Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«141 »
  • Locked thread
Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Chocolate tastes bad,
also fuck you <3

In!

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Barnaby Profane
Feb 23, 2012



In.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice

Frankly, I'm surprised it took you all so long to recognize my genius.


Weather Forecast: Acid Rain


Weather Forecast: Heat Wave


Weather Forecast: Tornado

Hawklad fucked around with this message at Dec 6, 2016 around 03:06

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


In

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


In

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls,
For stony limits cannot hold
H U L K A M A N I A

SUPER SUMMERSLAM
THUNDERDOME 2019


In., and I'll take one of them flashes.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice


Weather Forecast: Extreme Fog:

Weather Forecast: Avalanche

Thranguy posted:

In., and I'll take one of them flashes.

Weather Forecast::Volcanic Eruption
Flash Rule: Your story must have a happy ending.

Fuubi
Jan 18, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

In.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

In

Okua
Oct 30, 2016


In with a flash rule.

Erogenous Beef
Dec 20, 2006

i know the filthy secrets of your heart


Okua posted:

Week 226: Viking Wisdom

Hávamál can be found in full here if you want that.
*Edit: Limit is 1500 words*

Ég er in, þrátt fyrir ensku þýðingunni úr trúr Íslensku. Helvitis fokking útlendingar.

N. Senada
May 17, 2011


In with a flash, please.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice


Weather Forecast: Blizzard


Weather Forecast: Lightning


Okua posted:

In with a flash rule.

Weather Forecast: Tornado
Your story must involve a small dog.


Erogenous Beef posted:

Ég er in, þrátt fyrir ensku þýðingunni úr trúr Íslensku. Helvitis fokking útlendingar.

Weather Forecast: Hail

N. Senada posted:

In with a flash, please.

Weather Forecast: Dust Storm
One of your characters is extremely wealthy

GenJoe
Sep 14, 2010


In

hotsoupdinner
Apr 12, 2007
eat up

In.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice


Weather Forecast: Hurricane


Weather Forecast: Cold Snap

steeltoedsneakers
Jul 26, 2016



In.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice


Weather Forecast: Drought

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Week 225 Crits

Sailor Viy

Whoa man how did you get all this stuff in one story? I want to like this. It's got energy, and it keeps escalating. By the end, you've broadened the scope to cosmic proportions. It kind of feels like the transcript to an abridged version of a netflix original series that I'd watch. There are some things I was ok with. The occult stuff starts out okay but...how do you get rich off of a trapped ghost? From then on, it seemed very much to be flying by the seat of its pants. Francine's friends basically remove her autonomy on a whim, which isn't really satisfying, just inexplicable and kinda evil. And what is happening to her body while they're off on their DMT trip anyway? When Francine and the ghost get back to the body, her lovely friends are still going to be there, apparently ready to do her some kind of harm. It's an odd story, and while I did kinda like the conversation between her and the cosmic DMT monster thing, it, like most other elements of this story, was pretty thin.

Side note: Have you seen the movie Enter the Void? I was curious if this piece was inspired by that film, because certain elements (DMT, ghost incarnating into someone's baby) are fairly similar. Not enough to cry copycat, but I thought there were some interesting similarities.


Thranguy

So, the moral of the story is "don't play games with fate, unless you want your best friend to turn into Anderson Cooper at the same moment you decide you're totes gay for him". Got it. I didn't mind this. I didn't love it. I like the basic idea of Skrael, and kinda enjoyed watching its effects wreak havoc on suburbia. I think dad's arrival and the harrowing came too late. It's one of those conflicts/consequences that's introduced and resolved right at the end of the story. IDK what a harrowing is or how it fixes fate, but I guess it was a good way to lead into that kiss???? I dunno. Solid middle of the road for me, this was just structured in a lopsided way.


Jitzu

There are things I like about this. Structurally, I think it's good. I like the progression of your character in a small span of time. I like the hacker character. There are basically two shortcomings. The first is details in blocking. I'm going to use one of your first sentences as an example:

quote:

Having dropped to the floor, Brianna sighed, used a chunk of jagged wall debris to cut the noose, then threw up her hands and gave herself to desperate laugher, obviating tears.

