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Back when I worked at Krogers, we were having a "luau special" and ordered a whole pig that we were going to roast in the parking lot and serve to customers at 5.99 a plate with a side of baked beans. Unfortunately there was a mix up and the delivery truck drops off a live pig on our loading platform! It was a big motherfucker, too. At least five or six hundred pounds, nose all caked with crusty mud and poo poo on its rear end. Se we're all standing around wondering what to do with this thing. The luau was that afternoon so there was no time to send away for a new pig. So, because I worked behind the meat counter at the time, I somehow got put in charge of this pig. The manager was emphatic that the luau was not to be cancelled, and it was up to me to get a whole pig for roasting and I could either find a new one, or use the pig we already had. Well, just because I worked behind the meat counter doesn't mean I knew anything about slaughtering or butchering whole pigs. All I had was a vague idea that the pig is knocked out with a pneumatic hammer and then its throat is slit with a machete to let the blood drain out. Well we didn't have a pneumatic hammer or a machete, but what we did have was a claw hammer and a 12" marlinspike. So we coaxed the pig off the loading dock into the warehouse (it was pretty docile), where we'd laid out a plastic tarp. We got the pig in the middle of it, then sent out our most junior stockboy with the claw hammer. He would whack it on the head and then I'd stab the pig in the throat with the marlinspike. Everybody else is all gathered around the edge of the tarp to watch. So the stockboy (we'll call him "Junior") walks out onto the tarp with the hammer. The pig doesn't seem to care, it's just doing its own thing, grunting and making GBS threads. Junior raises up the hammer and brings it down on the pig's head with an almighty "THWACK!" Like, he really puts his whole body into it. From the sound, we all would have thought he'd smashed the pig's skull in. Nope. The pig goes apeshit. It starts screaming and charges at Junior, who gets half trampled before managing to crawl away while the pig is coming back around for another pass. The rest of us scatter, but it's still going after Junior, who actually makes it to the door and would have made it out except we closed and locked all the doors so the pig wouldn't escape (I dunno why we locked them, its not like the pig could work the latch). Anyway, it bites Junior in the groin, and Junior starts screaming and the pig is still screaming the whole time, and the rest of us are all climbing up the shelves and getting on top of boxes and poo poo while the pig savages Junior's nutsack. One of the braver guys tries hitting the pig with a broom to get it off of Junior, but that just makes the pig go after him and it chases him into the forklift and traps him there and bites his ankle (we learned that day that pigs don't look like they have sharp teeth, but they can still gently caress you up). Finally it gets bored of him and starts heading back towards Junior, who is moaning on the ground bleeding out through his crotch. We know that the pig is gonna finish him off once it gets over there, so as it's going past, me and the dairy section guy topple over one of the shelves on top of it. These are those big, steel warehouse shelves so they're pretty heavy and also loaded down with stock. The shelf comes down on piggy like a ton of bricks and the pig is trapped underneath. It's screaming and screaming and it's screams sound almost exactly like Junior's with his nuts bit off. So while the other guys are helping Junior and unlocking the doors, I jump down from my perch and start stabbing at the pig with the marlinspike. Even with a ton of shelf and frozen chicken thighs on top of it the drat thing is still ungodly strong and I have to put my whole body into it just to get the marlinspike to break its hide. Even with half a dozen holes in its throat, it still takes the pig a good half an hour to finally die. By the end of the morning, our warehouse looks like the set of a Quentin Tarantino film and I'm soaked head to toe in pig blood. The luau went on as scheduled but a lot of customers got sick from it because we didn't gut the pig properly and some of the poo poo from its intestines got into the meat. Junior lived and got an out of court settlement from Krogers, not nearly as much as he deserved but enough to cover a plastic dick and a new Mustang. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Nov 17, 2015 16:03
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 07:12 |
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Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus why did I have to read this wh
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Nov 17, 2015 16:32
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wow rude posted:oh, same department, same big boss appointed a new middle manager guy who literally has never worked in or with the department even though the last several managers came in the same way and were absolutely incompetent at their job We must work at the same place because I feel like I know that story. Another bad thing I saw at work was when I was working at a carnival in the summer of 1999. My job was to put on night vision goggles and watch the customers in the tunnel of love to make sure they didn't climb out of the boats. It's actually a huge problem at carnivals that people will climb out of the boat and wade through the water to have sex on the shore. I saw some poo poo while I was working that job but the worst thing I saw was when a 400+lbs woman and her almost as fat boyfriend tried to climb out of the boat and it capsized (a feat in itself, considering the boats aren't floating but sitting on a metal stanchion that links them to the underwater track). The two of them are jammed between the capsized boat and the shore, crying like land whales and oh by the way they're mostly naked. I wade into the water to try and get them unstuck but theyr'e so slick with grease from the carnival food that I can't get a grip and I go under with a face full of flab on top of me. I barely free myself when the next boat comes around the bend and the young couple inside collides with the fatsos. More yelling, more whale cries and I can't go get help because I'm the only person keeping the fat woman's head above water. If I let her go she'd go under and drown before I could get back with help. I try to get the other couple to help but they're stumbling around in the water and the dark because they can't see and then oh goody the next boat comes around the corner and crashes into the first two! Finally the noise coming from inside the tunnel is loud enough that the carnies come to investigate and they got everyone out, but the sight of all those rolls of fat wiggling and squishing around in eerie green light of the night vision goggles is forever burned into my brain 
