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I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Preemptively getting this out of the way:

JCaesar posted:

gently caress all the pop song puppy love bullshit. Your heart skipping a beat isn't love, it's cardiac arrhythmia. It's not about shortness of breath, either, or how turned on you get or whether you tell yourself you'd throw yourself in front of a bus for her or whatever. You can convince yourself of a lot about how you feel and what you would do in exchange for regular oral sex.
Love is when she drives you insane sometimes. And I don't mean merely "aggravating" or "annoying," I mean flat-out loving in. Sane. And in a way nobody else can do it in a million years. She'll drive you to the point where you'd gouge out your own eyeball with a melon baller or smack your scrotum a half-dozen times with a ball peen hammer if it means you can be done with this conversation. She'll make you want to chew your own arm off to get out of talking about this. And I don't care how many loving times you've had this conversation, each time, you know you'll have it again:

Her: I thought you turned the heat on.
You: I did.
Her: Well, I'm still cold. Are you sure you did it right?
You: Yes, I'm pretty sure I know how to turn on a thermostat.
Her: 'Cause you know you have to flip the switch to "heat" and....
You: Honey! I know! How to turn on! A thermostat! I went to college for it and everything.
Her: Well, I don't feel any heat blowing in here.
You: I know. I think you broke the thermostat again.
Her: I didn't break it.
You: Yes, you did, you put that halogen lamp right next to it again.
Her: That doesn't do anything.
You: Yes, it does.
Her: I thought you fixed it?
You: I did fix it, and you broke it again.
Her: Are you sure you fixed it right?
You: Yes, goddammit, I fixed it right.
Her: How do you know you fixed it?
You: 'Cause it worked when I fixed it!
Her: Well, it's not working now.
You: 'Cause you broke it again!
Her: How'd I break it?
You: You put the goddamn, loving lamp next to it!
Her: I don't see why a lamp would break a thermostat.
You: OK. I'm going to explain this. One more time. Slowly. Thermostats have a coil inside them that expands and contracts based on the temperature. This is how they know when it is hotter than the setting of the A/C, so it can cool the room off, or colder than the setting of the heating, so it can heat the room up. Halogen lamps generate heat. Halogen lamps generate a lot of heat. That's why you burn your fingers when you touch the bulbs after they've been on for a while. So when you put a halogen lamp next to a thermostat, it causes the coil to keep expanding and expanding and expanding past the point it's intended to expand. This makes the thermostat think it's really, really hot all the time, and it makes the coil less sensitive in the future, and it'll eventually break the coil so I'll have to replace the thermostat.
Her: That doesn't sound right.
You: Trust me. It's right.
Her: How do you know?
You: BECAUSE I TOOK SIXTH GRADE loving PHYSICS, OK?!
Her: Well, I don't think they should make thermostats that can be broken by something little like a lamp.
You: Fine. Don't think that. Write a letter to the manufacturers. Write a letter to universities and tell them to build a better thermostat. I don't loving care. But that's how they make them. That's why I keep moving the lamp, that's why I keep telling you not to put it back to the right of the bookcase, that's why I've had to fix the thermostat four loving times now. Stop! Putting! The lamp! Right! Next! To the thermostat!
Her: But on the other side of the bookcase, the front of the hallway is dark, and I can't see inside my gift closet.
You: Well, you can turn on the hall light to go through your gift closet, or you can sit here and be cold! Your choice, honey!
Her:
You:
Her:
You:
Her: I don't think you fixed the thermostat right.
You: GOD-MOTHERFUCKING-DAMMIT, I'M GOING TO FIX THAT MOTHERFUCKING THERMOSTAT TOMORROW, AND I SWEAR TO MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST IF YOU PUT THE LAMP NEAR THE THERMOSTAT AGAIN, I WILL SMASH IT TO A MILLION loving PIECES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR GODDAMN THROAT!!! MOTHERFUCK ME, JESUS!!!!!!

And if the seventh time you have that conversation, knowing full well there will be an eighth time, you'd still rather have that conversation again than imagine a world she's not in, you're in love.
Especially if you do fix that thermostat... again... the next day, and not just so she'll shut up about it, but because you really don't want her to be cold anymore.

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I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Kajeesus posted:

Burger King Jesus

You forgot the best one:

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Wilford Cutlery posted:

Don't remember who this is attributed to, I had to Google it:

RandomFerret.

I saved that one too.

