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I do have an actual story to contribute, it was on the news and everything. I was working the guest service desk at Target, and a lady ran up to me crying. I could hardly understand her as she stammered out that some guy jizzed on her. I gave her some hand sanitizer and called security, the guy ended up turning himself in later that day.
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Nov 17, 2015 22:13
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One time at my retail store, a three year old boy came up to the customer service desk looking for his lost mother. We paged for the mother three or four times over the comm system, but nobody ever came to claim the kid. Fast forward three hours later; some older woman calls us asking If we had a lost three year old at our store. Turns out that the caller was the kid's Grandmother. To cut a long story short, the kid was picked up by the sheriff, and likely put into protective custody.
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Nov 17, 2015 22:16
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Oh! I forgot about a really really bad one! But it wasn't necessarily "at work", but work lead to it happening. So this cashier brought her 4 kids into work one day and had them just sitting in the break room for like 2 hours. She worked a 10 hour shift that day so I asked her what the hell was going on. She told me nothing was wrong so I told her to get her kids somewhere else since they were really loud and making messes and fighting with each other since a retail break room with nothing but vending machines and a TV with nothing but instructional videos to watch isn't fun for ages 5-9. Well, she asked if she could have a little longer lunch and I said that was fine. Well, she never came back to work that day. Or the next day. Or the day after. Never called in to us or anything. We got pretty worried and one of her friends finally told me and the other manager that when she went to bring the kids to her sister's place her ex-boyfriend (who she had been trying to avoid the entire day but never loving told me about) caught up to her and beat the ever loving poo poo out of her in front of their children and she was in the hospital with a really badly broken face. I felt absolutely horrible for months afterward, and if she had just told me what was going on I would have brought her kids to my place or something to have my roommate watch them until work was over. Then she could have totally left or whatever knowing that they were safe the rest of the day. Or she could have just told me what was going on and I would have let her leave for the day to do whatever she needed to be done.
Solice Kirsk fucked around with this message at 22:23 on Nov 17, 2015 |
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Nov 17, 2015 22:18
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∆∆∆ Ugh, that's awful. You can't know it would have happened sooner or later regardless, but chances are that doesn't help much.  The pig story was unfunny not because it was horrible--horrible stuff can be funny--it just wasn't told with any wit or humor of any kind, just STDH flame bate. And the posts defending it are maybe half a step up the intellectual ladder from "u mad bro." It's like reading 4chan. Jesus. Content: office where I work installed waterless urinals, which evidently aren't maintained properly. They periodically clog, and fill up with a lake of urine. Yet people keep using them. I've seen a guy walk up, look at the urinal full to the brim, then whip it out and let loose. I could hear the pisslake overflow and trickle onto the floor, forming a growing puddle. The guy left piss footprints as he headed out the door. I went to a stall, and the toilet had a turd the width of a soda can. It was clearly so big it wouldn't flush. Blue Footed Booby fucked around with this message at 22:29 on Nov 17, 2015 |
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Nov 17, 2015 22:26
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Someone with archives should hook up spider with the thread by the goon who got paid to hunt wild boar in farmer's fields with a goddamn spear dressed as a spartan.
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Nov 17, 2015 22:39
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My previous job, the first day at work the CTO loudly berated some poor Turkish guy in front of the whole company, shouting he'd lied about, I dunno, checking some code into source control. Mild compared to many people in here, I'm sure, but I wish I'd taken it as the warning side it was regarding that company's senior management. I  'd out of there into a new job 6 months later when they tried to screw me into accepting a $10k pay cut under threat of not passing my probation for bullshit reasons and being instafired.
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Nov 17, 2015 22:50
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feedmegin posted:My previous job, the first day at work the CTO loudly berated some poor Turkish guy in front of the whole company, shouting he'd lied about, I dunno, checking some code into source control. Did you at least still company information and what not on your way out?
