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EXTREME BAKA
Mar 13, 2012


quote:

Seattle - The world has changed and we all have become metal men. The National World Metal Men Conference is being held in New York this week to examine the consequences. We are heavy, and can no longer sleep in our beds. We sink in the ocean. Our air planes will not work. We no longer need to eat or drink.

"There is no explanation for this" says Carl East Man, leading biologist. "No one will ever know what happened or why."

We spend our days sitting outside. It is difficult to speak in our old languages. We cannot harm ourselves. Maybe it is no longer possible to die.

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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011



Honeyboy Bradley posted:


I think I already told this story but it's fresh in my mind so here it goes again:

A few years back I was in Chicago for a while and made an OKCupid profile to score easy women off the internet. I started talking to an asian girl who didn't have any clear pictures of herself on her dating profile. She was down to gently caress the Honeyboy after a night of seductive OKC messages so she gave me her number and address and I drove down to get my freak on.

She lives in Boystown. For those who don't know where Boystown is, it's an area of Chicago where all the gays hang out. We were gonna go to a movie in Boystown's theater and then back to her place for nasty interracial sex.

So I'm driving around Boystown by the movie theater and I see an asian girl standing on the street corner. I'm like 'oh gently caress thats gotta be her' because she had the same body type as the girl's OKC profile. So I slow down in my car and wave at her through the front window. She sees me and comes up to my driver's side window and that's when I see it's a loving man.

Like he had a five o'clock shadow and everything. He looked like Mr. Miyagi with a wig on. So I didn't ask any loving questions I just got out of my car and started beating his rear end. Like I went full Tekken combo on this decadent son of Sodom. Then I spit on him and got back in my car and started driving home.

A few minutes later she starts calling my cell and I pick up because I'm ready to talk mad poo poo to this tranny that tried to trick me into going on a date with him. But it was a woman's voice saying 'Where the gently caress are you? You're fifteen minutes late.'

'Uh, is this not just the person I just met?'

'No? What the gently caress I'm still waiting outside the theater'

And that's when I realized I had unwittingly beat up a tranny prostitute. He probably saw me waving at him through my car window and thought I was a John. So I didn't go out on the date that night I just drove home and jerked off. I still feel bad for doing that though. The prostitute was probably like 'Oh theres a John I'm gonna make some cash tonight' but instead he got dropped.

Puppy Galaxy
Aug 1, 2004



Lipstick Apathy


This isn't funny

Uptime Sinclair
Jan 11, 2011

somebody thought it would be cheaper to do it that way


Another oft-requested "classic" that I can never seem to find the originator of:

quote:

You know when you were a kid and your dad was shaving and you'd pretend-shave beside him because you thought it made you look grown-up? Everything redditors do is that same talismanic grasping at symbols of adulthood and sophistication tinged with an air of desperately overthinking it while completely missing the point.

If I use a real straight-razor and make my own lather with a badger brush then that makes me manly and attractive, even though I have scraggly unkempt hair and I'm 50 pounds overweight. If I wear a fedora it will make me cool and sophisticated, even though I'm wearing it with jorts and a le meme t-shirt. If I smoke an ecig then I look hard-boiled and interesting, even though my baby palate means I have to puff candy-flavored clouds of nicotine water from a robot's dick.

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless


Pillbug

from the thread Did not know Lowtax hated Veterans:

Crash_N_Burn posted:

He actually hates vets because of Shmorkys botched neutering

Kenning
Jan 10, 2009

I really want to post goatse. I wish I had 10bux



Puppy Galaxy posted:

This isn't funny

Luckily it's definitely STDH.

pentyne
Nov 7, 2012
I POSTED ON SOMETHINGAWFUL AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS STUPID REDTEXT.


Kenning posted:

Luckily it's definitely STDH.

If that's who I think it is its a GiP poster would say "Hey, I'm gonna make up a really batshit insane story and post in GiP and lets wait until GBS/D&D picks it up context free and spends 10 pages screaming about soldiers being baby rapists. Literally the entire thread was "let's make fake rear end in a top hat stories and see who believes them"

There was another one where he talked about how he's got a Kim Kardashian like rear end, and when his navy ship got a bunch of books him and the crew got drunk and used his buttcheeks to clench the books and rip them in half. Way too many people also took that seriously.

