DM: Of course not. Would I be touching this die if it were poison?
Me: No...but why does it have a fuse?

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

tao of lmao

I've rolled like 20 characters and never made it to level 2. The party is 18.

Thingyman


Fumble Houserules
1-5: You accidentally attack Thingyman
6-10: You fall prone, pinning Thingyman to the ground.
11-15: You score a critical hit on Thingyman, dealing exactly as much damage as his current HP
16-20: Everyone in the party, except Thingyman, are fully healed, become invisible, and generally just start to feel really good about their lives.

dogcrash truther

by Lowtax

Thingyman posted:

16-20: Everyone in the party, except Thingyman, are fully healed, become invisible, and generally just start to feel really good about their lives.

haha

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

google THIS


tao of lmao posted:

DM: You stand at the edge of a tall cliff. Would you like to get a better look?

Me: No, i'm good

DM: You feel strangely compelled to peer over the edge.

Me: N..NO!

DM: You want to jump, you have nothing left to live for. You want to end this wretched life.

Me: [crying] no i want to live!

DM: You companions agree this is a good idea.

Me: What?

Everyone else: It's true.

joke_explainer



One of my last games of Dark Heresy, the group was just insanely genre savvy, refusing to take any chances or accept any potentially corrupting influence no matter how beneficial it would be. The second they even started to worry about sanity or anything, it never even took a question, the person in question would just blow their brains out and the person in question would roll up a new character. One character offed himself after he got a 'creepy feeling' after picking up a small statue, and the rest of the party had the building destroyed. It was just a creepy statue. They made it very hard to hit the themes of Dark Heresy when they were just like, the most toe-the-line group I ever met, all just hi-5s and happiness each time they headed some existential threat off at the pass.

Nooner

AN A+ POSTER (:
DM: nooner wtf are you doing?
Me: didn't you knwo, I'm chaotic neutral b*tch!!

Ralp

by Lowtax

joke_explainer posted:

One of my last games of Dark Heresy, the group was just insanely genre savvy, refusing to take any chances or accept any potentially corrupting influence no matter how beneficial it would be. The second they even started to worry about sanity or anything, it never even took a question, the person in question would just blow their brains out and the person in question would roll up a new character. One character offed himself after he got a 'creepy feeling' after picking up a small statue, and the rest of the party had the building destroyed. It was just a creepy statue. They made it very hard to hit the themes of Dark Heresy when they were just like, the most toe-the-line group I ever met, all just hi-5s and happiness each time they headed some existential threat off at the pass.

lol

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Lizard Wizard

mep, mep

i'm sorry, i can't not post this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmzWd0eik44

Al Borland

by XyloJW

My rogue jumped onto a moving undead horse driven carriage acrobatics (pass) and cut it apart with an adamantium sword or whatever that thing is that cuts through anything. Then it rolled and spinned like ad eath spin and I had to make an acrobatics roll for that (pass).

I did some ninja flip pose and was all badass about it. But then the boss came out of the flipped carriage and two magic negative energy spells later I'm dead.
Alexander Lucas the sneaky thief.

Good news is though I got infested with a plague and bit by a ghoul so I rose from the dead and became some kind of new unholy abomination half ghoul half plague.


Now I'm playing shadowrun and holy poo poo is it fun. We're doing twitch streams of the game too and are about 4 games in I may link it some day if you guys wanna see me and myn erd friends play shadowrun.

ITs like DnD but in the future with cars and guns and vtols. Its great I play a rigger who hops into machines and is one with them. Like I literally am the car when I drive it. I just pimped Gertrude (my van) out with camo so I can make it look like anything.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Chill la Chill

Don't lose your gay



HAIKOOLIGAN
my DM is trying to kill me. me? I'm threatening to stop playing our 2-player game if he does

Apparently I'm #1 Kotori fan


thank you matoi and vanisher for the sigs, lovely dad for the cool av

Spiderjelly

Sign of evil.

is he smiling? when the DM smiles, it's already too late, you know

social vegan




DM: The orc rolls for intuition anddd it's a perfect 20

Orc: "I...I think Robert never stopped wetting the bed until ninth grade"

Robert: heh, whoah! Which one of you was named Robert?