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Nov 17, 2015 22:56
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Blue Footed Booby posted:
and after all that you manage to deliver a story of a man pissing into an overflowing urinal onto his own drat feet with the verve of an ikea installation manual thankfully you put in the edit about seeing a big poop one time
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Nov 17, 2015 23:04
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Found out today that the guy I sit next to at work is a goon
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Nov 17, 2015 23:42
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e2: got one. I once saw this little rear end in a top hat eat another person's snot in the lunch room, off of a sandwich he swiped off the other guy's plate when he was looking away. Big effin loogie too. Daycare ist krieg. Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 00:20 on Nov 18, 2015 |
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Nov 17, 2015 23:58
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wow rude posted:oh, same department, same big boss appointed a new middle manager guy who literally has never worked in or with the department even though the last several managers came in the same way and were absolutely incompetent at their job We must work at the same place because I feel like I know that story. Another bad thing I saw at work was when I was working at a carnival in the summer of 1999. My job was to put on night vision goggles and watch the customers in the tunnel of love to make sure they didn't climb out of the boats. It's actually a huge problem at carnivals that people will climb out of the boat and wade through the water to have sex on the shore. I saw some poo poo while I was working that job but the worst thing I saw was when a 400+lbs woman and her almost as fat boyfriend tried to climb out of the boat and it capsized (a feat in itself, considering the boats aren't floating but sitting on a metal stanchion that links them to the underwater track). The two of them are jammed between the capsized boat and the shore, crying like land whales and oh by the way they're mostly naked. I wade into the water to try and get them unstuck but theyr'e so slick with grease from the carnival food that I can't get a grip and I go under with a face full of flab on top of me. I barely free myself when the next boat comes around the bend and the young couple inside collides with the fatsos. More yelling, more whale cries and I can't go get help because I'm the only person keeping the fat woman's head above water. If I let her go she'd go under and drown before I could get back with help. I try to get the other couple to help but they're stumbling around in the water and the dark because they can't see and then oh goody the next boat comes around the corner and crashes into the first two! Finally the noise coming from inside the tunnel is loud enough that the carnies come to investigate and they got everyone out, but the sight of all those rolls of fat wiggling and squishing around in eerie green light of the night vision goggles is forever burned into my brain
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Nov 18, 2015 00:15
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Applewhite posted:We must work at the same place because I feel like I know that story. ftfy
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Nov 18, 2015 00:29
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Having to clean liquid poo poo off a wall. It's not the worst thing but, pondering the question, it jumps out from memory. I had to clean liquid poo poo off a wall that managed to get five feet up a wall. Or start from five feet up a wall, I am still unsure of the mechanics. And I do mean liquid poo poo, not diarrhoea. This had the consistency of very fatty mincemeat cooked in it's own juices. Absolutely not the smell, though. Or the colour. This was a distressing shade of vibrant brown. And did I mention five feet up a wall? To this day I am unsure of how anyone managed this, even if you had like a stepladder or chair or stool or an accomplice or something. Like Stonehenge or Newgrange, it existed but we aren't quite sure how.
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Nov 18, 2015 00:32
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rejutka posted:Having to clean liquid poo poo off a wall. This reminds me of the time back at Krogers when my friend and I decided to prank one of our jerk coworkers by tricking him into eating six cups of raw, uncooked rice and drinking a half gallon of water. The rice swelled up in his stomach and started pushing all his crap out and he epically poo poo himself in front of everyone. Like, not just a big poo poo but like, the entire contents of both his large and small intestines all over the floor of the warehouse. The most horrific part was when my irate manager made me clean it all up by myself even though I wasn't the only guy who pulled the prank >: (
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Nov 18, 2015 00:37
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It's not something I witnessed with my eyes so much as with my nose. I'm in school right now and on breaks I work overnight in a warehouse. There's a guy there who absolutely REEKS. He's native African so I've been wondering if it's some sort of cultural thing or if he just never bathes or does laundry. Some other people notice it but management doesn't seem to care but his lovely awful BO will loving LINGER in an aisle five minutes after he's gone. I've had times where it's so bad I think I'm gonna pass out.
