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derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

also gj everyone, many good words on my screen

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Chic Trombone
Jul 25, 2010



I'm not gonna use a rating system, I'm just playing by ear but everything I've read so far has been good imo

Still got a couple stories left to read tho

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!


I haven't read anything but my own writing and I barely read that

Hal Incandenza
Feb 12, 2004

Game's over, and fuck you Jimson. It's not my fault that you guys couldn't get your shit together by deadline. No one gets access to docs because I don't fucking care anymore, I hope you all enjoyed ruining my game, and there won't be another.


Quidnose posted:

I haven't read anything but my own writing and I barely read that

I still coming for you Qui'dnose!

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


FIRST UP:

DERP

- 3 stars baseline
- Not ecco, +0
- Female perspective, +3
- Reasonable names +0
- No obvious typos, +0
- Genuinely interesting and compelling, +2
- Not boring, +0
- No filling, +0
- No twist or unexpected development, +0

Total:
+8, or, 5/5. Good work! I am eager to see how the mirrors play out with the time dilation being what it is wherever Lin is going.


=============

Next, LUTR I guess? Multiple parts yawn. Secret new rule: -1 for prologues/prologue-esque posts. Will apply this when I get to her main script.

============

Chic oh no you too? say it ain't so.

============

Ok Meinberg here we go:

- 3 stars baseline
- Not ecco, +0
- Has a named female character who is not a plot device, +1 (she seems reeeeeeally close to a plot device though, I hope she's developed more than just a [stern?] unseen voice).
- Evgenia Thistleton is okay but Ozart? -1. Also not that it matters but "Frances" is typically the female form of "Francis."
- "Her voice remained perfectly"? Perfectly what? -1. Pet peeve but technically it should be "Frances's." "Frances'" means the multiple France own something. -0 since I am kind. "Singing" -> "Singeing" -1.
- I didn't really find it that interesting, sorry. +0
- It wasn't boring either. Just, War Sci-Fi isn't really my jam. +0.
- No filling, +0
- Told pretty straightforwardly. +0

1/5. Not a high score but you can turn it around in round 2 maybe? Let's see how the rest do.

======

HALBERT Incandenza

- 3 baseline
- +0 not ecco, alas
- No female characters, -3
- Normal names, +0
- I liked the mysterious film part, I hope that becomes the focus of the story rather than Two Stoners: The Short Story. +2
- Not boring, +0.
- No filler, +0
- No twists (yet?), +0

2/5.

========

Jonathan Joeseph

- 3
- still not ecco!! +0
- Female character with a name. +1 (this was -1 until I got to the end)
- I know it's fantasy but Adreilla? Eveningsmarch? Ugh. -1.
- No typos I can see. +0
- Ehhhh it was, eh. +0.
- Kinda boring. -1. The twist at the end, that she isn't a helpless waif, was nice but not enough to make me retroactively interested in her deal.
- No filling. +0
- Twist, +2

4/5, good score, you survive to round 2.

========

Quidnose!

- 3
- isn't ecco??? +0
- No lady-type characters, -3.
- Dumb names! -1.
- No typos, +0
- I actually really liked the story, sort of Pratchett-esque. +2. Secret bonus point for "'Thanks. I went gluten free a year ago'" making me laugh out loud irl. +1
- Not boring! +0
- No filler! I initially suspected there would be when I eyed over it yesterday (all the dialogue -> easy padding), but the dialogue was funny so I approved. +0
- Nothing unexpected, +0.

2/5, up the number of women from 0 to at least 1! You can do it I believe in you!

==========

Loooter!

- 3 baseline remember don't forget it's important
- eccccoooo where u at bro *flexes* +0
- Alison is a great name, +3.
- No typos, +0
- yaaaawwwwwnnnnnnnn *dramatic arm stretching* +0
- I thought it was kinda boring. The band has some weird drama going on but I don't particularly feel or care for any of the characters so far. -1.
- Not gonna lie I totally skimmed over that second song. -1.
- Not much really happened at all. +0.

- -1 for the prologue-esque stage directions part. I know it's a script but I, ecco, don't really care either way. I want to read a story.


