Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Locked thread
crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Muff, grats on dat double tap

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Sitting Here posted:

hahaha lol, like I'm not going to be in this week


who're u

just soem guy

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


please send somebody down to find out what is up with THE THWUMP

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


this is my favorite short primer on punctuation and how to use it

https://www.amazon.com/Eats-Shoots-...024RFMAXNCBST30

edit: apparently i linked to the picture book for children, but i'm leaving it, as it is still appropriate for this audience.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Boston, city of champions. Take that, Seattle/Wellington goons

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Beige posted:

These aren't working for me. I'm getting 404s. I'm eager to power through the whole collection. Who runs the site?

nobody really.

try now, they should work.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


wow you better hope more than 60 people don't sign up or you're going to look like an idiot

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


*submits thunderdome story*

*too nervous to check the thread and discover loss*

*ignores thread for days*

"fine let's get this over with*

*has 2 hours to make prompt*

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


You're going to get a lot of farts

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Mrenda posted:

I really, really dislike this critique.

I'll judge this brawl. Mrenda, hawklad, throw some toxxs in the ring to battle this out.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Hawklad posted:

I'll brawl with Mrenda. Reading 17,167 of your lovely garbage words in about three hours (while at work) and then writing brilliant, detailed, and incisive critiques (as I did) should be all the preparation I need. me.

edit: and no worries Fleta


Mrenda posted:

Cool. I'll do a word war if manufactured literary beef is what drives this place. I've been awake all night so I can't do it today, and I'm spending about eight hours traveling with yet more hours in a waiting toom tomorrow but I can get to it Friday/Saturdayish, presuming I don't "gently caress it" and write, edit and post my response in a sleep deprived fit of confidence.

It just seems a bit delicate for me. "Dishonourable" mentions for bad writing with requests to front up like we have to entertain millions of manbabies so people call for a
based on my one post in a year. Aren't I supposed to work my way up the card? I could never have imagined robust discussion and critique would call for a ladder match between the last TD Winner and single entry DM.


Hawklad vs. Mrenda Brawl

Ok, I haven't read anything by either of you yet, so I can't really custom tailor this to your weaknesses But I do want to smash your heads together, because whatever your interaction was, it resulted in whatever the gently caress that pissing and moaning was that Mrenda posted. When I was in middle school I read the 2nd half of Congo (the first half was too boring), and I really liked the parts with the gorillas smashing the poo poo out of people's heads with big rocks.

Your goal is to write me a story where intrepid explorers go into a jungle and find something unexpected. Don't make it treasure (or gorillas). Make it something awesome. Only it doesn't turn out to be so awesome in the end.

Due: Wednesday, Dec 21 @ 10am est, so I can read them on the plane.
Wordcount: 1500 words.

And don't gently caress around with the due date because I hate people not turning in brawls and will absolutely have you banned.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Sitting Here posted:

id like a burroughs flash rule please

manhattan

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


Hawklad and mrenda, I haven't forgotten you, this trip has just been crazier than expected, but after my 12 hour drive tomorrow morning I will be staying put for 3 days so i can actually read. I read one of your stories and i didn't like it. WHOSE WAS IT?!?!

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


no your all the butts.

-----------

Mrenda vs. Hawklad brawl

Mrenda wins because she wrote a story that was at its core more fundamentally interesting and had deeper character motivations than Hawklad's poopile on a paper plate and then the poop leaks through the plate and gets on your fingers story.

crits below

Hawlad

I did? What story was that?

This whole first paragraph could be cut because it’s all tell, and it’s not written very well.

Isn’t skin always precancerous until you have cancer?

This whole first section is lacking a certain umph. It’s purpose is “look at me, i’m old and dragged into the jungle by my son/husband/whoever because i bought him a movie.” but it’s a little too casual to set the scene well.

“"I can't have you dropping dead right here. Not while we still owe on the lake house." I'm joking, of course.”

This confused me, because i was like “wait, she WANTS him to die?” then i realized that you were just confirming that the joke you just told was in fact, a joke. Tip: if you feel the need to do this, then you didn’t tell a funny joke, and you should probably cut the whole thing. Your “joke” is a cliche that’s been uttered in a million rom-coms in some version or another, and i recognized that it was a “joke.”

We aren't. Italacize “we” for clearer understanding.

“It's a small favor that Frank and I are the only ones that signed up for this excursion. Another strike against it, in retrospect.” this is a present tense story, and you just said it’s good that you’re the only ones on it, but bad in retrospect. This is muddled as gently caress. Is it good or bad? You can’t retrospect a present tense story. You COULD have had her run through a few reasons it was actually bad and have her change her mind, or better yet, show that it’s actually bad through a series of events (the story) and let her words of “it is good” float there like a bad omen. Trust your reader.