Nosfereefer


the usual snacks have been replaced by rat poison. a huge axe is precariously hanging over my chair. what could the dm be up to this time?

tao of lmao

social vegan posted:

DM: The orc rolls for intuition anddd it's a perfect 20

Orc: "I...I think Robert never stopped wetting the bed until ninth grade"

Robert: heh, whoah! Which one of you was named Robert?

lol

Bread Set Jettison


Rogue: I search the door for traps *rolls 15*

DM: You dont find any traps

Rogue: I open the door

DM: You fall through a pit infront of the door

Rogue: I searched for traps?

DM: You searched the door for traps


Splatmaster


HAIKOOLIGAN

Bread Set Jettison posted:

Rogue: I search the door for traps *rolls 15*

DM: You dont find any traps

Rogue: I open the door

DM: You fall through a pit infront of the door

Rogue: I searched for traps?

DM: You searched the door for traps

Me: I listen at the door

DM: Ok, the door is silent. Do you put your ear to the door?

Me: Yes.

DM: Roll!

Me: Natural 20!

DM: OK, you hear nothing at the door. Enjoy your earwig, though!

Me: WHAT?!?!

DM: hehehe

Me: gently caress THIS GAME! **flips table over scattering miniatures and dice everywhere**

BYOB fun all year long! Sigs by: Manifisto and Vanisher, awesome BYOB people!!

Bread Set Jettison


Rogue: I look through the window, unsuspiciously

DM: What does that mean

Rogue: It means I look through the window, unsuspiciously

DM: How are you doing that

Rogue: Unsuspiciously

DM: Ugh, roll a stealth check I guess

Rogue Rolls a 17

DM: You're spotted because you're a moron

Rogue: this is bullshit


Bread Set Jettison


DM: You are suddenly ambushed by Amphibious Fishmen, riding dire sharks

Fighter: I jump into the water and swim away

DM: Aren't you in full plate armor

Fighter: Yeah but Im buff, so its cool

DM nods in agreement


google THIS


DM: you descend to the next floor of the dungeon. your armor has vanished!

me: what the hell?

DM: you see a suit of red padded armor on the floor in front of you.

me: cast identify

DM: +1 AC. no enchantments. there is a strange insignia on the chest.

me: ugh, put it on and have my companions guard me until we find my equipment.

DM: you seem to have gotten separated from your companions.

me: you son of a bitch.

social vegan




DM: You fall through the floor

me: oh okay, where am I now?

DM: you are in a room with a big angry roommate

me: gah! How can I defeat him

DM: his blood curdling scream can be heard through the heavens, "I sure hope no one ate the rest of my doritos while I was gone for only 10 minutes and I said I was going to be gone everyone here knew I was going to be gone they just had to go 10 minutes without eating any doritos

Splatmaster


HAIKOOLIGAN

Me: I want to have my Bard play soothing songs to calm the group after that last attack

DM: Roll!

Me: Ok, I... hey, these aren't dice- they're hand grenades with numbers hand written on them! And the pin is nailed to the table so if I pick one up

DM: BOOM!

Me: I hate you!

BYOB fun all year long! Sigs by: Manifisto and Vanisher, awesome BYOB people!!

DeepQantas

Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...

Splatmaster posted:

Me: I listen at the door

DM: Ok, the door is silent. Do you put your ear to the door?

Me: Yes.

DM: Roll!

Me: Natural 20!

DM: OK, you hear nothing at the door. Enjoy your earwig, though!

Me: WHAT?!?!

DM: hehehe

Me: gently caress THIS GAME! **flips table over scattering miniatures and dice everywhere**
They never should've added earwig to the Ranger's random animal companion list...

Splatmaster


HAIKOOLIGAN

DeepQantas posted:

They never should've added earwig to the Ranger's random animal companion list...

Oh, man...

BYOB fun all year long! Sigs by: Manifisto and Vanisher, awesome BYOB people!!

DeepQantas

Ah, to be a Hero... Keeping such company...

DM: Ok. I have just the solo adventure for you. It's called "Dragon's Lair"
me: Isn't that a video game?
DM: Hm? Oh... I wouldn't know...

Bread Set Jettison


DM: You descend into the depths of the underdark, you breathe in the stale air and feel a strange sense of quiet, a quiet you have never heard before. You hear a distant rattle, that echos through the cave system and then suddenly, mysteriously falls silent.