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Nov 18, 2015 00:15
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rejutka posted:Having to clean liquid poo poo off a wall. This reminds me of the time back at Krogers when my friend and I decided to prank one of our jerk coworkers by tricking him into eating six cups of raw, uncooked rice and drinking a half gallon of water. The rice swelled up in his stomach and started pushing all his crap out and he epically poo poo himself in front of everyone. Like, not just a big poo poo but like, the entire contents of both his large and small intestines all over the floor of the warehouse. The most horrific part was when my irate manager made me clean it all up by myself even though I wasn't the only guy who pulled the prank >: (
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Nov 18, 2015 00:37
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A ILL BREAKFAST posted:how does this even work like what kind of idiot would just blindly eat six cups of uncooked rice i dont believe this story at all you bad man you Well I actually had written a more detailed version of the story but it got pretty graphic. Basically, there was this guy who used to work at Krogers with me that I didn't like. Let's call him "Mario." Not because he was Italian, but because he always had to one up everyone. If you stocked three shelves that day, he stocked four. If you had to pull a six hour shift, he'd pulled a twelve and so on. It was really obnoxious. So my friend and I decide we've had enough of him and come up with this prank. We set up a table in the warehouse with a bag of uncooked rice and a gallon jug of water and wait for him to come by. When my friend spots him coming, he starts to say, loudly "Wow, Applewhite! I can't believe you just ate four whole cups of uncooked rice!" Sure enough, Mario can't resist the sound of someone else being praised and makes his way over. "Can you believe Applewhite ate four cups of uncooked rice?" my friend asks while I pat my stomach and do my best to look full. "That's not such a big deal," says Mario, "I've eaten eight cups before!" My friend and I make a big show of not believing him and finally egg him into eating the rice. Of course it's too dry and crunchy to eat by itself so he's washing it down with the water. About four cups in he starts complaining that his stomach hurts, but we start cheering him on and tell him to push through the pain. He manages a further two cups before he starts groaning and falls out of his chair, clutching at his stomach. It was pretty impressive, actually. Anyway shortly after that he just started making GBS threads and making GBS threads himself and it just doesn't stop. He tried to crawl to the bathroom but the pain was too much for him and he ended up just taking his pants off and spraying poo poo and undigested rice all over the floor of the warehouse. Eventually the EMTs showed up and carted him away on a gurney and I'm left to clean up a twenty foot smear of poo poo. He was out for six weeks. Apparently his stomach ruptured in the ambulance and he nearly died of septic shock. Needless to say, my friend and I learned an important lesson about the dangers of workplace pranks!
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Nov 18, 2015 01:15
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The pig story was a continuation of my hilarious misadventures at Krogers for which I am well known. Those stories and many others can be found here http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3705117 Applewhite fucked around with this message at 05:42 on Nov 18, 2015 |
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Nov 18, 2015 05:40
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Karate Bastard posted:Oh man there's this proper loving shantytown over and behind one of our warehouses and there was this one loving tweaker that'd always be magically around for deliveries, I guess hoping to score some precious commodities from out the back of the truck (good luck fucker this concertina gate locks behind us aight?). Anyway this time he'd gotten into his head to start loving with the birds, like he's chasing the pigeons down and occasionally actually manages to catch them and toss them on the walls, feathers flying in dusty poofs (not that he manages to actually hit the walls, birds can fly, remember? No? Well they can. Ya really.) Well suddenly he throws a tantrum (on top of his already ongoing tantrum I swear to God like a proper 4yo) and loads this one big fat black mean old duck looking bastard into a loving slingshot and cries havoc and launches it full tilt into one of the hovels, a real tall one that actually turns out to be a sty. I have no idea how they managed to get a hog five stories up the ladders of this hovel (or why they painted it green) but I guess the duck reminded it that it wasn't loving possible after all, so now it just collapses on itself like an accordion that was never built with any load bearing structures to begin with, and just comes crashing down destroying itself in this deafening rumble, and the pig just drops down in the middle of it and just explodes into a puff of gray smoke. And everyone cheered. Was the bum's name Rovio?
