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flerp
Feb 25, 2014

CAPITALIST PIG
CRAVES ONLY THE BEST POETS
HIS WRATH WILL BE HARSH


r.e.m more like r.e.dm (which is what im gonna get because im in and would like a song)

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3.141592653
Mar 6, 2016


In

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


In, please flash me.

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


in with a flash

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


In with Half A World Away

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


Sitting Here posted:

in, flash me

Shaking Through

Thranguy posted:

in with a flash song

Saturn Return

flerp posted:

r.e.m more like r.e.dm (which is what im gonna get because im in and would like a song)

World Leader Pretend

Jonked posted:

In, please flash me.

Life and How to Live It

anime was right posted:

in with a flash

The Wrong Child

super mario batali
Aug 1, 2013

Dice-a the Mushroom


Grimey Drawer

In, flash please.

Wangsbig
May 27, 2007



in, gimme da flash

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


super mario batali posted:

In, flash please.

Good Advices

Wangsbig posted:

in, gimme da flash

Crush With Eyeliner

3.141592653
Mar 6, 2016


Oh, I'm an idiot. Please excuse me, flash, please.

3.141592653 fucked around with this message at 15:47 on Apr 5, 2016

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


3.141592653 posted:

Excuse me, flash, please.

Hyena

3.141592653
Mar 6, 2016


Thank you kindly.

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

Modern worldly poster

In with a .

Hit me with a flash song.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006


In. Hit me with a song.

Grizzled Patriarch
Mar 27, 2014

These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.




In with "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?"

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


docbeard posted:

In with a .

Hit me with a flash song.

E-Bow the Letter

Tyrannosaurus posted:

In. Hit me with a song.

Country Feedback

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Jocoserious posted:

Cosmic Catch-Up
467 Words


Dialogue Crit: Google Doc

Jocoserious
Jun 9, 2014

LOOK OVER HERE!!


Thanks for the crit!

Next time will be better.

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


In with Texarkana.

Ironic Twist fucked around with this message at 23:25 on Apr 5, 2016

hotsoupdinner
Apr 12, 2007
eat up

In. Flash me a song.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


hotsoupdinner posted:

In. Flash me a song.

New Test Leper

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


If you're not in yet, I'll give you an extra 150 words if you pick "Hope." (I can't find it freely streamable online, so I'm not going to flash anyone with it.)

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


E: nm

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

by Nyc_Tattoo


Ironic Twist posted:

I know someone who might have dibs on that one

I'm a judge :P

Kharmakazy
Jul 3, 2007

by Reene


Grimey Drawer

sparksbloom posted:

If you're not in yet, I'll give you an extra 150 words if you pick "Hope." (I can't find it freely streamable online, so I'm not going to flash anyone with it.)

I'll totally take it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUbXyeNoDPE

Also, second worst is the new best.

Carl Killer Miller
Apr 28, 2007

This is the way that it all falls.
This is how I feel,
This is what I need:


In, flash rule plz

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


Carl Killer Miller posted:

In, flash rule plz

King of Birds

Bompacho
Nov 28, 2005


In with a flash please.

DurianGray
Dec 23, 2010

King of Fruits


In (for my first time). Flash song, please.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


Bompacho posted:

In with a flash please.

Diminished

DurianGray posted:

In (for my first time). Flash song, please.

Disturbance at the Heron House

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Friend to Crows
Lover of Fungi
Queen of Blood


Hello goons! Are you ready to take your writing to the next level and get prose ripped and word swole? Consider joining Long Walk!. 4K words and a toxx are the ante. Good for those of us who are weak of character and feeble of discipline. Join today!