This is all IMO, and maybe it comes down to taste, but I think this is over-elaborate and full of too many details. She just tried to kill herself. I don't think she'd "throw up her hands". That strikes me as a gesture you do for other people's benefit, or in a situation that isn't so tragic and serious. I was skeptical that she'd be able to cut the noose with dislodged wall material. I think you could delete both of those details, though you would need to mention the noose somewhere in there to maintain clarity. Maybe she gives herself over to obviating tears without taking the noose off. I dunno. But this paragraph of text I'm writing right now represents the number of thoughts I was having not directly related to your story when I read the quoted sentence. So watch out for that stuff. Less is more, most of the time.

My other issue was more one of tone. Brianna hates herself, hates her life. I don't think you hate Brianna, but at times the narrative feels a little contemptuous. Obviously the story ends up in a compassionate place, and it's all well and good, but stuff like this:

quote:

She was enjoying the artifice of cherry and fighting carbonated heartburn flare-ups when her computer dinged.

doesn't really fit directly in the wake of a suicide attempt. At least not as it's worded now. Sure, someone somewhere may have had these exact thoughts--far be it from me to say what someone thinks after they've failed to take their own life--but it coooouuullld be slightly construed as "haha look at the fatty", which I'm sure isn't what you meant. I think another way to include the same detail would be to give a little more insight into Brianna's feelings about the drink. Maybe she's like, lol well at least the diabetes will get me someday, or something similarly gallows humor-ish. I think the self-loathing needs to be very specifically part of the character's internal monologue and not the narrative.

In spite of all I've said, I liked this story. It definitely is one of those plots/subjects that can go horribly, horribly wrong, but in this case, it was mostly sympathetic.


Fleta Mcgurn

This story is almost beat-for-beat the same as Baleful Osmium Sea's story from week 225. Which isn't really a critique, but it made me do a double take. In both cases, my problems with the stories are the same. It all comes down to "will the protagonist be found innocent, or will they escape in an act of obvious magic while screaming 'nuts to you, intolerant villagers!'" In both cases, the protagonist escaped in a grand display of magical gently caress you. The tension, such as it is, mostly comes from withholding information from the reader. The protagonist already knows they're a magic-user, and they know they're going to use magic and diversion to escape, but the reader doesn't (although it's pretty easy to guess).

So, while the writing is pretty good, the actual events in the story are overly familiar and reliant on information you deliberately don't give the reader.


Chairchucker

Hi chucker!!!! This was a fun story. I think the only thing that didn't work for me was when the lead Bad Guy shot his accomplices and no one lost their appetite. It was a weirdly dark moment in an otherwise lighthearted piece. Maybe you wanted that incongruity, idk. But a slightly funnier option would be to have the lead Bad Guy chase his minions off, and then THEY are the ones who bring the police back.


Hawklad

This was bleak and moody and tense. It definitely grew on me with subsequent readings. My critiques are mainly nitpicks; for example:

quote:

"Her name is Sirena," she says, and gives her own name as well but Lucien does not remember it.

So, I guess her name just slides out of his head immediately after she said it? It would make more sense to not mention it at all, and later he can realize she only told him the "baby's" name, not hers.

I think there is a more graceful way to introduce the idea that this woman is someone Lucien knows. Maybe, when she first gets on board, he feels an unaccountable fondness for her, or something. As it is, the fact that he thinks he knows her is kind of awkwardly plopped into the middle of the story. His realization that they slept together could be done a little smoother as well.

That said, the final scene is terrifying and heartbreaking, and I think the story earns it.


Baleful Osmium Sea

You wrote an extended metaphor for a relatively banal series of events (the blossoming and withering of a relationship), but you did it with fresh language. Plus, it was the right length. If I'd had to read, say, 1800 words of this, I'd be writing a different sort of crit, but this was pretty and concise. It's a weird piece to crit because its strength is also its weakness. If the reader doesn't care for the language or imagery, they're probably not going to care for the story. Luckily, it worked for the judges.

I think the moment that clinched it for me was:

quote:

As we sat on the balcony, watching the rippling sunset, a leviathan burst upward from the dreaming sea. For a moment it was beautiful, gigantic and awe-inspiring. But it just floated there in the middle of the harbour, watching us with a slimy eye, covered in stinking seaweed and razor-shelled molluscs . We pledged to ignore its stench for as long as possible. I survived until the cocktails arrived, then gagged, and made my excuses, and left.