3/5

=========

CHIC

- 3 to start
- closer to ecco but still not quite, +0.
- Lady-type people! Hooray! +3
- Normal names! +0
- I liked the story! +2
- Not at all boring! The exposition parts were a little exposition-y but the meat of the story, the interrogation, was engrossing. +0
- The exposition at the beginning was okay, so no filler aside from the prologue (applied at the end). +0
- The murder would have had a bigger punch I think if we got to know the characters first a little, maybe if the "prologue" had been the first half of chapter two or something? idk. Regardless this is a +0 category so you're ok.
- -1 for the prologue.

7, or 5/5. I am very eager to see where it goes!

======

Littlest Mackenzie

- Start off with 3
- No no no no now you're less ecco than before!!! +0
- really?. please let this go somewhere unexpected. oh good it's just a dream. ehhhh harriet is kind of a plot device so far, sorry. -3.
- Normal names, really normal, refreshingly normal. +0
- I want to read chapter 2 at least. +2.
- It was also kinda boring at the same time, somehow. The narrator seems like the rough outline of a sleazier-than-he-thinks stereotype. -1.
- No filler, though I hope the dream winds up being particularly meaningful.
- Straightforward.

1/5. I hope this turns into something more than a pastiche of the detective genre, because I think it has a lot of potential, but this first chapter was felt a little cliche (even if you acknowledge it through a lampshade).

========

IT'S ECCO

- 3!!
- ECCO AT LONG LAST HOORAY +5!!!!
- A LEADING LADY WHY THAT'S ANOTHER +3!!!
- Erzsa is a stupid name, or so I thought, but then I noticed you said "back home and live with Anya?", and if I recall correctly, "Anya" is Hungarian for "Mother." Erzsa is short for Erzsebet, the Hungarian form of Elizabeth! She's Hungarian! Interesting! +0.
- No typos I can see, +0.
- I felt like a lot of her backstory wasn't as compelling as you clearly thought it was, and your prose is a little too pretentious and self-aware. +0.
- I wasn't bored though, as I read the bit I found myself feeling the loneliness in her life, the isolation from human contact through the machines, through creepers, through her empty apartment. +0.
- No filler.
- The twist felt a little sudden, I wish you had built that up a little more, but I liked it. Is the story going to focus on who she left behind? Or will she survive and deal with the consequences? I don't know. +0.

11/5!!! WOAH somehow it's stuck at 11!! wow that's impressive go you.




hey I'm done.

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


If Diqnol doesn't get m-m-m-modkilled for not participating, then [b]##vote Little Mac[/url], since his score tied with Meinberg's but he posted later (meaning he had more time to fix it or something? idk in retrospect maybe I should have done it for whoever posted earlier).

Better idea: LM and Meinberg, challenge my rating/explain away my perception of your problems, and whoever is less persuasive gets the vote.

Hooray!

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

magical teen bomb squad



Grimey Drawer

Mr. modman what's the over/under on private communication to ask other players things related to writing, but not voting?

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

ICE-MEIN


EccoRaven posted:

Better idea: LM and Meinberg, challenge my rating/explain away my perception of your problems, and whoever is less persuasive gets the vote.

First off, the names are perfectly fine. I may make the Frances to Francis change, I probably should have done a little more research into the differences between those two ahead of time. Also Orzart is good because it helps to set the world apart, while still using phonemes that are common in Earth-based names, particularly of a northern European extraction, which will have thematic relevance eventually.

Second, I wanted to start off the story with a bang and an action heavy beat. The war is not the focus of the story, but is here to provide excitement, a look at the level of technology present in the world, and a peek into the psychology of this character. Later on, the story will develop to be far less focused on the action and more on the nature of the class structure and its inherent inequalities, as a way of making commentary on the nature of the class structure of our world, but with the aesthetic difference of a speculative fiction setting.

Finally, it's less sci-fi and more fantasy in a world with early modern levels of technology, albeit with some alterations to allow for cool giant robot fights.