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Sitting Here posted:

STORY FOR MY BRAWL AGAINST TWIST

Monsters in the Mouths of Babes
1499 words

Ironic Twist posted:

PRANK BRWAL

Style Points
1275 words

SH:

Your opening is worldbuildy as all hell. "I decided it would be" don't like this non-reason. So I challenged you to write a story with an active character, and so far all this dude has done is sit around, pick at his sock, watch other people do stuff, and then decide to go stack rocks. WHY DO YOU WRITE ALL THESE PEOPLE JUST OBSERVING OTHERS LIVE THEIR LIFE WHILE THEY DO PRACTICALLY NOTHING. It can be fun, sometimes, to observe things through the eyes of an impartial observer, but not ALL THE TIME. Also i said your char should have their poo poo put together, but here is a kid from a divorced home, new school, and no friends, no apparent hobbies, and no real drive to speak of yet. I feel like you're knocking over your own pile of rocks.

second part is just his fantasies of being useful/liked, but hasn't actually done anything.

third section is more about the 2 girls than him. also the mother's absence seems contrived. I feel like you're setting up to say he really is a monster or something? Like there's a reason the mom/anybody else isn't seeing him?

"That’s all her and Mom were, just sounds." I like this line.

Ok all done. So here are my thoughts: I like the narrative arc (for the most part) of the prank, the lonliness/feeling like a monster, then his redemption and feeling human again. The problem is that you didn't sell the part where he was a monster. I never really understood WHY he felt like a monster. He didn't do anything wrong or bad. He just kinda moped and broke things. I feel reworking that part would make this a lot stronger. Like if he'd done something to make him think he was a monster. something the girls knew/saw and were reacting to. Something in the beginning of the story that made this char do more than just watch the two friends.

The last scene with the step dad in the hot tub. This wasn't pulled off very well imo, because it just feels like standard boilerplate pedo creep stuff. I wish you'd done something to make it feel like your own, or at least fit it with the theme somehow.

Twist:

Well you definitely win the opening sentence. "like the steak knife that had pierced June’s neck." you're forcing it.

I like this. The ending is a tiny little bit anti-cliamtic, and could be tweaked, but overall it was an engaging read and I understood everything! It had just enough style/flavor to make it feel real, but not so much that I got lost in it. Also, I see what you did there.

Overall:

You guys both met the larger prompt. Twist did a better job of meeting his challenge, and also told a better story. SH your char was still a bit of a do-nothing whiney pants for the first 2/3rds of the story. I'm glad he came around in the end, but it was a little too late.

Winner: Ironic Twist

Ceighk
May 27, 2013


t h u n d e r d o m e
We can talk about it
Or we could get gully, I'll size up your body
And put some white chalk around it


in with a flash and a

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


Ceighk posted:

in with a flash and a

Alligator_Aviator_Autopilot_Antimatter

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010


WEEK 191 CRITS #1: Chairchucker, Titus82, Jocoserious, Mercedes, Sittinghere, Spectres of Autism, anime was right, kurona_bright

Oven of Life

Knowing this is Chairchucker and not some random newbie is infuriating: this is like something you would’ve written in the first year of TD. You’ve improved so much, but this is some prime-quality backsliding. It’s pointless LOLRANDOM wackiness that does nothing and goes nowhere. In a refrain I’m going to find myself repeating all throughout these crits: writing a vignette does not free you from telling a story. The difference is, you’re taking a snapshot of a story and that snapshot has to do the same amount of heavy lifting. So many of stories this week were bad punchlines dragged out to 500 words. 3/10.

Addiction 101

I had no strong feelings about this either way. It is the beige wallpaper of stories. You just took your flash rule and wrote a story about two people discussing the flash rule. There’s no emotional hooks whatsoever. It is I guess competently written, but it’s totally empty. 5/10.

Cosmic Catch-Up

I am going to ctrl+V this every time because nobody reads everybody else’s crits, but goddam this was the very worst example of it in a week that was stuffed with this kind of story: writing a vignette does not free you from telling a story. The difference is, you’re taking a snapshot of a story and that snapshot has to do the same amount of heavy lifting. This is a bad punchline dragged out to 500 words. “What if Cthulhu was also a suburban dad?” Okay, and then what? It does absolutely nothing with its concepts. I could find and replace maybe 15 words and it would just be two dads making dad jokes. 3/10

Harbinger

The first thing this week that I actually liked, though it’s still pretty middling. I think the issue is that it’s a story that’s been told a LOT (my driveby crit was “GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM”) and despite being well-written, it doesn’t really add anything new and it’s not well-written enough to justify not adding anything new. 6/10

Just Like That Day in Reno

This worked pretty well. It’s cute, and competently-executed. It stops there though: the whole thing is the leadup to the ‘daaaaw :3’ moment at the end and that’s not really up there in the pantheon of emotions that actually move you, you know? It's cotton candy. It's happy hardcore. It’s the sorta piece that could maybe HM in a worse week, but at the end of the day I’d totally forgotten about it by the time I’d finished the next story. 7/10.