Hogge Wild
Aug 21, 2012

by FactsAreUseless


Pillbug

lol do you have the book ripping story, it was drat good

Triticum Guzzler
Jun 16, 2002


today the best post of all time is

The Golden Man posted:

me: mom i think i may be in trouble for getting $1300 in american money on a donation website by saying I have leukemia please dont sing dragula
mom: dead i am the one
me, sobbing: please please i got a phone call from the canada revenus agency
my dad via speakerphone: conquering the worm

Sleeveless
Dec 25, 2014

I AM TRULY ONE OF THE WORST POSTERS ON THIS SITE. LOOK UPON THIS GUY MANN REREG AND DESPAIR.


pentyne posted:

If that's who I think it is its a GiP poster would say "Hey, I'm gonna make up a really batshit insane story and post in GiP and lets wait until GBS/D&D picks it up context free and spends 10 pages screaming about soldiers being baby rapists. Literally the entire thread was "let's make fake rear end in a top hat stories and see who believes them"

There was another one where he talked about how he's got a Kim Kardashian like rear end, and when his navy ship got a bunch of books him and the crew got drunk and used his buttcheeks to clench the books and rip them in half. Way too many people also took that seriously.

Good to see that even war criminals can have a sense of humor.

FactsAreUseless
Feb 16, 2011


Triticum Guzzler posted:

today the best post of all time is
It's good.

DJ Fuckboy Supreme
Feb 10, 2011

And when you stare long into the abyss, you become aggressively, terminally chill




Tiggum
Oct 23, 2007


JacquelineDempsey posted:

A couple years ago, I did a few months stint in jail. I gave a friend my SA password so she could print out this thread and mail it to me, to make me chuckle and keep my sanity intact. So, yeah, I'm a bit biased on this subject. Also, thanks to everyone posting, your humorous posts/edits kept me me sane during that arduous experience

Breetai
Nov 6, 2005

Mah spoon is too big!


Kiss Kiss Bang Bang posted:

The more I think about it the more I love that the OP's soul mate, who he is destined to love and support forever, is a demisexual womyn with vaginsmus and major depressive disorder. That is not the work of a cold and uncaring universe..that is the work of a universe run by FYAD.

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Gravy Boat 2k

ArfJason posted:

I was at Macy's thanksgiving parade and it was time for the balloons to pass by my street. I looked out my window and saw all those classic icons of cartoons, like spongebob, mickey mouse and he-man. Then came movie characters, and there was this loving massive balloon of the dragon from the neverending story (falcor?), and those creatures from Gremlins, among other things. After that came corporate mascots, you know stuff like Coca Cola's Santa Claus, Chester Cheetah and Tony Tiger.

But what caught my attention, was what the Camel cigarette company brought. It was an insanely gigantic Camel, seems they wanted to bring him back and make him relevant again. He stood taller than some buildings, and had a cigarette on his mouth that was thicker than a subway train.

That was the very first time I saw a bigger fag than ralp.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

The Sexual Shiite
Apr 11, 2007



So she should be banned for account sharing, got it.

Burt Sexual
Jan 26, 2006

I'm the SIX to your NEIN


Switchblade Switcharoo


that was amazing

Tiggum
Oct 23, 2007


Neddy Seagoon posted:

Horseplay always leads to roughhousing.

Bart Fargo
Mar 24, 2005


Anyone have the story Tossed Salad Man told about Special Earnhardt?

TITTIEKISSER69
Mar 19, 2005

I'M JUST HERE TO KISS TITTIESS AND WIN FOOTBALL GAMES!
(AND GET EVERYBODY FIRED)


Pillbug

9:50pm:

moist turtleneck posted:

I refused to participate in our senior "prank" because the idea was to remove everyone's license plates and throw them in a pile. It was so goddamn stupid.

9:50pm:

Kruller posted:

The senior prank for my senior year in highschool was just taking all the license plates off the sophomore's cars and putting them in a big pile. It's surprising how many people don't know what their plate number is.