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Nov 18, 2015 00:44
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Applewhite posted:This reminds me of the time back at Krogers when my friend and I decided to prank one of our jerk coworkers by tricking him into eating six cups of raw, uncooked rice and drinking a half gallon of water. The rice swelled up in his stomach and started pushing all his crap out and he epically poo poo himself in front of everyone. Like, not just a big poo poo but like, the entire contents of both his large and small intestines all over the floor of the warehouse. The most horrific part was when my irate manager made me clean it all up by myself even though I wasn't the only guy who pulled the prank >: ( how does this even work like what kind of idiot would just blindly eat six cups of uncooked rice i dont believe this story at all you bad man you
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Nov 18, 2015 00:46
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Maybe he works with giant pigeons
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Nov 18, 2015 00:54
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Applewhite posted:Back when I worked at Krogers, we were having a "luau special" and ordered a whole pig that we were going to roast in the parking lot and serve to customers at 5.99 a plate with a side of baked beans. lol
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Nov 18, 2015 00:56
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It's a classic
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Nov 18, 2015 01:05
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A ILL BREAKFAST posted:how does this even work like what kind of idiot would just blindly eat six cups of uncooked rice i dont believe this story at all you bad man you Well I actually had written a more detailed version of the story but it got pretty graphic. Basically, there was this guy who used to work at Krogers with me that I didn't like. Let's call him "Mario." Not because he was Italian, but because he always had to one up everyone. If you stocked three shelves that day, he stocked four. If you had to pull a six hour shift, he'd pulled a twelve and so on. It was really obnoxious. So my friend and I decide we've had enough of him and come up with this prank. We set up a table in the warehouse with a bag of uncooked rice and a gallon jug of water and wait for him to come by. When my friend spots him coming, he starts to say, loudly "Wow, Applewhite! I can't believe you just ate four whole cups of uncooked rice!" Sure enough, Mario can't resist the sound of someone else being praised and makes his way over. "Can you believe Applewhite ate four cups of uncooked rice?" my friend asks while I pat my stomach and do my best to look full. "That's not such a big deal," says Mario, "I've eaten eight cups before!" My friend and I make a big show of not believing him and finally egg him into eating the rice. Of course it's too dry and crunchy to eat by itself so he's washing it down with the water. About four cups in he starts complaining that his stomach hurts, but we start cheering him on and tell him to push through the pain. He manages a further two cups before he starts groaning and falls out of his chair, clutching at his stomach. It was pretty impressive, actually. Anyway shortly after that he just started making GBS threads and making GBS threads himself and it just doesn't stop. He tried to crawl to the bathroom but the pain was too much for him and he ended up just taking his pants off and spraying poo poo and undigested rice all over the floor of the warehouse. Eventually the EMTs showed up and carted him away on a gurney and I'm left to clean up a twenty foot smear of poo poo. He was out for six weeks. Apparently his stomach ruptured in the ambulance and he nearly died of septic shock. Needless to say, my friend and I learned an important lesson about the dangers of workplace pranks!
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Nov 18, 2015 01:15
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I work in a book store and there's a guy who comes in who always, always comes in clutching a Cthulhu plush toy to his chest. He looks like he's in his late twenties, early thirties. It's red with black highlights, has a Nazi armband complete with swastika, and is covered in crusty little stains. I don't know whether these are food or cum or what. This has been going on for 3+ years now. The guy barely says a word and just stares at me creepily as I ring him out.
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Nov 18, 2015 01:37
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When I was a deckhand on the boats in Port Fourchon I saw a guy get his hand crushed/amputated by one of the gigantic ropes they tie 100+ foot boats to the docks with. Some Stephen King book, I don't remember which, uses the phrase, "it was like watching a stick of dynamite go off inside a glove full of meat." Yeah, pretty much. The night before the accident the guy was trying to convince me to go off behind the warehouse and drink some mushroom tea with him.
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Nov 18, 2015 02:20
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Not my workplace but someones. Was at the doctors 2 days ago and a guy went to go use the bathroom.. he was in there for a bit and a nurse went to find out if he was okay.. He wasn't he died on the shitter.