Tremulous

The first in the crop of stories that furiously mugs the camera as if to say “HUH? HUH? WHAT ABOUT THAT SETUP? WOWEE, WOWZERS, THIS STORY HUH?”
There is no story ever that was improved by the author interjecting and going “lol this is dumb”. Even with tongue firmly in cheek, this sort of thing benefits from a real core of sincerity. Otherwise it’s worse than a waste of time: it’s a waste of time that knows it’s a waste of time, and keeps on plowing ahead anyway. “It’s okay officers, I murdered that dude, but I knew that I was murdering him the whole time so that makes things fine.”

Underneath the grating smugness, there’s a core of a decent scene in there. I can dig a funny scene about a nihilistic captain who is loving determined to go down with his ship, but it needs to stop trying to convince me that it’s funny and just let the funny happen on its own. It’s a good setup, but the story treats it like a worthless throwaway. Try rewriting it with a little more honest humanity and it’ll be funny as hell. 5/10

In-Putt

Really solid, but seems to think that the reader is kinda dumb and needs to be beaten over the head with the moral of the story. It’s far from the most Saturday Morning Special piece this week (hi Kurona_bright!) but you’re a good enough writer that you should just let your writing speak for itself instead of shoving it down our throats. That said, I genuinely enjoyed this story, and it’s one of the ones that stuck with me afterwards. Nice work, just ease off the gas a little next time. 8/10

Night

Hi Kurona! Part of me feels that my burning hatred of this piece is that I’m an LGBT man and this reads like a terrible episode of Sesame Street, and that in turn felt like it was trivialising a lot of very real and difficult poo poo from my own life. But then, in judgechat, Crabrock said basically the exact same thing without any prompting from me, and that was the final nail in the coffin; it’s a GI Joe, Fat Albert, BK Kids’ Club incredibly patronising look at an issue that has been simplified to death already.

The whole thing is such a simplistic take on an incredibly complex set of issues, and it doesn’t read true to life at all. Trying to write about LGBT experiences is cool and important, but it’s also hard, and requires a lot more love and attention than you’ve given it here.

More than that though, it doesn’t actually say anything. “Preudice bad.” “K, then what?” “Prejudice bad.” Much like Addiction 101, it seems content to show a bad thing happening, then kinda shrug and walk away. It’s somehow both incredibly hamfisted but also really limp and unfulfilling. 2/10

SteveHarveyOswald
Aug 31, 2015

by Lowtax


In with Daysleeper.

Jopoho
Feb 17, 2012


In with Orange Crush.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Kharmakazy posted:

Clothes Make The Man
Word count: Some

Count your words.

Dialogue Crit: Google Docs

Kharmakazy
Jul 3, 2007

by Reene


Grimey Drawer

crabrock posted:

Count your words.

Dialogue Crit: Google Docs

It was def less than 500, and I wasn't sure if I should count the opening description..or if notepad++ was to be trusted with such things.


Also, I have no idea what those colors are supposed to indicate.

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Maugrim
Feb 16, 2011

I eat your face



Kharmakazy posted:

It was def less than 500, and I wasn't sure if I should count the opening description..or if notepad++ was to be trusted with such things.


Also, I have no idea what those colors are supposed to indicate.

1) Of course the opening description counts.

2) You can trust pretty much any automatic word count, Notepad++ is fine. Nobody's going to penalise you for being 3 words over the limit in a different counter.

3) I don't know either, but my assumption would be:
Green - good dialogue
Yellow - middling dialogue
Orange/Red - bad/terribad/cliché dialogue
Black - non-dialogue so he's not paying attention to it

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