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Nov 18, 2015 12:30
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For a brief time I worked at a factory that made bottom moored mines. You know, the round ones with the spikes on them? I was in quality assurance, so the completed mines were all laid out in rows on the warehouse floor. Resting on the ground, the mines' spikes were just below eye level. Stumble at the wrong time and "splat" you lose an eye at best, or get a spike driven into your brain and possibly explode if the mine's safety malfunctions. Me and the other quality assurance guys walked up and down the rows, checking the mines and then affixing our stamps to them before moving on. We got paid based on how many we inspected in one day, so to increase our efficiency, we started wearing roller skates to move up and down the rows quicker. Well you can guess what happened... Some rear end in a top hat took a poo poo in our break room 
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Nov 18, 2015 14:57
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I used to work as the day manager for a videogame arcade back when video arcades were a thing. There are a lot of stories from that time but the one that stands out to me was the day of the thunderstorm when one of the cabinets got struck by lightning and the kid who was playing it at the time got sucked into the game! As is standard procedure for when this kind of thing happens, I rushed over to the cabinet to play the game and help the kid stuck inside to finish (the only way to free someone stuck inside a game is to beat the game). Unfortunately, the game was Mortal Kombat and even playing my best, I still wasn't able to save him. Scorpion got him with a Fatality about twenty seconds in and I had to watch the kid get eviscerated before my very eyes
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Nov 18, 2015 15:23
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Solice Kirsk posted:
Gilganixon posted:"spike" is the industry term for the contact firing pin It's not actually a firing pin. I didn't want to bore you with the technical details but they are actually called "Hertz horns" and they contain a glass vial filled with sulfuric acid that is crushed when the mine comes into contact with a ship. The acid triggers the explosive.
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Nov 18, 2015 15:25
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wow rude posted:i don't think this is true at all. the difficulty isn't from gbs, but from appointing mods who a. don't read gbs (el spider, mandatory lesbian, et al) or b. people who read gbs but hate it (franco, ralp). and then even when mods aren't appointed from that group (gnarly, social vegan as ik), you had somebody like ralp who hates gbs lording over them and preventing them from doing anything worthwhile with the forum Gnarly is a good mod and I consider him a Forum Friend.
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Nov 18, 2015 16:22
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AbbadonOfHell posted:Story is a lie, Scorpion would have burned him to death after taking his mask off to reveal a skull. Unless it was MKII in which case he did have that one where he slit your throat then cut you in half with his spear. The second one I'm p. sure.
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Nov 18, 2015 18:14
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TK-42-1 posted:I used to work at a gas station and saw some hosed up stuff. It was in a part of Austin with a lot of apartment complexes where a shitload of UT students and a bunch of poors lived. Funniest was when a rich kid came in and bought 4 sixers of Smirnoff Ice or some bullshit like that. We walks out the door and drops all 4 sixers to the ground and holds his hands up saying 'WHAT THE gently caress?' Turns out he left his car running and someone had jumped in and taken off with it. We didn't have cameras on that part so he was hosed. Aneurysms are no joke, they can strike pretty much anyone, anywhere at any time. RIP, lady
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Nov 18, 2015 18:17
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The time I worked at an oatmeal factory and I learned where gluten-free instant oatmeal comes from was pretty bad. It's made from the dry flaky skin of kidnapped feral dogs that the oatmeal factory captures and keeps in a dry room so their skin cracks and flakes off. The dogs stand on a grate so their flaky skin falls off onto a conveyor belt. I was in charge of feeding the dogs that provided the "apple and cinnamon" flakes. They were on a strict diet of applecores so that the apple flavor would seep into their skin. I was also in charge of removing the dog corpses after they inevitably dropped dead from cyanide poisoning after eating too many apple seeds. The apple-saturated dogmeat was ground up to make the dried "apple" chunks in the apple and cinnamon. It's actually where I first got the nickname "Applewhite" and why my AV is a dog. Most gluten free food involves a similar process. Gluten-free pasta is made from pigeons. Needless to say I quit after only a few months.