“I could sit” could have sat. the opportunity is over.

“The step are steeper now.”typo

“River — with his stupid drugged-out smile “ this isn’t adding anything new. Instead, try adding something new.

You’ve described two things as being done “painfully” now. This is the telling you should avoid, and instead SHOW that it hurts her through her reactions.

“It's not in any of guidebooks” typo

--------------

This story is meh. I feel like it’s mostly an old lady nagging and telling me boring poo poo. The whole “drug guide from vermont tricks old people into getting dead” is a really disjointed story that doesn’t have any real foreshadowing or reason to it. Even the precipitating event just feels like contrived “i gave him a movie so he got obsessed with mayans and then happened to see a poster advertising the very thing he’s obsessed with.” The characters aren’t well fleshed out, they’re more caricatures or parodies (haha, old lady from a cruise boat who calls all latinos and their language “mexican”). The first-person present story relies a lot on the voice of the POV character, and this voice is really weak. It’s too casual, too waffling, and too filled with extraneous things like cussing or interjections to really be compelling. This story is pretty weak. also, loving proofread your work.

--------------------

Mrenda

First para feels over-edited and a bit forced. Too many short, factual sentences. but it captures my attention for now.

Ugh. i know a professor o’malley and so now that person is linked to your character.

Your dialog framing needs work. Who are jen and carol? Are one of them prof. O’malley?

I’m kinda confused as to what is happening in this huge dialog chunk. Before it’s all world building of “the bad stuff broke the water/planet and the people, and prof. O’malley will find the cure!” then it’s people talking about world building “wash the clothes!” and whatnot and i’m not sure exactly who is who. You really can’t do this back and forth thing in dialog without reminding me occasionally who is saying what, and it should be broken up with actions. Also, you shouldn’t do this unless the chars have unique voices and it’s more than just back and forth cause this is boring.

“And used she get her answers as wrong as Carol?” this is a mess.

Ok so i think prof. O’malley is like, the PI, Jen is the senior researcher and carol is an undergrad/new grad student or something? This is all not laid out very well, and not easy to suss out via the exposition.

““When you’re in my position you’ll realise time to think is rare.” Jen said. “And we’ve spent almost two days hunkered down.” this seems weird cause didn’t she just have 2 days to think but now is like “NOT EVEN ONE MORE SECOND OF CONSIDERATION OF THIS DANGEROUS MISSION BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO GO”

Also this conflict is p boring so far. You set up “we need to find the cure to what’s killing the planet!” but instead of doing something cool with that you’ve done “two people bicker over minutiae of conducting field research.”

“ Now it was time to remember him” who? Prof o’malley? The way you handled her relationship with this dude leaves something to be desired.

You’re spending WAY too much time having this Jen chick wax on about her old mentor. Also, this is at the wrong part of the story. You should have put in a few lines showing how much she appreciated the whole dude, then built the story in a way that we could make the connection ourselves about how the dude’s help had led to her success, instead of just blurting all of it out in an on-the-nose paragraph after the deed is done.

“samples of the opposite markers” what’s that mean? Did she find an algae that makes the water clean?

“ if her research came right.” that’s awkward.

“Lo! She hath success!” - you, over and over and over again.

“she’d been denied the memory of that naked afternoon beneath the water. All those rumours of what they did. Few believed they played like children” so her and prof O boned down in the clean water and she’s denied the memory how and by whom?

Now you’ve head jumped and carol is the PoV char. Don’t do that.

Yeah, that’s how i thought this was gonna end because you did a p good job of setting up that the people went crazy and into the water and died. The problem is i still don’t really understand why. Most of this story is either world building or inconsequential backstory about a relationship that barely matters. I can see a line or two about the reason she pushes Carol so hard, but it just goes on and on for way too long, and in the end, i dunno if it’s a hallucination or real. I don’t know if most of the story is hallucination or real, since the PoV char died of fever hallucinations, and the story lacked a grounding voice that helped me make sense of things.

That said, at least your story tried to do something semi-interesting and more than just a “lol white people” tale of dumb. So that is good. The bad part is it is confusing and you have a bit more to go before you’re turning out a tale that is clear and informative in addition to being entertaining.

Mrenda wins, but it’s a dirty win, like throwing sand into your mother’s eyes to look at the go-fish deck.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002


My vote for prose and cons

  • Locked thread