Me: loving sick ok Im gonna do my best indiana jones RP oke uh Snakes why did it have to be snakes


Splatmaster


HAIKOOLIGAN

Robber: Gimmee your wallet!

Me: Okay! Don't shoot!

DM: Whoa, whoa, whoa WHOA! **hands robber a 20-sided die** You need to roll!

Robber: What the f...

DM: You can't just SHOOT someone, you have to ROLL first!

Robber: **shots me**

Me: Glahhh!

Robber: I just shot him, I didn't roll neither!

DM: (nowhere to be seen)

Me: (before passing out) sonofabitch hid in his own drat shadow...

BYOB fun all year long! Sigs by: Manifisto and Vanisher, awesome BYOB people!!

joke_explainer



'Rogue: Alright, we climb down the hole, using the grappling hook and rope to slow our descent, using the ever bright rod for light.'

'DM: Alright. You proceed further into the dungeon. Roll a fortitude save.'

*rolls*

'DM: Alright. Everyone passes out, and sixteen rounds later, is dead.'

*confusion, complaints*

'Wizard: What the gently caress? Why?'

'DM: The dungeon foreman was performing a nitrogen flush of this area of the dungeon to prevent oxidization damage to chests etc. You guys entered a confined space without a permit or sufficient knowledge about the situation, and asphyxiated due to lack of oxygen. The ever bright rod doesn't require oxygen to burn, regular torches might have tipped you off. Inattention to detail can be deadly.'

tao of lmao

joke_explainer posted:

'Rogue: Alright, we climb down the hole, using the grappling hook and rope to slow our descent, using the ever bright rod for light.'

'DM: Alright. You proceed further into the dungeon. Roll a fortitude save.'

*rolls*

'DM: Alright. Everyone passes out, and sixteen rounds later, is dead.'

*confusion, complaints*

'Wizard: What the gently caress? Why?'

'DM: The dungeon foreman was performing a nitrogen flush of this area of the dungeon to prevent oxidization damage to chests etc. You guys entered a confined space without a permit or sufficient knowledge about the situation, and asphyxiated due to lack of oxygen. The ever bright rod doesn't require oxygen to burn, regular torches might have tipped you off. Inattention to detail can be deadly.'

DM: Didn't you see the sign?

Wizard: No, you never told us there was a sign.

DM: Shoulda rolled perception...

joke_explainer



*pan out*

The CBC investigation found the dungeon hole was marked as a confined space, but the work order for the dungeon crawl did not include any warning about the nitrogen nor was the holding company hiring these contractors prepared for a site emergency. Further,

Ace of Baes

joke_explainer posted:

'Rogue: Alright, we climb down the hole, using the grappling hook and rope to slow our descent, using the ever bright rod for light.'

'DM: Alright. You proceed further into the dungeon. Roll a fortitude save.'

*rolls*

'DM: Alright. Everyone passes out, and sixteen rounds later, is dead.'

*confusion, complaints*

'Wizard: What the gently caress? Why?'

'DM: The dungeon foreman was performing a nitrogen flush of this area of the dungeon to prevent oxidization damage to chests etc. You guys entered a confined space without a permit or sufficient knowledge about the situation, and asphyxiated due to lack of oxygen. The ever bright rod doesn't require oxygen to burn, regular torches might have tipped you off. Inattention to detail can be deadly.'

lol

Thingyman


joke_explainer posted:

'Rogue: Alright, we climb down the hole, using the grappling hook and rope to slow our descent, using the ever bright rod for light.'

'DM: Alright. You proceed further into the dungeon. Roll a fortitude save.'

*rolls*

'DM: Alright. Everyone passes out, and sixteen rounds later, is dead.'

*confusion, complaints*

'Wizard: What the gently caress? Why?'

'DM: The dungeon foreman was performing a nitrogen flush of this area of the dungeon to prevent oxidization damage to chests etc. You guys entered a confined space without a permit or sufficient knowledge about the situation, and asphyxiated due to lack of oxygen. The ever bright rod doesn't require oxygen to burn, regular torches might have tipped you off. Inattention to detail can be deadly.'

"Tonight I'm running a published adventure from OSHA."

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treasure bear


lol

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