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Nov 18, 2015 02:38
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Ellen DeGenerates posted:I work in a book store and there's a guy who comes in who always, always comes in clutching a Cthulhu plush toy to his chest. He looks like he's in his late twenties, early thirties. It's red with black highlights, has a Nazi armband complete with swastika, and is covered in crusty little stains. I don't know whether these are food or cum or what. This has been going on for 3+ years now. The guy barely says a word and just stares at me creepily as I ring him out. They're not cum stains >: (
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Nov 18, 2015 02:44
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Drunk Nerds posted:I kid. Let's hear it for Lady Ambien, she's alllright. So you work from home then OP
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Nov 18, 2015 03:12
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tater_salad posted:So you work from home then OP     
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Nov 18, 2015 03:54
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I used to do tech support for an Internet service provider. We plumbed the depths of Internet horrors, with special attention paid to sharing these horrors with coworkers while they were on the phone with a customer. Goatse was one of the mildest examples.
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Nov 18, 2015 04:06
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trying to brutally slaughter a pig with a hammer is animal cruelty which can carry a felony sentencing so i think 6 hours not posting on a website isnt a bad punishment
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Nov 18, 2015 04:37
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but.... he had orders
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Nov 18, 2015 04:41
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trying to jack off posted:trying to brutally slaughter a pig with a hammer is animal cruelty which can carry a felony sentencing so i think 6 hours not posting on a website isnt a bad punishment Pork Lives Matter
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Nov 18, 2015 04:46
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El Spider posted:is it ironic? im missing the punchline where beating an animal to death was supposed to be funny is was a joke. applewhite is not a animal killing lunatic. don't worry you'll get to know all the kooks here soon enough!!
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Nov 18, 2015 04:48
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trying to jack off posted:trying to brutally slaughter a pig with a hammer is animal cruelty which can carry a felony sentencing so i think 6 hours not posting on a website isnt a bad punishment I'm hoping that he just happened to make a post that was in very poor taste, because I retracted a ban I had queued after people vouched for him. I'm looking into it unless people want to dig through his posts for me and convince me he probably wasn't being ironic
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Nov 18, 2015 04:48
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applewhite is a resident funnyman and unless he's seriousposting in some think thread you can assume everything he says is a lie.
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Nov 18, 2015 04:55
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El Spider posted:I'm hoping that he just happened to make a post that was in very poor taste, because I retracted a ban I had queued after people vouched for him. I'm looking into it unless people want to dig through his posts for me and convince me he probably wasn't being ironic Obviously embellished. A real cop would've shot him.
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Nov 18, 2015 04:55
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I used to do carpet cleaning for a living, and this 40 something guy who lived with his mother had a spot next to his computer that looked like after a jack sesh he would just turn and jizz onto the floor. I just packed up the machine and left after I saw that + the smell. I wonder what subforum he posts in here
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Nov 18, 2015 04:55
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but i want to say el spiderino that i appreciate your thoroughness bc the last thing i want to do is drive away a reasonable seeming mod who is trying to do a good job lmao i hope you last in this hellish position
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Nov 18, 2015 04:57
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El Spider posted:I'm hoping that he just happened to make a post that was in very poor taste, because I retracted a ban I had queued after people vouched for him. I'm looking into it unless people want to dig through his posts for me and convince me he probably wasn't being ironic lol that in addition to not reading gbs you also don't look at the front page i guess? http://www.somethingawful.com/author/152/ http://www.somethingawful.com/photoshop-phriday/clickbait-ads-articles/ http://www.somethingawful.com/comedy-goldmine/drwho-episode-ideas/1/ he's one of the few goons who still contributes a lot of content to this site and banning him for a poo poo joke proves how goddam incompetent you're gonna be in this position edit: just from the first page of googling "applewhite something awful" fyi
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Nov 18, 2015 04:59
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yeah, let me just google this poster
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Nov 18, 2015 05:04
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wow rude posted:lol that in addition to not reading gbs you also don't look at the front page i guess? youre the worst poster on this website
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Nov 18, 2015 05:05
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Nov 18, 2015 05:06
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