Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«141 »
  • Locked thread
Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019



flerp posted:

Surreal crits

Thank you!

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

In
with a flash rule please.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Chocolate tastes bad,
also fuck you <3

I'm sorry, Miss Thunderdome. I am for real. In.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Grimey Drawer

Boston, city of champions. Take that, Seattle/Wellington goons

widespread
Aug 5, 2013

I believe I am now no longer in the presence of nice people.


To: Thunderdome@somethingawful.com
From: widespread@somethingawful.com
Subject: Week 223 admission form.

I'M IN. FLASH RULE ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

llamaguccii
Sep 2, 2016

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Thanks for the crit Flerp.

In

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

sparksbloom posted:

Week 223: Dear Thunderdome

This week, I want you to write an epistolary story. I donít just mean ďwrite a story in the form of a letter,Ē though thatís one way you could tackle the prompt. I want a story where a narrator is relating a story to someone else.

Maybe your story is in the form of an email from a person to their boss, explaining the wacky new adventure theyíre on thatíll prevent them from returning to work. Maybe itís a eulogy: someone telling a story addressed to a person theyíve lost, trying to say things they didnít say when they were alive. (One of my favorite short stories Iíve read recently is Nino Cipriís ĒThe Shape of My NameĒ, which takes this approach.)

Thunderdome struggles with frame stories, and I understand why: itís hard to develop both the frame and the central story when thereís such a tight word limit. Iíd recommend thinking of your central story first, then thinking about why, and to whom, a character might be telling that story. Why does the narrator believe itís important to tell this story to this person? A winning or HMing story will probably leave me thinking about how the addressee might respond or react.

Iím happy to hand out flash rules.

Word limit: 1,500 words

Sign-up deadline: Friday, November 11, 11:59 PM EST
Submission deadline: Sunday, November 13, 11:59 PM EST

im judge

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007


In, and sure, I'll take a flash rule

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Surreal Crits:

Read and critted in judgemode for the lulz. At least, thatís how I started. By the last third or so I already knew who wrote what as I started my crits before judgement and finished them after.

I love talking shop, and I'm happy to re-read and give a more detailed repsonse to anyone who wants it. I'm on IRC all the time.

Is It Taboo? Ė (I remember seeing this get submitted early and I think it was from a newbie)

Your punctuation is crazy-go-nuts. You use a lot of semi-colons but then thereís comma splices all over the drat place. I counted at least 4 or 5. Itís really distracting. I was somehow on board with your story though, pretty much all the way throughÖ until the end but weíll get there. Despite being on board, I couldnít really figure out much of what was going on. You submitted this early, that much I know and I think if you walked away from this for a day or two and came back to it, you would have found a way to make this tighter and clearer. I think the saving grace was the music prompt. It fit. Where you really lost me though was on this being a drug trip. That bummed my poo poo. I wish you hadnít ended it that way. It kinda just excuses all of the images you worked to develop and it doesnít manage to accomplish much. You spent the bulk of the story trying to paint a picture. Trust that your audience is on board for that experience. We donít necessarily need to know why. The bumper killed this for me, I wouldnít say it tamped all the way down to DM territory on its own, but that, and the lack of clarity/punctuation issues means I wouldnít defend it from such a judgement.

Transfer Request

The formatting of this story is a mess and it makes it hard to read. Preview edit your post and make sure the thing looks halfway decent. You spent time writing your story, honor that time by spending 2 minutes making sure it looks good. This wasnít really a story, and Iím having a hard time telling what is going on. Itís hard for me to give much feedback here because I just donít know what you were going for at all. I get that this is a letter being written asking for a transfer, but Iím not understanding what heís saying, it feels like some random string of complaints and not much else. This didnít work.

Butterfly Sails

The writing in this was clear and effective. You did a good job of painting your pictures. The story itself? Kinda seemed of little consequence. We begin with you explaining that the carnage has been too much for your protag, but then he jumps outÖ and he canít say whyÖ except you just said whyÖ so whatís happening here? Iím not sure what your character is trying to do in this story. It worked with the music and was a pleasant enough read but the ending didnít feel too solid or in tune with the rest of the piece. This was kind of middle of the road for me.