Just a really cool take on the idea of the "elephant in the room," the unspoken but obvious stink of dysfunction. Well done, newbie


Kaishai

So, this has some of my favorite Kai hallmarks. That dark, loamy, forbidden myth feeling. A plot that lopes along at a comfortable pace. I guess my only hangup was...I'm a little fuzzy on the details of this resurrection magic. It seems to be hereditary (Roan's father had the same power), but does reviving the dead necessarily bind Roan to the task of vengeance? If so, why does the girl need to come back in a physical incarnation at all? He is woefully unprepared for a real fight, though we know he's going to win because the dead girl said so, and the dead can't lie. So it's really a matter of finding out how exactly a non-fighter manages to kill someone much more skilled with a blade than Roan. It was fun to watch the scene play out, but there wasn't much tension and nothing especially unexpected happened. Not that there needs to be a twist ending (that would be annoying), but I was hoping for something a little less straightforward.

The strength of this piece is IMO Roan. He's sympathetic and kind and I want to know more about his magic. The final scene where he makes a funeral pyre for Iselde was especially bitter-sweet. In an odd way, I wish I could see them spend more time together.


Tyrannosaurus

This was an interesting character portrait. I had it on my HM list, though it got beat out by BOS's slightly more concise relationship-oriented piece. The narrator should annoy me, what with her constant, artsy cigarette smoking and her cavalier attitude, but by the end of the story I feel a connection to her and, by extension, all the various characters left in the wake of Vincent's death. The protagonist is exactly the kind of girl I would've resented when I was a little younger. I think we've all known "that girl who slept with everyone." Your character strikes me as someone who, from outside of her head, is easy to characterize as shallow and blandly promiscuous. Take for example the other guys she slept with, who only remembered her as that girl they all hooked up with. And in some ways, I think that's kinda how she sees herself, at least up until the revelation that she really did love a guy who was supposed to just be a hookup.

Wow, that's not really a crit. This is one of those pieces where I think my critical eye is clouded by my personal feelings about the story, which is actually a good sign, tbh.


Fuubi

I really am not fond of the first sentence. I generally hate stories that begin like "LITTLE DID WE KNOW THAT...". But I am a bit interested in seeing these bourgeoisie slave-owning fucks get screwed over, so you have my interest there. The voice is very "dear reader," which I tend to find pleasant and personable, though I know some readers don't like it. The scene where the actual ragged man shows up is not my favorite. Roger seems cartoonishly evil. The narrator is really just a human camera, watching things happen. You go from a really broad scope with lots of exposition to a tight scene with a bunch of named and unnamed characters crammed together and it doesn't segue well. I did a bit of a double take when the narrative describes the man as having been literally ripped apart. It's so matter of fact, no real emotion to the scene. I can't get a read on what the narrator is thinking or feeling in that moment, though apparently he joined in the carnage with everyone else.

There are two things I don't like about the ending. One is how much you cram into your few remaining words. There wasn't room for the epic siege you described. The second was the revelation that the narrator is relating this story to some magistrate, presumably because he wants to seek penance as an undeserving survivor. There are things I wanted to like about this, but it ends up being a big pile of blah because there's too much exposition and too little space for the really interesting happenings in the story.

Watch your editing!

quote:

...I, too, was teken by one of these winged creatures

I'm guessing your character was not turned into a fighting game by these winged creatures.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Thunderdome Recap!

Who can say where the spear flies?
Why a serf dies? Only time.
And who can say what a girl needs?
Why a beard bleeds? Only time.
*

Travel into the past with Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and I on a voyage of discovery. Witness a man get his parts cut off before he's thrown in an abbey--well, all right, hear about it secondhand. Relish the squeals of imprisoned rats. Lots of imprisoned rats. Maybe you'd rather see a man get a spear through his nethers? Week 225: Pick A Century has it all! Once we've toured the highs and lows of history, Twist will perform a solo special reading of sebmojo's "Where late the sweet birds sang." No Imperial spetums are otherwise involved in this episode.

"Know that there ain’t much in the way of hope down here — everyone soon comes to terms with that.”


* Thank you, Enya.