Also:

Aaron Burr posted:

Because the Republican party is full of rich dudes named "Fred" and whenever anybody mentions 'gay rights' the Freds think back to that spring afternoon in the Choate locker room when the freshman with the floppy hair and the blue eyes slipped a hand under the Freds' towel and gave the Freds a little smirk and said "just relax" and for just one minute everything was glorious and after that the Freds went on to jobs they hated and wives, ditto, and after twenty years they saw in the paper where the blue-eyed freshman was an ACLU attorney dying of AIDS who became free in all the ways the Freds couldn't and nothing, nothing, nothing pisses the Freds off like reminding them of that beautiful spring day at Choate.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Here's another oft-requested quote. No idea who originally posted it, though.

On conservatives/libertarians:

quote:

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.

I then log on to the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can’t do anything right.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

In the Stephen King thread, we kid because we love:

oldpainless posted:

I remember In [On] Writing king said he has absolutely no time for bad books whatsoever and then releases a pile of poo poo.

Something to be learned there


syscall girl posted:

If you meet the Buddha Stephen King walking down the road...


Aquarium Gravel posted:

Run him over? It's been tried.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

I saved a screenshot of the review.

Show, don't tell.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

theflyingorc posted:

the best PI thing is still the person trying to own a maremma.

basically bringing one of the only breeds that is ACTUALLY a murderdog and putting it in a house with small children

The followup being that a few months later, she turned up on another dog forum asking people about how to re-home the dog that PI told her not to get in the first place.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Pigsfeet on Rye posted:

The 70's had some interesting outlooks on style.


PCOS Bill posted:

Did you not read the Constitution? You have the right to bear arms.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Bucephalus posted:

Goddamnit I've ruined the thread.

No you haven't, I'm in search of a seriouspost right now myself.

Does anyone have the quote that started with a goon's great-(great-?) grandmother sending her sons off to war, and ending with something to the effect of "A new war is coming..." The very last sentence is something like "Assuming you live long enough to learn that peculiar knowledge of the [something]."

It shows up in these quotes threads a lot -- I want to say it was an Adaptive Systems post, but I can't swear to it.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Van Kraken posted:

Adaptive Systems brilliance

Thank you so much for that. It is still every bit as good as it was the first time I read it.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Shugojin posted:

you also bragged about driving 7 hours to gently caress a college freshman at age 36 or whatever you are you stupid fuckstain


Man, it's true what they say about stuff on the internet following you around forever.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

bunky posted:

I'm into this dude's business model.


gleebster posted:

So he doesn't work from home?

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Pre-emptive apology for quoting myself, but Hyperlynx's reply is where the funny is. I'm just the setup.

Liquid Chicken posted:

Knitastic Four



Zamboni_Rodeo posted:

I can only dream of being half as fashionable as these guys.

Hyperlynx posted:

If you were half as fashionable as the guy on the left, you'd be naked.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

kalstrams posted:

All-caps one is the sex meme of 2015

Phyzzle posted:

You mean cuck?


Sweet Jesus motherfucking titty Christ, if I NEVER see or hear this word again, I'll be the happiest loving person these goddamn forums have ever seen.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

PCOS Bill posted:

I spent $800 making a rich rear end in a top hat AR-15 pistol. A tattoo is retarded though.

Inzombiac posted:

I etched #FeelTheBern into my shotgun because sharing ammunition is high-velocity socialism.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan


Best part of that whole article:

quote:

The coroner listed the cause of death as massive trauma.


Well, yeah.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

^^^^^^ Trig Discipline is a genius.


Part of Everything posted:

Which one of you chucklefucks did this?



Son of Thunderbeast posted:

And I'll look down and whisper, "A miscarriage is definitely not a joke, and I have no intention of making light of it. And it can be a tough and emotional thing for couples to go through, speaking from personal experience. And I know that it's often much harder on the woman than on the man. However, I also know that it doesn't necessarily turn you into a sad, depressed sack of tears for the rest of your life. People can move past it, and heal."

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Avshalom posted:

like a loving nude slenderman with a snake face idk i spent most of that summer sitting naked in front of a fan and walking a labrador with behavioural difficulties who once ate a whole 750gram bag of uncooked almonds and got wild diarrhoea so every five seconds she'd squat and this stream of undigested whole almonds would go pop-pop-pop-pop-pop out of her rear end in a top hat like a machine gun. anyway that was what i was dealing with and that's how i forgot that you could draw an anthropomorphic toaster with red-hot slots and someone on the internet will still want to have sex with it

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan







I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

poptart_fairy posted:

This post is unbelievably dumb but I can't bring myself to hate it, entirely due to the phrase "vag-scented femstick".

Wait, wait wait -- where the hell is your farting fairy av?