^^ sup

9:51pm:

moist turtleneck posted:

How the gently caress did that just happen

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Gravy Boat 2k

Wilford Cutlery posted:

9:50pm:


9:50pm:


9:51pm:


Content:

Lord Binky posted:

fyad is like a school bully who dumps your books and calls you a fag in front of girls you like. You pretend it upsets you but you actually kind of enjoy it in a pathetic sort of way

Sham bam bamina! has a new favorite as of 05:45 on Nov 12, 2015

Pierson
Oct 31, 2004



College Slice


LegoPirateNinja posted:

anne frank clueless as usual

massive spider
Dec 6, 2006

sets off a "weirdly specific fetish artwork" vibe

The book barn is impatient for the next ASOIAF.

mind the walrus posted:

It's a pretty good metaphor for the series, becoming a tree. Becoming something so ossified, dull, and slow-growing it loses all appeal

Grendels Dad posted:

On the other hand, trees become books so it's actually a bad metaphor for the series.

Sapozhnik
Jan 2, 2005



Nap Ghost

OwlFancier posted:

What actually happened with those laws? I seem to recall it ended up illegal to produce porn of that in the UK or something but not illegal to watch?

Because I mean, if that's so, they're really only hurting the economy by creating a purely import market for being pissed on while a big woman sits on your face.

JFairfax posted:

that reminds me, how is your mum?

OwlFancier posted:

Well hydrated, thanks.

A Shitty Reporter
Oct 29, 2012


Dinosaur Gum

PT6A posted:

I like lots of different fonts in --WEIRD STYLES-- with ==odd== lines going ALL OVER THE GODDAMN PLACE because _-_-I'm a giant retard who lives in Vancouver!-_-_

sweeperbravo
May 18, 2012

AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)


DOWN JACKET FETISH posted:

so when the cyclops and the medusa bang and have magic babies will they be a bunch of one-eyed snakes

because that would be ironic, for a lesbian couple

Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012


Lipstick Apathy

Yad Rock posted:

*yelling into radio* eunhhh, you guys gotta come quick, i'm in the woods and i'm getting shot at by a guy named... *looks around for ideas* stick... leaf...man. Stick Leafman! that's his name

Hemingway To Go!
Nov 10, 2008

im stupider then dog shit, i dont give a shit, and i dont give a fuck, and i will never shut the fuck up, and i'll always Respect my enemys.
- ernest hemingway


did you hear the big video game news?????

Continuum Potato
Sep 2, 2011


From Your Photos Look Like poo poo:

Booger Presley posted:

That forehead glint is so bad it looks like someone stuck a Post-it note on him when he wasn't looking.

value-brand cereal
May 2, 2008

Does it feel like your love life has gotten a bit stale? Do you suspect that your partner is no longer attracted to you? Why not do what the ancient assyrians did and smear crushed Lobsta Fahts on their cock before applying a thin layer of Iron Dust on your Junk. They won’t be able to resist you.


Magic Hate Ball posted:

All I remember about third grade was that we had a sea monkeys tank that a girl knocked over, and then she cried a lot because she "killed them". Also our teacher put stuffed animal keychains above the whiteboard and when you memorized all your times tables you got to pick one and take it home or put it on your backpack or whatever. As the year progressed, and everyone else memorized their times tables, the stuffed animals dwindled until there was just one left. The teacher let me sit the test one last time on the last day of class, but I still wasn't able to do it. She took the stuffed animal down and put it in her desk, and told me that, maybe, if I came back after summer and passed the test I could have it. Then we moved and I never saw it again.

I still don't know my times tables, out of SPITE.

Chuck Buried Treasure
Dec 27, 2010



Skylark posted:

i swear on steve jobs' grave that i will make an additional, third movie about steve jobs' grave

Pound_Coin
Feb 5, 2004




flosofl posted:

If someone asked, before this moment, "Flosofl, do you ever think you'll read about someone having an existential crisis regarding the fundamentals of a narrative while editing werewolf porn?" the answer would have been no.