Episodes past:

pre:
Episode								Recappers

Week 156:  LET'S GET hosed UP ON LOVE				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser
Week 157:  BOW BEFORE THE BUZZSAW OF PROGRESS			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 158:  LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Djeser
Week 159:  SINNERS ORGY						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 160:  Spin the wheel!					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 161:  Negative Exponents					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 36:  Polishing Turds -- A retrospective special!		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino
Week 162:  The best of the worst and the worst of the best	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino
Week 163:  YOUR STUPID poo poo BELONGS IN A MUSEUM			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 164:  I Shouldn't Have Eaten That Souvlaki			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 165:  Back to School					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 166:  Comings and Goings					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 167:  Black Sunshine					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 168:  She Stole My Wallet and My Heart			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 169:  Thunderdome o' Bedlam				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 170:  Cities & Kaiju					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 171:  The Honorable THUNDERDOME CLXXI			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 172:  Thunderdome Startup					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 173:  Pilgrim's Progress					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 174:  Ladles and Jellyspoons				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 175:  Speels of Magic					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 176:  Florida Man and/or Woman				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 125:  Thunderdome is Coming to Town -- Our sparkly past! 	SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood
Week 177:  Sparkly Mermen 2: Electric Merman Boogaloo		SH, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, Grizzled Patriarch, and Bad Seafood
Week 178:  I'm not mad, just disappointed			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 179:  Strange Logs						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 180:  Maybe I'm a Maze					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 181:  We like bloodsports and we don't care who knows!	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 182:  Domegrassi						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood
Week 183:  Sorry Dad, I Was Late To The Riots			Sitting Here, Djeser, Kaishai, and crabrock
Week 184:  The 2015teen Great White Elephant Prompt Exchange	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 98:  Music of the Night -- Songs of another decade		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 185:  Music of the Night, Vol. II				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 186:  Giving away prizes for doing f'd-up things		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 187:  Lost In Translation					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 188:  Insomniac Olympics					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 189:  knight time						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 190:  Three-Course Tale					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 191:  We Talk Good						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 192:  Really Entertaining Minific				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 30:  We're 30 / Time to get dirty -- A magical time	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 193:  the worst week					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 40:  Poor Richard's Thundervision -- Let the ESC begin!	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 144:  Doming Lasha Tumbai -- Classic performances		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 194:  Only Mr. God Knows Why				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 195:  Inverse World					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 196:  Molten Copper vs. Thunderdome			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 197: Stories of Powerful Ambition & Poor Impulse Control	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 198:  Buddy Stuff						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 199:  EVERYBODY KNOWS poo poo'S hosed			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 1:  Man Agonizes over Potatoes -- A dirty, painful birth   Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and sebmojo
Week 200:  Taters Gonna tate Fuckers				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and sebmojo
Week 201:  Old Russian Joke					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 202:  THUNDER-O-S!						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 203:  MYSTERY SOLVING TEENS				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 204:  Hate Week						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 205:  the book of forgotten names				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 206:  WHIZZ! Bang! POW! Thunderdome!			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 207:  Bottle Your Rage					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 208:  Upper-Class Tweet of the Year			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 209:  WHAT DO YOU GET A DOME THAT HAS EVERYTHING??		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 210:  Crit Ketchup Week					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 211:  Next-Best Friend Week				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 212:  Vice Week						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 213:  Punked Out						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 214:  THUNDERDOME ALL-STAR TRIBUTE				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Kaishai, and The Saddest Rhino
Week 215:  El sueño de la razón produce el Thunderdome		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 216:  Historical Redemption (or:  Sin, Lizzie)		Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, and Kaishai
Week 217:  SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIORS, ATTACK!			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 218:  Duel Nature						Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 219:  cos wer goffik					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 152:  Rhymes with Red, White, and Blue -- Voidmart opens!	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 220:  Enter the Voidmart					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 221:  The Escape of the Bad Words.				Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 123:  Ceci N'est Pas une Nouvelle -- Surreal history	Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood
Week 222:  Deliver Us From Bad Prompting			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, Djeser, Kaishai, and Bad Seafood
Week 223:  Dear Thunderdome					Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai
Week 224:  I Wanna Dome You Like An Animal			Sitting Here, Ironic Twist, and Kaishai


Special Features!