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Nov 18, 2015 18:58
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When I was working at Bed, Bath & Beyond we had what we thought was a guy running around and knocking things over while wearing a bedsheet, but it turned out to be the ghost of a customer who'd died there years ago
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Nov 18, 2015 20:18
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Solice Kirsk posted:Thats loving terrifying. Like when someone grabbed the sheet was there just no one under it or something? That was exactly what happened.
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Nov 18, 2015 20:50
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I worked at a lumber mill one summer up in Canada. There were no women for fifty miles so the men got pretty horny, and we'd get up to some crazy shenanigans that aren't gay at all because it's just guys hangin' out trying to let off some steam and anyone would act the same in our situation. Anyway, we had one guy who'd done back to back shifts (a "shift" is three months in the wilderness) get so desperate he tried to gently caress a knothole on one of the trees. Unfortunately, that particular knothole happened to be the nest for a colony of Canadian Fire Ants. Within ten seconds his whole groin area was completely covered in a living carpet of biting red ants. They'd chewed his poor ding dong down to a nub before we managed to hose them off. His nickname from then on was "Stumpy Applewhite" because the man in the story.... was me
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Nov 19, 2015 04:45
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Booblord Zagats posted:Applewhite's story reminded me 
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Nov 19, 2015 14:25
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CaptainSarcastic posted:I worked for a mortgage servicing company around 2010-2011, and saw some terrible examples of predatory lending. We tended to get the servicing contracts for a lot of subprime loans made by the big financial companies, it got to the point that I was really surprised to see a mortgage that actually had equity rather than being terribly underwater. I frequently saw mortgages that were for twice the current value of the property post-crash. I used to do market research. One day my team had to run three focus groups back to back on a Friday. The last one ran late, so we were all in a pretty big hurry to get out of there. What we saw when we opened up the next week haunts me to this day: blood and poo poo everywhere! Turns out when we closed up for the day, we accidentally locked in the last focus group! To make matters worse, it was the Friday before a long weekend, so they were stuck in there for three days with nothing to survive on but a bowl of pretzels and a half-pint of water each. The veneer of civilization is paper thin folks. According to the security footage (which I've never been able to bring myself to watch personally), they only lasted to Sunday afternoon before the survivors resorted to cannibalism. I'm eager to hear some of your horror stories though, both from the restaurant and your time in Market Research.
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Nov 22, 2015 06:56
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Constipated posted:I worked at a papa johns for almost two years, our general manager was a raging alcoholic and most of the people there were stoners. I could post a couple of stories about the manager but this one is about a driver.. great name/post combo.
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Nov 22, 2015 16:00
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I used to work at the Red Bull factory. As many of you know, one of the primary active ingredients in Red Bull is Taurine. What most of you probably don't know is that "taurine" is just a fancy word for "bull urine." (A portmanteau of the latin "taur" meaning "bull" and "ine" as in urine.) We had a team of guys whose job was to attach the plastic tube to the bulls' dicks to collect their piss. It was a pretty common mishap that a piss milker would fumble the placement or removal of the plastic tube and end up with a face full of bull piss.
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Nov 25, 2015 16:06
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Shayu posted:McDonalds, I think the food is mostly sanitary, though. I never contracted illness from eating from the trash on occasion. Regardless, I think you should not eat out of the trash.
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Nov 25, 2015 18:17
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Crazyeyes posted:Finding this hard to believe. The bulls are fed gurana and coffee beans exclusively. Basically think of Red Bull as Civet coffee only piss instead of poo poo. The bulls' life expectancy is pretty low. We probably lost one to a heart attack at least once a week.
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Nov 25, 2015 18:21
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Kumo posted:A strand of long brown hair. Was she driving naked?
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Nov 25, 2015 20:09
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Kumo posted:She was a passenger as I recall. Well then it makes perfect sense for her to be naked.
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Nov 25, 2015 20:39
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| # ¿ Apr 28, 2024 07:12 |
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Booblord Zagats posted:When my mom was a kid she used to help her dad slaughter the Thanksgiving and Christmas pigs, your luau story killed with her yesterday lol does she have any amusing stories of her own?
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Nov 27, 2015 16:41
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