How Birds Are Born

As with an earlier crit, preview edit your posts please, you needed spaces between some of these lines. This is a huge eyesore. I kinda get whatís going on and youíre setting up for some decent images but overall, Iím not quite following whatís going on here. I get that this is some kind of bird growery/factory type of deal but apart from that this is kind of a story where things just happen. At the end the kid gets the bird but it seems horrific. She doesnít seem to mind and I donít understand why she doesnít. There is consistent logic, and I think it also works well enough for the music. This was kinda just fine.

Creative Disobedience

I liked this one enough. There are some typos ďitís hard to describedĒ and things like that, but in general this worked. Nathan is a dick, so itís kinda nice when he gets whatís coming to him, but when the first half of the story is told from his point of view, weíre spent having to deal with him and itís a little frustrating. I guess Iím also not really seeing the point of John being a guy who was laid off from his job and so heís giving poo poo away? Didnít really follow why that matter or how it helped you. . Kind of a minor crit really, because overall this worked for me.

Skyís Reprise

My fingers are sore from rifling through my dictionary. Christ, you know some words donít you? Anyway, this was tough to follow but at least it was pretty. Iím still not quite sure what your character is/who they are/what theyíre trying to do, I think I have some guesses. The prose is strong enough that it carried me through the story but by the end I was more confused than satisfied.

Pickle Me This

Lots of typos throughout this ďitísĒ when it should be ďitsĒ misspelled words, ďcomencedĒ etc. Proofread more words please. I like the idea of a guy stuck in a pickle, but thatís about all Iím enjoying out of this piece. The writing isnít clear you lean heavily on ďreallyĒ and ďactuallyĒ when you could just cut them and come across stronger. The sentences also just sound unpleasant. This is a good example: ďOne thing people know about ghouls is, that due to being mostly rotten flesh, and bones, they can't run very fast. Another thing people know is, that their decomposed brain make them very stupid.Ē Read that out loud, itís not happytimes. Not really sure what you were going for or how or why you needed ghouls in this story at all and ďun-ceremoniouslyĒ doesnít need the dash and you didnít even need it in the first place. This story could benefit from a line crit. Iím not going to do that now because I donít have time, and there are better people who could do a better job than me.

Bradycardia

Nice, very nice. I loved your light-handed approach to the prompt. I read this faster than any of the others so far and it kept my interest and it reached a satisfying conclusion for its purposes. The idea is a strong one and Iím glad you handled it well.
I donít have much else to say about this one. I enjoyed it.

Oh, Piolet!

OK, not so much on this one. Little about this worked. The stakes here are so very low and it makes it hard to care. I get that this is kind of a TV show existence of sorts and that the big conflict is settled neatly and in time for the end but itís not good storytelling, itís really more of a parody that youíre doing. I donít much care for that; I want a good story. The language is totally out of crazytown and people never talk like this. ďIím just looking at you alertlyĒ isnít something anyone has ever said. Iím guessing you could justify that by trying to make these folks all seem odd but Iím also unsure of what itís accomplishing.

Forgetting to Drown

The action in this was clear enough and easy to follow for what felt like a bit of a complex string of events. So good on you for that. I donít quite understand that reasoning behind the opening though. I wouldnít have minded as much if you didnít bother to include the burger buddy thing, wouldíve kept it jarring and non-descript. But if youíre going to do give some context, starting with it may help. Otherwise this was functional and clear, didnít hit me super hard or anything but there were some nice words and some nice sentences.

Held Music

I respect the ambition to write a story about what might possibly be the worst and most mundane situation possible. Problem is, thatís kinda just what happens in the story and it only really goes with that and intensifies the negative. I think Iíd rather read a story where the opposite happens. Where, somehow a character finds some kind of way to turn it into a blissful situation. We all already know how much this sucks; you donít need to tell us, much less write a story about it.