The Top Ten poo poo Scenes of Thunderdome				Sitting Here, Kaishai, Ironic Twist, and Djeser

Julias
Jun 24, 2012



In

Beige
Sep 13, 2004


In

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


In

widespread
Aug 5, 2013

I believe I am now no longer in the presence of nice people.


You know what, in. Two weeks off feels like enough time for a break.

I guess Flash Rule me, too.

Jagermonster
May 7, 2005

Hey - NIZE HAT!


In

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice


Weather Forecast: Thundersnow



Weather Forecast: Heavy rain



Weather Forecast: n/m judging this week


widespread posted:

You know what, in. Two weeks off feels like enough time for a break.

I guess Flash Rule me, too.

Weather Forecast: Freezing Rain
Your story is set in the future.



Weather Forecast: Firestorm

Hawklad fucked around with this message at Dec 8, 2016 around 16:20

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice

Also, appreciate the crits, Sitting Here!

...and is this the appropriate time to start groveling for judges?

Hawklad fucked around with this message at Dec 7, 2016 around 17:51

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

In.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice


Weather Forecast: Rainbows

Farchanter
Jun 15, 2008


In!

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice


Weather Forecast: Aurora Borealis

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003


Hawklad posted:

Also, appreciate the crits, Sitting Here!

...and is this the appropriate time to start groveling for judges?

I'll judge. Some stuff has come up that has made entering not very convenient but judging would be good.

Maigius
Jun 29, 2013

THUNDERDOME LOSER


I'm in with a flash rule!

llamaguccii
Sep 2, 2016

THUNDERDOME LOSER


In because my last final is on Saturday!

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

by FactsAreUseless


In. Flash.

My finals are next week and I have a paper that's due Saturday so I guess this is hard mode.

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice

Maigius posted:

I'm in with a flash rule!

Weather Forecast: Sleet
Your story must involve some kind of a sport or sporting event.


llamaguccii posted:

In because my last final is on Saturday!

Weather Forecast: Overcast skies


Flesnolk posted:

In. Flash.

My finals are next week and I have a paper that's due Saturday so I guess this is hard mode.
Weather Forecast: Flooding
A gun is fired.

newtestleper posted:

I'll judge. Some stuff has come up that has made entering not very convenient but judging would be good.

Awesome thanks! Anyone else up for it?

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice

Signups closed. Write like the wind!

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Grimey Drawer

You're going to get a lot of farts

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice

crabrock posted:

You're going to get a lot of farts

That was already assured.

How about that third judge, huh?

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Farchanter
Jun 15, 2008


To Capture the Clouds
Wordcount: 1305. Theme: Aurora borealis.

Ever since his fourteenth birthday a month ago, Stéfan had felt a worry gripping him. It weighed on him like a lead weight tied around his neck, creating an awful pressure at the very base of his skull. Mamma had asked him last week what was bothering him, and at the time he’d been unable to come up with an answer. But he’d continued to think about it, and he’d come to the realization that the problem, the source of the anxiety, was a fear that every door before him was slamming shut. And soon, much too soon for him to stop it, they would all be shut, and he would be forced to live the rest of his life in and as a disappointment.


Stéfan had wanted, since he could conceive the notion, to be an explorer. A scientist. He wanted to make some sort of discovery that would change the world, even in a small way. As a child, he’d told everyone that he was the descendent of Leifur Eiríksson. It was, of course, a lie. But, when he was little, he’d figured it was a small one, and it let everyone know what he was about. He wanted to be a modern-day Viking, an explorer for the nineteenth century.


The problem started a few days before his birthday, when his friend Þór’s father, a hobbyist scientist himself, had brought a hot air balloon from France. As a kind of early birthday present, he let Stéfan ride in it. The sight of so much of the land and sea beyond Akureyri had been incredible. When he landed, he ran home to tell his father about it.


“That’s amazing,” his father had said, genuinely impressed with the sight of the balloon from the fields outside of their home, “it makes me wonder: do you think we’ve discovered everything? I can’t imagine there’s much left.”


The thought had consumed Stéfan ever since. What if there was nothing left? What if he’d been born too late to fulfill his only dream? Realizing that Þór’s father may be able to help, he went to their farm in the dwindling light of the Icelandic autumn. But, to his disappointment, he wasn’t there. Þór explained that he had gone to Reykjavík on business, and wouldn’t be back for another few days. Seeing the disappointment on Stéfan’s face, Þór asked what was wrong, and so he had told him the whole story.