Jonathan Fisk
Sep 6, 2010


POSTING
Champion
of
Something Awful


Mine is probably worse than theirs but in my defense they aren't my characters

Hal Incandenza
Feb 12, 2004

Game's over, and fuck you Jimson. It's not my fault that you guys couldn't get your shit together by deadline. No one gets access to docs because I don't fucking care anymore, I hope you all enjoyed ruining my game, and there won't be another.


Ecco you are just assuming the main character in my story is male, that seems sexist of you.

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


Tremendous Taste posted:

Mine is probably worse than theirs but in my defense they aren't my characters

I missed yours I am the worst.

- 3
- not ecco +0
- no ladies -3
- The Reverend is kinda a dumb but at least it's Earth-names +0
- No typos +0
- I didn't find the story particularly compelling +0
- not boring though, just, the story sorta happened somewhat listlessly. Had you had more time to expand on it then it'd probably have been more engaging +0
- The stuff with the boy feels like filler, but I'll let it pass since I am also kind. +0.
- The final line is interesting but not really an unexpected twist or something. +0.

that's a solid 0. welp.

##vote tremta

George Kansas
Sep 1, 2008

ad astra per proletarii


Diqnol is modkilled. 9 remaining.

jon joe posted:

Mr. modman what's the over/under on private communication to ask other players things related to writing, but not voting?

Totes fine. But yeah don't do it with the voting stuff.

Little Mac
Jan 3, 2006

Super Mario Bros 3

I wish we could just all vote Diqnol instead of modkilling him then we could all get a second chapter in!

I am not particularly pleased with my first chapter, but it was rushed. Admittedly, the conceit of my story doesn't really begin until chapter two. Mostly it's introducing a character's motivation and the main mystery.

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


Hal Incandenza posted:

Ecco you are just assuming the main character in my story is male, that seems sexist of you.

your narrator is officially genderless so far (though I wouldn't really imagine a guy talking to a female friend as "ya bastard" "buddy" etc.), but the impression I've gotten from the tone of how they speak and how they think that says "this is a masculine person."

I suppose in chapter two you have lots of room to change it if you like, but right now it reads to me "two dudes smoking pot on a movie theater roof."

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

ICE-MEIN


RIP Diqnol, so it goes, another must feed the flames.

I do not yet have a metric for judging the stories, but I'll give them all a looksie probably tonight, and get to judging sooner rather than later.

Little Mac
Jan 3, 2006

Super Mario Bros 3

I was thinking of going either with a sweeping space comedy, an existential mystery, Presidential fanfiction, or what I actually went with. I believe I made the right choice!

George Kansas
Sep 1, 2008

ad astra per proletarii


Little Mac posted:

I wish we could just all vote Diqnol instead of modkilling him then we could all get a second chapter in!

I am not particularly pleased with my first chapter, but it was rushed. Admittedly, the conceit of my story doesn't really begin until chapter two. Mostly it's introducing a character's motivation and the main mystery.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I'll allow it.

Diqnol is auto-voted out, but will still be on the endgame jury. Continue with critiques and comments and such and I will set a deadline for chapter 2!

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


Meinberg posted:

First off, the names are perfectly fine. I may make the Frances to Francis change, I probably should have done a little more research into the differences between those two ahead of time. Also Orzart is good because it helps to set the world apart, while still using phonemes that are common in Earth-based names, particularly of a northern European extraction, which will have thematic relevance eventually.
eh. Ozart is still kinda dumb.

quote:

Second, I wanted to start off the story with a bang and an action heavy beat. The war is not the focus of the story, but is here to provide excitement, a look at the level of technology present in the world, and a peek into the psychology of this character. Later on, the story will develop to be far less focused on the action and more on the nature of the class structure and its inherent inequalities, as a way of making commentary on the nature of the class structure of our world, but with the aesthetic difference of a speculative fiction setting.

Starting off with a bang and action is fine but I didn't find the action particularly exciting, it felt kinda "pulpy," like it was less about the action and more about the brutality of a mech squashing dudes in a somewhat callous fashion. It also didn't really seem to peer into his psychology much, it just described what was literally happening - he pulled sticks, missiles flew, he tried to shoot them down, he got blowed up. It kinda reads like from a video game, where you're the faceless protagonist shooting dudes and blowing up stuff. Which is ok in video games but I didn't find it particularly compelling in story form.