Slaughter

Got some genuine giggles out of me. Good dialogue, snappy even, at times. I donít have much to offer in the way of criticism here. I guess things could have been a little clearer. Gun to my head? Iím not sure if I could nail all of the plot points exactly as they happen

All Their Hollow, Empty Prayers

Clearly youíve played Bastion. At least Iíd be surprised if you hadnít, as this went right for the voice of the narrator and nailed it, for the most part. Otherwise, thereís good clear action in this coupled with solid images and a good, striking voice. I liked this one.

Chute

The first half was stronger than the second. Once Teddy is out and on the ground, things just kind of happen. He notices some things, sees some, gets hungry, gets stalked. Meh. I wish he made more choices, I think the story would have been stronger overall if the back-end had more decisions.

Frog Sounds

This didnít pop. I was excited this week to read big stories with some crazy poo poo going on and nothing about this really felt all that surreal. Itís also just kind of a bummer. We just have to see the frog deal with a raft of poo poo. This is kinda mean and Iím not sure what you were trying to accomplish.

Knight Sacrifice

This piece didnít hold my interest and I think the problem is you promised some fun dragon time and then spent most of your story in a journey that I couldnít be arsed to care about as much. The horse talking is a cool touch but if youíre gonna have a talking horse maybe give him some more personality and characterization.

Hellís Other People

Another edition of ďI glazed over during thisĒ. Nothingís happening in this, there isnít really a story. You talk a bit about some things that have happened but you ignore the details of the lake and how it works. If youíre not gonna bother having much happen, at least pick the interesting things to talk about.

Market Fluctuations

Read your first sentence out loud. Whatever good words may follow it donít matter because youíve already put my head in a bad place assuming that the rest of this is going to be clunky. Anyway, I donít understand what the poo poo on the ceiling has to do with any of this That may mean thereís something obvious Iím missing but it just makes me feel dumb, and that makes me grumpy. I think thereís a point youíre trying to make but youíre dancing around it too much. Also, stop saying your MCís name so much.

Finnís

You waste time in your opening paragraph ďthe name of the establishmentĒ, why? Just call it what it is. Your next paragraph starts with a horrible bit of telling, rather than showing, but then you go ahead and show us anyway. So yeah, more wasted time. Thereís other small things in this that just bother me, your sentences arenít sounding good. ďThe room was awash in blue light emanating from a large curving fish tank that filled the wall on one side of the room.Ē Youíre starting and ending a sentence with the same two (bad) words. Anyway, this all kind of second to the fact that the story just doesnít have enough substance to it. Not enough in it happens that I could find myself caring about. Raise the stakes.

Moving On

I think this was supposed to sting more than it did. I wish the story started with the swallowing shards bit, and went from there, everything else felt a little uneven and unclear. I appreciate you trying to do more with less, but you could have spent some more words developing the picture of your piece.

Kinder mit lego Waffen.

I was wondering if anyone would go this route, the child imagination thing. Iím glad you did and overall this OK. But really, all this is, or at least all Iím seeing is kids loving around. Thereís gotta be a reason to care. Your ending basically invalidates the story if Iím reading it correctly. By just asking to run it back, the consequences are diminished and itís sort of confirmed that none of this mattered.

Under the Maelstrom

Starting a story with the phrase ďyou wouldnít understandĒ in a week were stories are naturally going to be a little out there is an invitation for me to hate you. That happens again in the story and all I can really say is ďyeah, I donít understandĒ. Iím getting that thereís some body stuff going on but the clarity here is kind of off and isnít helping. There are pretty words here and there and some of the images are well constructed but overall this is kinda middle of the road for me.

Fuubi
Jan 18, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Hello World,

in.

Boaz-Jachim
Sep 20, 2015

CANERE CORAM LEONE


In, , and flash rule please.

vintagepurple
Jan 31, 2014

by Nyc_Tattoo


In, flash me

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


in

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Thank you for the crits Chili.