Where Stéfan liked to dream, and dream big, Þór was great with his hands and knew how to plan to the last detail. They made for excellent friends. Stéfan stayed for hours talking, and then through dinner. He laughed for what felt like the first time in weeks. By the time Þór showed him out the front door, night had long since fallen, a hallmark of the four hour autumn days. Despite the new moon, the path to Akureyri was well lit. Looking up, Stéfan saw the strange, glowing mists of the aurora. The precious times of year when the aurora visited were among his favorites. It lit and danced like fire, but the air was never warmer. And the colors… no one could ever make those colors. It was a perpetual, captivating mystery over their heads, seemingly tauntingly close. No one really understood what it was.


No one really understood what it was.


“Þór,” Stéfan asked, slowly, feeling a warmth in his chest he’d almost forgotten, “what do you think the aurora is?”


“I think it’s a bridge!” the other boy replied, laughing, “clouds, maybe?”


“Did your Pabbi say that he had taken his balloon above the clouds one time, when they were low?” With this, Þór’s eyes lit up, understanding.


They quickly put together a plan. By this point, Þór had taken the balloon up many times with his father, and was confident he could fly it, even at night. At this time of year, at the time of day they would be flying, the winds would have almost completely died down. They knew that the aurora was at least slightly higher than the normal clouds, but Þór said that was no matter. They could get the balloon high enough.The few clouds had been low the last few days, obscuring the mountains to the south. The same forces, Stéfan reasoned, could force the aurora low enough for what they wanted to do.


When Þór’s father had gone above the clouds, he used an empty bottle that was with him to capture some cloud. It had turned into a small amount of water, and the sealed bottle sat in Þór’s kitchen, a trophy of sorts. Þór had found a handful of similar bottles, and stowed them in the balloon. They would launch the balloon and get high enough to touch the aurora… touch the aurora! and capture some in their bottles to bring back for someone to study.


The whole next day, Stéfan couldn’t stop smiling.


At last, the time had come. Þór was surprised to find Stéfan already sitting in the basket of the balloon when he came outside.


“Have you been here long?”


“Not really, I just got here. A little anxious, you know.” In fact, it had been half an hour. He had rushed through his chores, secretly leaving some vegetables unpicked for tomorrow. He’d barely slept, thinking only about the journey they were about to undertake.


Just as soon as they finished preparing the balloon, quietly so as to not disturb Þór’s mother, the aurora began to fill the sky, as if invited. In no time, the balloon had started to lift. They went higher, and higher— it wasn’t until he spotted the tops of the foothills that Stéfan realized how much above his earlier birthday flight they were going. Under the glowing light, he could see the low clouds clinging to the tops of the lowest mountains. They were now above even those. He looked up, seeing the aurora cling determinedly to the sky, growing no closer.


“I think we still have a little more to give it,” Þór shouted. The burner roared. By the landmarks below them, Stéfan could tell they were climbing. But still the aurora came no closer. He continued to look at the dancing light, praying, not daring to look down, as though that might ruin their chance. After a while, Þór spoke as softly as he could while still being heard.


“Stéfan, I’m so sorry. That’s all we have. I guess they’re not clouds after all.”


Stéfan sank to the floor of the basket, defeated. This was supposed to work, he thought. He covered his face with his gloved hands so as not to be seen crying. The burner grew quieter as Þór began to bring the balloon down.


“Stéfan,” Þór said, “look. I think you should see this.”


Stéfan stood, and begrudgingly walked to the edge of the basket. He looked down, and he saw what Þór was trying to show him. He had been so focused on the aurora that he hadn’t really thought about what was beneath them. Akureyri sat, a small light. The rocks of Iceland stretched to the south, seemingly infinitely into the dark. To the north, the fjord flowed and widened, the ocean visible beyond.


And, for the first time since his birthday, Stéfan was at peace. With so much to see, even just from their little balloon, he knew that there was so much more to be discovered and understood. His story was just beginning, and no one would write it before he got there. He watched for a long time, as the balloon slowly descended, before speaking.


“So,” Stéfan said, “I think we’re closer to the aurora than anyone else has ever been. That’s pretty remarkable, right?”


“Yeah, I think it is.”

  • Locked thread
«141 »