What's the worst thing you've ever witnessed in the workplace?

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > What's the worst thing you've ever witnessed in the workplace?

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

gagelion is back posted:

woah you still remember that?

Why'd you probate this guy hes fun

Anyway this gal set fire to herself with a 1 gallon 12 foot kerosene MacGyver FAE fireball. She narrowly avoided crotch replacement surgery.

# ¿ Nov 16, 2015 22:07

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# ¿ May 2, 2024 23:48

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Nah then I'll bow out I don't do fun stuff.

# ¿ Nov 16, 2015 22:10

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

This is gonna turn out like the funny comics thread ain't it.

# ¿ Nov 16, 2015 22:12

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

treasure bear posted:

this got dark

how about posting things that people might want to hear

Nah. Panties with dubious discolorations, size 2T. Pieces potentially of baby.

Don't do forensics. Don't do IT forensics either, but holy poo poo don't do forensics.

# ¿ Nov 16, 2015 22:32

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

e2: got one.

I once saw this little rear end in a top hat eat another person's snot in the lunch room, off of a sandwich he swiped off the other guy's plate when he was looking away. Big effin loogie too. Daycare ist krieg.

Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 00:20 on Nov 18, 2015

# ¿ Nov 17, 2015 23:58

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

trying to jack off posted:

once there was a gbs thread where people earnestly talked about stomping on baby birds and other stuff like that and it would be nice if gbs didnt go back to posts liek that because it drove a lot of good posters away for a long time

Oh man there's this proper loving shantytown over and behind one of our warehouses and there was this one loving tweaker that'd always be magically around for deliveries, I guess hoping to score some precious commodities from out the back of the truck (good luck fucker this concertina gate locks behind us aight?). Anyway this time he'd gotten into his head to start loving with the birds, like he's chasing the pigeons down and occasionally actually manages to catch them and toss them on the walls, feathers flying in dusty poofs (not that he manages to actually hit the walls, birds can fly, remember? No? Well they can. Ya really.) Well suddenly he throws a tantrum (on top of his already ongoing tantrum I swear to God like a proper 4yo) and loads this one big fat black mean old duck looking bastard into a loving slingshot and cries havoc and launches it full tilt into one of the hovels, a real tall one that actually turns out to be a sty. I have no idea how they managed to get a hog five stories up the ladders of this hovel (or why they painted it green) but I guess the duck reminded it that it wasn't loving possible after all, so now it just collapses on itself like an accordion that was never built with any load bearing structures to begin with, and just comes crashing down destroying itself in this deafening rumble, and the pig just drops down in the middle of it and just explodes into a puff of gray smoke. And everyone cheered.

# ¿ Nov 18, 2015 09:12

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

RideTheSpiral posted:

Can't even stomp a bird to death anymore without the gbs politically correct brigade jumping down your throat

Who's on the gbs moral brigade these days anyway, they're the ones with the burning pitchforks and crosses right? Someone page them, they should have some good work related stories to tell.

# ¿ Nov 18, 2015 12:35

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Applewhite posted:

Was the bum's name Rovio?

Dunno man. Pale fat finn looking gently caress, real jumpy with some gross red lambda looking tribal tat on his neck. Probably? How the gently caress should I know?

e: yeah dammit, maybe you're right, Roofie, Rufio... Something like that, yeah! You know him?

Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 12:57 on Nov 18, 2015

# ¿ Nov 18, 2015 12:45

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

That's funny because a flurry of savage suplexes is actually my preferred method of getting to work.

# ¿ Nov 18, 2015 17:37

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Shite, what if someone made their bed with her, that's like, what, morticide?

# ¿ Nov 18, 2015 20:47

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Oh, from talking with the guys I always assumed it was just drunken welding.

# ¿ Nov 19, 2015 00:15

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Booblord Zagats posted:

Applewhite's story reminded me

I used to work in a ghetto movie store. The owner didn't have much money and rental copies of movies were expensive, so he would have us download foreign dubs of movie and then reinstert the English over top. Problem is we had a simple kid there named Doug who always hosed it up, but the owner would never let us throw out a burned copy of anything, so we had a bunch of hosed up movies. We would also have a movie going on at the store at all times, and on Tuesdays and Fridays Doug got to pick the movies. So my Friday nights were often walking around sweeping the floor and checking inventory while Doug's version of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon was playing that had all the dialogue, background music and even canned laughter from an entire season of Seinfeld, or Titanic overlayed with the best of Kramer. I protested to the owner a few times, but around the 4th he came clean.