Little Mac posted:

I am not particularly pleased with my first chapter, but it was rushed. Admittedly, the conceit of my story doesn't really begin until chapter two. Mostly it's introducing a character's motivation and the main mystery.

this is fair, it felt a lot like a "just establishing stuff" chapter, which obviously all Chapter 1s are going to to some extent, but what you have right now feels pretty barebones detective novel. I know that's somewhat intentional but I didn't find it particularly compelling, though I can tell there's a lot of potential there as long as you break from the genre a bit.

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


Now giving myself the same hard eye critique that I gave everyone else (fair is fair):

- I wish you had done more with those opening paragraphs. The "=*=*=" is clearly where you got into the groove of writing but the opening lines feel too segregated and distant from the rest of the narrative. A transition between it and the actual story might have been nice.

- Nobody likes doing exposition, and I liked a little how interweaving the story of her day blended with her evening at home, but it still feels really "exposition-y." Stuff happened, then stuff happened, then stuff happened. It all felt kinda lifeless, which might have been part of your "point," but it doesn't really work to hook a reader in.

- There has to be a better way to transition from "drunk and depressed" to "on her last limb." It currently feels a little jarring, like you had to cut out some paragraphs between it and the final lines (ed: I didn't, I just couldn't write any more). It's about her inner emotional despair, give that more depth.

- You have a lot of good ideas and images, but actually stringing them into a compelling story is the hard part. I felt her isolation and loneliness but as it's presented she's just a sad sack rather than someone with whom I can sympathize.

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

BottleKnight posted:

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I'll allow it.

Diqnol is auto-voted out, but will still be on the endgame jury. Continue with critiques and comments and such and I will set a deadline for chapter 2!

good call imo

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

ecco you having way too many opinions is going to be really useful to everyone in this contest

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


uranus posted:

ecco you having way too many opinions is going to be really useful to everyone in this contest

I am a (thankfully not suicidal) editor irl (or am I???)

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


JJ had questions and comments about my critique and I shall leave them and much of my response to him private, but I did say a thing to him that is relevant for other people so I will include it here too:

Ecco in PMs posted:

I think Fantasy/Medieval-Fiction literature sets a bit of an initial hurdle, too, because it carries with it a lot of baggage for the genre. It's assumed the reader knows there is The King and The Nobility and The Revolutionaries, and it's very easy to rely on those ideas and tropes in lieu of developing those ideas yourself (and thus giving the tired ideas your unique twist). Sci-Fi is the same way, though again in comparison with derp's story, he set the focus on developing the characters rather than reveling in the setting (see: Meinberg's for an example of what that'd be like). I am worried in the back of my mind that derp might take the "magic mirror" (essentially) and use that in lieu of the characters and story conflicts, making the story less about a mother's sacrifice for her child and more about "how cool would this technology be, what if it broke though???" which would root it firmly in the bad parts of the Sci-Fi genre.


(I really really liked your story derp!! I liked it even more than my own, and for someone as arrogant as me that is a high compliment).

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

magical teen bomb squad



Grimey Drawer

I'd forgotten that, what do you edit again Ecco?

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


jon joe posted:

I'd forgotten that, what do you edit again Ecco?

Nothing and/or something idk! My life is a mysterious void, a dark mirror which carries an obscure and sometimes impossible reflection.

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

dont worry about that ecco. my main worry is now that everyone thinks the mirror is cool i'll actually have to make it more of a focus

Look Under The Rock
Oct 20, 2007

you can't take the sky from me


Lol ecco I love how you wrote the longest critique of your own story

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


Look Under The Rock posted:

Lol ecco I love how you wrote the longest critique of your own story

well sometimes the stories with the most potential are the ones that deserve the most criticism! I think ecco has a lot of great ideas but the execution is weak in places and I hope to see improvement for chapter 2.

Look Under The Rock
Oct 20, 2007

you can't take the sky from me


EccoRaven posted:

well sometimes the stories with the most potential are the ones that deserve the most criticism! I think ecco has a lot of great ideas but the execution is weak in places and I hope to see improvement for chapter 2.