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan


Hahaha, WOW.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Jummy posted:

When I studied ASL a couple years back we learned all sorts of weird poo poo, but I think the one that took the cake was the day our Deaf teacher told us that calling him "hearing disabled" was the same as calling a black person the n-word.

Pigsfeet on Rye posted:

So what did he want to be called? Mos Deaf?

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan


Expected that thread and was not disappointed.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan


Saint Freak posted:

Ah yes the ol' local Holocaust Center. Thought I'd pop down to the local Holocaust Center and pick up some supplies. I heard two towns over is getting one of those Super Holocaust Centers with a butcher shop and everything.

ElGroucho posted:

Got some rad savings down at the Holocaust center, I heard they've got a patio area now too

Saint Freak posted:

Just don't ask to use their 'alternative washrooms'

Phanatic posted:

But their housewares collection is amazing. They have some really nice lamps.

Bobby Digital posted:

Why not just buy in bulk at Caustco?

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Powaqoatse posted:

yeah!!

i think i smell burnt feathers and almonds

That's not autism; it's a stroke.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

I would blow Dane Cook posted:

I lived with a boyfriend in his parents house in Ohio. They were fairly wealthy and had a giant mansion-like house, and one room that was roped- off, that his crazy mother rarely let anyone allow to walk inside. She called it her princess room, and it was basically a shrine to Princess Diana. White carpet, fancy velvet couch, hundreds of Diana portraits in golden frames, dolls that looked like Diana (so many dolls), Diana memorabilia, magazine covers, books, etc etc. But best of all, a gigantic clear glass grand piano with a gigantic picture of Princess Diana's face on the top of it, with the word "FOREVER". I'll never forget that room, i'll never forget how horrible his mother was, and i'll never forget peeing in the middle of her perfectly white carpet in that creepy room before I moved away forever.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Malachite_Dragon posted:

is Dreddout having a psychotic break, or

He's probably auditioning for a mod position.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

poly and open-minded posted:

do you have hairs in your stouse?


I love it when stuff like this happens:

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Absurd Alhazred posted:

Why didn't you just quote the damned thing?

Ordinarily I would, but in this case, I wanted to show it the way it appeared on the screen (with Shai Halud's username/avatar).

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

marshmallow creep posted:

My father, now 65, hasn't had an accident since he was 16 when he took his dad's VW off a levy and nearly put it in a river.

Tony Snark posted:

The first draft of a American Pie didn't rhyme very well.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Terrible Robot posted:

I have such sights to show you.

read from this post onward
https://forums.somethingawful.com/s...9#post459943640

It really starts to get good on page 32. Palpek is a hero.



I love this every time it gets posted.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

corn in the bible posted:

i like my bands in business suits, i watch them on youtube,

Have I got a band for you, then:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H75hBXvjsw

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Jedit posted:

Which is why I've always been against TCC posts being quoted in this thread. The entire subforum is a collection of people constantly revising their suicide notes because they're not sure exactly when they'll need one.

This is probably the single best description of TCC I've ever seen.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

purple death ray posted:

Video games are a gateway to literal white supremacy apparently so I guess everyone just meditate quietly in a cabin somewhere

Yup, because that always works out great.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

mind the walrus posted:

If you right-click and select "Copy Image Address" then pasting it will give the [img] tags automatically. No need for that bullshit arrow.

This is how I do it.

Also, walrus, I'm totally in love with your new avatar.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan


FMguru posted:

THIS MAN MAY NEVER ESCAPE HIS WATERY GRAVE

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

EmmyOk posted:

This is such a stupid conversation even for the funny quotes thread

Let me see if I can help:

SpacePig posted:

e: That article, and every one linked from it, says it's a felony possession of a lead pipe. Is that a thing? Is it illegal to have a lead pipe in some states?

Karate Bastard posted:

ah, the classic "ceci n'est pas une pipe" defense.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

While we're waiting for fresh content, here's one from my archives:

M R CRACKER posted:

They say "The grass is always greener." That means that you always like things more if you aren't sitting in the middle of them.

For example, someone tries to steal your car, and they try really hard to crack in, but once they make it, all they get is junk under the seat, and your receipts. Now they don't want the car anymore, but it's too late.

Life is like that. By the time you figure out that everything is just a scam and they want you to do all the dirty work, you die. If you ask someone "Do you want to never work again and never gain weight?" They would say yes, but it turns out that's called death.

I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Absurd Alhazred posted:

Oranges: the new black.

Jedit posted:




Checks out.


I was gonna re-quote these in the funny quotes thread, and whaddya know! I'm already here!

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I Shot The Serif
Jul 19, 2007



Tortured By Flan

Bobcats posted:

Looks like she found the Walther's Originals

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