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 23, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

In.

thx for comments (and hawklad for bird comments last week)

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

vintagepurple posted:

In, flash me

Your letter is written with a pen made of bone.

Boaz-Jachim posted:

In, , and flash rule please.

I would have written you a shorter letter, but I did not have time'

BeefSupreme posted:

In, and sure, I'll take a flash rule

a master of evil

widespread posted:

To: Thunderdome@somethingawful.com
From: widespread@somethingawful.com
Subject: Week 223 admission form.

I'M IN. FLASH RULE ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

Breaking the rules with a broken ruler

Jay W. Friks posted:

In
with a flash rule please.

Middle manager of all he surveys

Hawklad posted:

In with a flash rule please.

Flying with the turkeys

Thranguy posted:

In and up for a flash rule as well.

Much has changed since last I wrote

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Nov 9, 2016 around 03:20

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


IN:
If you want to give me a flash rule I want it to be a brutal and unforgiving OG Thunderdome one.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


SkaAndScreenplays posted:

IN:
If you want to give me a flash rule I want it to be a brutal and unforgiving OG Thunderdome one.

i drink ten gallons of rice milk and pull the headlights out of my car hood

now they are way gone

(source)

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Goons if you give into despair and can't write this week I will FIND YOU AND RIP YOUR HEART OUT OF YOUR CHEST then give it a big ol' hug because it needs it.

Seriously though, no matter what, keep writing because creation is awesome and the world needs pretty much every drop of awesome it can get.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Goons please write all stories this week as political satire and forward to sittinghere@thunderdome.edu thanks in advance

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


flash rule plz

Okua
Oct 30, 2016


I'm in, and it'll be properly formatted this time! Hit me with a flash rule.

Baleful Osmium Sea
Oct 31, 2016


In. Please may I have a flash rule.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


flerp posted:

flash rule plz

love letter to an animal

Okua posted:

I'm in, and it'll be properly formatted this time! Hit me with a flash rule.

I'm not sure if you got my last letter (you didn't respond) but I just want to clarify this one last thing

Baleful Osmium Sea posted:

In. Please may I have a flash rule.

message in a bottle

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh


Ironic Twist posted:

NEXT THUNDERTOME BOOK okay I'll give you what you want, fuckers



8 pm, November 11th, Friday

moving this to Thursday, November 17th, same time of day

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019



Chili posted:

Surreal Crits:

Thanks!

Maigius
Jun 29, 2013

THUNDERDOME LOSER


In with a flash rule.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Maigius posted:

In with a flash rule.

musical ransom note

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

i will read and do a soundtrack for one story this week, first person to grab it gets it. to have it done by the following prompt's submission close.

e: g.: sitting here poem

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Nov 10, 2016 around 11:55

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 23, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

sebmojo posted:

i will read and do a soundtrack for one story this week, first person to grab it gets it. to have it done by the following prompt's submission close.

e: g.: sitting here poem

dibs

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk


done. write well.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

sebmojo posted:

i will read and do a soundtrack for one story this week, first person to grab it gets it. to have it done by the following prompt's submission close.

e: g.: sitting here poem



Thank you golden-voiced kiwi

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should!

td19


My only experience with that accent is through comedians so I kept waiting for the story to be funny.

Fuubi
Jan 18, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Major brain blockage here!

Flash me plz!

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


sebmojo posted:

i will read and do a soundtrack for one story this week, first person to grab it gets it. to have it done by the following prompt's submission close.

e: g.: sitting here poem

I would start throwing my talents into the fold but all I've got at the moment is writing and my writing is pretty bad.

Three crits this week.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


Fuubi posted:

Major brain blockage here!

Flash me plz!

dear company this is why i'm returning your defective product

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


gently caress it, I'll play

N. Senada
May 17, 2011


In

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

In.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should!

td19


In

  • Locked thread
«141 »