Yawn

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


BottleKnight posted:

It's all in good fun, so don't make things personal

You're doing a screenplay, meaning a lot of your story is going to be missing to the reader, especially since you expect a lot of it to be improvised by the actors (you don't even have set instruments, for instance, so it's even harder to write the characters doing anything other than talking and playing songs). And since it takes place during one concert you're even more hand-strung by the setting, since you can't jump to new locations or introduce new characters.

Since all you can really present is dialogue, you need the dialogue to be engaging and interesting. Your characters so far have almost no personality or life to them - Smitty doesn't like people singing about sleeping with his sister. That's pretty much the only thing twelve hours later I can remember about your characters so far.

And a lot of it feels like filler, too. You establish it's their last concert, that their fans have missed them, and there's some underlying drama between them that isn't resolved (but maybe will be by the end of the play??), but none of it is particularly engaging so far. If this were straight prose instead of a screenplay it'd have been over in two paragraphs and the reader would be going "...is that it?"

You have a lot of constraints because of how you've set your story, and that's fine, but you need to make what you can do that much more interesting as a result, and you haven't even come close to it yet. Which is fine! It's still "Chapter 1." But as a reader I found what you had so far to be a snoozefest.

Regardless even if Diqnol weren't auto-voted out today I wouldn't even be close to voting you out, so you have lots of time to expand on it. So please don't take my comments personally!

Thanks happy sunday!

EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


Also as an aside it is unfortunate that derp posted/I read his first and it was really, really good. It definitely colored how I viewed the rest of the stories (including my own). His introductory chapter had the perfect mix of character and setting, and in a few lines I instantly knew what was going on and with whom, but I also genuinely felt for Lin and felt the tension in her heart.

If derp can keep up that level of quality I will happily let him take the title of Iron Author since I really don't think my story is very good, certainly not in comparison.

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

ICE-MEIN


Ugh, things have been crazy busy here. I'm glad I don't have to vote anyone out, because I probably won't have a chance to read anything until much later this evening, when I finally get home.

If you want to read any more of my stuff in the meanwhile, check out my blog! It's mostly about analog games design, and I'm currently on a pretty nifty topic talking about designing RPGs with a mechanics first approach that might be of interest to some folks.

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

well poo poo ecco your gunna give me a fat head. thanks for the encouragement

votefinder
Jul 6, 2010



Votecount for Day 2



Not Voting (10): Chic Trombone, EccoRaven, Hal Incandenza, jon joe, Little Mac, Look Under The Rock, Meinberg, Quidnose, Tremendous Taste, uranus

With 10 alive, it's 6 votes to lynch. The current deadline is November 30th, 2015 at 10:30 p.m. EST -- that's in about 1 week.

George Kansas
Sep 1, 2008

ad astra per proletarii


Alright guys! Post your chapter 2's by next Monday. Really like what I'm reading so far! In fact, here's my rubric:

actually participating in the game with effort +5
being ecco -5
trying to grade the mod, another -5
forgiving ecco anyways +10

You all score a perfect 5/5 in my heart!!

George Kansas
Sep 1, 2008

ad astra per proletarii


Monday!!!

Chic Trombone
Jul 25, 2010



It's thanksgiving weekend tho

George Kansas
Sep 1, 2008

ad astra per proletarii


Chic Trombone posted:

It's thanksgiving weekend tho

So have it ready by Mondayyyyy

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

hey so whats everyone reading? i just finished hyperion and am now reading (listening to) the new york trilogy by paul auster, who i'd never heard of until now, but sometimes i just buy books randomly without knowing anything about them or the author on a single recommendation from a friend. its v strange, and i like strange.

tell me what you're reading! ! !

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EccoRaven
Aug 15, 2004

there is only one hell:
the one we live in now


I finished Pride and Prejudice a few days ago and started Jane Eyre a day later. I also got roped into a Moby Dick book club but I'm very behind so I'm probably not going to participate at all.

e: I've read both these books before but not since I was a Wee Child so I was curious to see if they hold up (and they do so it's great).

EccoRaven fucked around with this message at Nov 27, 2015 around 19:36

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