Then I'd think, "Oh, yeah. The Internet." and change my answer.

Faux-Ass Nonsense
Feb 9, 2013

by Lowtax


The Golden Man posted:

This is going back a Ways but LF Superstar FiatCourtesy smelled a black Guys hes from basically Montana he smelled a black guys dreadlock on the bus at the Debate finals and when Noelle was like uh you cant just smell a guys dread he accuesd her of fingering Scarlet during blindfolded nap/cuddle stim-comedown touch acclimatization workshop to deflect attention from it.

crack mayor
Dec 22, 2008


cash crab posted:

I feel that by going through the trouble of rubbing a greasy burger on your own anus in order to exact some kind of revenge on someone, you have actually owned yourself more than them.

Ride The Gravitron
May 2, 2008

by FactsAreUseless



Lawrence Gilchrist posted:

anime of the state

Trig Discipline
Jun 3, 2008

Please leave the room if you think this might offend you.


Grimey Drawer

Broken Machine posted:

Postcards from the Edge is a good film, just rewatched it the other day


NoneMoreNegative posted:

Hi, Mum & Dad

I loving hate Bono, he struts around like he owns the place! tours going well other than that.

love,

E.

Tiggum
Oct 23, 2007


Splizwarf posted:

A fanny pack.

Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012


Lipstick Apathy

mysterious loyall X posted:

it's probably pretty harrowing to return from a 7 year stint at the gym and see this kind of flame. here's an old school yad boy, just wants to crack some jokes about font kerning, ask where docevil, babby dooies, EVILKERMITWOLF, anime_aubergine, et al. went, and see what the new kids are up to, aND let everyone know that he has been getting ripped at the gym for 7 years, feeling the hot toned abs of female personal trainers who despite their workout routines still have huge bboobies as well, eating athigly zagat rated restraunts, living in california, making a deece salary of upwards of five figures. and they're greeted by this negative crap. no wonder everyone took off.

System Metternich
Feb 28, 2010

But what did he mean by that?

Lutha Mahtin posted:

im permabanned poster poperstomper95. i first started reading ephesians when i was about 12. by 14 i got really obsessed with the concept of “grace” and tried to channel it constantly, until my thought process got really bizarre and i would repeat things like “i got your good works right here pal” and “i love making GBS threads inside the pope's hat” in my head for hours, and i would get really paranoid, start seeing things in the corners of my eyes etc, basically beer-induced schizophrenia. im now on a diet of worms. i always wondered what the kind of “ironic” style of latin humor was all about; i think it’s the unconscious leaking in to the conscious, what jungian theory considered to be the cause of schizophrenic and schizotypal syptoms. i would advise all people who “get” latin to be careful because that likely means you have a predisposition to wearing silly robes. peace.

Rodrigo Diaz posted:

EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A TOME INTO THE LECTERN. IT’S THE BOOK IF HOURS AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE I START DOING THE PRAYERS ALONGSIDE WITH THE MAIN CHARACTER, CHRIST. I DO EVERY PRAYER AND I DO EVERY PRAYER HARD. MAKIN ALLELUIAH SOUNDS WHEN I SLAM DOWN SOME "LORD HAVE MERCY"S OR EVEN WHEN I MESS UP THE PSALM. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY SANG CHRISTENDOM'S MOST PIOUS HYMNS. I CAN. I SAY IT AND I SAY IT OUTLOUD EVERYDAY TO PEOPLE IN MY SEMINARY CLASS AND ALL THEY DO IS PROVE PEOPLE IN SEMINARY CLASS CAN STILL BE IMMATURE JEKRS. AND IVE LEARNED ALL THE LINES AND IVE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE MYSELF AND MY CHURCH LESS LONELY BY SHOUTING EM ALL. 9 HOURS INCLUDING WIND DOWN EVERY MORNIng

the Liturgical Christianity thread has been good lately

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The Sexual Shiite
Apr 11, 2007


Daimo posted:

What the gently caress is wrong with you people who don't know where to stick your dicks?

mobby_6kl posted:

Sorry, I just get a bit confused when your mom's not around.

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