Turns out Doug had been a normal kid until 3 or 4 years before when the owner had him working late one night putting up shelves for the movies. Everything was going fine as Doug would build them the owner would put the new movies in them. But one of the shelves collapsed and dumped a bunch of VHS copies of Ed O'Niel's movie "Dutch" all over Doug, giving him a traumatic brain injury. But the owner, he didn't have insurance so he just promised to Doug's family he'd keep him employed for the rest of his life for $25/hr so they wouldn't sue and he could afford to live on his own. Kinda hosed up, but there' some nobility to it.

From then on I treated Doug a little nicer than I had, felt bad for him. I would praise his Seinfeld-ized versions of Forrest Gump, Scent of a Woman, even his version of Sam Jackson's Shaft that featured a lot of dialogue from Kramer's lawyer Jackie. I just smiled and told him he did a good job. Then one night, as we were closing up Doug called me over to see his latest opus, Eyes Wide Shut. The whole thing was next level bizarre, even for Doug. All the sex scenes were just voiced by clips of Elain shouting and struggling, but he added the girls from Friends to it as well and what I could only assume were grunts and collisions from the previous week's Monday Night Football game. I don't remember specifics but I remember it having a Newman heavy plot. The whole time I'm watching it Doug is just smiling like the retard he had become that fateful night. I felt repulsion, laughter and sympathy at the same time as the movie continued on, and then as the credits rolled, I heard Doug making noise.

Doug made a hiccuping noise, it started slow, then sped up. The cantor was like a show-horse being made to gracefully and methodically speed up as it is presented to the judges. Finally I saw a tear and Doug let out a high pitched wailing noise. It wasn't sorrowful or .. The Son-of-a-bitch was laughing, he was laughing with tears of jubilation streaming down his face. In the proceeding moments, Doug would explain to me how he only got a concussion, but he hated the job and just wanted to make a lot of money while editing together his own fan-scripts for Seinfeld. The bastard had turned an entire video store in to his personal Deviant Art Fanfiction depository . He had faked being a simpleton and dived down the rabbit hole of erotic fiction. I would never trust a retard again

I love this thread.

# ¿ Nov 21, 2015 01:30

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

No, spido didn't write that.

# ¿ Nov 21, 2015 11:24

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Don't account share either.

# ¿ Nov 21, 2015 11:47

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Y'all know how airliner crappers work right? Yeah, you crap'em fulla crap from disgusting tourist diarrhea butts all day, and then when you land you screw on a crap hose under the plane belly, press go, and blast a tanker truck fulla crap, and the crap tanker drives off and that's that. Turns out you gotta screw on the crap hose proper before you press go, or you unleash hell in the form of an industrial fire suppression system of poo poo over your own head. That guy also walked off into the sunset never to return.

# ¿ Nov 21, 2015 13:59

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

If anyone has a link to the full moon gay bar dance floor back flip riot story then please post it here.

Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 00:16 on Nov 22, 2015

# ¿ Nov 21, 2015 23:51

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Say Nothing posted:

# ¿ Nov 22, 2015 01:22

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Sheit that prank even beats my favourite parting jape of hiding shifty food cans in hard-to-reach places like behind the poo poo in the storage cabinets and on the ceiling tiles so they'll slowly waft out copse smell and rain down death and miasma over the following decades as they slowly ferment and rupture.

# ¿ Nov 22, 2015 10:44

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

interwhat posted:

weimereiner

For some reason I got the idea that this post was about a wereweiner (dog?), and had to google it.

e:

Karate Bastard posted:

If anyone has a link to the full moon gay bar dance floor back flip riot story then please post it here.

I gotta retry this. Does anyone have a link to this story? Does anyone even know what I'm talking about? Did I dream this up? Like, I'm trying to google this but all I can find is me asking around for it. wtf am I losing my poo poo here? It's a seriously great story, and perfect for this thread.

Karate Bastard fucked around with this message at 00:54 on Nov 24, 2015

# ¿ Nov 24, 2015 00:42

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

Faux-rear end Nonsense posted:

hey duder. still rockin the flaps?

Haha what is this? Beside the best greeting phrase in history I mean. What does it even mean? Is it any of my drat business? So many questions.

# ¿ Dec 31, 2015 14:49

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# ¿ May 2, 2024 23:48

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Soiled Meat

strap on revenge posted:

vyst is a former extreme fat and he has leftover skin flaps from his insane weight loss

That dispels a number of cool mysteries. I am conflicted.

Congrats on your upcoming flap reduction vyst!

# ¿ Jan 1, 2016 16:56

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > What's the worst thing you've ever witnessed in the workplace?